separated in the same house; would wife come around

[BestAdvisor1]

I agree 100% with you. I may tell her, when she asks me if somebody was with me: 'I am moving on', or 'I am not a loser', meaning I do not go by myself, or whatever I invent.

If you have some really cool suggestion, let me know. I am pretty inventive, so I will nail her with an answer that will make her think.

 

First, I am glad that you called to say good-bye to your inlaws; it shows that you're the good guy who's respectful not only to her, but to her parents as well.

 

She said something very hurtfull to you earlier, why don't you instead of answer her questions, just ask her a question nicely: "If whether you're pregnant or not is none of my business, why should my whereabouts be your business?"

[redblack66]

First, I am glad that you called to say good-bye to your inlaws; it shows that you're the good guy who's respectful not only to her, but to her parents as well.

 

She said something very hurtfull to you earlier, why don't you instead of answer her questions, just ask her a question nicely: "If whether you're pregnant or not is none of my business, why should my whereabouts be your business?"

 

Very good suggestion. I can add 'Talking about pregnancy is a very serious issue, and one should never joke about it or be mean about it.' Then I can add you sentence...

[bestadvisor]

I am sure I surprised the hell out of everybody.

 

Because of your thoughtfullness? Sometimes, you make me wonder how bad you were in the past.

[redblack66]

Because of your thoughtfullness? Sometimes, you make me wonder how bad you were in the past.

 

I am a good guy (everybody knows it), that's why I am in this mess. Very simple.

[bestadvisor]

I am a good guy (everybody knows it), that's why I am in this mess. Very simple.

 

Why were they surprised?

 

I don't mean that you're the bad guy, what I meant was, I wonder how bad you were in terms of meeting her emotional needs by being emotionally available and do little nice things like calling to wish her or her parents a good trip, etc.

[redblack66]

My thread may not be that interesting for a while, but I will be posting. Hope others will learn from it. I am really interested in the psychology that is going on in situations like mine, and such situations have a lot in common.

 

When all is over, I will write a short essay based on my experience, and I am *sure* it will be valuable.

 

Today, I arrived after going away on Thursday. My wife called me three times today: first to tell me they were going for a Christmas tree, then to tell me to be careful driving (there is a big snow storm), and then to tell me not to hurry to get home in these bad conditions and to be careful. (I did not pick up the second time, just listened to the message.) She was quite pleasant on the phone.

 

So, at home I did not volunteer any information, she only asked if I went skiing, and I said 'kind of'; overall she looked spaced out. So I just put the kids to sleep and she went out for a walk in the snow.

 

Interestingly enough, she did not bring up the issue that I was going away and not helping her when she had to work on Saturday. I will not allow any discussions about our relation for a while, if not forever. I am just not interested anymore, as strange as it sounds.

[stillafool]

Good you didn't tell her anything. I bet she thought you went out to use your cell phone when you took your walk in the snow. Keep being in a good mood and indifferent to her. She will come around. Trust me she doesn't want to lose you because she know how hard it is to get another h when you are a woman with kids.

[redblack66]

Good you didn't tell her anything. I bet she thought you went out to use your cell phone when you took your walk in the snow. Keep being in a good mood and indifferent to her. She will come around. Trust me she doesn't want to lose you because she know how hard it is to get another h when you are a woman with kids.

 

Honestly, think I am CRAZY after I went through all this, but I do not want her to come around. She has to

(1) recognize her issues

(2) be willing to work on them

(3) be willing to take responsibility and start doing something with her life

 

I have enough reasons to believe after observing her for 7 years, and especially the last 6 months, that none of 1 to 3 will happen.

 

She can make, say $200-$400 hour and more with a few more years of experience (I am not joking and making myself feel good about the person I married) if she gets her act together. But she *does not like* her profession, so she started 8 hours a week in a knitting store for $10/hour. Guess what: I do not always like what I do; sometimes I hate it and I want to go back to school and do a degree in philosophy or movie making. I am serious: one of my long term dreams is to become a film director.

But guess what: I have to SUPPORT 3 kids, wife, and myself, so I can't just say I do not like what I do; and I have nowhere to run to if I screw up.

 

My father worked for 30 years underground in a mine. He had to go down 1,500 feet deep in an elevator every day and walk miles a day underground. Every time there was an accident my brother and I would wonder very scared if our father would come home, and often he did not come for days and we did not have a clue if he was not under some rock. He had to support a family, and there were not other options.

 

I am sick and tired being the sole provider and giver in this family, and every time there is a major holiday she runs to mommy and daddy with the kids and I am celebrating alone in our house where our family belongs to. On top of everything, she pays for airplane ticket (~$2000 a trip) with money that could be put into the family, and she feels this is her money (from some farm income, which I do not even know what it is).

 

Now, after I feel I have allowed enough disrespect, I have put enough into this relation with no return, and I am treating my wife with respect, but essentially she is nobody in my life, and she believes I have another woman waiting for me, I feel she will come around.

[redblack66]

I bet she thought you went out to use your cell

 

Actually, I go frequently outside to talk on my cell phone. One reason is the reception is not good in my house; another is I do not want her to know my business. So, she has a lot of material to guess...

[redblack66]

My wife calls me at work to come home early and go for a Christmas tree. We did, but she had her usual unacceptable nagging and control behavior, and I finally said that if she wants to do business with me I am the boss.

 

Tonight I had a drink and she was terribly worried that I am not taking my anti-depressants (ADs). I told her that I have been very happy recently, and that I am in control of my life and she has no control over it.

 

Then she is telling me that if I do not take my ADs, I have to move out of the house and I must have supervised access to my kids. I refuse to be in the same room with her, and she is over the edge.

 

She is going to call her lawyer and my doctor to figure out if I should be taking my ADs and why not.

She is losing it, and I am little worried she is becoming very irrational. My lawyer told me not to pay attention to any of what she says and to stay away from her.

 

I insisted they stay here for the holidays, but now I told my lawyer that if she wants to go with the kids, she is free to do so. I am worried she can become quite bizarre, which is no good for anybody,

let alone kids.

[bestadvisor]

Redblack, did something happened with you and this female friend?

 

Since you're getting alone well with her parents, why not go with them to her parents' place for the holidays. Look at it as spending time with your kids and their grandparents.

[bestadvisor]

Redblack, did something happened with you and this female friend?

 

 

I noticed that you ignored my question above. I hope it's just because the answer is an obvious "No," rather than some complicated answer.

[redblack66]

Redblack, did something happened with you and this female friend?

 

Since you're getting alone well with her parents, why not go with them to her parents' place for the holidays. Look at it as spending time with your kids and their grandparents.

 

Nothing happened. Going to her parents place is out of question, as she does not want me to.

It seems unhealthy for the kids if she and I are together in the same physical space.

 

I am nice, logical, and respectful, but she has a problem seeing me happy. I think I am dealing with a control-freak behavior. My explanation is that she is losing control over me and my life, and she is getting in a nasty mode.

Last night she threatened me with going for supervised access for the kids, and this is when my son keeps telling me that I am the best daddy in the world.

It is a tough situation, and it is difficult to live day by day. I made breakfast and lunch for my son this morning, and she was pleasant.

 

I guess I get respect when I am really firm, but not nasty.

[bestadvisor]

Has your W asked you about your trip since you got back? I think it's somewhat unreasonable for her to take the kids 2000 miles away for the ENTIRE holiday season while leaving you alone at home. Would she be okay with it if you did that to her?

[redblack66]

Has your W asked you about your trip since you got back? I think it's somewhat unreasonable for her to take the kids 2000 miles away for the ENTIRE holiday season while leaving you alone at home. Would she be okay with it if you did that to her?

 

She has not asked me anything.

 

No, it is unreasonable and unacceptable. However, I am really worried she is becoming very irrational, and there is no use of having two parents that are miserable. I can try to be OK, as much as it is possible for a human to be strong in such circumstances, but her behavior yesterday really raised many red flags.

She would not go anywhere without the kids.

[Missy27]

I am nice, logical, and respectful, but she has a problem seeing me happy. I think I am dealing with a control-freak behavior. My explanation is that she is losing control over me and my life, and she is getting in a nasty mode.

 

EXACTLY ~

 

She lost her right to any control over you when she started up an innappropriate relationship with another man. She expected you to play right into her hands ~ and for a little while you did ~ but you are more emotionally intelligent than her and you've realised and accepted your part in the demise of your marriage. You've adapted to your situation and made changes to yourself, which she cannot understand. She thought you would shoot yourself in the foot when she dropped the "separation" thing on you ~ but it's actually gone 180 and it's backfired on her. SHE'S the one that would have to make the changes in order to win YOU back now ~

 

I still think you should go ahead with the divorce ~ The fact of the matter is that you're running around in circles with her ~ she's made no substantial effort in trying to re-build your marriage and she's not actually giving you a clear indication that she wants to make a go at reconciling with you. It seems to me as though she's teetering with the idea ~ but cant quite seem to accrue the maturity to admit where she went wrong and make the relevant changes in order to reconnect with the new and improved RB ! ~ You've taken all the cards back RB ~ it's now up to you as to how wisely you play your hand ~

 

It might be that your wife needs to temporarily "lose" you in order to realise just what she would be missing if you were gone forever ??

 

Only thing I would say is ~ if you do decide to make your next move serving her with divorce papers ~ just be prepared for her to comply ~~

[bestadvisor]

She has not asked me anything.

 

her behavior yesterday really raised many red flags.

She would not go anywhere without the kids

 

Don't you think that's odd that she didn't ask you anything? Let's be honest now, how bad is your depression? Is there a reason for her to be worried that you're not taking your meds?

 

Could it be possible that she's convinced that you're not only in a full blown affair, but also a relationship and that she has this irrational thought of you taking the kids away from her against her will.

 

What do those red flags indicate to you?

[redblack66]

EXACTLY ~

 

She lost her right to any control over you when she started up an innappropriate relationship with another man. She expected you to play right into her hands ~ and for a little while you did ~ but you are more emotionally intelligent than her and you've realised and accepted your part in the demise of your marriage. You've adapted to your situation and made changes to yourself, which she cannot understand. She thought you would shoot yourself in the foot when she dropped the "separation" thing on you ~ but it's actually gone 180 and it's backfired on her. SHE'S the one that would have to make the changes in order to win YOU back now ~

 

I still think you should go ahead with the divorce ~ The fact of the matter is that you're running around in circles with her ~ she's made no substantial effort in trying to re-build your marriage and she's not actually giving you a clear indication that she wants to make a go at reconciling with you. It seems to me as though she's teetering with the idea ~ but cant quite seem to accrue the maturity to admit where she went wrong and make the relevant changes in order to reconnect with the new and improved RB ! ~ You've taken all the cards back RB ~ it's now up to you as to how wisely you play your hand ~

 

It might be that your wife needs to temporarily "lose" you in order to realise just what she would be missing if you were gone forever ??

 

Only thing I would say is ~ if you do decide to make your next move serving her with divorce papers ~ just be prepared for her to comply ~~

 

I will go for the divorce. I am more concerned that she may not comply and make it difficult. I am not worried if she accepts it.

 

Yes, I will play my cards well. The important thing is that I have calmed down emotionally, although it has been very difficult.

 

I have been also studying books, LS, and who knows what else. I also walk and drive with an MP3 player with several audio books on it.

I have been talking to many people and getting all kinds of perspectives. Consider me nuts, but I am now studying the topics of unconscious and guilt in psychoanalysis.

 

Well, I have to go back to my real job pretty soon (I have a lot of flexibility in my work.)

 

Tonight I am bringing a sled for the kids, and this will be a nice surprise.

I am going out with them, they will be happy, and she will be thinking 'what in the world is going on...'

[redblack66]

Don't you think that's odd that she didn't ask you anything? Let's be honest now, how bad is your depression? Is there a reason for her to be worried that you're not taking your meds?

Does not matter if she asks or not. My depression is just fine at the moment. I am functioning very well.

 

Could it be possible that she's convinced that you're not only in a full blown affair, but also a relationship and that she has this irrational thought of you taking the kids away from her against her will.

I cannot take the kids as this is kidnapping, mildly speaking.

 

What do those red flags indicate to you?

 

That she is losing it...

[Kenyth]

Don't you think that's odd that she didn't ask you anything? Let's be honest now, how bad is your depression? Is there a reason for her to be worried that you're not taking your meds?

 

Could it be possible that she's convinced that you're not only in a full blown affair, but also a relationship and that she has this irrational thought of you taking the kids away from her against her will.

 

What do those red flags indicate to you?

 

Why is that irrational? That's the worst cost of divorce. Somebody gets custody, and someone doesn't. Somebody has to lose. Women still have the upper hand in this most of the time, but the sexism in custody battles is starting to change. If one parent cannot obviously support children, the other has a good chance of getting them, regardless of gender.

[redblack66]

Why is that irrational? That's the worst cost of divorce. Somebody gets custody, and someone doesn't. Somebody has to lose. Women still have the upper hand in this most of the time, but the sexism in custody battles is starting to change. If one parent cannot obviously support children, the other has a good chance of getting them, regardless of gender.

 

I understand what you are saying, and I agree with you.

 

In my case, as of today, I have no chance even for shared parenting, as my daughter (2 and a half) is breastfeeding and no judge will say "you should stop breastfeeding because..."

I am the one that can support them; she is the one that has stayed all the time with them, although I have insisted many times that she goes back to work and we arrange for daycare.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hello R&B!

 

Your still here? Good lord! lol.

 

I see your soon to be ex isnt cutting you any slack.

 

Why dont you just end things? How hard can they be.

 

Few questions I need to ask?

 

Is the OM from austrailia still interested in her?

Are you dating?

Are you seperated?

Have you went over divorce issues, splitting the bills, house, etc?

 

How are you holding up?

[redblack66]

Hello R&B!

 

Your still here? Good lord! lol.

Yes, and posting intensively.

 

I see your soon to be ex isnt cutting you any slack.

 

Why dont you just end things? How hard can they be.

 

I am ending it all.

 

Few questions I need to ask?

 

Is the OM from austrailia still interested in her?

 

I have no idea and I don't care.

 

Are you dating?

 

Not yet, but would be nice to do this. I see quite a few people though.

 

Are you seperated?

 

Yes. I am at the point of really trying to minimize communication with her, just to keep my sanity.

 

Have you went over divorce issues, splitting the bills, house, etc?

 

Doing it right now.

 

How are you holding up?

 

 

Up and down, but more or less going up in general, I like to believe.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wow, you sound more upbeat,

 

More confident.

 

I think she wants you back.

 

I think she wants to prove that your actively cheating now. She wants to feel justified.

 

I think this divorce could be the best thing that ever happened to you. Either way you'll be better than ever.

[redblack66]

Wow, you sound more upbeat,

 

More confident.

 

First, thank you so much. I was getting into a down mood and now I feel better after your posting.

 

 

I think she wants you back.

Do you really feel so? I don't give a f'k if she wants me back. She better figure herself out first.

 

Today she crossed a line I will not forgive. She called my doctor to express her concern that I have not been taking my AD pills. She does not realize yet that she is nobody to interfere with my life.

Then I called my lawyer, and she will tell her lawyer to tell her to stay away from my life. I refuse to discuss anything with my wife that is different from separation issues and kids.

 

 

I think she wants to prove that your actively cheating now. She wants to feel justified.

It does not matter anymore. I was just outside the house on my cell

for more than an hour with one of my female friends. Wife did not ask, for the first time, who I was talking to. Maybe she was feeling relieved that I am finally "cheating."

 

I think this divorce could be the best thing that ever happened to you. Either way you'll be better than ever.

I think so too. I am little concerned that she may realize what she is losing and make the divorce difficult.

 

Live is strange? I do not lack confidence, just went through a panic mode.