Dynamo Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I just don't get it, and I'm honestly about to completely give up on relationships all together. This is probably going to fall into your stereotypical "nice guy" type of rant.. I just need to get this off my chest and hear a few answers. Why don't girls seem to want to be anything more then "just friends" with guys who treat them with respect, honesty and love? Every girl I meet seems to rather be with someone who's mean, vicious, abusive, or has some sort of issue that the majority of the world would consider "negative". I just don't get it. I know I'm not getting hit with the "just friends" hammer as a cover up for my looks, because I know I'm decently attractive- I've had several different girls (seriously) tell me I'm hot, and if they weren't taken they'd so "get with me". So it's not just a cover up. What is it, then? No, I am not a clingy person. I'm an introvert who acts like an extrovert, so I am perfectly content being by myself for long stretches of time and giving her space. All the girls I'm interested in always just end up being "good friends" and I'm sick and tired of it. I'm a person, too! Why do they always seem to run off to the disrespectful, mean and abusive guys, then come crying back to me to tell me how horrible they were treated? And then, what do you know, they go running right back out there and find another sleezeball. Wash, rinse, repeat. And no, I'm not a guy who tells a girl she's beautiful 10 times in a conversation. I make nice actions, I don't just blabber "your pretty, your amazing, I love you" blah blah blah.. I believe actions speak louder then words, so I SHOW kindness rather then just spout it off. I'm just really fed up with the opposite sex in general; I've spent the last four years being nothing but kind, compassionate, courteous, "knight-in-shinning-armor" type of guy to every woman I meet, weither I want a relationship with her or not. Yet I STILL spend the weekends alone or hanging out with friends who are all paired off but me. GAH! I'm sorry everyone, I just needed to release some steam. I'm just so frustrated with my dating situation currently that I don't know what to do. We are all taught growing up, "treat others how you would like to be treated". I treat everyone I meet with kindness and love, yet they seem to never return the favor. And it's not like I'm not showing interest in these girls, either.. I don't know how many times I've brushed a lock of hair away from a girl's face and told her how beautiful I thought she was. Thats it. I give up.
Racquel Colette Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 It is not how you say. Finding a woman who is into you, and you are into her is not the easiest thing! I really think it is about luck. I'm sure there are plenty of women you weren't or aren't into who other guys would kill to date. That is the irony of life.
dalap Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I'm in a similar boat. Very nice guy, pretty attractive, and the only girls who seem to dig the caring angle are very very desperate, and very very fat and ugly. Lots of women seem to be genetically wired to lust after guys who treat them like crap. That's all I can figure.
jerbear Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Let go of the friends and when the friend line pops up; move on to the next one. Keep the friendship, take a step back, and pursue others. Sometimes that works, sometimes you gained a new friend, and sometimes you just lost both, you might even get lucky with a threesome. Oh well...
Racquel Colette Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 These are all excuses, men. Maybe you need to look within yourself objectively and look at what could be turning the ladies off. I'm not being unkind, just a thought. I personally am doing some introspection regarding the topic.
Author Dynamo Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 Thank you for the replies so far, everyone. These are all excuses, men. Maybe you need to look within yourself objectively and look at what could be turning the ladies off. I'm not being unkind, just a thought. I personally am doing some introspection regarding the topic. This is exactly what I'm trying to figure out. I'm trying to reflect and see WHAT it is I've been doing wrong, because there obviously is SOME reason why I have 20+ new female "friends" in the past couple months but not a single date. To the person who suggested breaking off the friendships - that sounds like an interesting thing to try, but I tend to invest a lot in my friendships. In my experience, having as many friends as possible is a GOOD thing, but I just want atleast ONE girl to think of me as more then "that friend who helped me move into my apartment" or that "friend who's always there to lend an ear". And I'm not only going after girls who are 10's in appearence. I go for girls I'm attracted to personality-wise and sexually, ranging from 5's to 10's. Yet I seem to get the same responses all around. I just can't seem to figure out what I'm doing wrong - ladies, or guys who have had this experience in the past, any ideas on what it could be that I'm simply doing wrong?
BlueEyedGirl Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 You are wrong. nobody is too nice. Those girls just never were attracted to you in that way. It doesn't matter how good looking you say you are, spark wasn't there for them. It is very hard to find mutual attraction. Now, they stayed friends because you were nice to them. If you were an "*******", they would just discard you from their lifes alltogether. They certanly wouldn't become attracted to you just because you are an "*******". When you find a girl who is attracted to you too, she will greatly appreciate you treating her well. Think of it this way: you meet a nice girl and she is into you but you just don't feel attracted. That's the way those girls feel about you.
Author Dynamo Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 You are wrong. nobody is too nice. Those girls just never were attracted to you in that way. It doesn't matter how good looking you say you are, spark wasn't there for them. It is very hard to find mutual attraction. Now, they stayed friends because you were nice to them. If you were an "*******", they would just discard you from their lifes alltogether. They certanly wouldn't become attracted to you just because you are an "*******". When you find a girl who is attracted to you too, she will greatly appreciate you treating her well. Think of it this way: you meet a nice girl and she is into you but you just don't feel attracted. That's the way those girls feel about you. I've pretty much been with that mindset all along that I just need to find the "right" girl, but my self-confidence is beggining to wane as my "friend's" address book grows larger and my "date's" address book grows smaller. It just seems impractical to me that so many women are willing to be friends with me yet none even want to go on a date? I don't know. You people have a lot more experience in this field then me so I trust your words. It's just getting harder and harder to meet new people.. And no one likes being alone.
fray718 Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I'm one of those rather attractive girls who is currently quite into a very very nice and sweet guy..at least so far he is. He is not ugly, but rather average and some may even consider him below average in looks (though ofcourse I find him to be cute!). It did take me getting hurt a couple times by cute jerks but alas I came to my senses! I'm 25 btw. I think of all guys I've dated so far he has treated me the best so far without question.
Racquel Colette Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I agree with Fray. I have totally fallen hard for some average Joes. And like her, not to brag, I consider myself physically desirable to men. Do you think you may be overlooking some of the diamonds in the rough, Dynamo?
scratch Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I just don't get it, and I'm honestly about to completely give up on relationships all together. Why don't girls seem to want to be anything more then "just friends" with guys who treat them with respect, honesty and love? Every girl I meet seems to rather be with someone who's mean, vicious, abusive, or has some sort of issue that the majority of the world would consider "negative". I'm not a guy who tells a girl she's beautiful 10 times in a conversation. I make nice actions, I don't just blabber "your pretty, your amazing, I love you" blah blah blah.. I believe actions speak louder then words, so I SHOW kindness rather then just spout it off. I'm just really fed up with the opposite sex in general; I've spent the last four years being nothing but kind, compassionate, courteous, "knight-in-shinning-armor" type of guy to every woman I meet, whether I want a relationship with her or not. Yet I STILL spend the weekends alone or hanging out with friends who are all paired off but me. We are all taught growing up, "treat others how you would like to be treated". I treat everyone I meet with kindness and love, yet they seem to never return the favor. And it's not like I'm not showing interest in these girls, either.. I don't know how many times I've brushed a lock of hair away from a girl's face and told her how beautiful I thought she was. My post is not specifically a response to you. It's more of a general anti-nice guy rant. If you treat a friend the way you outlined here, you're a good friend. In fact, you probably have quite a few friends, because most people would like to have a friend who is always there for them. Hell, everyone would like a friend who puts up with the annoying, self-involved behaviors they exhibit when they're frustrated. Wait, what was that? You only treat one friend like that? And it's a female? And you find her very attractive? And she has a boyfriend? And you don't feel comfortable just letting her know how you feel? Perhaps all that is a coincidence and you really are a nice guy. Or maybe, just maybe, you're affording her in particular that treatment because you want something from her (just because you don't want mere sex, but also her love, doesn't mean you don't want something from her). Reality - you're not a nice guy. You're a cowardly, passive aggressive manipulator. And you don't understand why the object of your manipulations doesn't love you? You want to show her how nice you are? Be nice to your friends. Be nice to people from whom you don't obviously want something. Some women like guys who treat them poorly, some women don't. The only way to guarantee that no woman will like you is to try to make her like you by being "nice". 1
Author Dynamo Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 I agree with Fray. I have totally fallen hard for some average Joes. And like her, not to brag, I consider myself physically desirable to men. Do you think you may be overlooking some of the diamonds in the rough, Dynamo? Hmm, what exactly do you mean by that? Like, not picking up on signals for whatever reason? Or overlooking girls I might not find attractive off the bat but given time they'll grow on me?
sumdude Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 When you first met these women who are now your friends... how did you communicate to them that you were interested in them differently? When I was younger I was just like you, I weas called too nice etc etc.. After experience and heartbreak I've learned that if you're interested in a woman romantically you have to let them know pretty early on. FWIW you have too use some aniumal instinct. But it's a subtle thing. Flirting is a skill, some come by it more naturally and others have to learn it. It's NOT being a buttwipe it's showing that you do have some cojones though. Do you have a buddy who seems to have pretty good luck but is also a decent ghuy? Watch him, ask him. If what you';re doing isn't working and you want different results you have to be willing to look at yourself and change..
allina Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Self proclaimed "nice guys" are not rejected because they are too nice, it's just what they say. Each and every guy in this situation that I have come across was rejected for reasons other than being "too nice" like they claimed. Some were physically unattractive, others were pushy and tried too hard and some just had an awkward personality. I just had this talk with a guy I worked with (he ended up almost yelling at me, yeah that's sure nice) I work with this guy and he was ranting to me about how he hasn't been with a woman in years because he's so nice and women only like jerks. I quickly said this was untrue and a debate started. Then he starts almost yelling about how he's so so nice and how he can't ever get a break and all this poor me sh*t. Truth is the guy is unattractive, unintelligent, difficult to talk to and has the sense of humor of a 12 year old (he's 30) I've noticed this to be true for all men who pull the "I'm too nice" card.
Racquel Colette Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Hmm, what exactly do you mean by that? Like, not picking up on signals for whatever reason? Or overlooking girls I might not find attractive off the bat but given time they'll grow on me? I meant the second one, overlooking girls you might not right off the bat be into (physically, personality, whatever) but given time they might grow on you. Not asking you to lower your standards, though. Just open your mind a bit. If that is what you feel you need.
Racquel Colette Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Self proclaimed "nice guys" are not rejected because they are too nice, it's just what they say. Each and every guy in this situation that I have come across was rejected for reasons other than being "too nice" like they claimed. Some were physically unattractive, others were pushy and tried too hard and some just had an awkward personality. I just had this talk with a guy I worked with (he ended up almost yelling at me, yeah that's sure nice) I work with this guy and he was ranting to me about how he hasn't been with a woman in years because he's so nice and women only like jerks. I quickly said this was untrue and a debate started. Then he starts almost yelling about how he's so so nice and how he can't ever get a break and all this poor me sh*t. Truth is the guy is unattractive, unintelligent, difficult to talk to and has the sense of humor of a 12 year old (he's 30) I've noticed this to be true for all men who pull the "I'm too nice" card. Hmmm, I'm going to give Dynamo the benefit of the doubt here because you pretty much slammed him without giving him a chance.
sumdude Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Self proclaimed "nice guys" are not rejected because they are too nice, it's just what they say. Each and every guy in this situation that I have come across was rejected for reasons other than being "too nice" like they claimed. Some were physically unattractive, others were pushy and tried too hard and some just had an awkward personality. I just had this talk with a guy I worked with (he ended up almost yelling at me, yeah that's sure nice) I work with this guy and he was ranting to me about how he hasn't been with a woman in years because he's so nice and women only like jerks. I quickly said this was untrue and a debate started. Then he starts almost yelling about how he's so so nice and how he can't ever get a break and all this poor me sh*t. Truth is the guy is unattractive, unintelligent, difficult to talk to and has the sense of humor of a 12 year old (he's 30) I've noticed this to be true for all men who pull the "I'm too nice" card. Well, not all... don't generalize... in the past I was even told I was 'too nice'. Some guys just don't know how to approach women. A sense of humor, confidence as well as showing you are a decent man but not a pushover are key.
Author Dynamo Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 My post is not specifically a response to you. It's more of a general anti-nice guy rant. If you treat a friend the way you outlined here, you're a good friend. In fact, you probably have quite a few friends, because most people would like to have a friend who is always there for them. Hell, everyone would like a friend who puts up with the annoying, self-involved behaviors they exhibit when they're frustrated. Wait, what was that? You only treat one friend like that? And it's a female? And you find her very attractive? And she has a boyfriend? And you don't feel comfortable just letting her know how you feel? Perhaps all that is a coincidence and you really are a nice guy. Or maybe, just maybe, you're affording her in particular that treatment because you want something from her (just because you don't want mere sex, but also her love, doesn't mean you don't want something from her). Reality - you're not a nice guy. You're a cowardly, passive aggressive manipulator. And you don't understand why the object of your manipulations doesn't love you? You want to show her how nice you are? Be nice to your friends. Be nice to people from whom you don't obviously want something. Some women like guys who treat them poorly, some women don't. The only way to guarantee that no woman will like you is to try to make her like you by being "nice". While I certainly feel strongly that you made some excellent points, Scratch, I feel it doesn't specifically apply to me.. In the post of mine you quoted I said I'm nice to everyone I meet, weither I want a relationship with them or not. It's just who I am - it goes back to an abusive childhood which I've overcome with the help of a lot of therapy, but the end result has been me just generally being a nice person to everyone. I know this all sounds like I'm bragging or something of that sort but I'm just trying to be as honest as I can.. I get sort of emotionally involved with everyone I meet, and I always end up putting others before myself. It's just who I am and I don't think that'll ever really change. You did make some good points though that I will certainly take into consideration anyways, thank you for the post. @sumdude: Thanks for the post. I am more then willing to change, if I can just pinpoint what I'm doing wrong . Perhaps my flirting techniques are off? I usually don't really show a girl I'm interested right off the bat, but after I spend some time with them I always seem to end up telling them how beautiful they are. I also tend to hold eye contact until they break away from it (not staring/glaring, though!). I don't know, it's sort of subtle things - perhaps they aren't picking up on them?
allina Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Hmmm, I'm going to give Dynamo the benefit of the doubt here because you pretty much slammed him without giving him a chance. I was specific in saying that this was based on MY personal experience. I think it's important to consider. Well, not all... don't generalize... in the past I was even told I was 'too nice'. Some guys just don't know how to approach women. A sense of humor, confidence as well as showing you are a decent man but not a pushover are key. Pushover is different than nice. It's also easy to tell a guy that he's "too nice" because it's more PC than some other reasons. Like I said in my post and above, this is based on my personal experience.
Author Dynamo Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 Self proclaimed "nice guys" are not rejected because they are too nice, it's just what they say. Each and every guy in this situation that I have come across was rejected for reasons other than being "too nice" like they claimed. Some were physically unattractive, others were pushy and tried too hard and some just had an awkward personality. I just had this talk with a guy I worked with (he ended up almost yelling at me, yeah that's sure nice) I work with this guy and he was ranting to me about how he hasn't been with a woman in years because he's so nice and women only like jerks. I quickly said this was untrue and a debate started. Then he starts almost yelling about how he's so so nice and how he can't ever get a break and all this poor me sh*t. Truth is the guy is unattractive, unintelligent, difficult to talk to and has the sense of humor of a 12 year old (he's 30) I've noticed this to be true for all men who pull the "I'm too nice" card. Hi Allina, thanks for the post. I don't know. I can certainly understand that a lot of guys seem to use the "nice guy" card as an excuse, such as the guy you described - if he was yelling at you, he's obviously not that nice of a guy.. I personally don't believe I use the "nice guy" card as a cover up, but I suppose it's not really my position to say (they say that people can judge others perfectly but when it comes to judging oneself, they fail). I do know this, though; I've been told I'm attractive (I personally believe I am atleast average to above average, not trying to sound cocky but hey ). I graduated third in my class so I consider myself atleast decently intelligent, and as for humor.. I believe thats all personal opinion but I think I'm a funny guy. Maybe not knee-slapper funny, but sort of quirky-funny. Still though I believe you made valid points, thanks!
sumdude Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I think one post was somewhat on... from what you wrote about your past. I know it too. There's a certain kind of approval seeking that can be percieved as "I'm being nice to you only because I want something from you." Try treating your women friends the same way you treat a buddy, joke with them, the same way, even if you just cut on them a little.
phyrespryte Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I get sort of emotionally involved with everyone I meet, and I always end up putting others before myself. That sounds like your problem right there. I think when it comes to relationships, it's good to step back a little. It's easy to drop everything for a friend and always be there for them. But that's not exactly the stuff that inspires passionate lusty feelings. It's more like warm fuzzy...like how a puppy loves unconditionally. Not saying you should be a jerk, just don't be a pushover.
allina Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Hi Allina, thanks for the post. I don't know. I can certainly understand that a lot of guys seem to use the "nice guy" card as an excuse, such as the guy you described - if he was yelling at you, he's obviously not that nice of a guy.. I personally don't believe I use the "nice guy" card as a cover up, but I suppose it's not really my position to say (they say that people can judge others perfectly but when it comes to judging oneself, they fail). I do know this, though; I've been told I'm attractive (I personally believe I am atleast average to above average, not trying to sound cocky but hey ). I graduated third in my class so I consider myself atleast decently intelligent, and as for humor.. I believe thats all personal opinion but I think I'm a funny guy. Maybe not knee-slapper funny, but sort of quirky-funny. Still though I believe you made valid points, thanks! Well you sound like a catch Are you comfortable in your skin? Are you secure? Can you present yourself well to women? These things often get lumped in with "too nice" I wasn't trying to say that you're some sort of reject, I don't think you are. It's just that often being too nice isn't the core reason for romantic difficulty.
fray718 Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Well, not all... don't generalize... in the past I was even told I was 'too nice'. Some guys just don't know how to approach women. A sense of humor, confidence as well as showing you are a decent man but not a pushover are key. Hmm, what exactly do you mean by that? Like, not picking up on signals for whatever reason? Or overlooking girls I might not find attractive off the bat but given time they'll grow on me? Hm...ok here goes. I've dealt with two types of 'nice' guys. One is the type who is pessimistic and bitter and think that if a girl doesnt like him then they are just into jerks (don't take this personally). Then there is the other type...they give people the benefit of the doubt and are considerate...and if they get rejected, they just figure that that the girl is not the one for them. It's not about being mean or nice, it's about attitude and other things. This is just my thought. I'm working on improving my own attitude as well and it definitley takes work. It's not easy but I believe it can be done.
Author Dynamo Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 I meant the second one, overlooking girls you might not right off the bat be into (physically, personality, whatever) but given time they might grow on you. Not asking you to lower your standards, though. Just open your mind a bit. If that is what you feel you need. Racquel, maybe you are right. I do tend to overlook people I don't initially feel attracted to. Often times I've found that when I'm with someone I'm not attracted to initially for whatever reason (a camping trip I spent with a group of 15 people this past summer comes to mind), they have grown on me. Maybe I will look more into that, thank you! It'll be a bit difficult since everyone naturally wants to go for the women/men that they find attractive, but it's worth a shot. The trick is finding which ones will possibly grow on me and which ones I just am not compatible with
Recommended Posts