Tomcat33 Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 And that's my point. BS's have problems long after the affair is over, and long after their marriage is over. Cheaters don't get that. They don't get the long lasting damage they inflict. Well people become victims to their pasts because they chose to stay in the past. If you are with someone that has a past that has scarred thim in a particular way, it would also be your duty as loving partner to not fuel the insecurities. It seems pretty simple to me. I don't think it was unreasonable of her guy to be upset for her wanting to go anyway, especially since you already explained that the sole purpose of the meeting was for the two to meet. If she gets upset and says she wants to go anyway it could send her partner the wrong message. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 i do not agree with your use of the term "fake love." who are you to say that real love does not exist in these relationships? I never said that it doesn't exist. There are some that are real that do end up together. Now let me ask you. If it's so real then why do a lot of the MM try and go back to their W's when the affair is found out? If what the MM and their OW had was so real, then wouldn't it be correct to say they would end up together? Interesting how that pans out a different way. Cheaters love themselves more than anybody. Whatever they feel for W or OW pales in comparison to their sense of entitlement and self-centered love for themselves. I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 INow let me ask you. If it's so real then why do a lot of the MM try and go back to their W's when the affair is found out? If what the MM and their OW had was so real, then wouldn't it be correct to say they would end up together? Interesting how that pans out a different way. Well that's a rhetorical question that no matter how many speculative answers we can come up with, only the cheater knows. So why even bother trying to answer something that we will NEVER know the truth of? It's like asking someone are you happy? You may look happy and may act happy but only you know if you are happy. A cheate could choose to stay with the OP does that mean he automatically stops loving their ex just because their actions show otherwise? It would lead us to beleive so but to know for a fact we will never know. Only time tells more or less where the person's head is. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 D-day defines what a cheater values more, whatever that may be. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 D-day defines what a cheater values more, whatever that may be. Well D-day defines what person does in a state of panic. In my case D-day made him dump me and move back home but a month later he was begging me to go back with him because he didn't care about losing everything if it meant not being with me.... As we reunited and he found out she was going to take everything away from him his priorities changed again.... we never really know what the trigger is initially but time doens't lie. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 A cheater could choose to stay with the OP does that mean he automatically stops loving their ex just because their actions show otherwise? It would lead us to beleive so but to know for a fact we will never know. Only time tells more or less where the person's head is. There's different kinds of love. The love I'm talking about IMO of course demands actions over words. As we reunited and he found out she was going to take everything away from him his priorities changed again.... Shows you what was more important. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 There's different kinds of love. The love I'm talking about IMO of course demands actions over words. Shows you what was more important. Well yes looking at if from the outside and living what I did, it would appear his finances were more important than anyone in particular. However it's still speculation I'll never know what is truly important to him. But again, time will tell and naturally incline towards the truth. And I TOTALLY agree love always demands actions over words. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 we never really know what the trigger is initially but time doens't lie. Time doesn't lie but MM do... Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 Time doesn't lie but MM do... :lmao: well yeah sort of like the face of a person doesn't say it all the mouth part does :laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 Well yes looking at if from the outside and living what I did, it would appear his finances were more important than anyone in particular. However it's still speculation I'll never know what is truly important to him. Okay yeah that's true. I don't know exactly whats going on inside the pea's brain. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 :lmao: well yeah sort of like the face of a person doesn't say it all the mouth part does :laugh: This is when you say...talk to the hand... Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted July 29, 2007 Share Posted July 29, 2007 So so true. I completely relate Annabelle and Hurt&ALone! Another myth I woul like to debunk or at least touch upon is this whole notion that an A is a fantasy relationship that only the good is seen in both parties therefore the love is superficial and not based on how people really are. In my experience and what seems to be a lot of people here on LS the relationship was filled with hardships and long talks of what motivated us to do what we were doing, of speculation, of resistance on what is the best way to resolve the situation, it was filled with disagreements and insecurities and moments of much deliberation and thought. Much like what a relationship feels like just before the end is near, and not at all like what a relationship should be in the honeymoon stage. In many respects it was more raw and emotional than any relationship I have ever had, and it was real in many ways that other rels were not. We saw each other's strengths and weaknesses all in a very short times span, we delved into depths that normally take a very long time to do in a normal long term rel. It just makes me laugh when people imagine As as this fairyland of good times, great sex and perfect moments. Very rarely is an A that, it is perhaps MORE real than what you experince in a reg rel, for the very fact that you are each other's confidants, excitement, emotional support, source of pain, and hope or light at the end of the tunnel ...all in one go. I truly agree with you. It is nothing like a fairytale at all. For me, it's a rollercoaster ride. Mine is more of an EA. It's LDR too. Anyhow, I can relate to what you have written when I thought no one could ever understand... Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted August 10, 2007 Share Posted August 10, 2007 The secrecy surrounding the A, knowing that your lover is pulling one over on someone else, is definitely going to add to the intensity of the feelings. Its been said as a theory in another thread. The feeling that "he risked all this just to be with me". It creates false security. Affairs do thrive in and off of secrecy. How could one say that they don't? Would you still be in an A if his W found out? Would it be out in the open? If the secrecy wasn't important, why haven't/didn't you tell his W, your family, your work colleagues? Secret love is far more intense than out in the open love. Especially when it carries the added, he chose me over this drama to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted August 10, 2007 Share Posted August 10, 2007 The secrecy surrounding the A, knowing that your lover is pulling one over on someone else, is definitely going to add to the intensity of the feelings. Its been said as a theory in another thread. The feeling that "he risked all this just to be with me". It creates false security. Affairs do thrive in and off of secrecy. How could one say that they don't? Would you still be in an A if his W found out? Would it be out in the open? If the secrecy wasn't important, why haven't/didn't you tell his W, your family, your work colleagues? Secret love is far more intense than out in the open love. Especially when it carries the added, he chose me over this drama to it. yeah but he did risk everything to be with me. he moved out, he introduced me to his family and friends met mine, how much more "false" sense of security does one need to believe the man is serious about wanting out of his marriage and wants to be with me? Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted August 10, 2007 Share Posted August 10, 2007 Cheaters love themselves more than anybody. Whatever they feel for W or OW pales in comparison to their sense of entitlement and self-centered love for themselves. I really think this is a bit of a simplistic way of looking at it. Though it's almost undoubtedly true that when cheating they are completely and utterly selfish - caring little that they are hurting other people cruelly - I really do think that most of the time people who cheat are hurting in some way themselves as well. Maybe I'm just stupid, but I honestly don't believe that most of the people who cheat are ego-maniacal, entitlement driven a$$wipes. I think they're screwed up. For sure they are conflict avoiders, and probably they are also often passive-agressive, but to say they love themselves more than anybody, I just don't think is accurate. Now, I'm not talking about the people who have one affair after another - that's a whole different ballgame, I'm talking about the ones who have one or maybe even two in their whole life. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted August 10, 2007 Share Posted August 10, 2007 Question: If you are aware of your patner's past and you know that cetain scenarios might be triggers why go there? See either way I think when you take on a relatioship with someone you also accept thier scars from their past, do you want to work on them with him or do you want to do things that will only aggravate their mistrust? This is a good question and should be a thread all of its own, imo. Personally, I think you have no choice but to accept scars from their past. They are part of the human equation. If you don't want to work on the issues, then you might as well call the whole things quits from the get-go. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted August 10, 2007 Share Posted August 10, 2007 Maybe I'm just stupid, but I honestly don't believe that most of the people who cheat are ego-maniacal, entitlement driven a$$wipes. I think they're screwed up. For sure they are conflict avoiders, and probably they are also often passive-agressive, but to say they love themselves more than anybody, I just don't think is accurate. I totally agree with this. I don't think all WS are horrible people who only care about themselves either. Some obviously are, but not all are. And its usually pretty easy to pick the ones that are self-centered even based only on what is posted here by their OPs. I do think, however, that the non-ego maniac WS's are self-medicating their depressions with the hormonal overload provided by the A in most cases. Link to post Share on other sites
Cliche Posted August 10, 2007 Share Posted August 10, 2007 I never said that it doesn't exist. There are some that are real that do end up together. Now let me ask you. If it's so real then why do a lot of the MM try and go back to their W's when the affair is found out? If what the MM and their OW had was so real, then wouldn't it be correct to say they would end up together? Interesting how that pans out a different way. So if it is the other way around...if the marriage does end and the MM ends up with his OW, does that mean that the love that existed in that first marriage was never "real love?" I don't buy that. It's too simplistic. I do believe my MM had real love for his W at one point. But the romantic love and concern and empathy and desire is gone. Just nothing there to build on. That doesn't mean it was never real, just that it isn't enough to sustain their marriage. I think the same occurs with an ended MM/OW relationship...it's not that it was never real, it may just not have been enough. Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted August 11, 2007 Share Posted August 11, 2007 So it’s one of those Friday’s where I kick up my heels after a work week and read. The topic of this Thread sparked my interest and I couldn’t help but comment on two members in particular that I have taken most pleasure in reading their posts! One being the writer of this Thread Annabelle and the other TomCat33! I gotta tell ya ladies that I am incredibly impressed at how you articulate subject matter and most importantly how you both dissect your personal experiences to the root. You both seem to see past the illusion and get right into your realities and express points without straying that tend to get lost in the heat of discussion. Annabelle, Tomcat you both are such a breath of fresh air! And; my response to this thread with each post you two have addressed, I could not agree with you more! That's my feeling and I'm sticking to it!:D:D Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted August 11, 2007 Share Posted August 11, 2007 One being the writer of this Thread Annabelle and the other TomCat33! I gotta tell ya ladies that I am incredibly impressed at how you articulate subject matter and most importantly how you both dissect your personal experiences to the root... you both are such a breath of fresh air! Ditto that!! Link to post Share on other sites
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