Dinner with married colleague

[dylan.h]

She knows it's inappropriate of her to go out with a single man whom her husband doesn't know anything about so late at night.

 

I don't mean to compare myself but I know for a fact that this is kosher in many established couples. They let their spouses go out, flirt and have fun, and they trust that their spouses aren't stupid enough to sleep with another man.

 

I will follow your advice though and either invite her husband along or simply ask her whether her husband is fine with this.

 

This is your reason to befriend this MW?

 

I don't know her very well and we aren't quite there yet. I am attracted to all of the women I hang out with. I realize we're in a grey area and up to a certain extent I do like to play with fire.

[dylan.h]

Also wanted to add this. Out of all the different areas of LS you could have put this i.e. Friendship, Dating, etc. you chose to put this iunder The Other Man/Woman.

 

Rather telling, wouldn't you say?

 

Listen, I realize this is a suspicious situation. Otherwise I wouldn't wonder about it.

[TogetherForever]

Also wanted to add this. Out of all the different areas of LS you could have put this i.e. Friendship, Dating, etc. you chose to put this iunder The Other Man/Woman.

 

Rather telling, wouldn't you say?

 

 

Touche!!!!

Very telling I say.

Why don't they all go to dinner? Husband, wife & "friend". Easy as that.

If you're not doing it in front of your spouse, you're cheating. Dr. Phil

TF

[blind_otter]

If you're not doing it in front of your spouse, you're cheating. Dr. Phil

 

Exactly. I don't care who says it's kosher, unless you know for a fact that this is the case with this woman and her husband I would curtail activities until you DO know. Get to know her husband. That way, any suspicions anyone has will be ameliorated.

[whichwayisup]

simply ask her whether her husband is fine with this.

 

I wouldn't fully trust her word if she says yes, he's totally fine with us going out, staying out late and being alone. Meet him. This has to happen if you want a friendship with her.

[whichwayisup]

Listen, I realize this is a suspicious situation. Otherwise I wouldn't wonder about it.

 

Then another thing you can do is, back off abit, and not put so much focus into a friendship that really may not be worth it. Think of the WHOLE picture, not just the moment of having some laughs and some fun. I mean, if you got married, had children, would this woman friend still be a part of your life? Be a family friend, spending time with her, her husband, and kids too? Or is it a fun-buddy friendship?

[Trimmer]

Hmmm... Like I mentioned in a previous post, I'm a gentleman and would never make a move on her.

 

And since she is married, I can only presume that she feels the same.

Making this presumption without further evidence requires that you think of her in a framework of some average married female. And that you think of their marriage in the framework of a relatively typical, average marriage.

 

So if we're talking in the context of typical partners, within typical marriages, a partner staying out until 3am, alone with someone of the opposite sex, drinking and sitting too close would generally NOT be acceptable. You seem to acknowledge this yourself:

 

I actually agree with you. {about how you would feel if you were a husband in this situation...} I would not be comfortable with this.

 

However I know a lot of people do that (go out and get drunk with a friend of the opposite sex) without necessarily being swingers.

Fine, but you've come here, apparently for advice, and we hear a LOT of bad stories on here that start out with apparently the best of intentions (although later determined to be people not being honest with themselves and each other...), and wind up with people saying: I never thought this would happen, I didn't mean for it, I didn't mean to hurt anyone... Of course, that doesn't mean something bad is going to happen, but convincing yourself that you know some other people for whom this would be OK doesn't guarantee safety in your case, either.

 

I've seen cases where an affair starts when the marriage is about to end, but I've never seen the dynamics of an affair when the marriage is in decent shape.

Hey, I'm not even saying you're headed inexorably towards a full-blown affair. I just think you're turning down a street lined with potential problems.

 

I am really confused as so far it seems like just friendship to me.

To you perhaps, but a separate issue, if you want to consider it, is what is it to her?

I still think you are underestimating the possibility that staying out solo with another man drinking until 3am would be a problem in most marriages. I'm not saying it's impossible, I just think that in most marriages, this wouldn't fly. You are basing your assumption of her state of mind on the assumption that she is being upfront with him about what she's doing. I'm obviously not there, but I'm not convinced. But this is interesting:

She also had to respond to him quickly so he doesn't think that she's "busy". I didn't go as far as asking her whether her husband knows we're out alone. That would've been similar to asking her whether she was cheating...

What does "busy" mean? Doesn't he know she's out with a guy, drinking until late? What more does he need to know, and why does he need immediate reassurance? What would the interpretation of "busy" mean, then, and why would he be concerned, if he trusts her to be out drinking with a man? What do you suppose she was actually telling him in those texts? "Still working; be home later..."

 

Of course you don't want to ask whether he knows she's out alone, and I won't "judge" you here, but be honest with yourself: are you not asking because you don't want to know the answer? Most people would know that a married person being out late drinking with someone else is an unusual situation, why couldn't you acknowledge that and ask "So what does your husband think of you being out late like this?" If it's really all above-board, she should have no problem telling you what a wonderful, understanding, trusting guy he is. (Which may or may not be true, but that's just another layer of the whole situation, isn't it?)

 

So we have the issues of what your feelings are, and what her feelings are. Yet a third issue,- again, if you want to ponder it - is how this might affect their marriage, but about this you seem to think:

How is that my problem?

By some approaches, it isn't. You could take the approach that her behavior is completely up to her.

 

Some people, on the other hand, would take the approach, if she's truly a friend, as opposed to a potential romantic interest, then out of our friendship, then I consider myself to be a friend of her marriage too.

 

I think this was already asked, but why not invite him out next time? Are you willing to do that?

 

Regardless of all that, how is it your problem? Consider that if her behavior does cause problems within their marriage - if, by chance, things are not all above board - then as some posters have suggested earlier in the thread, you may be in for a world of turbulent drama if it becomes an issue between them. Do you want to keep your eyes closed to that possibility until it is upon you?

[bish]

I have no idea what she tells her husband.

 

And something tells me you don't want to know....

 

Of course I don't do the same things with my female friends as I do with my male friends. Do you?

 

If they are truly "friends"...then yes. But then again..you asked her out because you are attracted to her...thats a date...not a friendship.

 

 

Now I suspect you're the stuck up, frustrated type who can look at a woman straight in the eye.

 

So you've never gone out on a friendly date with a woman? Are you a virgin or just an idiot?

 

BINGO!!! Thanks...you just said a friendly DATE. Thank you for proving my point.

 

Again, **** off!

 

Aww....such witty repartee. I think you know you are not engaging in appropriate behavior with a married woman and you can't take the truth.

[bish]

I think there's a proper way to express disagreement. I've gone through tough times myself and it doesn't justify my being a jerk to anyone.

 

So why are you a jerk to her husband indirectly? You said it yourself, "why is [he] my problem?"

 

That's why I came here to discuss my situation. I like constructive discussions. I don't like to be repeatedly insulted by another member.

 

And what have I done to insult you? I didn't call you any names did I? If telling the cold hard truth of the matter is insulting....so be it.

[bish]

Also wanted to add this. Out of all the different areas of LS you could have put this i.e. Friendship, Dating, etc. you chose to put this iunder The Other Man/Woman.

 

Rather telling, wouldn't you say?

 

I wondered that myself.

[Meaplus3]

Hello everyone,

 

I'm not sure if I started this thread in the right category but here's my situation.

 

I'm a single guy in my late twenties. I broke up with my long time girlfriend a couple of months ago. I was heartbroken but since I always had reasonable success with the ladies, I thought I'd get back in the game as soon as possible.

 

I ended up going for lunch with a married coworker. We work for the same company but we don't actually work together. I asked her out for lunch since I think she's very attractive but had no intention of going anywhere further. I always thought lunch is harmless anyway.

 

A couple of weeks later, we talk about going for lunch again but end up going for drinks after work. At this point, I become a bit suspicious but drinks after work is still kosher in my book. At the end of our meeting, she proposes that next time we go out for dinner...

 

Now, I realize some women just enjoy the company of men but I start to wonder if she's being a bit too friendly... A couple of weeks later we end up going for dinner. The meal was very good and it was getting very late. I was ready to call it a night but we ended up drinking another bottle of wine and closed the restaurant. It was almost 3 am by the time we left.

 

When I ran into her the next morning, she mentions we should go out again... How should I view this situation? If she were single I wouldn't think twice but since she is married, I really wonder what she's looking for.

 

Thanks in advance for your input.

 

" I asked her out for lunch since I think she's very attractive but had no intention of going anywhere further."

 

So in other word's if she was not attractive you would not have asked this MW to lunch? Please!!! This just tell's me that you were and are looking for something from the MW, guess that would explain why you would place this thread in the OW/OM section! She's married your single, you should know better.

 

AP:)