allina Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Also if I was in a relationship and my SO and I were regulars at a certain bar and there were other women regulars at that bar who he had previously slept with I would feel a little bad, like it was stealing my thunder, like someone had their hands in my cookie jar first However this I could deal with. For me number issues come in to play is when the guy has what I consider a very large number of partners, lets say over 50. In this situation I would worry about him having poor self esteem (sleeping w/ every and any girl he can get in to bed), some sort of sexual addiction, needing validation through sex, possible kids out there. We also can't ignore the fact that often very promiscuous behavior is related to other issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Saxis Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I didn't seek therapy for promiscuous behavior, Saxis. I sought therapy because I had rape trauma syndrome and PTSD, which was affecting my life in horrific ways - polysubstance abuse, self-mutilation, abusive relationships where I was hit, kicked, spit on, and debased. The promiscuity didn't even enter into my therapy sessions. Getting to the point where I was no longer promiscuous was a happy side effect to getting the treatment that I desperately needed. Doesn't really matter if that's what the treatment was for or not, it still fixed the problem, didn't it? Do think you'd still be promiscuous without the treatment? It's like 2 alcoholics who are angry drunks, one going to meetings, the other not. Based on that decision alone, would you give them the same chance of success at curbing their anger? I think someone who identifies a problem and seeks help will be way more successful at solving that problem. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I'm 33 but even at 21, 3 months was too long a time. You're already getting to know a person and gauging compatibility for a million other reasons. Why settle for someone who already displays a red flag from the get-go? I forgot to mention that I agree with your 3 month estimate for most people but not all. Maybe I just tend to casually date longer than other people. I will not, as a rule, make a commitment to anyone I've dated less than 4-5 months. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Why settle for someone who already displays a red flag from the get-go? Just out of curiosity do you actually bring up number of partners within the first several dates? I ask mainly because the past several girls I've been with (from flings to relationships) have never even asked. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Doesn't really matter if that's what the treatment was for or not, it still fixed the problem, didn't it? Do think you'd still be promiscuous without the treatment? It's like 2 alcoholics who are angry drunks, one going to meetings, the other not. Based on that decision alone, would you give them the same chance of success at curbing their anger? I think someone who identifies a problem and seeks help will be way more successful at solving that problem. I guess you're right, although I don't know that I'd still be promiscuous without treatment. To be honest with you, I'd probably be dead. And you can't **** when you're dead! Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Ok, so I think that the basic argument is going something like: people with a high number of partners have issues or have a shady past (what's a shady past anyway?) I don't agree. I don't think my bf has a shady past or that he had issues when he was having sex with a different women every weekend. The only issue I can see he might have is that he is French and grew up in Paris. I don't know, something makes me uneasy about all the pop psychologising going on. I for one believe that people change because I know that - thank goodness - I am not the same person today then I was 10 years ago and I certainly don't think or go about sexuality the same way. As to numbers, sure our perception of them are relatives. But that goes both ways. While people with high number likely condone the behavior (because hey, they turned out all right), people with low numbers are most likely to condemn it. Guess I just admited I'm in the double digits . Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Now I will agree that if I knew of a guy who had a habit of making luuuuuuv promises in order to get sex, and then dumped a gal and moved on to his next victim, I would run as fast as I could in the other direction. However, this has everything to do with honesty and plain common decency and NOTHING to do with whether he likes to have sex or not. Of course he likes to have sex. But if he's an upfront, decent guy who doesn't play games in order to get said sex, I wouldn't have a problem with him, regardless of the numbers. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Thank goodness I will be a virgin again in a few months. Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I can tell you for certain that my man has had many past sexual partners, but I wouldn't expect to find a better more sincere, more thoughtful, caring, kind, and sexy man anywhere, no matter how long or how hard I looked, nor how much I compared "numbers." Grow up, people. My thoughts exactly. How about judging someone on how they are with you rather than judging someone based on their past? Pretty narrow minded, I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 As long as she never cheated on a man and was honest about how she did it I don't mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Leoni Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Maybe I just tend to casually date longer than other people. I will not, as a rule, make a commitment to anyone I've dated less than 4-5 months. Gotcha'. This will allow you time to get to know them better. Just out of curiosity do you actually bring up number of partners within the first several dates? I ask mainly because the past several girls I've been with (from flings to relationships) have never even asked. This response also covers blind_otter's post. I rarely date anyone I haven't known for a long time or are able to source out historical information about. It helps to stay within your social network. It's not an infallible technique but for the most part, it has helped to filter out enough incompatibles, previous to getting involved. Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 It's not an infallible technique but for the most part, it has helped to filter out enough incompatibles, previous to getting involved. How do you know they were "incompatibles" if you never got involved? Link to post Share on other sites
Saxis Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I guess you're right, although I don't know that I'd still be promiscuous without treatment. To be honest with you, I'd probably be dead. And you can't **** when you're dead! So you'd say, without help, your past might have influenced someone wanting to date you then? (That example is a bit extreme!) Link to post Share on other sites
Leoni Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 How do you know they were "incompatibles" if you never got involved? It's a small world out there luvs. If they're part of your social network, you hear more than enough stories. Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 It's a small world out there luvs. If they're part of your social network, you hear more than enough stories. And I think we're all old enough to have played the telephone game back when we were kids - enough to find out how "stories" are sometimes elaborated upon. Ahhh, gossip. Link to post Share on other sites
Saxis Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Just out of curiosity do you actually bring up number of partners within the first several dates? I ask mainly because the past several girls I've been with (from flings to relationships) have never even asked. This is one of the best points I will agree with. You'll probably never know (or tell) until the relationship has evolved enough for at least some trust to develop. Your judgment and decision becomes MUCH more complicated at that point, which is what we usually see posted on the boards. Link to post Share on other sites
Leoni Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 And I think we're all old enough to have played the telephone game back when we were kids - enough to find out how "stories" are sometimes elaborated upon. Ahhh, gossip. Wanting someone who doesn't have a promiscuous past is no different than wanting someone who was never addicted to drugs. Some addicts can beat drugs, other's fall off the wagon sometimes. I can respect that you're found the gold nugget by being such a big person and not looking to numbers. This is your choice. My choice is to be incredibly particular from the start, based on past experiences. No doubt I would have missed your current man but that's a risk I'm willing to take. The sad reality is that there are plenty of fish in the ocean. I don't see the need to always dig deep, to find if someone "might" be compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I'll say it for the second time today. There are a lot of men I'd like to f*ck. (Not that I will, mind you - being married and all.) I also said, in that post, that I am not a big fan of excessive numbers of sexual partners. To me, it is a red flag of....well, something. You know what I mean? I think you do. LOL... I know exactly what your saying! Honestly, Wilt doesnt turn me on either. Large number of partners is indicative of how someone views thier own sexuality. Does that make sense? See the important thing is that two people have similar views on sex... that's my POV. Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Wanting someone who doesn't have a promiscuous past is no different than wanting someone who was never addicted to drugs. Some addicts can beat drugs, other's fall off the wagon sometimes. I can respect that you're found the gold nugget by being such a big person and not looking to numbers. This is your choice. My choice is to be incredibly particular from the start, based on past experiences. No doubt I would have missed your current man but that's a risk I'm willing to take. The sad reality is that there are plenty of fish in the ocean. I don't see the need to always dig deep, to find if someone "might" be compatible. But this is a bit subjective, especially given ones view of age and types of lovers they have had. Do you differentiate between the lovers that have been romantic involvements, one night stands or prostitutes? I know one man inparticular who has had many sexual partners, however, he happens to be one of the most faithful and caring man i've ever met. Link to post Share on other sites
makemyblackrosesred Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Guys seem definitely more intune to sleep with a lot of women. Its like "another noch on my bed post" so to speak. I'm not sure why that is, other than they apparently have bigger sex drives, but people lie. Its like the old cliche guys brag about the women they sleep with and like to be seen as a player, when a woman is like that, she is seen as a whore. It's a good thing in convos when men talk about it with guys. Or at least that's my experience. (Not every guy is the same..so pardon if you are offended.) I just know as a woman, if I said to my friends (even guy friends) "Hey me and Joe Shmoe had sex last night for the fifth time in the past month" my friends would probably think I was a whore. With guys its almost expected. Link to post Share on other sites
Leoni Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 But this is a bit subjective, especially given ones view of age and types of lovers they have had. Do you differentiate between the lovers that have been romantic involvements, one night stands or prostitutes? I know one man inparticular who has had many sexual partners, however, he happens to be one of the most faithful and caring man i've ever met. Prostitutes aren't acceptable, so yes, I do differentiate. Also, anyone who's had a lot of ONSs aren't acceptable. Yes, yes, picky, picky, picky. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Wanting someone who doesn't have a promiscuous past is no different than wanting someone who was never addicted to drugs. To you, perhaps. This is just a fundamental difference in viewpoints: Some people consider sexual experience to be a bad thing while others do not. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 My thoughts exactly. How about judging someone on how they are with you rather than judging someone based on their past? Pretty narrow minded, I think. Which is a better indicator... How someone has acted the last 5 years or over the last 2 months. As I see it there is a big difference between people who believe that they can change thier partners and those who dont. Link to post Share on other sites
Leoni Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 To you, perhaps. This is just a fundamental difference in viewpoints: Some people consider sexual experience to be a bad thing while others do not. Which is something I can respect for someone else, although I don't agree with it for my personal choice. No big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Prostitutes aren't acceptable, so yes, I do differentiate. Also, anyone who's had a lot of ONSs aren't acceptable. Yes, yes, picky, picky, picky. No argument here. At least with myself. But somehow I don't apply the same criteria to other men or other women-ftm. Link to post Share on other sites
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