Weekend "business" travel and cheating

[Cliche]

How can a catch him? Any advice?

I truly hope you don't take this question the wrong way, OOD, but why do you want to catch him? You know what he's like, and he's pretty much told you he'll cheat again. You know you're not ready to leave him. I understand your pain and support your need to talk about this, but I fear the only person you'll hurt is yourself if you continue to exert energy--that you desperately need for you and your children--trying to uncover his every deceit.

 

Be well.

[outofdarkness]

I truly hope you don't take this question the wrong way, OOD, but why do you want to catch him? You know what he's like, and he's pretty much told you he'll cheat again. You know you're not ready to leave him. I understand your pain and support your need to talk about this, but I fear the only person you'll hurt is yourself if you continue to exert energy--that you desperately need for you and your children--trying to uncover his every deceit.

 

Be well.

not trying to uncover his deceit, just trying to be informed...I don't want to be in the dark again, and as I said to a previous poster, I come to LS for support and advice on how to deal w/ thins now since I can't leave at this time...Thanks for the post

[Cliche]

not trying to uncover his deceit, just trying to be informed...I don't want to be in the dark again, and as I said to a previous poster, I come to LS for support and advice on how to deal w/ thins now since I can't leave at this time...Thanks for the post

I've read enough of your posts to understand that you are an extremely bright and intuitive woman. You're not in the dark at all. You see your husband exactly for who he is, and you're right and he's wrong and you're not crazy.

 

I'm glad you come here to sort things out, and I hope this place helps you. When I needed to sort some things out in my life, I found my way through a different internet bb. Literally, over the course of some time, enough lightbulbs were lit over my head that I was able to finally "get it." I hope some of us say some things to you that help illuminate things for you a little.

[outofdarkness]

Thanks ya'll..I too, smell a rat, most especially about staying over on Fri. night to return on Sat. morn...He say a meeting is sched..for too late in the day to get a flight back...so this isn't true?? I know very little about flight sched. as I do not travel very much at all. AND, just fyi, he does NOT fly cross country at ALL! I'm talking just regional..Mostly to a nearby region...NO cross country flights..How can a catch him? Any advice?

I meant how can I catch him in the lie about the flights home specifically...or at least try to be "in the know" concerning this particular topic...By now, I certainly know that he is a certified sex addict and how to "catch" him, but this is NOT my objective right now...As I said, I merely want to be informed and know what I'm dealing with regarding specific things...

[outofdarkness]

I am an OP and nope, I wouldn't want to go if I were you either. If he has a history of traveling without you to company events, lord only knows what he has told these people. I wouldn't want to be in a situation where people think one thing and possibly have no clue what the actual truth is. Do you have a friend that could do a little detective work for you for free?

 

Sorry to hear that you are in such an awful situation, my heart goes out to you ODD. Are things going to be lightening up for you anytime soon regarding childcare?

Hi, thanks for the kind words...YES! I am so proud of our son! He is FINALLY headed back to school on Monday...He has really come through this as a trooper, and completed almost a full year of school work in one summer. So, yes, things will be improving soon regarding our son...Thanks for the concern!

[mystic_pizza]

Hi, thanks for the kind words...YES! I am so proud of our son! He is FINALLY headed back to school on Monday...He has really come through this as a trooper, and completed almost a full year of school work in one summer. So, yes, things will be improving soon regarding our son...Thanks for the concern!

 

That is fantastic! I bet you are so relieved your son is doing better. I hope this the beginning of many improvements for you. Good luck!

[OceanBlue]

OOD - take the itinerary as offered. This will(should?!) give you the flights he is on and the carriers. You can then check to see if there are late flights on Friday that he could have taken.

 

As for the function...well, I would go. But that is just me. I would want these people to see that I am real, that I am a person and that I am in his life. It might even be a break for you that will ease some of the stress from your normal day to day life. Could be worth the $ to have the kids watched and buy yourself an outfit or two.

 

My ex (apparently) never took me to functions...on the few occasions we went out I had one person tell me he figured I was some ugly frumpy housewife and that was why I never went out with them before?? Shortly after I began to have fun with these people, I was informed that "it was time to go." Another time someone thought I was his girlfriend (as opposed to wife of ten years). I never thought that he cheated, but in retrospect, well, who knows...

[norajane]

Re: His company rewarding the family for good producers..Yes, this is what this particular annual event is for, but I have never been, and have not been asked until this year..I don't feel comfortable going in addtion to the reasons that I already gave for NOT being ABLE to leave..I don't feel good about myself, do not have the appropriate wardrobe, and have NO idea what he has told these people...Would YOU ALL want to go if you were me? I would be interested in some OP's on this...Thanks..

 

Hell yes, I'd go. I'd buy myself an outfit or two, and I'd make friends with all the other spouses and find out all kinds of stuff from them about the company, how much their husbands travel for business, and how often the company does these kinds of events.

 

Not only might you get a sense for what he's told people, but you can tell them how you've been taking care of your ill son all this time - whatever he's told them, you'll end up looking like a saint for doing that on your own while he's been away on business.

[East of Jupiter]

Hell yes, I'd go. I'd buy myself an outfit or two, and I'd make friends with all the other spouses and find out all kinds of stuff from them about the company, how much their husbands travel for business, and how often the company does these kinds of events.

 

Not only might you get a sense for what he's told people, but you can tell them how you've been taking care of your ill son all this time - whatever he's told them, you'll end up looking like a saint for doing that on your own while he's been away on business.

 

I strongly agree!

 

I felt very much as you do about joining my husband's work functions. My first outing was a bit awkward but it gave me confidence. The next time, I was better prepared.

 

In my case however, it was before and after DD. Before DD I got a few surprises in way of red flags. He always tried to portray himself to me as this ultra profession guy with women. That was NOT how they were with him. Hmmmmmmmmmmm....

 

Good luck to you! Enjoy, and have fun with your husband.

[outofdarkness]

As I said, money is very tight right now, and he's already told me what a huge thing he's doing for me taking me...which made me sort of mad...Also, as I said I have never met these people and he has worked there since way before D day..I don't want another D day that far from home...I am;however, still considering it..

 

Don't know if I mentioned that the year before D day, he went to Aspen for this..When I asked if I could go, he told me emphatically, that the airline that he has points on does not fly to this city, and that we did not have the money..This was the trip where I found the picture of he and another W on his desk all decked out in winter/ski type gear.His excuse was that she was a collegue and that her H had taken the photo..The next day, it was gone...When I questioned that, he said it was b/c he didn't think it's appropriate to have a picture of ANY other woman considering what was going on at the time...D day had just come about...That picture has always haunted me...Did he tell everyone that we were separated and she was his date, or did she present herself as me since I"ve never met any of them? I HAVE been on some business trips w/ him right after D day b/c he wanted to "show" me that he wasn't cheating, but said a couple of times jokingly that he was "hiding me"..I took it to mean that he wasn't suppose to travel w/anyone else on these trips due to expense, but later thought it was most likely b/c someone else had been introduced as me or that he was separated or divorced.

 

I don't want to be made a fool of, and I don't want to go and be parnoid and unhappy the entire time I'm there...Anyway, thanks again for the advice and support..I love you all!!!

[outofdarkness]

Recently, a coworker and his son was in town supposedly looking at colleges, and he all of the sudden came out of the house as I was talking w/ a friend of mine who had stopped by, and said he was leaving to meet this guy and his son at a nearby hotel and that he'd be back later...I thouht it strange that he would not have mentioned it earliear to me that the man was coming into town and also that he would not have invited them to our home...Again, it was like he was hiding me...I got a bad feeling about it...Just wanted you all to know that and see wha you all think about that...:confused:

[LucreziaBorgia]

Honestly, the more I read of your stuff the worse I feel for you. I don't think it will ever be different for you as long as you stay with this man. You will always be wondering, watching, waiting for him to cheat on you again and chances are he probably will given the fact that he knows you aren't ever going to leave him. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make things different for you - or better yet, beat your husband about the head with it and 'uncheat' him so the he never cheated on you in the first place and never would consider it.

[East of Jupiter]

Honestly, the more I read of your stuff the worse I feel for you. I don't think it will ever be different for you as long as you stay with this man. You will always be wondering, watching, waiting for him to cheat on you again and chances are he probably will given the fact that he knows you aren't ever going to leave him. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make things different for you - or better yet, beat your husband about the head with it and 'uncheat' him so the he never cheated on you in the first place and never would consider it.

 

 

I'm sorry but I have to agree with this.

 

Though I have to add that it can be different for you but only when your husband gets real. He can't even begin to get real about himself until you get real with him.

 

I am angry and frustrated at the way deception can make us doubt the rational.

 

Also, if you don't go, you will be sitting at home agonizing. I remember how my own husband discouraged me from his trips or would tell me it was employee only and I couldn't go. And I know why now. It wasn't always that he had a plan with an OW, it was that I may discover through others, he wasn't exactly what he said he was.

 

I am not projecting but simply telling you how it went for me.

 

I have also finally figured out that it is better to find out something bad and divorce this man than to continue living as I have been. The fear of having to do what we really don't want to keeps our heads sometimes firmly buried in the sand.

[mystic_pizza]

odd, originally I told you that I wouldn't go if I were you, but I have thought about this and have changed my mind. You should definitely go! The one thing that upsets the "apple cart" the most in an A, is the OW having to deal with the reality that her MM is indeed married. It sounds like he is having an A with someone at work. I say go, introduce yourself as his wife and enjoy the festivities. If the OW is there, seeing you and possibly meeting you will make your marriage REAL. That will not bode well for him when he has to deal with her alone. Why make his life easy? He has done nothing to make your life easy what-so-ever! He has you so intimidated right now you can't leave, so make your presence known "as his wife" and make his life as difficult as he is making yours. I think this is one way you can undermine his life without any open reprecussions from him. How can he argue with you about this right? If you are just merely being present as his wife, he cannot say a word without admitting the A. Plus, his OW will back off of the R a bit if she thinks you are suspicious to protect him. He will be tap dancing like you won't believe to keep you from finding out and her from leaving. Wouldn't it be nice to cause him a little heartburn after the way he has treated you?

 

I hope you are able to find some way out of this marriage eventually. No human being has the right to treat another human being this way...EVER! My heart is with you odd and I hope this has helped you in some way.

[outofdarkness]

odd, originally I told you that I wouldn't go if I were you, but I have thought about this and have changed my mind. You should definitely go! The one thing that upsets the "apple cart" the most in an A, is the OW having to deal with the reality that her MM is indeed married. It sounds like he is having an A with someone at work. I say go, introduce yourself as his wife and enjoy the festivities. If the OW is there, seeing you and possibly meeting you will make your marriage REAL. That will not bode well for him when he has to deal with her alone. Why make his life easy? He has done nothing to make your life easy what-so-ever! He has you so intimidated right now you can't leave, so make your presence known "as his wife" and make his life as difficult as he is making yours. I think this is one way you can undermine his life without any open reprecussions from him. How can he argue with you about this right? If you are just merely being present as his wife, he cannot say a word without admitting the A. Plus, his OW will back off of the R a bit if she thinks you are suspicious to protect him. He will be tap dancing like you won't believe to keep you from finding out and her from leaving. Wouldn't it be nice to cause him a little heartburn after the way he has treated you?

 

I hope you are able to find some way out of this marriage eventually. No human being has the right to treat another human being this way...EVER! My heart is with you odd and I hope this has helped you in some way.

Thanks to all for the advice...I agree w/ all of you that I should go..Even my Mom says to go...If I can come up w/ the extra $ and all goes ok. w/ our son, then I will go..Those are two biggies..Not excuses, just realities..My H knows this..I don't think he actually thinks that I will ever go when he invites me to these things, he just wants it "on the record" that he has invited his W...

 

Re: Having an A w/ someone at work..I did catch him lying to me about dinner w/ a young subordinate last Summer, but since then, she has moved on to another MM, broken up his M and is now living w/ him in another city...She no longer works at the firm...There could be someone else...Most of these girls are hired to coordinate and oversee the details of conferences, week long classes, etc..I'm sure they have a formal title, but I'm not sure what it is...They LOOK for MM, and most of them succeed in causing at least some trouble...So, IDK...what he's told the people he works w/ including the women...I really don't want to know what sort of web he weaved back before D day....I'd rather stay away from it...It's embarrassing, and I can't see having a half way decent time if I'm paranoid and feeling unattractive and whispered about...No, I don't think people sit around and think about me all day, but office gossip is rampant, and I don't want any part of it...None the less, I will consider going if possible..

 

My family is top priority right now...Thanks again for the advice and support!

[Cliche]

Thanks to all for the advice...I agree w/ all of you that I should go..Even my Mom says to go...If I can come up w/ the extra $ and all goes ok. w/ our son, then I will go..Those are two biggies..Not excuses, just realities..My H knows this..I don't think he actually thinks that I will ever go when he invites me to these things, he just wants it "on the record" that he has invited his W...

 

Funny, the topic of ending an M without money just came up between me and my roommate tonight. She told me about how she didn't have access to their account when she left, and I told her that I literally had -$230 in the bank when I kicked H out and I had to beg my daycare provider to let me cover the check once I got things straightened out, while still allowing them to stay there (thank goodness for mostly good people in this world).

 

Have you ever heard the concept of "crazy-making," ODD? I could be wrong, but I wonder if that is one of your biggest obstacles to understanding what you see before you and, ultimately, standing in your way of action.

[Sweet Surrender]

Why would you block me? I gave you my thoughts? They weren't irrational or nasty.

[outofdarkness]

Funny, the topic of ending an M without money just came up between me and my roommate tonight. She told me about how she didn't have access to their account when she left, and I told her that I literally had -$230 in the bank when I kicked H out and I had to beg my daycare provider to let me cover the check once I got things straightened out, while still allowing them to stay there (thank goodness for mostly good people in this world).

 

Have you ever heard the concept of "crazy-making," ODD? I could be wrong, but I wonder if that is one of your biggest obstacles to understanding what you see before you and, ultimately, standing in your way of action.

nope, never heard of crazy making, but it makes sense..Thanks for the post!

[2sunny]

ood

 

did he go? and have you been in touch at all since he left?

[Impudent Oyster]

but I smell a rat.

 

If he's staying over on Friday night (no one has meetings after 4:00 on Friday, NO ONE), then it's his choice, and he wants to do something Friday night.

 

Let's see, if surprising him is out of the question, can you at least show up at the airport to pick him up? You might see who he's returning with, or you might find out that he really did return Friday evening but spent the night somewhere else. Maybe he flew back Friday then spent the night with OW? At least call the hotel to confirm that he's still there...forget his cell phone, call the hotel directly and ask for his room. If he left they'll tell you he checked out.

 

Same thing if he leaves on a Sunday night...are you SURE he's really flying out on Sunday night and not Monday am? Can you register with Orbitz or Expedia with your email address or phone number for flight confirmation? Most call several numbers, emails, to confirm flights. Does he call you from the airport before he takes off and can you hear all the airport noise? There are always announcements in the background of the airport, ALWAYS. It's pretty easy to confirm that that is where he's calling from. Call his cell 40 minutes before his flight allegedly takes off and you should definitely hear airport background noise.

[East of Jupiter]

Funny, the topic of ending an M without money just came up between me and my roommate tonight. She told me about how she didn't have access to their account when she left, and I told her that I literally had -$230 in the bank when I kicked H out and I had to beg my daycare provider to let me cover the check once I got things straightened out, while still allowing them to stay there (thank goodness for mostly good people in this world).

 

Have you ever heard the concept of "crazy-making," ODD? I could be wrong, but I wonder if that is one of your biggest obstacles to understanding what you see before you and, ultimately, standing in your way of action.

 

OOD's situation is very close to my own only I am a few years ahead.

 

In my eperience that is precisely what it is... "crazy-making" But I know it as gas lighting.

 

It is very confusing and it has taken me a long while to break through.

 

OOD, my husband's job sounds very close to yours.

 

The ladies can be very aggressive. I remember one time they were insisting he go out drinking with them after training but he refused (after DD no way he would) so he was dubbed a "fuddy duddy." Peer pressure in middle age! What a world.

 

Found out that later that night, one of the young, handsome and recently engaged men dissapeared. Two of the co-workers went looking for him and found him in his car with one of the young ladies (and I use the term losely) was performing an oral act. They could see them through the window. How nice.

 

I attended the next function and the handsome guy was with his now wife. The BJ girl (as she came to be known) spent a lot of time flirting with him. He was cool and distant but obviously enjoying the attention. I felt sick to my stomach.

 

Later yet, I found out that whenver they were at a function together, BJ girl would call handsome guy in the middle of the night to offer sex. He was no longer interested and considered her a nasty pest.

 

You are what you eat as they say.

 

We should talk OOD. Feel free to PM me if you would like.

 

By the way, I never felt odd around the co-workers. I have found in my experience that the person they are looking badly at and discussing is the cheater and the tart of the moment.

 

I know those feelings you are having. How we can feel shamed by something disgusting our partner does is incredible. This too shall pass. Usually around the time the anger shows up.

 

Anger was good to me. Sadness made me passive when I needed to be a ball bustah.

[outofdarkness]

but I smell a rat.

 

If he's staying over on Friday night (no one has meetings after 4:00 on Friday, NO ONE), then it's his choice, and he wants to do something Friday night.

 

Let's see, if surprising him is out of the question, can you at least show up at the airport to pick him up? You might see who he's returning with, or you might find out that he really did return Friday evening but spent the night somewhere else. Maybe he flew back Friday then spent the night with OW? At least call the hotel to confirm that he's still there...forget his cell phone, call the hotel directly and ask for his room. If he left they'll tell you he checked out.

 

Same thing if he leaves on a Sunday night...are you SURE he's really flying out on Sunday night and not Monday am? Can you register with Orbitz or Expedia with your email address or phone number for flight confirmation? Most call several numbers, emails, to confirm flights. Does he call you from the airport before he takes off and can you hear all the airport noise? There are always announcements in the background of the airport, ALWAYS. It's pretty easy to confirm that that is where he's calling from. Call his cell 40 minutes before his flight allegedly takes off and you should definitely hear airport background noise.

Hi, thanks for all the info..ALL of the feedback that I'm getting tells me that there is absolutely NO reason that he would be staying for business on a Fri. night..As far as Sunday, this seems to be up in the air...Re: Airplane noises...Sometimes I hear them and sometimes I don't..Re: Calling his hotel instead of cell..I have only done this a few times just post D day..I guess I need to do it every now and then at random times..I am truly sick and tired of being a babysitter and detective..It just feeds his addiction..Re: some of the travel sites like Expedia..That's a great idea, had not thought of that...I will definately call his cell about 40 minutes before his said, "departure" to listen for airport noises..Thanks for the advice..

[Impudent Oyster]

..I am truly sick and tired of being a babysitter and detective..

 

I understand that, but you also have to reassure yourself that you are not crazy, that you aren't seeing things that aren't there, this is for you, not him.

 

Sometimes you just have to have some hard evidence so you know you're not losing your mind.

 

Trust me, I've been there and have long since gotten over the detective stage, but it needs to be done for YOUR piece of mind.

 

It won't be like this forever, regardless of the outcome. Just know that you aren't alone, if I think of any other tips I'll post.

[outofdarkness]

OOD's situation is very close to my own only I am a few years ahead.

 

In my eperience that is precisely what it is... "crazy-making" But I know it as gas lighting.

 

It is very confusing and it has taken me a long while to break through.

 

OOD, my husband's job sounds very close to yours.

 

The ladies can be very aggressive. I remember one time they were insisting he go out drinking with them after training but he refused (after DD no way he would) so he was dubbed a "fuddy duddy." Peer pressure in middle age! What a world.

 

Found out that later that night, one of the young, handsome and recently engaged men dissapeared. Two of the co-workers went looking for him and found him in his car with one of the young ladies (and I use the term losely) was performing an oral act. They could see them through the window. How nice.

 

I attended the next function and the handsome guy was with his now wife. The BJ girl (as she came to be known) spent a lot of time flirting with him. He was cool and distant but obviously enjoying the attention. I felt sick to my stomach.

 

Later yet, I found out that whenver they were at a function together, BJ girl would call handsome guy in the middle of the night to offer sex. He was no longer interested and considered her a nasty pest.

 

You are what you eat as they say.

 

We should talk OOD. Feel free to PM me if you would like.

 

By the way, I never felt odd around the co-workers. I have found in my experience that the person they are looking badly at and discussing is the cheater and the tart of the moment.

 

I know those feelings you are having. How we can feel shamed by something disgusting our partner does is incredible. This too shall pass. Usually around the time the anger shows up.

 

Anger was good to me. Sadness made me passive when I needed to be a ball bustah.

Yes, I would love to PM you! It would be nice to chat w/ someone who has been in a similar situation..I DID go to all of the co. functions when we were younger and our kids were little..He was with a different co., but traveled quite a bit and everything was always very high end..I am well aware of how aggressive some of the W can be in this industry as well as just in general at the conferences, etc...I have seen it with my own eyes, and also, I don't mean this to be cutting but one only needs to read some not all but some of the posts on OW to see this...Aggressive is an understatement...Yes, it takes two to tango, and I know these MM can and DO say no, at least some, but it does make it difficult when there is alcohol and aggressive women abound...

 

I do know that people can be very gossipy and that the "loose" women and lack of morals amoung some of these men can make it easy, but I have also lived the horror of being married to someone who is very well respected and has an impeccable reputation around our town, and LIVING with someone who is the total opposite...Being as well respected and upstanding as he and his family are in our community, it was/is VERY easy for him to say really disturbing things about myself and our son in order to get the sympathy and/or cover to stay in his addiction..It's part of the game...It's the thrill of the chase! Sex addicts live for that sort of thing..What I'm finally getting at is that my H said many things to his OW's and who knows who else that presented me and our kids in an "unflattering" way...AND that is really a tame way to put it! So, because of the above, people believe him..! I hope that isn't too confusing..I can think it very clearly, but sometimes have trouble putting it into words.

[East of Jupiter]

Yes, I would love to PM you! It would be nice to chat w/ someone who has been in a similar situation..I DID go to all of the co. functions when we were younger and our kids were little..He was with a different co., but traveled quite a bit and everything was always very high end..I am well aware of how aggressive some of the W can be in this industry as well as just in general at the conferences, etc...I have seen it with my own eyes, and also, I don't mean this to be cutting but one only needs to read some not all but some of the posts on OW to see this...Aggressive is an understatement...Yes, it takes two to tango, and I know these MM can and DO say no, at least some, but it does make it difficult when there is alcohol and aggressive women abound...

 

You know it's been long enough to where I can laugh at some things. The most aggressive woman with him was a co-worker he could not stand! bahahahaha! I mean she was incredible! Called him during OUR VACATION because she had a computer problem. Would constantly grab him (he hates that) and well, she wasn't very attractive in a tranny kind of way. You weren't sure at first glance if she was a masculine woman or a wimpy guy.

 

I do know that people can be very gossipy and that the "loose" women and lack of morals amoung some of these men can make it easy, but I have also lived the horror of being married to someone who is very well respected and has an impeccable reputation around our town, and LIVING with someone who is the total opposite...Being as well respected and upstanding as he and his family are in our community, it was/is VERY easy for him to say really disturbing things about myself and our son in order to get the sympathy and/or cover to stay in his addiction..It's part of the game...It's the thrill of the chase! Sex addicts live for that sort of thing..What I'm finally getting at is that my H said many things to his OW's and who knows who else that presented me and our kids in an "unflattering" way...AND that is really a tame way to put it! So, because of the above, people believe him..! I hope that isn't too confusing..I can think it very clearly, but sometimes have trouble putting it into words.

 

This Mr. Wonderful is your husband now? Is he real nice to you but nice to everyone else? Or is he "Mr. Perfect" all the time?

 

On her way out my door last weekend my mother was gushing about my husband. He's so wonderful! He's perfect! You are so lucky. He is one of a kind. This is pretty much what everyone thinks of my husband.

 

That trannie I mentioned? That's what she told me when I first met her. "You have a great husband." Yeah, a huh. She thought this, no doubt, because he refused her advances. The kind of woman that takes that as a challenge (yeah, yeah OW board material). She got worse after she met me. I think she expected some fat, ugly woman. It was like now she had to figure out what this man had to attract a woman like me. She commented on my nails, my hair, my makeup all the way to how I had coordinated our formal wear for the function.

 

As was with my husband's OW, it always felt it was more about them wanting to be me and live my life than him. If that makes sense. Not like they had any clue about me, my home, my life, my marriage.

 

"If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, Why am I in the Pits?" Loved Erma Bombeck.

 

They would have hated my life!