The honeymonn is over

[Touche]

Last week, I was listening to a talkback show on the radio about widows under the age of 50.

A women whose husband had DIED IN HER ARMS was describing the utterly debilitating grief she experienced afterwards. It made me cry.

If anything happened to my BF, I would be devastated.

 

How dare you make assumptions about and insult those of us who love our SOs, and those people who have sadly loved and lost in such a flippant way.

 

 

 

Me too. and I would expect someone to eventually have a problem with me if it was me with all the suspicions.

 

 

 

IG replied to that insult with dignity, but I am shocked at such rudeness.

 

 

 

Exactly. Which is what i tried to say in my post too.

 

Woggle, your W is an amazing woman to put up with this kind of insulting attitude.

 

Amazing or completely in the dark.

[Woggle]

My wife knows I have been through my share of drama with women but she doesn't know how bad my issues are.

[Trimmer]

My wife knows I have been through my share of drama with women but she doesn't know how bad my issues are.

Woggle - You go from "ready to file for divorce on the spot" to "calmed down" in 12 hours. You agonize deeply over the trusworthiness of women, and yet you have withheld from your wife the depth of your own struggle, which is bound to have a direct effect on your ability to participate in a stable marriage? Do I have that correct?

 

You need more than you can get from a discussion board. Do you have a therapist, and are you currently going?

[a4a]

Deception = lie

[sb129]

So much for the old, why get mad if it doesn't apply to you argument. Apparently, Woggle, you have stopped talking in silly generalities and have now moved to full-on direct insults. It's really rather cruel - both this comment and the one about women not caring if their men died. I realize you don't get it, because it's part of your pathology. I'm equally sure that you haven't even noticed how tolerant many people here are of what you say to them - they do not respond in kind, and they just try to point out, in a personal way, why what you're saying is so incredibly inaccurate. I think perhaps this tolerance is because it really does feel like you've crossed a line and people are more seriously concerned than angry with you at this point. You should take that to heart.

 

Serial Muse, you hit the the nail on the head.

 

Woggle, do you even digest what some of us are saying to you? It seems like all you do is rant on about your issues, and you don't even seem to read our posts, cos you certainly don't respond to them, or apologise for the insults. I mean, maybe you don't think you are insulting us, but most people apologise if they have inadvertently offended others.

 

 

My wife knows I have been through my share of drama with women but she doesn't know how bad my issues are.

 

Your issues are all-encompassing, and you are so self absorbed over this issue it is frightening.

 

Only a therapist can help you, none of us can, especially when you won't even read what we have to say.

[Woggle]

I have to stop reading those websites and books like that. I notice that every time I go on a rant like this is when I go on some manhating website. I also apologize to Island Girl for the personal attack. That was uncalled for and I am sorry. Sometimes it just seems like the entire female population has turned against men and my response is right back at them but I know that is not healthy.

[sb129]

I have to stop reading those websites and books like that. I notice that every time I go on a rant like this is when I go on some manhating website. I also apologize to Island Girl for the personal attack. That was uncalled for and I am sorry. Sometimes it just seems like the entire female population has turned against men and my response is right back at them but I know that is not healthy.

 

Woggle, for once, I agree with you.

 

Good for you. Its a teeeny tiny step in the right direction.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

My wife knows I have been through my share of drama with women but she doesn't know how bad my issues are.

 

I'm sure she does Woggle, you're just so obsessed with your own issues that you're probably not even noticing how hurtful you are being to her.

 

So, I guess this is sabotage? Push her to the limit with emotional cruelty and if she doesn't leave or have an affair, she really is worth trusting? Do you love her Woggle, enough to work on your own issues without forcing them onto her?

[Woggle]

I don't take this out on her at all. When I am in one of my moods I vent on this board. This board is probably keeping my marriage toghether.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I have to stop reading those websites and books like that. I notice that every time I go on a rant like this is when I go on some manhating website. I also apologize to Island Girl for the personal attack. That was uncalled for and I am sorry. Sometimes it just seems like the entire female population has turned against men and my response is right back at them but I know that is not healthy.

 

Good realisation. Could you go no-contact with the websites and books? Look at your own individual situation before assuming your W if behaving like others?

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I don't take this out on her at all. When I am in one of my moods I vent on this board. This board is probably keeping my marriage toghether.

 

Woggle, you said in your OP that you had a fight about kids, that you told her that you didnt know if you trusted her - your W herself said you needed to stop punishing her. You later posted you were ready to file.

 

I'm all for venting, but it sounds like you are pushing your W to the emotional limit. It must be very hard for her to understand your issues if she loves you and wants your M to work. It must be ultra-frustrating and upsetting if she knows that even though she works on the M (which I'm assuming she does from other lovely posts you where you have talked about her) and she is constantly trying to prove herself to you.

 

At least you have recognised that one of your triggers is reading sites/books/other experiences...

[Woggle]

I think it's the combination of the websites plus a close friend is going through a nasty divorce and I will be there for him. It really is hard to trust after you have been hurt so many times but I have to learn how to do it.

[Woggle]

I know this is a bit off topic but one of my issues with kids is that I don't know what kind of father I will be. My grandfather abused my mother and my mother abused me so who is to say I won't continue the cycle? Plus my wife goes back and forth herself between wanting kids and thinking that motherhood is not for her.

[Touche]

I had a feeling she had no clue as to the extent of your "issues." Well, the genie will eventually come out of the bottle.

 

Once the honeymoon really is over, you may find that your issues will be harder to hide from her. Your marriage may be severely affected. You need to rid yourself of this once and for all. Don't wait because then it may be too late.

[serial muse]

I know this is a bit off topic but one of my issues with kids is that I don't know what kind of father I will be. My grandfather abused my mother and my mother abused me so who is to say I won't continue the cycle? Plus my wife goes back and forth herself between wanting kids and thinking that motherhood is not for her.

 

I feel for you, and your concern over continuing a cycle of abuse is a valid one. I must say that it does not seem like you're ready to take on any additional responsibility right now, when you're still careening back and forth with all this anger. It would be far better to first spend more time focusing on your own healing, on what's good in your life, and on moving away from all the hate. Perhaps forgiving your mother isn't possible right now, but lashing out at innocent people with misplaced anger at her (and, I understand, your ex-wife) is exactly what you want to find a way to recognize and learn to stop. From what you've said of her, she apparently took out her anger at her father on you and, by extension, on all men. It does seem like you might take that same path, unless you take great care.

 

It really is hard to trust after you have been hurt so many times but I have to learn how to do it.

 

Yes. A very honest statement, and I truly hope you will. If you want a happy future and a solid, stable marriage, this is the ONLY way to achieve it. I know this is what you want, so I hope you'll find the strength to get there.

[Woggle]

I thank people on here for being patient and understanding. I know my diatribes must ge tiring but this board is like my therapy and I do realize I need to improve myself.

[Flyin in Clouds]

I believe that most women don't have any feelings at all for men. Most women couldn't care less if their husband was killed. In fact they would probably jump for joy because they would be free again.

 

Woggle, if you don't stop this crap you will end up divorced. You sound exactly like the male counter part to my female friend. Everything you say about women, she'd say about men. And eventually her H couldn't take it anymore and found other women... sad because he really loved her.

 

Not every woman is a black widow. Granted there are some black widows out there. Granted some women (and men) can be pretty rotten.

 

But MOST people are decent people. Well, until they get behind the wheel and drive on a freeway then they all turn to sh*ts.

 

And what is the online book on Women's Infidelity?

 

Fear is a reflection. If you want to cheat, then you think your wife probably cheat. SO why do you want to walk out on your wife?

No fear isn't a reflection. Fear is a reaction to a situation conditioned by past experiences. Fear is a self preservation mechanism. It keeps us from getting hurt. Fear of heights keeps us away from the edge of cliffs.

 

My wife knows I have been through my share of drama with women but she doesn't know how bad my issues are.

 

Well if you keep this up, she'll know and then the .... will hit the fan so to speak. She'll either decide she doesn't want to deal with this crap the rest of her life or if you let her into your mind, she may decide she'll help you understand she's not like the MINORITY of women that cheat on their mates. (Yes, more and more women are cheating, but they are still in the minority).

 

You agonize deeply over the trusworthiness of women,

Like you Woggle I agonize over that too... but I don't see all woman as untrustworthy.

 

I'm sure she does Woggle, you're just so obsessed with your own issues that you're probably not even noticing how hurtful you are being to her.

Woggle, do you love your wife? If you do, and I mean really love her, then stop obsessing over what she's going to do to you.

 

Start focusing ENTIRELY on how you are going to make her happy. Your wife's happiness is the only thing you should be concerned with, in bed and out. For you, as the man, it's all about her happines. Making her the center of the universe. I'm pretty sure that most women that have cheated would tell you had their husbands really understood them they wouldn't have cheated. Of course there some people that would cheat no matter how well their spouse treated them, but most cheating happens when a spouse feels ignored, bored and taken for granted in the relationship. The worst thing men and women do once they are married is stop courting each other.

 

I'm not saying put your wife on a pedistal. Don't do that. But do try to maker her happiness your main concern without losing your soul or becoming her slave. If she likes dancing take her dancing. If she likes romantic dinnners take her out. And most women do like a man to take the lead. Be confident that she's yours.

 

And know that no matter how good you are in bed or otherwise, that your wife might leave you for someone else. But you up the odds of that happening if you don't make her happiness your main concern. Just as she ups the odds of you leaving her if she's not conerned about your happiness. If you both work to keep each other happy then you'll be married a long, long time. If you start thinking she has done enough for you because you've done a whole lot for her... well... if you keep score like that you'll probably not last so long. Give her twice as much love as you think you're getting from her and you'll be about equal.