Separated Wife Having An Emotional Affair

[Blue Eyed Brain]

She gave me so many chances but then the "switch" went off. Emotionally detached from me. Whether that means the love she had for me is gone or is it buried deep?

 

My question is.. she was losing the love she had for me because I was chipping away at it.

 

So how would you suggest I act when I speak/see my ex?

 

 

What would you say as a lady of wisdom think I should do whilst I am S.

Is it a matter of just get on with my life and find somebody else?

Or when women say it is over..it is OVER no matter what you do?

 

That was the only real problem in our R. She just didn't think I could change. We were a great team and perfect otherwise.

 

I am seeing a counsellor. One txt message sent to me about a mth ago she said " you are full of it, you just don't see yourself, you will never change, the counselling didn't work, I knew it wouldn't thats why I would never have got back with you."

 

 

Women, whilst in a relationship, will do and try anything and everything to keep the love, communication, whatever it takes to repair the damage. This could take weeks, months and years. Till one day we wake up and say "WTF, why am I doing this? He doesn't care and why should I. He puts in no effort and I am killing myself." At that point, the women may never see her man or their relationship in the same light again. She will withdraw from the relationship over time and then BANG words like, "I'm not in love with you anymore; you never loved me; we don't belong together; everything you do repulses me" come into your relationship's vocabulary.

 

At this point, the man is stunned and doesn't know what hit him. He now gets to pick up the pieces of a broken relationship that is falling through his hands.

 

Hence, it's easier to fix a small leak in a pipe than to rebuild a damn to keep the water from drowning you.

 

If you are past 35, change is hard. You are who you are and that's the beauty of you. If what you do offends her, than it's not you, it's her. If you want to change for her, than that is a decision that you need to make for yourself.

 

How to act now that you are separated? - Move on with your life and your happiness. Women (most) do not like needy men. I love a confident man, one who wants me around, not needs me to be around. If she is like that, then show her that you can be alone and be great at it. She may see something in you (something new) that sparks her interest. And, brother, that's maybe all that's needed.

 

So, you see, it's two-fold. Take care of YOU. Be the best YOU, YOU CAN BE. When she sees this, it may be all you need to get her back. If not, then you win by being the best YOU and someone will definitely find that attractive.

 

Women are not as complicated as they appear. It's just that we are emotional thinkers and men do not think this way - also, the beauty of the YING and the YANG.

[smileysmile]

Cheers Blue..

 

Wise words and something that is mentioned quite often.

 

I know I can change even at my age. I only have to be more tolerant. I think I was carrying baggage from my previous long term R. We hurried this one along pretty fast to.

 

Yes, I agree the neediness is a turn off. Initially I did beg, plead etc.

 

Why the coldness though? We have a child. She says she is hurt deeply by me. Let her deal with the pain in her own way. Why did she move on physically so quick? She said her self esteem was low and she welcomed the attention. He persisted and she gave in. She had known him for 3 yrs. Left her company 3 mths ago. She said that they were "supporting" each other. She is not ready for another R. So is this what women do when they break up? You read the email from her posted by me which gives you an idea why she left.

I know where I messed up. Do you think I should send her a birthday card in 3 weeks time? Maybe one from our D or should I give her more space?

I am want to show her unconditional love. Kindness, gentleness no matter what. Or does this come over as some scheme to get her back?

 

It has been hard for me over the last few mths when I found out about this OM. Though I am pretty sure it isn't a serious thing going on.

I am not sure whether I should phone this Sunday to ask how she is, how our D is and her father who is in hospital? This would be half way up to the 10 days before I have my D for the day. Would this show I care?

I want to do it but should I remain NC?

 

Why do you think she shows this coldness? Is it her way of showing shes moving on? Masking her pain? Gawd strewth she must be feeling something??? I changed her path for the future for heavens sake. She must be MAD with me. I am the cause of the pain.

 

Why do I get conflicting advice? One says move on, the other says if you say to her you have moved on then that would tell her you have given up!

So many questions

 

Thanks Blue.. Will you be my counsellor? lol

Edited February 7, 2008 by smileysmile

[Blue Eyed Brain]

If you change your behavior (from non-existant to being a complete sweetie) she will rebel from this. Anything you do above and beyond may be looked at trying too hard and being phony. Women want the best in a man but everyday efforts.

 

She's cold because she is confused and maybe a bit angry. This is only temporary.

 

She is probably emotional starved and that's what drew her to the OM. A separation is best right now.... she gets to see OM and you for better or worse. It's not easy dating your W but you need to do this to examine your situation.

Edited February 7, 2008 by Blue Eyed Brain

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Yes, Smileysmile - I will be your counselor if you will be mine!

[Zuzu]

If she loved you as much as she used to then why is she seeing this OM? Sorry but MLC is just an excuse.

 

That's my point: she's not 'seeing' him. She's trying to do what she feels is the right thing by explaining to me how she feels. By all accounts (hers and others) she's never even been in the same room alone with him. It's bothering her that she has any feelings at all for another man, and she's purging this info to me. Is it a warning sign? Of course. But as I've said before, my wife is attempting to be honest with me, and I can't fault her for that or take the advice to dump her. That would certainly be an overreaction at this point. My concern is how to handle this before it should become a 'seeing' the OM situation.

 

Again, ours is a long-standing, close, relationship. I think people generalize by assuming whatever happened to them or their friends is what's going on in any separation. But there's no animosity, no harsh words between us. We're both trying to resolve this in a way that will not come between us in the future.

[Zuzu]

It's not easy dating your W but you need to do this to examine your situation.

 

I know you were responding to someone else, but I wanted to add that my W and I tried dating each other for the first few months of our separation. It was great. Good times, great sex, etc. But her feelings for the OM did not diminish in any way, in fact they increased. That's why I broke off the dating. It's not only unfair to me, but it seems to be the only way she can see how much she misses me, and/or yearns for the OM. Otherwise, I have no regrets about having dated her, it did seem like the right thing to do at the time, and was the advice of both of our counselors. Just time to try something different now - to not allow her to have her cake, and to see how she feels about a possible life without me.

[smileysmile]

If you change your behavior (from non-existant to being a complete sweetie) she will rebel from this. Anything you do above and beyond may be looked at trying too hard and being phony. Women want the best in a man but everyday efforts.

 

She's cold because she is confused and maybe a bit angry. This is only temporary.

 

She is probably emotional starved and that's what drew her to the OM. A separation is best right now.... she gets to see OM and you for better or worse. It's not easy dating your W but you need to do this to examine your situation.

 

 

I hear you. I understand that she is "emotionally starved."

I know she is VERY angry with me. The deeper the hurt the longer to heal.

I understand the OM bit. I guess that is my insecure ego. I am sorry to have these human emotions

I have backed off. But what I have highlighted above, something you said. Could you kindly be more specific? It is her birthday on the 26th. Would it be so bad as not to give her a card? What about one from my D to her? I gave her a xmas card from our D? My mum reckons that is my exes mum's job now. Seeing as I will not see my D for 14 days a week next Friday. So how can I possibly do it? Would my ex feel any different?

 

Finally what do you think I should do regarding this 'half way' to seeing my D phone call? What I mean is that it will be 10 days before I see her next because of my work shifts. So this Sunday would be half way there to NC.

The odd call to see how my D is (because I doubt she will ring me). To show my concern and that I care. I am not sure whether to show my concern or just stay with NC to the day I pick up according to the rota she devised.

This is so hard

 

Thanks for being my counsellor Blue and if I can help you at all please ask

 

Sorry for taking over this thread.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

W and I tried dating each other for the first few months of our separation. It was great. Good times, great sex, etc. But her feelings for the OM did not diminish in any way, in fact they increased. That's why I broke off the dating. It's not only unfair to me, but it seems to be the only way she can see how much she misses me, and/or yearns for the OM. Otherwise, I have no regrets about having dated her, it did seem like the right thing to do at the time, and was the advice of both of our counselors. Just time to try something different now - to not allow her to have her cake, and to see how she feels about a possible life without me.

 

What else can you try? If you want to keep her and dating isn't working - then, what will?

 

Maybe you need to wait for OM and W to see this thru..... if it blows up then you maybe back in ..... if not, they you are nowhere different than you are today.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Would it be so bad as not to give her a card? What about one from my D to her? I gave her a xmas card from our D? My mum reckons that is my exes mum's job now. Seeing as I will not see my D for 14 days a week next Friday. So how can I possibly do it? Would my ex feel any different?

 

Finally what do you think I should do regarding this 'half way' to seeing my D phone call? What I mean is that it will be 10 days before I see her next because of my work shifts. So this Sunday would be half way there to NC.

The odd call to see how my D is (because I doubt she will ring me). To show my concern and that I care. I am not sure whether to show my concern or just stay with NC to the day I pick up according to the rota she devised.

This is so hard

 

Thanks for being my counsellor Blue and if I can help you at all please ask

 

Sorry for taking over this thread.

 

Unless she says - DO NOT ENTER - consider the door open. That is. Send the card (but don't make it a mushy one.... she will see right thru it). Give her a card that you would give someone you are peacocking (showing off your feathers to woo her).

 

Definitely have D give her a card and a gift (reason for coming over). Get a cake (you are still a family). I think calling her to ask about daughter or to talk to daughter and say hello to her is fine, unless she tells you not to....

 

If she says "don't call." Then don't. Give her what she wants and in turn, hopefully it's what you want.

[smileysmile]

Thanks for that

It is ALL unconditional and not 'in your face pressure'

 

If I suddenly backed off now she would think some of the nice things I have done were short lived. As if not catching the OM behind the bedroom door is not a kick in the goolies and when she was mad with me, shouted "**** was a better sh*g than you" isn't enough. What else can she possibly do now to keep me down? I keep bouncing back with my unconditional love with no strings attached. Geezus! I can not stop loving this woman. And she is the mother of my child.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Wow. Telling a guy that he's not as good as someone else in bed is hard to take.

 

But only YOU can hurt YOU. She can't hurt you. YOU can allow her to invade YOU. So, you see, YOU have the power to heal yourself and make YOU better. That's what YOU must concentrate on. It's the only power or control that YOU have.

[Zuzu]

What else can you try? If you want to keep her and dating isn't working - then, what will?

 

Maybe you need to wait for OM and W to see this thru..... if it blows up then you maybe back in ..... if not, they you are nowhere different than you are today.

 

Exactly. My plan at this point is to give her a chance to come to an honest conclusion with both me and the OM. But at some point I may need to ask her to make a choice. For us to continue, she will have to speak to him about not socializing after hours, in a group or otherwise, and to tell him that she is definitely planning on staying with me - which is what she's been telling me all along. We both know that it wouldn't be fair for me to be put in a position where I have to wonder what's going on with them. I also could be asked to join them after hours. That works for me. In fact, it may be good for me to meet the OM and for him to meet me, so that now there's a face attached. My wife insists that the OM and I would like one another, and I would hope that level of respect would influence him to not make any forward movements toward my wife. That is, of course, if he is indeed an honorable man. We'll see.

 

Blue (and others), I believe that I've taken the most practical course of action so far. But at what point do you think I should ask my wife to make a hard choice? I'm hoping that she reaches a conclusion on her own because demanding things right now will not lead to an honest conclusion. But how long do I allow her EA to continue before risking it reaching the point of no return?

 

Thanks to everyone for all the responses!

[smileysmile]

well i told her in a text 2 days later that was below the belt.

 

I guess she is trying to hurt me now. As I have hurt her.

 

I also said that I need twice the therapy and she said "You have no right to harp on how I damaged you last night".

 

She said this when I wanted her spouse train pass back. I have since giving it back now and what she has said or done to me in the last few mths..well what else can she do to hurt me?

She needs it because it helps her money wise. And she went MAD and screamed for me to get out of her house. Slamming the door and reopening it and shouting what I said above.

 

She is a very intelligent lady. And she has told me so many times to grow up. Hmmmm

If he was that great then he would be over there every weekend. But I don't see his car.

[Nomad1]

Zuzu, I feel for you man. Your wife can not possibly respect a man who bends over backwards to please her while she is pleasing herself with another man! WTF! This is insane. Man she's gone! Serve her with divorce papers! At least you will walk away with your pride intact! You don't need that crap. She obviously does not love you enough to give up her fantasy world. Why would you care so much about someone who disrespects and despises you? Even if she hasn't screwed this guy yet, your stance will only intensify her fantacy until she can no longer control herself. There is nothing emotional about EA. It is all about lust. She wants to tend the grass of another man. Let her get on with it and whatever you do don't accept her offer of friendship!

 

I am sorry for the harsh words, but I would rather not be with any woman than be treated like the way you are being treated by your wife. She sounds highly manipulative to get you to agree to what is going on.

 

Sorry about what you are going through man.

 

Nomad1

[Cobra_X30]

Blue (and others), I believe that I've taken the most practical course of action so far. But at what point do you think I should ask my wife to make a hard choice? I'm hoping that she reaches a conclusion on her own because demanding things right now will not lead to an honest conclusion. But how long do I allow her EA to continue before risking it reaching the point of no return?

 

You need to ask her to make that choice right now!

 

I was 16 when my parents went through this.

 

With all respect, I do not think the path you are choosing is the best for your daughter. I think it's taking the lazy way. Giving her all this time to chase this OM... it's not good in any way.

 

Your poor decisions will affect her long term, just as my fathers have. I hope that things go differently for you and your children.

Edited February 7, 2008 by Cobra_X30

[Chrome Barracuda]

What else can you try? If you want to keep her and dating isn't working - then, what will?

 

Maybe you need to wait for OM and W to see this thru..... if it blows up then you maybe back in ..... if not, they you are nowhere different than you are today.

 

 

Wait?????

 

Wait for what?!?!?!?

 

WTF???

 

BEB that is the most stupidest ****e I have ever heard!

 

He has told her if it becomes physical with this or any other OM he will serve divorce papers if she sleeps with this OM why would he want her back? Your saying it's cool to do what she's doing? It's okay to tell your husband about the OM to his face. If your leaving you should just have enough dignity to leave quietly.

 

She looks like a complete jackass if you ask me!

[bigmanpayne]

Wait?????

 

Wait for what?!?!?!?

 

WTF???

 

BEB that is the most stupidest ****e I have ever heard!

 

He has told her if it becomes physical with this or any other OM he will serve divorce papers if she sleeps with this OM why would he want her back? Your saying it's cool to do what she's doing? It's okay to tell your husband about the OM to his face. If your leaving you should just have enough dignity to leave quietly.

 

She looks like a complete jackass if you ask me!

 

 

i have no room to comment on anyone's situation, but some of the stuff BEB said is kinda crazy. women get away with murder, and sometimes expect to get away with murder. how would people feel about the situation if he were doing what she is doing? he'd be every bad name and stereotypical label in the book and a dead beat dad if they ever made it inside of a courtroom. people should grow up and take responsibility for their lives and the lives that they have promised to love and cherish (i.e. kids and spouse). cheating in any way is not the answer. do a separation or get a divorce, that way there is no cheating! that is responsible, but most people want what they want, when they want it, which in my case and in others leads to very hurt feelings, and years of rebuilding your life. nice guys usually finish last... especially in situations like this.

[Zuzu]

Zuzu, I feel for you man. Your wife can not possibly respect a man who bends over backwards to please her while she is pleasing herself with another man!

 

Nomad, I appreciate all of your responses and look forward to more. But I have to fill you in on some details. First, she's not pleasing herself with another man. I'd agree with you if that were the case - I'd be long gone by now. I'm also not bending over backwards for her. It was me who suggested that she get therapy, and who insisted that we not date or have sex anymore. So I feel no loss of pride or disrespect from her. In fact, these actions seem to have made her respect me more.

 

Every relationship is different. I think in most cases that yes, the wife in question is probably having a PA, and that those who have been cheated on before naturally assume this. In our case, I know several people in their office (including a relative) who would let me know if they saw or knew something. It's a very busy, social office. It would be extremely difficult for them to pull off a PA anywhere near the place. And my wife is accessible to either me or our kids almost every minute of the night. One of us is always aware of her whereabouts.

 

Does this guarantee that she's not doing anything? No, but it does lend credibility to her story, which is that she's admitting to being attracted to the OM. There is no evidence to suggest a PA, so filing for divorce would seem completely ridiculous at this point. I'm looking for ways to prevent this from becoming a PA, then having no choice but to file.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Nomad, I appreciate all of your responses and look forward to more. But I have to fill you in on some details. First, she's not pleasing herself with another man. I'd agree with you if that were the case - I'd be long gone by now. I'm also not bending over backwards for her. It was me who suggested that she get therapy, and who insisted that we not date or have sex anymore. So I feel no loss of pride or disrespect from her. In fact, these actions seem to have made her respect me more.

 

Every relationship is different. I think in most cases that yes, the wife in question is probably having a PA, and that those who have been cheated on before naturally assume this. In our case, I know several people in their office (including a relative) who would let me know if they saw or knew something. It's a very busy, social office. It would be extremely difficult for them to pull off a PA anywhere near the place. And my wife is accessible to either me or our kids almost every minute of the night. One of us is always aware of her whereabouts.

 

Does this guarantee that she's not doing anything? No, but it does lend credibility to her story, which is that she's admitting to being attracted to the OM. There is no evidence to suggest a PA, so filing for divorce would seem completely ridiculous at this point. I'm looking for ways to prevent this from becoming a PA, then having no choice but to file.

 

You sound too lightfooted to me. Why are you letting this EA even begin in the first place?

 

Where's your heart man?

[Blue Eyed Brain]

 

BEB that is the most stupidest ****e I have ever heard!

 

 

Okay, I can agree to disagree!

[Cobra_X30]

Okay, I can agree to disagree!

 

Just having an opinion doesn't make you right.

 

Lots of what you say is exact and correct.

 

I think you are wrong about the timing issue. I lived it from a pov that most don't care too much about.

 

What Zuzu's wife is doing is beyond disrespectful... it's disgusting. She is playing both sides against each other and forcing her own FAMILY to 'wait and see'. She has all the information needed to make an informed choice. She is simply leveraging the interest of both men against each other to force them to provide more of what she wants.

 

Do you understand why I say this?

[Zuzu]

Why are you letting this EA even begin in the first place?

 

Are you serious?

[millergirl]

Smileysmile,

 

I just read the above...I was married to a man that said very hurtful things to me also and it is very hard for someone to get over that. I think that in time she will forgive you for the hurt that you caused her. Depends on what kind of person she is really. I am a very forgiving person and forgave my ex a long time ago. Would I go back to him, not in a million years. He was also physically abusive which is a whole different animal altogether. The question is, can you forgive yourself? That is what you need to be focusing on. She may never forgive you, that is reality...we all do things to cause the people who are closest to us some sort of pain and not because we purposely want to hurt them it just happens for what ever reason, stresses in our lives cause us to lash out on the people who matter most.

 

You seem like a nice person who has realized his mistakes. Honestly, in time I think that she will forgive you. You just have to give it time.

[bigmanpayne]

 

BEB that is the most stupidest ****e I have ever heard!

 

 

 

maybe not the stupidest, just a different (albeit very) point of view.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Are you serious?

 

 

Well not begin. I would say flourish? Why are you letting this happen.

 

An affair is an affair.

 

You sound like your giving alot of leeway. Are you expecting she'll hang herself with the slack youve been feeding her?