I need serious ...sorry this is long

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Got to "My Profile" and selct "Edit Options." IN the Private Messaging section you will see a box that say "Enable Private Messaging." JUst chekc the box and your PM function will start working.

 

Done it Annabelle, thought I had before but I didnt have you on a buddy list, I've never used PM's before

 

Thanks

[Shades of Grey]

I know it's just because I want him to be suffering as much as I am, you know?

 

Yes absolutely. One of the worst things is thinking that he can just walk away and dismiss you and rebuild his life immediately and seek comfort in his family. You feel that he should be feeling the way you do. It sounds awful but at least if you know he is suffering too it makes what you had seem more real.

[Tomcat33]

I've wrote many many letters to him, to her, to myself already and its only been two days. I'd never send them obviously. I think what makes me think like that is that if he's portrayed his W to be a manipulative violent woman, he's probably portraying me to be some sort of Glenn Close character who's going to run her kids to the nearest fairground ride. Which hurts, because I'm nothing like that at all.

 

I think that's really good that you are writing all these letters and not sending them. I find that extremely cathartic because you start them with the intention of sending them and once you get it all out, you tend to feel better. You read it over and it seems pointless to send it. But the job is done once the words are put on paper (or computer) and taken out of your mind...which can prove to be quite insane to let these thoughts linger in your hear. I still have tons of unsent emails in my "drafts" folder, I started deleting them a few weeks ago but got bored and aborted mission...that's how many of them there are

 

Write all you can it will aleviate the impulse thoughts.

 

 

You asked earlier how you get over it? Well time, and baby step by baby step at first. You will have setbacks and it will feel like you are at square one again but you are not. Every single day that goes by it does help your healing. Most importantly don't force yourself through the stages, you must ride out your feelings. Right now it's all too raw so don't expect so much from yourself and don't pressure yourself to feel better or forget, you can't right now it's all too fresh. But do take care, I would strongly recommend against the wine.. While it does numb you in the moment the next day it compounds everything. If you reach over for "quick" fixes that's all you will be doing, is putting a band aid on the whole thing.

 

Take good care and don't beat yourself up you did the best you could given what you were given to work with. Right now is NOT the time to look for your flaws, or to obsess on the mistakes, right now is a time to bring yourself back up to some sort of normalcy. You will benefit from the personal assessments when you are better of mind and spirit, if you dwell too much on the negative you will only sink yourself deeper.

 

 

I know right now this won't mean anything to you because it is the furthest from your mind, I understand that but it's worth considering anyway…remember that though it seems like the end of the world today like you will never feel love like that again, you DO have the hope and illusion to find it again. Life is filled with surprises and filled with opportunities. You ended up better off in the end better than your MM because he has no more hopes, if what he said about his marriage is true and he is there just for the kids, that is the life he is resigned to for the REST OF HIS DAYS. Not trying to be vengefull or anything but I see how hard it is for people who had affairs to go back to their marraiges. So I feel for him more than for you, because he knows what to expect from his days plus after having loved you, his marriage will never be the same. The bad parts will be magnified, on the other hand when you are good and ready and sound in mind and heart the world is in the palm of your hands. Your life starts again every day…his doesn't. So your pain is not just for you, he is in tremendous pain too and because of this some day you will find the strength to even forgive him. At that point you will truly move on!

[annabelle75]

Sure...once I can figure out how to do it. At least it will distract me lol

 

Ok, I got your message but it is not allowing me to reply. It says you are still not enabled to recieve. Try to reseeting it again and the PM me.

[Tomcat33]

One last thing on the point of his suffering VS yours. The EXACT same thing he was doing while with you (the feeling of guilt and whatever was making miserable while he was with you) is going to be happening to him now while he is back with his family. So I can assure you his life is no walk in the park. Take full comfort in that. His life is worse, he has to supress his emotions and face his family, you on the otherhand can do what you feel like when you feel like with no one to report to. Trust me you will come out so much stronger from this!

[Cliche]

Je ne, you wrote this to me last week:

 

That's when I decided I needed a conclusion and that the only person who could give me that was me, and slowly I realised that taking control of my own destiny dissolved my constant doubt of my self-belief.

And it made a HUGE amount of difference in the amount of pain I was feeling. This is NOT about you!! You are not weak, and it is okay for you to cry and it is okay for you to feel pain. But do not ever forget that this is NOT ABOUT YOU! He is damaged. He is not a horrible person. He most likely did not mean to cause you this pain. But he is damaged. And you're not. And damaged people aren't really cognizant of the pain they leave behind in their wake, not because they are bad but because they have some serious issues that they don't see and so can't correct.

 

I wish there was some pill or potion we could take to make ourselves feel better. But I guess we all just have to go through this and make it out the other side. Just remember not to do it alone. Try to see your friends a little. Maybe try to look at the world with fresh eyes...like this isn't a loss, but is a chance to open your future up to completely new and wonderful opportunities.

 

I'm sorry. I know how you feel. Sadly, so many of us here....hell, so many women know how you feel. It is a rare woman who does not experience the pain of loss of what we think, at the time, is true love. (((hugs)))

[Cliche]

I'll tell you what else is helping me through the end of this relationship (mine is not completely over yet, but it is close and I'm feeling better about it than I have in months), I recognize that things could be worse than what they are right now. A lot worse.

 

Listen, what if we did end up with these guys? What if we ended up marrying them. And they are still damaged, I mean, of course they are damaged. Men who aren't damaged don't do what these men are doing. So we end up marrying damaged men, and then, when the damaged parts of them get too much for us to handle, we realize we are stuck in a really awful, painful marriage. We realize we can love them, but we can't fix them without giving up parts of ourselves. And then we realize that they won't change because they don't see themselves accurately. And we realize we can't change them. And years and years of resentment builds up, we feel bad staying and we feel bad leaving, and we go through that godawful experience of feeling "trapped" in a marriage and we waste years of our lives going through the hell that is ending a marriage.

 

We are great women, je ne, and we need healthy men. And these relationships here we're all in on this board, this is not how we find healthy men.

[Tomcat33]

I'll tell you what else is helping me through the end of this relationship (mine is not completely over yet, but it is close and I'm feeling better about it than I have in months), I recognize that things could be worse than what they are right now. A lot worse.

 

Listen, what if we did end up with these guys? What if we ended up marrying them. And they are still damaged, I mean, of course they are damaged. Men who aren't damaged don't do what these men are doing. So we end up marrying damaged men, and then, when the damaged parts of them get too much for us to handle, we realize we are stuck in a really awful, painful marriage. We realize we can love them, but we can't fix them without giving up parts of ourselves. And then we realize that they won't change because they don't see themselves accurately. And we realize we can't change them. And years and years of resentment builds up, we feel bad staying and we feel bad leaving, and we go through that godawful experience of feeling "trapped" in a marriage and we waste years of our lives going through the hell that is ending a marriage.

 

We are great women, je ne, and we need healthy men. And these relationships here we're all in on this board, this is not how we find healthy men.

 

 

WOW Cliche what an excellent post, all your words resonated with me immensely! The amount of times I have had those exact thoughts to myself. This is how we come to our senses how when all is said and done we can assure ourselves just how unhappy we could have been with them. While things are going well there is always the hope for something good something improved, but once all the cards are on the table, what you basically described there is what we were dealing with, broken people. I remember actually saying that to my ex, "you are broken and whatver sick relationship you have with your W can only be had with another human being who is just as broken as you are, I really want no part of that"

 

Je Ne : Take comfort in knowing that when you come to realize this is when you will also be able to be the one saying, thanks but no thanks. Your guy will come sniffing around again in a few months if not sooner, mark my words, and it will give you great power to finally see through the pretty words and say "no way, not anymore", even if you are still in love with him, that part doesn't die but reason sure does kick in!

[Cliche]

"you are broken and whatver sick relationship you have with your W can only be had with another human being who is just as broken as you are, I really want no part of that"

 

You know, when I finally figure out how to completely get out of this mess I've gotten myself into with my dignity intact, I think those might be the last words I say to him. What a really cool realization.

 

My therapist helped me with this one. It took a few weeks to start to sink in what she was getting at, but I'm starting to get it. This "thing" about hanging on, do I really want to hang onto it? Is this a prize? We need to stop thinking that when he finally leaves, all these things that make us feel so awful will automatically go away. THEY WON'T! For goodness sake, ask the wife..she got him and her pain didn't go away.

 

While maybe I thought all those times he was late and made me feel awful because I waited for him and waited and felt so little for waiting will go away when he's divorced...no, they won't, he'll still make me wait. The stuff he sometimes does that makes me feel like I'm not number 1 and I'm number 2, that won't go away when he divorces. I'll still be number 2 because he is his own number 1 and always will be behind him. The secrecy...nope, that won't go away either. His wife doesn't know about me. What is to make me believe that he won't continue keeping secrets from me? Obviously, a partnership doesn't mean the same thing to him that it means to me. That, my dearest friends, is a problem. And if you see this in your own men, I hope maybe these words will work for all of us to understand what we want is not what we have. And maybe, just maybe, it'll help all of us deal a little more effectively with this godawful pain.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

J you posted this to cliche on another thread and it was sound advice, thought it might help you to hear you own words of encouragement.

 

Cliche,

 

First things first (((hugs)))

 

It's very difficult when a deadline that you are so looking forward toward has been postponed. Its like having Christmas cancelled. When the MM leaves, its a day which helps OW believe in themselves, in their relationship and in their MM. It validates all of your time together and proves that your blind faith in trusting him (which is blind faith as no-one know what goes on behind the four walls of a marital home) is warranted.

 

My advice to you would be to take your control back which may also in turn help your anxiety.

 

I would perhaps tell MM that instead of giving him a deadline, you are going to give yourself one. If he wants to join you in your journey in life and also set his W free from his tie to him, he is welcome to do it - but it has to be within the time you have set yourself to wait for him. If he asks when the deadline is, tell him you aren't going to put pressure on him by giving him a date to work towards, that your deadline is your deadline.

 

Lastly, I should explain that the deadline isn't a trick to get him to leave. It's a real time limit you are setting yourself that you will 100% stick to. If he doesnt leave within the deadline - leave him to get on with his life.

 

His behaviour is already affecting you. You've called yourself pathetic in this forum alone (I dont think you are by the way, but its how you see yourself that counts). You're depressed, suffering from anxiety and going through the pain of losing belief in yourself for trusting someone who's actions are not mirroring his words. Give yourself a time limit that you will suffer this, and if he leaves, he leaves. If he doesn't, you do

[Mino]

Hello, I know what pain you are feeling. I have been in bed for 2 days just in tears, staring at the wall....... I have had so many ups and downs, I feel I dont know if I am coming or going. I was with MM for almost 3 years. We work together as well. I have broken things off so many times. He went on vacation with me left his wife, just like your story, no different. The wife never ever said a word, till he moved out. That lasted less then 2 weeks. He told me he had to go home, calm her down, show that he was trying, she used the child against him. He said he wanted to part with her as friends, so he would have no problems with visitations. I said ok, 3 months. Well time came again, and he tells me he cant go, not strong enough, feels guilt...... you know the story. I try to break away. he still reels me in, But now I see him acting different. He has little time, calls less, and no more emails. I question, I plea, I go insane, I say just let me go, tell me the truth. He never did, till the last day, he has not to this day. He still says he loves me,wants to be with me... I go nearly crazy. Serveral weeks ago, I almost went off the deep end, I wanted to show up at his wifes house, tell her, show her hundreds of e-mail..... I didnt. But I still want to. I thought to let time go by, see if I really feel the same way in a while. I am in pain..... I have layed bed for 2 days. not showered, not eaten, just want to die. I have believed his lies all this years, He said to trust him.... Tomorrow, I have to go to work. i dread it. I will see him there. He will act as if nothing is bothering him. Like I did not excist. That is what hurts the most. I still dont get it. How can someone say you are is soulmate, shower you with love, and then dissapear???Go back to a marriage, look his w in the eyes, after lying , cheating on her for years? How????? How can he look at me, see how he has broken me and funtion as a happy person with no cares in this world?? How can she continue playing this wife role knowing he has lied, and cheated on he? I feel lost, and I understand your pain completely

[Mino]

and the worst part of it is , I cant snap myself out of this, I cannot get up, I have no energy, My house looks like a mess, I just sit and cry, sleep, and stare at the walls. I know he is not doing any of these things. He is at home enjoying himself with his family. Not skipping a beat. He broke my heart, tore my soul, and walks away, like nothing ever was, almost 3 years, I dont get it...............

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Sorry I didnt reply straight away...no I didnt open that bottle of wine...I went for a really really long walk with my lovely dog

 

I'm so pleased I posted. You know, before I did, I felt a bit of shame - like I was going to get "What did you expect would happen?" conclusions. I thought about all of my previous posts where I thought I spoke from experience. But I never knew this was going to come and bite me. I thought I would be like that poster who always says "Married 25 years to MM (or is it OW) and still happy!" I suppose we all think we're going to be in that happy ending.

 

You've all been brilliant, and I feel a little better, more in control at least. I honestly felt like I was losing my mind before.

 

Tomcat - his suffering vs mine is a very valid point. I know it is important that ex-OW become "indifferent" about the MM and his pain and his future, but its too raw for me to do that at the moment. I'm still vying for him in my head - I love someone that I hate - how weird is that? But I do believe his short-term suffering is much less than mine - it is the long-term suffering that he will have to bear. The constant "what ifs?", the guilt, the lies he has told, everything adds up to a lot more suffering than this transient pain that I am in. I'm not foolish enough to think that he can completely just switch off and forget me. We shared a lot of things, music, constant reminders. I know it feels to me at the moment like I never existed. But I do, and I will in his mind. He just doesn't know it yet. And I do know it will get better. I do know that.

 

I'm 30 years old, I have a great job, a lovely bunch of friends and family, I'm attractive and funny and love having fun and being happy. I'm a sunshiney person, I try not to let anything get me down and I hate scaring people with my misery-face when it does - they're just not used to seeing it. I brought him my sunshine and gave it to him and he basked in it for a while. But then he walked back under his cloud, but it wont be long before he starts thinking about how good sunshine feels.

 

I am fantasising a lot about him calling me and begging me to go back with him. I'm not saying his W is the cloud. Not by a long shot. Its his damage that is the cloud. By going back into his M without telling the full truth and just hoping that everything will blow over, he is doing himself and his W a disservice. Resentment will build up over time when she constantly asks and doubts him because she knows that he has lied in her heart. And she will think "If he lied about this, did he also lie about that?" just like I'm doing. His resentment, when he is no longer allowed his phone, when he is bored at work and he has no-one to talk to, will build. He will start to feel angry that his lies aren't believed now when they always were before.

 

BUT...

 

Leading on from that, Cliche's brilliant post : Why would we want these men in our lives? Is it really a prize? I've thought long and hard about that and tried to be as honest with myself as possible. He's a genuinely goodlooking 33 year old with a brilliant physique, a brilliant sense of humour and fun (which I think I may have brought out in him a bit) a bit of a local hero due to his football career, he was a great dad (discounting the fact he was having an A which I know cannot be discounted but at the time...) and maybe it was a real confidence boost to know that this man loved me. That this man picked me from all the lovelies that he has had the choice in and that he recognised special things about me that noone had ever noticed before. Maybe I thought I had become a prize because he made me feel that way. But maybe, being realistic, I should have already felt like I was a prize anyway. We are all prizes, if we could only just realise it. In ten years time, when I had moulded my entire life to suit him because of the guilt and the worry that I felt in case he regretted his decision to be with me, I dont think i would be feeling like much of a prize then.

 

IWWH - thanks for the reminder. I wish it was easy to look at my own problems as it is to look at others and advise.

 

And last but certainly not least, Mino, I so feel your pain. We are both women sitting at a computer somewhere in the world searching frantically for answers, justification, ending the pain. Why would he do this? Why did we trust him? Why could he just not tell the truth? He had already stretched my understanding to its limits - why not tell the truth knowing I would be understanding about that too? Because he was a coward. His favourite film is "Gladiator". But he hasn't a chance in hell of ever being one.

 

I'm so angry at myself that I justified all of his actions for so long because I put myself in his shoes. Thing is, he never put himself in mine or his W's or his childrens. He didnt do that because of pure unadulterated selfishness. But I'm going to keep trying to put myself into his shoes, the heavily-burdened ones he has now. He has lead his W to threatening suicide by lying to both of us. He has lost not one, but two women who love(d) him because even though he is still with his W, that original person who he had not cheated on will be gone, replaced by a W that has been tremendously hurt. I would hate to be him. I would hate to lie in bed every night wondering if I was going to have a bad dream and shout out a name. I would hate to face all of the family and know they were all thinking what an awful person I was. I would hate having all of my control taken off me so that my W can build some sort of trust up with me again. I would hate it and I am definitely the luckiest one in this terrible triangular mess.

 

It would be so easy for you to walk into work and try to get him to understand his pain. To walk to his W's door and say "look at how he felt about me - look at what he did to me". But no-one can ever really know another persons pain. They can empathise, but your MM or his W will never know the pain you are in and his W certainly does not deserve more pain that having a gutless husband that she is tied to for the rest of her life. Walk into work and bruise his ego by being as indifferent as you can to him. Dont let him have the last laugh. Dont let him go home from work that night thinking, "She still loves me. At least if things dont work out with the W, at least I can give Mino another try" or even worse "Thank god I didnt go the distance with Mino, turned out she was unhinged! Phew!" He'll think things like that if he gets any type of reaction from you.

 

Dont let him do that to you, dont let him have the power. Take it back. Be the best actress you can until that feeling of indifference finally becomes a reality. Hold your dignity and self esteem as highly as you can - we both really need it now, I know it's the only bloody thing I'm hanging on to. Dont think about instant gratifications (I know, I have so fantasised about the great feeling of just screaming it him) but think of the future months when it is YOU who has to look back and think "God, why did I lose so much control? Why did I let him see how much this affected me?" It is those future months when you will get your gratification, knowing you held your head up high, did everything with dignity and he cant not once ever say that you didnt.

 

I know this email sounds really positive, and I do feel a bit better tonight. A bit. But bear with me, I'm at the top of a scary rollercoaster and I need you all to keep me strong when the rollercoaster starts on its descent to that horrible dark place where I just cry and miss him and want to SOB back. Argh.

 

PS: Sorry it turned out to be so long too...

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

and the worst part of it is , I cant snap myself out of this, I cannot get up, I have no energy, My house looks like a mess, I just sit and cry, sleep, and stare at the walls. I know he is not doing any of these things. He is at home enjoying himself with his family. Not skipping a beat. He broke my heart, tore my soul, and walks away, like nothing ever was, almost 3 years, I dont get it...............

 

You see, I think BW's maybe will agree, he wont be at home just enjoying himself. Dont destroy yourself with those thoughts. I know its hard not to, believe me I know. I honestly had a thought about them baking today and smiling and laughing while I was slowly dying a few miles away. But that wont be happening. He has hurt his W and she will need to build up trust if she can. And he will have to deal with the thought of his "What ifs" eventually. He really will. It doesn't just go back to the way it was - it wasn't like that before, otherwise why would he have an affair for 3 years?

[Mino]

Thank you for your kind words, I am trying to see this , but its hard. His w, is like Mrs, Clever. preppy, dull and conforming. She is always nice to him. Take all his sh$t, they play this perfect family to the outside world. After D day, she never once questioned why the A. never discussed it again. Never checked on him, even though she knew where he was, and where I live. He always said trust me... He had a plan. He started to withdraw, the more i questioned. All I ever wanted was truth. He was too coward to admit, he kept playing his part. Even went to the attorney. He says he is confussed, because of guilt. ( has a small child) feels he would be abandoning the child. He said he wanted more time. Then he started with excuses of why he wouldn't come. It drove me crazy, I would ask him everyday if he wanted to break up, if he wanted me out of his life. NEVER, NEVER did he tell me the truth. I started getting anziety attacks, had to go on meds. Then He says, we need to take a break..... He needs to figure out what he wants. Wants to know if he misses me. WTF I am dying. He is to coward to tell the truth. Your right, i will go to work, and not even lay eyes on him. Flirt my a$$ off, act like I dont care. Let him go to his shallow, show all problems under the carpet, life. I need to get strong, tomorrow is a new day, just have to figure out how I am going to get out of this bed first....

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

His W may be in denial: Get him back in the house and then deal with the pain of his A. She knows him well and knows by not showing a reaction she can get him to realise he can go back to her - the door is still open and hasn't been closed by her screaming at him - no W wants to push their H into the OW's arms, obviously.

 

Strangely enough she was in the same position as you are now - heartbroken by him. It may be important for her to show to the outside world that everything is fine. But I doubt that it is. We are all human and he has scarred their marriage. You cant just put a bandaid (plaster if you're in the UK) over it and forget it never happened.

 

I wouldnt go to work and flirt outrageously. Be classy. Show him what you are made of by walking into work, getting on with work and then walking out of the door. Flirting is a reaction to him and I'm sure he will guess you're trying to cause him to have a reaction.

 

I think you should do as Tomcat advised me. Take baby steps. I took a walk tonight, worrying about being out of the house, looking at every car that drove past to see if it was his. But at least I took the walk. Get out of bed tomorrow and do something small that will give you a better sense of achievement. Dont let him do this to you.

[Mino]

your advice sounds good. Do you work with you mm? This is going to be so difficult. H will run into him at least 20 times a day. Its been 4 months for d day. But i know she knew where he was after work, he was always 3-4 hours late. What i dont understand is that she never checked on him, any thoughts?

[Mino]

just checked out BS threads, boy they are pretty angry at ow. The thing that amazes me is that they dont blame H. Its like he is so inocent in the A and ow made him cheat. My mm, pursued me, he made the promises of marriage ,ect. Why are they still in denial, after they found out of the A?

[pureinheart]

Hey Je Ne....

 

My heart really goes out to you....and yes everything will be okay in time, in fact it will be better than you could imagine. It sounds like a lot of insanity concerning the man and his W, that will mostlikely not go away, it is what it is.

 

This guy had a major hold on you due to your current condition....go through the pain and cut off that hold he has....

 

Do things get better? They did with me, but I had to go through hell and back to get "here".

 

My best advice would be to completely stay away from this man before he kills you emotionally and physically. Our bodies and mind are an intricate and delicate network that can be damaged with large amounts of stress. He is not worth the risk.....

 

There IS a man out there just for you, a man who was made for YOU....a man that only has eyes for you....hold out for the best and please do not sell yourself short.

 

A man that I fell head over heals for about 10 years recently came back in a big way in my life....girlfriend he was/is HOT in every way....talk about intelligent....oh my God. We split up back then, but he remained there for me no matter what....he is right up there with the Brad Pitts of this world and I could never understand why he didn't move on and why he stayed in contact with me.

 

We tried to get it together over the years with no avail.....then about 2 months ago he called and began talking about us getting together for real again....I did not take him seriously, although as the days have passed he has become totally intense and we are planning a future....he is all about me....all about commitment with me....we....us and so on....

 

Girl, hold out for the one that only has eyes for YOU!!!!!!!!!

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

just checked out BS threads, boy they are pretty angry at ow. The thing that amazes me is that they dont blame H. Its like he is so inocent in the A and ow made him cheat. My mm, pursued me, he made the promises of marriage ,ect. Why are they still in denial, after they found out of the A?

 

They're just like us Mino - in love with someone who has hurt us, tested us to the limits. If I was his W, I would be outraged with the OW because I wouldn't want to believe that this person that I thought was beautiful and loving could ever do such a thing to me. Its easier to deal with the pain that way, easier to think of a H as some feckless idiot that had no choice in the matter. Not all BW's are like that either, and not all OW are. But we all share one thing in common - heartache.

[Shades of Grey]

Hi JNRR,

 

How are you feeling today? x

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Hey Je Ne....

 

My heart really goes out to you....and yes everything will be okay in time, in fact it will be better than you could imagine. It sounds like a lot of insanity concerning the man and his W, that will mostlikely not go away, it is what it is.

 

This guy had a major hold on you due to your current condition....go through the pain and cut off that hold he has....

 

Do things get better? They did with me, but I had to go through hell and back to get "here".

 

My best advice would be to completely stay away from this man before he kills you emotionally and physically. Our bodies and mind are an intricate and delicate network that can be damaged with large amounts of stress. He is not worth the risk.....

 

There IS a man out there just for you, a man who was made for YOU....a man that only has eyes for you....hold out for the best and please do not sell yourself short.

 

A man that I fell head over heals for about 10 years recently came back in a big way in my life....girlfriend he was/is HOT in every way....talk about intelligent....oh my God. We split up back then, but he remained there for me no matter what....he is right up there with the Brad Pitts of this world and I could never understand why he didn't move on and why he stayed in contact with me.

 

We tried to get it together over the years with no avail.....then about 2 months ago he called and began talking about us getting together for real again....I did not take him seriously, although as the days have passed he has become totally intense and we are planning a future....he is all about me....all about commitment with me....we....us and so on....

 

Girl, hold out for the one that only has eyes for YOU!!!!!!!!!

 

Thanks PIH, it really helps to hear someone who has come out the other side and found someone that loves only them.

 

I have remained strictly no contact since Tuesday now. My darkest day was yesterday when I just panicked that I would never see his face, smell him, lie in his arms ever again. But then I got a bit stronger towards the end of the night.

 

He sent me a message today after not hearing from him since Tuesday. He said this was the worst week of his life, that he knew I would be struggling and that I shouldnt think for one second that I hadnt been on his mind. It was so hard not to pick up the phone to him or text him back. The feeling of sickness and happiness that he contacted me just enveloped me. But I just closed my eyes thought about my "revenge" (which isnt really a revenge, its more the thought that my only true way of punishing him for what he has done is getting on with my life.)

 

My friend said block his number but I'm not ready for that. I know I will never contact him again because I could never purposefully put myself through this heartache. But I just cant bring myself to block his number. Its just too soon for me. I know I have to start eating, I have to stop panicking and realise there is a whole world out there full of people that I could be happy with. He cannot be the only one. And your story makes me think that.

 

I just want to wake up with someone that I love and feel loved and give them love and feel happy that I am part of love, if that makes any sense. In the last 12 years I have had three weeks where I have been single. I realised that last night. I have had three long term relationships. Maybe its time I was by myself for a bit to understand who I am. I know I'm panicking that time is running out, that I'm 30 and I want to settle down. But there's no point settling down if I dont know who I am.

 

Sorry, I'm rambling, his text message has thrown me and I'm trying to keep myself in line.

[Tomcat33]

Je Ne Regrette I'm glad to see you are doing a little better today and that you are being strong, you have such a way of expressing yourself you speak so many truths so many observations that could so easily apply to all us women in the same boat. I especially wanted to point out the long post that you made last night where you described what he will go through in his days to come, it gave me goose bumps. Every word seemed like it was written from my experience from my own thoughts. Mino: every word you posted could have been my experience as well both your posts brought tears to my eyes, it stirred up some deep emotions I guess I have been supressing that has helped me cope all these months. It was good to do that do it was good to have those feeling come forth because though I am moving on I still held some things deep within and I would rather release them, so thank you for your incredibly well thought out post Je Ne, it was truly brilliant.

 

I want to remind each and every one of you ladies that are posting in this thread about your experiences just how amazing you are, your intelligence and insight does not go unnonticed.

 

It blows my mind just how similar all of our experiences really are, to think that while we are in it, it feels so unique it feels like something that was so circumstancial to OUR particular situation yet when all is said and done, it is nothing but a cookie cutter replica of the next situation. It's creepy and sad really... and parts are comforting at the same time.....

The fears, the guilt, the indecision, on these men's parts would have fooled me into thinking we had all dated the same man LOL

How much I've learned from this entire experience...WOW what an eye opener it has been. And I must admit that at the lowest point when I first came to LS I was ready to seek therapy, for the first time in my life I thought I would have to seek help to get past this but I read so many different storie so many points for views both from the OW, the cheating men the BS that is helped me out immensely.

 

Anyhow...sorry I went on an emotional rant there

 

Je Ne as per your "blocking" decision, I totally agree with what your thoughts are and can see where you are coming from. I can tell you that not blocking my ex has helped me out a LOT. While I was ready to do that after we saw each other last and everyone around me was pushing me to do so I didn't want to, NOT because I wanted to continue anything with him, I have every intention to NEVER pick up with him again, but simply because I had a feeling he would contact me again in time I wanted to know what he had to say and let me tell you it has helped me out IMMENSELY to have him contact me every so many weeks telling me he is missing me and that things are very hard for him. I know that sounds mean or selfish or childish but for the first few months I needed to know that it helped me out SO much to know that things weren't easy for him that he was thinking of me, in a way it meant what we had def meant something to him, that was my biggest fear that even that was a lie. I never responded to his attempts at contacting me except for a few weeks ago where he just broke down and called me a few times in one night from a weird # and I answered not knowing it was him. Well we spoke and he repeated everything he was saying in his emails, and it made me feel better, hate to admit it but it did.He told me just how miserable he was and deep down I like hearing that.

 

I strive for getting to a point where what he is feeling is no longer relevant to me, but I am not quite there yet. Until then if he wants to tell me how he is feeling and how hard his life is that is fine by me

I feel sorry for his W because while he is no longer betraying her with me he still chooses to confide in me his one-way confessionals about how hard his life is and what hell he has created for himself. How inlove he was with me and how he never knew love until he met me, what crazy thing to still say considering he chose the other life, the one that supposedly never offered him true love!?!?

 

When he got me on the phone he wanted to "talk to me like old times because he missed our long chats" I said to him: "sorry as much as I would love that, it is not longer avaialble to you, I think you should be having those talks with your W"

[Shades of Grey]

"It blows my mind just how similar all of our experiences really are, to think that while we are in it, it feels so unique it feels like something that was so circumstancial to OUR particular situation yet when all is said and done, it is nothing but a cookie cutter replica of the next situation. It's creepy and sad really... and parts are comforting at the same time.....

The fears, the guilt, the indecision, on these men's parts would have fooled me into thinking we had all dated the same man LOL

 

TomCat I couldn't agree more. It is truely extraordinary how similar some of our experiences are. I have also been moved to tears by feelings and situations described on here that I have in the past felt were truely unique to me.

 

I run over some of the things I have read from you guys in my head at night and it provides some comfort even then. Just knowing that i'm not crazy and not the only person ever to have found myself in a situation like this.

[Tomcat33]

Most definitely Shades! I do the exact same thing. I have managed to forgive my ex due to all the things I have read here, it sure has put to rest a lot of the doubts I had about HIM in particular. Our brain can be our own worst enemy at times and I seriously thought I would drive myself insane many times going in circles in my own head.

 

But thanks to all the shared stories you all have provided here and for being able to see and read all sides of the equation presented by both the cheating men, the BS and OW it really has helped me to see all angles to expand my own experience and to see that life is not as black and white as we trick ourselves into thinking it is.

 

With the exception of the odd BS who is bitter and still in denial and only uses the site to cast hate on to the OP, or the cheaters who show no remorse for the OP they leave behind or spouse, who absolve themselves from any responsibility in regards to what they have created in both instances the OP/BS rels, then I can honestly say that the confessions posted on here have helped me out to no end.

 

I have even learned to see through the extreme one sided anger some people display, it's amazing how you can see exactly at what point a person is in the experience given the things they say about each key player. How much denial they are in and how much more they need to travel on their paths in order to get to a safe place. It's quite amazing to see the similar process us humans embark on when dealing with our relationship problems. The stages are quite defined here aren't they?

I know I for one have changed quite a bit since I first came on here my views have really expanded and I find that really amazing.