My situation re: "should I tell"

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Really we all one in the same...when it comes to these men.

 

This I pretty much agree with... eventually anyway. The BS doesn't marry knowing this the OW enters knowing this and also has nothing to loose. But, yeah, you're right, any BS who takes him back for what ever reason, asks for it as much as the OW.

[Tomcat33]

So she knew he was married, and a liar, what am I missing here. How is she not responsible again. She thought she was special, that he would only lie to his wife??? WANTED to believe that? That doesn't make her a victim of him but a victim of her own desires which makes her responsible.

 

Well you knew your H was a cheater and liar why did you take him back?

I guess you must think you are that special too....

 

 

C'mon it's not so cut and dry as you make it out to be... it never really is.

BUT you did leave out the part where I said if she keeps going back to get hurt once he is proven to be completely unreliable and untrustworthy then at that point you have to take responsibility for your actions and self inflicted pain.

[Tomcat33]

Really we all one in the same...when it comes to these men.

 

This I pretty much agree with... eventually anyway. The BS doesn't marry knowing this the OW enters knowing this and also has nothing to loose. But, yeah, you're right, any BS who takes him back for what ever reason, asks for it as much as the OW.

 

 

Well I can sure see why some people think just because he did it to her it doesn't mean he will do it to me. I have been in relationships with men who cheated on gfs in the past and yet they never cheated on me....

it can happen people change.

 

An OW goes into a rel with a man who is capable of doing it to another woman not to her, a BS goes back into it knowing he can and will do it to her.

[Trimmer]

An OW goes into a rel with a man who is capable of doing it to another woman not to her, a BS goes back into it knowing he can and will do it to her.

Wow, that's an interesting twist. And somehow twisted.

[Tomcat33]

Wow, that's an interesting twist. And somehow twisted.

 

Well it's not that twisted really...have you ever dated a man who had cheated on a gf in the past? When I found this out it didn't stop me from dating him, it was a one off and a complete mistake or so he professed...and he never cheated on me we were together 6yrs and turend out to be the most trust worthy guy I have dated to date...

 

Sometimes people do act out of character given the dynamic that is created with a certain individual. Now if the man had always cheated that's a different story...

[NoIDidn't]

Shades herself said that she was only wanting to tell because of the "hideous pretense". The pretense was fine while the A was going on, now it isn't? It smacks of revenge. But if she wants to tell for that reason, she should at least own it and not try to pretty it up into something else like nobility.

[NoIDidn't]

"An OW goes into a rel with a man who is capable of doing it to another woman not to her, a BS goes back into it knowing he can and will do it to her"

 

Please tell me you are not serious. Its the "not to her" that's unbelievable. You can't possibly be that naive.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I didn't take him back because of love, actually I haven't TAKEN him anywhere, he just won't leave!:lmao: I'm here at the moment because of my children and their lives. PERIOD! I KNOW WHO HE IS AND WHAT HE IS CAPABLE OF!

 

An OW goes into a rel with a man who is capable of doing it to another woman not to her, a BS goes back into it knowing he can and will do it to her.

 

Yeah, my husbands OW thought the same thing and he has thrown her under the proverbial bus!

 

any BS who takes him back for what ever reason, asks for it as much as the OW.

 

 

BUT you did leave out the part where I said if she keeps going back to get hurt once he is proven to be completely unreliable and untrustworthy then at that point you have to take responsibility for your actions and self inflicted pain.

 

No actually I agreed with that!

 

And actually this post was not about me and my situation but you couldn't resist a chance to make a jab, that's typical of your style though. Thanks for that. True colors... and all that...

[NoIDidn't]

IWWH

 

Please ignore her as best you can. She seems to think that OW is a superior breed of woman. The kind that never gets cheated on, only cheated with. And there really is no point in trying to explain your situation to her. She will only use it against you.

 

---- OTOH ----

You have to know that there is OBVIOUSLY something wrong with YOU if your H cheated or cheats. Face it, the OW is obviously better than you and will be treated like the queen you only wish you could be treated as. Don't you know its best for everyone if you realized your place and just left this good man to his devices as you are no match for the all-powerful OW?

 

Geeze. What is it with YOU BSs?!! Your bitterness is showing....

[IfWishesWereHorses]

LOL,

 

I've actually never written this on the board, only in a few PM's. 2/3 of a bottle of merlot and I get brave! MY H's OW has no education,had her first child when she was 13, is unintelligent, histrionic, and no class or culture.

 

My H NEEDS a wife who can entertain the family's of wealthy business owners from all over the world while the guys golf and do "business" AND pull off a sit down dinner for collegues on the same night while planning activities and supervision of their children, all the while being quite gracious and accommodating, and keeping up the conversation and looking the part and hosting his "overnight" guests in grand style. Sorry but this woman who was 6 when we married, couldn't in a million years pull off much less even attending these events. NO WAY! He wasn't EVER looking for a life partner in her, couldn't have been, she would have been an EMBARRASSMENT to him!

 

But the truth is OBVIOUSLY something is wrong with me;)! I have a lousy choice in men, well, I did at 21 anyway! I am strong and not a person who puts her own selfish wants and needs over those whom she loves. I also for a very long time believed in him, which makes me gullible! Their last fight was a year ago when HE bought me a car for our 20th anniversary, she freaked!

[NoIDidn't]

My H's needs aren't too different from yours, minus the supervision of kids. Most of his colleagues that even have children, have grown children. But its not uncommon for them to "cheat down".

 

OW like the one in your case don't see it that way. They figure a classy, wealthy MM means that they are the same. Either that or it becomes a contest against the W, that while older is still very much out of their league.

 

Maybe we should take this to PM. If you are interested.

[OpenBook]

Not to incite an OW/BS pissing match here, as I do acknowledge her pain and anger, but there's a major difference. She had more insight into his true nature, and more control of her own situation at the start of the affair than the BS did.

 

Riiiiiggggghhhhhht. The OW - having known the MM only for a relatively short while and not NEARLY as intimately as the W - has more insight into his "true nature" than the W. And I bet you have some GREAT swampland to sell me.

 

My H NEEDS a wife who can entertain the family's of wealthy business owners from all over the world... Sorry but this woman who was 6 when we married, couldn't in a million years pull off much less even attending these events... I am strong and not a person who puts her own selfish wants and needs over those whom she loves... Their last fight was a year ago when HE bought me a car for our 20th anniversary, she freaked!

 

My H's needs aren't too different from yours, minus the supervision of kids. Most of his colleagues that even have children, have grown children. But its not uncommon for them to "cheat down".

 

OW like the one in your case don't see it that way. They figure a classy, wealthy MM means that they are the same. Either that or it becomes a contest against the W, that while older is still very much out of their league.

 

Maybe we should take this to PM. If you are interested.

 

Oh. Now I get it. This is why you guys like to go on these OM/OW boards and tear into complete strangers on an anonymous public forum. It's a safe vehicle to release all that psychic anger spilling out of your own M's.

 

But I don't buy for a minute that you're altruistically burying your wants and needs. All that money sure feels good, don't it. Makes you put up with a lot more than a woman should EVER have to. You're driving around in a beautiful new car, while your H is lavishing his affection and attention on an "embarassment" - because he CAN.

 

God I'm glad I'm not in your shoes.

 

And I wholeheartedly agree that you should take it to PM - away from us embarrassing OW's who are so far out of your "league."

 

Your best revenge is to rise above it. You can and you will I promise you will if you set your mind to it. I did it and it seemed very dismal only a few months ago. I feel GREAT! I am me again and there is no looking back...

 

I got an email from my ex last week telling me he was living in hell, he was completey still in love with me and more lost than ever missing me terribly each day that went by. What can I say... for a split second I felt for him, then I reminded myself, you chose your own path buddy so..."bonne voyage!" with that I hit delete and went on with my day.

 

Tomcat, I KNEW ye had it in ye. You GO girl!! Your next SO will be a VERY lucky man.

[Trimmer]

Well it's not that twisted really...have you ever dated a man who had cheated on a gf in the past?

No, I can conclusively say that I have not.

 

I'll have to take your word on what that's like.

[Trimmer]

Riiiiiggggghhhhhht. The OW - having known the MM only for a relatively short while and not NEARLY as intimately as the W - has more insight into his "true nature" than the W. And I bet you have some GREAT swampland to sell me.

Fair enough - I said that incautiously, but I think you are disingenuously pretending not to understand what I meant. The OW has one unambiguous and very critical piece of information (he is a liar and a cheat, and can willingly betray someone to whom he has made a solemn vow) that she can use to evaluate him before starting, and this very same piece of information, which would be just as critical to the wife, is kept hidden from her. My point being, OW and wives are not, by far, "all one in the same."

 

So given that, when someone says to an OW, as Tomcat did earlier "look at the end of the day you were lied to also so if you feel you were done wrong by him you WERE done wrong by him," as objectively true as that may be, I have to say, to paraphrase the words of Capt. Renault in Casablanca: "I'm shocked - shocked - to find that lying is going on here..."

 

And I do, in fact. It's in Arizona. PM me for more info.

[OpenBook]

The OW has one unambiguous and very critical piece of information (he is a liar and a cheat, and can willingly betray someone to whom he has made a solemn vow) that she can use to evaluate him before starting, and this very same piece of information, which would be just as critical to the wife, is kept hidden from her.

 

Trimmer, I do understand your point. But the way I see it is, the common denominator is HIM - the MM who is lying to both sides, and cheating both sides (IMO) as well. He's doin' wrong to both.

 

My point is, the BS knows him a lot better (and a lot longer) than the OW. I don't buy into your position that the OW can size him up more accurately than the BS. Typically the MM will portray his great unhappiness with his M to the OW, and say things like his W doesn't even care, or they're in the process of separating, or not even MENTIONING the fact that he's M'd.

 

The OW has no prior history to go on with this man, to know whether or not he's telling the truth. The BS does.

 

And I do, in fact. It's in Arizona. PM me for more info.

 

Well, the way global warming is going, it may become oceanfront property. I'm tempted.

[Shades of Grey]

Shades herself said that she was only wanting to tell because of the "hideous pretense". The pretence was fine while the A was going on' date=' now it isn't? It smacks of revenge. But if she wants to tell for that reason, she should at least own it and not try to pretty it up into something else like nobility.[/quote']

 

The pretence was far from 'fine' as you put it NID but there is a huge difference between. "Yes I am cheating on my wife, I have come to realise that I have never loved her, that this is wrong and I am going to take steps to change my behaviour and my life" 'v' "Hey you know what? i've realised I don't have to take steps, I can, after all continue to have it all."

 

Please stop trying to read reasons into my behaviour that don't exist and try and accept that what I am saying is the truth. I don't believe I have ever disguised my reasoning as complete altruism and nobility. I have no reason to lie about my thoughts and feelings on this forum and I have been completely honest, notwithstanding the fact that some things are very difficult to put into words. I can't do any more than that.

[outofdarkness]

I disagree OOD, and I've said this before, after D day (number 1 for me) then from that point on I have the information that I need and anything I'm dealing with (doesn't make it right) but is by my consent, I own it. Doesn't make it any easier to swallow, but THIS time I've allowed this to be DONE TO ME. Yep, I have a responsibility in it. That's how I wake up every 10 minutes saying, "My God, how could I let him do this to me, do I not love myself more than this???"

 

I completely understand where LJ is coming from, its what makes the 2nd D day so hard to stomach, I KNEW THIS, WTF WAS I THINKING!!!!! How could I sit by and allow this. That's a worse betrayal to realize than someone else doing it to you. This time I allowed it ie. self betrayal. Kinda where I'm at right now, anywho.

I really meant the FIRST and initial d day...In my case, it was a lifetime of decisons, choices, etc. that might have been different had I known the truth...There was no reason for me NOT to trust him until D day three years ago...After the initial d day, then yeah, I see your point, but even then there are SOME situtaions that SOME women for whatever reason, find it hard..not impossible, but VERY hard to get out of...Hope I've cleared up

[Shades of Grey]

Shades of Grey I have a few words on your situation and I mean no disrepect to any other women but here goes:

 

His W knows, if she doesn't know it's with you she still knows. A man who has done this for their entire time together cannot go unnoticed. I can't speak for all cases but a fair number of them (the W) pays a blind eye, and it''s like someone else said you want him to pay but when you tell the W he is the last to pay. Why? Because 9/10 times the W does nothing with the info she has gained, because she will keep paying a blind eye simply hoping for the white elephant to go away.

 

I understand your need to get back at him to let him have it to ruin him as he has ruined you, and I don't adhere with this business of taking your 100% ownership of what you did to cause this blaaah blaaaah... look at the end of the day you were lied to also so if you feel you were done wrong by him you WERE done wrong by him and it doesn't matter what all the pop psych bull***** states, you were a victim to a certain degree. The ownership you should take, and I speak from experience, is in that you should not allow yourself to EVER be treated in this manner again EVER. It will help you to move on and it will help you to regain control of your own life and actions and your selfesteem will be strong again. The best way to move on is to learn the lesson and take it on board.

 

As per the revenge, what more revenge could you ask for to know that this man is in a marriage with a woman he gives two dimes for, and whom he will ALWAYS disrespect and she will quite possibly just keep pretending nothing is wrong allowing him to disrepect her. I think you have to weigh out the situation and say to yourself, what is worse a sick relationship that will never change or a chance at a healthy relationship and a new begining with someone you deserve? He can keep cheating and lying to his W and at the end of the day he cannot escape himself. You are lucky you did escape him and you have the knowledge to do something good for yourself. But more importantly you can and WILL improve yourself. Sharing that knowledge with someone who may just not want to hear it is wasted energy.

 

Your best revenge is to rise above it. You can and you will I promise you will if you set your mind to it. I did it and it seemed very dismal only a few months ago. I feel GREAT! I am me again and there is no looking back. Start by looking out for #1 forget them focus on you, life is already taking care of punishing him he is the personification of a tormented being.

 

I got an email from my ex last week telling me he was living in hell, he was completey still in love with me and more lost than ever missing me terribly each day that went by. What can I say... for a split second I felt for him, then I reminded myself, you chose your own path buddy so..."bonne voyage!" with that I hit delete and went on with my day.

I know I sound cold but that's where my head is at these days and you can do it too.

 

There are no shades of grey here it's pretty black and white, you need to move past this and you need to do it focusing on solely on you.

 

Thanks TC - that means a lot.

[Tomcat33]

]So she knew[/b] he was married' date=' and a liar, what am I missing here[/b']. How is she not responsible again. She thought she was special, that he would only lie to his wife??? WANTED to believe that? That doesn't make her a victim of him but a victim of her own desires which makes her responsible.

 

 

If my comment to you was considered a jab then I beleive you instigated the jabbing because I just turned the very same comment you made about the OW back to you.

 

All I asked you was, did you not believe you were special enough that your H would repent and not do it again to you? Funny how your own comment made you get your back up when flipped back to you. hmmmm

 

Let's face it, when we love someone we ALL think we are THAT special. You and I are no different in that respect...so why even make that distinction?

But when a person cheats us we know that at that time they could not have thought we were THAT special....

 

Sometimes think before you throw a question out there that you could very well answer yourself, from your own experience.

 

SHADES OF GREY: you're welcome. Don't let what people who don't understand what you have been through bring you down even more...this is not the time to take more kickings. Hope you are strong and you can rise above it.

 

OPENBOOK thanks ;-) I am doing great! I really am.

[Ladyjane14]

.... I've said this before, after D day (number 1 for me) then from that point on I have the information that I need and anything I'm dealing with (doesn't make it right) but is by my consent, I own it. Doesn't make it any easier to swallow, but THIS time I've allowed this to be DONE TO ME. Yep, I have a responsibility in it. That's how I wake up every 10 minutes saying, "My God, how could I let him do this to me, do I not love myself more than this???"

 

I completely understand where LJ is coming from, its what makes the 2nd D day so hard to stomach, I KNEW THIS, WTF WAS I THINKING!!!!! How could I sit by and allow this. That's a worse betrayal to realize than someone else doing it to you. This time I allowed it ie. self betrayal. Kinda where I'm at right now, anywho.

 

Exactly. Once you've made a conscious decision in your life... you're largely in charge of dealing with the outcome of it. It's KNOWING that which makes you feel less victimized and more powerful. Once you know yourself to be a powerful being, albeit a fallible one... you can move into a healing state, forgiving yourself for your mistakes, learning from them, and getting on with your life.. a little bit wiser than before.

 

Yeah, it sucks to be in a situation like IWWH's... to roll the dice and give somebody the benefit of the doubt and then have them bite you on the ass. There's no doubt of that.

These MM so often come crawling home, crying and wailing and begging for another chance... and there's no way to tell which ones truly ARE remorseful and which are only sorry they got caught. It's a tough call.

 

When a betrayed wife decides to give him that chance, she HAS to acknowledge the possibility that he could be among those MM's who are insincere. If not, she allows the possibility of further victimization. If she bets and loses.. she's usually better equipped to deal with the outcome because she fully understood the risk and was in a better position to formulate a back-up plan. Instead of risking her life-savings on a pony down at the track, she's bet what she can afford to lose.

 

This isn't too much different from my own situation. My first thought when I found out what was going on in my marriage was, "This guy has WASTED twenty years of my life". My next thought was that it was ME who had let him do it.

 

This isn't like a meteor hitting you in the head. It's not like a random act of crime. There are CLUES that things aren't going well. And I had elected to distance myself from that reality for many, many years. I had avoided conflict and bought into the mindset that things would somehow magically right themselves, I suppose. I had weirdly never considered the idea that my husband could LIE like a politician if the mood struck him. Is it hubris, do you think, to believe you're too good to be LIED to? I dunno.

But I do know that once the blinders were off, I could see it all.

 

Taking personal responsibility for ALL you own choices disallows the wearing of "blinders". You aren't free to be "a victim" unless that meteor does indeed smack you on the head. And ladies, it doesn't matter who you are, OW or BW... being "a victim" leaves you feeling powerless and out of control.

 

Can you stop a guy from lying to you? ...No.

Should you be some kind of paranoid person, living in fear of being taken advantage of? ...No.

 

What you can do instead is to set up the parameters of your life so that IF you are lied to, you're in a position to handle it.... to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get on with living your life. You deal with YOUR 100%, but you're also free to let him carry his own bags and deal with his 100%.

 

If my husband were to do me wrong after I've done my utter best to give him a new chance, after I've cleaned the slate... you can bet your ass I'm prepared to deal with that. And I'm not going to be destroyed by it either. I've dealt with him from a position of honor, consistently putting in MY 100%. I have nothing to be sorry for at this point. I've acted in good faith.

 

As far as OWs are concerned, if you got conned... own it. You'll feel better.

Yeah, these MM sound sincere. But there's 'The Truth', and there's 'The Truth of the Moment'. The story sounds good because for at least the time-frame around the "story", they usually do mean it. Problem is... more often than not by the time they pull back into the driveway at home, they're indulging in a whole different "truth".

 

It's easy to see the duality in these guys when you read through the 'lop-sided libido' threads in the Marriage section. You see their bitterness and their unwillingness to do what's necessary to resolve the issues. You even see some guys in there who actively recommend to others that they take a lover on the side in order to make their marriage bearable. Well... where do you think that leaves said lover?

 

In those same threads we talk about the emotional connection men tend to develop through a strong sexual bond with their mate. Doesn't it stand to reason that there's going to be some transference when he takes his marbles and goes out to play with someone else?

 

Let's not forget the main impetus for the cheating decision in this kind of scenario, which was to preserve the family dynamic AND to get some on the side. That's why this type of guy gets into the EMR in the first place. All too often though, he ends up emotionally involved and moving between two worlds, living "The Truth" and "The Truth of the Moment". There's no science here, nothing so difficult to understand. It's a good sales job.. because the salesman himself buys into it.

 

For the women who deal with these guys though, whether OW or BW, we still have to be true to ourselves, taking ownership of the idea that no matter WHAT somebody else tells you, it's still your responsibility to check it out before YOU "buy in". We can't just coast through life believing whatever we're told. If we do, we're open to any kind of manipulation somebody chooses to use on us, whether that manipulation is deliberate or whether it's a result of someone else's emotional turmoil.

 

It's all about REFUSING to be victimized and REFUSING to become a less than authoritative presence in your own life. For our OP, once she feels her own innate power again, I doubt the question of whether to tell or not will be of any further importance to her.

 

 

(Right back at ya, NID. )

[outofdarkness]

Exactly. Once you've made a conscious decision in your life... you're largely in charge of dealing with the outcome of it. It's KNOWING that which makes you feel less victimized and more powerful. Once you know yourself to be a powerful being, albeit a fallible one... you can move into a healing state, forgiving yourself for your mistakes, learning from them, and getting on with your life.. a little bit wiser than before.

 

Yeah, it sucks to be in a situation like IWWH's... to roll the dice and give somebody the benefit of the doubt and then have them bite you on the ass. There's no doubt of that.

These MM so often come crawling home, crying and wailing and begging for another chance... and there's no way to tell which ones truly ARE remorseful and which are only sorry they got caught. It's a tough call.

 

When a betrayed wife decides to give him that chance, she HAS to acknowledge the possibility that he could be among those MM's who are insincere. If not, she allows the possibility of further victimization. If she bets and loses.. she's usually better equipped to deal with the outcome because she fully understood the risk and was in a better position to formulate a back-up plan. Instead of risking her life-savings on a pony down at the track, she's bet what she can afford to lose.

 

This isn't too much different from my own situation. My first thought when I found out what was going on in my marriage was, "This guy has WASTED twenty years of my life". My next thought was that it was ME who had let him do it.

 

This isn't like a meteor hitting you in the head. It's not like a random act of crime. There are CLUES that things aren't going well. And I had elected to distance myself from that reality for many, many years. I had avoided conflict and bought into the mindset that things would somehow magically right themselves, I suppose. I had weirdly never considered the idea that my husband could LIE like a politician if the mood struck him. Is it hubris, do you think, to believe you're too good to be LIED to? I dunno.

But I do know that once the blinders were off, I could see it all.

 

Taking personal responsibility for ALL you own choices disallows the wearing of "blinders". You aren't free to be "a victim" unless that meteor does indeed smack you on the head. And ladies, it doesn't matter who you are, OW or BW... being "a victim" leaves you feeling powerless and out of control.

 

Can you stop a guy from lying to you? ...No.

Should you be some kind of paranoid person, living in fear of being taken advantage of? ...No.

 

What you can do instead is to set up the parameters of your life so that IF you are lied to, you're in a position to handle it.... to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get on with living your life. You deal with YOUR 100%, but you're also free to let him carry his own bags and deal with his 100%.

 

If my husband were to do me wrong after I've done my utter best to give him a new chance, after I've cleaned the slate... you can bet your ass I'm prepared to deal with that. And I'm not going to be destroyed by it either. I've dealt with him from a position of honor, consistently putting in MY 100%. I have nothing to be sorry for at this point. I've acted in good faith.

 

As far as OWs are concerned, if you got conned... own it. You'll feel better.

Yeah, these MM sound sincere. But there's 'The Truth', and there's 'The Truth of the Moment'. The story sounds good because for at least the time-frame around the "story", they usually do mean it. Problem is... more often than not by the time they pull back into the driveway at home, they're indulging in a whole different "truth".

 

It's easy to see the duality in these guys when you read through the 'lop-sided libido' threads in the Marriage section. You see their bitterness and their unwillingness to do what's necessary to resolve the issues. You even see some guys in there who actively recommend to others that they take a lover on the side in order to make their marriage bearable. Well... where do you think that leaves said lover?

 

In those same threads we talk about the emotional connection men tend to develop through a strong sexual bond with their mate. Doesn't it stand to reason that there's going to be some transference when he takes his marbles and goes out to play with someone else?

 

Let's not forget the main impetus for the cheating decision in this kind of scenario, which was to preserve the family dynamic AND to get some on the side. That's why this type of guy gets into the EMR in the first place. All too often though, he ends up emotionally involved and moving between two worlds, living "The Truth" and "The Truth of the Moment". There's no science here, nothing so difficult to understand. It's a good sales job.. because the salesman himself buys into it.

 

For the women who deal with these guys though, whether OW or BW, we still have to be true to ourselves, taking ownership of the idea that no matter WHAT somebody else tells you, it's still your responsibility to check it out before YOU "buy in". We can't just coast through life believing whatever we're told. If we do, we're open to any kind of manipulation somebody chooses to use on us, whether that manipulation is deliberate or whether it's a result of someone else's emotional turmoil.

 

It's all about REFUSING to be victimized and REFUSING to become a less than authoritative presence in your own life. For our OP, once she feels her own innate power again, I doubt the question of whether to tell or not will be of any further importance to her.

 

 

(Right back at ya, NID. )

ya ok..but still not really buying into this approach..There's just too much self deprecation in this theory for me...

[Ladyjane14]

ya ok..but still not really buying into this approach..There's just too much self deprecation in this theory for me...

 

I don't understand what you mean by that OOD.

[Tomcat33]

 

It's all about REFUSING to be victimized and REFUSING to become a less than authoritative presence in your own life. For our OP, once she feels her own innate power again, I doubt the question of whether to tell or not will be of any further importance to her.

 

 

 

EXACTLY. so in order to reach that point we sometimes have to fail miserably to get to the other side. A LOT of OW get involved in what they later look back upon as the biggest failure of their lives...a lot of OW are not repeat offenders and have straight paths until they meet these men and for some reason they go off the beaten path and fall for something that is so out of character for them. I am not speaking of the types of women who find themselves as being the OW repeatedly, that to me is not a person who had a moment of insanity, that to me is a person who has issues and therefore keeps inviting the scenario back into her life.

 

So for the types of women who fall for temporary out of character behaviour if you will, it is no different than the betrayed spouses who think they should give their men another chance. We choose to believe and give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

I still think a woman who takes back a man who cheated on her has more to loose than the gamble of a woman who tries to pursue a rel with a man who has cheated on another, not her. You see the dynamic is set with the man you take back. You are sending the message you are allowing him to do this to you, so long as he repents. that message is not strong enough and it is a quick fix for today but long term it doesn't sink in. I just don't think it hits home. But if a man loses everything he might change down the line because he actually feels the loss of his actions.

 

Loss produces change, the idea of loss doesn't.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

ya ok..but still not really buying into this approach..There's just too much self deprecation in this theory for me...

 

OOD,

 

You know I'm right with you here on all of this but let me propose a simple analogy..

 

If you sit in front of me and I slap you on the head, and you sat to me that's not nice and I agree but slap you on the head again, and you say that's not nice, and I agree but slap you on the head again...

 

OK, it's not your "fault" that I'm a meanie, you didn't ask to be slapped, it doesn't make what I'm doing right, but unless you either walk away or slap me back you are owning it at this point... agreeing to my abuse. Choosing to allow me to slap you because you know good and well at this point that I'm going to do it again.

 

DS, is the sweetest most empathetic child you'll ever meet. Was being bullied by kids half his age and size but could never hit back because it was wrong, he didn't want to hurt them. I LOVE HIS GENTLENESS, WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR THE WORLD. Probably the hardest thing I've ever done was to FINALLY, say... Look you can come crying to me about it being unfair but when you walk back out tomorrow they are going to do the same thing. Then next time they start pushing, or kicking, you are going to have to hit the biggest one square on in the nose, or choose to walk away and not play with them again EVER. It was the ONLY thing that was going to help his situation. Didn't make them right, didn't make his fighting back right, didn't mean he deserved to be in a situation that his action forced him to go against his core values but it was the ONLY way out of it.

 

Bullies know who to pick on and not pick on, DS is no longer bullied around here but he had to stand up for himself to stop the abuse. I understand how hard is it to be forced to go against your core values, deal with it every moment of every day, but unless a bully finds out that you will hit back they have no reason NOT to bully, and as long as one allows themself to be bullied, the bully isn't going wake up and regret their actions. With that information then we either agree to be bullied or to fight back or to walk away forever, we OWN that. KWIM.

[Trimmer]

ya ok..but still not really buying into this approach..There's just too much self deprecation in this theory for me...

OOD, if you are seeing LJ's comments as blaming you, as saying you caused the initial problem, then it would seem like self deprecation, and if you tend towards feelings that your life is out of your control, that would enhance this negative spin on it.

 

The important lesson from her comments is that you have control over your choices, and control over your life. The more firmly you accept - insist, even - that you have ownership and control of your choices and your life in general, the less you will feel like the victim, and the more prepared you will be to move into - and to control - your future.