Had a visitor today... Part Deux

[stampdaddy]

Goodnight Ladies..

 

Thanks for the laughs tonight.. It was nice...

[Tomcat33]

Goodnight Ladies..

 

Thanks for the laughs tonight.. It was nice...

 

 

nite nite S-diddy!

[Ms. Red]

You're cuter!

where have you been hiding out?

 

See? You can even mis-quote peeps. LoL

_____________________________________________________________

Allow me to give it a shot S. Daddy,

 

Example put this: [qwote=stampdaddy;1452979] I am the StampDaddy!!![/qwote]

 

Only spell quote correct & it comes out like this:

 

I am the StampDaddy!!!

[Lyssa]

You're cuter!

where have you been hiding out?

 

Just been busy and had a lot of things on my mind!!

 

Stampdaddy - good night and hope your mind will be clearer when you wake up later!

[reboot]

Her and her husband were involved a lot more than 3.5 years. I don't see how some of you can say, "oh she's not going to throw away 3.5 years!", and expect that throwing away her marriage would be much easier in comparison. I agree that this isn't NC, it's just her keeping him "on the hook".

 

The depth of unfeeling I'm hearing in sd's threads for this poor BH is disgusting. And not just from stampdaddy. None of you know him. All you know is what is being told about him, from a completely biased viewpoint. The man may be suffering greatly. And people are acting like he's just some jack ass who's neglected his wife and deserves what he gets. I don't know why this still surprises me here.

 

But quite frankly stampdaddy, you two deserve each other, so I hope it works out for you. Her poor husband needs to be set free.

[stampdaddy]

Her and her husband were involved a lot more than 3.5 years. I don't see how some of you can say, "oh she's not going to throw away 3.5 years!", and expect that throwing away her marriage would be much easier in comparison. I agree that this isn't NC, it's just her keeping him "on the hook".

 

The depth of unfeeling I'm hearing in sd's threads for this poor BH is disgusting. And not just from stampdaddy. None of you know him. All you know is what is being told about him, from a completely biased viewpoint. The man may be suffering greatly. And people are acting like he's just some jack ass who's neglected his wife and deserves what he gets. I don't know why this still surprises me here.

 

But quite frankly stampdaddy, you two deserve each other, so I hope it works out for you. Her poor husband needs to be set free.

 

OK, Reboot.. END OF POST! Thanks everybody

[Owl]

I've got to say, I agree a lot with what I've heard from Mustang and from Reboot.

 

There's no NC in place. She comes by, you talk. You share feelings, she gets her happy feelings from knowing you're still there for her, and the story goes on.

 

I'm not congratulating SD for following the same pattern he's been following.

 

I too have tried to help SD get an understanding of what's going on from a BS's perspective, but quite honestly, SD is totally focused on ONE thing here...his feelings for her. There's NO focus on her family, there's no care about what any of the long term repercussions of this will be...its focused on what makes him happy.

 

I'm with Reboot, SD. I've tried to post some helpful advice to you, but I fear its been a waste of time.

 

I'll stay out of your threads from now on.

[Tomcat33]

Her and her husband were involved a lot more than 3.5 years. I don't see how some of you can say, "oh she's not going to throw away 3.5 years!", and expect that throwing away her marriage would be much easier in comparison. I agree that this isn't NC, it's just her keeping him "on the hook".

 

The depth of unfeeling I'm hearing in sd's threads for this poor BH is disgusting. And not just from stampdaddy. None of you know him. All you know is what is being told about him, from a completely biased viewpoint. The man may be suffering greatly. And people are acting like he's just some jack ass who's neglected his wife and deserves what he gets. I don't know why this still surprises me here.

 

But quite frankly stampdaddy, you two deserve each other, so I hope it works out for you. Her poor husband needs to be set free.

 

 

And you are supposed to feel sorry and pitty for someone who checked out if his duties as a husband and partner for many years because.....why again? someone who when faced with the competition of a nother man is NOW willing to take a long hard look at his W and himself. Please! I thought we were speaking of adults?

[Tomcat33]

I'm not congratulating SD for following the same pattern he's been following.

 

 

 

Of course you are not because you want the poor betrayed husband to win her back at every cost, even when SHE is not remotely interested.

 

 

Stamp is sticking to his end of the bargain to stay in NC what do you want him to do put electric fencing around his place so she doesn't break NC and tresspass? I mean c'mon!

[Owl]

Two thoughts.

 

There are DEFINTELY stronger measures he could (and should) be taking to enforce NC. Simply restating his 'boundary' that he's not willing to see or talk with her until she's taken the steps that they agreed on. And if she comes around...tell her point blank not to come back until that's happened.

 

Second...yes, I am DEFINITELY pro-marriage. That doesn't mean every marriage can or should be saved. I recognize that. I also recognize that the ONE source of information we have is SD...who is appreciably biased. So yes, I give the marriage the benefit of the doubt. I think everything should be done to ensure that it is beyond reconciliation before she moves out to be with SD. Not just for her BS and kids...but for her as well.

 

I'm not congratulating SD...because he didn't take the stance he's been saying he would. Because he's allowing this whole situation to go on.

 

As far as if she's "remotely interested"...right now, not even SHE really knows what she wants. I've seen it in my wife, I've seen it in other people I've personally known, as well as countless stories I've read on several boards. If she knew what she wanted...she'd be moved out and living with SD right now. What she says isn't nearly as indicative as what she DOES.

 

If this is true love...then SD backing off completely out of the situation for the next six months won't matter at all, right? PROVE IT...tell her not to come back for six months, and only then if she's divorced and moved out on her own.

 

It'll give you irrefutable 'proof' of where she stands, and it'll give a much more solid foundation for your relationship...right? It'll prove the BS wrong...it'll prove me wrong.

 

Step up...force a decision now to make both of your lives better in the long run.

[reboot]

And you are supposed to feel sorry and pitty for someone who checked out if his duties as a husband and partner for many years because.....why again? someone who when faced with the competition of a nother man is NOW willing to take a long hard look at his W and himself. Please! I thought we were speaking of adults?

And the proof that he stepped out of his duties is? What stampdaddy says? heh... ok TC.

 

I would contend that banging another man for 3.5 years is stepping out on someone's duties. But we do often look at things differently.

 

All most of us have been saying all along is for stamp to look out for himself and not trust her to do what he thinks is best for him. If you want to offer him blind hope that's fine. It seems to be what he prefers anyway.

[Tomcat33]

Two thoughts.

 

As far as if she's "remotely interested"...right now, not even SHE really knows what she wants. I've seen it in my wife, I've seen it in other people I've personally known, as well as countless stories I've read on several boards. If she knew what she wanted...she'd be moved out and living with SD right now. What she says isn't nearly as indicative as what she DOES.

 

 

 

OWL I stopped reading at this point, it's not the same situation. Your W had an EA on you for a couple of months, you can't even compare the two women. In your case yes she prob was just reaching out for help and she caught your attention and you sprung back like a slinky toy when faced with the idea of losing her, but most imprtantly SO DID SHE when faced with the idea of losing you.

 

 

And it is so easy to say from the outside "if they wanted out they would get out," when there are children involved and common interests, ie financial ones. Gees moving out of the home you share with someone you live with common-law is a huge ordeal and a whole process, let alone add kids to that, a marriage certificate, families and friends.

 

It's actually NOT that cut and dry and NOT that simple as "you want out get out" I wish people would stop making that oversimplistic comment and actually think for a second what it all entails. Being an arm chair quarterback is easy, anyone can sit there and make comments on how easy this and that is from the comfort of our patooties infront of a computer, but being in a situation is a completely different story. It's a process, one comes to grips with that by the end of the exhaustion of how overwhelming the whole change of divorcing and leaving one life behind to start another comes to play, staying proves to be the less agrivating choice until a person can no longer take it and they make the move but all that takes time. Yes it's selfish and yes it is self centered but it is what it is.

[reboot]

It's actually NOT that cut and dry and NOT that simple as "you want out get out" I wish people would stop making that oversimplistic comment and actually think for a second what it all entails. Being an arm chair quarterback is easy, anyone can sit there and make comments on how easy this and that is from the comfort of our patooties infront of a computer, but being in a situation is a completely different story. It's a process, one comes to grips with that by the end of the exhaustion of how overwhelming the whole change of divorcing and leaving one life behind to start another comes to play, staying proves to be the less agrivating choice until a person can no longer take it and they make the move but all that takes time. Yes it's selfish and yes it is self centered but it is what it is.

Thank you. You just proved MY point.

[stampdaddy]

And the proof that he stepped out of his duties is? What stampdaddy says? heh... ok TC.

 

I would contend that banging another man for 3.5 years is stepping out on someone's duties. But we do often look at things differently.

 

All most of us have been saying all along is for stamp to look out for himself and not trust her to do what he thinks is best for him. If you want to offer him blind hope that's fine. It seems to be what he prefers anyway.

RB, some of the things you say just arent fair.. You dont know what I want, and how I want it. NO MATTER what "role" a person becomes in a situation like mine, yours, TC's or anybody elses, we have come HERE to LS for help. I am not here for my amusement.. Although some of the folks here have amused me (in a good way).. Anyway, you offer tremendous and invaluable help to me and others, but you also have a very quick jab...

 

And dont tell me I dont think about BS, maybe I just feel like "what's the point" of going through the motions when someone has been "checked out" of a M for so long..

 

Question for you: Was your wife not a wife for 6 years before you caught on??? (his words)

[reboot]

Fair? hahahahahaha.

 

Laughter is good. Thanks.

[stampdaddy]

You guys have fun.. I'm going to get to work...

Circle jerk me all you want, I came here for help and I DID receive it, from all of you, so thank you

[Owl]

Actually, she didn't "spring back" like a slinky toy.

 

She lived in our home for about two months after not getting on the plane before she "made her choice". During that time, we were in an 'in home' seperation, sleeping in seperate areas of the house, and barely talking. I was helping her take the steps she needed to move out, get a job, etc...

 

It was after about two months of this that things started to change

 

She didn't immediately decide to reconcile. Her FIRST choice was to fly away and leave her family and live with OM. But...OM put a stop to it when he suspected she might have some doubts.

 

Even when she didn't get on the plane, she went through a solid month of "withdrawl"...which I know you don't recognize as real since you don't agree with the addiction theory. But here's a thought for you...I didn't know about ANY of that kind of stuff when I was going through all of this in my own situation. Had never heard of MB, or any of those other things. Didn't start reading about how infidelity works until AFTER we'd started to reconcile.

 

Also...I didn't "spring back like a slinky toy either". I'd been trying to make changes in our marriage for about that last year...the time frame when things were getting bad. But all that effort wasn't doing me any good, because SHE wasn't willing to change. After the affair, after breaking things off with OM...she began to see what SHE needed to change on her side so that things could improve.

 

In this case, BOTH BS and MW here have things they need to change. This was probably a wake up call for BS that things were this bad.

 

I'm curious...how hard did SHE try to tell her BS BEFORE the affair that things were bad? That they needed to change? How hard did SHE work to make changes in the marriage BEFORE she turned to SD?? (my money says she was just as 'checked out' as her husband was...)

 

Just a little more insight for you on my situation. It was still an emotional affair...and it followed the same "script" that all of these things nearly always follow.

[Tomcat33]

Ok OWL I'll start on a positive note with you in that you are absolutely right on one thing when you ask "exactly how hard did she try to work on the marriage before she decided to go out and find someone else" I agree wholeheartedly with that notion. It's not good enough to poin the finger one way (towards the BS) it's not fair it's not responsible and it certainly is NOT the way it is, that the onis is on the BS to take hold of the probleme. The onis is on the cheater to reach out to the BS and let them know that they are losing them and how can they fix things.

The thing is that some people don't want to be saved, some people don't want to have their needs met by the spouse they will be cheating on, some people know that they cannot got what they are seeking elsewhere from their spouses. So the dilemna starts, can I live with this set of needs VS this set of needs? and if if so which outweighs which?

 

 

 

OWL your W never ONCE met her OM in person, I am sorry but this will sound harsh, a person would have to be COMPLETELY insane to leave a marriage, house/family for a person they never even met live!?!? Thank GOODNESS she came to her senses when she did, your story is just downright crazy! (mean that not in a bad way it is jus so out there to think someone would be tHAT into someone that they have never even me!?!?)

 

Your W was going through a bout of temporary insanity, clearly.

 

 

Of course she went through a month of withdrawl she made up this whole fantasy in her head and was living IN THIS FANTASY inside her head for how long? until she then realised it was all coming to an end, you BET she would be feeling withdrawl. It's just as heavy if not more than a withdrawl you feel when you breakup with someone you are used to being with.

 

Again, I really don't think you can compare your situation to that of Stamp's. You share topical similarities but fundamentally you really are comparing apples and oranges. But whatever you are completely entitled to feel they are the same thing...

[reboot]

I don't think he's trying to say that his situation and stamp's are exactly the same, obviously they aren't, just that they followed a similar "script". And I agree that most of them do follow a script, or at least, a small set of scripts. That's just my opinion based on all the stories I've read here (and at similar places).

[Owl]

'XACTLY!!!

 

I agree my wife was hooked on a FANTASY.

 

She had no idea what living with OM would be like. There are so many things she never took into consideration when she was involved in her affair. She never considered what it would be like trying to deal with our four kids and how a divorce and her re-marrying OM would be like. She honestly thought that her, OM, and I would all end up some kind of big happy extended family/friend thing. She knew that OM smoke (she's very allergic to cigarette smoke), drank nightly (something she detests in a man), and was constantly broke. She knew that he'd had a previous marriage that failed in a horribly ugly divorce...which should have been a big red flag. She never gave any real thought to what life would be like living where he was at, with all of her family and friends angry and upset with her about leaving me when I'd clearly been a caring, loving husband and father.

 

What she really seemed to want was to swap out OM and I in our roles in her life...him as friend and me as husband. Instead, what she wanted was me as her best friend and OM as her husband.

 

I totally agree...she was all hooked on a FANTASY that was not one bit based in reality.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hmmm...interesting note tho...notice that none of those things are specific to her being involved in a long distance emotional affair? That most of those would apply to the vast majority of other affairs out there?

 

Wow...maybe these things aren't so 'unique' after all?

[Owl]

I was just thinking too...

 

I know that my situation was a little 'different' than SD's.

 

Does that make my advice any less relevent? Does that make the things I've suggested he do any LESS applicable?

 

Does it negate my ability to give him advice?

 

How is anyone else around here MORE qualified than me (or anyone else) to post advice to him, or anyone else on this site?

[stampdaddy]

I was just thinking too...

 

I know that my situation was a little 'different' than SD's.

 

Does that make my advice any less relevent? Does that make the things I've suggested he do any LESS applicable?

 

Does it negate my ability to give him advice?

 

How is anyone else around here MORE qualified than me (or anyone else) to post advice to him, or anyone else on this site?

No it dosent Owl, and again, just so you know, and Reboot and TomCat and EVERYBODY ELSE.. All help is HELP... Some of us ALL get lost inour own situations... No TWO ARE ALIKE, and yes I agree, there is a common script and mine may play out as one, BUT I DESERVE the benefit of the doubt that it won't until it does.....

 

Owl, thank you for your advice, and I have never downplayed your situation as not comparable...

[whichwayisup]

Circle jerk me all you want

 

This just made me LOL for real. Circle jerk....But I though that was a group of men... hehe..

 

Some of us ALL get lost inour own situations

 

And that's why it's easier to give advice to others. Everyone knows it's harder to actually put the advice into action let alone try to take a step back and be objective. That goes for every situation in life, not only A's.

[Tomcat33]

I was just thinking too...

 

I know that my situation was a little 'different' than SD's.

 

Does that make my advice any less relevent? Does that make the things I've suggested he do any LESS applicable?

 

Does it negate my ability to give him advice?

 

How is anyone else around here MORE qualified than me (or anyone else) to post advice to him, or anyone else on this site?

 

 

Are you kidding me you give great advice!! That's what I think at least...for whatever it's worth...

I'm sorry if you thought I was saying that you are not "qualified to give advice" who the heck is here? and most importantly who the heck am I to say that!?!? Seriously now.

 

But I do feel like pointing out that some of the things that you draw back in your examples with "well my wife...etc etc...." I just think that while the sentiments are fine your W was a very different scenario. She was in love with the idea of a man she never met, you can't compare that to someone who is in a physical emotional and tactile relationship with another human being day in day out for X amount of time. The hardships of the decision that had to take place for your W are on a very different spectrum of that to someone like Stamp's woman...is the point I am trying to convey.

Does that make sense?

 

'XACTLY!!!

 

I agree my wife was hooked on a FANTASY.

 

She had no idea what living with OM would be like. There are so many things she never took into consideration when she was involved in her affair. She never considered what it would be like trying to deal with our four kids and how a divorce and her re-marrying OM would be like. She honestly thought that her, OM, and I would all end up some kind of big happy extended family/friend thing. She knew that OM smoke (she's very allergic to cigarette smoke), drank nightly (something she detests in a man), and was constantly broke. She knew that he'd had a previous marriage that failed in a horribly ugly divorce...which should have been a big red flag. She never gave any real thought to what life would be like living where he was at, with all of her family and friends angry and upset with her about leaving me when I'd clearly been a caring, loving husband and father.

 

 

And that's all fine, but I think Stamp's woman has some idea what it would be like to be with Stamp when she has spent the most part of the last almost four years practically living at his house....She has no clue what the family life will be in terms of kids/Stamp and her, but then again NO ONE that is from a divorced background knows how the family is going to jell with the new bf/gf once the relationship goes from dating to a formal live in one. So she has a REAL idea of what Stamp is about. She is not getting on a plane leaving behind a family and whole life for a man she never set eyes on in person....is really all I am pointing out is the glaring difference here. But yes I agree as I mentioned before there are plenty of topical similarities that he can and SHOULD used as words of caution for HIS own assesment of his MW.

[reboot]

I think Stamp's woman has some idea what it would be like to be with Stamp

Hell, at this point I think *I* have some idea what it would be like to live with stamp.

 

My problem is, I don't think stamp really knows what living with her is going to be like. Her track record isn't so great so far IMHO.