(warning: "Nice guy" rant) Girls don't want to be treated good.

[peridot]

There have been some really good points made so far. I do wonder if in being "a nice guy" you are not displaying the things that women can find attractive, such as drive, self confidence, self belief and showing that you are attracted to them. You can be all of these and still be nice, along with being exciting. Don't lose the things that are masculine or be afriad to show it. It's about getting the balance right. If you start of trying to be the friend that that is likely where it will stay. If you're attracted to someone to need to show it, it doesn't make you a sleeze or anything.

[jcster]

All the girls I'm interested in always just end up being "good friends" and I'm sick and tired of it. I'm a person, too! Why do they always seem to run off to the disrespectful, mean and abusive guys, then come crying back to me to tell me how horrible they were treated? And then, what do you know, they go running right back out there and find another sleezeball. Wash, rinse, repeat.

 

Generally, when I tell a guy something like this, it's because there is some aspect of his personality that turns me off. There are a few types that come to mind:

 

1. The "nice guy." He defines himself as the "nice guy," and treats everyone the same...exactly the same. Comes off as fake and impersonal or utterly insecure.

 

2. The passive/agressive guy. He's nice because he's afraid not to be, and when he doesn't want to be. We can read it a mile away.

 

3. The neutred dude. The one who's so inoffensive and bland that he seems asexual. No cajones...no spice...kind of like hummus. Who wants hummus every day?

 

4. Sometimes, it's just a vibe. or a smell.

 

And, it's "well" - "girls don't want to be treated well."

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Well here is where the funny part comes in...they go for the bad boys who are so full of themselves....they don't even care about their narcissism...they want the "looks" and the bad boy attitude.

 

THEN, when the bad boy treats them like crap (what a shocker!)...they all of a sudden become as$$holes and the girls who date them go on rants about why they can't find a good guy. I think its funny as hell.

 

that's such crap. girls mostly want a balance. they want someone who can treat them well, but isn't a wuss and can put her in her place when she needs it. no one wants a total jerk, but no one wants someone so nice and so careful that he acts like you can do anything and he'll stay with you. you can't respect anyone who kisses your a$$. that kind of guy tends to get cheated on or dumped.

 

oh, and not having baggage is a plus too, but i guess both jerks and nice guys can have that.

 

and sometimes you don't realize a guy is an a-hole until you break up. even the super-nice guys can really change once their feelings get hurt.

[Sunblast]

It's because the girls haven't figured it out yet (basically haven't been screwed over enough yet). It took me 2.5 yrs in a ****ty relationship

 

CD, share with the class how the two of you started dating.

[lino]

Lino: That seems to be the general consensus I hear concerning the "nice guy" issue. It just seems really cold when someone comes to you in tears, obviously very distraught, and you just shove them away with a "Not my problem.". I just don't want to be that uncaring, insensitive guy. Maybe it goes back to my childhood; I had no one I could really turn to when I was upset and it made me feel miserable. I don't know - perhaps I'm putting too much blame on my past and not enough focus on the present.

It just seems really cold to me, thats all.

 

Yeah I know it doesn't seem nice but does it really matter that much to you if these girls who have simply befriended you get offended by your coldness & don't want to be friends anymore? That's the worst that will happen if you take that chance.

 

You said you have alot of female friends as a result of pursuing women only to have them befriend you & nothing more, maybe try it with just some of them that way atleast if they stop being friends with you, you still have the others

 

Still, I don't know if you're having trouble initiating any sort of romantic/sexual relationship with a woman as a result of being too nice or you're having trouble keeping a serious relationship for the same reason. You didn't answer my question in my earlier post.

[bish]

that's such crap. girls mostly want a balance. they want someone who can treat them well, but isn't a wuss and can put her in her place when she needs it. no one wants a total jerk, but no one wants someone so nice and so careful that he acts like you can do anything and he'll stay with you. you can't respect anyone who kisses your a$$. that kind of guy tends to get cheated on or dumped.

 

 

Get a clue...nobody is talking about a nice guy kissing as$s. Show me where I said that.

 

And its been my experience that if there are 2 guys standing in front of a woman...one with balance and ok looks....and one with a little bit of attitude and great looks....the latter guy wins....so don't hand me that line of bull.

[bish]

and sometimes you don't realize a guy is an a-hole until you break up. even the super-nice guys can really change once their feelings get hurt.

 

did ya by chance re-read what you just said here?

You want a guy with "balance" right?

 

Well if a super-nice guy changes once his feelings are hurt, for example being cheated on, then that is an example of someone who isn't going to kiss your as$s as you put already. It is an example of a guy who isn't going to stand for being walked all over.

 

and if you are dating a nice guy and you cheat on him....well...who is the jerk then?

[Woggle]

Somebody made a good point that you can do anything you want to certain men and they will keep coming back for more. I will do right by a woman that does right by me but as soon as she cheats or wrongs me she is out the door and women know that with me. They can't get away with what other men let women get away with.

 

Some women are also just addicted to drama and they are incapable of being content and happy in a healthy relationship. They date the biggest scum out there then when they get used and abused they end up hating men. These women are not even worth a man's time or effort because they go for the jerk every time and when they get over jerks they are so bitter that no man can get close. Let these women wallow in their self imposed drama. Most damsels in distress put willingly jump into it and the sooner nice guys realize that the better off they will be.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Get a clue...nobody is talking about a nice guy kissing as$s. Show me where I said that.

 

And its been my experience that if there are 2 guys standing in front of a woman...one with balance and ok looks....and one with a little bit of attitude and great looks....the latter guy wins....so don't hand me that line of bull.

 

first of all, learn to read, please. i was referring to the kind of nice guy who is so nice that acts a certain way and is therefore not getting respect.

 

so? that's your experience. i'm allowed to have different experiences than you, and in my experience, the opposite has been true. thanks goodness, because i could never live such a bitter, closed-minded life.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

did ya by chance re-read what you just said here?

You want a guy with "balance" right?

 

Well if a super-nice guy changes once his feelings are hurt, for example being cheated on, then that is an example of someone who isn't going to kiss your as$s as you put already. It is an example of a guy who isn't going to stand for being walked all over.

 

and if you are dating a nice guy and you cheat on him....well...who is the jerk then?

 

who said anything about cheating? get some counseling, seriously, and grow up.

 

there are lots of ways people get their feelings hurt, cheating is only one of them. i made that comment in regard to a comment you made about laughing at people who date a-holes and are treated like crap. my point was that sometimes you don't know they're a-holes until close to the end or afterward, like say, a break-up? a misunderstanding? miscommunication? note--not cheating.

 

you have a one-track mind, there is no point in trying to have an intelligent, informed, diverse conversation with you, because it all goes back to 'i was hurt badly and will never recover so this is about me and how i was cheated on.' to be honest, i can't say i'm surprised things worked out for you the way they did, and i think they always will. good luck with that.

[sumdude]

This is pretty good advice but can a timid "nice guy" suddenly make himself aggressive? You're forward and aggressive with women (not in a bad violent way ) but is that natural or something a "nice guy" can make himself do?

 

It's possible but takes some work. Sometimes it happens naturally with time an experince.. or one day you just stop giving a d**m.

 

Falling in love then getting your heart properly shredded will stop you from being so nice that's for sure. Just don't turn into a cold misogynist or biitter victim.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

It's possible but takes some work. Sometimes it happens naturally with time an experince.. or one day you just stop giving a d**m.

 

Falling in love then getting your heart properly shredded will stop you from being so nice that's for sure. Just don't turn into a cold misogynist or biitter victim.

 

good advice, sumdude. i think you're right, in the case you described (learning not to be quite so nice after being hurt). as long as you can find a balance, and not bring your past into every present situation, one can learn, as a former 'nice guy' to stand up for himself. he can then command respect from women, as opposed to becoming, as you said, a cold misogynist or bitter victim, which is completely unattractive and pushes away not just women, but all people.

 

it's all about confidence; you can tell when someone has it, and when they don't, and having it definitely works in your favour, whereas not having does the exact opposite.

[Dynamo]

Hmm I hear that a lot that confidence is one of the key roots to relationships.. I always thought I had pretty good confidence, but perhaps I'm wrong. What are some tips for building self confidence?

 

Thanks for all the responses, everyone!

[Pedigree]

What are some tips for building self confidence?

 

Working out and getting fit for me. Usually the heavier I am, the more introvert I become (And being on the shy side of things, that makes things worst).

[sumdude]

Okay I'll use an example, slightly cheezy but here goes.... In the original Star Wars movies... This is Luke..

 

I've spent the last four years being nothing but kind, compassionate, courteous, "knight-in-shinning-armor" type of guy to every woman I meet, whether I want a relationship with her or not.

 

Han Solo was the one most girls wanted though.... simple animal appeal, not afraid to show his sexuality and attitude. Willing to walk away and tell Leia to stuff it once in a while.

 

Later Luke went through some tough stuff. A bit hardened and gained appeal.

 

Know what I mean? You've gotta have some edge..

[Keara]

Hmm I hear that a lot that confidence is one of the key roots to relationships.. I always thought I had pretty good confidence, but perhaps I'm wrong. What are some tips for building self confidence?

Overcoming things you didn't think you could, or accomplishing things that were difficult for you. Builds the confidence that you can be successful no matter what the obsticles are. That's how I built up my confidence.

 

You can look fantastic by working out, but that just builds up your confidence about how you look. Who you are inside is entirely different. Most people don't stay in long term relationships because you have a great body... or if they do, do you want them? The only way to build yourself up is to stretch your limits and keep trying bigger things until you've strengthened the person you are on the inside.

[Pedigree]

You can look fantastic by working out, but that just builds up your confidence about how you look. Who you are inside is entirely different

 

True. But it does help me feel more secure, though.

[lovedango]

Okay, maybe I should throw my two cents in here.

 

I don't have problems getting girls, not at all, but it wasn't always that way. I don't know what changed but something did. But now that I DO get them, I am very attentive on why my "nice-guy" friends don't seem to be able to get the girls they want.

 

The number one reason is attitude. Girls enjoy attitude, that doesn't mean, you have to be mean, it just means you have to have spunk, which we all do naturally. The reason you may not be perceived by women to have attitude is you are are nice for the sake of being nice. My friends do the same thing, I don't. I am not overly nice if it is not warranted, but I am when it calls for it. I'm not mean ever, I'm just not nice all the time, I don't feel like it is my job to make people happy, but enjoy that who I am does make some people happy.

 

The number two reason is looks. Often my friends don't land the girl just because they aren't the most attractive. They take it to heart and the girl usually lies to them, and gives them the friend card, but more often then not (and this is straight from the horses mouth) the girl just doesn't find them attractive.

 

And last but not least, timing. If you wait to long to show interest (as stated previously in this thread) your are shooting yourself in the foot. You have to make your attentions clear early, and by ACTIONS and not WORDS. Flirt, be you. Don't put on a show and definitely don't worry about what she thinks of other guys. If you can master the timing and the flirting, you will be able to date more of the girls you want to.

 

- Anthony Bertolo

[lino]

Working out & getting in fine shape will help your confidence and will help you to get alot of girls, however maybe not the best ones to have a relationship with

I know it too well

[bish]

Working out & getting in fine shape will help your confidence and will help you to get alot of girls, however maybe not the best ones to have a relationship with

I know it too well

 

exactly..because then you get the women that are superficial. I like to take care of myself for me...and yes I want to look attractive. But its a double-edged sword because you are right...something about the certain type of women you will get when you take care of yourself.

 

Thats why my standards are astronomically high when it comes to women. I don't need a perfect body. To me, the way she treats me is much more important and the way we interact.

[pgam]

Nice guys do not intrigue women. Now it's time you get some help and find out how to become intriguing to women.

 

I'll share how, but you have to ask

[Numerouno]

Positive and inspirational lyrics/music (as well as movies) helped me develop and also reinforce my confidence. I avoided the other "I love you baby, here's a mercedes, won't you be my babe" bulls*** like the plague.

 

And, yes, that involved me listening to the "Rocky" theme song.

 

I'll share how, but you have to ask

What's the story with "but you have to ask"??? Do you have a small penis or something?

[pgam]

To answer your question on what's with ask and I'll share, I spent years not being good with women. Then I sought help and discovered how to be good with women, how to be a better man overall.

 

Now I just like sharing my knowledge. I don't give it unsolicited though. You have to ask.

 

I dated totally hot women, then I found my bride-to-be. After a few failed situations, numerous conquests, I discovered the secret.

 

And it's not a small penis. LMFAO

[sumdude]

To answer your question on what's with ask and I'll share, I spent years not being good with women. Then I sought help and discovered how to be good with women, how to be a better man overall.

 

Now I just like sharing my knowledge. I don't give it unsolicited though. You have to ask.

 

I dated totally hot women, then I found my bride-to-be. After a few failed situations, numerous conquests, I discovered the secret.

 

And it's not a small penis. LMFAO

 

Ok, so won't you share what worked for you then?

[Pedigree]

To answer your question on what's with ask and I'll share, I spent years not being good with women. Then I sought help and discovered how to be good with women, how to be a better man overall.

 

Now I just like sharing my knowledge. I don't give it unsolicited though. You have to ask.

 

I dated totally hot women, then I found my bride-to-be. After a few failed situations, numerous conquests, I discovered the secret.

 

And it's not a small penis. LMFAO

 

Are you one of those PUA dudes?