wife's weight

[uniqueone]

I started the conversation by asking if she was happy with things and she said yes (including with our marriage) and that she agrees we have not been having much sex but that does not bother her and she rarely even things about it. I think that is the truth (she really is pretty happy and she does not think much about sex) so I told her I would try to initiate things more often. She did not say NO but also did not seem too excited about this (never have any time... too tired).

 

Ok...right here....don't you see a problem? The woman doesn't miss sex with you. And you think that her losing weight is going to change that? Wrrroooonnng.....

 

Very frustrating that my attraction is at an all time low and on top of that I get nothing without me chasing her. The sex thing is definitely a problem for me but at the moment I put higher priority on the weight issue (read on).

 

 

Do you see the part that I bolded? "I get nothing".....ME...ME...ME.....

 

To be honest, it sounds like a little kid. How about what you get out of your wife BESIDES sex? Is that "nothing"?

 

Speaking of being tired and no time, I asked if there was any reason she stopped going to her gym, and we could save $$$/mo if she cancels her membership. I enthusiastically told her I will watch the kids anytime she wants to goto gym. She said she does plan to go this week. I hope she does, but if not by next weekend I will bring it up again (my pitch being we should not throw away good money if she does not use her membership). She seems to still hold onto the idea of exercise so if I just bring it up with her a few times maybe she will submit and go - then the good feelings of exercise might keep her going.

 

On the snacking topic, she had already agreed that we would get rid of the halloween candy (which I did, and gave away a couple girlscout cookie boxes while I was at it) so this morning she asked what we need at the store I told her about a low fat microwave popcorn that would make a healthy snack and so she bought some.

 

Overall I am ok at how this all went, I was not mean and she did not seem to get mad, but she also has been known to bring stuff up in a later conversation. I do wonder if she will follow through on anything, but she did buy the popcorn and I will try the soft sell for a while instead of making hard demands.

 

You'll "try the soft sell for awhile before you make the hard demands"......your "pitch"......what is this? A used car lot?

 

This sounds pretty manipulative to me. Shouldn't this be the part where Lucy and Ethyl do something sneaky and funny???

 

On the topic of who's problem is this I accept that the problem (her weight gain) does seem to be mostly affecting me. I still deny all responsibility in causing this, but I am willing to help work on a solution if that is possible.

 

Now here you're trying to act like you're accepting part of it as your own, but it's misleading. What you're accepting here is that it's affecting you. That's not actually accepting anything.

 

Then you back that up by saying that you deny all responsibility in causing it. (such a strong, solid conviction such as this, is what surely will do you in)

 

Then you say you're willing to help work on a solution. Throwing away Halloween candy and Girl Scout cookies isn't exactly working on a solution. Neither is guilting her into using her gym membership.

 

Sorry...not buying it.

[Racquel Colette]

Wow. Way to focus on the positive in his post.

 

T2BS, I'm happy for you AND your wife. It's no fun not feeling good; not feeling "on top of your game," so to speak. If she gets involved in working out, or a fun aerobic sport like other suggested, she'll feel better every day, and you two will be able to reconnect in sharing your newfound sport.

 

 

Sorry, I can't see the positive. He has a wife who doesn't want to sleep with him, and he is a man who is unattracted to a woman at a pretty good weight for her height, especially considering her age. I have a feeling she looks great, he is just being stubborn. She might not EVER lose weight and be 145 forever, what will he do about that? He will have to learn to accept her as the beautiful woman she is and love her for actually being her and realize that you can be beautiful and not be a size 6, give me a break.

Try2Be, what if she says "I'm pretty happy at this weight, I'm going to stay that way. That way I don't have to feel hungry all the time. I like how I look at this weight."

If she is happy and accepting of herself as the person she is, she likes herself as she is....what will you do then? I know that it is probably very daunting to you to have a wife who is confident with herself and actually likes herself.

I have a sister who has been married 12 years, and she has been up and down from a size 4 to a size 12, right now at a fit size 8. Her husband has always loved her and showed her this. He has never been disappointed in her weight because...he loves her! Their love is stronger than ever. People don't get that love is not contingent on dress size and I feel sorry for people who don't understand that kind of love.

[HappyHappy]

Im in a similar boat myself with my fiance and his ever expanding body. I wish I had something brilliant to offer but I dont. I can tell you what I've tried. None of which have worked so far. Ive tried talking gently about the problem. No result and he gets pretty defensive. I suggest better eating. No result and excuses like how he's not going to starve or deprive himself. Ive offered that WE excercise together. More excuses....like the state of the art tred mill hasnt arrived yet. God for bid we go walking. He is very very very busy and travels ALL the time. I understand eating really well is difficult under these circumstances, but does it always have to be a cheesburger with fries, instead of a chicken sandwich and fruit? He does try to eat healthier sometimes, but late nite hes always grabbing the icecream sandwhich, bag of M&M's etc. Its really bugging me and Im at wits end. I know this didnt help...I guess I was trying to let you know what type of responses to expect if you do try talking to her. I dont bring it up too often but I can say this: each time I do bring it up he does seem to get a bit more conscience about it and start the little bit healthier eating routine....its doesnt last long, but I guess something is better than nothing.

 

Maybe you should talk to her on occasion and just see if there is any difference in her habits...maybe you'll guilt her away from the late night junk.

 

I know this perhaps all sounds terrible and shallow and bla, bla, bla, but come on people. How can you just let your self go (medical reasons aside of course) and not expect it to have an impact on your relationship?

 

I wish you luck because this is a difficult nut to crack...but try talking to her. If nothing else, you would have put it on her mind that it is on your mind.

[OpenBook]

People don't get that love is not contingent on dress size and I feel sorry for people who don't understand that kind of love.

 

Keeping a man's love is most certainly contingent on dress size...

 

So my options are to -

1. Divorce her. She will immediately drop 25 pounds, guys will swarm all over her, and 5 years into their relationship she will start filling their grocery cart with BonBons ... cycle repeats

2. Sit back and watch her further abandon our husband/wife relationship while she silently drifts off doing her thing - which she really does seem to enjoy being a fulltime mother. The problem there is I am left... unsatisfied ... and my fidelity to her would not last very long

3. Confront her directly with the entire situation - distance between us and her behavior changes (weight gain) that turn me away.

[Try2BeSupportive]

Try2Be, what if she says "I'm pretty happy at this weight, I'm going to stay that way. That way I don't have to feel hungry all the time. I like how I look at this weight."

If she is happy and accepting of herself as the person she is, she likes herself as she is....what will you do then? I know that it is probably very daunting to you to have a wife who is confident with herself and actually likes herself.

 

We are at a crossroads in our marriage. She has distanced herself from me, and at times I get the distinct non-verbal message that chocolate is more important to her than me. Our sexlife is at an alltime low. Some earlier posts by women make me believe that she has mentally stopped putting effort into her physical appearance, meaning I am no longer worth her previous effort - her mind is now on other things. Meanwhile I continue working on myself, supporting our family, and the infinite task of keeping her happy.

 

Sorry if this offends anybody but I AM WORTH THE EFFORT. And she is worth MY effort. Although we have reached a place of peaceful equilibrium (no fighting, all signs appear to be successful marriage) that is only because she is happy with everything - she get's to lounge around, eat snacks, and the whole sex thing was not that important to her anyway.

 

And you suggest I "just accept her as she is". I am surrounded by passionless marriages where the guy is openly bitter towards his wife and the wife (who has gained 50 pounds) seems happy to just focus on the kids and would rather forget all about "that angry guy" who lives in her house (and who pays a big chunk of the mortgage). Well there is a perfect example of just accept him/her as they are .... that does not appeal to me in the least.

 

We are at the edge of a slippery slope to longterm passionless marriage, and I will not go down without a fight. This gets fixed now, one way or the other and there are many positives that keep me focused. And I am reading alot of familiar stories in the marriage forums here. I am taking responsibility for my own happiness, and (call me shallow) but I am unhappy being with someone who believes I am not worth her effort. My job now is restoring myself to being worth her effort, otherwise I guess our marriage is over.

 

Acceptance (status quo)? No thanks!!

 

Keeping a man's love is most certainly contingent on dress size...

 

Not dress size, but effort. I am worth effort to sustain the physical aspects of our marriage. Nightly snacks, an unused gym membership, and telling me she never things about sex.. not much effort going on there. If she were going to the gym regularly, eating as before, and making love on a regular basis, then I would not be posting on here (even at her current size 12).

[OpenBook]

Not dress size, but effort. I am worth effort to sustain the physical aspects of our marriage. Nightly snacks, an unused gym membership, and telling me she never things about sex.. not much effort going on there. If she were going to the gym regularly, eating as before, and making love on a regular basis, then I would not be posting on here (even at her current size 12).

 

And it's not enough of an EFFORT for you that she bears and raises your children, keeps up the house, cooks dinner for you, and the myriad of other household tasks she does to keep your life running smoothly so you don't have to worry about it?? Do you appreciate what she DOES do for you??

 

This is precisely the reason why I fear marriage. If I don't live my life EXACTLY the way my H thinks I should, he'll either divorce me or cheat.

 

Thanks, but no thanks. I feel sorry for both of you. Good luck.

[Woggle]

This is actually one situation where I have to somewhat take the woman's side. If she can't have a simple snack without you getting mad at her it will kill the intimacy. From what you describe she is not that overweight and if you layed off her she fight feel better about herself and more motivated to keep herself healthy.

[Alexandra]

This is precisely the reason why I fear marriage. If I don't live my life EXACTLY the way my H thinks I should, he'll either divorce me or cheat.

 

As I'm sure you're well aware, while that's a possibility it's surely not the definition of marriage. With no intention of bashing, I don't think anybody, T2BS included, can argue his is a good one.

 

People will have expectations of each other when entering a couples situation, it's only natural and if those are realistically evaluated and re-evaluated at regular intervals as well as disclosed and negotiated in open communication, it's a receipt for success. Anything other may cause problems such as this one.

[OpenBook]

As I'm sure you're well aware, while that's a possibility it's surely not the definition of marriage. With no intention of bashing, I don't think anybody, T2BS included, can argue his is a good one.

 

If his marriage is so good, then why is he on here posting about how unhappy he is about his "wife's weight" (the name of this thread) and contemplating his 3 choices -- confrontation, cheating, or divorce??

 

People will have expectations of each other when entering a couples situation, it's only natural and if those are realistically evaluated and re-evaluated at regular intervals as well as disclosed and negotiated in open communication, it's a receipt for success. Anything other may cause problems such as this one.

 

When people get married, they sign up to Love, Honor and Cherish each other through thick and thin, no matter what happens. Not "until she no longer maintains her pre-marital weight and fitness level." If she knew that stipulation before they got married, she would have run screaming from the altar. I know I would've.

[bish]

Not dress size, but effort. I am worth effort to sustain the physical aspects of our marriage. Nightly snacks, an unused gym membership, and telling me she never things about sex.. not much effort going on there. If she were going to the gym regularly, eating as before, and making love on a regular basis, then I would not be posting on here (even at her current size 12).

 

Bullshiit and onions. Its all about the effort? Ya right. If she busted her ass and still couldn't lose weight, you'd still not be attracted to her.

 

You have already told this forum that you are not attracted to her because of the pounds she has put on. And yes, I've heard it before..if she puts through the effort, she will see results.

 

Well at that age and after having kids...it takes a little more than just effort to lose weight and look good. It pretty much takes obsession with losing weight. I know. After putting on pounds after college, I started eating smarter and working out. But not like I should...and I still gained weight....so I had to bust my ass every day and cut my food intake to that of a bird.

 

Yes, I now have the flat stomach and am fairly cut...but I have to bust my ass to get that every day. So its gonna take more than a little effort here...and don't try to kid us that EFFORT is all you ask. Because if she puts in the effort and doesn't lose weight...then you'll still have a limp pecker.

 

And WHY are YOU worth the effort? Is it because you are able to stay physically fit? puuuhhhlease...

[norajane]

We are at a crossroads in our marriage. She has distanced herself from me, and at times I get the distinct non-verbal message that chocolate is more important to her than me. Our sexlife is at an alltime low. Some earlier posts by women make me believe that she has mentally stopped putting effort into her physical appearance, meaning I am no longer worth her previous effort - her mind is now on other things. Meanwhile I continue working on myself, supporting our family, and the infinite task of keeping her happy.

 

Sorry if this offends anybody but I AM WORTH THE EFFORT. And she is worth MY effort. Although we have reached a place of peaceful equilibrium (no fighting, all signs appear to be successful marriage) that is only because she is happy with everything - she get's to lounge around, eat snacks, and the whole sex thing was not that important to her anyway.

 

Are you finally ready, then, to accept that her weight is not the problem in your marriage, but it is a sign of the problems you have in your marriage? Just like not having sex is a sign of the problems you have in your marriage? Do you see that even if she lost the weight and kept it off, she still wouldn't want sex, you'd still have a passionless marriage.

 

If she used to like sex, like when you married her, and she doesn't now, there's something behind that. Just like her weight gain is behind your lack of attraction for her, there is a reason for her not wanting sex anymore.

 

Are you able to tell her that you are not happy? That's the next step. You gave her an opportunity to discuss your marriage and her feelings about it. Now it's your turn to tell her your feelings, and clearly, you have some feelings and a lot of resentments!

 

Are you considering a marriage counselor? I would recommend it, because you two have to do the hard work and try to fix what's wrong between you.

[JamesM]

Am I the only one who thinks this is not all about weight? Granted, I have not taken time to read every post, but T2BS seems to only have issues with her weight, because he feels that she does not care about HIM.

 

Now the sticky part....if you (T2BS) are attempting to fix your marriage by focusing on her weight, then your marriage is doomed. You must focus on your love for her DESPITE her weight. Yes, I know your feelings, I have been there. My wife also has put on an extra 20 or 30 pounds, since her best weight premarital. her weight has fluctuated up and down (babies had a lot to do with it...she put on 60# with our first child). She now is back at the gym again. Has her love for me changed with her weight? No. Has her interest in sex improved because she is back at the gym? No, we still have a low sex life marriage. Will it get better if she loses a lot of weight? Maybe, but I am not holding my breath.

 

The lack of sex and passion for me has nothing to do with weight. It is either linked to her emotions inside her, her past, her job, her children, or her emotional feelings for me. And in your case, I am guessing that there are many other issues that you either know about and haven't said, or don't know about and she hasn't said.

 

You have a lot of anger for her, and you have directed it at her weight as if this is the only issue in your marriage. How often do the two of you spend time talking together? How many dates (lunch or evening) do you have in a week? Do you ever look forward to spending time with her? Do you ever kiss and hug her with no intention of having sex?

 

Or do you simply look at her with disgust because she has let herself go?

[norajane]

Am I the only one who thinks this is not all about weight? Granted, I have not taken time to read every post, but T2BS seems to only have issues with her weight, because he feels that she does not care about HIM.

 

At least read the post above yours and you'll see you are not the only one...great minds think alike

[JamesM]

At least read the post above yours and you'll see you are not the only one...great minds think alike

 

You are right. I did not read well. I now have taken the time to go back to a few more pages and see that similar thoughts have been brought up but ignored.

 

T2BS, do NOT accept her as she is....LOVE her as she is. Do not try to control her.

 

I know that you may go past these comments because there is no help for your weight issue with her. I truly do understand how you feel. While I have not kept my weight as consistently as yours, I too work out and do try to keep my weight low. I am 6 ft and have a 32/33" waist. I am about 175 to 180#. But I was as high as 200 once. My wife's love has never been contingent on my weight yet she did tell me that I needed to lose some for my health. But while I was heavier and was not working out, I was not open to her suggestions that I change. It took an internal change for me to change. It was for me the fact that physically I was feeling lousy. If my wife had said that she would no longer have sex with me until I lost weight, then I would not only have been angry but I would have considered finding someone who loved me for more than just a flat belly....and I am a guy. Imagine what a woman would say.

 

And when my wife (who is 5' 6" and now about 165#...heavy in your book) was gaining her weight recently over the past few years since our last child (who is now 6), I rarely mentioned her weight to her because I knew from my own feelings that this would not change her. I loved her for who she is. And while I find her less attractive physically when she is overweight(sorry, this is a truth), I have never loved her less. While I suggested when asked what her weight gain is from, I have never tried to control what she ate. And now that she works out three to four times a week, I do not push her there nor do I comment on the candy she eats still before she goes to bed. She herself knows that this is not good, but like most of us, habits are not only hard to break, they will be missed.

 

I am not bragging but stating that my experiences give me some ground on which to stand when I tell you that loving your wife as the person she is and not simply for a beautiful body you want is the only way that you will "change" her. I know that her looks may be a stumbling block for you, but as has been suggested, begin looking at the many facets of her personality that you admire. While looks may have been a factor in your love for her, they probably played less than you think they did.

 

I still hear from your posts an anger that she no longer loves YOU enough to care about HER weight. Yet I think you will gain more ground in your quest for her to love you more if you simply love her for who she is. From personal experience, I can say that focusing on her many qualities as a person, friend, or mother will actually make her more attractive to you than if you focus on the weight you want her to be. This may sound like a contradiction to you, but inside she does not want to meet some standard that you have set for your love. We all want to be loved for who we are, and what we could be come...better or for worse. If you hold weight as a standard for your love and acceptance, then you state very loudly that " I will love you as long as you look good in my eyes. To me this is more important that the person you are inside."

 

You may not mean this, but you express it verbally and non-verbally in your comments, looks and expressions.

 

Consider marriage counseling not as a means to get her to lose weight but as a means to discover all the underlying issues that have caused your marriage to fall off the track. Consider not only spending more time with her as a friend, but begin looking at sex as a way to express your love TO her as your friend and lover and wife. Once she realizes that your love goes much deeper than simply her looks, she will do everything that she can to retain that love...including looking as beautiful as she knows she can be physically (and trust me...she really does know what you want from her).

 

She is your wife...for better or for worse.

[whichwayisup]

Am I the only one who thinks this is not all about weight

 

*raises hand.*

 

I said this all along - She is depressed. She doesn't have enough going on in her life other than the kids, looking after the house etc..She needs to have something to DO, something to accomplish OUTSIDE of the house that has nothing to do with being a mom or a wife.

[Try2BeSupportive]

And it's not enough of an EFFORT for you that she bears and raises your children, keeps up the house, cooks dinner for you, and the myriad of other household tasks she does to keep your life running smoothly so you don't have to worry about it??

 

I give her full credit for doing many of the things you mentioned. I call it "the business side" of marriage. But clearly both of us have needs that go beyond "the business side", like our physical relationship. In the past, this was a mutual need that was worth mutual effort. I realize that having kids changes many things, but I feel we both should get a vote in achieving proper balance.

 

For example another part of "the business" side of marriage is me sustaining my career and our household income. Having kids has made this more important than ever right? Wife quit her job to be SAHM so my job is a direct contribution toward raising our kids? Imagine that I (on my own) decide that my job (which benefits the entire household) is more important that some of my wife's needs. Pick your favorite "emotional" need, one that perhaps I could get by without. Should my wife just accept me now? She married me for better or worse, so she must love me even if I am just too busy for her other needs. All my efforts now are on supporting the family (finances). That would fair, right?

 

Some have suggested she is depressed - I asked her point blank yesterday and she insists that she is happy with everything - I do not believe she is depressed. Oh, her thyroid test results came back as normal.

[JamesM]

Some have suggested she is depressed - I asked her point blank yesterday and she insists that she is happy with everything - I do not believe she is depressed. Oh, her thyroid test results came back as normal.

 

While I could discuss many other areas of this post, I will touch just on these two. After having been married almost 18 years to a woman who has had depression and has thyroid problems, I can understand. You and I have many things in common.

 

As WWIU asked, what did your wife do before she became a SAHM? Could it be that she misses being what she did before?

 

Has your wife ever had depression or anything similar?

 

Has she ever had a problem with gaining weight in the past either during your marriage or before your marriage?

 

Has she had any sort of abuse in her past...sexual, physical or emotional from a parent, friend, or ex?

 

Since you mentioned thyroid levels, was this something that she suggested, you suggested, or the doctor suggested? I apologize if you posted this somewhere already. My wife has had thyroid problems for years. And when she was taking her prior thyroid med (synthroid), her levels appeared "normal." But about a year and a half ago, thanks to some people here, I found a website that said (and in her case was true) that even when levels are normal according to the tests, they may not be optimal for the person. After showing this to her doctor and changing meds, her life did get much better. But don't expect a miracle change either way.

 

Going back through time, was there any event that occurred just prior to when she began to gain weight? Was it strictly attached to the birth of a child? When did she begin developing this habit of a midnight snack?

 

I am still thinking that there is a bigger issue to look at beyond the weight.

[Try2BeSupportive]

While I could discuss many other areas of this post, I will touch just on these two. After having been married almost 18 years to a woman who has had depression and has thyroid problems, I can understand. You and I have many things in common.

 

As WWIU asked, what did your wife do before she became a SAHM? Could it be that she misses being what she did before?

She gladly quit her teaching job, and she could easily start work again (even part time) any time she wants.

 

Has your wife ever had depression or anything similar?

She takes some kind of anxiety medication

 

Has she ever had a problem with gaining weight in the past either during your marriage or before your marriage?

No, she has been same weight all her life (except during pregnancy)

 

Has she had any sort of abuse in her past...sexual, physical or emotional from a parent, friend, or ex?

No sexual abuse. Strict parents (but nothing too outrageous)

 

Since you mentioned thyroid levels, was this something that she suggested, you suggested, or the doctor suggested? I apologize if you posted this somewhere already. My wife has had thyroid problems for years. And when she was taking her prior thyroid med (synthroid), her levels appeared "normal." But about a year and a half ago, thanks to some people here, I found a website that said (and in her case was true) that even when levels are normal according to the tests, they may not be optimal for the person. After showing this to her doctor and changing meds, her life did get much better. But don't expect a miracle change either way.

WWIU made the suggestion on here, I mentioned it to wife so she got it checked

 

Going back through time, was there any event that occurred just prior to when she began to gain weight? Was it strictly attached to the birth of a child? When did she begin developing this habit of a midnight snack?

Nothing I can think of. Just became a habit of hers, soon after the kids are finally in bed she likes to sugar up.

 

I am still thinking that there is a bigger issue to look at beyond the weight.

Maybe so. I am a typical non-perceptive male so I only notice things that are visible and obvious.

 

You said before I was angry at her over this and I believe you are correct. But knowing that does not change the situation so I am looking for what I can do about it. Ignoring it has not helped. Pretending I don't care has not worked.

[hotgurl]

anti anxiety meds can cause cravings and weight gain. Paxil I heard is esp bad for sugar cravings.

[JamesM]

anti anxiety meds can cause cravings and weight gain. Paxil I heard is esp bad for sugar cravings.

 

I agree. They can also kill the sex drive, and I mean kill it. Yes, my wife has taken them, too. Howvever, she could switch to a different med and have no side effects at all. Wellbutrin supposedly does not affect the libido.

 

You said before I was angry at her over this and I believe you are correct. But knowing that does not change the situation so I am looking for what I can do about it. Ignoring it has not helped. Pretending I don't care has not worked.

 

It is understandable to be angry and almost normal. And it does not change the situation at all. What I like is that you are using that anger to find a solution. Directing your anger at a solution to your marriage instead of away from your marriage shows commitment to your marriage.

 

Keep up what you are doing.

 

While your wife gladly quit at the time, is it possible that working part-time would be helpful? How old are your child(ren)? Many times it is hardly practical to work with young ones at home, but it can be remedied.

 

How many hours a week do you work?

 

What is your regular routine when you get home?

 

Do the two of you talk much in the evening?

 

Do you hug and kiss much/at all?

 

And to get even more personal, how often do you have sex? Is it mutually enjoyable or is it more of sex to make you happy?

 

Sorry for all of the questions, but I have seen and experienced that if enough questions are asked, a solution may be found. Even if I don't have an answer, your answer to these questions may trigger a solution from someone else.

[whichwayisup]

If she has anxiety, then she is having bouts of depression too, and this time of year, depending on where you live, SAD can set in too.

 

Look, all I know is the weight thing is YOUR issue with her, but HER issues within herself are much deeper than you think. You outright asked her if she has depression. I'm telling ya, if she is slightly suffering of feeling affects of SAD, mild depression, she isn't going to tell you this. Her actions SHOW she is.

 

What does she do during the day while you're at work and the kids are at school? Does she keep the house inorder, or does she let things slip, get messy, etc? If she IS suffering any effects of depression the signs WILL be there.

 

Is she seeking counselling due to her anxiety? Cognitive behaviour therapy is the type of therapy she needs to do if she still has anxiety ISSUES, not just the symptoms. She can be on meds to control it, but she needs to understand and work through the reasons WHY she has anxiety. And I also agree with someone who said about the weight gain due to being on meds. She's older, her body is changing after having kids, aging, etc. and yeah, the junkfood doesn't fit her metabolism like it used to.

[sb129]

She takes some kind of anxiety medication

 

???

 

You mention this now, so casually, and you don't even know what its called?

 

 

I too think this is about more than weight (and I have said it all along too) and now you mention she is on "some kind" of anxiety medication?

 

You don't feel like exploring THAT further?

[Racquel Colette]

Keeping a man's love is most certainly contingent on dress size...

 

I happen to know that it is not (through experience.) I was seeing a man who gained 30 pounds because of a surgery and I still loved him so much. I also gained about 10 and he still thought I was beautiful and sexy. Otherwise, it was never love in the first place. You also took my post out of context because you left out my sister, who has fluctuated from a size 4 to a 12 throughout her 14 year marriage and her husband loves her more than ever and his love has never wained. He loves HER, not her dress size.

[Mr. Lucky]

Seems like there are 3 separate questions here:

 

1). Is it reasonable for a spouse to expect a certain "performance" level in an area of the relationship? Should a H expect that his wife will, within reason, maintain a certain weight? Can a W expect that her H will bring in a certain income if he is the family's main support? Etc., etc.

 

2). If your spouse stops meeting the expectation, what is the best way (least confrontational or hurtful) to bring it up for discussion?

 

3). If, after the discussion, your spouse still doesn't change, what does that behavior mean within the emotional context of the relationship?

 

Mr. Lucky

[JamesM]

 

WWIU made the suggestion on here, I mentioned it to wife so she got it checked

 

 

 

This was your comment in regards to why your wife had her thyroid levels checked. I was thinking about this comment when I was raking leaves this afternoon. Yes, I really was.

 

The fact that your wife had her thyroid checked at your suggestions says a lot to me at least. She must recognize a problem, and she must want to fix whatever is wrong for you. Yet she also must have something else going on that even she is not sure of what it is.

 

 

Depression, anxiety meds, "enjoying" that night time candy, lack of interest in sex....these are symptoms of something.