I know my story is no different than most, but...

[silktricks]

I wish more people, like your husband, who are/were in my situation would post on this board. Why do you suppose that is?

 

I've seen more men (like you) post here lately. My H actually did post a couple of times, but then he made a mistake and posted using my screenname (that was when I found out he was posting here, too ). I asked him to please not post anymore, as I found it too intimidating.... and I kinda needed it to be just my thing.

 

I've also seen some men who were former WS really badly bashed - especially if they weren't particularly contrite about the OW's pain.

[silktricks]

I know that many of you think I should come clean entirely, but I still can't see how that helps. It is my intent to concentrate on my marriage and hopefully this makes me a better husband. I can't see how throwing our marriage into the lowest of lows will ultimately make us happier. If she finds out somehow, at least she will be aware first that I am attempting to make things better. It's going to be noticeable. I know some of you think that I just got by with one, but I still will have this hanging over my head.

I asked my husband a number of times why he told me. (I didn't discover it, he told me about what happened.) He told me that it seemed unfair to me for another woman to know something about him that I didn't. He said that he thought that I deserved to know, that our relationship (when good) had always been an honest one and that if I couldn't forgive him for what he did, that at least we'd part honestly, too.

 

I no longer hold myself in high esteem. It doesn't feel good.

I know that this was probably the hardest thing for my husband to deal with. In all honesty, his self-regard became even worse as he was dealing with my pain. Married people usually feel that they are responsible for keeping their partner happy. When something they have done creates the level of pain that a BS experiences, the WS then actually faces the sordid side of their actions. I wouldn't be surprised if the difficulty of facing oneself in the mirror each day doesn't lead to more divorces than does the supposed bitterness of the betrayed spouse.

 

 

I still have the hurdle of this woman coming back to work, but I think I am armed with the right ammunition to make it work. There is a very good chance that she feels the same way. I 100% guarantee that if she does there will be no problem. If she doesn't, then I'll deal with it somehow.

So, how will you deal with it? If you don't have a plan upfront, you'll probably deal with it by ending up in the sack with her.

[IamASelfishSOB]

Talked to my wife at length with my wife last night. She actually asked why she couldn't locate my cell phone bill, which spurred on the conversation. I did find the timing of that question a little ironic. My cell phone is actually not incriminating. My office just pays the bill. There truly is no evidence of my cheating. No e-mails, no cell phone records. We have never been out in public together. No one knows about it... period other than you faceless people on the internet. She has been aware of my restlessness. I exhibit all kinds of signs of a man having an affair. I have become obsessive with exercise. I look as good as I've ever looked in my life. I've bought a ton of new clothes. I even got a manicure (which is a total waste of money, by the way). I have become very centered on myself and my needs. Very much a mid-life crisis which is very dangerous. I told her that it has become important to be desirable and that I was attracted to other women and I that in the right situation, I could get in trouble. She just said that she obviously did not want that to happen and did not want to be played the fool and everyone in town knows that I'm having an affair and she finds out and feels like an idiot. If I don't let this happen again, there is no chance of that happening.

 

With the way I've been acting, she's worried that I have strong feelings for the plutonic friend at work and worries that I'm unhappy with our marriage. I took that as the perfect segway to ask if she was interested in talking to someone. I really wouldn't mind doing that and if it could help us sort through some things, I'm really ready to do it. She actually resisted it however. We talked about some of the issues that has me less than satisfied with our marriage and I agreed to limit going to lunch and talking about her at home. She is very attractive and she feels a little intimidated by that and feels as though she is being compared to her constantly. Truly, there is a strong friendship there, and I don't want to lose her companionship, but I am willing to scale that back to a level that makes my wife comfortable.

 

I really kind of wish that she would be more receptive to seeing some kind of counsellor. I'm going to do a little research and perhaps get some information to see if that might change her mind. I know that my situation is still tenuous at best and our marriage is still on shaky ground.

[norajane]

Find a marriage counselor and start going on your own. Tell your wife that you would like her to join you, but you will go even if she doesn't because you believe there are issues in your marriage that need to be worked through or you're not going to make it, and that you will at least start working on your issues.

 

I'll bet she starts going once she sees that you are.

[IamASelfishSOB]

So, how will you deal with it? If you don't have a plan upfront, you'll probably deal with it by ending up in the sack with her.

 

I have a plan. I haven't talked to her in over a week and only twice in the last month. I'm not contacting her outside of work again and she hasn't called either. I have a very strong feeling that we are on the same page. When she comes back I intend to act in a very professional, yet friendly manner. I will stress the fact that hurting my family is absolutely unacceptable. I think I know her well enough that I think she will feel the same way. Our relationship was not an emotional one. Neither of us are going to be hurt, I'm sure of that. It was more a relationship of desire for someone who seems to be the type of person that the other wanted. I really think our situation could be dangerous if we both were receptive to continuing an affair. In this situation, I think one person rejecting the idea would be enough to make the other stop. It would have been enough the first time, I was just wasn't strong enough to do it. I think I can be.

[VIP]

And does she have any plan of working on your relationship? Does she understand what is missing on her part and is she wiling to change that?

[silktricks]

I have a plan. I haven't talked to her in over a week and only twice in the last month. I'm not contacting her outside of work again and she hasn't called either. I have a very strong feeling that we are on the same page. When she comes back I intend to act in a very professional, yet friendly manner. I will stress the fact that hurting my family is absolutely unacceptable. I think I know her well enough that I think she will feel the same way. Our relationship was not an emotional one. Neither of us are going to be hurt, I'm sure of that. It was more a relationship of desire for someone who seems to be the type of person that the other wanted. I really think our situation could be dangerous if we both were receptive to continuing an affair. In this situation, I think one person rejecting the idea would be enough to make the other stop. It would have been enough the first time, I was just wasn't strong enough to do it. I think I can be.

 

This is not a plan for dealing with the situation if the OW is not only interested in but anxious to pursue the relationship. This is only a plan for if she is in complete agreement with you. You can hope that, but you'll be in hot water if your plan only covers that. You need a contingency plan for what you will do if it isn't easy like you want it to be.

[whichwayisup]

Talked to my wife at length with my wife last night. She actually asked why she couldn't locate my cell phone bill, which spurred on the conversation. I did find the timing of that question a little ironic. My cell phone is actually not incriminating. My office just pays the bill. There truly is no evidence of my cheating. No e-mails, no cell phone records. We have never been out in public together. No one knows about it... period other than you faceless people on the internet. She has been aware of my restlessness. I exhibit all kinds of signs of a man having an affair. I have become obsessive with exercise. I look as good as I've ever looked in my life. I've bought a ton of new clothes. I even got a manicure (which is a total waste of money, by the way). I have become very centered on myself and my needs. Very much a mid-life crisis which is very dangerous. I told her that it has become important to be desirable and that I was attracted to other women and I that in the right situation, I could get in trouble. She just said that she obviously did not want that to happen and did not want to be played the fool and everyone in town knows that I'm having an affair and she finds out and feels like an idiot. If I don't let this happen again, there is no chance of that happening.

 

Your wife knows you and yes, she has noticed all the changes in you, and is probably very suspicious. Rightfully so!

 

With the way I've been acting, she's worried that I have strong feelings for the plutonic friend at work and worries that I'm unhappy with our marriage.

 

She knows something is up SOB. And that platonic friend isn't platonic anymore...But she knows it's something, her gut is screaming it at her.

 

I took that as the perfect segway to ask if she was interested in talking to someone. I really wouldn't mind doing that and if it could help us sort through some things, I'm really ready to do it. She actually resisted it however. We talked about some of the issues that has me less than satisfied with our marriage and I agreed to limit going to lunch and talking about her at home. She is very attractive and she feels a little intimidated by that and feels as though she is being compared to her constantly. Truly, there is a strong friendship there, and I don't want to lose her companionship, but I am willing to scale that back to a level that makes my wife comfortable.

 

You should lose her companionship anyway. You cannot be 'just' friends with the OW, even if you and the OW think it's possible, you two had sex, you crossed the line, you discussed feelings.....

 

I really kind of wish that she would be more receptive to seeing some kind of counsellor. I'm going to do a little research and perhaps get some information to see if that might change her mind. I know that my situation is still tenuous at best and our marriage is still on shaky ground.

It's on shaky ground (sorry to sound like a parrot) but I honestly think your wife knows you've cheated on her. She's just waiting for you to own up to that.

 

She's scared of marriage counselling.

[IamASelfishSOB]

This is not a plan for dealing with the situation if the OW is not only interested in but anxious to pursue the relationship. This is only a plan for if she is in complete agreement with you. You can hope that, but you'll be in hot water if your plan only covers that. You need a contingency plan for what you will do if it isn't easy like you want it to be.

 

Not quite sure where I said it would be easy, but that's my plan. My wife is my contingency plan. I said that if I'm tempted again, I'm telling my wife. I'm sticking to that. After 16 years of marriage, I know that the OW does not want to experience my wife when she has been threatened. It won't be pleasant. I certainly hope it doesn't come to that. It could very well be the end of my marriage and perhaps the end of the OW's as well.

 

I am cautiously optimistic that this situation, while tenuous, is not impossible to overcome.

[whichwayisup]

After 16 years of marriage, I know that the OW does not want to experience my wife when she has been threatened. It won't be pleasant. I certainly hope it doesn't come to that. It could very well be the end of my marriage and perhaps the end of the OW's as well.

 

Then you make sure to let the OW know this so she will RESPECT your wishes to not get personal with you, let alone be flirty, 'look' at you from the across the room, or try to kiss you. Your wife probably would have no problem calling up OW's husband, so yeah, definately do all that you can to stay away from the OW. (Still don't know how you plan on keeping the OW around as a friend/companion...Or why you'd want to.)

[IamASelfishSOB]

You should lose her companionship anyway. You cannot be 'just' friends with the OW, even if you and the OW think it's possible, you two had sex, you crossed the line, you discussed feelings.....

 

I know it's been a long thread, but I have another attractive female plutonic friend that I have not and never will have sex with. My wife is worried that I have been contacting her outside of work and just wanted to know if that was the case.

 

I will not have any kind of friendship with the OW. My wife knows next to nothing about the OW.

 

Yes, she is suspicious. Who wouldn't be? You weren't in the room with us. She doesn't think I've cheated and you can believe me or not, but I won't cheat again.

[whichwayisup]

So she's suspicious of the wrong woman...

 

Either way, I do hope things get better in your life and honestly, it's not me you have to convince about not cheating again - It's yourself. You just have to not let the OW into your heart, or think with the wrong head. Don't put yourself in a situation where if she tries to get close to you, touch you - YOU can be strong and walk away. IF the chemistry was that strong between you and the OW, DO NOT TEST IT, ever.

[IamASelfishSOB]

So she's suspicious of the wrong woman...

 

Either way, I do hope things get better in your life and honestly, it's not me you have to convince about not cheating again - It's yourself. You just have to not let the OW into your heart, or think with the wrong head. Don't put yourself in a situation where if she tries to get close to you, touch you - YOU can be strong and walk away. IF the chemistry was that strong between you and the OW, DO NOT TEST IT, ever.

 

I do have some concerns that make me a little uneasy. I have spent a lot of time thinking of the ins and outs of why this all happened in the first place. This woman did pursue me. She was kind of relentless to be honest. After I relented and chose to go down this path (my choice mind you, I'm not blaming), she kind of backed off. That may very well have had something to do with her family tragedy, but I get the feeling that I was kind of a conquest of sorts. Once I caved to the situation, I really think I was feeding her ego as much as she was feeding mine. It wasn't the sex as much as it was the conquest, for her. I am a little uneasy that when I show no interest in her she may take that as a hit to her ego and she may redouble her efforts to make me want her again. Irregardless, I truly think I'm ready to handle this.

[whichwayisup]

Keep it in perspective then and I know I keep harping on this one issue but don't put yourself in a situation alone with the OW so there's no chance of 'it' happening.

 

It is something you should be concerned about, you know what ego can do and how it can take over, and partner up with the wrong head that takes over......So, knowing now that the OW saw you as a conquest, a challenge and it feeds her ego, make that ENOUGH to keep you away from her game. Your marriage is on the line so remember that when the time(s) come the OW pushes harder to gain your attention. (AND now I direct you to Matty's thread - His OW has pulled out ALL the stops. Being ill, being suicidal, having crisis's to get his attention!) Don't allow yourself to be sucked in. The OW ALWAYS has support - Her husband. Her family, other friends - SO if she ever says she 'needs' you, that's just a manipulative way to keep you interested and get your attention.

 

I truly think I'm ready to handle this.

 

I hope so. But, if you can't deal with it on your own, talk to your wife.

[silktricks]

I am a little uneasy that when I show no interest in her she may take that as a hit to her ego and she may redouble her efforts to make me want her again. Irregardless, I truly think I'm ready to handle this.

 

This was my point.

 

When I said "easy, like you want it to be" I meant that you would both be on the same page and wanting no further entanglement. That is the "easy" solution. It won't necessarily be so easy if her agenda is not the same as yours.

 

Yours is not an easy situation, since she is your employee. Good luck in avoiding an extremely messy lawsuit.

[sothisislove]

You mentioned that this was like "heroin" to you.

 

That alone should tell you that nothing good could result from this situation. It will consume you. It will promise to give you everything you have ever wanted. It will betray you and destroy your entire life. And in the end...every single good thing you have ever known will be gone. All because you wanted to have sex with a co-worker. Because you felt consumed by feelings you couldn't control or handle. Because you just wanted to see what it was like to be with this other woman, who by the way, is also married. Because you were WEAK. It will rip your life apart and leave you with nothing. You are playing with fire....and you are going to get yourself badly burned.

 

You marriage will be over. Even if your wife stays with you, she will never trust you again. From that point on you will just be another one of those unfaithful men. You will no longer be a loyal husband in her eyes. Does your wife deserve that? Are your desires for this "other" woman so important to you that you are willing to ignore the fact that you have an obligation to your wife....to the woman you promised to always be faithful to. How will your children feel if they find out. You are going to shatter their opinion of you. Are you prepared to answer their questions when they want to know why you hurt "mommy"? Do you care? If the answer to that question is "no" then I would suggest you seek therapy.

 

This is a dangerous situation. If you are ready to have your life completely turned upside down then go ahead. If you are ready to hurt the closest people in your life then go ahead. If you are really ready to lose every single thing you have.....to give up your life as you know it, then go ahead.

 

Just remember who created the problem and that it could have all been avoided. You are in control of your life. No one can make you have this affair and no one can keep it from happening except for you. Just remember that if you follow through......you are the one responsible for all the shattered lives.

 

Maybe that will put it in perspective for you.

[bish]

why deny yourself such ecstasy? you deserve a good sex life and ifyou cant get it from the old ball and chain, then get it from someone who gives you that attention..

 

No you grow some balls and get a divorce if you don't like it.

 

If you are all about cheating, then you needn't be married or in a committed relationship.

[Meaplus3]

I agree, it's all about him. I'm always amazed at how many cheaters display classic symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder. Look at the following list of symptoms and tell me how many of them (only need 5) that you find in SOB's post's:

 

At least five of the following are necessary for a diagnosis:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance
   
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
   
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by other special people
   
4. requires excessive admiration
   
5. strong sense of entitlement
   
6. takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
   
7. lacks empathy
   
8. is often envious or believes others are envious of him or her
   
9. arrogant affect

SOB, you've now got the diagnosis, all you need is the treatment...

 

My. Lucky

 

After taking the time to read all the post's by SOB I can see some NPD trait's as well.

 

IamselfishSOB, You say that you have been sort of a "flirt" throughout your 15 Year marriage with your W. You have found yourself in a situation where you are very tempted to cheat. You say that your wife is attractive however she has not faired well like many her age. After reading through your post's here it seems very clear to me that You are not very attracted to your wife at the moment. Have you ever told her in the most sincere way you can that her weigh might bother you? Perhap's she would do something about it. You also say that you would never want to get into an a again? Well the first and most important thing you need to learn is to Stop Flirting with Other woman, it's not healthy and very dangerous. By the way this MW has pursued you, you have sent her vibes that you are some what available to her, when you KNOW you are not! As for this OW, this is allready Emotional for her. If she has been that persistant to pursue you like you say she has, she want's more. Time for you to back AWAY for good. You need to come right out and tell this OW that you do not wish to have an a with her she need to know up front. DO NOT play a mind game with this OW, you will hurt her and end up hurt yourself. Keep it professional and leave it at that. Best of luck.

 

AP:)

[frannie]

Talked to my wife at length with my wife last night. She actually asked why she couldn't locate my cell phone bill, which spurred on the conversation. I did find the timing of that question a little ironic. My cell phone is actually not incriminating. My office just pays the bill. There truly is no evidence of my cheating. No e-mails, no cell phone records. We have never been out in public together. No one knows about it... period other than you faceless people on the internet. She has been aware of my restlessness. I exhibit all kinds of signs of a man having an affair. I have become obsessive with exercise. I look as good as I've ever looked in my life. I've bought a ton of new clothes. I even got a manicure (which is a total waste of money, by the way). I have become very centered on myself and my needs. Very much a mid-life crisis which is very dangerous. I told her that it has become important to be desirable and that I was attracted to other women and I that in the right situation, I could get in trouble. She just said that she obviously did not want that to happen and did not want to be played the fool and everyone in town knows that I'm having an affair and she finds out and feels like an idiot. If I don't let this happen again, there is no chance of that happening.

 

With the way I've been acting, she's worried that I have strong feelings for the plutonic friend at work and worries that I'm unhappy with our marriage. I took that as the perfect segway to ask if she was interested in talking to someone. I really wouldn't mind doing that and if it could help us sort through some things, I'm really ready to do it. She actually resisted it however. We talked about some of the issues that has me less than satisfied with our marriage and I agreed to limit going to lunch and talking about her at home. She is very attractive and she feels a little intimidated by that and feels as though she is being compared to her constantly. Truly, there is a strong friendship there, and I don't want to lose her companionship, but I am willing to scale that back to a level that makes my wife comfortable.

 

I really kind of wish that she would be more receptive to seeing some kind of counsellor. I'm going to do a little research and perhaps get some information to see if that might change her mind. I know that my situation is still tenuous at best and our marriage is still on shaky ground.

 

Well SOB I think you're doing alright on the avoiding disaster front...

 

I think, personally, that you might have to do a lot more hard work at work with the OW... rather than 'hoping' you're both on the same page, make absolutely sure of it if possible with a conversation. And no more chatting about your marriage with her..?

 

My concern with this post is that you're making too much of getting your W into counselling, when really you know the problems are lying with YOU feeling unfulfilled at home. You can't expect your wife to become confident and attractive to you through counselling. You need to address why YOU need her to be more like the woman at work so you don't feel tempted... get what I'm saying..?

 

I think I asked earlier in the thread but didn't explain what I meant... have you looked at the Emotional Needs theory on Marriage Builders..? Focusing on getting your primary ENs met at home by your wife would be a good start even IF she doesn't want to try counselling. Oh and I think you're doing a good job of being honest and looking at yourself BUT... don't you think it's you who needs to change, not her..?

[bish]

And does she have any plan of working on your relationship? Does she understand what is missing on her part and is she wiling to change that?

 

The burden of working on the relationship doesn't belong on her shoulders. HE is the cheater here.

 

Yes, they BOTH need to work on the M...but to say that she needs to do "her part" to change is like him sitting her down and saying, "work on this, or I will stick it to another woman"

 

I sure as hell never got all my needs met in my M, but you didn't see me going out and dipping my wick in other women. It is NOT an excuse.

[IamASelfishSOB]

Well SOB I think you're doing alright on the avoiding disaster front...

 

I think, personally, that you might have to do a lot more hard work at work with the OW... rather than 'hoping' you're both on the same page, make absolutely sure of it if possible with a conversation. And no more chatting about your marriage with her..?

 

My concern with this post is that you're making too much of getting your W into counselling, when really you know the problems are lying with YOU feeling unfulfilled at home. You can't expect your wife to become confident and attractive to you through counselling. You need to address why YOU need her to be more like the woman at work so you don't feel tempted... get what I'm saying..?

 

I think I asked earlier in the thread but didn't explain what I meant... have you looked at the Emotional Needs theory on Marriage Builders..? Focusing on getting your primary ENs met at home by your wife would be a good start even IF she doesn't want to try counselling. Oh and I think you're doing a good job of being honest and looking at yourself BUT... don't you think it's you who needs to change, not her..?

 

You're right, I realize it is really all about me. You're probably right about my wife and counselling. It would be great if my wife was more like the woman at work, but if I was married to the woman at work, I'm quite confident that I would think it would be great if she would be more like my wife.

 

Ultimately though, the only real thing to know here is that as long as I am married to my wife, there is absolutely no justification for cheating. I realize that and it won't happen again regardless of the temptation.

[VIP]

Yes, they BOTH need to work on the M...

 

That's what I was trying to say

[bish]

You're right, I realize it is really all about me. You're probably right about my wife and counselling. It would be great if my wife was more like the woman at work, but if I was married to the woman at work, I'm quite confident that I would think it would be great if she would be more like my wife.

 

No, it would be great with the OW until you've been with her a long while.

then you'll get tired of her too.

[whichwayisup]

Just look at what's going on in Matty's life. SOB, do you want that crazy high drama crap in your life???? Reading all that Matt's going through should be enough to STOP you in your tracks...Scary stuff!

[bestadvisor]

It seems that you either had oral sex with her or you made out with her being naked. Either way, how and where did you do it? How can you be sure that it won't happened again in that same place if the time is right?