Mino Posted July 19, 2007 Share Posted July 19, 2007 I am sorry Shades of Gray, I should of held back, I did not mean to do this to your thread:o I was only trying to make a point, that we are indendent and WE do have successful lives, Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shades of Grey Posted July 19, 2007 Author Share Posted July 19, 2007 I am sorry Shades of Gray, I should of held back, I did not mean to do this to your thread:o I was only trying to make a point, that we are indendent and WE do have successful lives, Don't be silly Mino, I completely got your point! Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 19, 2007 Share Posted July 19, 2007 Your statements are based on assumptions. I believe if you'll read closer to NID's posts, you'll find that the infidelity in her marriage is in the past. It's always easier to assume that someone's "out to get you" when they don't agree with you, huh? This forum so often ends up representing itself as some kind of sick sorority. So true!! I don't define myself in those kind of narrow terms. And while I am about as opposed to cheating and lying as a person can get, I'm not willing to slap a label on myself and join a faction over it. Thanks, LJ. I could not have said it better myself. I have BEEN a BW. I am so much bigger than that label. It was only a portion of my experience as a W. Its really unfortunate that once one has been identified on this forum as such, its used as a weapon against you. As if the constant bringing it up could hurt like the original offense, or that by pointing out that label your words can magically be twisted to imply disdain where there is none. I find it interesting, the "sisterhood". I have disagreed with you (LJ) on several occasions, and yet we remain civil. In fact, I still think that you are very wise and considerate when responding with other posters. Guess we missed that *sisterhood* memo, eh? I won't waste my time responding to the post that generated your response, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 19, 2007 Share Posted July 19, 2007 Shades - Imagine yourself 5 or 8 or 10 years down the road, at some time and place where you have completely (or at least mostly) recovered and healed and moved on from all of this. Much as you might like to, you'll never forget this time; along with the pile of all other good, bad, and neutral things in your history, it will always be a part of you. But from the perspective of that person down the road a bit, how would you like this painting to look when you look back upon it? It's mostly finished already, but you still have the opportunity to put a few finishing touches on it. Of course you can't predict the exact results of telling or not, but let's say that you make and execute a decision - either tell or don't tell - and then you move on, with the MM and his family completely out of your life, as I think is your intention: "Even if it kills me it's over." When you look back, with the perspective of that healed, future person (and you will get there eventually...) does either scenario seem like one that you would prefer to recall when you look back over this time in your life? My personal preference - admittedly not from the same perspective of yours - would be that once I have made the decision to sever all ties (as in, "Even if it kills me it's over....") to do it NOW - close the door with no looking back - and to start working on closure that comes from looking to the future, and looking within yourself, which I believe to be the only 'true' closure. My feeling is that once I've committed to moving on, any further connection that I feel compelled to exercise is just an indication that I have not truly severed my ties, that I am still being dragged from behind, that for better or worse, consciously or subconsciously, I am not letting go yet. This was true in my marriage, and it wasn't until I really committed to the future that I was able to turn fully forward, leave it behind, and give up the need to do that one last thing... I understand that this may not be your outlook, though. It may not be easy to imagine yourself healed and feeling good some time in the future; it may take some significant powers of imagination. But I do believe that with some work, the looking-back-from-the-future perspective can be a useful tool to help you see a different perspective - but one that is still based in your own life, instead of 'advice' from outside - to help guide you. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 19, 2007 Share Posted July 19, 2007 Is this just bitterness speaking? Should I just swallow my anger and pain and let him get on with it. Would she rather not know the truth. I'll only comment on this. Tell her, she deserves to know. Too many OW assume that the wife knows which is wishful thinking. Most often she doesn't know although she may have some suspicions but no hard proof. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted July 19, 2007 Share Posted July 19, 2007 I agree with you trail by fire... Are ther any other ow here who have told, and how did it go? I still feel the need to tell. I jsut dont have the balls yet, since I do work with mm and i am afraid of the repurcussion at the job. But I planned it out in my head pretty well, Cause i do think she desersves to know. I had a boyfriend cheat on me many years ago. Everyone knew about it for 6 months, except me. Every one at work! No one said a word to me, even my so called friends. It was devestating to find out 6 months later, and embarrasing that no one stood up. I would have been spared alot of pain, had i know earlier. So I agree she does have a right to know, and the liklyhood of him telling is O. And people who do know will keep quite too. The ow is really the only hope the bs has to getting to the truth Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2007 Share Posted July 19, 2007 The ow is really the only hope the bs has to getting to the truth Yes, if she is not telling so she can have the MM for herself. Many OW (recently some posts about it too) tell and then feel like they're betraying their MM so they don't tell the 'whole' truth or answer all the BW's questions. Read up on IWALH, scaredinlove, to name afew posts. (and if by chance SIL isn't the person I'm thinking of, sorry SIL!) Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 19, 2007 Share Posted July 19, 2007 I agree with you trail by fire... Are ther any other ow here who have told, and how did it go? I still feel the need to tell. I jsut dont have the balls yet, since I do work with mm and i am afraid of the repurcussion at the job. But I planned it out in my head pretty well, Cause i do think she desersves to know. I had a boyfriend cheat on me many years ago. Everyone knew about it for 6 months, except me. Every one at work! No one said a word to me, even my so called friends. It was devestating to find out 6 months later, and embarrasing that no one stood up. I would have been spared alot of pain, had i know earlier. So I agree she does have a right to know, and the liklyhood of him telling is O. And people who do know will keep quite too. The ow is really the only hope the bs has to getting to the truth Yup I told when I found out he was not what he professed to being. Do you know my story? I don't want to play it out again if you aready do, but if you don't then I will explain. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted July 19, 2007 Share Posted July 19, 2007 Its almost 6:30, my xmm bs has probably slaved over the stove to prepare his dinner, she has probably ran around the house all day doing chores. He is probably sitting now in front of his tv with his feet poped up and his laptop on his lap, while she is ironing HIS cloths for work. I am sad for her. She does all these things for him and he is too much of a coward to tell her the truth. Even though I assume she has an gut feeling, He is not the aproachable type, and would blow her off if she even were to ask. So she continues being the good wife, cause she has no proof. And he remains king of his castle.......Sad Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted July 19, 2007 Share Posted July 19, 2007 Its almost 6:30, my xmm bs has probably slaved over the stove to prepare his dinner, she has probably ran around the house all day doing chores. He is probably sitting now in front of his tv with his feet poped up and his laptop on his lap, while she is ironing HIS cloths for work. I am sad for her. She does all these things for him and he is too much of a coward to tell her the truth. Even though I assume she has an gut feeling, He is not the aproachable type, and would blow her off if she even were to ask. So she continues being the good wife, cause she has no proof. And he remains king of his castle.......Sad I'm going to say with with as much respect as possible as I have no intention of getting anyones feathers ruffled. The only person that knows what is going on in the wife's head, is the wife. Most of the time (unless the OW has actually spent time at the MM's home and spoken to the BW about the affair), the only thing the OW knows is what the MM wants her to know. There have been stories of BW who only stay for the kids (if a father can say it, so can a mother). Stories of BW that are aware that something is going on and plan to make a move at the time that is best for them. Even stories about BW who have an OM and eventually leave the marriage before the MM has any say in the matter. You also have no idea what he would say to her or if she has any proof. And, you have no idea what he would say to her, or what she would do if she found out. Don't assume that the wife is always clueless and willing to take crap from her husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 19, 2007 Share Posted July 19, 2007 The ow is really the only hope the bs has to getting to the truth. I have to disagree, because I've seen many times, when the W would get the story from the OW, she would either believe him when he said that the OW was making a lot of the story out of revenge or what not... And what tells you that the OW will, in fact, tell the truth... and won't add to the story just to piss him off and/or brag about it... It happens that the W will still believe her H even after she found out and even after she gets the OW's side. Been there... Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted July 19, 2007 Share Posted July 19, 2007 The ow is really the only hope the bs has to getting to the truth. I have to disagree, because I've seen many times, when the W would get the story from the OW, she would either believe him when he said that the OW was making a lot of the story out of revenge or what not... And what tells you that the OW will, in fact, tell the truth... and won't add to the story just to piss him off and/or brag about it... It happens that the W will still believe her H even after she found out and even after she gets the OW's side. Been there... In my case, I really don't have any interest in what the OW would say. Talking to her would have brought her back into my marriage and I have no reason to give her that kind of power. Fact is, an affair took place. I feel that I have enough of the puzzle from my H, I don't need the OW to tell me anything else. Does it really matter how many times they had sex? Once is enough for me. As soon as I caught him once, he was out the door. He came back begging for a second chance. It wasn't until we had both faced our problems, individual and in our marriage, that I agreed to take that chance. His actions have proved that I made the right choice. I have never spoken to the OW and have no desire to get anymore truth from her. The question is, how much truth do we as BW really need? And, who do we really want to hear it from? I choose hearing it from my H and not someone who I don't know and is irrelevant to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 your both right, I dont know IF she would want the truth. I am going purely on that I WOULD WANT TO KNOW! The ow did contact me back then, I spoke to her for 2 hours on the phone. Had she not called who know when i would have found out. Again, I am going only by what I would prefer. In a perfect senerio the mm should tell. I agree. But how many ever do? Only if they get caught do they fess up a Bit. My R went on for 3 years, she thinks maybe 6 months. Again, Your right, I do NOT know what she thinks, I am only assuming, Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 wow LIZZIE, that is a pretty wierd story, Amazing.......leaves me speechless Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 Talking about your story on your new thread that I just read, where you met up with the wife Link to post Share on other sites
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