I kissed a married man and am falling in love!

[AFarAwayPlace]

Fun2BeMe, please do back away from the MM while you still can. I am with NearlyThere on this, also involved with an MM over a year now and had I come across this forum sooner, I could have spared myself some serious pain. The pain isn't worth it, the good times, few and far between. I only have an EA with my MM, we have never actually met and yet I feel intense pain, you're best to back away now, if it's "meant to be" he'll get divorced and come to you. Til then, move on and heal the damages of the past. I only wish I could have gotten this advice a year ago. I was blind and basically, I'm still blind, as if he'll ever leave her.

[Sun_Conure]

Do you want to know if there a chance that MM would leave his W before sex with you? I can tell you that yes, there is such chance.

 

I was married but was not very happy in my marriage. Once a guy, whom I kind of liked, asked me out on a date. After careful consideration, I decided to go out with him. My initial idea was to lie to both, my husband and this new guy. Well, before the date, I realized that I could not do that. So I told the guy. Two weeks later I told my husband that I wanted divorce. The truth was my marriage was dead by the time when I decided to go out on a date with a guy, who was not my husband.

 

Well, my marriaged ended, but thing did not work out with that guy anyway. I got really depressed (quite common in after divorce situations) because of the divorce, new life, added responsibility, new many issues with I had to face now on my own. Do I regret leaving my husband? Hell, no! What's the moral of this story? Do not get involved with a marride men. Even if they leave their marriage, it does not mean they would be able to stay in your life.

[justice]

I'm not an OW, I am or was, before my divorce, a BS, which means Betrayed Spouse.

My husband and the OW he was seeing totally wrecked what was a very close and good marriage. And it all started with one kiss. Please don't look at this as harmless. If you think you might love this man at all, don't be the one responsible for making him ruin his marriage, though you wouldn't be one hundred percent to blame on that. He might give up his marriage, he might not. If his wife ever found out I don't see as how he would have a choice on anything if she decided to end the marriage, but, if he is only playing you and the wife finds out as I did, do you really want to bear the burden of guilt that this would be fifty percent your fault? What if he decided he didn't really want to divorce his wife and begins to see you as the whole blame that the marriage is over? Temptation is over very quickly, regret however is not and he could end up resenting you for what happens in his marriage. My husband was guilty as they come but when I found out about his relationship with the ow to be sure, he threw her under the proverbial bus real quick and blamed it all on her, even though I knew there were two sides to the story and that it wasn't all her fault.

Do you really want to be the cause of his wife finding out, of her hurting and being in such pain that all she can think of is the hurt? He will see her like this and if they have any good history together it will affect him, don't think it won't. And it will hurt him, no matter what you do or say to try to ease that pain. Seeing his wife in so much grief, knowing he and you caused it. What are your chances here? Do you want to be and are you ready to be honest and truthful if the wife confronts you? And if she has any chutzpah she will be coming to you once she finds out.

I hope you will think past your lust and your own needs before you go any further, are there any kids involved? You do need to think past yourself, this isn't only your relationship, but it's hers and their kids too if they have any? Do you really want to break up a whole entire family over momentary lust? It won't last, trust me. Something that starts in deciet, never does.

This is your call. Please think about it before you take someone else's husband, her marriage and the life that was supposed to have been theirs together, not yours and his.

I'm not meaning to cause you any pain nor be hostile, I'd just like you to think about this from someone else's point of view, the one who will be bearing the largest pain out of all of you.

Remember what you sow is what you reap.

[Tomcat33]

Do you want to know if there a chance that MM would leave his W before sex with you? I can tell you that yes, there is such chance.

 

I was married but was not very happy in my marriage. Once a guy, whom I kind of liked, asked me out on a date. After careful consideration, I decided to go out with him. My initial idea was to lie to both, my husband and this new guy. Well, before the date, I realized that I could not do that. So I told the guy. Two weeks later I told my husband that I wanted divorce. The truth was my marriage was dead by the time when I decided to go out on a date with a guy, who was not my husband.

 

Well, my marriaged ended, but thing did not work out with that guy anyway. I got really depressed (quite common in after divorce situations) because of the divorce, new life, added responsibility, new many issues with I had to face now on my own. Do I regret leaving my husband? Hell, no! What's the moral of this story? Do not get involved with a marride men. Even if they leave their marriage, it does not mean they would be able to stay in your life.

 

SC Loved this post, very honest, filled with life and down to the point.

You can't beat that: personal experience and common sense!

 

He used to talk about his wife (nice things) but lately he has not mentioned her so I can also assume they might be having problems though they seem happy together so I don't know, am so confused. Any advice?

 

That's because he is trying to get into your pants. Your answer is in the orginal post THEY ARE HAPPY. Don't mess that up, and certainly don't mess yourself up YOU may be in love, he is not.

[scaredinlove]

I can't believe I'm posting in this forum. I am

 

I think he is the love of my life and don't want to miss the opportunity of having a future together. He used to talk about his wife (nice things) but lately he has not mentioned her so I can also assume they might be having problems though they seem happy together so I don't know, am so confused. Any advice?

 

 

In most cases he wont leave his wife, and you will be his mistress forever. You might a slim change but relly really slim. So unless you want to suffer and be in the shadows forever, you should stop now!

[Fun2BMe]

I am feeling extremely overwhelmed and emotional and will have to respond a little later so I don't explode on anyone. I feel that most responders don't understand what it feels like. I too used to think no way, it's wrong and it would seem easy to walk away. But it is different when you're in the situation and I have to think fast as to which direction everything will head the next time I see him.

 

At this point I am thinking of postponing our meeting until maybe next week when I've had more time to think, but at the same time I can't wait to see him again either:confused: I pray I do the right thing. I don't want to miss out on my soulmate and at the same time don't want to be the cause of another woman's broken heart, but what about my heart? She will be the cause of my heart break if I simply walk away without fighting for the love of my life. Why should she have her?????????????????? What if he senses my love for him is greater than his wife's? What if his for me are greater than what he feels for her, so when I start thinking about it in that way, I think how could it be wrong.

 

Then I think about it in other ways as others have posted and it seems wrong, but is there not one person who sees it from an it's right point? I'm surprised by the responses.

[Tomcat33]

FUN2B

 

Forget about right and wrong, that's not going to make sense to you now, you're thinking with your heart not your head so right and wrong are out the window.

 

You see, he is happy in his marriage and is probably looking for somthing new and fresh, and he found that in your. But once the novelty wears off he has the securtiy of his marriage at home and a happy (though perhaps routinem happy nonetheless) relationship with his W. What will end up happening is that he will slowly start to tell you what you want to hear and you will be the one falling head over heels in love with him and he will be the one getting the most out of this situation. If you want to know how he feels ask him point blank. Are you ready to leave your marriage.

He will give you the answer, and if he proceeds to honour his words then you can make a more eductated decission on how you want to proceed.

 

Otherwise you are setting yourself up for a LOT of pain, forget about "why should his W win"ahhhhh because she is already married to him and they are happy. She SHOULD win.

[hurting_in_nw]

Darlin', if it's meant to be, the both of you will wait around for his divorce to be final. Otherwise, you're just risking tainting things from the start and essentially dooming it to fail.

[Mezzi]

There are plenty of un-married men out there. Why in the world were you even pecking a married man on the cheek in the first place?

He is a commited man and its wrong and sinful for you to be engaging in any form of sexual activity regardless of how mild with him.

 

You keep mentioning "..I used to think...." as if justifies your new mode of thinking. You need to leave this married man alone and find a man that you can call your own. This relationship can only go so far as in the intial stages you are more than likely going to be kept in the dark.

 

Additionally, not many married men are going to give up the security of their marriage for a new relationship. Most of them want to keep their wife and have someone on the side to use.

[alphamale]

tsk tsk F2BM, tsk tsk....you should talk with my friend BTDT before going any further.

[whichwayisup]

but what about my heart? She will be the cause of my heart break if I simply walk away without fighting for the love of my life. Why should she have her??????????????????

 

Fun, you have no right to try and steal this woman's husband away from her. He isn't the love of your life. Less than 2 weeks ago, you were inlove with your T, and before that, another man that you were in a relationship with.

 

The pattern seems to be, you get emotionally attached to another guy to get over the other guy.

 

What about your heart? Well, save it for a single guy, not one who is married and isn't up for grabs. You deserve more, I hope you know that. Yes, you may feel a connection to him, but he is taken. even if he is making passes at you, it's wrong of him to be doing this, to you, to his wife and to his kids (if he has any.)

 

Fun, go read some other threads here, you need to see what you're up against if you decide to let yourself be the OW.

[Meaplus3]

I am feeling extremely overwhelmed and emotional and will have to respond a little later so I don't explode on anyone. I feel that most responders don't understand what it feels like. I too used to think no way, it's wrong and it would seem easy to walk away. But it is different when you're in the situation and I have to think fast as to which direction everything will head the next time I see him.

 

At this point I am thinking of postponing our meeting until maybe next week when I've had more time to think, but at the same time I can't wait to see him again either:confused: I pray I do the right thing. I don't want to miss out on my soulmate and at the same time don't want to be the cause of another woman's broken heart, but what about my heart? She will be the cause of my heart break if I simply walk away without fighting for the love of my life. Why should she have her?????????????????? What if he senses my love for him is greater than his wife's? What if his for me are greater than what he feels for her, so when I start thinking about it in that way, I think how could it be wrong.

 

Then I think about it in other ways as others have posted and it seems wrong, but is there not one person who sees it from an it's right point? I'm surprised by the responses.

 

Oh I do feel for you, because I once thought like you, and it got me NO where! He does not love you, he loves his wife and he want's to be with her. You are over thinking his feeling's for you. This will eat at you inside, trust me! You need to walk away and seek help from a therapist. It took me much grief and heartache to realize all the pain that I caused myself and other's. I so regret getting invloved with some one else's marriage. For all I know it could have caused problem's for them as it did for me and my H. Do you really want it to come to that? He is married!!! Happy and in love with his wife, you can and never will replace that for him! Forget it!

 

AP:)

[Trialbyfire]

F2bm, time to step back and think outside of yourself, beyond yourself and away from yourself. You don't deserve happiness at the expense of others who are entitled by law.

 

Don't poach. You were poached. Did you enjoy it? How did it make you feel? I guess the woman who poached your ex deserved more happiness than you did.

[Sun_Conure]

Fun2BMe

 

I understand what you mean and what you are feeling. I have been there and not as a OW but as a Married me (forgot the abbrevation). I did like that new guy a lot, which by the way rarely happens. So when I considered my possibilities, I finally decided to do an honest thing. I left my husband before exploring my emotions for a new guy.

 

So if your MM really thinks that you are his soulmate and he is attracted to you on the same level as you are to him, he would consider leaving his wife before starting something with you. This happens! Trust me, I have done that.

 

Just beware that divorce procedure is no picnic. He might and probably will be depressed after he leaves his wife. Depression is a common response to divorce. Are you sure your relationship will survive his depression? That's another consideration. Depression is an illness, which takes a lot of time to heal. In my case, I was clinically depressed for 3 month, did not take any mediation, then mild depression continued for another year. Only 2 years later I am coming back to who I was before the divorce and even better then I was before. And my case is quite good. Are you sure you want all that?

[whichwayisup]

The other thing is, in the past 6 months you've been through alot. From past relationships you've gained some insecurities, and due to the treatment of your recent ex-boyfriend, you still could be vunerable...So the MM kissing you, making you feel good is clouding your judgement, making you believe that it is love. You want to love someone, it's just that this MM that you think you love, isn't available - EVEN though he may be presenting himself like he is. It's wrong of him, and he's disrespecting his wife, his vows and betraying his family by what he's doing with you.

 

Crushes and intense feelings CAN feel like love, or as you feel, soulmates... It's just not right to pursue it because he's married. You have to be the strong one here and refuse his advances, even if it kills ya.

 

I too used to think no way, it's wrong and it would seem easy to walk away. But it is different when you're in the situation and I have to think fast as to which direction everything will head the next time I see him.

Listen to yourself. YOU know it's wrong, even though your heart doesn't want to listen. And yes, ofcourse you being smack in that situation is going to make you wonder and feel confused on what to do, but because you've posted about it and deep down you KNOW you shouldn't get involved with him, you gotta fight it and tell him NO. Not while he's married. If his marriage is going to end, let it be because their marriage isn't going well or he wants out...Not because you want him to leave his wife for you.

 

The fantasy is not reality.

[alphamale]

Don't poach. You were poached.

revenge is a dish best served cold F2BM...

[Can'tGiveUp]

Ok - I've read all the posts and there are only a few responses from OW. And all are telling you almost exactly the same thing "If only I knew then, how I would feel now, I would never have done it." That's life and experiencing it. We learn and grow from our experiences.

 

What very few will say, and what I will openly tell you, is that given the same set of circumstances, I would do it all over again. I would make the same choices I did.

 

You really need to find out now, what he thinks his future is with his M. If he has kids, then you can almost be assured that he will not be leaving. And he may be very open about having no plans to leave. That has been my experience, though there are many who have been lied to repeatedly about that.

 

Take care - if you do go for it, then you will undoubtedly suffer some serious pain from the fallout.

[LucreziaBorgia]

is there not one person who sees it from an it's right point?

 

There is never a time outside of an agreed upon open marriage agreement where f*cking around with someone else's husband is even approaching 'right'.

 

"Love" doesn't make it ok to go behind somone's back and pursue their husband.

 

"Love" doesn't make it ok for a husband to go behind his wife's back and cheat on her.

 

I'm not sure you are getting this... but there is nothing "right" about what you are doing, regardless of how you may think you feel about him (and delude yourself about how you think he feels about you).

 

I don't want to miss out on my soulmate and at the same time don't want to be the cause of another woman's broken heart, but what about my heart? She will be the cause of my heart break if I simply walk away without fighting for the love of my life. Why should she have her?????????????????? What if he senses my love for him is greater than his wife's? What if his for me are greater than what he feels for her

 

Hoo boy. This is the sort of thing that no MM wants to even think of hearing coming from his OW. All he wants is some recreational sex! Poor guy. I almost feel sorry for him.

[alphamale]

I almost feel sorry for him.

not me....he'll have his cake and get to eat it too! every man's dream...wife and kids on one side and a sexy mistress on the other.

[Meaplus3]

The other thing is, in the past 6 months you've been through alot. From past relationships you've gained some insecurities, and due to the treatment of your recent ex-boyfriend, you still could be vunerable...So the MM kissing you, making you feel good is clouding your judgement, making you believe that it is love. You want to love someone, it's just that this MM that you think you love, isn't available - EVEN though he may be presenting himself like he is. It's wrong of him, and he's disrespecting his wife, his vows and betraying his family by what he's doing with you.

 

Crushes and intense feelings CAN feel like love, or as you feel, soulmates... It's just not right to pursue it because he's married. You have to be the strong one here and refuse his advances, even if it kills ya.

 

 

Listen to yourself. YOU know it's wrong, even though your heart doesn't want to listen. And yes, ofcourse you being smack in that situation is going to make you wonder and feel confused on what to do, but because you've posted about it and deep down you KNOW you shouldn't get involved with him, you gotta fight it and tell him NO. Not while he's married. If his marriage is going to end, let it be because their marriage isn't going well or he wants out...Not because you want him to leave his wife for you.

 

The fantasy is not reality.

 

...So the MM kissing you, making you feel good is clouding your judgement, making you believe that it is love. You want to love someone, it's just that this MM that you think you love, isn't available - EVEN though he may be presenting himself like he is. It's wrong of him, and he's disrespecting his wife, his vows and betraying his family by what he's doing with you

Well Said Whichway! Fun2bEM he is clouding your Judgement and playing you big time. I never will Fully understand why a MM who claim's to be so happy within their marriage could walk around with an air of "I'm available". I told MM this toward's the end of our A. I told him it would be in his best interest to remove that so called "I'm available sign" that he show's to other woman, if he plan's to stay married! I was glad to say that to him, because he only "played" me for a bit of fun and nothing else! He so did not respect his wife that's clear. The MM need's help for himself he's a sad case and I am so very glad that I am not the one who's stuck with him on a daily basis!

 

AP:)

 

 

 

[Island Girl]

I am feeling extremely overwhelmed and emotional and will have to respond a little later so I don't explode on anyone. I feel that most responders don't understand what it feels like.

 

Most responders know how it feels to meet someone you are attracted to. That is something I think everyone can relate to.

 

We all also know that most relationships, even when met as two single individuals without extra problems (like a marriage) thrown in, do NOT end up in a "together forever soulmates" situation. Most break up actually.

 

Everything is always exciting in the beginning of ANY relationship. Do not get lost in your feeling of "I am the ONLY one who knows what this feels like". You aren't.

 

You do not know this man. You have not dated him. You have not seen him IRL at all.

 

I too used to think no way, it's wrong and it would seem easy to walk away. But it is different when you're in the situation and I have to think fast as to which direction everything will head the next time I see him.

 

It is NOT different. You'd like it to be - but it is not.

 

Let me illustrate my point.

 

I met the love of my life and went through a whirlwind romance with him. We were together every day and night - only separated during work hours.

 

This went on for 2 1/2 months and we moved in together.

 

We had been living together for 6 months when I found out he was married.

 

He wasn't "splitting his time" between households. He was with me every night.

 

I loved this man with all of my being and I had NEVER really loved any man before.

 

That DIDN'T matter.

 

When I found out - I kicked him out.

 

I told him he had to take care of whatever he was doing with his marriage and as long as he remained married, WE had nothing to talk about.

 

I had a long conversation with his wife and she detailed that for years he had been stating he wanted a divorce. She confirmed he had been acting 'single' for many years as well. He had put the ball in her court to file for the divorce because culturally it would be much better for her to do so.

She had not wanted to and I still do not understand the reasons why.

 

As another poster said -- he had been done with the marriage and had moved away from any type of relationship with her BEFORE we even met.

 

When he had met me, he had started pushing, with a sudden sense of urgency, for her to get the papers done. She knew about me and had heard we were thinking of getting married.

 

He did come to me weeks after the split to try to rekindle "us" and it was a long hard road for him. He had lied to me about being married and that was a betrayal. It took years to build up my trust and faith in him again. But he put in the effort.

 

My point to you is:

 

It was wrong to me to get involved with a married man.

 

Although I had been involved with him for over 8 months by that time (and we had been LIVING TOGETHER for 6 of those) I was willing to walk away because of the situation.

 

It was wrong. It was wrong for him to lie to me. It was wrong for him to begin a relationship with me when he was still attached to someone else.

And he knew I NEVER would have made the choice to get involved in that messy situation.

 

So to say that anyone couldn't "know how it feels" is a misstatement at the very least.

 

I am asking you to make yourself a priority and demand all of one man for yourself. If a man can not give you that from the very beginning WALK AWAY.

 

I am married to him now. YEARS later. We worked through it or should I say he jumped through hoops for years to work through it.

 

And his only saving grace was that I was never a side dish. He never asked me to be satisfied with sloppy seconds or partial time or partial commitment.

 

Honestly, if this man had any respect for you or caring for you, he wouldn't ask you to be 2nd. Which he is.

 

This man has a spouse who is still very much a part of his life. She is number 1 and you are entertaining the idea of being number 2.

 

Do not stoop to that. You do not know him. You have not built a history. It is attraction pure and simple. There are a lot of men you have been attracted to and I am sure you have thought it was "forever". But it didn't last, did it? So what are the chances that this one will? He is still very involved with his wife. He still lives there WITH her. He sleeps in bed with her. He plans his life with her. And somehow you think that a few kisses and an attraction to you will supercede that?

 

C'mon sweetie. Take a good look before you jump -- there isn't any water in the pool. You are looking at taking a headfirst dive into cement. There's nothing but pain at the end of that exciting plunge.

 

 

I pray I do the right thing. I don't want to miss out on my soulmate

 

It sounds like there have been a lot of possibilities of this soulmate that you speak of. And those possibilities have ended in heartbreak for you.

 

Those relationships did not start out with such major turmoil and yet they still ended.

 

You should have basic standards in how you expect to be treated.

 

The fact that you initiated the first "pecks" of contact has told this man you are willing to accept less. You are setting a terrible precedent. He will tell you when you lay it on the line to try to get more of a commitment, "you knew I was married".

 

By your actions you have told him you are willing to accept the terms of what he can give in his situation -- which isn't much.

 

and at the same time don't want to be the cause of another woman's broken heart,

 

Good. There is one statement coming from clarity. Knowing what it is like to be cheated on should give you very clear decision making process.

 

As long as he is with someone else he is off limits. And if he is asking you to participate in a triangle, he does not have any respect for you. He can say whatever he wants, the truth is in the actions.

 

but what about my heart?

 

What about it? At this point your heart is not involved. And before you say "yes it is" --- IT ISN'T. You don't know him so you CAN'T love him. You have a crush - an attraction. That is all.

 

Keep your heart and give it to someone who doesn't have to consider anyone's feelings but yours and his. This man doesn't have that capability.

 

She will be the cause of my heart break if I simply walk away without fighting for the love of my life.

 

Noooo. YOU will be the cause of your own heartbreak walking into this situation knowingly.

 

He is NOT the love of your life. You do not really know him.

 

If he separates from his wife, tells her it is over, and moves toward divorce proceedings, then you can ENTERTAIN the idea. However, actions speak louder than words so until you see action, I wouldn't even think about it.

 

There is an innocent party whom you will knowingly hurt. That is his wife who is not a willing participant in this little dalliance of yours. You will be choosing actions that will hurt another ON PURPOSE.

 

Throw that harm out there into the universe and it has a boomerang effect that will be devastating to you.

 

Why should she have her??????????????????

 

Because right now he is involved in a relationship with her where he stood up and said vows to her - and is living those vows in appearances at the very least. THEY have a commitment that he is IN completely.

 

What if he senses my love for him is greater than his wife's? What if his for me are greater than what he feels for her, so when I start thinking about it in that way, I think how could it be wrong.

 

DO YOU THINK HE LOVES YOU? You are kidding, right? Has he said anything remotely like that? NO. That is wishful thinking that is coming from your head.

 

And a man doesn't choose whom he is going to be with based on who loves him more. It is who HE loves more. And chances are it is HIS WIFE.

 

Otherwise he would have left her a long time ago. Then he'd have the ability to be all yours -- ALREADY.

 

Then I think about it in other ways as others have posted and it seems wrong,

 

Because it IS wrong. He is in a marriage. If it is a dead marriage then he should have already made the move to be done.

 

but is there not one person who sees it from an it's right point? I'm surprised by the responses.

 

You are searching for a supporting person who will tell you what you want to hear because it sounds like you have already made your mind up and are now trying to find reasons to justify what your actions are going to be.

 

You call this man the love of your life - you say he's your soulmate - occasionally you preface those statements with "possibly" or "could be" but in reality you have already started focusing on him as your version of The One.

 

I fear you are not listening - never going to listen - and you will just plunge right into this thing head first.

 

If you are in therapy for failed relationship having been cheated on, etc. You are vulnerable. You are heading toward emotional heartache that is going to be detrimental and you refuse to see it.

 

He is emotionally invested somewhere else but you are going to do this anyway, aren't you?

 

See you here in a few months when you realize what you have done to yourself and your life.

[Guest]

you WILL end up hurt. I've been there (a few times)

besides...how can you trust someone who is cheating on their wife? He'll cheat on you too. Please stop before you become an emotional mess.

[Fun2BMe]

What's to think about? If he's married and "Messing" with you than he's a player! Where do you think it will get you to be in an "R" with him?

 

AP:)

 

He's not "messing". He is forming a relationship with me.

[Fun2BMe]

Here is what you do you leave him alone. You walk away. You don't get involved in someone else marriage.

Easier said than done.

 

Remember the pain you felt you your last BF went to China with another girl and you were convinced he was cheating on you? remember the agony?

He met her during the course of a one week trip and boom they cheat and it's really unacceptable. In my situation, I have been having feelings and getting to know the MM (ugh I hate referring him to that, and still can't believe i'm posting in this forum) we've been getting to know each other for OVER SIX MONTHS so it is real in comparison to what my ex the bastard did to me.

[Fun2BMe]

This is exactly how it was with my XMM. He had a *good* marriage. He got along with with his wife. She is good person. What he lacked was passion and sex from her. Sooner or later they come their senses and STAY in the marriage.

 

Imagine if this man does have passion and sex in his marriage, and he is still in love with me and attracted to me. All the more reason that our love is so great he is willing to be with me. It's not like he has a broken marriage and here I come along. He loves me so much that he is inspite of his good marriage coming to me. We are meant to be together but I don't if I should proceed along this path and how to go about it to get a good ending.