My Wife found out about me

[norajane]

Later that night I met with a friend and chatted to him. I felt as though a weight had lifted off me, and that I was actually 'in control' for the first time in months

 

Oh, and why are you going out after work with your friend instead of going home to spend time with your wife and children? Don't you think your wife needs you? Don't you realilize she was agonizing at home wondering what had transpired between you and OW today, while you were off chatting it up with your friend?

 

And why are you allowed to talk to your friends about this, while your wife must keep silent and not tell either her friends or family in order to PROTECT you?

[East of Jupiter]

 

I'm still thinking of OW, not always with misty eyes, but if I'm brutally honest, I LOVED the attention of 2 women, and in these thoughtful moments entertain thoughts of 'what would life have been like with her?' - she always talks about how she loves kids and how she'd love mine as much as any we ever had together. I know myself that you never love anyone else's kids like your own. If I saw OW with another man, I guess I'd feeljealous- does that mean I love her? I dunno

 

Here is one for you champ, since you seem to still be mostly focused on you, a dose of reality.

 

You screw this up and you will be watching your children with a step-daddy in the future.

 

Like I should have to point that out! Silly obvious kind of stuff.

 

I'm glad you were honest with your wife. That was the best thing you could have done. It sounds like your heads are getting sunlight again.

 

Affairyland is fun and exciting but it can only grow in the dark, covered in manure. An emotional mushroom it is. ( I think Yoda said that )

 

Keep up the good work. Why don't you try and do something nice for your wife every time the OW pops (ahem) in your head? Go peck her on the forehead -- most of us love this if done tenderly and it feels less desperate than a make out session right after DD (that may just be me!). If you are not at home give her a call to hear her voice or leave a nice message. I also discourage buying guilt gifts. Those don't always go over too well.

 

You can turn a negative into a positive. Oh yes you can. You may not want to, but you can. It's a choice Matt. The more good choices you make the stronger you will become and the better you will feel about yourself. In turn, your wife will feel better too.

 

Aloha! Off to Tropicama as my dad used to say (RIP dad).

[sandim]

Thanks Sandi - truth is I feel like sh*t for upsetting her, especiall if she is genuinely ill. Her text about 'revenge' made me feel bad- as if I'd be pleased that she's ill???!

Matt,

She isn't ill. That was an attempt to lay a lot of guilt on you for daring to be upset with her and not responding to her other attempts. The anger, the apology, the how are you, and then finally, I didn't sleep and it's all your fault and now I am so upset..... It's bull and that's all it is.

Of course, you are supposed to feel guilty. You didn't respond the way she thought you would, and now that will be your fault again. Because you obviously didn't care enough about her to go running to make sure that she was okay....

Listen Matt, and you can take this for what it's worth......if you respond in any way to her, you are keeping the door open. I don't care if she calls to ask you about the weather report, you need to hang up the phone, walk away, or close the door. If you don't, you are giving her the impression that there is a chance, however slim that you will change your mind.

I know that you think closure is something that you need to give her, or yourself but the truth is that closure is not something that someone else gives you, it is something that you give yourself. It is not a necessary component to life or to a relationship, it is a means to keep communicating. The truth is that there isn't a good reason as to why this happened, and you can't give her or yourself one. So what is there to be closed. You told her that you would be staying with your wife, trying to repair the damage you have done......that is the closure that you needed to give her and yourself. Done, finished.....

I hope you can start giving to your wife and to your children again now.....it is one thing that you can start doing to put your head back into the place that it belongs, not worrying about the OW or how she is doing, but how your wife and children are doing. Every time you start thinking about OW, call your wife and tell her that you love her.....

Start there.

Sandi

[Trialbyfire]

Yep, i think I'm mixed up - pathetic at my age

So...what are you going to do about it beyond stating it?

 

Btw, have you reread your interaction with the OW? She sounds like a little girl. I'll bet her lower lip was stuck out petulantly when she wrote the comment about being sick and needing to go to the doctor. I mean really. And this is the woman who you want to expose your children to? Perhaps they can all sit side by side and pout together while you make dinner and do the laundry.

 

That you felt horrible about such a ridiculous comment and you're putting your wife through hell, without as much remorse? Look hard at your manhood. Where's the man?

[luvstarved]

Matt, I think if you really read what is being written to you instead of dwelling in your mind about what you are giving up and whether you have chosen the right woman...you would realize that many of us here have experienced this from one side or the other (and for the record, my experience has been from your same side), you are not special, this is not an unusual case, there aren't extenuating circumstances that make your deceit and betrayal any more justifiable than any other philanderer.

 

You've said you used to slam people who cheated. Why? Because their behavior is reprehensible and shameful and entirely selfish.

 

I pulled the same stuff in my youth, having someone in the wings before I ended a relationship. Eventually, I was alone for a while. Maybe that woke me up.

 

Anyway, you might think that you're a well-intentioned confused guy who just fell victim to his desires and needed something exciting in his life, etc. Welcome to the club.

 

Do you think that society would view your case as different? Think about what your children's day care providers would think, your doctor, wife's family, etc.

 

I think that once the sense of shame kicks in, and it will if you do have any redeeming qualities, you will realize that there is nothing there for you with the OW and all this mental masturbation over her is about justifying your desires to not have to give her up.

 

You've not spoken of any qualities she has that would make her sound like a candidate for an LTR. None. And her behavior now is typical as hell too.

 

Quit kidding yourself that this situation is different and start working on the 3 R's with your wife: Remorse, Respect, Repair.

[silktricks]

Thanks Sandi - truth is I feel like sh*t for upsetting her, especiall if she is genuinely ill. Her text about 'revenge' made me feel bad- as if I'd be pleased that she's ill???!

 

You just don't get it, Matt. She wants you to be thinking about her. In any form. And you are doing exactly that. Tell me, how does your wife feel? Is she sick? Is she well? Where is her focus? Is it on herself or on you?

[JamesM]

 

Listen Matt, and you can take this for what it's worth......if you respond in any way to her, you are keeping the door open. I don't care if she calls to ask you about the weather report, you need to hang up the phone, walk away, or close the door. If you don't, you are giving her the impression that there is a chance, however slim that you will change your mind.

 

I know that you think closure is something that you need to give her, or yourself but the truth is that closure is not something that someone else gives you, it is something that you give yourself.

 

You told her that you would be staying with your wife, trying to repair the damage you have done......that is the closure that you needed to give her and yourself. Done, finished.....

 

Every time you start thinking about OW, call your wife and tell her that you love her.....

 

Sandi

 

These are some wise words. (Not that the ones I took out weren't. ) I think this says it simply.

 

We guys seem to think that we can fix every woman's problems. Unfortunately, we cannot. And when WE caused them, we can't expect to walk away feeling good in this kind of situation. As has been said before, the OW is a big girl...she will survive. She will find another man.

 

Inside of you is this feeling that says, "I want her to respect and love me yet. I do not want her to hat me. And I still want that wonderful feeling we had."

 

Repeat after me...."I am married. I have children." The fact remains is that if you want your family to remain intact, you will need to step up and put their feelings first.

 

Truthfully, based on what other stories have been like here, it may already be too late to keep your wife. I think that in the back of your mind, you still have this security that your wife will not leave you.

 

Repeat after me....."My wife has feelings about this affair. She has not resolved them. She is still not sure if she will stay with me."

 

I am not being harsh, I hope. But it is a reality. Your wife has friends telling her that she should leave you. They tell her that you are a cheat and a liar. They tell her that if you cheated once, then you will cheat again. She loves you, but she is afraid of the future. She loves you, but she is afraid she is wasting her time. She wonders if she left now...maybe she could find a man who is honest and faithful.

 

This much I know....you need to follow through with your decision of staying with your wife, or you will be left with only the OW.

[lysne]

Does your wife feel upset? Does your wife sleep through the night? Does your wife feel ill? Does she need to see a doctor?

 

Do you want your wife to respect you? Do you want your wife to love you?

 

Do you want to stay married?

 

Do you have any understanding whatsoever of the pain you have caused?Do you even care?

 

Do you know how to love anyone besides yourself? Do you even want to?

 

Your posts are so breath-taking, sometimes I wonder if you're just winding us up. But they keep coming, one after another... if I am stunned at your capacity for self-absorption, it's a good bet that by this point your wife is too.

 

But she's clearly not the type to sing and dance her emotions, so you won't even know when she's just about had enough. You won't see any of the signs. You'll be left standing there with one foot in the air by the time you even get your first clue that you've lost her, and by that point nothing you can do will change her mind. Wait for it. It might be in 10 days, it might be in 10 years... that day will arrive, and even though we've tried to warn you, you won't see it coming.

[East of Jupiter]

So...what are you going to do about it beyond stating it?

 

Btw, have you reread your interaction with the OW? She sounds like a little girl. I'll bet her lower lip was stuck out petulantly when she wrote the comment about being sick and needing to go to the doctor. I mean really. And this is the woman who you want to expose your children to? Perhaps they can all sit side by side and pout together while you make dinner and do the laundry.

 

That you felt horrible about such a ridiculous comment and you're putting your wife through hell, without as much remorse? Look hard at your manhood. Where's the man?

 

This whole thread has been illustrative of how much more sophisticated women are when it comes to deception.

 

And how easy it is to fool a man.

 

Matt you are acting like a low hanging mango. Easy picking.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks Sandi - truth is I feel like sh*t for upsetting her, especiall if she is genuinely ill. Her text about 'revenge' made me feel bad- as if I'd be pleased that she's ill???!

 

HolyMoly! She has a COLD, not cancer. She ain't dying.

 

I don't know if you've read my other reply to you, or if you just don't feel like answering my question/reply to you - I honestly don't understand why your focus is completely on the OW. What she thinks/feels...It's like what she feels is much more important than what your wife feels/thinks.

 

Hmm, maybe your wife should have kicked you out the house, that way you would be feeling SOME sort of loss from your wife and kids. Right now it seems you are taking full advantage of the fact you're safe and at home. Maybe that is why you are still focussing on the OW.

[East of Jupiter]

 

Your posts are so breath-taking, sometimes I wonder if you're just winding us up. But they keep coming, one after another... if I am stunned at your capacity for self-absorption, it's a good bet that by this point your wife is too.

 

Yes, I've thought the same thing. But while cheating, the human brain really does go on the fritz. I always thought of it as a form temporary psychosis.

 

But he may just be shagging our collective legs (hope you all shaved). Maybe the fantasy is grander than he says. Maybe it's having the attention of a board full of women!

 

But she's clearly not the type to sing and dance her emotions, so you won't even know when she's just about had enough. You won't see any of the signs. You'll be left standing there with one foot in the air by the time you even get your first clue that you've lost her, and by that point nothing you can do will change her mind. Wait for it. It might be in 10 days, it might be in 10 years... that day will arrive, and even though we've tried to warn you, you won't see it coming.

 

This I have seen documented over and over again. By the time the man finally gets that his wife is not happy, the wife already has one foot out the door. (that would be me as well)

 

The wife communicates her needs and asks for help. The husband takes this as nagging, complaining, whining or just being a woman so he ignores her pleas. In turn, the woman eventually stops communicating. The man (dumbasses that so many of them are) takes this as a positive; "she stopped bitching" all things are good. Then one day he finds out that she is either having an affair with someone else, has filed for divorce, or he arrives to an empty home.

 

Now apply that to a cheating situation and your chances of dumphood increases significantly.

[Impudent Oyster]

Admittedly I haven't read all 30 pages, just the OP, but I think Matt should tell his wife he can't stop thinking about OW, whereupon his wife will throw him out and then he will be free to start over with OW who will quickly become as boring as his wife and he can keep repeating the cycle until he has absolutely no respect from the various children he produces with various wives, no money and no pride left.

 

He will, however, be rarely bored.

 

How's that sound?

[East of Jupiter]

Truthfully, based on what other stories have been like here, it may already be too late to keep your wife. I think that in the back of your mind, you still have this security that your wife will not leave you.

 

Repeat after me....."My wife has feelings about this affair. She has not resolved them. She is still not sure if she will stay with me."

 

Brilliant! You are quite correct I believe. Matt thinks he has the luxury to continue acting out because he must think his wife won't leave him.

and he thinks that because he himself is still trapped in his own needs and only thinking about himself and the OW.

 

I am not being harsh, I hope. But it is a reality. Your wife has friends telling her that she should leave you. They tell her that you are a cheat and a liar. They tell her that if you cheated once, then you will cheat again. She loves you, but she is afraid of the future. She loves you, but she is afraid she is wasting her time. She wonders if she left now...maybe she could find a man who is honest and faithful.

 

This much I know....you need to follow through with your decision of staying with your wife, or you will be left with only the OW.[/quote

 

Maybe you will get through to Matt. The thought of leaving starts from the first discovery and does not go away for a very loooooooooooong time. Depends I think at times on the damage done.

 

This is all so elementary. Why I go back to my theory of temporary psychosis/PD.

[fisherfool]

The man who becomes entangled with other woman while married has visor over eyes. Thoughts are enmeshed upon another and confusion is so great. Love of wife is known but love of other seems there evenso. Confusion goes not away for long time even when knowing much. After many months with no seeing of other only then can a man see how he has become someone with no heart for love.

 

Is selfish yes but is also more is feelingof bound by sorcery. Real life and real love are gone for a time of enrapturement in desire of special excitement of heartstrings. After time of no seeing other the heartstrings seem to have been tied into knots by deception of self not for woman but for exciting time of experience.

[whichwayisup]

Matt I hope you are doing okay..And that you come back and post. You're getting alot of good advice, maybe it's alot to deal with at once, but we're all trying to help you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thanks Sandi - truth is I feel like sh*t for upsetting her, especiall if she is genuinely ill. Her text about 'revenge' made me feel bad- as if I'd be pleased that she's ill???!

Do you realize that you've spent as much time posting in this thread about the OW and her feelings as you have posting your wife and her state of mind?

 

Mr. Lucky

[luvstarved]

Do you realize that you've spent as much time posting in this thread about the OW and her feelings as you have posting your wife and her state of mind?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Actually, Mr L, I think it is MORE, by far.

[Sheba]

You'll have to understand that there are many BS's here who provide some great insight into what they went through and will be of great help.

 

But as you can see there are others that are still mad a hell and who use you as their surrogate WS since he/she is probably gone. Those I think you can sefely ignore. You'll get a couple of real loons here.

 

Sorry to respond so late that I may be irrelevant to everyone but myself, however this was posted in response to a post mattym wrote to me, and so I am apparently one of the "loons". Except, of course, for the fact I have never been a BS, nor left by a spouse. I was responding to mattym as I find him, based on his posts. He can't hide behind any WS of mine - there are not any!

 

I will go back to ignoring this pointless thread where one man rambles about his regret at having to give up his second woman and ignores a ton of well-intentioned and worthy advice. Karma will give mattym what he deserves, no doubt.

[cj1988]

Matt, I have read your whole story and it scares me because I think my husband is the same way. I think he has cheated and is still thinking about her all the time, I know he talks to her (long story). He is at home, but not if you know what I mean. I know he loves me but may still feel for her and he hates that about himself. Maybe you can help me, what are the signs he may be in love with her or feel something he cannot shake? He does not see her at all, she comes around very little now....I know my story is crazy.

 

Stay with your wife, the OW will break your heart in the end, she will leave you too. What goes around really does come around.

[mattym]

Hi everyone, things have been very hectic and I've been away from the computer, so thought maybe I'd post an update

 

Well it's a week or so since the whole episode with OW 'I'm not well' etc and things have certainly developed

 

My W is devastated and her moods fluctuate between anger, hurt, suspicion and depression. Ever day she verbally beats me up, and every day I take it, without retaliation, and tell her I'm sorry and that I love her. We're both still here - whether that remains or changes I honestly cannot predict. I believe she WANTS to trust me, so hopefully provided I don't keep screwing up that will happen

 

As for OW, well she's been calling and progressively getting more upset with me in her msgs. I haven't answered

 

Until last night

 

She called and I answered. Out of guilt maybe, or maybe something else. I lead her to believe I'd marry her and in effect shattered her dreams, so I figured I owed her human decency

 

Anyway she'd been drinking, and said it had given her courage to speak her mind. Well, her mind went like this...These are her comments...

 

1. Nobody cares about her

2. Everyone uses her. Women friends when they're in trouble, and Men for sex

3. She's somebody to be used when things aren't great with my wife, but never good enough to BE my wife

4. Everything I say about her and me I have been using 'past tense' whereas everytime I mention my W I praise her. that tells her a lot about who I really love

5. She wishes she had my home phone number so she could call my Wife and tell her she's all to blame, and that she's worthless

 

THEN

 

She told me by the morning she might be gone.

 

I said 'what do you mean?'

 

She said ' Either leaving this town or out in wooden box.. Nobody would care'

 

I could hear she was drunk and asked her if she had anyone with her to take care of her tonight. She again said ' no, everone would rather be with someone else ' and then had a series of long pauses

 

I began to get a little scared, thinking she might do something stupid as she kept saying she might be dead by morning and nobody cares

 

I then did what I know I should NOT have done

 

I went over to check on her, make her a coffee, and try to talk sense to her

 

I told her that it wasn't that I didnt care about her, but that my life was with my family and I had to put them first instead of myself. I told her that she would meet somebody who could put her first, and that I wouldn't matter anymore

 

She said she had no confidence in herself, that life was bad for her, always had been, and that she'd given up on ever having a family of her own (she's 30)

 

After a while, i left, but I was worried. She wouldnt stop drinking, had music blasting out which i repeatedly turned down and urging her to go to bed and think in the morning, but she wouldn't. I said ' you're scaring me, pls stop drinking' but she just replied ' i'm ok, go back to your wife'

 

I drove home and told my wife on the way what had happened.

 

She wasn't impressed that I'd gone to check on her, and said ' she's attention seeking, you've played into her hands. She wants to kill herself, tell her to go ahead'

 

I can understand that, but I felt responsible for getting her into that state and didn't want her suicide on my conscience after all that's happened

 

Anyway while talking OW phones me also. W said ' you better answer it' which I did and she rambled on saying ' You don't want me, you want your wife. we are over, have a happy life. just forget me, everyone always does' and crying

 

Eventually phone went dead and she must have collapsed asleep

 

W and I sat talking when i got in. I told her I'd been up front about tonight so she knew I wasn't deceiving her anymore. W said ' she got exactly what she wanted, you running to her. She knew what she was getting into when she met a MM. She played with fire and got burnt. To hell with her'

 

W is right but I felt responsible for making OW into this state

 

This is going to be a LONG road...

 

Matt

[annabelle75]

What you did to the OW in making her believe you were going to marry her was wrong. She has every right to be hurt and angry, but ........... her threats are just an immature form of manipulation. She's throwing temper tantrums and you are running to her rescue. It has to stop. Your W has every right to be angry.

 

Just STOP !!!! Work on your marriage. You did the right thing by being upfront with how you ended things with the OW. That is all you owed her. Now she needs to deal with it on her own. She's just playing head games with you know and you are letting her. I would suggest changing your phone number.

[whichwayisup]

Yup, the consquences of your actions, the affair and the way things transformed with the OW is coming back to haunt you....Live with it. BUT don't go running off to check on the OW again. NO MORE CONTACT. The OW will now try EVERY trick in the book to manipulate you back...DO NOT FALL FOR IT. NO CONTACT, no contact, NO CONTACT.

 

ON a positive note - You told your wife. That is a good thing, and you need to build upon that.

 

Listen to annabelle, change your phone number, block her from your email and focus on fixing things with your wife. You are so lucky that you've been given a second chance...

[LucreziaBorgia]

Your xOW is emotionally blackmailing you and basically has you right where she wants you. There is only one way to deal with that, and that is to simply refuse to be a part of it. No contact is the only way to avoid it. You can't make things better for her by 'being there' in terms of support. The only real way to help her is to back out of her life with no contact, or chance of 'friends'. That way she can get on her with her life. If she threatens suicide again, hang up and call 911 and report an attempted suicide. At least then she'll at least have a chance at getting the help she really needs - at the very least she won't be as comfortable relying on the old "I'm gonna kill myself" emotional blackmail tactic.

[whichwayisup]

I have to say though, the OW's past it seems has been rewritten abit. She has dumped men, used men and gone from one to another...So, how is it that EVERYONE uses her?

 

You know the red flags, so think outside the box. Don't get sucked into her little manipulative game and feel sorry for her. She knew going in you were married. YES it was wrong to lead her along, but she also had a choice to stay or go. Noone's holding guns to anyone's head...She's an adult, just like you are.

[norajane]

For the second time, I'm posting Ladyjane's predictions:

 

What that means Matt, is that in an emotional confrontation... any average woman can 'spin you on your head like a top'. It's not that women are emotionally deeper than men... it's just that we've got better access to our tools.

Now... this girl is "working" you. Her words and actions are designed to elicit your response. She's already tried the "I'm your REAL friend" gambit, by sending you home and oh-so-nobly giving you a week to work on your marriage. This was followed by the "Make him jealous" routine which you're seeing tonight.

 

Next on the hit parade, in random order, will be....

* a minor play for your sympathy to test the waters,

* declarations of love accompanied by outpourings of grief (usually presented with pretty tears),

* some kind of personal crisis or emergency,

* and an angry tirade where you'll be verbally emasculated and accused of tucking your tail between your legs and running home to "Mama".

 

ALL these things are designed to push you out of your comfort zone, produce guilt, and keep your mind focused on her. It's not magic that I can predict all that for you, Matt. It's just basic woman-knowledge, (but I admit Drama Queens are actually more predictable than most).

 

I think, now, LJ's prediction of the manipulative actions your OW would use on you have come to pass, and you have fallen for each one: you are still focused on OW even though your wife is making it very clear that your marriage is hanging by a thread.

 

Your wife can see that you are being manipulated. Everyone here can see it. Why can't you? Why continue to put your marriage in even more jeopardy?

 

Believe me, your wife sees the attention you are paying to OW. Every moment you spend on OW now will be remembered by your wife, and she will resent it. Don't give her even MORE cause to kick you out.