Are You Marriage Material?

[Touche]

I have thought a bit on this. Ironically the subject came up at work today. People putting age limits on when they would remarry by, or conditions on the next wife. I just stood there, the ancient 37 year old spinster. I say this only because someone said 'well, I won't be 37 and single'. Ouch, I said, what's wrong with that. I plan on waiting until I am 72 to wed, that way it has to last. I guess I use humor to deflect the ouchy on my ego.

 

I don't know if I am marriage material. Honestly, I guess I have taken the fear of growing old alone, never having children of my own and all that jazz to lunch a few years ago. It was a painful lunch, but I am okay with where I am. I try to be the best person I can be. That is all I can do for me or anyone else who should visit my world. I don't really need someone, but of course I still hold onto the hope that a kind fellow might make an honest woman out of me. I guess I have until I am 72 to really feel bad.

 

The thing is I don't date alot. I have relationships far and few between. I also don't get lost in them and unfortunately because of past experiences I tend to be a little guarded at any onset. However, once I am in a relationship I will stick. I don't cheat, I don't lie, I try my best to be laid back and open to my partner's needs, I keep fit. Overall I think I am a great catch. I forgive alot, however I have basic dealbreakers and am learning to see the flags (thanks Touche). It is just really hard to find a good partner/relationship for which both people can compliment each other. There are alot of frogs, and no matter how many times you kiss them, they just stay....frogs.

 

In all my friends, most married, some now divorced, some headed there. I think I would put my stamp of 'Good Marriage' on 4 couples. All their scenrios are different. My objective observation in all of these healthy couples the presence of genuine love, respect (for each other, for themselves, as well as their commitment), and the sincere enjoyment of each other's company (most of the time). In all of these 'final four' couples I would say that I think each partner individually is a good person, someone I just plain like and respect on their own merits. To see that complimented in another, is a truly beautiful thing. The hope left in some dark crevice of my heart tells me that is worth waiting for, and with (darn hope) a lucky man, worth working towards.

 

Regards,

Unders

 

 

Wow, you touched me Unders. Please don't hold out until you're in your 70's. What a wonderful woman you are.

 

It's funny, you touched on so much. For one thing, you're so right. If we all think of the couples whom we admire and are doing well there are so few where we like BOTH individuals. I can only think of very, very few couples where we like BOTH of them. Usually, one is very likeable and the other one is ...sad.

 

Don't worry about what other people say, unders. So what if you're 37. You're only 4 years older than I was when I met my "one." So what? Be who you are. Your spirit comes through loud and clear on line. And that's rare. It tells me that you're something special in "real life."

 

You're going to be one of those rare people who "laughs last" and who are blessed. Hang in there, undies, ok? Don't worry about what other people say, ok?

 

Hugs,

Touche'

[Trialbyfire]

Apparently I'm considered marriage material. I've had 5 proposals in my lifetime and accepted the only one who would cheat. What's with that?

[burning 4 revenge]

Apparently I'm considered marriage material. I've had 5 proposals in my lifetime and accepted the only one who would cheat. What's with that?

TBF will you marry me?

[Trialbyfire]

TBF will you marry me?

Hahaha...very cute.

[Touche]

Apparently I'm considered marriage material. I've had 5 proposals in my lifetime and accepted the only one who would cheat. What's with that?

 

Aww, you poor thing. I hear you. Me too (well, not FIVE proposals but close!) It's ok...you're marriage material. You just have to watch for the signs, ok? I know you won't make the same mistake again.

[Trialbyfire]

Aww, you poor thing. I hear you. Me too (well, not FIVE proposals but close!) It's ok...you're marriage material. You just have to watch for the signs, ok? I know you won't make the same mistake again.

My current motto "Dead men tell no tales, yo' ho ho".

[Miss_Bee]

My current motto "Dead men tell no tales, yo' ho ho".

 

:lmao:

[Touche]

My current motto "Dead men tell no tales, yo' ho ho".

 

Why do I suddenly have an image of a black widow spider, TBF?

[Gunny376]

A store that sells husbands has just opened in NYNY, where a woman may got to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrace is a description of how the store operates.

 

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

 

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as shopper ascends the flights. There is, however ~ a catch ~ you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

 

On the frist floor the sign on the door read:

 

"Floor 1 ~ These men have jobs and love the Lord

 

The second floor sign reads:

 

"Floor 2 ~ These men have jobs, love the Lord and love kids

 

The third floor sigh reads:

 

Floor 3 ~ These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremly good looking

 

"Wow!" she thinks but feels compelled to keep going

 

She goes to the fourth floor and the sigh reads:

 

Floor 4 ~ These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous and help with the housework

 

"Oh mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

 

Still she goes to the fifth floor and the sigh reads:

 

Floor 5 ~ These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop dead goegeous, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

 

She is tempeted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sighs reads:

 

Floor 6 ~ You are vistor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are NO MEN on this floor. This floor existss solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

 

The Wife Store

 

Charges of gender bias forced the store owner to branch out and he soons opens a "New Wives Store" directly across the street from the "New Husband" Store.

 

Floor 1 ~ The floor has wives who love sex

 

Floor 2 ~ The second floor has wives who love sex and have money!

 

The third through sixth floors has never been visited!

[Touche]

Priceless, Gunny. Absolutely priceless! Ha, ha! Have to show H that one. Thanks.

[Mustang Sally]

Maybe this has already been said, but I think you also have to bring something to the table, to augment the other person, in order to be "marriage material."

 

I am thinking of this topic today, in particular, because of another conversation I had earlier with a friend about this sort of thing.

 

For example, when we met, my H definitely brought "a lot to the table" as far as I was concerned. He was a good friend, smart(er than me), and offered me a unique and valuable perspective on life that I didn't have at the time.

 

Now, though we are still on "friendly" terms, I find that he doesn't really contribute much to the R, in my mind. He's closed off emotionally, and can't make a decision about lots of things to save his life. He freely admits he's spiritually devoid. Although, he does bring a regular paycheck to the table, and I appreciate his help in that way...but I find myself thinking that there's not a whole lot he's contributing anymore. Selfish? Probably. But I don't think M is supposed to be about one person giving it all up while the other saps the life out of them....

 

Anyway, YMMV.

[Curmudgeon]

Wonder why that is, C-Lion? I mean you and I both have good marriages yet we are adamant (sp?) about never doing it again. Why do you think that is? Wouldn't you think we'd want to since we've been lucky the second time around?

 

...because maintaining a good relationship is such damn hard work and forming one is even harder in the beginning years? I don't think I'd have the energy to do it again.

 

Besides, when I divorced in the 90s after not having dated since the 60s the mere thought of it terrified me. Happily, my wife had already been in my life for five years so the transition was painless.

 

I guess it boils down to, for me, the fact that I may have cashed in all my luck in this marriage and there may be nothing or not much left for another. I'm not sure I'd want to take the chance.

 

The other reality is that my wife and I both have children and if she preceded me in death I'd want to preserve a fair share of what we've accumulated as her legacy for her children. A subsequent spouse could, quite understandably, look askance at that and resent it but I'd owe it to my stepdaughters since everything would revert to me if I became widowed, as would everything revert to my wife under the same circumstances.

 

I'm a simple guy and another relationship would just be too confusing!

[Touche]

Ok, yes the financial aspect I can completely agree about. There's no way I'd be combining what I have and we've built up with another. That just would never happen in my book.

 

I can also relate to the "cashing in your luck." What are the odds I'd get so lucky again?

 

But you know what? I don't agree with what you said about how hard it is to maintain a good relationship. I've always said that if it's such hard work, something is wrong somewhere. I'm not saying you don't have a good marriage. But that's just always been my standard. I guess I've always felt that if it's too much work, it's not right for ME and I don't want it.

 

I'm not saying though that I'd never, ever get involved with someone again. If it was easy and light and we got along (like H and I do) I would. I don't think I'd want to be without a companion, if something god forbid happened to my H, but I'd absolutely not marry again.

[Curmudgeon]

But you know what? I don't agree with what you said about how hard it is to maintain a good relationship. I've always said that if it's such hard work, something is wrong somewhere. I'm not saying you don't have a good marriage. But that's just always been my standard. I guess I've always felt that if it's too much work, it's not right for ME and I don't want it.

 

It's a labor of love. It's showing those small yet meaningful attentions, romancing one another daily in little but loving ways, keeping it alive and vibrant. I thoroughly enjoy it and it ISN'T too much work by any means. However, it has to suit and fit the object of your love and I'm not sure I'd want to start learning all over again. I believe I could be happy just with the memories and wouldn't need another.

[Touche]

It's a labor of love. It's showing those small yet meaningful attentions, romancing one another daily in little but loving ways, keeping it alive and vibrant. I thoroughly enjoy it and it ISN'T too much work by any means. However, it has to suit and fit the object of your love and I'm not sure I'd want to start learning all over again. I believe I could be happy just with the memories and wouldn't need another.

 

Ok, I do see what you're saying. I can't really imagine starting all over with someone else either. But nor can I imagine really being alone the rest of my life. I don't know if memories would be enough to carry me through the rest of my life alone.

 

Well who knows? I just hope to God I never have to find out!

[Curmudgeon]

Well, I'm old. LOL! Don't have the energy I used to.

 

I hope neither of us have to find out!

[Touche]

Well, I'm old. LOL! Don't have the energy I used to.

 

I hope neither of us have to find out!

 

You're not old! Hey, and I'm no spring chicken either.

[Curmudgeon]

Coulda fooled me, Cutie!

[Touche]

Coulda fooled me, Cutie!

 

Awww, thanks! I needed that! Slowly inching towards that half century mark. Why if I were a piece of furniture, I'd be considered an antique!

[EnigmaXOXO]

I can also relate to the "cashing in your luck." What are the odds I'd get so lucky again?

 

I think I’m with the two of you on this one, too. It is such a great combination of similar natures, values, and mix of individual personalities that I’d have to go through a thousand men before I found one who could even come close to filling his shoes. I have yet to even meet a friend or individual who has as many redeeming qualities as my best buddy and mate.

 

As a matter of fact, I think it’s because of our very similar natures and the way we automatically navagate relationships that it just comes easy. No work at all because how we interact one on one and with others is already second nature to us. It’s just who we are as individuals.

 

Now, my first relationship/marriage was WORK ... but that’s because my husband and I were a little TOO different from one another.

 

If there were a drastic change in those dynamics, and something should happen to end our relationship in the future, I don’t know if I’d have the energy (or hope) left to invest my heart in someone again. But that would be because of the great ‘disappointment’ I’d feel.

 

But than again ... I felt the same way after my divorce. And two years later, found the man who walked into my heart and showed me just how wrong I was about all that.

 

I guess Life and Love is just something that happens while you’re busy making other plans.

[Curmudgeon]

In my experience, life begins at 50. Everything before that is merely practice!

[Curmudgeon]

Now, my first relationship/marriage was WORK ... but that’s because my husband and I were a little TOO different from one another.

 

 

I guess Life and Love is just something that happens while you’re busy making other plans.

 

My first marriage was also work. But I didn't and it didn't. At age 48 I had no intention of EVER going through that again.

 

I was wrong. At age, 50 love hit. I didn't look for it, expect it, see it coming or even want it but Love had other ideas. I don't regret it.

[Touche]

I can really relate to your post Enigma. Same here. And yes, my first marriage was constant work...constant drama and I felt like I was constantly walking on eggs and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not a good way to live, for sure.

[sb129]

If I had had to answer this a year ago, when i was with my ex, i think I would have had to admit that the answer was no, we were definitely NOT marriage material. I looked at the questions and if I had been answering them a year ago, the answers would have been totally the opposite to how they are today, apart from the financial one.

 

Since then, I have grown up alot by getting out of that destructive R, and met Wonderboy- we met at precisely the right time for eachother.

We were both OK with being single, but if someone special came along, then we had had enough experience to hopefully get it right this time!

 

I am about to turn 30, and am the happiest I have been for years....

 

I was thinking about the phrase "marriage material" and what makes one good marriage material vs. bad marriage material. I'll post my thoughts on this. Feel free to add your own.

 

You're marriage material if:

 

*You don't have to be right all the time.

No. I don't need to be right all the time (anymore!)

 

*You're not overly insecure (I mean we ALL are to a degree but if you need constant reassurances about your SO's whereabouts or you're constantly putting your SO on the defensive with statements like "Why didn't you text, call, send out a smoke signal?") This is a biggie because very often this kind of thing is also a sign of a very controlling person.

 

I am the most secure I have ever been. I think this is a little bit to do with emotional maturity too

 

*You're not argumentative. Can you walk away and say "lets agree to disagree this time, honey"? Or do you have to keep it going and going and going?

 

Yes, i can most of the time. I prefer to choose my battles, and like them to be resolved quickly

 

*You never use name-calling and put-downs in an argument (or at any other time.) And you NEVER resort to physical violence.

 

Not so far. Hopefully it stays this way.

 

 

 

*You can negotiate with your SO.

Yes.

 

*You can use your sense of humor to de-escalate a potential argument.

 

Yes.

 

*You know how to show appreciation (in words and deeds)

 

Definitely.

 

*You're not too intense and can go with the flow.

 

Yes

 

*Your expectations are realistic. (I mean your SO is not going to ALWAYS be there in the EXACT way you want them to be.) How do you deal with disappointment? Do you sulk and pout and pick fights when you haven't gotten your way? Do you try to put the other person down to make yourself feel better? Then you're not marriage material. Keep it REAL!

 

Yes. No I don't sulk, and I don't put the other person down.

 

*You have goals and a plan to achieve those goals.

 

Yes. We have many shared goals too.

 

*You can strike a balance between giving and taking. You don't let it become too one-sided in either direction.

 

YEs.

 

*You can stand on your own feet and have demonstrated that you can support yourself, pay your own bills and can handle money.

 

Yes.

 

Well, that's all I can think of now having only had half a cup of coffee. Feel free to add your own thoughts as to what you think makes a person marriage material.

 

Aw.... Looking good huh!

 

The greatest thing about this thread for me has been how I can see how much I have changed and improved in myself and relationships over the last year. Its nice.

[bish]

Wife? I though you were a woman, bish. Or are you living in one of those states where a woman can legally marry another woman and have a wife? (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

 

Nope, I iza guy Touche