I Screwed up, but how much is too much?

[bridget_jones]

Are you guys forgetting that this guy had nothing to do with his kid before his mom couldn't handle the kid anymore and gave him back to the dad? Why are we all feeling SO sorry for this guy? Of COURSE this kid is acting up a lot, he was dumped on his dad who he hardly knows, because Dad didn't bother to cultivate a relationship with him. Your bf is a jackass, original poster. He has no place to say anything about you "getting too close to a bandmate" when he didn't even try to have a relationship with his son.

[Island Girl]

He has no place to say anything about you "getting too close to a bandmate" when he didn't even try to have a relationship with his son.

 

I completely disagree.

 

One has to do with a romantic relationship.

 

The other has to do with a parental relationship.

 

The romantic relationship is dealing with the infidelity of one of the partners.

 

The parental relationship or lack thereof, whichever the case may be, remains to be seen. I don't believe the OP said he had no relationship to begin with just that the child was not there full time.

[bridget_jones]

No, she DID state he didn't have anything to do with the kid beforehand.

 

Also there has to be a point where she has paid her dues and shouldn't have to give up her life because of her bf's insecurities. Plus they were swinging before, and we don't even know to the extent of the "cheating" with her bandmate. They agreed to reconcile, that doesn't mean she owes him access to her email, myspace, and to have to quit the band for him, that's ridiculous. Let's stop crucifying this poor woman for one mistake.

[bridget_jones]

When I met this man he was not involved with this child and everything was great. THEN BAM.. the Mom was completely fed up and sent him to his Dad as a last resort.. "

 

Ok how would you interpret this statement of the OP, then? Yeah, really great guy, he was a really involved with his kid. This guy has NO place to give this woman crap anymore, she has paid her dues to him. She needs to get her dignity back.

Just because someone "cheats" or makes one mistake, doesn't mean your life is at the mercy of the "betrayed" partner and you have to live according to their terms to make up for it. We are all human and we all make mistakes. He wanted to reconcile so he needs to get over his issues. The OP being forced to be miserable is not "dealing" with the "infidelity" issues. I put that in quotes because we don't even know the extent to which she "cheated."

[Island Girl]

Personally I think your BF is WHACK for making you give up all your privacy. I mean MAKING you give him full access to your myspace, email, etc. for ONE mistake How long is he going to make you pay? He's never going to let you forget it. Get your dignity back and he shouldn't have full access to everything. He just wants to rub in one mistake and not let it go. What an ASS IMO. If he wanted to break it off at that point he could have, but you decided to work it out, so that means he needs to get over it. I would change my passwords NOW. He can't treat you like that, get your DIGNITY back. Making you give up your passion of MUSIC for heaven's sake? He's trying to make you pay to the point where you are only a shell of your original self.

Also I know everyone on here is crucifying you for the "cheating" but all you said is you got "too close" to a band member. That doesn't mean you should have to give up every aspect of your life for this guy. Join the band again. If he can't trust you and handle it, his problem. You shouldn't have to keep paying and paying and paying for one mistake.

 

This is the attitude to have if you don't care about working it out as much as she does.

 

If a partner cheats - if you are married or not - there is no set time that it takes to earn back what was destroyed by that person's actions.

 

It takes a long time to work past that level of betrayal.

 

If the partner is truly sorry and is committed then they make the deal that they will show the other person that the second chance is well deserved by proving their fidelity and integrity any way they can.

 

That is the only way the relationship can be rebuilt.

 

If it is dealt with in the manner you suggest there is not much hope of ever gaining trust back and the relationship is doomed because of natural insecurities.

 

Getting past an affair is extremely difficult. But I have known at least one couple who made it through and is better now because of it.

 

Weird but true. And the only way it worked out is he was an open book no matter what was asked for the longest time and still would be if there was a question posed.

 

My situation is the second instance of this working out in a positive way.

 

My husband didn't cheat on me but did lie to me about something that was significant. When I found out we went through a break up and then dating again - while he slowly tried to show me he could be trusted.

 

He made the mistake and blew it.

 

He considered himself lucky (as well he should - he earned it by his persistence over time and of course the fact that I really loved him by then) that he even got a second chance and understood that his actions and words were going to be examined not just accepted as they had been in the past.

 

He also knew that would be an indefinite period of time. There was no way I could tell him how long it would be before I could really trust him as I had before. But he was in it for the long haul. Our relationship meant that much to him.

 

In time we have gotten past it and even developed our relationship into a happy and successful marriage.

[bridget_jones]

Eh, she shouldn't have to give up music to make this guy happy. Again, she shouldn't have to give up her dignity for this guy because of his own issues. How long is she supposed to give up her passion for music?

This dude's made his own mistakes, he needs to let this one incident of "cheating" go. She shouldn't have to be continuing to "pay" this long for one "mistake. Her bf is just using this as a way to control her life, what an a**. That is so juvenile having these "You have to do this, you have to do that, etc. etc. etc. and you are going to live a miserable life until I decide you have paid your dues." I mean how long is he supposed to have full access to her email, etc. Again, he is just wacko. Plus making her drop the band? He doesn't really care about her if he is just going to strip her of everything to make her life miserable. He's the one who needs counseling to get over his issues.

[Island Girl]

Eh, she shouldn't have to give up music to make this guy happy. Again, she shouldn't have to give up her dignity for this guy because of his own issues. How long is she supposed to give up her passion for music?

This dude's made his own mistakes, he needs to let this one incident of "cheating" go. She shouldn't have to be continuing to "pay" this long for one "mistake. Her bf is just using this as a way to control her life, what an a**. That is so juvenile having these "You have to do this, you have to do that, etc. etc. etc. and you are going to live a miserable life until I decide you have paid your dues." I mean how long is he supposed to have full access to her email, etc. Again, he is just wacko. Plus making her drop the band? He doesn't really care about her if he is just going to strip her of everything to make her life miserable. He's the one who needs counseling to get over his issues.

 

There is no "making" anyone do anything.

 

She did it herself because she wanted to be with him more than be in a band. Her choice.

 

And because she cheated with a fellow band member of course he'd be insecure about her band.

 

Perhaps there will come a time when it won't bother him so much. Perhaps not.

 

But it is her choice whether the second chance is worth the effort it takes to repair the damage of her mistake.

 

To say there has been enough time is something that can't be said.

 

Infidelity is tough to get through but for those that do there is always a significant amount of time spent rebuilding what was given so freely initially and rightfully so in my book.

[bridget_jones]

Just as to say there has been enough time cannot be said, also to say she even "cheated" is also not for us to determine. She just said she got "too close" to the band member. Now it's time for her to get her life back and for him to get over it. Lots of times there is a reason. I know those who have been "betrayed" it's case closed, no matter what, guilty as charged no matter what the backstory. She shouldn't have to choose between her boyfriend and her passion of music, if he gave her that ultimatum he's an a**.

Just saying this guy has a lot of faults and issues himself, maybe there was a little reason she strayed.

However I know lots of those who have been "betrayed" by their SO's are going to be all about crucifying the "betrayer" no matter how crappy she is being treated. It's a case of "case closed" for the "betrayer."

[Island Girl]

Just as to say there has been enough time cannot be said, also to say she even "cheated" is also not for us to determine. She just said she got "too close" to the band member.

 

Umm no. Apparently there was more to it than just getting "too close".

 

In her words:

I am in a band and during this period of ickiness got waaaaaaaay to friendly with my new lead guitarist.. and got caught by my partner..

Long story short.. after much pain, embarrassment, dispair, we have reconciled..

 

She was caught in some circumstance which caused pain, embarrassment, and despair.

 

That seems to be a case of some sort of infidelity.

 

Now it's time for her to get her life back and for him to get over it.

 

Glad you think so. He obviously doesn't and she apparently isn't willing to walk away from him.

 

Lots of times there is a reason. I know those who have been "betrayed" it's case closed, no matter what, guilty as charged no matter what the backstory. She shouldn't have to choose between her boyfriend and her passion of music, if he gave her that ultimatum he's an a**.

 

And lots of times it was a stupid mistake for no real reason. What's the point either way?

 

If she wants this relationship, and it appears that she does, then she will do whatever it takes to make it work. She is doing that so far.

 

If she gets to the point where she no longer sees it as valuable enough to make sacrifices to repair the damage that she caused then it is over.

 

If I made this kind of mistake - and my husband entertained the idea of forgiving me and allowing me to prove it would never happen again, I'd do whatever I had to for as long as I had to because the alternative of not having him in my life would make anything in my life less worthwhile.

 

I do not anticipate ever being in this position of course.

 

Just saying this guy has a lot of faults and issues himself, maybe there was a little reason she strayed.

 

She already detailed why she strayed and she didn't even insinuate there were problems with her boyfriend.

 

However I know lots of those who have been "betrayed" by their SO's are going to be all about crucifying the "betrayer" no matter how crappy she is being treated. It's a case of "case closed" for the "betrayer."

 

Being an open book is hardly being crucified.

[bridget_jones]

People are human. They make mistakes. This doesn't make her a bad person. She shouldn't be at his mercy forever, and yes, if he can't just get over it and is always going to be rubbing it in her face by not letting her be in a band and do things she likes and always be under his constant surveillance, it IS his problem. He obviously has control issues and is using her one slipup as a way to control her life. Ick.

Plus obviously he has a lot of problems, himself. He's just taking it out on the OP for his own issues and problems (not being a good dad for one.)

I still stand by my belief that it's not always just the cheater's fault, I mean they went seeking some comfort of someone else for a reason. So...I'm not into putting blame on the cheaters all the time, sorry. I'm in the "people make mistakes" and "there's usually more behind the story when a person cheats, let's not judge and crucify the cheater automatically. Usually the cheater isn't getting what he/she needs in the relationship and seeks it out" belief. Takes two to screw up a relationship usually.

[thecount]

This thing with the cheating. It's a choice, You know what you're doing. You have control over it. She opted to hurt him. She decided to hurt the person she truly loves. hummmm. sounds kind of foolish right? WHy do something that you know is going to hurt you? Don't play with mateches, don't run with scissors. WE all know not to do these things, most of us don't do it. WHY? becuase its going to HURT LIKE HELL! that's why. Don't do it.

 

Now she's looking for the old, forgive and forget. How can anyone ever forget? You can forgive someone, but there's no way you'll forget it. So this is what she has to deal with. They both need counceling if they want to continue being together. Betrayal is a hard thing to over come. It's not impossible to fix. but it will take some work.

[harleygirl92156]

she shouldn't have to give up her dignity.

 

She gave up her dignity on her own when she cheated.

 

Let me ask you........Would you want to be in a relationship with this woman??? Be honest!

[harleygirl92156]

I still stand by my belief that it's not always just the cheater's fault, I mean they went seeking some comfort of someone else for a reason. So...I'm not into putting blame on the cheaters all the time, sorry.

 

 

You are right, it isn't always COMPLETELY the cheaters fault, BUT the cheater is the one who DECIDES to go outside the relationship rather than be MATURE and work on the issues.

I think the big problem here is the obvious SELFISHNESS this woman displayed in her posts. She is more worried about her lifestyle being interrupted by a disabled child than she is the man she states she loves. She is a loser, plain and simple and I pray she does leave him as it would be the VERY BEST thing for him and his son. This woman obviously has no soul.

[Spankie]

Wow.. I get up this morning and everything is getting misconstrued (is that how you spell that?) Anyway.. the BF didn't ask for my passwords to my emails and such.. I gave them to him, I don't regret it. I don't really mind him looking except I think it makes him more paranoid.. I am not sure.. Like the day of the Match.com password thing.. I noticed that he had read every advertisement/spam that said anything about dating sites.

I worry that I have given him fuel to be paranoid. But I realized last night that I can't take it away.. It just may have been a mistake to give him that fuel. About the child.. because I don't want to write a novel, of course there are things that are missing from the story. I babysit him so my BF can go do his outside interests.. The man can't cook at all so I come over at least 3 times a week and cook the guys a nice meal... so the boy can have something more like what his mom would fix when he was at home.. all his faves. I bring him High protien snacks because his Dad.. even tho he means well can't seem to get it through his head that he acts even more nutty eating the carbs and the sugar.. I have researched alternative meds.. (he is on medication) pushed him to take him to councelling. He wanted his hair straightend and cut the other day so I took the night off from working and went over and did it for him.

Am I glad that his mom is taking him back after the summer? Yes..

I want the relationship that I had before He suddenly came into our lives.

I don't expect to be chosen over the child, I wouldn't choose anyone over my children. I never asked him to choose and wouldn't leave if the kid had to live with us forever.. I wouldn't like it but I would make the best of it. But that is a whole nother issue.

Yes there are more probs than the ADHD and I am hoping that when he goes back home that his mother will be more receptive to therapy. She thinks that there is some conspiricy going on and they are trying to drug the kid and that there is nothing wrong with him.. sorta like the monkey.. see no evil... even tho every teacher, school counselor and Dr has stongly reccommended medical and emotional therapy.

He has now starting showing violent tendencys.. he punched and kicked his father the other day during a tantrum. One of the hardest parts is watching this child make my beautiful boyfriend who has no freaking idea how to deal with him... completely miserable. And being only the girlfriend.. it is not my place to do anything but sit and watch. Remember.. he has a mother.. she calles every couple of days, she loves him.. she is just frustrated also.. I am just the girlfriend.. I have no ability to make any decisions on structure or discipline. So basically he is in my life and I have to watch.. and hope that my BF will do something when we all go out to dinner and the child climbs under the table and starts screaming (remember hes a very big almost 11 year old young man)

Of course when he hit my daughter in the face with a glass and left a big bruise on her face.. there wasn't much anyone could do to stop me from putting my hands on him.. but that was the only time.

If it makes me selfish to dread the idea of dealing with something like that .. then I will go buy a IM SELFISH bumpersticker today.. or four of them..

Me and my BF are doing great otherwise.. he is very understanding, loving and warm. I am sorry that I was not clear about that.

I hope that makes a few things a bit more clear..

_Spankie

[bridget_jones]

You're not selfish.

However I don't respect the fact that your bf hadn't made his own son a part of his life at all before this, when it was forced upon him by his ex. No wonder the kid's screwed up.

[Spankie]

I know that he regrets it.. he is in the military and moves every couple of years.. because of that the custody was given to the mother. He would keep him a few weeks every summer though, but they have mostly lived hundreds to thousands of miles apart. I think he feels guilty and because of that cannot give him the structure that he needs.. he gives in to much to ease his own guilt and I think that is a big problem.

[2ndIINone]

This thing with the cheating. It's a choice,

Doooode, you so took the words right outta my mouth.

 

Everybody is goin' back and forth with cheating, giving up music, myspace, the kid and is mental or not mental issues....

some just loooooooooooove the drama more then the happiness of a healthy relationship.

 

 

BLAH!

 

So we have a selfish woman with a boatload of issues who cheated... and a deadbeat Dad with a kid that was dropped off on his front doorstep cramping HER 'swinging' style with her boyfriend... (that she cheated on)

 

This relationship has doomed written all over it. Two wrong people don't make a right couple. She supposively loves him, but can't make room the son who entered his life again. AGAIN, package deal, accept it or go back to the lead guitarist. Cut the losses now, seek some kinda help and move on.... saving yourself alot of grief over the next year.

[lorr]

I'm afraid you will be at the mercy of your mistake.I mean Jesus what did you expect? You cheated so I'm afraid that you have to face the consequences of your actions.

 

Personally I think he should have moved on from you, so In some ways I think he's a bit of an arse, to even contemplate sticking with you.So yes expect alot of checking up and detective work which you will have to be brave enough to put up with.

 

As you've also decided to stick with him, then I'm afraid his child comes as part of the package regardless of whether you asked for it or not. If you can't handle it then its simple really- just leave.

 

[CaliGuy]

You're really judmental for not knowing the situation very well. Those kids often DO have control over what they do to some extent. He's not this helpless victim, that's how these kids enable themselves to act like little s**ts. They go "it's my DISABILITY." Whatever. You don't know what you're talking about. They do have control, particularly if they are on medication.

 

You don't know that the child is or is not on medication. Having suffered from ADHD myself, I know exactly what it's like to live through that.

 

I also know what it's like to be a child of ADHD and the step son of a man who wanted nothing to do with me. They did not have meds for me at that time. I was told I was a hyperactive brat and treated poorly because of it.

 

On the contrary, I know exactly what I am talking about.

[CaliGuy]

You're not selfish.

However I don't respect the fact that your bf hadn't made his own son a part of his life at all before this, when it was forced upon him by his ex. No wonder the kid's screwed up.

 

You must not have read correctly. He's in the military and they move quite often. That is not a good environment to raise a child in. It was obviously determined that the child would be better suited to live with his mom in a more stable environment.

 

My parents moved a lot when I was a kid. They were in a band. Every year I'd have to change schools, make new friends, leave the old ones behind. It sucked.

 

What I do agree with you is simply that the father needs to learn to take more responsibility for his child. He needs to be more active in getting him help (meds and/or therapy combined), learn to cook and I do think he needs to decide if he wants to be with this woman.

 

If so, then he needs to work harder to resolve the situation. It won't be easy and requires work. He also has a trust issue with her to take care of which that in and of itself is a mounumental task.

 

I think they both have to decide if it's worth it or not. Personally from the outside looking in I think not.

 

And one issue of cheating is not something to take lightly. If another man can catch her eye so easily she needs to figure out why. He obviously is not meeting some of her emotional needs. Once someone does, your eyes won't wander anymore.

[bridget_jones]

Could you show me where it states her bf is in the military and thus moves around a lot? I am reading that she has a son in the military....

 

anyhoo, don't disregard the paragraph that spankie wrote. she is giving this guy her all and treating the kid like gold, going out of her way to cook and babysit?

Let's stop crucifying this woman for cheating, once, we dont' even know to the extent of it. Also just because she cheated, that wasn't even the original reason she posted, she posted whether she should put up with his crap or not. She spent a whole paragraph above explaining what a great person she is to this man and his child.

My advice to you is join back up to the band and change your passwords back, you have done paid your dues, girl.

[norajane]

I met my perfect match.

 

When that happens, the realtionship deserves everything you've got - it needs to be nurtured and taken care of, or it won't stay perfect. That's when you have to put the relationship first when there's a choice to be made; you have to put "us" before "me".

 

I am in a band and during this period of ickiness got waaaaaaaay to friendly with my new lead guitarist.. and got caught by my partner..

Long story short.. after much pain, embarrassment, dispair, we have reconciled..

 

Obviously, he loves you very much or he would have just walked away at that point. Whatever pain, embarrassment and despair you went through, he went through much more to get to the point he could even consider reconciliation.

 

I KNOW that I love him, I KNOW I went insane for a couple weeks, I KNOW that it will never.. ever EVER happen again.. of course he is paranoid..

But this is starting to suck. Do I have the right to feel that way? Or am I forever at the mercy of my past mistake?

 

He does not know at this point that you wouldn't cheat on him again. He really doesn't know that, even if you do. Trust was broken. And trust is one of those things...it exists without effort, until it's broken. Then you have to move heaven and earth in order to rebuild it. And even then, it's never the same as it was.

 

Yes, it's going to suck for you because your actions and motives are being questioned. Please try to keep in mind that however much it sucks for you, it sucks for him 10 times more because he now has to ask the questions...he can longer just believe in you because you've shown him that you can lie and cheat to suit yourself, that you can set him and your relationship aside for a selfish need of yours. That knowledge twists him up inside. He doesn't want to doubt you because it hurts him each time he has to wonder, but if he just accepts everything at face value, he might end up in the same place he was before.

 

You have to have patience if you want this to work out.

 

Of all of the guilt that I feel.. for making this man feel the pain that I handed him and all of the feelings of complete disgust for myself..

I agree that I have been self centered and there is no excuse for my actions..

 

Again, it might be helpful for you to keep in mind that your guilt is nothing compared to his anguish. Remember, he thought you were a perfect match, too. He loved you and he believed you loved him. And then he found out that your love did not preclude you from knowingly choosing to act in a way that would hurt him.

 

My issue.. my question.. six months after a reconcilliation.. would you feel comfortable about sharing all of your emails.. myspace account.. etc with your partner..

 

If that's what it took, and I really wanted things to work out, yes, absolutely.

 

.. seems sometimes he gets a bit of information that he runs with and gets scared and it's totally innocent.. so it's just hard.. sometimes I am explaining the circumstances of an email that he took funny and I feel like he is not sure I am being truthful..

I just am not sure it is a good or a bad thing..

 

I won't go into the details, but my ex is an ex because of trust issues. After I broke up with him, he sent me an email saying, "It was not wise of me to let you imagine my admittedly sizeable transgressions even larger". All I can say is that made me so furious - it was not my imagination that was the problem, it was his actual transgressions, yet he was blaming me for not believing him even when he was innocent and being truthful. When someone lies to you, it's hard to know for sure when they aren't lying.

 

Do not blame your bf if he can't trust you yet. It's going to take him a while to trust again. He will need to see that your words match up with your actions. That doesn't happen overnight, or even in six months.

 

Anyway.. the BF didn't ask for my passwords to my emails and such.. I gave them to him, I don't regret it. I don't really mind him looking except I think it makes him more paranoid.. I am not sure..

 

He would be even more doubtful and questioning if he couldn't look through your emails and such. If you took that away now, he'd probably be even more suspicious.

 

And it would be good if you could stop thinking of him as paranoid. Paranoid is when there is no reason to be suspicious - he has reason because you did betray him once. Think of him as a dog you kicked...the dog has every reason to be afraid you might kick him again one day.

 

Me and my BF are doing great otherwise.. he is very understanding, loving and warm.

 

Then do whatever it takes to keep him in your life. He is doing everything he can to get over this even if it doesn't seem like that to you. Be as understanding, loving, and warm with him as he is with you. And be patient with him.

[bridget_jones]

Yeah, she posted straight out that he had no relationship with his kid before.

I say get your passwords back, you do a LOT for him and his kid. I mean you babysit for his son while he can go pursue his outside interests, yet you quit your passion for music by dropping the band?

If he doesn't appreciate that then forget him. HE's the one who's very selfish here and taking advantage of the situation because you made one mistake 6 months ago.

If you want your own passwords to emails and myspace, change them back. tell him outright that you don't feel happy that he is so paranoid and you want your life back, including being able to join the band again. If he gets his outside interests, so do you. Tell him instead of his outside interests to spend some more time with his son who he had no relationship with up until recently.

[Trialbyfire]

There is some excellent advice in this thread from people who've been there and understand the ramifications associated to cheating. There is also some compassionate, knowledgeable information and experience from/about disabled children.

 

Well done LSers!!

[Salicious Crumb]

I am in a band and during this period of ckiness got waaaaaaaay to friendly with my new lead guitarist.. and got caught by my partner..

Long story short.. after much pain, embarrassment, dispair, we have reconciled.. I have dropped music all together, and given him FULL access to all of my passwords, for email, Myspace, EVERYTHING!

 

You also need to quit your band...or the guitarist has to leave....but I'd say you have to quit...because he can't be assured you won't treat yourself to another band member.

 

I KNOW that I love him, I KNOW I went insane for a couple weeks, I KNOW that it will never.. ever EVER happen again.. of course he is paranoid..

 

And I don't blame him. And if it happened once, it CAN happen again.

 

But this is starting to suck. Do I have the right to feel that way?

 

No...you caused the situation.

 

Or am I forever at the mercy of my past mistake?

 

Unfortunately yes....in some sense. You need to know that even if you two reconcile and things seem ok...he will be plagued by what you did from here on out. He may not think about it every single day, but once in a while, and more times than not, he'll think about what you did.

 

And 100% trust after an affair or cheating will NEVER be regained. You might get him back to 90% and that may seem normal enough. But you have already shown him you are the cheating type and 100% will be impossible for him. Even a therapist will tell you that.

 

So what do you do?...like I said, you need to quit your band. If you are not willing to do that, then just let your bf go and say goodbye..because if you are not willing to do that, then you are not willing to show him that it will not happen again.

 

Thats about all I can tell you...just don't expect him to ever forget what you did and you can't get mad at him for not trusting you 100%...you proved to him that you can't be trusted 100%.