Separated Wife Having An Emotional Affair

[bigmanpayne]

Well not begin. I would say flourish? Why are you letting this happen.

 

An affair is an affair.

 

You sound like your giving alot of leeway. Are you expecting she'll hang herself with the slack youve been feeding her?

 

cut him a little slack chrome, but just a little. like i said, i have no room to talk because i cut my W an awful lot of slack these past years, but this does sound way overboard. i am not sure if i could personally handle allowing an affair, emotional or otherwise. like i said previously, why not try a one or two year separation, then you aren't "allowing" anything. that would also give you a chance to test the waters. you seem like a sensible person, and if she is talking to you about this then she (sometimes) is probably sensible too.

 

i absolutely know what you feel and how you feel and i think you love her. i feel the same way, and have before tried to hold on. i saw past the mistakes of my W and could only see the good because i loved her so much, but being married and agreeing to her messing around and then sitting back and waiting is even too much me - and i think i am pretty weak when it comes to my wife. reading some of this stuff actually changes my mind and makes me proud of some of the choices i've made, and makes me feel like a stern husband. i am not getting on you, because i've taken just about more s*** from my spouse than anyone in the world, but i have also lost a lot of myself by doing that. i am just saying. you guys look like you have a chance to at least get a separation and explore things the right way, i would give anything for at least that. - why not try that if you still want to hold on/

[Zuzu]

We ARE separated. I explained that in the original post but that's several pages ago, which could be the reason for some of the opinions here. We still love each other and are trying to work things out. I've let her know what I'm willing and not willing to tolerate, and she has so far respected those things. Her not going forward with the OM is the result of knowing that I'd divorce her if she did have a PA.

Edited February 7, 2008 by Zuzu

[bigmanpayne]

sorry, didnt know you were already separated, there are a lot of posts here, maybe i missed it. anyway, maybe being separated and being apart is best. like 3 months, 6 months, 1 year etc. maybe a separation without rules. that might give you 2 a chance to explore other things and people and see if it is meant to be or not. a separation with rules isn't really a separation, its just a marriage away from each other. believe me it would be hard, but maybe you guys have a love that would survive it - come back stronger even. maybe she wouldn't have anymore urges and thus settle completely down and have no more doubts or questions. i dont know. its just that u said if he sleeps with the OM that means divorce, and so that's not really a separation. keeping her around and getting back together with her still questioning what it would have been like with someone else probably wouldnt be good. just my thoughts. i think my permanent disclaimer will be 'I have no room to talk'.

[Girl Gromit]

Was her connection with this guy the cause of the separation? It sounds like that is why she wanted her space. I am in a similar situation although it would have been impossible for my STBXW to have had a PA - the guy was inside (I know, ridiculous!). I filed for divorce and put the house on the market. I don't regret doing it. If she is the type of person to have inappropriate relationships with other men whilst married to you, even when this guy is out of the picture, she is likely to do it again, with someone else. I don't think it is love when they do that. It is a mixture of lust and infatuation. It doesn't matter what a nice husband or how brilliant your sex life was with her, she wants more. They become insatiable and insane. I am talking from experience here. Even if you start the divorce, right now she won't be phased by it. She is still in the fog and probably can't think of anything beyond her overwhelming desire to be with this guy. You need to let her do her thing. She has gone for now. She will probably come back. I hope that you will tell her where to go.

 

Take care

 

Nomad1

 

I totally agree with you, Nomad. I believe that a certain kind of personality finds it almost impossible not to think "I'm happy, but what if...?", cannot seem to resist temptation, desires and thrives on a connection with anyone who seems interested in them or flatters or flirts with them.

 

My husband I NO DOUBT loved each other at one time. His times delving into other things in secret had nothing to do with me or what kind of wife I was or whether we were suited as marriage mates. He simply cannot help himself. I don't know if it's a basic lack of self-confidence that makes these people NEED the approval, attention, desire of others, or what it is, but it's something that will ALWAYS keep that person from being able to thrive in a monogamous relationship.

 

I unfortunately found one of them. The older and more experienced with life that I get, the more I think there are many, many of these people. I wish they came with a sign on their foreheads, so that people who want to be in it forever with ONE person exclusively could avoid them like the black death.

[bigmanpayne]

I totally agree with you, Nomad. I believe that a certain kind of personality finds it almost impossible not to think "I'm happy, but what if...?", cannot seem to resist temptation, desires and thrives on a connection with anyone who seems interested in them or flatters or flirts with them.

 

My husband I NO DOUBT loved each other at one time. His times delving into other things in secret had nothing to do with me or what kind of wife I was or whether we were suited as marriage mates. He simply cannot help himself. I don't know if it's a basic lack of self-confidence that makes these people NEED the approval, attention, desire of others, or what it is, but it's something that will ALWAYS keep that person from being able to thrive in a monogamous relationship.

 

I unfortunately found one of them. The older and more experienced with life that I get, the more I think there are many, many of these people. I wish they came with a sign on their foreheads, so that people who want to be in it forever with ONE person exclusively could avoid them like the black death.

 

my wife sound like one of these people you speak of. do you think that there is just no hope for people like that?

[Girl Gromit]

I think there's no hope for a relationship that will always, in large ways or small, be violated by interest in others. In my opinion, even just flirting on an internet forum, or calling a woman on the weekend he works with (as "friends") qualifies if what he's typing or saying can't be heard by me.

 

ANY break in the bond between two people in this crazy, tough world where even the best marriages are tested by stress and outside influences qualifies as straying in my mind, and I can't deal with it. I'd rather be alone than laying in bed waiting for him to come upstairs when I last saw him on IM and he shut it down quickly when I came into the room!

 

I just don't want any part of it. Can THEY find hope for a good relationship or life? Is there hope for THEM? I don't know... but there's hope for those of us who get out of that situation, even if it's to be on our own and know what's what in our lives... no doubts or suspicions or horrible jealousy or feelings of rejection.

[Mr. Lucky]

Zuzu:

 

I'm struck by this basic contradiction - the woman I see described through your eyes (loving, intelligent, beautiful, considerate, good and thoughtful) doesn't match the woman whose actions you describe (disloyal, user, selfish, hurtful, uncaring and dangerously short-sighted). Is it possible that your view of her is filtered through the married years together and not based on the reality of separation and the OM? You seem almost to be in denial about the hard facts of what she's doing to you. She's moved out of your marital home and left you to explore being with another man. You can spin that anyway you want, but it seems to me that you are (desperately) holding on to something that's no longer there. Simply put, if she loved you - truly loved you - she wouldn't do this. Hard to accept, but there it is...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gunny376]

The way I see it?

 

Its just like at work? There are minor, major and intolerable offenses! And to the OP ~ this is going from a minor to a major to an intolerable offenses quick, fast and in a hurry like?

 

IMHO? When your in a committed LTR? You not only live your life like an "open-book" but place your repuatation beyond reproach? Your "integrity and honor" are your code? Everything is open to one another for the most part.

 

That's in the perfect world ~ but we don't live in such a world, now do we?

 

I undertstand what you guys are trying to do? But, it simply doesn't work?

 

To be honest? I'm PO with some women's attitude that its suppose to be all about "Me, me, me ~ Look at me! I'm a Princess!"

 

Life is hard ~ and you've got to be tough! Its a "dog eat dog" world out there, and its surivial of the fittest!

 

The fact of the matter is that once your parents are gone? You're pretty much on your own ~ and your ahead of the game if they ever gave a damn about you?

 

A lot of women throw these "coined" terms and expressions around about being "emotionally neglected" and "emotionally abused" ~ and I agree there are more than enough men running around to foot the bill ~ but they're are probally twice if not more women that could fit the same bill ~ that door swings both ways?

 

Who validates men's feeling, wants, needs, dreams ~ not women! Men do themselves do!

 

Who provides the "balm" of healment when a man is emotiionally hurt, rejected? Not women ~ that has to come from within as a man!

 

Why is it? That when a man cheats on his wife? Its his fault? But, when a woman cheats? Its still his fault?

 

Women aren't right? Just because they're women

[LifesontheUp]

That's my point: she's not 'seeing' him. She's trying to do what she feels is the right thing by explaining to me how she feels. By all accounts (hers and others) she's never even been in the same room alone with him. It's bothering her that she has any feelings at all for another man, and she's purging this info to me. Is it a warning sign? Of course. But as I've said before, my wife is attempting to be honest with me, and I can't fault her for that or take the advice to dump her. That would certainly be an overreaction at this point. My concern is how to handle this before it should become a 'seeing' the OM situation.

 

Again, ours is a long-standing, close, relationship. I think people generalize by assuming whatever happened to them or their friends is what's going on in any separation. But there's no animosity, no harsh words between us. We're both trying to resolve this in a way that will not come between us in the future.

 

You already said in your first post that shes been having an EA for over 6 months. Sorry but she is carrying on with this OM or else she wouldn't have any feelings for him. I wouldn't be at all surprised that her seperating from you had to do with the blossoming relationship between her and the OM. She wanted to be away from her marriage constraints to be "free" to test drive an other model. I know it sounds harsh but believe me I would put money on it that that is the TRUTH of the matter and of course your wife will not tell you that because she is SELFISHLY keeping you in the background in case it doesn't work out for her.

 

The point you seem to be missing here is that this is all about HER. She gets what she wants, time to continue her EA (or PA because I wouldn't rule it out) whilst keeping you sweet in case it falls through. SELFISHLY she is keeping you as her fall back plan, her safety net.

 

What about YOU? Is your wife thinking of you at all Zuzu? What respect is your wife showing you her husband?

[LifesontheUp]

During Christmas, there was a dramatic episode between them (a late night road trip) that resulted in my wife fearing for her job, for losing me, and our kid's reaction. She insists that nothing happened, and naive as it sounds I believe her. She's a decent, loving person who would be too racked with guilt to not admit something like that. She got away with it, though. No trouble at work, I'm still here, and the kids still love her even though they now know about the OM. She was sure that this event made her 'hit the wall', but now things are actually progressing with them - they're spending more time together, and he's becoming a bit more forward in his feelings for her. She just can't bring herself to not be around him, or to talk to him either about her feelings for him or about breaking it off for the sake of her marriage. I recently caught her in a lie about their time together, and decided to stop dating her. Although we'd been dating every three weeks or so, I feel that she was having her cake and eating it too, so to speak. So far, she seems to be very affected by this new plan. We'll see how it goes.

 

I would re-read what you put here.

 

They had a dramatic episode together? So were they on their own together?

 

You tell us that she can't bring herself to not be around him - I'll ask you again how does that help you? What respect is she showing YOU and her marriage?

 

You tell us you caught her in a lie about their time together. So tell me how you think that she's NOT playing you? How you can still believe all that she's telling you about their relationship is the truth? She's already lied to you and you found out, what makes you think that she isn't still lying and hiding stuff about their relationship?

[Zuzu]

Mr. Lucky and Life,

 

Those are great points you've made, and the ones that bother me also. Putting all of the details in the original post would have taken 10 pages, so I kept it brief. But here's more detail: The dramatic incident and catching her in a lie both involve her not just responding to an invitation for post-office hours time together - but in her inviting HIM to join them for that time. In other words, these two often spend time at lunch, dinner, drinks, etc. with 'the work group', but it's always been the OM making sure to be part of that group, or inviting my wife to join them. Now my wife has taken to making sure that he's included in the group. She's always been honest about whether or not he was there on any given night, and the lie I mentioned was the first time she insisted that he wasn't there - only to find out that he was, and by her invitation. That was the event that made me cut off any dating between us.

 

What I've explained to her is that we can't get back together unless and until she no longer spends any non-work related time with him, in a group or otherwise. She will have to speak to him, of course, and she's not willing to do that yet. This is a weird EA, in that these two have not expressed their feelings toward one another I know, I know - hard to believe but I do believe it. Again, this is an unusual woman and situation. She's the type who plays things close to the vest, and evidently so is he. We've been together for 21 years, so I can understand how she would be reluctant to make the first move in this situation. And the OM hasn't made a move on her yet. Why not? Either because he's got the same hard to read personality or perhaps he's trying to be respectful of her being married, separated or not. I know this is not how things normally go, but the OM is described as a good person, and as someone who is also described as a good person I wouldn't make a move on the woman in question either. But yes, I do think it could just be a matter of time. The longer our separation continues, the more likely they are to get closer. OR, if my wife decides she can't live without me, she'll have to have the talk with him. I can't force her to stop having feelings for him, but if she wants to stay together with me, obviously I have the right to ask her to stop the other stuff, and she completely agrees.

 

Painful to hear, obviously, that your wife is not ready to end an EA. But this is a separated woman who is having a mid life crisis and wondering whether or not she wants to be married - to me or anyone else. Her therapist has explained (like most probably do) that the OM represents her lost youth and the yearning for her personal freedom. Very dangerous situation, I know. And that's why I'm prepared to lose her. I'm making every effort to get on with my own life, to take the very good advice of taking care of myself, and following the adage, "If you love someone, set them free..."

 

For the record, my wife has always insisted that she does not want to lose me. To that end, she has vowed not to let her EA become physical, and to tell me if she spends any time alone with the OM or if there is any significant activity or discussion between them. If there ever is, I realize even now that she wouldn't be a person who I'd want to be with anyway.

 

I look forward to your response.

[Cobra_X30]

For the record, my wife has always insisted that she does not want to lose me. To that end, she has vowed not to let her EA become physical, and to tell me if she spends any time alone with the OM or if there is any significant activity or discussion between them. If there ever is, I realize even now that she wouldn't be a person who I'd want to be with anyway.

 

 

Zuzu, I very much understand what your trying to do, and I realize that you think that you are being tough on her. Here is the problem with your current approach. Your treating your wife like a rational adult. Instead you need to see her as a drug addict, and your basically enabling her!

 

Zuzu... it's time you did an intervention. Complete NC with OM forever, or divorce. At least then you and your kid's can move on with life, with or without her!

 

You just don't know how this feels to a kid!

[Zuzu]

I hear you Cobra. I am concerned about the kids and the impression this makes on them. I'm working on that angle. Probably get our daughter into therapy soon. As for the no contact or divorce - I'm getting close to that point. I'd love for her to reach that conclusion on her own because she's the type that when you push her, she resists by going further in the other direction. On the other hand, she has given me the trump card by telling me that if or when I can't do this any longer, she'll move back rather than lose me. I'd play that card, but it would only put us in the same position - that she's being forced to do it and will continue to rebel. She needs to figure this out on her own, then we'll have an honest conclusion. If and when I feel she's not figuring out anything on her own, I may resort to asking her to move back. Then again, if she doesn't work things out on her own, I may decide that I don't want her back.

[Cobra_X30]

I hear you Cobra. I am concerned about the kids and the impression this makes on them. I'm working on that angle. Probably get our daughter into therapy soon. As for the no contact or divorce - I'm getting close to that point. I'd love for her to reach that conclusion on her own because she's the type that when you push her, she resists by going further in the other direction. On the other hand, she has given me the trump card by telling me that if or when I can't do this any longer, she'll move back rather than lose me. I'd play that card, but it would only put us in the same position - that she's being forced to do it and will continue to rebel. She needs to figure this out on her own, then we'll have an honest conclusion. If and when I feel she's not figuring out anything on her own, I may resort to asking her to move back. Then again, if she doesn't work things out on her own, I may decide that I don't want her back.

 

Yeah, I understand what your thinking. But I'm really serious about considering her an addict. Her thoughts are not rationale in any way shape or form. You know how addicts will lie cheat and steal to get that next fix. Well that's pretty much where she is at right now! Think about it... she has everything she needs to make an informed choice... so what is she waiting on?

 

I was 16 when this happened to me! My sister was 14. I developed anger issues in a way I can't even explain. I would get angry, and it wouldn't stop until someone was bleeding! Therapy didn't help... mostly because I walked out.

 

My sister internalized it. She got depressed. Therapy didn't help her either, and she attended. She turned to street drugs, and has not stopped.

 

The stakes are high. I think you can prevent this by being the best dad possible, but that may mean leaving all this silly drama behind. My dad could not focus, and he is and was a wonderful father.

[LifesontheUp]

I take my hat off to you in what you are trying to do.

 

My xH had a supposed midlife crisis, he was 40 when he took up with a 23 yr old in the office. When I found out he was adamant that nothing physical had happened, in fact he was so convincing I believed him at that point. He told me she was his soulmate, his crutch, they could talk and talk for hours, blah blah blah. I threw him out when he told me he wouldn't stop seeing her. I then found some emails between them and found that they had become physical. I'm not saying it has become a PA with your wife and OM but if it isn't it sure is heading that way.

 

Now, my xH came begging me to take him back within in 2 weeks as he started to wake up to the fact that the relationship he had was not all it was cracked up to be with the OW.

 

You see what he really wanted, and he told me this sometime later was to have the 2 of us, he wanted to be a cake eater. Your wife is no different in that respect and I hope you see it soon because otherwise you will continue to suffer and like Cobra said, so will your kids.

 

I'm not sure how long you are going to put up with this treatment from your wife. I went back and re-read your posts again and I get the impression that you don't want to push her in case she digs her heels in and the outcome isn't what you would wish for.

 

IMHO, for yours and the kids sake I would knock her off the fence. As Cobra said, complete NC with OM or divorce. Don't let her drag this out, take some control back of the situation for you and the kids.

 

At the moment your wife, who won't admit it, is having the best of both worlds. She's got the OM and you, so what incentive has she got to change? Give her an incentive, tell her you can't go on with this any longer and its either OM or divorce. If she chooses the OM at least that way you and the kids can move on. If she chooses you then you get what you want.

 

Good luck

[LifesontheUp]

But I'm really serious about considering her an addict. Her thoughts are not rationale in any way shape or form. You know how addicts will lie cheat and steal to get that next fix. Well that's pretty much where she is at right now! Think about it... she has everything she needs to make an informed choice... so what is she waiting on?

 

I remember I called my xH insane with the things he was saying and doing during the affair. The AP lives and breathes the affair, all sense of reasoning seems to go out the window.

[Zuzu]

At the moment your wife, who won't admit it, is having the best of both worlds. She's got the OM and you, so what incentive has she got to change? Give her an incentive, tell her you can't go on with this any longer and its either OM or divorce. If she chooses the OM at least that way you and the kids can move on. If she chooses you then you get what you want.

 

She actually has admitted it, and is racked with guilt over it. As a normally conscientious person, she knows she's being selfish and leading both the OM and me on.

 

I'm getting closer to the point of the ultimatum you mentioned. My plan at this point is to see how she handles things through this month. She'll have an emotional time with her birthday and Valentine's Day - both without me. I'm hoping she comes to her senses and makes her own decision to stop things with the OM, and make good on her statement that she knows we'll end up together. It's risky, I know. But I think it's the best way for me to play this for the time being. If she comes to these conclusions on her own she won't feel that she was forced into them. I think my posing an ultimatum is a no win situation right now. But if this progresses any further, I might have no other choice but to tell her to choose which direction she wants to go.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Now here's the question that might get a person shot!:

 

Now knowing that this thing is getting out of hand who is she gonna spend Valentine's day with , You her husband who's holding on, or The OM who she's having the affair with?

 

What happens if they finally consumate everything Zu?

 

Are you willing to do what must be done. Why are you so like passive about what's happening. It's either she'll work on things or she wont!

 

Simple as that.

 

Suffice to say if I was you I would have been gone a long time ago, would not put up with such blatant disrespect.

[Zuzu]

Most people would have been gone by now, Chrome. That's true. But considering that she's trying to be respectful to me and not permanently damaging our future, I think hanging on a bit longer is the way to go.

 

Regarding Valentine's, it has been historically a very big event for me and my wife, so she knows that it would be a blatant slap in my face if she did anything with him on that night. And I'll know if she's with him for the reasons I've already mentioned. On a side note, I make a grand gesture every year on Valentine's Day. While I'm not going to see her on that day I will leave a gift, which is something I made for her, at her apartment. I'm very interested to see how she'll react to this, and am wondering if it will provide incentive for her to make a move toward me and away from the OM.

[guessjeans]

I am still very much in love with my ex husband and we have been split for 4 yrs. He is now involved with another woman, and I have since told him how I feel. The feelings I had for him never stopped, but I did realize that I had fallen in love with him again over a yr ago.

 

If I were you, the more you do, the further away she will become. I wouldnt do anything. If she thinks that you are still there for her, as her back up, then there is no urgency to end this relationship with this OM, or to seriously consider her feelings for you. You are like an old slipper. Comfortable, secure, always there. She has to know that NO, you arent always going to be there!

 

Dont do anything. Let the day pass. Go out on a date if you can..do anything, but dont give her anything, and dont sit at home pinning over her either.

 

I have told me ex how I feel finally. And he admits to me that this relationship he is in, with a woman 10 yrs older than me...she is 58 yrs old, I am 47..he is a youthful 51 yr old...as he puts it "its not like that between us". He says he loves her like you would someone you are in a relationship with, but he is not in love with her and maybe he is right that its simply companionship and physical needs relationship.

 

Either way, he is still with her. And if i continue to tell him how I feel, he will never be forced to think about what I said. He needs to believe that I am truly gone. That he has made his choice, and I have moved on. He knows how I feel, but be dammed if I am going to sit at home waiting for him to park his white horse on my porch!

 

I truly believe that the more we comfort them, let them know that we still care for them, they arent in any hurry to move either way. Why? Because there is no perceived consquences to their actions.

 

Act like you have moved on! Dont make her anything. She is focused on this OM right now, and knows you will always be there for her. Let her wonder what you are up to, and that maybe, just maybe, he actions has caused her to lose you forever.

[Zuzu]

Great advice, guessjeans. I'm all over that, hard as it is. Thanks.

[LifesontheUp]

She actually has admitted it, and is racked with guilt over it. As a normally conscientious person, she knows she's being selfish and leading both the OM and me on.

 

I'm getting closer to the point of the ultimatum you mentioned. My plan at this point is to see how she handles things through this month. She'll have an emotional time with her birthday and Valentine's Day - both without me. I'm hoping she comes to her senses and makes her own decision to stop things with the OM, and make good on her statement that she knows we'll end up together. It's risky, I know. But I think it's the best way for me to play this for the time being. If she comes to these conclusions on her own she won't feel that she was forced into them. I think my posing an ultimatum is a no win situation right now. But if this progresses any further, I might have no other choice but to tell her to choose which direction she wants to go.

 

Ok so she's admitting how much of a cake eater she is but is still keeping you hanging on and you are enabling. Don't mean to be nasty but she knows how to play you and she's doing it extremely well. You see what better than to be humble, take blame so that you don't feel so pi%^ed off with her that you dump her a$$ like a hot cake.

 

I was going to tell you to not give her anything for Valentines but guessjeans has already given you some excellent advice. If you are not willing to give the ultimatum of "him" or "me" and knock her off her post then at least don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that through all she's put you through, you will make her something for Valentines. Let her start to realise that perhaps you won't always be there as a backup.

[Cobra_X30]

Great advice, guessjeans. I'm all over that, hard as it is. Thanks.

 

It is good advice.

 

Your wife may be waiting for you to put your foot down, and show some strength/confidence! Women often want that in a husband.

 

Read Reboots story! He made his marriage work after a similar situation.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t136535

[bigmanpayne]

I am still very much in love with my ex husband and we have been split for 4 yrs. He is now involved with another woman, and I have since told him how I feel. The feelings I had for him never stopped, but I did realize that I had fallen in love with him again over a yr ago.

 

If I were you, the more you do, the further away she will become. I wouldnt do anything. If she thinks that you are still there for her, as her back up, then there is no urgency to end this relationship with this OM, or to seriously consider her feelings for you. You are like an old slipper. Comfortable, secure, always there. She has to know that NO, you arent always going to be there!

 

Dont do anything. Let the day pass. Go out on a date if you can..do anything, but dont give her anything, and dont sit at home pinning over her either.

 

I have told me ex how I feel finally. And he admits to me that this relationship he is in, with a woman 10 yrs older than me...she is 58 yrs old, I am 47..he is a youthful 51 yr old...as he puts it "its not like that between us". He says he loves her like you would someone you are in a relationship with, but he is not in love with her and maybe he is right that its simply companionship and physical needs relationship.

 

Either way, he is still with her. And if i continue to tell him how I feel, he will never be forced to think about what I said. He needs to believe that I am truly gone. That he has made his choice, and I have moved on. He knows how I feel, but be dammed if I am going to sit at home waiting for him to park his white horse on my porch!

 

I truly believe that the more we comfort them, let them know that we still care for them, they arent in any hurry to move either way. Why? Because there is no perceived consquences to their actions.

 

Act like you have moved on! Dont make her anything. She is focused on this OM right now, and knows you will always be there for her. Let her wonder what you are up to, and that maybe, just maybe, he actions has caused her to lose you forever.

 

good stuff, you are right. if you continue to push, she'll just pull away - i am learning that the hard way myself. you are right to act like you have moved on. a rational person would really see that they would be losing something special, but in my case my W would rather take a gamble with the OM than face the guilt and shame. zuzu might have the same thing happen. as a matter of fact it probably will happen. she probably will choose the OM - it has a better than 60% chance of not working out, then she will be remorseful.

 

my problem is the time and the hurt feelings. look how long it took for your ex. i mean i am scared to death of being hurt and having to take that time to get over it. its scary. thats probably zuzu's problem too. i mean, in my case its almost like i want to cut out the middle man (the time it will take for my W to realize what she is doing) and just get to the part where she is sorry, i am sorry, we work at it and everything is fine. its not an excuse to allow yourself to be abused like in zuzu's or my case, i am just trying to explain. in my case acting as if i have moved on will only make my W want to be with the OM more and want that relationship with the OM to work more thus hurting me even more. i deep down think that is what zuzu thinks about his W too. she is looking for him (or me in my case) to give an excuse, any excuse for her to explore things with the OM without guilt. that is why zuzu holds on. its not right, but thats what i see. i think i have a little bit of that in me too.

[Zuzu]

Good points, bigman. But I must say that in my case my W is shows many signs of trying to get past the OM issue, and continue forward with me. We just discussed our plans for a second home as an investment. When I asked if she was assuming that we'd be together to see these plans through, she replied "of course I do" without hesitation. She has passed up further opportunities to be with him in questionable after hours situations, such as when those events were not part of her work group or they would be alone. She goes out of her way to make sure that they do not ride together alone in the same car on the way to any of the lunches, dinners, etc. So she is clearly making an effort to respect our relationship, my feelings, and to keep distance from the OM. The problem is that she finds herself attracted to a guy who she has to spend time with. All of her talk and all of her actions (besides the work related time with the OM) indicate that she does not want to lose me. Doesn't mean that's a guarantee we'll stay together, but the talk and feel has always been good. I understand that this kind of thing usually ends up badly, but in those cases probably much less effort was being made by the so-called offender.

 

Also, she claims that there is no future with the OM, and I agree with her. In fact, I think that even if we weren't together she and the OM wouldn't get together. It's an attraction that would, at best, lead to a very brief fling then she would be left regretting everything because she knows I'd be gone for good.