My situation re: "should I tell"

[Mino]

LOL,

 

I've actually never written this on the board, only in a few PM's. 2/3 of a bottle of merlot and I get brave! MY H's OW has no education,had her first child when she was 13, is unintelligent, histrionic, and no class or culture.

 

My H NEEDS a wife who can entertain the family's of wealthy business owners from all over the world while the guys golf and do "business" AND pull off a sit down dinner for collegues on the same night while planning activities and supervision of their children, all the while being quite gracious and accommodating, and keeping up the conversation and looking the part and hosting his "overnight" guests in grand style. Sorry but this woman who was 6 when we married, couldn't in a million years pull off much less even attending these events. NO WAY! He wasn't EVER looking for a life partner in her, couldn't have been, she would have been an EMBARRASSMENT to him!

 

LOL, I hate to tell you, not all mm cheat down. I the the ow, make 200 k a year, own 2 homes, and can carry myself to any business party. I am independent, and quite successful. The bs, is the one who has no Job, no education and when he met her she was a waitress. At our job we are both equals, which is one of our connections, that he does not have at home. Oh by the way, I am also older then the wife:p

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I realise as someone commented recently that the ‘should you tell’ question has been done to death but every situation is different and I really wanted to gain some views on my own. You can read my previous threads to see my history with MM but basically he left nearly 2 months ago to "try again" with his wife after confessing all, moving out, taking steps to end his marriage. He claimed that he had to 'do the right thing'.

 

MM has cheated on his wife throughout the entirety of their marriage. He admits that he doesn't love her, that he compromised too much when he married her, that he never really saw marriage to her as a commitment to fidelity. He claims that if she had made the process of splitting up even slightly better than hell and agreed to put the kids first he would have gone through with the divorce.

 

Here's the thing. I know that deep down he has no intention of becoming a changed man and being faithful to her for the rest of his life. I think he is beyond change and incapable of functioning in a monogomous relationship with her. He admits himself that he needs to be loved and love so I know that he will always seek that element somewhere else.

 

I have known this all along but I now know this beyond a shadow of a doubt because he has continued to pursue me. His wife has him on a very tight leash at the moment but as he has not yet permanently moved back home he still comes round to my house late at night to talk. We still sleep together. (Yes I know I am weak and disgusting and have no self respect) I know that people will ask how I could do this and the truth is I don't know. It's twisted that he has caused me so much pain but I needed him to make it better.

 

 

My life has been permanently scarred by mm and his promises to me. I cannot get my head around the unfairness of it all. How he could leave me in this state and then just go back home with his tail between his legs and pretend to work on his marriage. Maybe if I genuinely believed that he wanted to change, that he really intended to make a go of his marriage, that he was fully committed to his family I would find it easier to accept and let him get on with it but I am so full of anger because I know that’s not the case.

 

 

I want to tell her. I want to write to her and say you might believe all his bullshi*t and be desperate to rebuild your marriage based on this changed man. But he has not changed. I want to tell her that no matter what she does and how much she doesn't let him out of her sight she can't ever trust him. I want to tell her to ask him about the mutual friend he managed to pick up and pursue a relationship with at a party he was at with her!! I want to tell her how for numerous years he was conducting relationships over the internet with her in the same house!! And I want to tell her that even if he has managed to convince her that that all happened in the past and he is now changed to ask him how many times since he left to try again he has slept with me.

 

 

Is this just bitterness speaking? Should I just swallow my anger and pain and let him get on with it. Would she rather not know the truth

 

I have tried to ask myself rationally why I feel the need to do this so much. I am trying to understand whether it is a completely selfish thing to consider which would do no good.

 

 

There are 3 reasons:

 

1) Firstly and undeniably the most overriding reason is that I don't see why he should get away with this and be able to lie his way back into his marriage after ruining my life when I know he is incapable of change.

 

2) I feel that after all he has put his wife through she at least deserves to make the decision to rebuild her marriage based on the truth

 

3) I feel that this is a way for me to end it with MM once and for all. I've got to the point where I feel sickened by him and disgusted with myself. If I do this the chances are that he will have to cut me out of his life and so I will have no choice but to get on with my life.

 

I am prepared to accept all of the negativity and painful comments that I’m sure are coming my way because I really do need some advice. Rest assured I am already full to the brim of self hatred. But I feel incapable of thinking rationally at the moment and I don’t want to do something rash that will make everything even worse.

 

And yes I am determined to end this now whatever happens. Even if it kills me it's over.

Shades,

 

I say let her know all that you know, the only problem that I see is that in her eyes the information is coming from the enemy and she will question your motive and HE will run with that to encourage it. She'll be fine, what doesn't kill her will make her stronger...eventually. She'll learn the hard way to distance her self from people like that and you can pat yourself of the back for teaching her a much needed life lesson. I have thought over and over about WHO I COULD tell. I know several women who might could use the information I have, I would only tell a very close friend though, myself. I really dont see how at this point your motives matter at all, the damage is done/ ended, I mean (on your end it seems) and he will continue in his ways as you have stated, what does your MOTIVE matter, in the long run?

 

That was my answer to the original question, actually stayed away from posting until some poster suggested that you were a victim yourself and didn't have a responsibility for the situation which you found yourself in. I realize that YOU never said that I replied to another posters opinion on that, wasn't BS against OW, it was lack of accepting responsibility for ones actions or the thought of being victimized that compelled me to post my first post on this thread.

 

And to MINO, ofcourse not all MM cheat down, I never said that they did, I said IN MY SITUATION SHE COULDN'T HAVE EVEN BEEN HIS WIFE. That actually hurt more to find out than finding out he was in love with a woman whom he COULD have married. I would have rather realized that than the fact that he was a user. My feelings on that have nothing to do with the OW even in my own case. She is responsible for her predicatment though as she knew well what she was doing. Her lack of concern for others actually propetuated her own predicament, which is where I was coming from.

[Tomcat33]

Its not called bragging, I do not think I am better then BS, But I do have a problem with BS on this OW message board, insulting the OW. The point I was making is that OW, are usually independent woman, who work hard, Put there children through college by themselves, we do not rely on a man to make it through life. If you BS want to insult and bitch about the OW, go back to your BETRAYED SPOUSES BOARD!!! What are you doing here anyway? Getting rid of your anger? You should be looking at your husband, who completely lied to you, who only admitted after he was caught. For you to believe the WH to be inocent, and the wicked OW MADE him have an A, because she pursued him, cause he was drinking and could not say no, and then the Bad OW blackmailed him to stay in A, and then beg for your forgiveness( cause he is now afraid you will take his retirement, his paycheck His house, ) Your right, I be angry too. So its much easier in your shoes to be mad at all OW, instead of looking at him with open eyes. So Melissa, maybe you should try to learn something while you are on OW board, instead of trying to insult us

 

Mino you know what? you don't need to explain it, we get it...well most of us do. I don't think we need to be justified to anyone. We know our worth and if we get accused to coming across superior at times well that's just the way it is. I think its easier for people to peg us as psycho losers with no job no life and no self esteem who are inferior in every way, it helps them to accept their reality. So don't let those comment get to you. If you do, you stoop to their level and you are better than that.

 

I gave up trying to justify myself on here a long time ago. I did it once early on when I felt the need to protect myself but very quickly learned there is nothing you can say to change the narrow minds of those who only see the world though what has happened to them and through the stereo types they wish to believe. And I agree there is really no room on this board for jabs from women who are still healing from their own pain, when the same questions are turned back on to them they cry "victim". I guess if you wanna play dirty you have to be ready to take the dirt when it's dished back to you.

 

I say if you can't play fair then don't play at all..but then again who am I to say what's what, right?

[Tomcat33]

SHADES:

 

check out the following thread

 

TJ on telling the betrayed spouse, from the bs's view

 

now there is good insight into what you are asking in this thread, from the prespective of a BS. She shares some great insight and she is level headed and respectful in the way she conveys her thoughts. I think you will benefit more from talking to her on there than you will from some of the bitter comments offered here that are just useless venting that are not going to help you at all.

[Tomcat33]

And to MINO, ofcourse not all MM cheat down, I never said that they did, I said IN MY SITUATION SHE COULDN'T HAVE EVEN BEEN HIS WIFE. That actually hurt more to find out than finding out he was in love with a woman whom he COULD have married. I would have rather realized that than the fact that he was a user. My feelings on that have nothing to do with the OW even in my own case. She is responsible for her predicatment though as she knew well what she was doing. Her lack of concern for others actually propetuated her own predicament, which is where I was coming from.

 

 

Who cares if she could be his W or not, while he was having the A he prefered spending time with her in any shape way or form over spedning it with you. That should be the focus not whether she was better or worse than you!

[Trimmer]

I think its easier for people to peg us as psycho losers with no job no life and no self esteem who are inferior in every way, it helps them to accept their reality.

The lament of both sides (other than the WS) in affairs, isn't it? Conflict, and common ground, all at the same time.

[outofdarkness]

OOD,

 

You know I'm right with you here on all of this but let me propose a simple analogy..

 

If you sit in front of me and I slap you on the head, and you sat to me that's not nice and I agree but slap you on the head again, and you say that's not nice, and I agree but slap you on the head again...

 

OK, it's not your "fault" that I'm a meanie, you didn't ask to be slapped, it doesn't make what I'm doing right, but unless you either walk away or slap me back you are owning it at this point... agreeing to my abuse. Choosing to allow me to slap you because you know good and well at this point that I'm going to do it again.

 

DS, is the sweetest most empathetic child you'll ever meet. Was being bullied by kids half his age and size but could never hit back because it was wrong, he didn't want to hurt them. I LOVE HIS GENTLENESS, WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR THE WORLD. Probably the hardest thing I've ever done was to FINALLY, say... Look you can come crying to me about it being unfair but when you walk back out tomorrow they are going to do the same thing. Then next time they start pushing, or kicking, you are going to have to hit the biggest one square on in the nose, or choose to walk away and not play with them again EVER. It was the ONLY thing that was going to help his situation. Didn't make them right, didn't make his fighting back right, didn't mean he deserved to be in a situation that his action forced him to go against his core values but it was the ONLY way out of it.

 

Bullies know who to pick on and not pick on, DS is no longer bullied around here but he had to stand up for himself to stop the abuse. I understand how hard is it to be forced to go against your core values, deal with it every moment of every day, but unless a bully finds out that you will hit back they have no reason NOT to bully, and as long as one allows themself to be bullied, the bully isn't going wake up and regret their actions. With that information then we either agree to be bullied or to fight back or to walk away forever, we OWN that. KWIM.

point taken..guess I'm just not at a place right now where I can "own" up to anything...I just keep thinking, I didn't ask for this..I just trusted....If he hadn''t cheated, I wouldn't even be ON LS..would I???don't mean to be snippy, but this sort of discussion strikes a cord w/ me...mabey I'm just not ready for it...thanks though.

[Tomcat33]

point taken..guess I'm just not at a place right now where I can "own" up to anything...I just keep thinking, I didn't ask for this..I just trusted....If he hadn''t cheated, I wouldn't even be ON LS..would I???don't mean to be snippy, but this sort of discussion strikes a cord w/ me...mabey I'm just not ready for it...thanks though.

 

 

ODD I think what they mean is, and yes I totally agree with you you did not ask for his cheating you didn't ask for it one bit, nor have you done things in the marriage to MAKE him cheat. He cheated on his own regardless of how good you are a W. But what they mean is that if you keep going back to the same scenario that is where your ownership comes into play. The first time you gave him the benefit of the doubt, which is fine you wanted to prove to yourself "did he make a mistake can we move on from this" but when he took that and threw it back at you time and time again, not respecting that you went out of your way to forgive him the first time, it is at that point that your ownership of your own pain comes into play. You know now he cannot be trusted, you know he cannot change so you are the one who is allowing him to come back and hurt you.

 

You really are trying to fit a square peg into a circle so if you see it is not fitting, you have the choice to keep trying and not be surprised of the outcome or to try another spot.

[Mino]

Hi Tomcat, I know you are right, I should avoid insulting comments from some of the bs. I just got upset that they want to throw us under one hat. Like we intended to fall in love with mm. Like we are getting crumbs, that is to be debated. Believe me, I would not wish this road for my worst enemy. I do feel bad for bs, they are hurting just like us. no more, no less, The only happy person in the bunch seems to be the MM. I have been in NC, but Xmm keeps trying, even showed up at my house. Its tough, since feelings are still strong. I have thought to myself many times, to tell the BS. I would want to know, since she has to cook, clean, takes care of all his dirty work. She has a right to know after 3 years..... and even though I went nc, he still trying. I would be livid if I were her. But by how SOME BS act on this board, I know now, they dont want to know truth. And MM will let dust settle and then be on a mission to find next A, all because he CAN get away with it! They will always be mad at the ow, never him

[Mino]

My H's needs aren't too different from yours, minus the supervision of kids. Most of his colleagues that even have children, have grown children. But its not uncommon for them to "cheat down".

 

OW like the one in your case don't see it that way. They figure a classy, wealthy MM means that they are the same. Either that or it becomes a contest against the W, that while older is still very much out of their league.

 

Maybe we should take this to PM. If you are interested.

this is what I was refering to:mad:

[Trimmer]

I just got upset that they want to throw us under one hat.

Fair enough, so don't fall prey to that tendency yourself:

But by how SOME BS act on this board, I know now, they dont want to know truth.

Don't give up on your empathy just because of an experience here. The real deal is that every situation is different, every person is an individual, and no one brush fits all.

[Tomcat33]

Hi Tomcat, I know you are right, I should avoid insulting comments from some of the bs. I just got upset that they want to throw us under one hat. Like we intended to fall in love with mm. Like we are getting crumbs, that is to be debated. Believe me, I would not wish this road for my worst enemy. I do feel bad for bs, they are hurting just like us. no more, no less, The only happy person in the bunch seems to be the MM. I have been in NC, but Xmm keeps trying, even showed up at my house. Its tough, since feelings are still strong. I have thought to myself many times, to tell the BS. I would want to know, since she has to cook, clean, takes care of all his dirty work. She has a right to know after 3 years..... and even though I went nc, he still trying. I would be livid if I were her. But by how SOME BS act on this board, I know now, they dont want to know truth. And MM will let dust settle and then be on a mission to find next A, all because he CAN get away with it! They will always be mad at the ow, never him

 

 

I agree with everything you said.

 

When I first came her I was hurting deeply I was in very rough shape emotionally, some days I would come on here for solace and find myself reading comments from some of the women on here that were so damaging to my already fragile state I would have to pull away for a few days and come back when I was feeling better because it really did a number on my head. here I thought I was turning to a forum that was intended to help us in our time of crisis and I would find it made me feel worse.

 

Today I am recovered feeling strong feeling sane, feeling good again, my anger has subsided and I can see past all the bitter unhealthy comments and all I can see when I see the same old people making the same old bitter hurtful remarks, is pain, unresolved pain unresolved issues. Today I can look beyond those comments and take them for what they really are but I can sure respect where you are coming from MINO.

 

I'm not sure at what stage of the game you are in MINO or any of the OW out there who feel fragile at this point in time...I suggest ignore those comments that are hurtful and bitter they are only there to make you feel worse, and you certainly don't need that right now regardless of the mistakes you made you don't need to be put down.

 

A last observation if I may, there are some people on here that I think are just bored they come on here to stir the pot they are clearly not happy with their lives or themselves and get some sort of pleasure from trolling people in pain.

 

It's funny but when I go into the Infidelity forum I don't see too many OW posting on there being diserespectful to the BS. Yet I do tend to see the other way around here there are a few posters who pop in every so often and just jab nothing more. At the end of the day, with the exception of a few women that have come and gone here who are serial woman haters, for the most part OW are in as much pain as the BSs are, why not have a little regard for pain and try to unite through the pain rather than insitgate more?

 

Just pain from one human being to another no one has to become best friends but a little regard does go a long way.

[Tomcat33]

this is what I was refering to:mad:

 

 

Don't even get me started on that one point. I would recommend you ignore that poster's comments. I have learned to differentiate between worth while posts and ones that should be avoided at all costs, that is one of which you will get nothing positive out of engaging.

 

And I should add there are a ton of BS on here that are amazing to exchange thoughts with, seek those out and stick to posting in conversations with them, they may differ in ideas but they do so in a respectful way. And you can actually learn from those women. I know I have. and I'm sure vice versa

[Mino]

Thank you TomCAT for your wise words. You are soooooo right. Pain is Pain no mater how you look at it. I do learn alot of what other BS go through. It helps me get a clearer view on how xmm is playing his game. I always believed everything he was saying until recently. By BS posting their expierence, It gives me insight to what I cannot see from my side. Allowing me this view has enabled me to go nc, because they are opening my eyes to what is going on on the other side of the fence...Both sides need to respect each other on this board, because WE are not the threat in their life, somebody else is.....anger is falsely directed

[NoIDidn't]

I don't know why my "cheating down" comment so bothered some here. It wasn't about anyone here. It was in response to a comment to ME. And it IS a common theme among wealthy/well-off MM. No matter how anyone wants to spin it.

 

So Mino, I am sorry that your feelings were hurt, and anyone else that was bothered by the statement.

[OpenBook]

I don't know why my "cheating down" comment so bothered some here. It wasn't about anyone here. It was in response to a comment to ME. And it IS a common theme among wealthy/well-off MM. No matter how anyone wants to spin it.

 

So Mino, I am sorry that your feelings were hurt, and anyone else that was bothered by the statement.

 

It's the tone of every one of your posts here that bothers me. (See below.) You accuse OW's of having a "superiority complex" over the BS, yet within every one of your messages it's obvious that the reverse is true.

 

And you are a BS whose H continues to cheat. It's obvious to me why you're posting these negative messages on the OM/OW forum. It's not from any humanistic desire to help anyone out at all. It's to beat up on COMPLETE STRANGERS who (to you) symbolize the pain you're feeling in your own M. Even though they have NOTHING to do with it. Even though both your "H" and his "embarrassment" are COMPLETELY UNAWARE of any of your posts on here.

 

You're trying to exorcise your demons out on the OW's posting here. Unfortunately, that's an ineffective solution. The demons are still going to be there in your M, regardless of what you say to us here. And WE are going to muddle through this somehow, and we WILL get to the other side - no matter how hard you try to push us back down.

 

And what bothers me the most about your hurtful posts is that you're kicking other human beings while they're down. That's the very definition of a bully. WE'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE RIGHT THING TO DO here, in spite of the pain we're going through, and with the knowledge that we've made a HUGE error in judgement about someone we chose to love, in spite of all the risks.

 

Your unkind words aren't doing anyone any good here. Least of all yourself.

 

Let it go' date=' Shades. You definitely sound bitter and vengeful with the reasons that you gave...[/quote']

 

Why do the OW put so much into the promises of M from a guy that's already married to someone else? I will never understand that.

 

I've been lonely' date=' precious. And I still wouldn't fall for that crap... I understand loneliness and wanting to be happy, but I am not one to wait on a man to do that for me.[/quote']

 

Shades herself said that she was only wanting to tell because of the "hideous pretense"... But if she wants to tell for that reason' date=' she should at least own it and not try to pretty it up into something else like nobility.[/quote']

 

IWWH

 

Please ignore her as best you can. She seems to think that OW is a superior breed of woman. The kind that never gets cheated on, only cheated with. And there really is no point in trying to explain your situation to her. She will only use it against you...

 

...But its not uncommon for them to "cheat down".

 

OW like the one in your case don't see it that way. They figure a classy, wealthy MM means that they are the same. Either that or it becomes a contest against the W, that while older is still very much out of their league.

[precious1357]

OpenBook

 

Thank you!

[Mino]

Hey were did some of my posts go to? HMMMM?

[Ladyjane14]

And you are a BS whose H continues to cheat. It's obvious to me why you're posting these negative messages on the OM/OW forum. It's not from any humanistic desire to help anyone out at all. It's to beat up on COMPLETE STRANGERS who (to you) symbolize the pain you're feeling in your own M. Even though they have NOTHING to do with it. Even though both your "H" and his "embarrassment" are COMPLETELY UNAWARE of any of your posts on here.

 

You're trying to exorcise your demons out on the OW's posting here. Unfortunately, that's an ineffective solution. The demons are still going to be there in your M, regardless of what you say to [b[us[/b] here.

 

Your statements are based on assumptions. I believe if you'll read closer to NID's posts, you'll find that the infidelity in her marriage is in the past.

 

It's always easier to assume that someone's "out to get you" when they don't agree with you, huh?

 

 

And WE are going to muddle through this somehow, and we WILL get to the other side - no matter how hard you try to push us back down.

 

And what bothers me the most about your hurtful posts is that you're kicking other human beings while they're down. That's the very definition of a bully. WE'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE RIGHT THING TO DO here, in spite of the pain we're going through, and with the knowledge that we've made a HUGE error in judgement about someone we chose to love, in spite of all the risks.

 

Your unkind words aren't doing anyone any good here. Least of all yourself.

 

But the bragging and crowing from some of "the sisterhood" is okay though? That's helpful???

 

 

 

I highlighted your use of "us" and "we" above, so you can see the mindset. This forum so often ends up representing itself as some kind of sick sorority. And damn near every time it happens we end up with another OW vs. BW shouting match.

 

I don't define myself in those kind of narrow terms. And while I am about as opposed to cheating and lying as a person can get, I'm not willing to slap a label on myself and join a faction over it. Realistically, if I feel the NEED to join a group... I'll sign up down at the Red Cross or join the Peace Corps.

 

So often we read in this particular forum platitudes like "every situation is different". Well, if that's the case... what's with the solidarity? And how can you open yourself to an alternative way of looking at something if you're defending your fort?

 

People come here to LS most often because what they're doing isn't working. So, unless you're willing to examine a different way of 'doing business' from every angle... you end up just having a "hen party". To be honest, I sometimes wonder if that's all some of these "sisters" want. It seems obvious in the occasional posers we get.

But damn if it doesn't get in the way of those others who are legitimately looking for answers and healing when every thread turns into a pissing match.

 

Personally, I believed (and still do) that the OP was legitimately looking for healing... otherwise I wouldn't have wasted my time posting to her. And just because I'm not f*cking somebody else's husband doesn't mean I don't know a thing or two about how to readjust an attitude so it's getting the job DONE. My situation might be "different", but the mechanics are the same.

 

It's true that I don't agree with infidelity.... and I don't agree with assisting it. And as far as "pain" is concerned, I consider the pain of the OW as largely self-inflicted, so my sympathy is limited to those who WANT to recover from it rather than extended to those who prefer wallowing in it. The question has been raised many times about why the BS gets outpourings of sympathy for his/her pain, but the OW doesn't.

 

Well, initially that's because they've been blindsided by something they had NO previous knowledge of, and they're here freshly bleeding. But if some of you will look closer, the hand-holding usually dries up for the ones who won't reach for healing, as in the case of a male poster currently screeching misogyny in the Separation/Divorce forum. You think I feel sorry for that guy at this point?

 

Anyway, my point is this... when you join a "faction" you're bound to upholding that POV. You've embraced opposition and taken up an adversarial position. And really, it's completely possible to have and express your OWN opinion without slapping a label on your forehead.

[annabelle75]

Good post OpenBook!

 

 

 

LJ-

 

Although I understand what you are saying, I believe the point of OB's post it to say that the superior/attacking posts from BS do not belong in this forum. This is a place for OW and OM to post about their issue's. I think some posters (mainly BS) seem to think that the OW/OM should only post here if they are ready to end their relationships and admit that they are subhumans that hate themselves for what they have done. That is not what this forum is here for. Each forum on LS is designated for different kinds of people in different kinds of relationships to discuss the issues they are dealing with. This is a forum for OW/OM. Its not a forum for BS to come and exercise there own person demons by abusing other OW/OM.

 

And yes, although every situation is different the OW/OM here do share a bond just as the BS do. Its a sister/brotherhood built from common experiences. And since this is the OW/OM forum, the posters here should feel free to support each other whether you personally agree with their choices or not.

[Tomcat33]

But the bragging and crowing from some of "the sisterhood" is okay though? That's helpful???

 

 

 

I highlighted your use of "us" and "we" above, so you can see the mindset. This forum so often ends up representing itself as some kind of sick sorority. And damn near every time it happens we end up with another OW vs. BW shouting match.

 

So often we read in this particular forum platitudes like "every situation is different". Well, if that's the case... what's with the solidarity? And how can you open yourself to an alternative way of looking at something if you're defending your fort?

 

People come here to LS most often because what they're doing isn't working. So, unless you're willing to examine a different way of 'doing business' from every angle... you end up just having a "hen party". To be honest, I sometimes wonder if that's all some of these "sisters" want. It seems obvious in the occasional posers we get.

But damn if it doesn't get in the way of those others who are legitimately looking for answers and healing when every thread turns into a pissing match.

 

Personally, I believed (and still do) that the OP was legitimately looking for healing... otherwise I wouldn't have wasted my time posting to her. And just because I'm not f*cking somebody else's husband doesn't mean I don't know a thing or two about how to readjust an attitude so it's getting the job DONE. My situation might be "different", but the mechanics are the same.

 

It's true that I don't agree with infidelity.... and I don't agree with assisting it. And as far as "pain" is concerned, I consider the pain of the OW as largely self-inflicted, so my sympathy is limited to those who WANT to recover from it rather than extended to those who prefer wallowing in it. The question has been raised many times about why the BS gets outpourings of sympathy for his/her pain, but the OW doesn't.

 

Well, initially that's because they've been blindsided by something they had NO previous knowledge of, and they're here freshly bleeding. But if some of you will look closer, the hand-holding usually dries up for the ones who won't reach for healing, as in the case of a male poster currently screeching misogyny in the Separation/Divorce forum. You think I feel sorry for that guy at this point?

 

Anyway, my point is this... when you join a "faction" you're bound to upholding that POV. You've embraced opposition and taken up an adversarial position. And really, it's completely possible to have and express your OWN opinion without slapping a label on your forehead.

 

 

Well that's all fine and dany but THIS IS a forum for:

 

The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

 

And how can you open yourself to an alternative way of looking at something if you're defending your fort?

 

 

 

What happens more often that not is that OW/OM come come here for support and end getting sidetracked by the snippy hurtful comments offered by the BS's who are here not to help but to defend their stance every time they hear something from the OW/OM that reminds them of their situation or that just hurts them because they don't want to hear it.

 

The question has been raised many times about why the BS gets outpourings of sympathy for his/her pain, but the OW doesn't.

 

Well quite frankly this is not the place to come for BS pitty there are a TON of infidelity sites all over the web that offer support for BSs. So if they are looking for pitty here after entering the forum with a disrespectful attitude, then I don't feel they should be granted that. Quite frankly I don't think it is about not having pitty for the BS because she/he is the BS, but more so they don't get respect for bieng rude human beings, just so happens they are also BSs sometimes.

 

Anyway, my point is this... when you join a "faction" you're bound to upholding that POV

 

Well yes that IS EXACTLY what targeted niche forums are intended to do, form comeradery and attract people of like minds. So if one of these things don't belong here then they should either conform to the rules of said place or get out.

 

This is a sorority a sorority of pain, of shared pain and shared experiences and in order to fit in you must adhere to the common cause, and that is to rise above the pain through shared experiences NOT to perpetuate it by allowing angry blows at the people here because they are trying to deal with their own pain. Go to a BS support group if you want your angry opinions understood and heard. People who just want to vent and in doing so are hruting the process of the other participants here just don't belong here.

 

You can have all sorts of opposing views and I have found those threads to be the most educational to me, the difference is that when a BS get her back up because she hears something that is just too raw for her right now, it causes a knee jerk reaction to lash out and THAT is how the threads deteriorate. And it does not work the other way around because OW/OM are here for support and in doing so they need to expose details about their A that are going to be understood by the OW/OM but may not necessarily be so easily digested by a BS.

 

But the bragging and crowing from some of "the sisterhood" is okay though? That's helpful???

 

If that's what the people on this forum need to get past their hurt then by all means it is accepted. I think it is the duty of the person who is the outsider here to use their judegement.

 

It's a matter of choice and tact really. I would never go into the infidelity forum and in a thread where the BS are letting it all out and bragging about their end of things, go in to defent the OW/OM. I FULLY understand this is part of their pain process, it is part of the healing to vent. So if I go in there looking to get my back up with every post I feel is jabbing at me because I was in an OW situation and feel hurt by the BS comments, well who is the problem the people venting on a board that is created for THEM to vent and get support, or ME who really has no business lashing back?

 

It's so simple yet so hard to understand for some...

 

OPENBOOK ANABELLE I totally agree with you

[Ladyjane14]

Although I understand what you are saying, I believe the point of OB's post it to say that the superior/attacking posts from BS do not belong in this forum.

 

There are tools in place here at LS for members to address "attacks". If you'll read Midori's post pinned to the top of the forum, not ALL opposing viewpoints are classified as "attacks". Those that are... should be reported as per the site guidelines.

 

This is a place for OW and OM to post about their issue's.

 

But the discussion of these issues is NOT limited to only specific members of the community. Now, there are other forums on the web where alternative viewpoints are disallowed. But if you've checked them out, the discussion tends to de-evolve fairly quickly.

 

And yes, although every situation is different the OW/OM here do share a bond just as the BS do. Its a sister/brotherhood built from common experiences. And since this is the OW/OM forum, the posters here should feel free to support each other whether you personally agree with their choices or not.

 

Nobody is stopping anybody else from "supporting" anyone.

An opposing viewpoint has no real POWER unless the reader gives it some. It doesn't physically stifle anyone.

 

But... I'll say again as in my previous post, I believe that forming "factions" is counterproductive to the free exchange of ideas. That's MY opinion, and if you don't like it... hey, I'm not feeling particularly "stifled".

It's as valid an opinion as any other.

 

All that said, we've gone off-topic, so I won't be offering any further comment of the subject here on this thread.

[annabelle75]

 

All that said, we've gone off-topic, so I won't be offering any further comment of the subject here on this thread.

 

That is a shame because I am very much interested in how you would respond to Tomcat's post.

 

I also think you should go back and read what you just said and ask yourself, "would I feel this same way and stand up for the OWs if they decided to start hanging out in the Infidelity or Divorce forum and began insulting and picking fights with BS that were going through painful times?" Would you?

[Tomcat33]

That is a shame because I am very much interested in how you would respond to Tomcat's post.

 

I also think you should go back and read what you just said and ask yourself, "would I feel this same way and stand up for the OWs if they decided to start hanging out in the Infidelity or Divorce forum and began insulting and picking fights with BS that were going through painful times?" Would you?

 

Yeah funny the "off topic" reminder kicks right now after I don't know how many posts of this conversation and right when asked a valid question that I have yet to have answered by a BS spouse who feels it justified to be in this forum to vent by demeaning the OW. And I think in fact it is on topic, because while this thread started very much on one path AS USUAL it got derailled due to comments that are inapropriate. I thinks it's important to talk out what the point of that really is.

[annabelle75]

Yeah funny the "off topic" reminder kicks right now after I don't know how many posts of this conversation and right when asked a valid question that I have yet to have answered by a BS spouse who feels it justified to be in this forum to vent by demeaning the OW. And I think in fact it is on topic, because while this thread started very much on one path AS USUAL it got derailled due to comments that are inapropriate. I thinks it's important to talk out what the point of that really is.

 

Exactly. People have a tendency to shut up quick when you point out their hypocrisy.