I know my story is no different than most, but...

[norajane]

Just trying to sort through my feelings. Sorry, my feelings are my feelings. Am I giving my marriage the respect it deserves? Not even close, but I haven't entirely checked out either.

 

If you haven't checked out, then tell your wife you've reached a point in the marriage where you find yourself looking at other women and contemplating an affair. You don't have to tell her who or how, but that you can't seem to stop thinking about it, so you know that the marriage is in trouble and both of you need to work on making it better.

 

This is your wife's life and her marriage too. You're playing with it as though it's all up to you, and it's all about your feelings. Your wife may have some feelings of her own. You need to share those with each other and sort yourselves out instead of bringing a third party into the mess.

[outofdarkness]

hey...no prob...r u my H??? LOL

[silktricks]

Am I giving my marriage the respect it deserves? Not even close, but I haven't entirely checked out either.

 

No, you haven't ENTIRELY checked out, but then most MM don't. They just partially check out. Have their little fling, **** over their wife and the OW, satify their craving for a little action and ego stroking and then say "But honey (speaking to the wife) I always loved you, I just lost sight of it for awhile."

 

And to the OW, "Well, you knew I was married. I really do love my wife."

 

Then somehow the whole sordid mess becomes all the fault of the women. If only your wife would have stayed as attentive towards you as she was in the beginning, and that bad OW should never have chased after you. You are a pathetic individual.

 

(And you're going to richly deserve the sexual harassment case that's going to get leveled at you by the OW and her husband!) You'll probably lose your wife AND your company, but that doesn't really matter to you right now, because you want a little spice in your life. Haven't you ever heard the old saying that you shouldn't **** where you eat?

[IamASelfishSOB]

I know how you feel. Myself, I think his wife deserves better which is why I'm not bothering to put any effort into stopping it from hitting the fan. Until she realizes how self-entitled he is, she'll keep thinking he's a better man than he really is. We both know the pretence can only last so long unless he changes his perspective, therefore fixes his own core issues of superficiality, grass is greener syndrome or whatever his neediness surrounds.

 

I think part of this, is his attempt to generate attention to support his neediness. It's another control game but with the rest of us being played.

 

No doubt, my wife deserves better. I'm not trying to garner support for my reasons for infidelity, only trying to understand them. The reason I'm here is to try to find out why I have them and to try to eliminate the need if that is possible. According to several of you, I am morally inept and destined to be that way for life. Perhaps that's true. I'm hopeful that it is not. Obviously guilt brought me here to begin with there must be a glimmer of hope.

[Trialbyfire]

No doubt, my wife deserves better. I'm not trying to garner support for my reasons for infidelity, only trying to understand them. The reason I'm here is to try to find out why I have them and to try to eliminate the need if that is possible. According to several of you, I am morally inept and destined to be that way for life. Perhaps that's true. I'm hopeful that it is not. Obviously guilt brought me here to begin with there must be a glimmer of hope.

Only you can fix your issues. No one can convince you to change unless you're willing to look in the mirror, see who you've become and then take proactive measures to fix the problems, therefore becoming the man you want to be.

[IamASelfishSOB]

No, you haven't ENTIRELY checked out, but then most MM don't. They just partially check out. Have their little fling, **** over their wife and the OW, satify their craving for a little action and ego stroking and then say "But honey (speaking to the wife) I always loved you, I just lost sight of it for awhile."

 

And to the OW, "Well, you knew I was married. I really do love my wife."

 

Then somehow the whole sordid mess becomes all the fault of the women. If only your wife would have stayed as attentive towards you as she was in the beginning, and that bad OW should never have chased after you. You are a pathetic individual.

 

(And you're going to richly deserve the sexual harassment case that's going to get leveled at you by the OW and her husband!) You'll probably lose your wife AND your company, but that doesn't really matter to you right now, because you want a little spice in your life. Haven't you ever heard the old saying that you shouldn't **** where you eat?

 

Yeah, I'm pathetic. I won't argue, but I'm not blaming anybody. I know this is my deal. If it blows up into a sordid mess and I rot in hell, I know I only have myself to blame.

[norajane]

Yeah, I'm pathetic. I won't argue, but I'm not blaming anybody. I know this is my deal. If it blows up into a sordid mess and I rot in hell, I know I only have myself to blame.

 

If it blows up into a sordid mess, you won't be the only one in hell. You'll have two innocent spouses - your wife and her husband - who will be deep in a hell of their own.

 

It's NOT all about you.

[IamASelfishSOB]

If you haven't checked out, then tell your wife you've reached a point in the marriage where you find yourself looking at other women and contemplating an affair. You don't have to tell her who or how, but that you can't seem to stop thinking about it, so you know that the marriage is in trouble and both of you need to work on making it better.

 

This is your wife's life and her marriage too. You're playing with it as though it's all up to you, and it's all about your feelings. Your wife may have some feelings of her own. You need to share those with each other and sort yourselves out instead of bringing a third party into the mess.

 

I know you are right. I need to assemble my thoughts. To be honest, I know she can sense things are not right, especially lately. This will not be a shock to her.

 

I do appreciate your time and effort. I don't know what you have to gain from this, but I do appreciate it.

[IamASelfishSOB]

If it blows up into a sordid mess, you won't be the only one in hell. You'll have two innocent spouses - your wife and her husband - who will be deep in a hell of their own.

 

It's NOT all about you.

 

Understood. It is what it is. The past can't be changed, only the future.

[Trialbyfire]

Understood. It is what it is. The past can't be changed, only the future.

So...what are you going to do about it?

[JustBreathe]

The problem isn't your wife or the fact that you are "incompatible" or she is not your "intellectual equal" -- the problem isn't your marriage, which pretty much what marriage is like after years of kids and bills and work, etc. The problem is YOU. You don't need marriage counseling, at this point, you need individual therapy.

 

You have become vain and morally bankrupt. You need to figure out what it is inside of you that is missing or has died away that makes you think it's okay to abandon your wife emotionally and physically.

 

Maybe once you've fixed yourself enough, you can turn your full attention to your marriage and seek that with your wife that you seek elsewhere.

 

You are your wife's friend, her lover, her confidante, the man who holds her and comforts her when she needs it, takes care of her when she's sick; you are the man she trusts with her children, her security and even her very life. You are the man she has planned her future with. The man who comes home to her and shares her bed each night and laughs, gossips, and whispers with her in the dark. She loves you and has done nothing deserving of your treason.

 

If you no longer love her, then at least be compassionate and merciful to this woman who has not done you any wrong, and leave her so that she can find a man who CAN love her. Sure, she will hurt for a time, but eventually she will recover and her life will be the better for having gotten out of a marriage that was not mutually satisfying.

[IamASelfishSOB]

So...what are you going to do about it?

 

Don't know. Not planning on cheating again, though.

[Trialbyfire]

Don't know. Not planning on cheating again, though.

As others have urged you, get some individual therapy ("IC"). Therapy can provide you with coping tools so you can deal with temptation. Keep in mind that it will be hard work therefore, requires commitment on your part. Can you be committed to repairing yourself?

[IamASelfishSOB]

The problem isn't your wife or the fact that you are "incompatible" or she is not your "intellectual equal" -- the problem isn't your marriage, which pretty much what marriage is like after years of kids and bills and work, etc. The problem is YOU. You don't need marriage counseling, at this point, you need individual therapy.

 

You have become vain and morally bankrupt. You need to figure out what it is inside of you that is missing or has died away that makes you think it's okay to abandon your wife emotionally and physically.

 

Maybe once you've fixed yourself enough, you can turn your full attention to your marriage and seek that with your wife that you seek elsewhere.

 

You are your wife's friend, her lover, her confidante, the man who holds her and comforts her when she needs it, takes care of her when she's sick; you are the man she trusts with her children, her security and even her very life. You are the man she has planned her future with. The man who comes home to her and shares her bed each night and laughs, gossips, and whispers with her in the dark. She loves you and has done nothing deserving of your treason.

 

If you no longer love her, then at least be compassionate and merciful to this woman who has not done you any wrong, and leave her so that she can find a man who CAN love her. Sure, she will hurt for a time, but eventually she will recover and her life will be the better for having gotten out of a marriage that was not mutually satisfying.

 

Thanks for your help. No doubt it is my issue. I agree.

[JustBreathe]

One more thing... I went back and re-read these posts as it saddens me to read once again a post from a married person on the brink of destroying all that is really important in their life.

 

It is almost an absolute certainty that your wife suspects something is going on. She knows you well after 15 years. She senses your withdrawal and is most likely confused by it, maybe even angry about it because she can't seem to make you happy no matter what she does... because you don't want to be pleased by her. That would take away your big excuse for cheating on her.

 

I know what she feels like. When I look back now, all the signs were there, I just wouldn't see. Instead I became so depressed and distracted I had a serious three-car accident and totalled our van.

 

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty or afraid.. only trying to help you to see what it might be like from your wife's position. This is not a game. What you're doing is serious.

 

If you can't tell her about your past infidelities, then perhaps you can find the fortitude to quit cheating on her and lying to her in the future. You aren't some hormonal teenager. You are a grown man, husband and father. If you can't handle the responsibility, get out of the marriage, so she can find a man who can love her, be a loyal husband to her and a father to her children who can teach by example.

[whichwayisup]

Other than tying this discussion to me. No one else knows about this and unless it continues, of course I can't be 100% positive, no one is going to find out. I guess the hardest thing about this is that you can't talk about it to anyone except the OW, which isn't the best place to go. That's why I'm here. I'm just trying to attempt to see the value in telling her and I can't see it. Both I and the OW agree with this.

 

S, if her husband notices anything weird, an energy, he could get suspicious, and do you know her well enough that if he asks her "are you cheating on me" do you know 100% that she will say no? There is always a chance...

 

As long as you and the OW are on the same page NOT to let the affair happen, not to spend any alone time together so you won't be tempted and promise eachother (if that's possible) to NOT touch, talk about it, ever again.

[whichwayisup]

Come on. It's not like that. It wasn't like we said before hand we'll do this, but we won't tell. We did it without thinking or without regard to the consequences. I don't know if it makes any difference, but this was 4 months ago and we haven't really had any personal contact since outside of a telephone conversations trying to sort through what we did. I've been dealing with these thoughts now since that time. I'm not ignoring any post in this thread or trying to justify my actions. Just trying to sort through my feelings. Sorry, my feelings are my feelings. Am I giving my marriage the respect it deserves? Not even close, but I haven't entirely checked out either.

 

So it's been 4 months since you two have had sex - Though you do spend time together, talking...Trying to understand. The thing is, by doing that you're both allowing the feelings to grow between you and it is totally inappropriate for both of you to allow that. If it is for getting closure, OK, but after 4 months of no sex, touching, you both hopefully should be able to control "it" and not let "it" control you...I hope I'm making sense. (I have a killer headache at the moment.)

 

No doubt, my wife deserves better. I'm not trying to garner support for my reasons for infidelity, only trying to understand them. The reason I'm here is to try to find out why I have them and to try to eliminate the need if that is possible. According to several of you, I am morally inept and destined to be that way for life. Perhaps that's true. I'm hopeful that it is not. Obviously guilt brought me here to begin with there must be a glimmer of hope.

 

Do a list of all the things that make you feel unhappy, what needs aren't being met, things your wife does that makes you feel bad/sad/pissed off. Do a list with all the things you love about her. Do another list with what changes (as little or as big that would make a difference to you) you'd like to see her do to make the marriage better.

 

I don't know if that will help, but it certainly won't hurt...Maybe you'll understand the reasons why you let another woman into your heart.

 

It is obvious that you've been feeling neglected, undesired for some time now, that excitement that you get from the OW doesn't exist with your wife. Well, NO marriage after so many years does...But it does come back in spurts if both people are willing to capture it again.

[mental_traveller]

Sit your wife down and just tell her everything you said in your post. That's the best thing you could possibly do, and it's most likely to stop you having an affair.

 

If you *really* don't want to be married to your wife, you can always get a divorce later. But do it after thinking things over objectively, not just because thinking of some other woman gives you a hard on.

[mental_traveller]

At this point, my marriage is what it is. My wife just does not stimulate me intellectually or physically. That may be selfish and insensitive, but it is true.

 

Go to counselling then (both alone and with your wife), and see how it goes. If after say 6 months you still feel the same way, get a divorce. Then you can boff not just this woman at work, but any young hottie who crosses your path.

[mental_traveller]

Honestly nora, please, please explain the value of possibly never being able to reconcile to me possibly looking in the mirror and make some changes or going to counciling to make things better.

 

The value is that she will then know the truth of her marriage, rather than being deceived and having her husband cheat on her behind her back.

 

If someone is going to do something bad to you, it's almost always better to know in advance so you can act accordingly, rather than to be successfully tricked and conned - possibly for years.

[IamASelfishSOB]

I really would like to thank all who have responded to this thread. I blew a day of work, but I will say that it was worthwhile. I have a lot to think about. I honestly can say that it is my intention to never cheat again and I have a lot to think about in regards to attending to my marriage. I thought this might theraputic to have to have discourse with others to help reconcile my thoughts while having to explain my actions. I realize what I must do when this woman comes back to work and I really think I can keep myself out of situations that can cause a problem. We only talked once last week for a professional reason. We touched on our personal situation very briefly, but mostly talked professionally. The fact that neither is contacting the other for just conversation is a good sign that we are probably on the same page. My wife does deserve for me to resolve my issues. I intend to do that.

[silktricks]

No doubt, my wife deserves better. I'm not trying to garner support for my reasons for infidelity, only trying to understand them. The reason I'm here is to try to find out why I have them and to try to eliminate the need if that is possible. According to several of you, I am morally inept and destined to be that way for life. Perhaps that's true. I'm hopeful that it is not. Obviously guilt brought me here to begin with there must be a glimmer of hope.

There is always a glimmer of hope, but since you seem to be looking for excuses to have the affair rather than reasons and methods to avoid it, it does rather put you on the bottom rungs of the ladder, now doesn't it? And since you then compound your felony by talking about how she initiated rather than looking at how you showed your availability, well your moral checkbook seems to be a wee bit in the red!

 

But all of that is now, no one has said you are a permanent a$$, just a perfect one. Stop whining about yourself and act like a grown man. If you don't want marriage with both its responsibilities and advantages, then get a divorce and let your wife find someone who will treat her with love and kindness. If you want to stay married, then work to fall back in love with your wife. (and resolve inside youself whatever issues have got you looking for emotional satisfaction outside of you marriage)

[Zapbasket]

This the best advice you'll get here as it accomplishes three things:

 

1). Pulls your thoughts out from under the rock and exposes them to the light of day. Also makes your schedule and conduct accountable to your wife.

 

2). Hopefully lets her know the seriousness of the problem. I'd like to think that she'd be sufficiently alarmed to haul your ass into MC immediately.

 

3). In MC or IC, you learn strategies to both deal with these kinds of feelings and keep the home fires burning. There's not a man alive that hasn't looked at an attractive friend or co-worker and thought "what if ?". There are ways to plow that emotional and sexual energy back into your marriage and reap great benefits (not the least of which is you get to see your children grow up under one roof and set an example for them).

 

I wish you well...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I second Mr. Lucky's seconding of WWiU. I haven't yet read through your whole thread, but I want to pop in and say that the above action is EXACTLY what I would hope my partner or husband would do. No one can expect their partner never to be attracted to other people. But in a committed relationship, one CAN and SHOULD expect his or her partner to be be honest about ANYTHING that potentially threatens the marriage.

 

Also, by telling your wife of your attraction to this woman, you're creating enough discomfort for yourself to give yourself a taste of how bad it will be if you let this slip into a full-blown affair. You're coming on here with overall good intentions, but you're also making excuses and rationalizing your behavior. Those excuses and rationalizations are your weenie's way of trying to make this situation seem okay to you. It's not okay.

 

Also? As an attractive woman who enjoys platonic friendships with men, often men 10, 15 years older than me (I'm 30) who are married or in committed relationships, NOTHING is a greater emotional and physical turn-off than a man who can't respect the woman he has pledged devotion to. My best male friend ever (who I ONLY saw as a friend) broke off with me because, as he said, he felt himself falling in love with me and refused to put himself even emotionally in a situation that would hurt his wife and kids. That choice he made, in my eyes, makes him one of the HOTTEST men I know. Good women who care about the totality of the men they meet, women you'd hope to marry after your affair destroys your current marriage, will NEVER want to marry a man who cheated.

 

No sex is worth losing the most precious gifts in life. Really. Go to therapy and talk to your wife. If you need some outside spice, go with some buddies to a strip club and pay one of the women to pull $$$ out of your teeth with her breasts while she rides on your lap. My ex did that once and came home with his pants practically bursting open and gave me an amazing night of sex.

 

What else do you need to hear to shake sense into you?

[Mr. Lucky]

This is your wife's life and her marriage too. You're playing with it as though it's all up to you, and it's all about your feelings.

I agree, it's all about him. I'm always amazed at how many cheaters display classic symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder. Look at the following list of symptoms and tell me how many of them (only need 5) that you find in SOB's post's:

 

At least five of the following are necessary for a diagnosis:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance
   
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
   
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by other special people
   
4. requires excessive admiration
   
5. strong sense of entitlement
   
6. takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
   
7. lacks empathy
   
8. is often envious or believes others are envious of him or her
   
9. arrogant affect

SOB, you've now got the diagnosis, all you need is the treatment...

 

My. Lucky

[VIP]

I think you shouldn't tell your wife anything. Your marriage will be irreparably damaged if you do. Usually if a woman forgives her husband, she feels it can never be the same anymore. And even though she said she forgave him, in her heart she didn't. This bitterness will drive you apart.

 

From what you wrote, you don't have any feelings for your wife, whatsoever. Does she have feelings for you? The way you decribed it, she doesn't either. You are both going through the motions. Have you ever had those feelings? You said you married her, because she was attractive. And now she is not so attractive anymore, and there has never been any emotional, intellectual or physical connection to begin with.

 

So you can stay there for the sake of marriage, kids, money, responsibility, etc. But it's unlikely that you are both going to be happy together.