The honeymonn is over

[whichwayisup]

Earlier last night my wife and I had a fight over kids. I told her that divorce can be very hard on children and I don't know if I want to have children with her because if she decides to walk out on me I won 't get to see my children grow up.

 

Why also woud you think that if you two DID have children and if you DID get divorced, that she would NOT let you see the kids? See Woggle, what is she is really hurt by is, you see the worst case senario...You have projected what you read on here, and what your past has done to you ONTO HER. How the F do you know that she would never let you see the kids again?

 

You're painting her into be a the evil bitch from hell, and ya know what? You don't know your own wife. That is another thing I guarantee she feels... You don't know her, you don't love her , you don't respect her , and most of all, you don't trust her. Or the marriage.

 

I suggest you two get to marriage counselling and you get back into your one on one therapy too.

 

Don't have kids right now until you've put the past behind you and can live in the present and actually see a future with your wife.

 

Take responsibility for your part in this, go buy your wife some flowers and kiss her, tell her you're sorry.

[My Fair Katie]

I just have a hard time believing that I somehow married the only woman in the world who doesn't think it is ok to cheat on her husband and treat him like crap then blame him for it all. I makes me wonder what the catch is.

 

Hey, I haven't cheated and I married a turd burger with cheese. Just sayin'.

[a4a]

Hey, I haven't cheated and I married a turd burger with cheese. Just sayin'.

 

I hear ya, I married a Teenage Tater Tot and I have no desire to cheat or take any of his tater tot property if and when I bail..... unless he cheats of course- then he gets a cardboard box and one pair of tube socks out of the deal.

 

Maybe we should open a diner Katie?

[My Fair Katie]

Maybe we should open a diner Katie?

 

Only if I can be rude to the customers.

 

Seriously though Woggle, are you going to apologize or drag it out and agonize?

 

It's not an issue of pride really. You hurt your wife, regardless of your feelings behind it and your insecurity about fidelty, you hurt her. How many hoops will you make her jump through until you're satisfied that she loves you?

[JackJack]

People who have the mind set that a person WILL cheat or hurt them no matter what, just shouldn't even be married or in a relationship for that matter. It is not fair to the other person who spends his/her time trying to constantly reassure you that, they wont, because to YOU they will reguardless of what they say.

 

I'm not saying you are not worthy of love and thats why you shouldn't have gotten married etc, quite the opposite really. You are worthy of love and a decent relationship, and one who doesn't treat you bad or cheat. We are all worthy of that really. It may or may not happen, to any of us, but you can't live your life thinking "What if she does." Its not healthy.

[a4a]

Wog you have a prenup, she signed it.

 

I think you need MC and you need IC.

 

You are being terribly unfair to her and indeed setting up this M for failure..... YOUR DOING - NOT HER DOING.

[lindya]

I just have a hard time believing that I somehow married the only woman in the world who doesn't think it is ok to cheat on her husband and treat him like crap then blame him for it all.

 

Well, if you're starting to let go of the belief that only one woman on the entire planet is capable of fidelity and fairness then that's some kind of progress.

 

You've mentioned before that your wife tends to share your negative views about the female gender. Perhaps you both have some work to do, to avoid getting too far into a state of over-dependency on eachother and hostility against the rest of the world. That kind of "us against the world" that can feel comforting and soul-matey on a short term basis - but long term it sometimes exacerbate insecurities and the sort of conflicts you're having just now.

[bab]

No sugarcoating: You are being emotionally abusive to your wife. Period. You are telling her that in your eyes she is a lying, cheating, worthless human being.

 

I think WWIU made some excellent points, reread her post:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1151426&postcount=22

[2sunny]

There are women (and men) out there who would NEVER cheat.

 

I am one of them. I think it is based on my values and the way I was raised.

 

You need to quit being so destructive to your marriage and think of ways to make it more secure and happy. It is no longer all about YOU! You need to consider HER feelings now - you are married remember?

 

Now go apologize and kiss and make up!

[Trialbyfire]

Yup, non-cheater here too. Never have, never will, although I will leave a marriage or relationship if the other person is morally bankrupt. You can idealize all you want but people are not perfect and there's no guarantees in life, especially if one party is unwilling to risk being hurt at all.

 

You have to fully invest, not co-depend.

[luvtoto]

When I read forums such as this and other ones and look at other situations I know it gets me very paranoid about my marriage. It really does because so many of these men never kn ew what hit them and it makes me wonder about my wife. I just have a hard time believing that I somehow married the only woman in the world who doesn't think it is ok to cheat on her husband and treat him like crap then blame him for it all. I makes me wonder what the catch is.

Yes, Woggle, there are women out there that DO NOT cheat.

 

I am one of them. I am on this earth because my mom had an affair while married to my dad. Her affair almost ruined my life. How ironic is that??

 

What you told your wife in your first post...would have rocked me to my core and crushed me. I mean, you really meant it. It wasn't said in haste or in the heat of the argument. More of a matter of fact comment.

 

If any man accused me, for no reason, of being a cheater, I would have his balls on a platter.

 

A deal breaker.

 

YOU have a hell of a woman, woggle. Hopefully, she will forgive you.

[Totoro]

Woggle, I'm not as up-to-date on your situation as some of the others, but it sounds like you have a really *irrational* fear.

 

You really remind me of myself. I get very bitter, paranoid and angry about stuff that is highly unlikely to happen. I get absolutely *convinced* that certain bad things are going to happen no matter how much people try to reassure me. I can sympathize with you...it is SO hard to get these thoughts out of your head. They never completely go away.

 

In fact, last year I had a mini-breakdown about the exact same thing (except I'm female!). I was talking about adultery with a group of people (mostly from East Asian countries...I work with immigrants) and some of the men were joking about how adultery is supposedly SOOOO common. I remember thinking "well, ALL men are a**holes and they ALL want to cheat. F*** men." I was so anger I couldn't shake it off for days. But eventually I realized it wasn't true and that I was being irrational and melodramatic.

 

With this kind of stuff, you really need therapy--and find a *good* therapist. I wonder if you have OCD or an anxiety disorder...your situation sounds a lot like that to me. BTW I don't think you need marriage counseling. I think the issue is *you* and whatever is going on in your head. The more you try to push away these negative thoughts, the stronger they will become. You might even want to explore medication...

 

Of course I'm no psychiatrist but that's what I think.

I'd recommend that you do research on OCD and anxiety disorders...

 

good luck!

[whichwayisup]

Woggle, I hope you don't feel ganged up upon - We all care and that's why we're trying to open your eyes, so you will see what you have infront of you. Remember the positive stuff you've said about your wife so much in other threads.

She is a special woman, one of a kind! Keep that in mind, k.

 

So, did ya give her the flowers yet???

[amaysngrace]

you can't live your life thinking "What if she does." Its not healthy.

 

I do this too Woggle, I have to admit. But I'm working on it. I think it comes from trust issues or something. But I know it's completely irrational and to be honest, somewhat neurotic of me if not just plain retarded. So when I'm doing it, thinking this way, I stop and tell myself to stop. That I'm worrying for nothing.

 

It happened to me just yesterday. I think it comes from feeling so close to someone. It makes us feel uncomfortable. So we try to push them away. We look for reasons for them not to like us. But they do Woggle. They more than like us, they love us. It's just our minds have a hard time believing that.

 

Also it is easier to lay the blame on them and make it seem like they're doing something wrong rather than see the fault with ourselves but it really is up to us to change our thoughts of it all. I'm not saying it's easy at all. It's definitely work. But it's our work, not theirs.

 

It's definitely worth it, don't you think?

[Woggle]

We had a good talk tonight and hopefully we have gotten past our first big fight as a married couple. I apologized for my paranoia and for calling off the wedding. I figured we would get it all out in the open. I explained to her that if most of her friends were getting beaten by their husbands she might become mistrusting of me and that situations that have nothing to do with us are making me insecure. That being said what I did was wrong and I need to break down this wall and learn to trust her. She obviously loves me because there is really no other reason she would have to marry a man younger than her. She makes her own money and seemed quite happy before she met me so she must feel that I add something to her life.

[amaysngrace]

Woggle she does love you. She wouldn't have married you otherwise. Honestly I think you just feel so close to her it scares you sometimes. It's a fear of intimacy. Which is normal considering what you've been through. I'm the same exact way. I get freaked by it sometimes too.

 

But things come up when they do because it's time to face them. So face this now and get past it. You're a very strong guy. You have what it takes to conquer anything.

 

XO

[JustSomeGirl]

I feel the same way in my relationship (fear of abandonment, mistrust) and I also have the same feelings of "If everyone elses marriage are going like on this board... then I'm stupid to think mine will be fine.". I had issues growing up which lead to these insecurities. I am in Cognative Behavioral Therapy now because of it.

 

If I explained my situations and story here, you would definately say that I'm a terrible woman for putting my husband through what I am, yet you turn around and do the same thing to your wife.

 

Maybe rather then working on trusting her (or yourself?), you should try to be less judgemental and more understanding towards others. This will show you that the world isn't bad, that there is a reason behind everything. Even the abuser can be the victim, Like yourself.

[JackJack]

We had a good talk tonight and hopefully we have gotten past our first big fight as a married couple. I apologized for my paranoia and for calling off the wedding. I figured we would get it all out in the open. I explained to her that if most of her friends were getting beaten by their husbands she might become mistrusting of me and that situations that have nothing to do with us are making me insecure. That being said what I did was wrong and I need to break down this wall and learn to trust her. She obviously loves me because there is really no other reason she would have to marry a man younger than her. She makes her own money and seemed quite happy before she met me so she must feel that I add something to her life.

 

 

Good job Woggle. Hang in there.

[luvtoto]

I explained to her that if most of her friends were getting beaten by their husbands she might become mistrusting of me and that situations that have nothing to do with us are making me insecure.

It wouldn't make me mistrust my husband if I witnessed my friends being beaten by their husbands.

 

It would make me appreciate my husband for treating me good.

 

Sorry, if I came down on you hard in my earlier post. I just for a second put myself in your wife's shoes. It would hurt to be accused of something that I didn't do, or had nothing to do with me.

[thelittlespoon]

Earlier last night my wife and I had a fight over kids. I told her that divorce can be very hard on children and I don't know if I want to have children with her because if she decides to walk out on me I won 't get to see my children grow up. She got mad and asked me if I trusted her and I told her that I don't know. That is when she blew it and told that I have no clue what marriage is about and that I need to stop punishing her for what other women have done. Right now we are not even speaking to each other and both of us are too proud to apologize to each other.

 

Um... shouldn't you guys have resolved this before exchanging vows?

[Salicious Crumb]

Earlier last night my wife and I had a fight over kids. I told her that divorce can be very hard on children and I don't know if I want to have children with her because if she decides to walk out on me I won 't get to see my children grow up. She got mad and asked me if I trusted her and I told her that I don't know. That is when she blew it and told that I have no clue what marriage is about and that I need to stop punishing her for what other women have done.

 

Wow...my wife, then my girlfriend, told me long ago that she isn't other girls and she is different than a few that have done me wrong. So what do I do?...let my guard down...decide to trust her and never had any problems after that....boy was I a fool.

 

That old, "I'm not like the others" line is a load of shi!t. Don't you believe it.

[Art_Critic]

boy was I a fool.

 

Nah you were no fool SC.. you were doing the same thing we all do.. Falling for someone..

Part of loving someone is becoming vulnerable to them enough to let them in..

 

She hurt you.. she was the fool.. not you.. it was her loss...

[Mary3]

I think Woggle is far too damaged in the core of his soul to tell us " Yup, you guys are right and I will trust her now "

 

This is a serious cancer that is eating away at him.

 

Maybe intense therapy could help but I ask : "Why if you are so blissfully happily married , then why are you sitting on these boards and still bashing women ? " Shouldn't you be holding your wife right now and be grateful for all that you HAVE that many others have not found ?

 

You should have taken the bright gold medallion ( wife ) , kissed the coin , polished it and be greatful you were lucky enough to find such a precious soul.

 

Instead you drag your insecurities into your marraige and its eating away and destroying the very one thing you thought never possible.

 

Get into therapy and step up to more treatments.

 

You know the outcome here if you don't get help.

[serial muse]

I agree that Woggle's insecurities have the potential to seriously damage his marriage. He has posted on here more than once about things that set him off that had nothing to do with his wife but that he brought home to her and made her deal with. That's the sort of thing that, over time, a person would get weary of.

 

What really troubles me is that, although he is in fact in therapy, I think Woggle has developed a destructive sense of entitlement. He trusts no women except those who have somehow "proved" themselves to him - as though that were something they should in any way have to do. And even then, he only trusts them "today" - even his own wife.

 

He knows he's a mysogynist, but feels that is reasonable - in fact, as I say, he seems to feel entitled to believe that women all suck unless he is actively proven wrong on an individual and constant basis. No one should have to jump through such hoops and always be on tenterhooks - that's no way to live a happy life. And I certainly don't think he himself would do so much work for his SO. It is a destructive way to think about people that he chooses to see as self-protective. I would hope that his therapist would help him to work through that, but so far he is resistant to the idea that it is self-destructive in any way.

 

It may be that he will destroy his own relationship before he begins to understand himself better. But I hope not. I hope he wakes up and understands that it is far better to recognize and isolate the few proven poisonous people in your life - such as Woggle's truly awful mother and ex-wife - rather than expecting everyone else with breasts to prove, 24-7, day in and day out, that they aren't poisonous.

 

But he prefers to pre-emptively view 50% of the population as evil, because he's still a scared little boy that desperately doesn't want to trust and then get hurt by a mother-figure again. It's sad and rather pathological, and he's mostly just hurting himself, but that's his choice.

[Citizen Erased]

She must be one patient patient woman you have there Woggle. I would have eaten your balls as an appetizer if it was me