I need serious ...sorry this is long

[Mino]

well I made it out of bed today and pulled myself together and went to work. Yesterday was a horrible day. I had spent 48 hours in my bed, crying my heart and guts out, sleeping and staring at the wall. I thought I would not live to see tomorrow. The pain was so intense, I just could not believe after all we shared, that he would be such a coward to take the easy path. He made a choice on guilt, and fear. not love. How sad it is to be him. This morning I finally got out of this painful bed, my back has been aching, for laying down too long. I wore a beautiful outfit to work today and walked in with my head up high. I went about my business, chit chatting a little along the way. Ran into mm about 5 times. just said hello, and kept going. He came into me office to chit chat for awile, talking as everything is normal. ( he usually never come to my office) I just nodded but didnt respond much. As I left, he happen to be behind me, I glance over, looked into eyes, and said bye. Then I walked out, I could see he was unsure, looked kinda lost. But i have to move forward, Now I am sitting at home alone. Lost as well, since this was always our time. Dont know what to do with myself, so I am in my bed again with my laptop. Feeling sad, but much better then yesterday. Hope your day was better too;)

[Tomcat33]

Mino: glad to see you are feeling better today, ride the good wave and slowly rebuild your strength

 

I don't think they chose the "easy way" I thini they chose the "honourable" thing to do given all the guilt they feel for having hurt their partners/family as they did. And yes of course we are the casualties in all of this but let's face it we always knew this was an option, to be left with nothing that is....You know it took me a lot to get to this realization it took me a lot to be really objective and pragmatic about looking at things, it very hard to seperate my emotions from this but I HAVE to be as pragamatis as I can muster to see it for what it is. And it time it makes perfect sense it really is that way. And yes I know they also chose what they did for "love" I mean sure they do love their spouses one way or another even if they choose to play it down there is still some love there.

But going back to the original point it is NOT the easy way, there are too many things that we cannot see from the outside that prompted them to go back, too many reasons we cannot understand.

 

It's not as cut and dry as he loves her and not me or he loves me and not her.....it is the whole lifestyle the fear of the unknown, the financial, the starting over, the what ifs....you know marriage is a business after time, it's no longer about pure emotions. In some marriages it was NEVER about pure emotions it was about the business. People don't go back to their marriages after an affair and feel WOW this is what I wanted all along that person I loved was a total figment of my imagination...yes in some cases yes they do feel this but in most, and more importantly in the ones where the men went as far as making steps to initiate a D or seperation by moving out etc. the rel they had with us is not forgotten just like that.

Some of these men were "pressured" into marriage after many years of dating the women they are with so that in and of itself tells you it was not one of those mind blowing romances it was a comfortable, ok this isn't going to get any better but it's not bad so let's take it to the next level. I know for a fact that was the case in my situation with my guy's marriage I heard it first hand from his family....

 

Who says they made the easy choice? yeah they chose the "comfortable" option if you measure it in terms of the whole spectrum of the sitatuation but what they feel and will carry inside is NOT easy at all.

Yes it's a big sacrifice to make but guilt eats away at these men so they cave and do "what's right" in the last minute...for whatever it's worth they want to revidnicate the harm they have done...

[Mino]

Thank you Tomcat, your words and insights helped me alot today. I guess I just don't understand everything. I too was in a relationship 20 years ago. I was very unhappy and finally I did leave with infant. I can look back today, and I know I did the right thing. For me to have stayed because of security, or to give my child this " family" because society says mother and father should be together, was not good enough for me, nor her. I KNOW i did the right thing, looking back i could not imagine staying with someone I did not respect, nor love the way a partner should be loved. I raised my child who is well rounded, happy and independent. I know she would not be this today had I stayed. Yes it took courage to leave and tackle this life on my own. But I didn't stay because of fear of the unknown, guilt, I loved my self too, enough to leave. So to me staying in a relationship for other reasons, is a weakness, not a strength....... I too had some love left for the man i left behind, but it was not the love , nor the respect that he deserved...

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Hi JNRR,

 

How are you feeling today? x

 

I'm not going to say I'm feeling better, but I'm definitely on the road to recovery SOG. I woke up and the sun was beating its way through my window and I just thought "Right, I'm going to have a shower and put some make up on and face the world" like Tomcat said...babysteps.

 

I then got a message from him which filled me with an unbelievable amount of sadness. He called me "My Jenny", a reference to the girl that Forrest Gump loves and who eventually finds her way back to Forrest. I wanted so much to reply, but I didnt. I know I cant anymore now. I know for my own sake, I have got to take care of myself.

 

I was so pleased he texted though in a weird way. Even though it made me feel sad, it also made me feel as though he had at least remembered I existed. Crumbs, I know. But crumbs when you're starved are better than anything. I feel more love than hate towards him today. Love with a wry smile, I should add. Love that I know will now never happen, but nevertheless, love which is far far better than the torment of hating him. I hope that is a part of moving on.

 

My friends have been warriors for me, each one just listening and letting me sound off and letting me be quiet and letting me just crawl my way through this cave I am in. They know, they were there. They understand.

 

And you, all of you, when I was lying in bed last night...you know those times that you're lying in bed and suddenly you feel desperately alone, so you switch the TV on just to hear some noise? I did that, but then I got to thinking about all of your words and that there was women, somewhere who were feeling the way I do, and in a weird way, it made me feel loved. Some anonymous hand had reached out to me. I know that sounds cheesy, but it was true last night and its true now.

 

Thanks SOG, just for asking. It really means a lot x

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Tomcat -thank you so much. You're so right about your "easy way" theory. They haven't chosen the easy way. They've chosen the way that caused the least pain, to them and their families.

 

But in 10 years time, when the kids have grown up and he is sitting wondering why he isnt connecting with his W, what if he had taken a chance, where my path of life took me, and his W is sitting wondering why she didn't really find out all of the truths, did she make the right decision by keeping him, will it be the easy way then? I dont think it will.

 

I was too much of a risk for him. We all are. He had a life, a wife, children, 15 years of memories, photo albums, insurance policies, pensions, a mortgage, holidays, some shared interests - all I offered him was a girl who loved him and wanted to make him happy. To be honest, if I was an outsider in this situation, I would think he was a fool to give all of that up on a whim. On a gamble. But, as I'm in this situation, I know that his gamble would have paid off, because I love him, because I would have done anything to make it work. Thats what makes it so hard. It doesnt make it right, it makes it hard, as though a wasted chance has just passed us by.

 

You're so right that these men are pressurised. Mine was. He was controlled by a W who threatened him with the children that he loved, that threatened his masculinity "the guy I'm going to date will be a new father to your kids", threatened his reputation, her own suicide. It just got too hard for him, and i'm beginning to understand that. i dont think it was as cut and dried as "Do I love her or her?". It was more "I love X now, I have always loved Y but not so much now, but do I change the life I have existed in for so many years or do I feel like a selfish SOB for the rest of my life and chase X?" Its honour. What they fail to see is that honour is not included in affairs. An honourable thing would to say to their W's "I'm just not happy anymore and I want to try something else". But that leap of faith is too big. They need the comfort that their W will always be there, that their kids will never hate them -that they never will be blamed for any problems. Its a sad truth, but luckily, we OW are not the ones that need to live with that truth.

 

By the way, I am obviously on the way to recovery. I had four glasses of wine tonight with my friends, I didnt even think about texting or calling him. I had waves of desolation and floating off into "MM world" memories, but I was okay. I did it.

 

Mino - I'm so so proud of you. Be the woman that you want to be, not the woman he wants you to be. It must have felt good that he wanted to see you. But remember, you need to keep being the actress until that feeling becomes a reality. And it will. You did the first baby step today just by getting out of bed. You've done amazingly well. I'm not saying that to sound cheesy either, but we are amazing. This is one long endurance test of our self respect and we are fighting it, we're trying our very best x

[Scott_W]

JNRR,

 

I hope you don't mind a guy watching this... but it helps me too.

I'm so sorry to see anyone going through this. I've been totally screwed up over a MW for seven years ... struggling with NC too.

 

I have to say though, from reading and appreciating so many of your posts, in other threads, that I have hopes for you. I think that you're level headed. FWIW - coming from another screwed up "other person"

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

JNRR,

 

I hope you don't mind a guy watching this... but it helps me too.

I'm so sorry to see anyone going through this. I've been totally screwed up over a MW for seven years ... struggling with NC too.

 

I have to say though, from reading and appreciating so many of your posts, in other threads, that I have hopes for you. I think that you're level headed. FWIW - coming from another screwed up "other person"

 

Scott, I dont mind a guy watching this at all. I dont think it matters what the gender OP are, we still have the capacity to feel unbelieveable pain with little or no outlet - well, especially the outlet that I want to share my pain (MM).

 

Thanks for having hope for me. I have a little bit for myself, I guess it just has to grow each day. You know, I never realised how emotional I was until this happened. The pain in my stomach, I never realised you got that with heartbreak. These have been the darkest moments of my life so far. It would be easy for me to sit and feel sorry for myself - "How could he leave me to pick up all of the pieces", "Why did he ask me to keep the baby", "Why didnt he just finish it when I gave him that option on a plate?". But I've figured out that I will never get answers from him, and its unlikely even if I did, I would ever believe them. I'm just praying that this gets better, this horrible horrible feeling.

 

I hate NC too. Its horrible. This is definitely what I think it must be like to go cold turkey on addicition. I just want to call him and shout at him and tell him I love him and ask him if he's okay and then probably a little more shouting. I've never been a screamer though. The thing that freaks me out more than anything is that by contacting him in any way, shape or form, I'm prolonging this heartache. In no way do I want to do that. I cant, for my own wellbeing.

 

Its brilliant to get a mans perspective on things too. Scott, do you think MM love their OW or is it a distraction, a filling in of emotional needs for them that their W's cant (or wont) meet? I never felt our relationship was overly sexual, just very loving. I need to figure out whether it was a question of me falling for his lines, or whether it was true but it just got too hard for him. I know as an an OM it will be difficult to answer from a MM perspective but I would value your take on the situation.

[greengoddess]

Thank you Tomcat, your words and insights helped me alot today. I guess I just don't understand everything. I too was in a relationship 20 years ago. I was very unhappy and finally I did leave with infant. I can look back today, and I know I did the right thing. For me to have stayed because of security, or to give my child this " family" because society says mother and father should be together, was not good enough for me, nor her. I KNOW i did the right thing, looking back i could not imagine staying with someone I did not respect, nor love the way a partner should be loved. I raised my child who is well rounded, happy and independent. I know she would not be this today had I stayed. Yes it took courage to leave and tackle this life on my own. But I didn't stay because of fear of the unknown, guilt, I loved my self too, enough to leave. So to me staying in a relationship for other reasons, is a weakness, not a strength....... I too had some love left for the man i left behind, but it was not the love , nor the respect that he deserved...

 

 

see though you are jumping to conclusions as to why he is staying from what HE TOLD YOU. You already know he is a liar. if he was really thay unhappy he would leave for you. He's a liar and full of crap.

[Cliche]

I keep trying to figure out what in the hell it is about affairs that make the emotional turmoil so much worse for the OPs (I know what about them makes it so much worse for the BS').

 

I think I realized that the entire relationship is a fairytale in our minds. You know, you have a "normal" relationship, and the entire thing is about compatability and growing love. But with these As, we tend to think that all of those things are there and the only thing keeping our lives together with these people from being perfect is the spouse. I think that is what causes this pain we all share. We think we are so close to the happy ending and then, when it is just out of our reach, we're crushed.

 

But geez, this sure as hell is not a fairytale. It's more like a nightmare. And the relationships we're all in/were in SUCK. Why do we want them? Seriously, why? I bet 90% of us, if we were dealing with this type of emotional turmoil from a man (or woman) who wasn't married, we'd end it in a heartbeat. The problem is not the status of the guy's marriage, the problem is the guy.

 

More rambling. Sorry.

 

Je ne, you are so bright and funny. I know there is a happy ending for you (and me and all of us) out there. But these relationships aren't happy in the beginning and middle, so what makes us think they'll be happy in the end. We'll find that love somewhere with the right one as long as we don't close ourselves to it. Take care.

[Prettyone]

I think that's really good that you are writing all these letters and not sending them. I find that extremely cathartic because you start them with the intention of sending them and once you get it all out, you tend to feel better. You read it over and it seems pointless to send it. But the job is done once the words are put on paper (or computer) and taken out of your mind...which can prove to be quite insane to let these thoughts linger in your hear. I still have tons of unsent emails in my "drafts" folder, I started deleting them a few weeks ago but got bored and aborted mission...that's how many of them there are

 

Write all you can it will aleviate the impulse thoughts.

 

 

You asked earlier how you get over it? Well time, and baby step by baby step at first. You will have setbacks and it will feel like you are at square one again but you are not. Every single day that goes by it does help your healing. Most importantly don't force yourself through the stages, you must ride out your feelings. Right now it's all too raw so don't expect so much from yourself and don't pressure yourself to feel better or forget, you can't right now it's all too fresh. But do take care, I would strongly recommend against the wine.. While it does numb you in the moment the next day it compounds everything. If you reach over for "quick" fixes that's all you will be doing, is putting a band aid on the whole thing.

 

Take good care and don't beat yourself up you did the best you could given what you were given to work with. Right now is NOT the time to look for your flaws, or to obsess on the mistakes, right now is a time to bring yourself back up to some sort of normalcy. You will benefit from the personal assessments when you are better of mind and spirit, if you dwell too much on the negative you will only sink yourself deeper.

 

 

I know right now this won't mean anything to you because it is the furthest from your mind, I understand that but it's worth considering anyway…remember that though it seems like the end of the world today like you will never feel love like that again, you DO have the hope and illusion to find it again. Life is filled with surprises and filled with opportunities. You ended up better off in the end better than your MM because he has no more hopes, if what he said about his marriage is true and he is there just for the kids, that is the life he is resigned to for the REST OF HIS DAYS. Not trying to be vengefull or anything but I see how hard it is for people who had affairs to go back to their marraiges. So I feel for him more than for you, because he knows what to expect from his days plus after having loved you, his marriage will never be the same. The bad parts will be magnified, on the other hand when you are good and ready and sound in mind and heart the world is in the palm of your hands. Your life starts again every day…his doesn't. So your pain is not just for you, he is in tremendous pain too and because of this some day you will find the strength to even forgive him. At that point you will truly move on!

 

 

TC you are a life saver.

 

J be so gentle with yourself. I am so sorry that you are going through this. My thoughts are with you.

[Scott_W]

.Scott, do you think MM love their OW or is it a distraction, a filling in of emotional needs for them that their W's cant (or wont) meet?..

 

I can only speak for me. I understand generalizations and exceptions to those rules. So maybe I'm an exception, maybe not. As for me, I went from being totally messed up over her, starting seven years ago, for about 5 years. Then finally about 2 years ago, with counseling, seminars and self help studies I gradually got to a point where I could actually "want" to be free.

 

At first, 7 years ago, it was so bad ... I look back and the memory of the pain, the sickness, lack of sleep, being cloudy-headed-zombie like ... just really screwed up ... and I know you know what I'm saying.

 

I'm not free of her yet though ... she still lives and swims in my veins ... but it's so very much better now and I want to go on. She is devastated too. She tells me she is now going through what I went through years ago. There are times when I want to cave in and decide this will jut be my lot in life and stay on, as a secret lover. But I'm determined that this finally be over.

 

"Why did he ask me to keep the baby"

Left with a baby ... my god! No man could ever understand.

 

But I suspect that, when he asked that you keep the baby, he intended to work it out because he DOES love you, and loved the unborn baby inside of you. I think he WANTED you and the baby.

 

I'll catch a flame or two for that, but isn't it rue that most of us in this situation let our love overpower our thinking. That includes you and me too.

 

But, also, there is probably some truth in this: Even though he meant well, he was your priority while you were an option to him. I'm not putting him down, just as I won't put her down. But it's sort of a fact.

 

I also made certain decisions, nothing as serious, but decisions I never would have made for just myself, and now I'm left hanging with those decisions. She meant well, when encouraging me to make them, because I believe she then pictured herself being with me, later, enjoying the benefit of those decisions.

 

Nevertheless, I believe she meant well and intended to make this right for us ... but can't ... and it took her about five years to stop promising and finally say to me that she can no longer promise, while begging me to "stay and give her more time with me".

 

The reason I'm saying this is that I don't buy into what others say ...

"The the person doesn't love you, or would have divorced" ... maybe I'm still in denial ... but that statement just is NOT always true.

 

I picked up a dozen (or so) practical suggestions on getting over the pain and getting to a point where I could even see a better life without her. Drug free too! If you don't count the wine ...and a couple of natural remedies for a few months.

 

The first one is, become an excercise freak! Daily workouts will help so much, and minimize the permanent, later, damage that your emotions will inflict on you're body. You're going through a slow motion car wreck right now and you need to protect your own body for later life.

 

Another is, figure out soon how much wine you really CAN handle. For most people suffering emotional trauma, a little wine will get you through a night's sleep. But too much wine (Ill guarantee you that four glasses crosses the line ) too much will get you right to sleep, but then around 2 or 3 am, you're awake! and DEPRESSED - even worse, wanting for sleep. Four glasses won't do that wake up thing on you at first, but will eventually, when your body builds up more tolerance. It backfires on you.

 

I want to repeat what I said before. I read your posts where you're giving advice to others and I mean what I say about appreciating your thinking.

 

I sincerely hope for the very best for you.

 

I gotta' go do my morning run ... If I don't, thoughts of her will get me down more later today.

 

This whole thing has had one good effect ... there's not an ounce of fat on me.

And I think there are some girls in the neighborhood who seem to look for me when I jog by

... hmmm you know, life without her might be OK soon enough ... I think I've become a stud muffin -

I'll thank her for that!

.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I keep trying to figure out what in the hell it is about affairs that make the emotional turmoil so much worse for the OPs (I know what about them makes it so much worse for the BS').

 

I think I realized that the entire relationship is a fairytale in our minds. You know, you have a "normal" relationship, and the entire thing is about compatability and growing love. But with these As, we tend to think that all of those things are there and the only thing keeping our lives together with these people from being perfect is the spouse. I think that is what causes this pain we all share. We think we are so close to the happy ending and then, when it is just out of our reach, we're crushed.

 

But geez, this sure as hell is not a fairytale. It's more like a nightmare. And the relationships we're all in/were in SUCK. Why do we want them? Seriously, why? I bet 90% of us, if we were dealing with this type of emotional turmoil from a man (or woman) who wasn't married, we'd end it in a heartbeat. The problem is not the status of the guy's marriage, the problem is the guy.

 

More rambling. Sorry.

 

Je ne, you are so bright and funny. I know there is a happy ending for you (and me and all of us) out there. But these relationships aren't happy in the beginning and middle, so what makes us think they'll be happy in the end. We'll find that love somewhere with the right one as long as we don't close ourselves to it. Take care.

 

Cliche, you are so right you know. We do think its a fairytale. Who doesnt when they're in the arms of someone they think truly loves them? I think he does still think its a fairytale. The reference he made on his last message about me being his Jenny out of Forrest Gump says that. Jenny is the love of his life who is a bit mad and finally ends up with Forrest. God, what is he on? Its not a film, its real lives he's played with. He needs to come to terms with that, but he needs to do that for himself because otherwise the film ending he so expects will never happen for him.

 

Its weird, my two long term relatonships (with single guys) the first 6 years, the second 4 years and both I ended because they were 99% who I wanted but not 100%. I wanted the 100%. We're still good friends. What's weird is that I wanted 100% from them but I was willing to accept about 50% from MM. Maybe I wanted a little fantasy to get me out of my day to day life too, just like my MM.

 

I'm definitely not going to close myself to love. I know this sounds tragic, but my friend dragged me (kicking and screaming) shopping today. I ended up blowing £100 on new lingerie. I dont know why, it was just something I wanted to do for myself. Re-affirm something to myself. I know I have no-one to show them too but I guess I'm just hopeful that one day I will. Someone nice. And single. Who doesnt live in Forrest Gump films.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I can only speak for me. I understand generalizations and exceptions to those rules. So maybe I'm an exception, maybe not. As for me, I went from being totally messed up over her, starting seven years ago, for about 5 years. Then finally about 2 years ago, with counseling, seminars and self help studies I gradually got to a point where I could actually "want" to be free.

 

At first, 7 years ago, it was so bad ... I look back and the memory of the pain, the sickness, lack of sleep, being cloudy-headed-zombie like ... just really screwed up ... and I know you know what I'm saying.

 

I'm not free of her yet though ... she still lives and swims in my veins ... but it's so very much better now and I want to go on. She is devastated too. She tells me she is now going through what I went through years ago. There are times when I want to cave in and decide this will jut be my lot in life and stay on, as a secret lover. But I'm determined that this finally be over.

 

 

Left with a baby ... my god! No man could ever understand.

 

But I suspect that, when he asked that you keep the baby, he intended to work it out because he DOES love you, and loved the unborn baby inside of you. I think he WANTED you and the baby.

 

I'll catch a flame or two for that, but isn't it rue that most of us in this situation let our love overpower our thinking. That includes you and me too.

 

But, also, there is probably some truth in this: Even though he meant well, he was your priority while you were an option to him. I'm not putting him down, just as I won't put her down. But it's sort of a fact.

 

I also made certain decisions, nothing as serious, but decisions I never would have made for just myself, and now I'm left hanging with those decisions. She meant well, when encouraging me to make them, because I believe she then pictured herself being with me, later, enjoying the benefit of those decisions.

 

Nevertheless, I believe she meant well and intended to make this right for us ... but can't ... and it took her about five years to stop promising and finally say to me that she can no longer promise, while begging me to "stay and give her more time with me".

 

The reason I'm saying this is that I don't buy into what others say ...

"The the person doesn't love you, or would have divorced" ... maybe I'm still in denial ... but that statement just is NOT always true.

 

I picked up a dozen (or so) practical suggestions on getting over the pain and getting to a point where I could even see a better life without her. Drug free too! If you don't count the wine ...and a couple of natural remedies for a few months.

 

The first one is, become an excercise freak! Daily workouts will help so much, and minimize the permanent, later, damage that your emotions will inflict on you're body. You're going through a slow motion car wreck right now and you need to protect your own body for later life.

 

Another is, figure out soon how much wine you really CAN handle. For most people suffering emotional trauma, a little wine will get you through a night's sleep. But too much wine (Ill guarantee you that four glasses crosses the line ) too much will get you right to sleep, but then around 2 or 3 am, you're awake! and DEPRESSED - even worse, wanting for sleep. Four glasses won't do that wake up thing on you at first, but will eventually, when your body builds up more tolerance. It backfires on you.

 

I want to repeat what I said before. I read your posts where you're giving advice to others and I mean what I say about appreciating your thinking.

 

I sincerely hope for the very best for you.

 

I gotta' go do my morning run ... If I don't, thoughts of her will get me down more later today.

 

This whole thing has had one good effect ... there's not an ounce of fat on me.

And I think there are some girls in the neighborhood who seem to look for me when I jog by

... hmmm you know, life without her might be OK soon enough ... I think I've become a stud muffin -

I'll thank her for that!

.

 

 

God, Scott, 7 years? That's the amount of bad luck you get for breaking a mirror in the UK (a superstition). So are you still with her? You mentioned NC before, how long has that being going on for? I'm not suprised she is devastated. 7 years is a long time to build a life, a whole emotional life with someone. She's not going to find it easy to let that go, at all.

 

I'm relieved I didnt have the baby now. There's a good chance I could have ended up a single parent and I know in my heart the decision was the right thing to do for everyone, especially his kids. I just kept thinking of his son not beign the youngest of his dads kids (I'm the youngest of 5 and I know how special it is). I think he wanted the baby because it would have forced him to act upon it. He's been controlled by his M for a long time and I refused to control him in anyway, refused to make him take a stand and I think in some ways he found this confusing, as though I was playing a game. I wasnt. But I think he often wondered why I didnt put pressure on him. But why bother? I didnt want to be with someone who had to be forced into a relationship with me. He had to make his own choices, and I dont think he knew how.

 

But you're SO right. I was an option to him. He was my number one priority. And I think even if we had worked out and got together, I would have always worked putting far too much pressure on myself to ensure he was happy that he had chosen the right option. I do that. I need to work on it with myself.

 

The exercise front - I love it. It calms me. I'm a keen horse rider, I love being out with the dog, go to the gym, play tennis. I havent done any of those this week apart from dog walking, just because I'm weak off eating. But I'm going to resume it next week. I dont want to get too thin. I want to look as happy and as healthy as I can. Release those endorphins so they cheer me up a little. As for the wine, it made me a little depressed today so maybe I drank too much last night. I'm going to lay off tonight I think.

 

I do want to be the female equivalent of a "stud muffin" lol. I'm human and my new fantasy is bumping into him looking great and him looking a bit rubbish. Not that any of it counts a bit, unless you're 14 years old lol. But, I think sometimes its the little wins in life that get you towards the big wins.

 

Thanks for your sound advice Scott, I appreciate it.

[MeMyself]

I am going pretty much through the same thing right now. My story is a little different in that they were separated for 2 years and we had a normal relationship, but when push came to shove, he couldn't and didn't go through with the Divorce.

We worked together and became really close friends. Then one day he told me he had fallen in love with me. I too realised I had feelings for him. I was living with a bf, the father of my son, but I had distanced myself from him a long time ago as he had "cheated" on me many times. The M was married, desperately unhappy and as the cliche goes, "we clicked". As soon as he professed his love for me and I realised I had the same feelings, I told my bf that it wasn't working and that I had feelings for someone else. We were having a EA. One day his W intercepted a friendly sms from me and hit the roof. She threw him out after he admitted how he felt about me. He felt really guilty and also very confused. So we decided to go NC for 3 months. It lasted only 10 days and in those 10 days they slept together and she fell pregnant. This would be their first child. He told me he needed to make it work with her as he had always wanted to be a dad and didn't want to one day wonder if he had tried hard enough. During all this, my bf had moved out. I was lonely and hurting, but I also knew that MM was not the reason I had ended things. It would have happened inevitably, he was just the catalyst. Anyway me and MM remained friends, but things were rocky at home. She was emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. He was often kicked out of the house when there was a fight and had to find a place to sleep.

One day while he was at work she opened his mobile phone account and saw pages and pages of calls and texts to me. She phoned everyone in the family and said she wanted a divorce. She also phoned and texted me constantly, often in the middle of the night. A week later they had family meeting with their parents, initiated by their parents, who were tired of all the drama over the years and felt they needed to make or break this. They decided to separate. And so our relationship began.

The W moved about 300 miles away while pg to be with her family. But the fighting never stopped. They were constantly fighting. She was forever manipulating him telling him that she would find someone who would be a real dad to their baby. She would tell him that she was going to move overseas etc etc. Everyday for 2 years this continued. She would tell him she was going to be tested for cancer and was so scared when in fact she was having breast enlargement surgery. He was there for the birth of his child and many a night would cry in my arms because he desperately wanted to be a good dad. Religously he would drive the distance every second weekend to see her. He missed her first Christmas, because when he arrived (300 miles), he was informed that she had sent his daughter with her parents to visit family close to where he lives. So he drove all the way back, but was not allowed to see his daughter until the day after Christmas, once again back in her hometown...

We were happy, we were great friends. We were together almost every day for 2 years. Somewhere along the lines, he just couldn't take it all anymore. He wanted his daughter to know who her dad was and not see him as someone who visits every second weekend. After 2 years, he just one day made the decision to go back. And I am left to pick up the pieces. I am not allowed to phone him, text him or mail him. He said his heart was breaking and he was giving up the woman he loved and his happiness for his daughter's happiness. He was also distraught because he had formed such a strong bond with my son and was like a father to him. I will never ever have the answers I need about whether it was all about his daughter or if he had always still loved her.... Often my son wants to talk to him, he is only 5 and will never really understand why we cannot phone him or see him... It breaks my heart. Its been 2 months since I found out he was going back and almost 2 weeks of no contact... it gets easier, but all the nagging questions just won't go away. I know it probably wasn't the easy way out. I know he will be continuosly questioned about me, although he said he will never be able to tell her the full extent of what we had.

If you got this far, I am sorry it is so long..Reading this thread as helped me tremendously. It has validated how I am feeling and our train of thought is the same. I realise I am the lucky one in this mess, because I have the chance to start afresh and be happy. I also feel sincerely sorry for his wife because she will always have questions too that he will never answer and I pity him, because I think life will not be made easy for him.

[Mino]

Hello meMYSELF, Wow, what a story. Your story should be my wake up call!!! My MM did not have a child when we first got together. I went out of the country for 6 weeks, and when I came back he told me his wife was pregnant. He told me first, that he could not leave her while shes pregnant, then he told me he wants to be sure she is on her feet. Then he told me he is now attached to child, and he feels guilt. When I read your story it shows me what could have happened. 2 years and he goes back??? How does that work? Why would she (w) take his A$$ back? Scary!!!! Unbelieveable, I am speechless.....................

[Mino]

Hello JNRR, I hope your day went better. Is it day 3 of NC? I think so. I went to work, walked around like nothing is bothering me, ignoring MM as much as possible, Just said hi, when passing. Half way through the day, he come into my office again, like yesterday. Sits down and just chit chats about work and stupid things. Sat there a good 10 min. I didnt respond a whole lot, looking in different directions. WHY IS HE DOING THIS? I am trying to ignore him, not calling, not e-mailing, not texting. Walking by him, why is he torturing me???? Is he checking my temp cause he is afraid I might do something stupid ( like tell his wife)???? JNRR, I think I would rather be in your shoes on this one. Having to see him everyday is much worse. He is just as cheerful sitting there, like we never were........ It breaks mY heart

[Mino]

Hi Scott, What is your MW reason for not leaving her marriage?

[Mino]

I know this sounds stupid but what do you think the wife thinks is going on since he is home really EARLY everday????? any thoughts????

[Mino]

I keep trying to figure out what in the hell it is about affairs that make the emotional turmoil so much worse for the OPs (I know what about them makes it so much worse for the BS').

 

I think I realized that the entire relationship is a fairytale in our minds. You know, you have a "normal" relationship, and the entire thing is about compatability and growing love. But with these As, we tend to think that all of those things are there and the only thing keeping our lives together with these people from being perfect is the spouse. I think that is what causes this pain we all share. We think we are so close to the happy ending and then, when it is just out of our reach, we're crushed.

 

But geez, this sure as hell is not a fairytale. It's more like a nightmare. And the relationships we're all in/were in SUCK. Why do we want them? Seriously, why? I bet 90% of us, if we were dealing with this type of emotional turmoil from a man (or woman) who wasn't married, we'd end it in a heartbeat. The problem is not the status of the guy's marriage, the problem is the guy.

 

More rambling. Sorry.

 

Je ne, you are so bright and funny. I know there is a happy ending for you (and me and all of us) out there. But these relationships aren't happy in the beginning and middle, so what makes us think they'll be happy in the end. We'll find that love somewhere with the right one as long as we don't close ourselves to it. Take care.

Hi cliche, I just wanted to know what happened in your R, I know you had a deadline too, end of June. Did he leave or ask for more time? Are you in nc too? I just remember you cause I had a deadline too, ours were both in June

[Scott_W]

Hi Scott, What is your MW reason for not leaving her marriage?

He's in very bad shape physically and emotionally. She can't "pick the day" or even a deadline to tell him it's over. She thinks it would devastate him and finally, I agree.

[Mino]

But you're SO right. I was an option to him. He was my number one priority. And I think even if we had worked out and got together, I would have always worked putting far too much pressure on myself to ensure he was happy that he had chosen the right option. I do that. I need to work on it with myself. Great statement, I think this is all our truth, sadly. Why do we settle? I am feeling down for the last hour, none of you are online. Feel like I am losing my breath at times, must be the angst coming on, I hate this feeling:sick:

[MeMyself]

Mino,

 

You are so right. A life with them wouldn't have been easy. For me it wasn't. I started becoming very insecure. Whenever he would be quiet and deep in thought, I would wonder if he was having doubts. Every day, I had to put up with phone calls to him from her. Sometimes they would go on for 40 minutes. And I swear, I was with him, for the those 40 minutes he didn't say a word. Every second weekend that he went to see his daughter, i would worry that this would be the weekend that his w would make him crack. She used to bring out all the photo albums, letters, cards for him to see how he was making a mistake.As much as I love that man, and I do, it was no life. Yes we were happy, but there was always drama.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Memyself, I cried when I read your story. For you and for MM and for his W but especially for your little boy. What a terrible situation to be in. I dont know how you have coped. I dont know how you've made it to the other side, but I'm so glad you're getting there.

 

I know your man is a MM. I know he cheated on his W. But he is human and men are territorial. The thought of someone else bringing his child up must have destroyed him. I dont think its a question of loving his wife. I think in a messed up MM way, its trying to do the honourable thing by his child.

 

I agree we will never get the answers we need for closure. Without getting someone to give MM a frontal labotomy and print out all of his thoughts from his brain, I would never know the truth. But I know my truth. I am trying to judge only on actions that I know are true, and I know her actions of manipulation are true, I've witnessed them.

 

What is glaring at me, and I sort of dont want to ask as the possibility is high that I'll get flamed, but I do think its a valid question.

 

My MM's W has, for what I can see, manipulated him into staying in an unhappy marriage through the threat of his children, the threat of his financial security, the threat of another man becoming a father and enjoying the fortune he built, and finally through the threat of his W's life. The question I suppose goes to BW's.

 

I know his W must have reached the final level of desperation to keep him. And now she has him. But what happens now? She must in some way recognise that she has manipulated him into a life that he hasn't 100% chosen? How does she move on, believe that he loves her, not question when he goes off into a daydream, not wonder whether if she had not threatened him with the kids, other men, her life, he would have definitely stayed? How does she live with the possibility that maybe, had she been single and without children, he would have left. That it's not wholly her that he's staying for, but the fear he may drive her to suicide, the fear he couldnt live with the guilt, that his childrens lives would be affected forever?

[child_of_isis]

Suicide? That's not sounding right to me. She is a mother.

 

If the A has hurt her deeply, then she is a woman of character, integrity, honesty and high morals. Which are important to a mother. They want to instill these same qualtiies into their children.

 

I honestly don't think that she would leave this job to her H and his OW. As most likely she considers them both to be lacking in the moral department.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I work with my MM everyday, but I have been working from home so I dont have to bump into him. I know he hasn't been in the office either and I'm unsure whether he has left without telling anyone. He has the financial security to do that, so it may be the case. I was worrying yesterday about little notes that were in his desk from me and whether someone else may clear his drawers out if he has left.

 

So I went to the office yesterday, since its the weekend, no-one was there. I cleared his desk of his diaries and all personal stuff that implicated me in his life. I never realised but his work diary has turned into a bit of a personal diary for him. I've read it. I'm not ashamed to say that. I was physically sick when I realised he was writing personal thoughts in there (just out of nerves of what I might find) but I knew I had to read them because I knew that they may give me closure. It was like having access to my MM's brain - something that I think many OW would have sold their houses to know at one point in their lives.

 

Well, it made me cry, no surprise there really since crying appears to be my favourite hobby at the moment. But its confusing too. It really shows a compartmentalized mind, although comparisons between me and his W have been made. He states a lot about how much he loves me though and how I have made his life so great, which in a weird way made me feel a little better. It shows he thought of me as a gamble to his kids lives. It also shows the manipulations of his W, one day being nice to him, one day being awful, very big arguments, how he felt leaving his kids. There's only about ten entries, but each one is a massive insight into his life and the constant push-pull of his children.

 

I dont know how I feel about reading it. I guess, I feel sorry for him. I'm soft, I know. Its probably a bit of shock too. But my mum and dad lived a life of complete heartache with each other because of their children, the house, all of those things. My mum had mental health problems too and my dad had to love with that. He had affairs as far as I'm aware although I dont think my mum ever found out. They never even slept in the same bed again since I was born. God - does that mean MM was my dad??? Scary, lol. I'm sure Freud would have something to say about that. But regardless, I think I feel a bit better knowing that MM didn't just have his cake and eat it, and he's left with a burning candle now. Does that make sense? Sorry I'm rambling again...