My Wife found out about me

[Tomcat33]

She called and I answered. Out of guilt maybe, or maybe something else. I lead her to believe I'd marry her and in effect shattered her dreams, so I figured I owed her human decency

 

I then did what I know I should NOT have done

 

I went over to check on her, make her a coffee, and try to talk sense to her

 

I told her that it wasn't that I didnt care about her, but that my life was with my family and I had to put them first instead of myself. I told her that she would meet somebody who could put her first, and that I wouldn't matter anymore

 

 

 

W is right but I felt responsible for making OW into this state

 

This is going to be a LONG road...

 

Matt

 

 

Well Matty I knew there was more to your side as far as what you may have said to the OW in the heat of the moment, given most MM do say a LOT of things and make a LOT of empty promises that they are just not in the place to make. Hinesight is a great thing isn't it...

Earlier on in this thread I was asking that you empathise with the OW and be upfront with her because I knew there was more. It was not a one sided rel. it took the two of you to get to the point it did. And quite frankly you can't blame your OW for being upset. It may have been too soon to make the kinds of advances you did (verbally speaking) but nonetheless they were made and this is the consecuence of those actions.

 

I know it's easy for your W to say let her kill herself but it would be you who would live with that on your conscience, I don't expect your W to understand that but I do understand your concern.

 

HAving said that, you are not responsible for a person's life. If they choose to take their life it is their choice, and there really isn't much you can do to stop someone given that she may try to manipulate you. But until she is more clear headed and can fend for herself in a healthier way I am afraid that is the cross you have to bear, the uncertianty of will she or not. You didn't know this woman much and you are now finding out she is capable of something so extreme, I am sure it messes with your emotions especially to know she is so unstable.

 

I think she might just need to have you there for a bit be it in attention until she can accept the reality of the situation it sounds like she is no where near acceptance and I am not sure how you are going to deal with that but you most definitely have a full plate on your hands.

 

'What amazes me is how many men think that when they are done with the OW they think that she will vanish into thin air, and move aside so that he can continue on with his life. Sometimes it does not happen that way, in fact it just prompts the OW to want them even more. These are all things to consider when getting involved with somenone outside of the marriage, not trying to regurtitate the obvious but you will really need to find a balance in how you will handle both women. And you unfortunately are responsible for her state to a certian degree because you did lead her on, contrary to what you W might think in that trite comment of "She knew what she was getting into" that's not true, if you had told the OW right from the get go she would get dumped in three months and that you would never leave your W the OW prob woould not have gotten involved with you, and that's the bottom line. It was your rel and it was your doings that got you to where you are today.

 

Most people in normal rels. wait a long time before they can make certain promises about commitments that are meant to happen after a long time of two people getting to know one another, Im afraid you may have jumped the gun a bit and spoke way to soon. You might want to let your W know just how far you have gone so that she understands the severity of your actions. Most BSs see the A a fling where all that happened was some skanky sex in the back seat of a car, they tend to dismiss the emotional rel aspect of and the complexity of the tie. The reality is that your A was a lot more than that. Something your W prob has no clue about.

[mattym]

She's spent the weekend alone from what she was telling me, and all the friends she'd called were out with their partners or families

 

Her family live a long way away and I was out trying to do nice things with my W & kids for the day. We'd had a great time if I'm honest, then I saw her again and those old feelings of doubt reappeared

 

OW said that it ws ok for me, I had kids and always had things to do. She doesn't have that and her life sucks and she sat around the house like an old person

 

She had a termination a few years back so I almost felt like saying she could have had the whole kids thing, but chose not to

[mattym]

I think, now, LJ's prediction of the manipulative actions your OW would use on you have come to pass, and you have fallen for each one: you are still focused on OW even though your wife is making it very clear that your marriage is hanging by a thread.

 

Your wife can see that you are being manipulated. Everyone here can see it. Why can't you? Why continue to put your marriage in even more jeopardy?

 

Believe me, your wife sees the attention you are paying to OW. Every moment you spend on OW now will be remembered by your wife, and she will resent it. Don't give her even MORE cause to kick you out.

 

Yes, i know, you are right. I am being manipulated, and I guess OW has a glimmer of hope that we'll work it out everytime I speak to her

 

I have feelings for the girl, and wish her no harm, but I also know that I risking my whole life on someone I've only known a short while and that is madness.

 

I have manipulated her though, by telling her what she wanted to hear, so that I could get what I wanted. i have been selfish and felt that maybe a little compassion now toward her would go someway to repaying that

[Tomcat33]

The word was "hindsight"not hinesight my fingers slipped LOL

 

 

I have manipulated her though, by telling her what she wanted to hear, so that I could get what I wanted. i have been selfish and felt that maybe a little compassion now toward her would go someway to repaying that

 

 

EXACTLY this is exactly what I was getting at, and thank you for admitting that here and accepting your part in the whole ordeal. I am afraid that your actions now have to serve its consecuences, the guilt of not knowing what will happen to this woman is your karma for leading her on as you did. What a horrible predicament to be in Mat, I feel for you.

[whichwayisup]

I have feelings for the girl, and wish her no harm, but I also know that I risking my whole life on someone I've only known a short while and that is madness.

 

And this is why you need to cut it off NOW and get into NC with her.

 

Honestly, you're taking too much responsibility for this. YES, you are the married man and yes you didn't and shouldn't have led her on, but she choose to eat it up and let her emotions take over too. She's not a kid either...She is responsible for her part in this so don't take that on as well.

 

You don't know her and now she's playing you like a fiddle - Waiting for reaction...Don't give her any reaction, just focus on your wife.

 

NOW that she knows it's over, any fantasy she has as of now, that you two will work out is in her own head.

[mattym]

Was talking to my W earlier, saying how I loved her. My W said ' i just want to be your priority' - I told her she was and she said ' but your head is always busy' , which is true as I just keep thinking about everything all the time

 

I told me W she was right not to feel sympathetic towards OW, but that I had lied to both of them and felt responsible.

 

My Wife has amazed me at her clarity and her composure through all this, and was actually trying to HELP me! I truly don't deserve her. she said

' Look, this woman is 30, not 19. Yes you lied to her, like a typical MM, but if she had any self-respect she should have said ' ok when you're not with your wife, maybe things can happen. Instead she got into bed with you. Even if you left me for her, how could she ever trust you to not stray? She wants a family life, but she wants it with MY kids, and that makes me angry'

[Tomcat33]

Honestly, you're taking too much responsibility for this. YES, you are the married man and yes you didn't and shouldn't have led her on, but she choose to eat it up and let her emotions take over too. She's not a kid either...She is responsible for her part in this so don't take that on as well.

 

 

 

Ahh no he is taking ther responisbilty that is due. He lead her on he is facing up to that.

 

It amazes me how many cold answers come back telling him to basically wash his hands of the whole thing, that is so cold!

 

Why doesn't his W back off she chose to eat up his lies about why it happened, what kind of advices is that?

And his W is not a kid either, is she is just as adult as the OW than she should understand the severity of his involvement with this OW.

 

All the advice given to brush off the OW can just as easily be given to brush off the W. C'mon!

[Tomcat33]

My Wife has amazed me at her clarity and her composure through all this, and was actually trying to HELP me! I truly don't deserve her. she said

' Look, this woman is 30, not 19. Yes you lied to her, like a typical MM, but if she had any self-respect she should have said ' ok when you're not with your wife, maybe things can happen. Instead she got into bed with you. Even if you left me for her, how could she ever trust you to not stray? She wants a family life, but she wants it with MY kids, and that makes me angry'

 

Really? where is your Ws self respect when she took you back?

Ahh the same way your W trusts you won't stray again after knowing you already are well capable of it.

 

 

Looks like you are bieng manipulated from both ends.

[mattym]

Really? where is your Ws self respect when she took you back?

Ahh the same way your W trusts you won't stray again after knowing you already are well capable of it.

 

 

Looks like you are bieng manipulated from both ends.

 

oh i don't know if that's fair tomcat- I'm not sure I could have forgiven her if it were the other way around, but boy am i glad she did!

[Tomcat33]

oh i don't know if that's fair tomcat- I'm not sure I could have forgiven her if it were the other way around, but boy am i glad she did!

 

 

Exactly, is she in any sate to ask why the OW doesn't have any self respect to back off quietly? your W took you back that doesn't say much for self respect either. I am not saying she should not be appreciated for putitng up with the betrayal that's between you and her, but for her to use the self respect card on your doesn't really such much about her now does it?

[norajane]

oh i don't know if that's fair tomcat- I'm not sure I could have forgiven her if it were the other way around, but boy am i glad she did!

 

Your wife has NOT forgiven you. You need to understand that she may have chosen to TRY to forgive you, but she will not be able to forgive for a long time...and may never forgive you if you continue as you're doing.

 

When your wife says she needs to be your top priority, she means she will not stay with you unless you pay more attention to saving your marriage than you do saving your OW.

 

You really have to get this before your wife decides she tried and cannot forgive you because you are not working to save your marriage.

[norajane]

Ahh no he is taking ther responisbilty that is due. He lead her on he is facing up to that.

 

It amazes me how many cold answers come back telling him to basically wash his hands of the whole thing, that is so cold!

 

Why doesn't his W back off she chose to eat up his lies about why it happened, what kind of advices is that?

And his W is not a kid either, is she is just as adult as the OW than she should understand the severity of his involvement with this OW.

 

All the advice given to brush off the OW can just as easily be given to brush off the W. C'mon!

 

Come on...any woman who is suicidal after 3 months of relationship - regardless of what transpired in the relationship - needs therapy, not further contact with the lover in question.

[whichwayisup]

Ahh no he is taking ther responisbilty that is due. He lead her on he is facing up to that.

 

It amazes me how many cold answers come back telling him to basically wash his hands of the whole thing, that is so cold!

 

Why doesn't his W back off she chose to eat up his lies about why it happened, what kind of advices is that?

And his W is not a kid either, is she is just as adult as the OW than she should understand the severity of his involvement with this OW.

 

All the advice given to brush off the OW can just as easily be given to brush off the W. C'mon!

 

Bottomline TC - What his wife feels and thinks is MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than the OW. Sorry you can't see that and honestly, WHY should HE take responsibility for the OW's part TOO? He is and has owned up to his part in the affair. The OW is NOT a victim. His wife is. She's been nothing but loving, and supportive and obviously is a good woman. You need to put down his wife, then do it, but I personally think that's uncalled for.

[Tomcat33]

Come on...any woman who is suicidal after 3 months of relationship - regardless of what transpired in the relationship - needs therapy, not further contact with the lover in question.

 

Oh being sucidal after two years is ok then?

 

Clearly she has HUGE issues, that Mat did not know of given how little time he has spent with her, but that's neither here not there now the reality is he DId get involved with her and he lead her on without knowing how unstable she was of without wanting to know, and he made certain promises for his own selfish needs. Knowing now that she is completely unstable is only going to complicate his fantasy of disposing of the OW quietely when he was done with her. By the sounds of it he knew he would be done with her sonner or later. And the fact that he is not a complete monster and is actually concerned for her and for what he did actually shows he is not such a monster afterall.

 

but of course according to you all he should pull a woody allen holliwood movie move and have her killed so that the movie cna end in an a happy way, so that he can no concentrate on the woman he JUST NOW realised he really cares about.

 

Some of the advice on this site just makes me laugh. Hypocricy doesn't sease to amaze me.

 

The fact is he recognizes what he did wrong and he is trying to own up to it even in a small way and everyone is advicing him to ignore what he did so that he can focus on his W. Ther reality is that until he can be certain that the OW will be ok he will NOT be able to focus on his W. The W is already complaining about how his head is elsewhere and that won't go away any time soon, no matter how hard he tries.

 

But heck we do live in a socitey where problems are to be brushed under the carpet and not spoken of in order to live up to appearances...because diplomatic anesthetesized cadence is so much more acceptable than rectifying mistakes even if it means putting our own selfishness aside.

 

Everyone has an agenda, and it looks like both the W and Matt will be able to cater to it. The OW can literally drop dead. Pfffft. What a joke.

[Tomcat33]

Bottomline TC - What his wife feels and thinks is MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than the OW. Sorry you can't see that and honestly, WHY should HE take responsibility for the OW's part TOO? He is and has owned up to his part in the affair. The OW is NOT a victim. His wife is. She's been nothing but loving, and supportive and obviously is a good woman. You need to put down his wife, then do it, but I personally think that's uncalled for.

 

 

Bottom line he lied to her and lead her on. you should understand that more than anyone being a native North America, if you order something from a retail outlet and are mislead the retailer takes responsibility for misleading you and you DEMAND your money back, it's avery basic pricnicpal our society is built on.

 

As you said, she chose to buy his lies, nontheless she bought them for something they were not.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah and you can't give matt any advice without putting down his wife! You have NO sympathy for her at all!

 

Really? where is your Ws self respect when she took you back?

Ahh the same way your W trusts you won't stray again after knowing you already are well capable of it.

 

Geez TC.....

 

Looks like you are bieng manipulated from both ends.

 

The OW now doesn't count as Matt has decided to work on his marriage. I'm sorry you are taking this so personally and getting upset TC.

[whichwayisup]

Bottom line he lied to her and lead her on. you should understand that more than anyone being a native North America, if you order something from a retail outlet and are mislead the retailer takes responsibility for misleading you and you DEMAND your money back, it's avery basic pricnicpal our society is built on.

 

As you said, she chose to buy his lies, nontheless she bought them for something they were not.

 

Nice comparison...We aren't talking about buying products...The two are completely different TC and you're grabbing straws...

 

The OW played her part just as much as he did in the affair and they both got burned. Now, they both need to suck it up, get over it and go on.

 

He gets burned as he led her on, she gets burned for knowingly going into an affair with a happily married man. HE did tell her that ALL along, so that part wasn't a lie...She pushed for them to be married, so she could be step mom to his kids and he just never said anything to stop her fantasy....

[norajane]

Oh being sucidal after two years is ok then?

 

Clearly she has HUGE issues, that Mat did not know of given how little time he has spent with her, but that's neither here not there now the reality is he DId get involved with her and he lead her on without knowing how unstable she was of without wanting to know, and he made certain promises for his own selfish needs. Knowing now that she is completely unstable is only going to complicate his fantasy of disposing of the OW quietely when he was done with her. By the sounds of it he knew he would be done with her sonner or later. And the fact that he is not a complete monster and is actually concerned for her and for what he did actually shows he is not such a monster afterall.

 

but of course according to you all he should pull a woody allen holliwood movie move and have her killed so that the movie cna end in an a happy way, so that he can no concentrate on the woman he JUST NOW realised he really cares about.

 

Some of the advice on this site just makes me laugh. Hypocricy doesn't sease to amaze me.

 

The fact is he recognizes what he did wrong and he is trying to own up to it even in a small way and everyone is advicing him to ignore what he did so that he can focus on his W. Ther reality is that until he can be certain that the OW will be ok he will NOT be able to focus on his W. The W is already complaining about how his head is elsewhere and that won't go away any time soon, no matter how hard he tries.

 

But heck we do live in a socitey where problems are to be brushed under the carpet and not spoken of in order to live up to appearances...because diplomatic anesthetesized cadence is so much more acceptable than rectifying mistakes even if it means putting our own selfishness aside.

 

Everyone has an agenda, and it looks like both the W and Matt will be able to cater to it. The OW can literally drop dead. Pfffft. What a joke.

 

OW is not going to drop dead, nor is she going to try to commit suicide. It's a ploy to capture his attention, and oh boy, is it working!

 

Encouraging the little drama queen OW in her drama will not help her.

[Tomcat33]

As his W is chosing to by his words that he is ready to focus on the marriage. But the reality is he is NOT ready to do that but does not have the guts to let his W know that because he is about to lose her, so continue the lies. His W is chosing to eat up his lies that he is ready to focus and he is showing otherwise, so we can say the say thing about her, if MAt is not ready to replenish the marriage until he has closed the chapter on the OW then the W should stop being a victim and face up to what she has. But of course it's all based on lies ven his coming back to truly work on the marriage is based on lies so really the W is not different than the OW, she is "eating up what is being sold to her too" She's a big girl if he is not delivering kick him, she won't most BSs dont' have the balls to do that, plain and simple. So the play the nicey nice act to keep him around and let him have it for years on end, look at the threads in this forum marriages post A, years after the fact the W is still dragging the guy through the coals, but that's ok because he lied to the W, the lies to the OW don't count because she is not human right?

 

LOL

[whichwayisup]

LOL TC, your bitterness towards the BS's is showing...Funny how what you are doing right now is exactly what upsets and pisses you off in the OM/OW forum...

[Tomcat33]

OW is not going to drop dead, nor is she going to try to commit suicide. It's a ploy to capture his attention, and oh boy, is it working!

 

Encouraging the little drama queen OW in her drama will not help her.

 

 

I am not encouraging any drama queen. In fact if his OW would come on here I would have some very sound words for her to get ger life back and move on in a healthy way, if I could help her move on I would.

 

What I am encouraging is a man who was selfish and used TWO women to his benefit who has also now come to terms with his despicable actions and hence is taking responsibility for what he OWES both women. Plain and simple.

 

The fact all you BSs feel he owes nothing to the OW when the MM is telling you here in plain english he feels he does, is another story and worth psychoanilizing to get to the bottom of why you would fail to see that HUGE PINK elephant in the room.

 

But hey that's just what I see.

[whichwayisup]

I am not encouraging any drama queen. In fact if his OW would come on here I would have some very sound words for her to get ger life back and move on in a healthy way, if I could help her move on I would.

 

Really? Because honestly, sometimes the way you talk, it seems if given the chance, you'd try to push Matt to choose the OW over his wife...

[Tomcat33]

LOL TC, your bitterness towards the BS's is showing...Funny how what you are doing right now is exactly what upsets and pisses you off in the OM/OW forum...

 

 

Not at all you are comparing apples and oranges.

 

I am just going on what Mat is saying here, he feels bad and he should. I am just reinfocing what he says is feeling, I won't jump on the brush it off ban wagon neither towards his OW or his W.

 

If I play devil's advocate to the BS comments is beacuse the BS comments are totally slanted towards treating the OW like she is a grown woman who should take FULL responsibility for being lied two, I am simply trying to demonstrate the same can be applied to the W, if it is that cut and dry, she should also face the music and deal with the sitiuation and face up to fact that her H is not who she thought he was. But we all know it is NOT that simple, why should it be that simple for the OW, she is an adult just as the W is why the double standard?

[norajane]

I am not encouraging any drama queen. In fact if his OW would come on here I would have some very sound words for her to get ger life back and move on in a healthy way, if I could help her move on I would.

 

What I am encouraging is a man who was selfish and used TWO women to his benefit who has also now come to terms with his despicable actions and hence is taking responsibility for what he OWES both women. Plain and simple.

 

The fact all you BSs feel he owes nothing to the OW when the MM is telling you here in plain english he feels he does, is another story and worth psychoanilizing to get to the bottom of why you would fail to see that HUGE PINK elephant in the room.

 

But hey that's just what I see.

 

How is his continually going back to her whenever she cries going to help her?

 

He wanted to tell her in person that this was over, and she blew him off. Then she created drama by saying she was sick. Now she's crying suicide. What will she do next? If he keeps going back to see her, she's going to continue doing something to get his attention, instead of accepting that it's over and moving on.

 

It was three months, not the love affair of a century.

 

Now, she's saying she wants his wife's phone number so she can talk to her. What do you think she's going to say to his wife? How much more drama will OW create if matty actually is foolish enough to give her his wife's number?

 

The best thing is to for MM to tell her he's done and go no contact. Otherwise, the OW will not move on because she will continue to create more drama. Everything she's done so far indicates she will do that.

[whichwayisup]

why should it be that simple for the OW, she is an adult just as the W is why the double standard?

 

UHHH HELLO? Cuz that's his wife? TC, his wife is a special person. She chose to forgive him, to give him a chance to make it right...He's in process of doing this and yeah, it will a rollercoaster ride for a while...She has the patience? Good for her!

 

FACT that he was OPEN AND HONEST with his wife about the OW and all that she's pulling right now, is A GOOD THING. Give her credit for that.