I need serious ...sorry this is long

[Mino]

Hi TOMCAT, you make me laugh, thank you, i always enjoy your post. So these guys got away with the "CRIME", just a bad thought again, tell me why are we not exposing them to there BS all the way. Cause my xmm w has very little knowlege of the intensity of a, and how long it went for. Remind me please,,,,,,

[annabelle75]

'

C'mon ladies, I know it's the easiest route to take to think HIS life is perfect and happy and yours isn't. His life is not prefect he is just happy he got away with it. Neither I or you will know just how much he respects a woman who on top being cheated on puts him on a pedestal. You'd have to be pretty desperate to do that, I seriously DOUBT she is putting him on a pedestal. As I doubt he is THAT happy. But heck of you act happy you ARE happy, or are you....?

 

I some times wonder how some women can justify begging a man to stay with them and then bending over backwards and treating them like kings so they don't leave again. How do they respect themselves? I keep hearing it is for the sake of their children but I have a daughter and I still left my husband. I didn't feel I had to stay and deal with his crap for her sake. I'm not being judgemental of BS but just voicing something that has always perplexed me. I can't see there being any situation where I would degrade myself in such a way. Once I found out my H had been cheating I couldn't have gotten rid of him fast enough. He was the one that was begging me to stay, which he rightfully should have. I was a good wife and deserved better.

[Mino]

The reason I think he yalks to me, is because he is checking my temperture, I think he is afraid, wants to keep me on " good side", cause we also work together

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I ha. ve never broken up with someone who i was still in love with, thats why this hurts so much, usually breakup occur when your love is gone. Is it that maybe our love was deeper for them then the love that they had for us? Cause my mind is on him 24 hours a day, my heart feels like it is ripped open, in constant pain, i feel some hours that i am losing my breath, and my heart starts racing, for no reasons. I feel helpless... just want to shake him, yelling " what about us" crazy huh? i would have given anything for our relationship, What are we supposed to do with the love now? is there a button to push that says "off"? So if they loved us, why are they not feeling this pain as we do? you all say men comparmentize, but you cant just shut the feeling of love, missing someone off just like that... So does this maybe mean they maybe didn't love us at all but maybe they just thought they did? Im confussed, just does not work for me somehow. The Bs are in denial of ch, blame ow. Are happy as can be when he goes back, Ow are maybe also in denial of what Mm real feelings were all this time. we forgive them for using us in a way, still making excuses of why they HAD to go home. like oops, I am sorry , i made a mistake, 3 years, oh well. WTF. I guess I am getting angry again. Now BS and XMM are at home in honeymoon phase. GREAT, and ironically he is forgiven by both women. Go figure

 

If you find that OFF button, Mino please let me know...

[Mino]

Hi JNRR! How are you today? Tell me what time is it in England? You are 6 hours ahead? So its past 2 am, what are you still doing up? As You see I am venting. I guess I have no life after work now, so I am here practically the whole evening venting!! lol. I guess I am getting alittle angry at the same time, All these emotions going on at once, its driving me crazy as you can see. hope you are doing better then I am. take care....

[Tomcat33]

Mino!!

 

Why are you doing this to yourself? Says who, that they in their honeymoon phase? says who that things are perfect for him? Says who that he was forgiven by two women and he gets away with it scot free? C'mon you are not inside his head inside his heart. Why are you doing this to your head? It's your own negative voices that are claiming these notions because right now you CHOOSE to believe he is great and you are the only one suffering. Look all you know is that he chose to stay in his marriage, was it love, was interest was it business, the kids, awakening that he always DID love his W...you will never know. It's not as simple as he chose her and not me, just like it would not have been that way had he chosen YOU over his W, so please stop those thought dead in its tracks. when does it get better? Whe you stop feeding your poor little head all these lies based purely and solely on speculation. Life is never THAT easy, it is never that black and white. Yes men compartmentalize but those feelings those emotions they fail to deal with today will come back to bite them in the a$$ down the road. At least you are letting your toughts out you are feeling the pain as opposed to supressing it, that is how you TRULY heal. So let's just say for argument's sake that he is supressing his feelings and he is tryining his darnest to forget you and what you had, when is he purging his thoughts? His feelings and where is getting closure for what he had with you? Mino it's THREEE years you were together for a long time, it is NOT humanly possible to discard that with a flick of an off and on switch, not matter how he chooses to portray his extrerior. What is he going to do show you that he is sad and miserable? Why? Why would he do that, it was HIS choice he was to stand by his choice even if it tears him up inside.

 

Secondly, yes I know exactly what you mean. I always said getting out of this rel was unlike any other breakup beause in a normal breakup you see the end coming you are prepared one way or another for the exit where as here you have to switch gears instantly, from the highest gear to the lowest in one go, and of course it is going to be a huge shock to the system. This is what you are living now, the SHOCK. It does get better it really does, but you also have to help yourself. And you can start by wiping those crazy thoughts out of your head, it does you absolutely NO GOOD to focus on something you have no real grasp on and will NEVER know. What you think is going on with him is only your imagination and it what he wants to portray because he also doesn't want to have slip back into the temptation of starting up with you again. If he tells you how hard things are for him that will be an instant green light for you to think there is hope, and it would be too tempting for him too. He chose to stay in his marriage, and you will never know why he chose that but thinking it boils down to him loving one and not the other is just so simplistic and is rarely what prompts these men to choose as they do.

 

Lastly, it may be too fresh for you still and you are expeting a lot out of yourself too soon and that is just going to stunt you more. Exaclty how long had it been since your breakup?

 

 

I'll give you this much I am certain his W is relieved you are out of the picture in body, but the doubt that you will be with him in spirit will haunt her every day. Do you think that's easy? do you think it's fair for her to feel that way when she didn't bring that on? Things are never as simple as we choose to see them, if they were the answers would be just as simple. Nothing you can conjure up in head will either make or break his situation, you must focus on you, and the reasons why a man who was capable of such thing is now out of your life. In time you will be see the blessing that you have been granted. All the a pain and uncertainty you feel now will seem like wasted energy but it will also make you a much better version of who you were yesterday plain and simply because you chose NOT to ignore your feelings. If you supress your feelings, much like has to do, you don't grow you just coast.

 

Oh and another thing, when we went into this situation we always knew we would have the option of having him chose to go back to their Ws so we put ourselves in the situation where WE made it very easy for them to win, no matter who they chose. If you had a man in your life who was willing to do what it took to win you back wouldn't it be a lot easier for you to get over this ba$trd as well? You see for that we need to take ownership, when you break up with a normal guy he suffers in his own way, he pretends he was made a life of pretending and your A with him OPENED THE FLOODGATES TO THAT if hadn't alreay done this in the past. when we break up with a married guy he ends up in the arms of another woman who is willing to nurse him back to health. It's the price WE have to pay for getting involved with someone that was not free.

But while I will give you that, also think of this: the problems they had that lead him to stray rarely go away, slowly and surely they will creep up again and he will be left in the same predicament again having to make a choice. While you will be on your way to a new and exciting life with a new man who is not broken, who you don't need to work so hard to WIN OVER, who you will NEVER have to doubt if he is thinking of his OTHER love, or he will cheat on you again, because what he offers you that the Mjerk didn't is a CLEAN SLATE! Your ex MM no longer has a clean slate and neither does his W to work with.

 

So please stop kidding yourself that their life is perfect their life will ALWAYS be plagued by the reality that HE CHOSE TO have an affair for three years with another woman, you know as well as he does it was not about sex it was about emotions that you shared emotions that were seperate and away from his W from his life with her. If you ask me that's price enough to pay for the rest of his days. your short term suffering does not compare to their life long memory of what you and he had. Memories doen't fade, just as those very memories will always instigate feelings and emotions and what he lived with you he will ALWAYS carry inside no matter how normal and happy he looks on the outside his heart is change for ever. How could it NOT we carry a peice of every rel we've had no matter how much time has passed, in that respect it;s not different for guys, they are HUMAN just like we are at the end of the day.

 

Now Mino go have a good cry if you want to and wash your face and take a long hard look in the mirror at that pretty face of yours and assure yourself that you are going to be JUST fine!

 

Hugs to you, and to all the people who are feeling pain today for the love lost it's hard but this won't kill us, it really won't.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

So, back to work for him today and I was awoken by my phone beeping texts and voicemails, wondering where I am, what I am doing, whjy I'm not at work.

 

Eventually, I caved in a way and spoke to him. He had told our boss another reason for his absence and I had told our boss the truth, so I got him into a little hot water. Not intentional of course, I thought he may have left anyway.

 

I spoke to him and was very calm although inside I was rolling. He started to cry immediately, saying he had made a mistake, that he had panicked when he was on holiday with me and that he was in unfamiliar territory and he had to get home to make sure everything was going to okay for his kids. He said that life with his W is not what he wants, that he would be living a lie and that he didn't want to live like that, that it was unfair to her and unfair to himself, his kids and me.

 

I was as strong as I could be. He's flying to Austria tomorrow and he wanted me to tell him that I would be here for him when he got back but I couldnt tell him that. I told him that he needed to work on his M without me in the picture, give it a chance and see if he was able to live within it. If he wasn't, he could then make a decision, not based on me or us but on the breakdown of his marriage. I reminded him that it was very early days, that of course he would be missing me and that he needed to have some time. That going away (its a week long business trip) was the best thing he could possibly do for himself at the moment.

 

It was hard to say that to him. My heart was screaming at me "Take him back! Take him back! He's the love of your life!!" but my head was quietly reminding my heart that he hurts me the first time its HIS fault, let him hurt me a second time its MY fault.

 

A few hours later, I had another phone call from him. Not letting my resolve weaken, I listened whilst he apologised, said everything would have been easier if he had just told the truth to his W and said he had met someone else. Isn't hindsight a wonderful thing? He asked me if I would ever think we had a chance and I told him that last week was my darkest week, and that I would need to see him cemented on my doorstep in the future, knowing that he 100% wanted us, that he 100% knew his R with his W was over, and that he 100% told her everything and started doing "the right thing" by all of us.

 

Then, he turned up in his car outside of my house where I have been in hiding. I know this sounds so shallow, but thank god I didnt have any make up and hadnt washed my hair and had my brothers oversized pyjamas on, because if anything was going to weaken my resolve it was him turning up to see me.

 

But I told him that he had to respect my space and that he had to leave. I didnt see him even though I could see the bonnet of his car outside, listening to him sob and just wanting to open my arms and let him walk all over my heart. Some glutton for punishment I am. He apologised for turning up and drove away. He then sent me a message that his W had sent to him saying things like "I know your heart is with her, go be with her there's no point in you being here anymore your only here in body not spirit" etc. He then called me to apologise for sending this.

 

I think he may be having a bit of a meltdown himself, so that makes two of us. I was doing so well until I spoke to him and that has threw me into confusion - not complete confusion - as my heart is still getting told off by my sensible head, but confusion nevertheless.

 

I have told him that I want him to go away and think about the hurt he has caused, the decisions he has made and why he has made them. I added that if he was lucky enough that I was willing to let him back into my life at this point then so be it. But that there was a likelihood that my pain threshold has been reached and that I maybe would then be thinking that I just wanted to keep my happy memories and move on with my life without him.

 

The problem is, well, its that old chestnut - I love him. I really wish I didnt. He is on the whole a lovely person (in my mind anyway, I know on paper he sounds like a real rotter). My friend is angry with me and I can understand why. She sees me as a strong person and far too good for MM. And I understand her and respect her opinion. But I tried to explain, I cant help that I've fallen in love. I cant help that those emotions remain even though his treatment of me was nothing less than appalling. I've never felt like this before about anyone. But, I sort of think that I dont want this future with MM anymore.

 

I just wish my heart would catch up with my head.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Hi JNRR! How are you today? Tell me what time is it in England? You are 6 hours ahead? So its past 2 am, what are you still doing up? As You see I am venting. I guess I have no life after work now, so I am here practically the whole evening venting!! lol. I guess I am getting alittle angry at the same time, All these emotions going on at once, its driving me crazy as you can see. hope you are doing better then I am. take care....

 

Mino, please please listen to the words of Tomcat. Tomcat - great post as always. Maybe what you are doing is thinking of the worst thing possible - that MM is sitting in a luxurious bathrobe drinking a glass of wine and smugly thinking "Wow, I should have had more affairs! My W is great now!" This wont be the case, I promise you.

 

The W may be relieved that the affair is over but that relief will be shortlived. Because, by nature, we all need answers and getting a M on track after an affair is hard work. The W will wonder if he's thinking about you, if he's speaking to you at work, and maybe she's bottling it up because a confrontation with him will force him into your arms and she doesnt want that. But bottling is bottling and its will brim over the top eventually. MM hasn't won. He will have to deal with the void that you have left in his life and the void he now has in his M.

 

And remember, your war is not with his W. Its with him.

 

You are worth being missed - and so he will miss you. You are worth being remembered - and so he will remember you. Prove that worth to yourself by thinking positively.

 

You're spending the whole evening venting because its all so new. My friends dragged me to see Shrek 3 today (it was the only movie on!) and made me watch it, made me giggle, even though I tried to fill any silences with "So, do you think he did X because of Y?" Its how we calm ourselves. No we will never find the TRUTH but we can find our own answers and as long as we are happy with those answers, what does it matter?

 

And dont be fooled - you're doing WELL! You've come out of a car crash with some injuries that have to heal and your on your way to healing. The pain is just part of the process. Its 00:45 in a very rainy UK and I'm off to bed now. Try get some sleep if you can, and think about some mad woman in the UK who will be thinking about you whilst she tries to block out thoughts of her MM!

 

X

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I some times wonder how some women can justify begging a man to stay with them and then bending over backwards and treating them like kings so they don't leave again. How do they respect themselves? I keep hearing it is for the sake of their children but I have a daughter and I still left my husband. I didn't feel I had to stay and deal with his crap for her sake. I'm not being judgemental of BS but just voicing something that has always perplexed me. I can't see there being any situation where I would degrade myself in such a way. Once I found out my H had been cheating I couldn't have gotten rid of him fast enough. He was the one that was begging me to stay, which he rightfully should have. I was a good wife and deserved better.

 

I'm without doubt in agreement with your wonder on this one Annabelle. It is degrading, and MM does that to both the OW and the BS in equal measure. If I was in W's shoes I think, if I'm honest, an element of competition would come into it at first, someone walking on my territory. But I know myself, and I know that eventually I'd just start to think, "Hey, you want to go be with her, go on! I'm not going to beg you to stay!"

[Tomcat33]

WOW Je Ne - that is some update!!! What do you think you will do? Where is your head at right now? Can you trust that it is true this time? It must have been a relief to at least know that he is having second thoughts.

Good for you for telling him to go and work on his M for suggesting that he be 100% sure of what he wants, I know it must have taken all of your being to muster those words but it MUST be said, and you must stick to that otherwise you are just setting yourself up for more possible pain.

[Mino]

THANKS TOMCAT! That was a inspiring post from you, and i cried the whole way reading it, I wish I was as far as you....... you seem so understanding. My mm is on zooloft, bc of ocd, he went on meds last year because we thought that would help him leave, He always said he was "stuck" making that last step. The funny thing is this medication has cured him 90% of his ocd, but in the process, changed his personality. He was becoming distant in the last 3 months. He said the med, kinda made him numb, memory goes pretty bad, So, He is feeling know pain since he is on 200mg, the highest one can take. Its been 6 days of nc, except at work, and The 1 im yesterday. # months of hell( lies and coldness) Thank you again for all your support!!! I dont know how I would get through this with out ALL of you! I have very few friends to talk to, since I made the mistake and focused all time on him

[Mino]

THANKS TOMCAT! That was a inspiring post from you, and i cried the whole way reading it, I wish I was as far as you....... you seem so understanding. My mm is on zooloft, bc of ocd, he went on meds last year because we thought that would help him leave, He always said he was "stuck" making that last step. The funny thing is this medication has cured him 90% of his ocd, but in the process, changed his personality. He was becoming distant in the last 3 months. He said the med, kinda made him numb, memory goes pretty bad, So, He is feeling know pain since he is on 200mg, the highest one can take. Its been 6 days of nc, except at work, and The 1 im yesterday. # months of hell( lies and coldness) Thank you again for all your support!!! I dont know how I would get through this with out ALL of you! I have very few friends to talk to, since I made the mistake and focused all my time on him

[OpenBook]

He had told our boss another reason for his absence... He started to cry immediately, saying he had made a mistake... that life with his W is not what he wants, that he would be living a lie... he wanted me to tell him that I would be here for him when he got back ... he apologised, said everything would have been easier if he had just told the truth to his W ... He asked me if I would ever think we had a chance ... Then, he turned up in his car outside of my house ... He then sent me a message that his W had sent to him saying things like "I know your heart is with her, go be with her ..." I think he may be having a bit of a meltdown himself.

 

Ya THINK?? I started reading your post and my mouth just dropped open. This guy sounds like a total Drama Queen. God, who needs it?!??

 

And the one thing I am NOT seeing in all of this is, his commitment to you. It's all just CON-VER-SATION.

 

I cannot believe he has the nerve to come back and pull all this sh*t on you. I'm sorry, I just can't believe it.

 

You're right to stay strong and call his bluff.

 

Maybe the truth will set you free... No??

[Mino]

Thank you JNRR, for all your support. JNRR, I have been where you are too, This is not the first breakup, others only last 3-4 days. The first time, he came into my officw and broke down, saying he cant live w/o me, and he thinks he made a mistake, We made up. The second time after 4 days, he wants to come over, I was leaving to go to Europe for a month, I own home there, @ days before I go, he comes over, in tears, saying he needs me, wants to be with me, and if aI would still want him, he would fly with me. Again we made up, He stayed for a week, had to go back to US cause of work. We had one of the best times of our lives. His w found is flight papers a day after he got home. I came back few weeks later, he had a co trip to go on, with family, I said to him if he goes, were over...... He went with w, Emails me everyday, that this is how he wants to end it with her. Begs me to take him back after he comes home. I said ok, you got 24 hours, he comes back, less then 20 he is standing at the door. Wife show up 3 hours later. The next 2 weeks were hell, since he had to go home everyday to see his child, then on second week, he tells me he is staying the night, because he wants to put child to bed that night, He stays for good, saying he needs more time, 3 months of distanting, now he wants break to gain perspective. You see JNRR, they are really never happy , no matter where they are. I will not be fooled again. I am not cried my heart out this last 6 days for nothing. The only way he would even stand a chance with me, is IF HE MOVED OUT FIRST and with SEPERATION PAPERS IN HAND!!!! I cannot imagaine having to start this pain over again on day ONE. We have come 6 days!!!! Dont let his tears pull you back, if he really wants your r to work, let him SHOW YOU, words mean nothing at this point. the flipflopping will drive you even more insane..... Wishing you strenght, and I will be thinking about you too, talk to you tomorrow

[OpenBook]

Thank you again for all your support!!! I dont know how I would get through this with out ALL of you! I have very few friends to talk to, since I made the mistake and focused all my time on him

 

We've been through it, Mino. We know how it feels. Don't ever think you're alone in this. Tomcat (from what I've seen on LS) is a Very Cool Chick and has a tremendous amount of insight, I've learned a great deal from her posts.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

This guy sounds like a total Drama Queen. God, who needs it?!??

 

I agree with OpenBook here. HE sounds emotionally weak. First, he blew you off in the middle of your holliday together and flew home to his W. Then, he couldn't hold his tears??

 

The most appalling shtick that he pulled was showing you the messages from his W intended for HIM!! Geez, this guy is a MAJOR manipulator of the heart!. He makes me so mad!

 

JeNe, you may be inlove with him now, but I doubt the feelings you have for him will last long enough to carry your relationship with him into old age. He feeds off on drama, and I'll bet that the calmness of his family life is what is "wrong" with his marriage!

 

Stay away from him, and you will see another side of him. He is bad news. Listen to your friend. You do sound like a level-headed woman. You did all the right things by avoiding him. Don't let him pull you into another rendevouz.

[Tomcat33]

Thanks Openbook that was such a nice thing to say...I'm e-blushing. I am no different here than I am in my daily life, I will give to a stranger in pain if I can help as much as I would for a loved one. Pain is pain...and we are all united by it. Some days I don't know if I am coming of going, I have my momentary lapses but each day I get a LOT better/stronger, and my days of clarity more than make up for my mini-set-backs...I try to share what I feel in the days of clarity.

 

Mino: honey it's only been 6 days for you my goodness you are in the absolute thick of it. I know how gut wrenching the pain is for you now it is so so fresh please don't try to rush yourself out of it I know you want to stop hurting but you just can't right now, it is too fresh. But as I said before, though you can't make the pain disappear right now, you help it in that you can stop feeding all those negative fantasies to yourself. They are merely that, fantasies. Don't allow those thoughts to wonder and do you more harm than you need right now. I know negativity comes with the turf, but please please do not do that to yourself. And most importantly ingore those posts that only serve one purpose, to kick you when you are down. A few pages back there was one of those but thankfully it went unnoticed by everyone, and I would urge you to do just that when you read something that is mean spirited and that really has nothing to do with you or any of us really. All situations are different, and just like I don't have a crystal ball I do know enough about life that things are not always as they appear. already in the advice you gave Je NE you are coming to some good realisations that are coming from your rational mind. Good for you for having moments of clarity and acknowledging them!!!

 

Focus on you right now and in how YOU feel and how unhappy and unfair the rel with this MM was, how it was just not healthy for you. Of course right now you feel pain you are experiencing the loss, but that's natural. In time you will see things more clearly you will come to your own conclusions on your particular situation given what you DO know and will be able see the good rather than the bad. Keep focusing on what you know and not on what you DON'T know, that is really the best thing you can do for yourself right now. Getting caught up in specualtion is not the way to go and most importantly be patient with yourself. You are not alone in what you feel and all your feelings are valid.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Ya THINK?? I started reading your post and my mouth just dropped open. This guy sounds like a total Drama Queen. God, who needs it?!??

 

And the one thing I am NOT seeing in all of this is, his commitment to you. It's all just CON-VER-SATION.

 

I cannot believe he has the nerve to come back and pull all this sh*t on you. I'm sorry, I just can't believe it.

 

You're right to stay strong and call his bluff.

 

Maybe the truth will set you free... No??

 

I agree, Openbook. Its all words, no actions. Its himself he has thought about, once again, not me, not my feelings, not how hard it has been.

 

I honestly think that I can make it now though. The more words and less actions he shows, the more I think "I would be better off without him". He's doing himself a disservice with me, trying to be romantic when I'm not in anyway in a romantic mood.

 

He is away for a week, I'm going on a holiday and I'm hoping that it will be out of sight, out of mind. A change of scenery might give me the chance to recognise there's a million opportunities open to me, not just him.

 

It felt good to know he wanted me back, I'm not going to deny that. But it also felt good knowing that I felt a little control coming back, that I could say no to him, that it's my choice if I want to be with him, not his choice if he wants to leave his life for me.

 

By the way, part of me thinks it's not CON-VER-SATION. That its actually just BULL-S&%T lol

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Thank you JNRR, for all your support. JNRR, I have been where you are too, This is not the first breakup, others only last 3-4 days. The first time, he came into my officw and broke down, saying he cant live w/o me, and he thinks he made a mistake, We made up. The second time after 4 days, he wants to come over, I was leaving to go to Europe for a month, I own home there, @ days before I go, he comes over, in tears, saying he needs me, wants to be with me, and if aI would still want him, he would fly with me. Again we made up, He stayed for a week, had to go back to US cause of work. We had one of the best times of our lives. His w found is flight papers a day after he got home. I came back few weeks later, he had a co trip to go on, with family, I said to him if he goes, were over...... He went with w, Emails me everyday, that this is how he wants to end it with her. Begs me to take him back after he comes home. I said ok, you got 24 hours, he comes back, less then 20 he is standing at the door. Wife show up 3 hours later. The next 2 weeks were hell, since he had to go home everyday to see his child, then on second week, he tells me he is staying the night, because he wants to put child to bed that night, He stays for good, saying he needs more time, 3 months of distanting, now he wants break to gain perspective. You see JNRR, they are really never happy , no matter where they are. I will not be fooled again. I am not cried my heart out this last 6 days for nothing. The only way he would even stand a chance with me, is IF HE MOVED OUT FIRST and with SEPERATION PAPERS IN HAND!!!! I cannot imagaine having to start this pain over again on day ONE. We have come 6 days!!!! Dont let his tears pull you back, if he really wants your r to work, let him SHOW YOU, words mean nothing at this point. the flipflopping will drive you even more insane..... Wishing you strenght, and I will be thinking about you too, talk to you tomorrow

 

Mino - That night when he said, "I need to put the child to bed" - how dare he. How dare he use his children as an excuse to you when in fact its his own fear and inability of telling you the truth. How dare he do it all to you! Arghhh, they completely drive me mad.

 

I cant either imagine starting this pain over again, no way, I couldn't do it. I was in a very bad place last week, questioning my own mental health which I have never done before. I hold him wholly responsible for that. That is the first and last time I will allow him to willingly hurt me.

 

In fact, if anyone likes music, check out the lyrics to this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZyTOROlo9E its something that makes me smile even though its very bad!

 

He's out of the country now, and I have breathed a sigh of relief. I dont have to worry about him turning up out of will for at least a week. The only reasons I would even contemplate getting back with him now are:

 

1) He tells me that he has signed his divorce papers shows me the papers, tells his W the truth about his R with me, buys a new house (which was in his plans originally anyway) and that he intends to live alone, grieve his M and then, after he has done that and if he still wants to, to see if I am single and I would think about working on a future together after his divorce has come through - and understands if I decide that I dont want that future anymore

 

2) I have some sort of brain transplant

 

I think its more likely that we will find Elvis landing in a UFO on the Loch Ness Monsters back than number 1 happening to be honest, and therefore I am very aware of the fact that it's over. I believed his lies were my reality. They weren't. I was stupid to believe him. But the positive to come out of the situation is that I never knew I could love someone like I loved him. And I just hope I can love someone like that in the future.

 

We're strong Mino, they might try and break us but as the song lyrics say, "I was so lost back then, but with a little help from my friends, I found the light in the tunnel at the end"

[Shades of Grey]

Firstly you guys on this thread are all AMAZING. I have been without internet access for a few days and have just read through this entire post nodding, weeping, exclaiming, howling, blah blah blah

 

SO SO many things resonated with me. I'm like - it's my life, it's my relationship these people are talking about. It's truely scary!

 

I have read the post about the cake man (Thank you OP) over and over and actually forwarded it to my MM. It is him! Tom Cat I think it was you who said the below:

 

I know I could relate to it given a lot of why my guy had told me about his marriage, about why he married, about how he was NEVER excited about their union. He event went as far as saying his wedding was the most boring day of his life (OUCH) He was a non drinker and got drunk just to get through it.

 

My MM was exactly the same about his feelings towards his marriage, he was dating his wife, she was pressuring him about where it was leading, he was ready to settle and have children and he thought why shouldn't it lead somewhere? He has recounted to me several times through the course of our relationship a story from his wedding day when he realised that she would never be who he wanted/needed her to be. (I won't go into it here) He always knew that she would be a good wife and a good mother and he said that he compromised maybe too much. I just think he always knew that his marriage wouldn't be the end of his seeking what he was really looking for on another level elsewhere. Classic cakeman?

 

And so he did, continously throughout the marriage, leading to me.

 

He says he is doing the right thing by everyone in going back but I just cannot comprehend how he can think that. It's not like he fell in love with me, we had an affair, he realised he loved his wife and it was a huge mistake, he wants to go back and make things right.

 

He admits he doesn't love her that way and probably never will. I have tried to console myself over the past few weeks because I know he loved me and I do know that. However if he can choose that "half life" (his words) over me how can he? He says he wants to try with his family. Does anyone think he can really change that much? I'd like to think the sacrifice he made in giving me up was worth it but in my heart I truely can't see him being content in his marriage for the rest of his life. I know that MM's are notoriously liars but I also know that our closeness and the openess we shared was not imagined.

 

Sorry going way off thread here. I don't know what i'm trying to say. I'm just spilling my guts and feelings I suppose. This is where I am right now.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Firstly you guys on this thread are all AMAZING. I have been without internet access for a few days and have just read through this entire post nodding, weeping, exclaiming, howling, blah blah blah

 

SO SO many things resonated with me. I'm like - it's my life, it's my relationship these people are talking about. It's truely scary!

 

I have read the post about the cake man (Thank you OP) over and over and actually forwarded it to my MM. It is him! Tom Cat I think it was you who said the below:

 

I know I could relate to it given a lot of why my guy had told me about his marriage, about why he married, about how he was NEVER excited about their union. He event went as far as saying his wedding was the most boring day of his life (OUCH) He was a non drinker and got drunk just to get through it.

 

My MM was exactly the same about his feelings towards his marriage, he was dating his wife, she was pressuring him about where it was leading, he was ready to settle and have children and he thought why shouldn't it lead somewhere? He has recounted to me several times through the course of our relationship a story from his wedding day when he realised that she would never be who he wanted/needed her to be. (I won't go into it here) He always knew that she would be a good wife and a good mother and he said that he compromised maybe too much. I just think he always knew that his marriage wouldn't be the end of his seeking what he was really looking for on another level elsewhere. Classic cakeman?

 

And so he did, continously throughout the marriage, leading to me.

 

He says he is doing the right thing by everyone in going back but I just cannot comprehend how he can think that. It's not like he fell in love with me, we had an affair, he realised he loved his wife and it was a huge mistake, he wants to go back and make things right.

 

He admits he doesn't love her that way and probably never will. I have tried to console myself over the past few weeks because I know he loved me and I do know that. However if he can choose that "half life" (his words) over me how can he? He says he wants to try with his family. Does anyone think he can really change that much? I'd like to think the sacrifice he made in giving me up was worth it but in my heart I truely can't see him being content in his marriage for the rest of his life. I know that MM's are notoriously liars but I also know that our closeness and the openess we shared was not imagined.

 

Sorry going way off thread here. I don't know what i'm trying to say. I'm just spilling my guts and feelings I suppose. This is where I am right now.

 

SOG, are we the same person? Lol.

 

I know exactly how you feel. I try to rationalise that my MM returned because it was what he knew, it was easier than seeing if we really truely were soulmates and in the end being disappointed that we weren't. But I rationalise and I rationalise and then I get to the point that there is no point in rationalising an irrational persons actions. If that makes any sense at all!

 

Its so hard to figure it all out. Is he going back to a M that he is unhappy in because he feels like its the honourable thing to do? Or is it all lies, does he actually love his W but wants to be made feel special by me too? I dont know, and will never know the answer. To be honest, I dont know if I even want to hear his answers anymore, I think I will only ever be able to find my own.

[MeMyself]

I am writing here now to stop myself from contacting him to lash out at him. I am angry right now (do you all find that our emotions see saw from one to the next). How Dare he walk away and act like me and my son never existed. Whether he is coping or not, is beside the point. How dare he leave me questioning how much of our relationship was truth and how much was lies. For 2 years, we had a "normal" relationship. For 2 years he was separated, living in a different house, city, the papers had been served and they had even been given a court date, but it was postponed because he wanted shared custocy and she refused. So everything looked like it was falling into place, yet he still went back. I know it is not a bed of roses for him, but how dare he be able to act like he doesn't care.

 

When I am angry like this I like to listen to Kelly Clarkson's song "Never Again". If you haven't heard it, at least look up the lyrics.

 

Thank you for allowing me to come here to vent. Else I would definitely not be in No Contact. And thank you for making me laugh at some of your comments and analogies.

You are all amazing and we'll get each other through this.

[Shades of Grey]

SOG, are we the same person? Lol.

 

I think we may indeed have been separated at birth lol

 

You're right though, at the end of the day it doesn't matter what his reasons were does it? I don't think we will ever understand why or how but what difference would it make if we did.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I am writing here now to stop myself from contacting him to lash out at him. I am angry right now (do you all find that our emotions see saw from one to the next). How Dare he walk away and act like me and my son never existed. Whether he is coping or not, is beside the point. How dare he leave me questioning how much of our relationship was truth and how much was lies. For 2 years, we had a "normal" relationship. For 2 years he was separated, living in a different house, city, the papers had been served and they had even been given a court date, but it was postponed because he wanted shared custocy and she refused. So everything looked like it was falling into place, yet he still went back. I know it is not a bed of roses for him, but how dare he be able to act like he doesn't care.

 

When I am angry like this I like to listen to Kelly Clarkson's song "Never Again". If you haven't heard it, at least look up the lyrics.

 

Thank you for allowing me to come here to vent. Else I would definitely not be in No Contact. And thank you for making me laugh at some of your comments and analogies.

You are all amazing and we'll get each other through this.

 

Wow, Memyself, they are some powerful lyrics. Its amazing to see the seesaw. Through this whole thread which is, 6 days old now? My emotions have gone from desolation to anger to sorrow to love to hate. All over the place.

 

I dont want to sound too harsh, but your MM is an idiot. He's given up a relationship with you and your little boy through the manipulations of his W and the ridiculous thought he is doing the right thing by his child by entering into what sounded like a ridiculously unhappy relationship. I once heard someone say "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one". The odds after a two-year seperation of getting back any magic, well, they've got to be miniscule. I've got a terrible feeling that once his child is older, he/she will get involved in the relationship between W & MM, as W must realise that the powerful tool that has finally got him back is his child and that tool could be used again as a control mechanism. Lets hope not, but I know that its happened with my MM.

 

Your MM might be with someone but he most definitely is alone.

 

Keep on the thread. Don't lose your cool. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing you're angry. Let those memories of your relationship flood back to him. Let him deal with them. It will happen and that's when you will have your moment. You're doing too well to let NC slip away from you now.

 

All these great women (and men) on this thread, we're all here for each other and here for you too. Our pain has united us, and since we're all pretty fabulous people, our humour and care has united us too.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

SOG, are we the same person? Lol.

 

I think we may indeed have been separated at birth lol

 

You're right though, at the end of the day it doesn't matter what his reasons were does it? I don't think we will ever understand why or how but what difference would it make if we did.

 

Its so bizarre about how similar all of our experiences are.

 

I'm trying to figure out what answers I want from him. Why did he continue with the R? Why did he continue with his M if he was so unhappy? But at the end of the day, his answers are going to be "Because I loved you" and "Because I was confused and felt guilty". Those answers serve me no purpose anymore.

 

So instead I'm going to start asking my own questions. "Why did I allow someone to treat me this way for so long?" "Do I still believe in True Love, and if so, is true love something different to what I had with my MM?" "Why was I so able to settle for so much less?" "Why do I treat others as number one and never let myself be number one?" There's so many answers I need to find from myself and its going to be scary finding them and I'm not really sure how to start, but I think its the only way I can continue forward now.