I Screwed up, but how much is too much?

[Spankie]

oppps I thought you were talking to me.

[Spankie]

was that for me?

[Spankie]

Screw you. Way to take the comment out of context, a**hole. I am very giving and loving in a relationship. However, babysitting for his kid while he's out having fun without me (or his son for that matter) three times a week is above and beyond the call of duty. Sorry, I just don't see this guy as a devoted boyfriend OR father.

This was totally directed at Salicious Crumb, by the way. I was agreeing with you on the swinging, if you could read, so why tf are you going out of your way to dig up a comment I made, cut it so it's out of context, and slam me?

 

I disagree that by dating the father she has a responsibility to the child. He has two parents.

 

The fact that she, in fact, has been there through this very difficult time and has made effort where the child is concerned is getting overlooked. She has cooked for them and other things. She is not abusive to this child.

 

She came here about a problem because she cheated with her guitar player.

 

Swingers have "rules" for their relationship as well so that the swinging is kept separate from feelings and intimacy. She broke that when she went at it with her guitar player who was very much in her life and involved in a very big part of her life.

 

So she stopped the band. She has said she'll go back to it but with a new band.

 

All she really wanted to know is how long should she have to be an open book because of her dishonesty.

 

That is something the couple works through. It is up to her if she wants to continue the relationship after she feels it has "been long enough".

 

As any person who has been through any sort of this type of betrayal and still has overcome it -- it takes as long as it takes.

 

The wound is quick to open - long and hard to heal. Very long and very hard.

 

If you love the person you betrayed and want to stay in the relationship you hope for the chance to do so.

 

If the wronged person is willing as well that is AS MUCH as you can hope for.

 

Then you do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to mend the trust and rebuild the relationship.

 

Spankie - he has allowed you two to continue together and work toward mending this betrayal.

 

It will be this way until it isn't. No one knows how long that is. You are asking him to trust you again when you hurt him in one of the worst ways possible.

 

Just take it day by day - as long as you are being honest there is nothing to hide and eventually he won't need the reassurances so much.

 

Then one day he won't need them at all.

 

Good luck to you. This is one of the craziest threads I have ever seen. The bashing has just been so overwhelming. I hope you didn't get the wrong impression of LS. But I fear you did.

 

 

I appreciate that reply..

_Spankie

[bridget_jones]

Sorry, Spankie, I admit I was harsh on you too, about the swinging and said some things out of line for not knowing the whole situation. I hope everything works out with your boyfriend, you seem to really love him.

[Spankie]

Sorry, Spankie, I admit I was harsh on you too, about the swinging and said some things out of line for not knowing the whole situation. I hope everything works out with your boyfriend, you seem to really love him.

 

 

Its totally okay. I understand the way many feel about the lifestyle, I don't know why I mentioned it.. I was just going on and on.. it really has nothing to do with the situation that happened with the guitarist. He didn't even know I was into that.

 

It is hard to get all the info across on a forum like this. I don't usually get on these things but I guess I was feeling frustrated that evening. I am feeling quite better about everything and have had many long talks with my BF about it.. things are going very well.

Thanks

_Spankie

[Island Girl]

It is hard to get all the info across on a forum like this. I don't usually get on these things but I guess I was feeling frustrated that evening. I am feeling quite better about everything and have had many long talks with my BF about it.. things are going very well.

 

Great!

 

Glad to hear it Spankie.

 

It is difficult sometimes in this world to find someone that loves us that we love back. Differences are hard to overcome -- and the lifestyle you are into can be a huge barrier as not a whole lot of people share the same views. (Just read the posts here! lol)

 

So the fact that you and your boyfriend are still together and working through the problem is fantastic for you both.

 

It takes a lot of time and complete openness to heal from a strong betrayal but it can be done with consistent effort -- but it takes as long as it takes girlfriend. There's no time limit.

 

I'm glad you stopped back by.

[Salicious Crumb]

I was agreeing with you on the swinging, if you could read, so why tf are you going out of your way to dig up a comment I made, cut it so it's out of context, and slam me?

 

Because you seem like a man hater.

[Salicious Crumb]

I don't think she should get kicked off. People were being very judgy and wouldn't let up. I think she is trying hard to make up for her one mistake and she really cares about her bf

 

Aside from the fact that they both made their bed and can lay in it because they are swingers.....is that how you show you care about your SO?...by screwing someone else?

 

Amazing.

[Salicious Crumb]

Well, if you don't like dealing with kids, don't date someone who has one.

 

EXACTLY!!!

 

As for screwing this other guy - if you are swingers, what's the problem?

 

The problem is swinging itself. The bigger problem is swingers with jealousy and guilt.

 

But Spankie said she broke the "rules".....in swinging?...uh.....ok:confused:

 

I agree with the others - you are reaping what you have sown. Learn from the experience and try not to repeat it.

 

Its hard to have sympathy for a situation like this when they are swingers.

[Vera_Louise]

Why don't you just stop posting on the thread, then, if it makes you so upset, salicious crumb? You're not even focusing on what the original poster asked. You're just judging and attacking. She said she was communicating and trying to work things out with her boyfriend.

Sorry you were cheated on, Salicious, but time to let go of your anger.

[Salicious Crumb]

Why don't you just stop posting on the thread, then, if it makes you so upset, salicious crumb? You're not even focusing on what the original poster asked. You're just judging and attacking. She said she was communicating and trying to work things out with her boyfriend.

 

She is complaining to the high heavens about the package deal with him and his kid.

 

She said her cheating isn't the issue with him not trusting her....uh...ok...then why else doesn't he trust her?

 

But its a pretty futile attempt...they are both swingers...its ridiculous for either of them to complain about jealousy, cheating, trust, or guilt since they both like to have sex with other people outside of their relationship...if you can call it that.

[Island Girl]

She is complaining to the high heavens about the package deal with him and his kid.

 

No she didn't.

 

If I am wrong about that, which post number is it? I'll go back and read it.

 

She said her cheating isn't the issue with him not trusting her....uh...ok...then why else doesn't he trust her?

 

No she didn't.

 

She said she was caught with her guitar player and although they had stayed together after she was questioning how long she'd have to feel like she has to reassure her boyfriend that she would never do it again.

 

But its a pretty futile attempt...they are both swingers...its ridiculous for either of them to complain about jealousy, cheating, trust, or guilt since they both like to have sex with other people outside of their relationship...if you can call it that.

 

Swingers have rules in their relationship too.

 

If you can't understand their perimeters or address the issue that way, well, then you just shouldn't post to it.

 

You were cheated on in a traditional relationship. It is a hot button issue for you and I completely understand that. But in this situation there are two consenting adults that have a non traditional relationship where there are different rules.

 

Those rules were violated and now she is working to make reparations with her boyfriend.

 

You see cheating as having sex outside of a committed relationship. I do too.

 

But when both people involved in the relationship are open about sex with other people there are other perimeters that are set up for preservation of the intimacy and closeness between the two people that are committed to each other.

 

You don't have to accept this type of relationship - it is not for everyone - I certainly wouldn't do it - but it makes no sense for you to come here and rant about what doesn't apply in this situation.

[Salicious Crumb]

No she didn't.

 

If I am wrong about that, which post number is it? I'll go back and read it.

 

She said it a few times...but post #6 in this thread will suffice.

 

She said she was caught with her guitar player and although they had stayed together after she was questioning how long she'd have to feel like she has to reassure her boyfriend that she would never do it again.

 

This you are correct on. But since they are swingers...they will continue to f#ck other people besides each other....so what difference does it really make? She WILL do it again...just as he will do it to her...thats what swingers do....they f#ck other people besides their so-called significant other.

 

Sorry to be so blunt about it, but damn...thats how it is.

 

 

 

Swingers have rules in their relationship too.

 

Like what? Is there a list posted on their refrigerator of "People I approve for you to f#ck"??

 

Those rules were violated and now she is working to make reparations with her boyfriend.

 

I keep hearing about these swingers "rules", but nobody ever says what they are.

 

You see cheating as having sex outside of a committed relationship. I do too.

 

But when both people involved in the relationship are open about sex with other people there are other perimeters that are set up for preservation of the intimacy and closeness between the two people that are committed to each other.

 

Then its not a committed relationship and neither of them have a right to complain when they bone other people.

 

You don't have to accept this type of relationship - it is not for everyone - I certainly wouldn't do it - but it makes no sense for you to come here and rant about what doesn't apply in this situation.

 

You are right...I don't have to accept it and won't.

 

But I also don't expect swingers to come on here, bitch and moan about their relationship troubles when their lifestyle is prime breeding grounds for the type of troubles they are complaining about.

 

They are open and want to be able to f#ck other people....then ok...don't get all pissed off when your "significant other" does just that.

[Vera_Louise]

Salicious, she also stated that she babysits the boy several times a week while her bf goes out and has fun on the town, cooks for them often, and has done a lot of research to help him with his ADD issue. She puts in a lot of concern and time for her bf's child trying to make it more tolerable.

[Island Girl]

I keep hearing about these swingers "rules", but nobody ever says what they are.

 

Yes I did.

 

I'll explain again.

 

Swingers "swing" with other people who understand the sex is just that and only that. There is no crossing lines of ANY kind of intimacy. No friends or people known outside of the "lifestyle" because of those reasons.

 

She slept with her bass player -- obviously someone known in her "real" life whom she had an outside relationship with.

 

Usually "swingers" get together for parties, etc. where it is known that the other people there are only looking for sex -- so there are designated times where the lifestyle is expressed. Both partners are present when the "swinging" is going on so everybody knows what is going on.

 

She had sex with the bass player and was caught - so there wasn't any perception on the boyfriend's part that this was going to happen and it happened with an inappropriate person as well.

 

Hopefully that clears it up for you.

[Island Girl]

But I also don't expect swingers to come on here, bitch and moan about their relationship troubles when their lifestyle is prime breeding grounds for the type of troubles they are complaining about.

 

Anyone can come here and complain or ask for advice from the forum.

 

ANYONE.

 

You may not agree with the person's lifestyle, or not understand, or not be able to help with advice. But that doesn't mean you should bash them.

 

You seem to use some posts to rant based on your own lifestyle or experiences even when it doesn't apply - like here on this thread.

 

Why post on this thread if you do not have anything to contribute?

[Salicious Crumb]

Salicious, she also stated that she babysits the boy several times a week while her bf goes out and has fun on the town

 

She said so he could "pursue outside interests"....now what does that mean? Could it be a gun show?...playing poker in a buddies garage?

She has been about as vague as one can be when saying these things.

 

Besides...she doesn't have to do it...she can find another BF.

 

cooks for them often, and has done a lot of research to help him with his ADD issue. She puts in a lot of concern and time for her bf's child trying to make it more tolerable.

 

And then complains about it because it isn't her child. So either she is trying to help with this child..or she wants to complain about this child...which is it?

[Salicious Crumb]

Yes I did.

 

I'll explain again.

 

Swingers "swing" with other people who understand the sex is just that and only that. There is no crossing lines of ANY kind of intimacy. No friends or people known outside of the "lifestyle" because of those reasons.

 

She slept with her bass player -- obviously someone known in her "real" life whom she had an outside relationship with.

 

LOL....sex with someone unknown to them is ok, but with someone they know is crossing the line?....uh....ok.

 

Sorry...it doesn't fly. If a couple are swingers and get off on f#cking other people while still in a relationship...then they have no right to complain when they do just that....with people they know or not.

 

They want their cake and eat it too....sorry. They make their bed, they can lay in it.

[whichwayisup]

I will try to keep it brief. After two failed marraiges and a couple of kids. I met my perfect match. six mos in his really horrifying kid moves in with him.. Our perfect thing.. going out, playing.. some swinging, lots of open communication, best friends... is interuppted by this ADHD infested nightmare of a 10 year old. He is only here for a year.. thank god.

 

I haven't read the thread, just your opening post.

 

This CHILD is HIS SON. And ALWAYS going to be a part of his life. It's unfortunate he has ADHD, so instead of hating the poor guy, learn to like him and get to know him. He has special needs!!!

 

So, put your swinging and sex lifestyle on the backburner for a while and think of HIS child. It won't kill you to take a break from that lifestyle and do some family bonding.

 

Nobody will babysit him.. can't leave him alone..(can you say "fire department?) So the lifestyle sort of takes on a different flavor.

I have every other week with no kids because of dual custody.. so we were livin large and lovin it. I am in a band and during this period of ickiness got waaaaaaaay to friendly with my new lead guitarist.. and got caught by my partner..

 

This "ickiness" is a CHILD! Don't forget that! And when you get involved with someone who has KIDS, expect them to mess up your plans once in a while. It's not like he is going to sell his kids on Ebay so YOU can still enjoy your lifestyle.

 

Learn from this experience and note that your partner probably NEEDED you on another level, other than just sex and he's pissed off cuz you let him down. You ran from "life" and into the arms of someone else.

 

Long story short.. after much pain, embarrassment, dispair, we have reconciled.. I have dropped music all together, and given him FULL access to all of my passwords, for email, Myspace, EVERYTHING!

I KNOW that I love him, I KNOW I went insane for a couple weeks, I KNOW that it will never.. ever EVER happen again.. of course he is paranoid..

But this is starting to suck. Do I have the right to feel that way? Or am I forever at the mercy of my past mistake?

 

You be an open book and let him check up on your for as long as he needs to. If you are truely sorry for what you did, show him not only in words, but in ACTIONS that you love him, that you deserve his trust again. Go to counselling if need be.

 

And, take a break from swinging. I don't understand it, sex isn't just sex...eventually feelings get involved and humans are NOT robots.

 

Another thing, OWN up to your mistake, UNDERSTAND why he's hurt by you. Do you understand your choices and how it affected him? This isn't just saying I'm sorry and life goes on....

 

Yes, it sucks, but if you love this guy, DO all that you can to make him happy and prove to him that you are trustworthy. IF you can't live up to that, end it now and let him be with someone else who will love him.

[Salicious Crumb]

You be an open book and let him check up on your for as long as he needs to. If you are truely sorry for what you did, show him not only in words, but in ACTIONS that you love him, that you deserve his trust again. Go to counselling if need be.

 

Lets not forget....SHE opened the book for him of her own free will. He did NOT ask her to do so. It was all her idea.

 

Yes, it sucks, but if you love this guy, DO all that you can to make him happy and prove to him that you are trustworthy.

 

What is trustworthy about swingers? Swingers like to f#ck other people besides their so-called partner....so what is there to trust?

 

Like I said before...I can just see a list posted on their refrigerator of "people you can f#ck....and people you can't f#ck"......I mean come on ....get real.

[Spankie]

 

Lets not forget....SHE opened the book for him of her own free will. He did NOT ask her to do so. It was all her idea.

 

 

 

What is trustworthy about swingers? Swingers like to f#ck other people besides their so-called partner....so what is there to trust?

 

Like I said before...I can just see a list posted on their refrigerator of "people you can f#ck....and people you can't f#ck"......I mean come on ....get real.

 

Since we are not talking about the same subject anymore.. lets just talk about swinging.. Rules.. okay its not football and the only people that make the rules are the players themselves.. "our rules" we play together.. make sure we are both comfortable with who we are playing with... if at any time either one of us has a problem.. or is uncomfortable.. we have a code word.. in which EVERYTHING STOPS right then.. and right there.

we gently find an exit to go discuss why there is a problem.

In our case.. to be honest .. neither one of us has ever.. in our two year relationship ever actually had intercourse with another person during a swinging experience. We have both participated in oral sex and voyerism but never actually had a full swap. When we are ready, we may.. just depends.. we are both very sexual open people.. we both enjoy the fantasy and possible reality of watching the other person being pleasured by another beautiful person.

Generally the "rules" say that if you go off with someone else without talking to your partner or letting them know what is going on.. that is no longer a sexual encounter.. it is a secret, and why would there be a secret with open people? Usually because the interest is no longer sexual .. but emotional.. on some level.

And YES sex can be sex.. maybe not for you .. but for MANY people.. even women.

The guitarist was something that I couldn't bring myself to share at the time because of an emotional connection. Had nothing to do with love.. but admiration for his talent.. talent that I don't have.. for acceptance as a musician when his knowledge and talent far exceeded mine. For the fact that I am a mother of a grown young man and I was flattered that this very very young and attractive man that was close to my son's age thought I was freakin hot.. ( I am sure that comment will sprout some outragous threads) I couldn't share that with my partner at the time.. because I was embarrassed by it.. I HAVE since shared these feelings with him .. a bit to late.. but better than not at all.

So all and all the affair itself was not about swinging.. but about an old rocker chick that felt insecure enough after her firstborn leaves the nest to latch on to a fantasy of being a 20 something vocalist with it all going on.. instead of a mother of two pushing 40 (that could lose 10lbs or so) that is trying to get a lil bite of what she gave up many years ago.

Leave the swinging out of it.. it does not apply.. and I wished I never mentioned it.

_SPankie

[Island Girl]

Leave the swinging out of it.. it does not apply.. and I wished I never mentioned it.

_SPankie

 

Yeah -- I know Spankie.

 

It was a blurb in your post that was all about how to get past a betrayal not about swinging.

 

Sex with anyone outside of a relationship is a "hot button" for SC and others.

 

This thread and what you were asking about went all over the place! lol

 

At times I can understand if you were reading with your jaw wide open in awe of the drama that was created.

[Salicious Crumb]

 

Since we are not talking about the same subject anymore.. lets just talk about swinging.. Rules.. okay its not football and the only people that make the rules are the players themselves.. "our rules" we play together.. make sure we are both comfortable with who we are playing with... if at any time either one of us has a problem.. or is uncomfortable.. we have a code word.. in which EVERYTHING STOPS right then.. and right there.

we gently find an exit to go discuss why there is a problem.

In our case.. to be honest .. neither one of us has ever.. in our two year relationship ever actually had intercourse with another person during a swinging experience. We have both participated in oral sex and voyerism but never actually had a full swap. When we are ready, we may.. just depends.. we are both very sexual open people.. we both enjoy the fantasy and possible reality of watching the other person being pleasured by another beautiful person.

Generally the "rules" say that if you go off with someone else without talking to your partner or letting them know what is going on.. that is no longer a sexual encounter.. it is a secret, and why would there be a secret with open people? Usually because the interest is no longer sexual .. but emotional.. on some level.

And YES sex can be sex.. maybe not for you .. but for MANY people.. even women.

The guitarist was something that I couldn't bring myself to share at the time because of an emotional connection. Had nothing to do with love.. but admiration for his talent.. talent that I don't have.. for acceptance as a musician when his knowledge and talent far exceeded mine. For the fact that I am a mother of a grown young man and I was flattered that this very very young and attractive man that was close to my son's age thought I was freakin hot.. ( I am sure that comment will sprout some outragous threads) I couldn't share that with my partner at the time.. because I was embarrassed by it.. I HAVE since shared these feelings with him .. a bit to late.. but better than not at all.

So all and all the affair itself was not about swinging.. but about an old rocker chick that felt insecure enough after her firstborn leaves the nest to latch on to a fantasy of being a 20 something vocalist with it all going on.. instead of a mother of two pushing 40 (that could lose 10lbs or so) that is trying to get a lil bite of what she gave up many years ago.

Leave the swinging out of it.. it does not apply.. and I wished I never mentioned it.

_SPankie

 

Thanks for that clarification. That makes it all better now:lmao:

[Spankie]

glad you are clear... Salicious!