Separated Wife Having An Emotional Affair

[bigmanpayne]

Good points, bigman. But I must say that in my case my W is shows many signs of trying to get past the OM issue, and continue forward with me. We just discussed our plans for a second home as an investment. When I asked if she was assuming that we'd be together to see these plans through, she replied "of course I do" without hesitation. She has passed up further opportunities to be with him in questionable after hours situations, such as when those events were not part of her work group or they would be alone. She goes out of her way to make sure that they do not ride together alone in the same car on the way to any of the lunches, dinners, etc. So she is clearly making an effort to respect our relationship, my feelings, and to keep distance from the OM. The problem is that she finds herself attracted to a guy who she has to spend time with. All of her talk and all of her actions (besides the work related time with the OM) indicate that she does not want to lose me. Doesn't mean that's a guarantee we'll stay together, but the talk and feel has always been good. I understand that this kind of thing usually ends up badly, but in those cases probably much less effort was being made by the so-called offender.

 

Also, she claims that there is no future with the OM, and I agree with her. In fact, I think that even if we weren't together she and the OM wouldn't get together. It's an attraction that would, at best, lead to a very brief fling then she would be left regretting everything because she knows I'd be gone for good.

 

Don't be upset, i come in peace, and i say this all in the interest of helping you: STOP BEING STUPID! i have been through it, so trust me when i tell you that her not doing anything with the OM is not her it is him. i wouldnt be surprised if they have already been "doing" things just on his time and not hers. she's already given up her family for him - a man would know that, and know that he has her hooked, and know that he can exploit that. you are being too nice. i thought i was bad, but you are making me look like a bulldog. you mean to tell me she is willing to separate and divide her family, just for some flirting, some awkward pausing, some casual touching? please.

 

of course the relationship with the OM will go nowhere, the age difference alone presents problems. i am telling you from experience, the OM is in control. if he made it known that he wanted to be with her and only her and wanted her to get a divorce, believe me she would. you do not have as much control as you think you do. i used to be just like you. a little bit of me still is just like you. of course she doesnt want to lose you, you are probably great, she is just being selfish. you love her too much to see it, i've been there. believe me. you lover her so much you are not seeing this situation for what it is. honestly if you put your foot down - i mean really put your foot down, i think she would come back. i think thats where our situations differ.

 

her situation is either much much worse than she is letting on or much much better. either way you win. she's not in limbo man. she isnt torn. i dont mean to make light, but my W is the champion of adultery and even fake adultery. i have seen this before man. you are not in control - she is not in control, the OM is. believe it. i dont even know any of you but i know that. if he wants a quickly in the bathroom, thats what he gets. if he just wants to flirt, thats what he gets. if he wants her to stop talking to you... you guessed it. please believe it. just giving you things to think about - things i wish someone had told me a while ago. do what you want, these are just my thoughts.

[guessjeans]

Zuzu, I just wanted to add my 2cents worth now that I have a few minutes to read over your posting.

 

You seem like a good man, a good father, a good provider, a good person. Why ppl seek out other ppl to fill needs that are not being met by their current husband/lover is beyond me, but understandable. Truly very sad, truly a lack of communication breakdown over the years i believe. I was emotionally starved by my ex. And now that its been 4 yrs since we split, and only now that he is dating another woman have I truly taken the time to sit back and look at our relationship more clearly.

 

I seeked emotional attention through pc chatroms. I was emotionally starved. Because of his insecurites, he would, and still does, put up a wall to keep me from getting close to him, in fear I would one day, some day, hurt him. But in the process, he just pushed me further and further away. Husband always busy watching sports, always seemed angry with me..I thought it was he just didnt love me anymore. I didnt have an affair physical or otherwise, but I can surely understand how easy it can be. Once a person finds what they are seeking, its very hard to look at what they currently have as ever being the answer again. They truly believe that the answer to all their needs is with this new person. Its almost a rescurer of sorts.

 

They are in a fog of misinformed ideas. Lets face, nobody does anything unless their is something in it for them. Even charity work is done to give ppl a personal level of satisfaction, but it is done for a reason, to fill a need currently yearning to be met.

 

In almost all cases I have read, seen and talked about in the last 3 or 4 months since my ex has moved on with someone else, the person that leaves a marriage yearning for someone else to fix their woes, next to never works out. Why? Because once the fog lifts, their needs have been met, its a very lonely place to be, and what they thought they wanted, only filled a very short list of needs that a living human being needs to be met for a lasting loving life.

 

I would let her go to him. I would let her get it out of her system. I am afraid that if she doesnt carry through on what she thinks she wants, she will always compare you to her fantasy of what she perceives her life with this man will really be like.

 

I love my ex very deeply, but he has chosen to stay with someone else that he is not in love with, a companionship type of relationship for the sake of truly Great Love because he fears being hurt again. Great love involves great risk. Nothing in this life is truly worth anything if we dont have a value placed upon it. Let her go. My journey, although i never left my ex for another man, and I am only dating now after 4 yrs of being single, but my journey for whatever reason, brought me back to the only man I have ever really loved all my life. Since I was 16 yrs old and I am 47 yrs old now. BTW..the new woman..she is almost 60! Doesnt feed on his insecurities huh...ok off topic..just venting.

 

But my advice to you is walk away. Give both of you the space you need. It may take months or years, but at least you know that if she comes back, she will stay because she has discovered that whatever was missing from your relationship was always there..it just wasnt communicated properly. It is truly a "If you love it, set it free...." story.

[Zuzu]

Lol. Thanks guys and gals. I appreciate that you're all trying to help. After all, that's why I posted - to see what others could share. But as I mentioned before, there is definitely a tendency to project whatever happened in your situation to mine. Sure, there are similarities, but there are also vast differences. It's impossible to put all the detail in these posts, but one important thing to note here is that my wife has always struggled with the very concept of marriage. Not the fidelity - she's always been very loyal - but because of some pretty heavy stuff from her adolescence, she has always found it difficult to be intimate with anyone. That's one of the voids that I apparently filled for her. She's in therapy to work these issues out, and her therapist is confident that this OM issue is most likely based on her yearning for lost youth, being responsible and independent way too early in life, etc. But neither my W nor I believe that she left me for the OM, or is leaving me for him. I'll let you know if I discover otherwise, but it does seem as if he is a symptom of a greater issue. It's a hell of a symptom, granted, and one that I want to keep my eye on. I just don't want a slip up on her part to come between us.

 

If this turns out to be anything heavier, I promise Ill let you know so that you can all have a laugh on me! I'll also let you know if (and hopefully when) she comes back. Won't be anytime soon, but again, that's the way I'm playing it.

 

Thanks again.

[Cobra_X30]

It's impossible to put all the detail in these posts, but one important thing to note here is that my wife has always struggled with the very concept of marriage. Not the fidelity - she's always been very loyal - but because of some pretty heavy stuff from her adolescence, she has always found it difficult to be intimate with anyone. That's one of the voids that I apparently filled for her. She's in therapy to work these issues out, and her therapist is confident that this OM issue is most likely based on her yearning for lost youth, being responsible and independent way too early in life, etc. But neither my W nor I believe that she left me for the OM, or is leaving me for him. I'll let you know if I discover otherwise, but it does seem as if he is a symptom of a greater issue. It's a hell of a symptom, granted, and one that I want to keep my eye on. I just don't want a slip up on her part to come between us.

 

Zu,

 

I understand. Your situation does have its differences. I do believe you that your wife is not engaged in a PA at the moment.

 

Please, one thing. Keep the OM away from your daughter at all costs! I know you think he is a good man, but you just never know. Believe me!

[Mr. Lucky]

I am concerned about the kids and the impression this makes on them. I'm working on that angle. Probably get our daughter into therapy soon.

Zuzu, if your daughter was in a crosswalk and some driver hit her, would you care that he was having a bad day? Or had lost his job? Or had recently suffered a personal tragedy? Or was going thru a mid-life crisis? Of course not, your concern woud be with the net effect - an injured (or worse) child.

 

What you don't seem to be able to get your head around is that, albeit at a slower pace, your wife is injuring (or worse) your marriage. Her motivation - whether lost youth, low self-esteem or nervous breakdown - is secondary to her actions. And those actions are what you should be responding to. Anything else make YOU part of the problem...

 

Mr. Lucky