I know my story is no different than most, but...

[smartgirl]

SOB - I'm also looking forward to hearing how you are doing. I know you would rather just not stir things up and hope it all goes away. To some degree, it does. That is how these things work. But maybe forcing some discomfort into your marriage can actually stimulate it.

 

I would rather have avoided this horrible episode more than anything. But I'll never know if we would have put the effort into improving our R if it hadn't happened. Would we have stayed together anyway? Would we have continued to drift apart? I'll never know. In that Sci-fi, Star Trek kind of way - you never know when something horrible has to happen in order for something good to happen later.

[reboot]

Doesn't matter? You let another woman suck your knob for pete's sake. Sure kissing might be considered cheating to her, but you actually had SEXUAL relations with this woman.. oral sex IS sex. That's just a hell of a lot worse and you already stepped into that territory and the scary part is that you don't feel remorseful.

I really don't appreciate the misquote of me in your above post. I've never had sexual relations with any women outside my marriage (since I've been married anyway). And I never said I did.

[MtMan]

I can relate. I havn't actually asked the object of my desire out. But she seemed to flirt back harder than my flirting with her, so it consumed me a bit as well.

 

Word has it that in most cases it is found out that the affair occurred.

 

So I think you need to evaluate whether it is worth your wife finding out or not.

 

I have a 7 year old boy and a 6 year old girl, who I tell I love more than anything in the universe.

 

If I let mother nature take over my judgment and go off with another mate, who I am more attracte to than my wife, wouldn't that sort of indirectly imply to both my children that I was full of it when I told them how much I loved them - more than anything? Indeed it would, and it would indeed be devastating to them.

 

I think people who say you should end your marriage if it isn't a picture perfect model of a marriage to your kids are scapegoating the mother nature part quite a bit - I think it is a stretch to assume the model is more important than the kids being with their original father.

 

That said - I have a choice essentially. To either be a man or an ape. And therein lies the rub. The media portrays real men as being playboys - James Bonds. Yet if you think about it long enough, you'll come to the same conclusion as I that that is actually backwards.

 

A man has integrity - he keeps his word. That is where he gets his power. He does not need a corvette, a mistress, or 3 mistresses, or any other mid-life crisis category thing to be a man. If he has a mistress, he has mistaken manhood for apehood.

 

Once you have made the decision to be a man, then you just rearrange your priorities, not unlike how a Catholic priest would do it, moving sex down the priority totem pole, and putting your children on top.

 

If we decide we really want to be divorced, it should be a decision that we make independent of having our opinion swayed by a mistress. Once divorced, then we are free to be James Bond until we we decide to tie the knot again. But not until.

 

Life was not designed to be easy is the bottom line. But our integrity is our most important possession.

[Flyin in Clouds]

Thanks FIC - it was nice to hear a man say those things. I don't have any problem with working hard to look good, but implants just seem wrong to me. My H said much the same thing, but I know her body drove him crazy so I wasn't sure how sincere it was. Thanks again.

 

What was also strange to me was how many men fear they don't please their wives and instead of talking to her about it they go screw another woman. To me, that seems a little more like they want to feel they are great in bed to feel good about themselves and less that they are concerned about whether their wife is happy or not. IMO.

I haven't been on here in a while so I re-read your previous post and I'd add this.

 

I (and I suspsect most men) can be turned on by all kinds of women. Blonds, redheads, blue eyes, green eyes, hazel eyes. ... curvy, less - curvy, big busted, small busted... I find lots of different women attractive.

 

As to cheating to feel good about themselves, sure, that's part of it. But can't a wife talk too? Can't a wife let her H know how he's doing for her? A little verbal communication during sex helps... Let a guy know what we can do for you, we're here to please.

[smartgirl]

I haven't been on here in a while so I re-read your previous post and I'd add this.

 

I (and I suspsect most men) can be turned on by all kinds of women. Blonds, redheads, blue eyes, green eyes, hazel eyes. ... curvy, less - curvy, big busted, small busted... I find lots of different women attractive.

 

As to cheating to feel good about themselves, sure, that's part of it. But can't a wife talk too? Can't a wife let her H know how he's doing for her? A little verbal communication during sex helps... Let a guy know what we can do for you, we're here to please.

 

As to the first point, I realize that. My big problem is that my H has told me that he thought his OW was more attractive than me. There was nothing in there to cushion the blow of that statement. He feels that is something I simply have to accept, but not care about because he chose to be with me. Well, that is a real ego boost.

 

Regarding the last point, I spoke up a number of times over the decades of our marriage. Nothing changed, except that he got more self conscious for awhile. I always see advice saying to tell your H what you want. Sad to say it has never worked for me.

[Sal Paradise]

You want to change, you're taking responsibility for your mistakes and doing all that you can to make it better.

 

He can't face the responsibity of his mistakes until he faces the potential consequences by telling his wife everything he did. Facing responsibility can't include dishonesty to the person he betrayed. He hasn't faced anything until he sits her down and tells her everything.

 

She has the right to know what he did. She has the right to decide if she wants to be with someone who betrayed her to such a degree. She has the right to decide whether or not he is worth the risk. She has the right to decide if he is worthy of her time much less her love and devotion. She has the right to decide her own future based on his actions.

 

If he doesn't tell her he is essentially telling her...

 

"It's not your right it's mine. I can't take the chance of you deciding something I don't approve of. I must control the future of our marriage."

 

We only get one shot at this thing called life. No one has the right to waste our precious years (we have so few in the grand scheme) through their deceptive behavior.

 

The person who cheats has to come clean. To not do so is more selfish than the act of cheating itself.

 

I truly hope he comes clean but until he does so he hasn't faced the responsibility of his actions. He would also be rebuilding his marriage based on a lie. That's no place to start the rebuilding process, it's a bad foundation and eventually it will implode.

 

Honesty is the only way. You can't truly love someone unless you respect them and you can't respect them if you're lying to them every time you look them in the face and say "I love you".

[OpenBook]

As to the first point, I realize that. My big problem is that my H has told me that he thought his OW was more attractive than me. There was nothing in there to cushion the blow of that statement. He feels that is something I simply have to accept, but not care about because he chose to be with me. Well, that is a real ego boost.

 

------

 

Sorry to threadjack,... I'm copying my reply into your own thread, smartgirl.

[stillafool]

What do you mean by you and your wife aren't intellectually compatible?

[bestadvisor]

Is work still professional? Is your W still in the dark?

[bestadvisor]

What do you mean by you and your wife aren't intellectually compatible?

 

That she is much smarter than him.

[makeanewlife]

Your post sounds as if it was written by my husband while he was in the throes of his relationship. Having gone through the horror of this, I would say TELL YOUR WIFE HOW YOU FEEL. It will hurt and be painful, but think of how much worse the alternative is. I wasn't before, but I am now a believer in complete honesty, even if it means saying you have an attraction to someone else. Actually, the attraction part is hurtful but natural, right? My husband was exactly the same in that he related to the OW on an emotional/occupational level, in a way that he didn't think I could relate to him. Over time, he realized that she was actually flat, and one-dimentional in that she could relate to him in terms of their work, but she didn't bring anything else to the table. I am learning how to relate to him and meet him where he's at in terms of the job stuff a little better. He's realized all of the other things I offer him that others couldn't. It has been horrible, but would have been better if he had told me immediately about the attraction and we could have done something about it all earlier. If you come clean with your wife, she will most likely fill you in on where her needs are not being met as well. Your relationship will grow and get better.

[BestAdvisor1]

How's work?