Impudent Oyster Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 How many OW/OM here intentionally began a relationship with a MM/MW because you wanted to be with a person that was married? No not a good question. I'm sure no one INTENTIONALLY chooses a man because he's married, just as sure as I am that there are women who INTENTIONALLY choose a certain man REGARDLESS of whether he's married. See the difference? A good question is why you would give a MM the time of day and get involved in the first place? I was hit on countless times by MM when I was working, and I had NO problem giving them a firm "No thank you, I don't get involved with MM". I even had one of my superiors buy me a gold necklace and bracelet at Christmas and I thanked him but told him I couldn't accept jewelry from a MM. End of story. Remember, the spouse doesn't KNOWINGLY share her husband, and once d-day arrives, will NEVER agree to continuing to share him. He either throws OW under the bus or she kicks him to the curb. If the MM picks with OW again, you can bet your life it's without her knowledge. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 Exactly!! In my case I was very aggressively persued, even when I told him I would have not part of it and he should go to couples therapy to fix his marriage rather than seek ME out, his response was "no there is nothing to fix I don't want to work on the marriage" Baloney. Did he rape you? Are you saying you were powerless to say NO? No one is stupid enough to buy the fact that anyone can shut a man down when she wants to, unless it's forcible rape. You just didn't want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 Best not to get involved in an affair in the first place. Btw, my sig is a play on the Dune series written by Frank Herbert. Loved the twisting plots, power, religion, metaphysics, all of it. Couldn't agree more. I just looked up the book and read the plot theme and I see why the kitty in the worm-like garment. Sounds interesting... Did you get the cat to pose for that or did you find that pic..how perfect :laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Author annabelle75 Posted July 26, 2007 Author Share Posted July 26, 2007 A good question is why you would give a MM the time of day and get involved in the first place? You can open any thread here started by an OM/OW at it tells you why. All you have to do is get off your pedestal enough to listen. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 Baloney. Did he rape you? Are you saying you were powerless to say NO? No one is stupid enough to buy the fact that anyone can shut a man down when she wants to, unless it's forcible rape. You just didn't want to. Well YEAH of course I wanted to and I gave in willingly I never said otherwise, you missed the point. The point was that the myth is that OW go out prowling for MM, when it's the MM that do the pursuing....well at least it was in my case, and quite agressively I might add. Of course I could have said no but on the same token I didn't make him do anything he wasn't predisposed to doing all on his own. THAT'S the point. We're all adults here so let's stop making excuses for everyone. And he was very much an adult when he assured me and showed me he wanted out of his marriage, by moving out...I am not going to take responsibility for the pormises he has with his W, I assume he operates as a full functioning self willing adult. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 The point was that the myth is that OW go out prowling for MM, when it's the MM that do the pursuing....well at least it was in my case, and quite agressively I might add. . Well that's not a myth I subscribe to. I don't care how "aggressively" a married man pursued me, I don't care if he called me day and night, he wouldn't have a chance until his divorce papers were signed sealed and delivered, I don't date married men. period. And even then, who wants someone newly divorced? That's a whole other set of problems! Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 Well that's not a myth I subscribe to. I don't care how "aggressively" a married man pursued me, I don't care if he called me day and night, he wouldn't have a chance until his divorce papers were signed sealed and delivered, I don't date married men. period. And even then, who wants someone newly divorced? That's a whole other set of problems! Well that's fine and I respect your thoughts in all honestly it could have been me speaking a year and half ago...and I would have the exact disdain and assertiveness as you have as I always did, BUT sometimes life turns out unexpectedly. Rebound relationships have been known to work out...it's all so hit and miss. Honestly, there are general rules to live by that help us avoid hot water but sometimes you stumble into the flame even when you are on the right path... Link to post Share on other sites
Author annabelle75 Posted July 26, 2007 Author Share Posted July 26, 2007 Well that's fine and I respect your thoughts in all honestly it could have been me speaking a year and half ago...and I would have the exact disdain and assertiveness as you have as I always did, BUT sometimes life turns out unexpectedly. Rebound relationships have been known to work out...it's all so hit and miss. Honestly, there are general rules to live by that help us avoid hot water but sometimes you stumble into the flame even when you are on the right path... ...... and sometimes you do more than just stumble, you do a full face plant into the sidewalk and break your nose. Link to post Share on other sites
KenzieAbsolutely Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 I never bought into either of those explanations. I always thought OW would accept being OW because they couldn't find any nice available men and they just want to feel loved. So why are OW okay with being OW then? Are there any of those here? it certainly isn't because we can't find available men and "want to feel loved." we want to feel loved by a certain person who just happens to have made a mistake by marrying the wrong person the first time. we aren't all sharks out there looking for someone else's meat. Link to post Share on other sites
sadbuttrue Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 it sucks that the one you love has to be a secret. of course we would all prefer to have love that can be out in the open. to go places and hold hands in the street. to have lunch with him at work. to be able to call him for late night talks. this is not something someone chooses to do for fun. they are sacrifices for love. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 it sucks that the one you love has to be a secret. of course we would all prefer to have love that can be out in the open. to go places and hold hands in the street. to have lunch with him at work. to be able to call him for late night talks. this is not something someone chooses to do for fun. they are sacrifices for love. It doesn't have to be a secret if you don't get into one that requires such a thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 Couldn't agree more. I just looked up the book and read the plot theme and I see why the kitty in the worm-like garment. Sounds interesting... Did you get the cat to pose for that or did you find that pic..how perfect :laugh: No, I found the pic on the internet. I have a noisy and very masculine, bengal cat. He would have torn that blanket to shreds, taken a strip off both my arms and walked away, tail high, while sneering and snarling at me. I'm going to throw out one more generalization. If you're a secret, you're not a priority. Link to post Share on other sites
sadbuttrue Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 of course we arent priorities!! there are many more things in line that are more important to a MM than the OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 Then why put up with not being a priority? I kenna' understand this. Are you not worth being a top tier priority? Btw, this doesn't strictly have to be applied in an affair situation, it's applicable to all relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
sadbuttrue Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 well i put up with it because i love him, which is my failing i guess. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 Maybe some like being in the pit TBF. Maybe some like being second to the W or maybe they think they'll just take the MM anyway they can in hopes that one day they will end up with the MM. Or maybe they'd rather have them even if it's just for a little while. A lot are caught up in fake love so I don't know, people do some werid crap that even I can't understand. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 You know there are EMR that aren't secrets and where the OW is a priority... And being 2nd to the W-only YOU can make yourself feel that way... Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 this is not something someone chooses to do for fun. they are sacrifices for love. that's an interesting comment you make … your sacrifices are made because you are the person having an affair with someone's spouse. But the spouse is the one in denial, the one who has to come up with lies about the lover just to justify staying in a marriage with the person who indulges in an affair. looking at it from y'alls point of view, and seeing it from a married person's point of view, it looks like no one is getting in on the fun except the married adulterer. And it makes me wonder why spouse and lover would want to put up with that complete lack of respect from someone like that – love is good, but it's strongly linked to respect for the beloved. jeez louise! We women put up with a lot of crap just for the sake of our men's love, don't we? Link to post Share on other sites
sadbuttrue Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 Maybe some like being in the pit TBF. Maybe some like being second to the W or maybe they think they'll just take the MM anyway they can in hopes that one day they will end up with the MM. Or maybe they'd rather have them even if it's just for a little while. A lot are caught up in fake love so I don't know, people do some werid crap that even I can't understand. i do not agree with your use of the term "fake love." who are you to say that real love does not exist in these relationships? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 i do not agree with your use of the term "fake love." who are you to say that real love does not exist in these relationships? Real love consists of putting the one before all others, vows or not. This means, no secrets or lies. If love has anything to do with it, it's only selfish love. In essence, "my needs before all others, no matter who I hurt". Link to post Share on other sites
sadbuttrue Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 i still say love can be present even if the man is M and is not leaving his W. if your statement is true he doesnt love the W either. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 i still say love can be present even if the man is M and is not leaving his W. if your statement is true he doesnt love the W either. Cheaters love themselves more than anybody. Whatever they feel for W or OW pales in comparison to their sense of entitlement and self-centered love for themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 Cheaters love themselves more than anybody. Whatever they feel for W or OW pales in comparison to their sense of entitlement and self-centered love for themselves. I fully agree with this. sadbuttrue... Link to post Share on other sites
sadbuttrue Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 norajane, i dont remember you being this bitter in the past, has something happened? Link to post Share on other sites
lonelybird Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 Some OW/OM can stay just for a crumble The problem is why OW/OM don't love themselves enougth that it is ok to be treated like second or less If MM really love you, let him show his action. If without action, every beautiful words is lie. and you are willingly kiding yourself. That is torture, not love. Link to post Share on other sites
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