I need serious ...sorry this is long

[OpenBook]

So instead I'm going to start asking my own questions. "Why did I allow someone to treat me this way for so long?"

 

Because you loved him. Plain and simple.

 

"Do I still believe in True Love, and if so, is true love something different to what I had with my MM?"

 

You may not feel like believing in True Love right at the moment, but I hope and pray you won't give up on it. You've just been thru a really twisted version of it. The Real Thing is coming at you in the future. And you'll be ready for it BECAUSE of this experience, for one thing. For another, because you have a great capacity to love. And for another, because you're FABULOUS. End of story. You don't have to do ANYTHING but just do your own thing. Love (the real stuff) will find YOU. Trust me - the real stuff doesn't have ANY of the doubt, uncertainty, disappointment, etc. in it that you've just experienced.

 

"Why was I so able to settle for so much less?" "Why do I treat others as number one and never let myself be number one?" There's so many answers I need to find from myself and its going to be scary finding them and I'm not really sure how to start, but I think its the only way I can continue forward now.

 

Don't worry about finding the answers right away. Just concentrate on things that make you happy. DO WHAT YOU LOVE - find your passion(s) in life, and do them wholeheartedly. This is the single most effective way to attract The Real Thing.

 

OK, I'm getting off my soapbox now.

[Shades of Grey]

"So instead I'm going to start asking my own questions. "Why did I allow someone to treat me this way for so long?" "Do I still believe in True Love, and if so, is true love something different to what I had with my MM?" "Why was I so able to settle for so much less?" "Why do I treat others as number one and never let myself be number one?" There's so many answers I need to find from myself and its going to be scary finding them and I'm not really sure how to start, but I think its the only way I can continue forward now."

 

I think asking yourself some of these questions sounds like a very good place to start JNRR. Right now I truely feel that my vision of a happy ever after with someone else has been scarred and I don't know if I will ever trust in the sanctity of marriage or believe that true love can last. Maybe this is my punishment for my relationship with MM.

 

I saw him this afternoon. He told me that he missed me that it was starting to really kick in and asked me how I was. I said, you know what? My feelings are constantly changing. I oscillate from one negative emotion to the next on a hourly basis. But right now I am thinking - only you and I know what we had. You know that you will never have that with me again, and you know that you will never have anything like that with w. If you choose to turn your back on it then more fool you.

 

He can go back to his "half life" but he will always be pretending. Whereas i'm tired of pretending and want to live again.

[Cliche]

So instead I'm going to start asking my own questions. "Why did I allow someone to treat me this way for so long?" "Do I still believe in True Love, and if so, is true love something different to what I had with my MM?" "Why was I so able to settle for so much less?" "Why do I treat others as number one and never let myself be number one?" There's so many answers I need to find from myself and its going to be scary finding them and I'm not really sure how to start, but I think its the only way I can continue forward now.

These really are the questions, aren't they? Well, except for the true love one. That's a red herring, I think.

 

But why do we settle for less and MOST IMPORTANTLY, why don't we ever put ourselves first? That is the curse most women carry. And I just don't get it. The day I found out MM lied to me, I should have dropped him like a hot potato. I almost did. I knew it was the smart and right thing to do. Yet, I thought maybe some unconditional love would prove to be the "magic" we both needed. What a load of **** that is! I tried that with the exH and it got me nowhere. Why do I think it would be any different here? When I love myself first...MYSELF...then I suspect I'll make smart decisions. Until then, I am stuck in this same place of quiet and sometimes not so quiet pain as all of us here are.

 

And even now, instead of looking at this situation from the viewpoint of me, me, me, like I should, I still have to give myself other reasons. Like I don't want him down the road so that I'll have to deal with worse pain when he cheats on me. Ugh. What a friggin' mess this all is. Somedays, I wish I were a man.

[annabelle75]

So instead I'm going to start asking my own questions. "Why did I allow someone to treat me this way for so long?" "Do I still believe in True Love, and if so, is true love something different to what I had with my MM?" "Why was I so able to settle for so much less?" "Why do I treat others as number one and never let myself be number one?" There's so many answers I need to find from myself and its going to be scary finding them and I'm not really sure how to start, but I think its the only way I can continue forward now.

 

This is a very healthy way of thinking for you right now. After being married and divorced and then falling into and out of a realtionship with a MM I asked those questions of myself as well. Over the last two years I have redifined myself as a woman with out a man in her life and discovered an amazing sense of peace and empowerment. It is a great place to reach when you are healthy enough to have a relationship but know deep down you don't need one. I found ways to make myself happy and slowly learned how to open my heart again. It took time but it did eventually happen. I'm so much happier with the person I have become opposed to the person I had allowed the men in my life make me.

[Cliche]

This is a very healthy way of thinking for you right now. After being married and divorced and then falling into and out of a realtionship with a MM I asked those questions of myself as well. Over the last two years I have redifined myself as a woman with out a man in her life and discovered an amazing sense of peace and empowerment. It is a great place to reach when you are healthy enough to have a relationship but know deep down you don't need one. I found ways to make myself happy and slowly learned how to open my heart again. It took time but it did eventually happen. I'm so much happier with the person I have become opposed to the person I had allowed the men in my life make me.

 

I was there, Annabelle. I swear I was there. 3 years of peace of growth and awakening self awareness. And then BAM, I'm right back into stupid girl land due to MM. Well, to be fair, some of it must be due to me to have gotten me here. I guess I didn't grow enough.

 

I do want to be back to the place where I was happy...really, I was so content to be out of a relationship. That's where I think I'm heading.

 

Wait for me on the other side!

[MeMyself]

Thanks JNRR. Thanks to your post to me, I made it through the day without contacting. And until I read what you said, I was adamant I was going to let him have it today. I feel much better. I guess also because I heard from an old bf today, who I dated for 3 months about 8 years ago. He told me that its xMM's loss because I am really cute and have so much love to give. Just what I needed to boost my spirits.

 

I know I deserve more than being an option. Because I am worth it. I always said I would never settle and yet that is exactly what I was doing.

 

You are all amazing, here I am sitting on the other side of the world to everyone and you still manage to keep me sane. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I think asking yourself some of these questions sounds like a very good place to start JNRR. Right now I truely feel that my vision of a happy ever after with someone else has been scarred and I don't know if I will ever trust in the sanctity of marriage or believe that true love can last. Maybe this is my punishment for my relationship with MM.

 

I saw him this afternoon. He told me that he missed me that it was starting to really kick in and asked me how I was. I said, you know what? My feelings are constantly changing. I oscillate from one negative emotion to the next on a hourly basis. But right now I am thinking - only you and I know what we had. You know that you will never have that with me again, and you know that you will never have anything like that with w. If you choose to turn your back on it then more fool you.

 

He can go back to his "half life" but he will always be pretending. Whereas i'm tired of pretending and want to live again.

 

You are thinking of saying that to MM SOG, and I honestly think you should. Be in control. Tell him that you're worth more than this. If he can step up to the plate, fair enough. If he can't, as you rightly say, more fool him.

[Mino]

Hi JNNR, how are you today? I seem to be feeling ok, all day at work, I guess bc it takes soooo much energy to play this role of " I dont care, which i am getting to be good at . The problem is when I get home. I have no energy left. I am kinda waiting for his calls, then I start getting depressed, cry, stare at the waslls, hop online, smoke a cig, and this goes on from 2-12, My mind is racing, all kinds of thoughts go through my head. I am thinking back on all we shared, thats when i cry. Then of of coarse, I am thinking what is he doing now, thats when my head starts creating all kinds of wierd things, thats when I go sideways some more. By 7, I am a total mess! Problems sleeping, cause my brain cant stop. even though I am totally exhausted by this point. Today, I totally ignored him, I said hello in the passing, he thought I would stop and chat, I kept walking. He left work early shortly after. Looked around and he was gone. I know I have to be strong, there are moments I just want to pick up the phone and ask if he is Happy with this. I dont, cause It would show him that I miss him...... I just want to know when DOES IT GET EASIER? next week? next month? Somebody PLEASE tell me...

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

...it's got to Mino. Pain is just like every other emotion - transient, subject to change. The pain will get easier as you get stronger, and by not giving in to your MM's ego by showing him you care, you WILL get stronger. We have to, there's nowhere else to go now.

 

Your MM will be suffering. There's nothing like wanting something you can no longer have - we certainly know that feeling don't we Mino?

 

My MM is now in Austria and has been texting me lots of "I miss you" and "I wish I could share this with you". But its so transparent, and he's doing me a favour really by making me see this transparency. How can he honestly think he can destroy me one day and then "I made a mistake" the next?

 

If the pain that he has caused to me was physically apparent I would look like I had been in a car crash. How he imagines that that pain just magically disappears because he is "back" is beyond me it really is.

 

I'm keeping strong though. Its so hard, I cant tell you. It would be so easy to just give in, believe the words, let them wash over me and feel better, but that would be short-lived until the next car crash. I cant put myself through it again.

[Mino]

Thats a very good way of looking at it. A car that crashed! Your are Right!!!! They cant just say ooops, I made a mistake. after crashing us into a wall over and over again. Hey can anyone pm anyone? I have not figured out how that works.. Stay strong, till tomorrow;)

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Mino, go back a few pages in this thread and Annabelle75 explains how to PM - PM me, I'd love to hear from you.

 

I'm going on a trip tomorrow - yay! Somewhere where I wont mope about and be followed by memory after memory of my lovely horrible MM (well, at least I might crack a smile once in a while anyway). But I will have internet access, I've found this thread the support on this thread possibly one of the best ways of figuring things out in my head. And I wont be able not to log in when I'm away.

 

You stay strong too, I'm thinking about you ((hugs))

[Mino]

Hello JNNR, I tried to actiate pm, but is says, I have not posted enough, wrote an e-mail, asking when would I be able to get it. Have not heard anything back yet, maybe tomorrow. I wish I could go on vacation, I really could use one now, but in Steptember, I will be in Europe so I guess I have to wait:( I do wish you sooooo much fun!! Its amazing what a change of scenery will do for your spirit. I do hope you will be able to post, I look forward to reading them everyday, including TOMCATS , I wouldn't be able to make it through a day of nc, without you guys!! Everyone here has been such great support. Now go, go have fun, have a safe trip, and have a drink for me;) (( hugs))

[Mino]

Hello, I finally took a step out last night, a male friend asked if I wanted to go for a drink, beenn staring at these walls for 8 days, so I went. Had a wonderful time, and really enjoyed laughing for a change! This morning I overslept, by surprise xmm called and asked why I am not at work, Told him i was still sleeping, but I am going to come in. Went in almost 3 hours late. XMN came into my office and asked what happened, I replied I went out last night. He asked with who? I replied I don't want to say. He said so you went on a date, I said no, its not like that, he asked again who, I said its not important, He made a wierd face and walked out..... I waited a bit and went to his office, just chit chated like he does, he totally ignoring me, then he asked again, who? I replied the same. He says Gee that was really quick, you going on a date, I said it was not a date, i just wanted to get out and not sit at home like I had been. You could see he was a little confussed. He started packing up his stuff to go go, not saying a word, I said have a nice weekend, he just got up and Hurried out, Yikes! I think he is mad now. I feel bad now, I know I shouldnt, He thinks now that I am dating , which I am not!!! Why is it that I feel bad, we are in nc, and he goes home to his w everyday. You think this will now make him feel better about the breakup? JNRR, I decide to leave town too!!! for the weekend, I will follow my advice I gave to you about a change of scenery, Going to the Big CITY!

[Shades of Grey]

Hi Mino,

 

I'm so glad that you managed to go out and enjoyed a night away from your misery.

 

And it's very predictable that your OM is now showing interest and signs of jealousy at the thought of you dating again. Would he be happier if you sat at home wallowing in misery for the next ten years? He can move on but you must suffer and pine. Hmmm

 

My MM also thought I went out to a party last night. (I didn't actually i couldn't face it so i took a sleeping pill at 9.30pm and went to bed) surprise surprise I woke up this morning to a text from him sent at midnight asking if I was still awake. I just know it was because it was eating him up that I might be out on the town enjoying myself and meeting other men.

 

I know I shouldn't care and be angry at him and I am angry because it reinforces my belief that he is not committed to making things work in his marriage but actually I am comforted by the thought that he is bothered. It's even helped me in a small way. I might go to an imaginary party every night from now on ;)xx

[MeMyself]

This seems to be common amongst most MM/xMM's. You will remember mine went back after being separated for 2 years. And then still had the cheek to interogate me everytime I went out. Who did I speak to, what did I wear, did anyone flirt with me blah blah blah. If he felt I had too much to drink, he would tell me how irresponsible I was. Every second weekend, my son goes to his dad, so he knows I can party up a storm those weekends. You could guarantee that first thing on the monday he would contact me to find out all the details. Then he would get cross with me. Eventually he said that he felt too jealous to hear about hwta I was doing and felt too much to be happy if I had to meet someone, so he would rather not talk to me at all. WTF ever.

 

So that is the gist of why we are in NC. It used to make me incredibly irritated. I mean just who did he think he was. He was going home to his W every night, but was happy to have me sitting at home pining for him. He didn't care I was unhappy, as long as I wasn't meeting anyone. And then he would get angry with me when I reiterated that he chose this, that he put me in the position of doing what ever it took to survive each day....

 

They honestly have a nerve....

[IWALH]

I feel bad now, I know I shouldnt, He thinks now that I am dating , which I am not!!! Why is it that I feel bad, we are in nc, and he goes home to his w everyday.

 

 

Because he has a serious hold on your emotions and your heart. Give it some time. As time goes on, that hold he has will slowly loosen and these "bad feelings" you feel for whatever reason will slowly dissipate. You SHOULD get out there and start dating!! That will make you see that there really are some good, honest men out there that would love to be your one and only!

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Hi everyone, hope you're doing well...

 

Well, I went away for my holiday and had a nice, yet marred time. I was constantly contacted by W who was threatening, insulting, manipulating, friendly, the whole works. I did not contact her once, which was hard as she said some things that had me bouncing up and down wanting to stand up for myself.

 

MM happily remains in Austria for work. He's back today. Isn't it amazing that some MM just have the innate skill of having a brilliant fun-filled life whilst two women fall apart over him? He's contacted me everyday, its all very "The sky here is beautiful, reminds me of you..." yadda yadda yadda. He's doing me a favour though because its showing me that my life with him would probably be far far unhappier than if I was without him.

 

Anyway, I sheepishly returned to work today to find she had called every one of my colleagues individually (some of them I dont even know) to tell them how "sordid" I was and that I was a "laughing stock" and some other pretty horrid things. She then called and threatened to meet me after work. I just felt sick all day. I didnt even go out for lunch. I was sure she was going to be hiding in some bush. I had to tell my boss my every movement for "health and safety". MM rang and I told him that he should return to his W, calm her down, tell her everything will be okay and then hopefully the dust would settle and I could move on. I told him that the only thing that was intact was my dignity, and I was keeping it. He said "But I dont want to tell her that! I want to be with you." Well, tough t**ties!!!

 

Weird thing is, I asked if he had been getting a lot of trouble from her, and she had been relatively friendly to him! As I said, whiter than white.

 

I dont really understand why she is now threatening me. I gave nearly a week of allowing her to vent her anger on me, whilst I was at my very lowest. I listened and agreed while she called me all of the names under the sun. I answered her questions. I thought I had done the right thing by doing that. Dont get me wrong, I wasn't expecting her round for a pizza and a glass of wine on a friday night, but at least I thought she had somehow understood that I was sorry, that I wouldn't be pursuing MM any longer and that I certainly dont want to push her over the edge in any shape or form.

 

Am I expecting too much? Is this what I should expect from W? Is she going too far and I feel to guilty to stop it (my friends take on things) or will it eventually blow over if I sit tight (my take)?

 

I wont be sitting tight though, I need another job now. I dont really know too many people on a friendly basis at work (partly because of my role but also because I spent too much time with MM instead of building friendships). The conversations stopped every time I walked past any colleagues today, I have to go. At least W wont know where I am then.

 

I know know know its all my own doing, getting involved with a MM. I had my eyes open (although I was so convinced it was the love of my life when in fact I had obviously just lost my mind), but it feels pretty unfair that my whole life is having to change. New job, car, number, email address, a whole new me.

[GreenEyedLady]

I really don't understand why you would let this woman mindf*** you...Because that is what she is doing...

 

You let her tear you down and now she has no respect for you...by letting her lay into you for a week (!?) she now feels she has permission to treat you how ever she wants...PUT A STOP TO IT NOW...

 

You got involved with her H...yes that was wrong, but she needs to turn her anger on the person who actually betrayed her...If she won't leave you alone REPORT her...this is harassment and it goes both ways...The law is the law and whether she feels the right to harass you or not, she can't...Change your number and let her know that if she shows up at your work or home that you will be calling the police and if need be, filing a restraining order against her...

 

She is threatening you and you're letting her...Play this smarter, my dear...Don't be her DOORMAT...

[annabelle75]

I really don't understand why you would let this woman mindf*** you...Because that is what she is doing...

 

You let her tear you down and now she has no respect for you...by letting her lay into you for a week (!?) she now feels she has permission to treat you how ever she wants...PUT A STOP TO IT NOW...

 

You got involved with her H...yes that was wrong, but she needs to turn her anger on the person who actually betrayed her...If she won't leave you alone REPORT her...this is harassment and it goes both ways...The law is the law and whether she feels the right to harass you or not, she can't...Change your number and let her know that if she shows up at your work or home that you will be calling the police and if need be, filing a restraining order against her...

 

She is threatening you and you're letting her...Play this smarter, my dear...Don't be her DOORMAT...

 

I very much agree.

 

I sent you a PM earlier and I really hope you read it and take it to heart. You can sit in the corner wallowing in guilt and let this woman ruin your life or you stand up for yourself and let her know that it is not OK and you don't deserve it. Its up to you to make that choice.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Thanks guys. I dont want to be her doormat. I dont feel too much guilt anymore and I no longer want to feel like a victim either.

 

I wouldnt call the police because this woman is a master manipulator. She's a tiny blonde with big brown eyes and I'm about 6 inches taller than her. I can just see it now "She slept with my husband, I tried to kill myself - check your police records - and now she wont give me answers". So, I decided to do some master manipulation myself.

 

I no longer want MM in my life. But, I thought about the best revenge I could get from him. Then I thought, normal revenge would be just too easy (I always like to complicate things).

 

So, what I did, today, without crying for once, was I told my MM to work on his Marriage. I told him he was the greatest person that had ever lived. That he was amazing. That I couldnt love another like I loved him. But due to the consistent harassment of his W, I had to move on. No more contact, ever. That I was sorry it worked out that way. I basically came across as the nicest, loveliest person you'd ever laid your eyes on. Good revenge? Actually - great.

 

Because the one thing I know about my MM is that he lives in a fantasy world. And at the moment, his fantasy is the drama. "My W loves me so much that she tried to end it all!" But what he doesn't realise is that the drama subsides as soon as I'm out of his life. His W continues to control and manipulate him. I used some key phrases such as "Claustrophobia" "Hollow" "Emptiness" "The future without the children" etc. My MM has the biggest rose-tinted glasses you ever saw, he puts Elton Johns specs to shame. And I know that, oo, maybe a month, he will be sitting there thinking - god, my OW was SO nice to me - why am I putting up with this crap off my W? Because he's selfish, and he cares about himself and the treatment of him.

 

My revenge for W? Does she deserve revenge? Not really. She will be her own downfall. I have created a fantasy woman in my MM's eyes, opposite to a controlling woman, opposite to someone who wants to stifle him. The comparisons to her will be enough for her and hopefully it may help her recognise that she isn't the only person who has had her life ruined in any shape or form. Maybe she may start to divert her anger back onto him now that I'm out of the picture.

 

I told him that I was going to go on holiday (his face changed immediately) and try to move on with my life (he started to cry) and try to meet someone that could give me even a smidgen of the love he gave me (wails). Again, I know what makes my MM tick. The thought of rejection because of his W's actions brings their dirty laundry back where it belongs - on his doorstep. But it makes him think he's missing out. It makes him think "What have I done?" I know him, all too well. And although it may not sound like revenge, it is. And the added bonus is that I have such a reason to really succeed in my life, to make myself better, to look good, to be a good person, to meet and love a good person - because now I have the added factor of "Look how my life turned out since I left you".

 

And, without doubt, I will get a message in the future saying "Waahh! Its not working! Have I lost you? Have you moved on??" And when I get that message, I will delete it, and the next one and the next one. Because I am tired of being in their soap opera that they call a marriage. I am tired of his lack of courage. I am tired of her manipulation. I dont want this in my life anymore.

 

I walked away from MM tonight with a pitiful look on my face (for him) and I winked at him, smiled, swished my hair, looked great and sashayed away. He was gutted. Even though inside I felt torn apart I saved it until I reached inside my front door and broke down in tears - more of relief. He has lost his ego-massager. That's got to hurt. And to make the pain more unbearable I made sure I massaged his ego a lot before I walked away - just so when that support has gone, he notices it much more. I've since had two phone calls. I didnt pick up. This is the end of the OW as you know her. I've had enough.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I very much agree.

 

I sent you a PM earlier and I really hope you read it and take it to heart. You can sit in the corner wallowing in guilt and let this woman ruin your life or you stand up for yourself and let her know that it is not OK and you don't deserve it. Its up to you to make that choice.

 

Thanks Annabelle, I read it and I needed to hear it - I really did, so thankyou for the wake up call. I tried to respond but my PM wouldnt go through x

[annabelle75]

BRAVO !!!!!!!!!!! I am so proud of you!

 

Based on what you have told me about the MM and his W, you did exactly what you needed to do and you did it brilliantly. You took a stand for yourself and regained your dignity while at the same time putting the focus back to where it belonged, on their marriage. Their bad marriage is no longer your burden to bare. Timeto stand tall and look forward. You really do deserve to happy!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

My revenge for W? Does she deserve revenge? Not really. She will be her own downfall. I have created a fantasy woman in my MM's eyes, opposite to a controlling woman, opposite to someone who wants to stifle him. The comparisons to her will be enough for her and hopefully it may help her recognise that she isn't the only person who has had her life ruined in any shape or form. Maybe she may start to divert her anger back onto him now that I'm out of the picture.

 

 

Good for you, she deserves what ever comes to her for involving herself in your life, she deserves to have her life ruined and to be compared to a "fantasy woman". Don't fool yourself though, he created the "fantasy woman", you just provided its human form.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

My revenge for W? Does she deserve revenge? Not really. She will be her own downfall. I have created a fantasy woman in my MM's eyes, opposite to a controlling woman, opposite to someone who wants to stifle him. The comparisons to her will be enough for her and hopefully it may help her recognise that she isn't the only person who has had her life ruined in any shape or form. Maybe she may start to divert her anger back onto him now that I'm out of the picture.

 

 

Good for you, she deserves what ever comes to her for involving herself in your life, she deserves to have her life ruined and to be compared to a "fantasy woman". Don't fool yourself though, he created the "fantasy woman", you just provided its human form.

 

Thanks IWWH, I'm sure he will create many fantasy women whilst he does the "honourable" thing and stays in a broken marriage for his children. I hope I've left a lasting affect of the fantasy, the one that got away. In his overly-romantic mind with all of the gaping holes left where I used to fill emotional needs, I see those holes getting bigger and bigger and he will stuff fantasies, other women, is job, his kids and even his W into them, but they wont mop up all of the emotion, all of the pent up resentment, the frustration - and they wont do it with a smile.

 

I was a fool for love, a complete and utter fool. I stood by and watched myself being drawn in, stood on, used up, discarded. But its not going to happen anymore.

 

Annabelle - thank you so much for your support. Its been a real lifesaver for me. I'm not promising great things too quickly, so I may still lend your shoulder from time to time. But I certainly know now, that I am worth a million billion trillion of him, his weird ego-centred wife and his soap opera life. Thanks so much x