I Screwed up, but how much is too much?

[Spankie]

I quit the band immediately.. way before he started speaking to me again.. that was a given. We discussed it later when things were not so horrifying and decided that when his son moved back in with his mother and he was not a full time parent, that I would pursue music again with another group when he could come to rehearsals and such..

[Island Girl]

I quit the band immediately.. way before he started speaking to me again.. that was a given. We discussed it later when things were not so horrifying and decided that when his son moved back in with his mother and he was not a full time parent, that I would pursue music again with another group when he could come to rehearsals and such..

 

Great choice. And I'm glad the two of you could come to an agreement about your music and how that is going to be pursued going forward.

 

I bet you never thought your post would inspire such a debate!

[bridget_jones]

Spankie, I just have to say that you do a lot for this man and his child. I'm sorry the other posters choose to ignore that aspect. You really go beyond the call of duty for this man by babysitting his difficult child that he didn't bother to cultivate a relationship.

People who have been cheated on are going to be harsh on you and judge you and say "guilty you gotta pay" no matter what, you are the bad guy. Well I'm not like that. Your guy is defintely flawed and I don't think he's appreciating you.

Salicious Crumb, you are wrong about her quitting the band. Hell, she is babysitting his difficult child so he can have outside interests, when she is already working two jobs, she is freaking cooking for them several nights a week. Well she deserves to have some fun, too. Maybe he needs to spring for a babysitter and go watch her play then and show some pride and interest in his girlfriend who waits on him, cooks for him, and watches his kid. I say....it's been six months, you are being their personal maid, you have done enough, he's getting his outside interests from the relationship, what's this dude doing for you? Join the band.

You need to tell this guy that he is the one who cut off all relationship with his child, well now he needs to forget about his "outside interests" and spend time with his freaking son. You shouldn't be enabling "escape time" from his son because of an incident six freaking months ago which you have apologized, begged forgiveness, and given upa lot of your life for. Enough of that crap. You guy is the one with issues, he needs to be a good dad. (He isn't and hasn't been.) don't let his problems become your problems.

Like I said the cheaters think you should continue to be at the mercy of the "betrayed" boyfriend as long as he says, well, honey, you've paid your dues. Might be time to get a new bf if he continues to be an a** because personally I think he's not as insecure as he lets on, he is just using it to make you feel guilty so you continue to cater to him, such as babysitting, cooking several times a week, etc. What single dad wouldn't want that?

There was a reason you cheated, don't forget that. He's not the innocent party the cheaters on here would lead you to believe, but the cheaters are all it's all black and white, cheater, bad, betrayed, good, because they don't want to face their own role in the demise of their relationships.

[norajane]

There was a reason you cheated, don't forget that. He's not the innocent party the cheaters on here would lead you to believe, but the cheaters are all it's all black and white, cheater, bad, betrayed, good, because they don't want to face their own role in the demise of their relationships.

 

Cheating is not a solution to a troubled relationship. It is certainly not the default approach. If the "reason" (read: excuse) for cheating is there were issues in the relationship, she had options to 1) communicate and work on the issues or 2) leave the relationship. Cheating, however, especially a drunken one night stand, is hardly the fault of the person who's been cheated on, regardless of the state of the relationship.

[Island Girl]

Cheating is not a solution to a troubled relationship. It is certainly not the default approach. If the "reason" (read: excuse) for cheating is there were issues in the relationship, she had options to 1) communicate and work on the issues or 2) leave the relationship. Cheating, however, especially a drunken one night stand, is hardly the fault of the person who's been cheated on, regardless of the state of the relationship.

 

I love norajane.

 

I agree with your posts so much of the time. Always -- at least so far.

 

I read through the couple of posts that you put here and you again are right on and I agree whole heartedly with you.

 

OP -- what norajane has said in previous as well as this post.

[norajane]

I love norajane.

 

I agree with your posts so much of the time. Always -- at least so far.

 

I read through the couple of posts that you put here and you again are right on and I agree whole heartedly with you.

 

OP -- what norajane has said in previous as well as this post.

 

You mean someone actually reads this stuff I take the time to type up???

 

 

Thanks, sweets.

[bridget_jones]

Yes, first we have to determine to the degree she "cheated." Second, it was six months ago. She has been babysitting his kid several times a week, whereas he had chosen to be absent from his son's life up until his ex forced him upon him. She cooks for them several times a week, let's him go out and have his fun.

She has kissed his ASS long enough. I find it amusing that posters fail to realize this dude's serious faults and what he's doing to her. And conveniently forget how much she's going beyond the call of duty as a girlfriend, despite the one mistake (six months ago.)

He's taking advantage of her. He let his first ex raise the kid all by herself without any involvement, now he's fooling this poor woman into taking care and doing HIS job while he's out having fun, and using the excuse it's because she cheated six months ago. Give me a break, he's an ASS. "Hey, you "cheated" on me 6 months ago, here's my kid, take care of him while I go pursue my outside interests because I don't want to be a father to my kid. You owe me, chicky." Forget that crap.

[norajane]

Yes, first we have to determine to the degree she "cheated." Second, it was six months ago. She has been babysitting his kid several times a week, whereas he had chosen to be absent from his son's life up until his ex forced him upon him. She cooks for them several times a week, let's him go out and have his fun.

She has kissed his ASS long enough. I find it amusing that posters fail to realize this dude's serious faults and what he's doing to her. And conveniently forget how much she's going beyond the call of duty as a girlfriend, despite the one mistake (six months ago.)

He's taking advantage of her. He let his first ex raise the kid all by herself without any involvement, now he's fooling this poor woman into taking care and doing HIS job while he's out having fun, and using the excuse it's because she cheated six months ago. Give me a break, he's an ASS. "Hey, you "cheated" on me 6 months ago, here's my kid, take care of him while I go pursue my outside interests because I don't want to be a father to my kid. You owe me, chicky." Forget that crap.

 

You keep wanting to tie the two things together - what she's doing with his son and FOR HER BOYFRIEND, and his mistrust because of the cheating.

 

She is not babysitting and cooking and whatever because she cheated and this is her penance. These are choices she is making regarding how involved she wants to be in this man's life. Because she chooses to be involved, she has offered to do these things. I'm sure her bf didn't force her to come over and cook 3 nights a week because she cheated. I'm sure she is doing that because she loves him and does care about his son.

 

So, if she has issues with the boy and being involved with this man and his relationship with his son, that is not because she is making up for the cheating. Her bf is not making her do those things as punishment, or as a way of rebuilding trust. It doesn't work that way. A cheater can be a saint at home and still go out and cheat behind your back. But if she does have complaints regarding the boy and the cooking, then she needs to be communicating with her bf about them, or if it's too much too handle, leaving him.

 

The cheating issues - which she specified in her first post - have to do with giving him access to her email, etc., and whether that is or isn't a good idea in terms of rebuilding trust. This trust issue - will she go out and screw another guitarist behind his back? - would still be there regardless of what she does or doesn't do with his son or cooking or whatever.

[bridget_jones]

I don't know, Nora. I think he is taking advantage of her and using the one time cheating thing six months ago as an excuse.

Why should he get to go out and do his own thing, "outside interests", while she is there watching his child, yet she gave up the band? Why isn't he wanting to spend time with her and his kid on those nights? Makes 'ya think, doesn't it?

this guy is a lousy father and that is something that needs to be dealt with. He's dumping his kid on his girlfriend while he goes out and does his own thing, outside interests. That stinks. This woman is a saint, IMO. This guy needs to get his act together.

[Salicious Crumb]

Salicious Crumb, you are wrong about her quitting the band. Hell, she is babysitting his difficult child so he can have outside interests, when she is already working two jobs, she is freaking cooking for them several nights a week. Well she deserves to have some fun, too.

 

She can seek fun elsewhere. She cheated on him with a band member. As long as she stays in the band, she is showing him that being in the band is more important to him. She needs to make a decision as to which is more important to her.

 

If she wants to show him that it will never happen again, then quitting the band is one of the things she needs to do. Otherwise he will wonder what other band members she will be treating herself to...especially if the guitarist she screwed him over for is still in the band.

[Salicious Crumb]

There was a reason you cheated, don't forget that. He's not the innocent party the cheaters on here would lead you to believe, but the cheaters are all it's all black and white, cheater, bad, betrayed, good, because they don't want to face their own role in the demise of their relationships.

 

Ah...another cheater apologist...things aren't perfect...so you defend what you think is her right to cheat. Simply amazing.

[Salicious Crumb]

I quit the band immediately.. way before he started speaking to me again.. that was a given. We discussed it later when things were not so horrifying and decided that when his son moved back in with his mother and he was not a full time parent, that I would pursue music again with another group when he could come to rehearsals and such..

 

That sounds reasonable. Quitting the band was a must if you truly love this man. And it doesn't mean you can't pursue it at a later date, but not with the same band and DEFINITELY not with the same guitarist.

Otherwise your guitarist might find his D'addario stings wrapped around his neck and his tremolo shoved up his ass.

[bridget_jones]

Why should he get to go out several times a week while she babysits his kid? WHY ISN'T THIS GUY STAYING HOME AND BEING A DAD and LETTING HIS GF BE THE PARENT to HIS KID??? PARENTING ISN'T A PART-TIME JOB THAT YOU FAWN OFF ONTO YOUR GF TO MAKE HER PAY FOR ONE "CHEATING" INCIDENT 6 MONTHS AGO. Something to think about, he is TOTALLY taking advantage of the situation, making her feel like crap for something she did six months ago so he can go have fun while she cooks and cares for his kid because he doesn't want to.

[Salicious Crumb]

Why should he get to go out several times a week while she babysits his kid? WHY ISN'T THIS GUY STAYING HOME AND BEING A DAD and LETTING HIS GF BE THE PARENT to HIS KID???

 

I'm not saying she shouldn't get to go out and have fun...but she has proven that she can't be trusted with her band member's member.

 

he is TOTALLY taking advantage of the situation, making her feel like crap for something she did six months ago so he can go have fun while she cooks and cares for his kid because he doesn't want to.

 

Then its something she has to think about. If they stay together, her cheating will forever haunt him in some way....is she to get off the hook while he has to have what she did to him in the back of his mind from that day forward?

 

Sorry...she f#cked up. If she needs to bend over backwards to win him back if she truly doesn't want anyone else as she said(even she apparantly DID want someone else), then thats what she needs to do.

 

6 months isn't a whole lot of time to pay the price for cheating.

 

I suspect you are a cheater yourself and thats why you defend cheating so much.

[Salicious Crumb]

My actions are not on trial here.. but thank your for the extra dose of excruciating guilt..

 

Uh...am I missing something?...YOUR ACTIONS are the cause of his mistrust in you. It is NOT his child that gives him reason to mistrust you, it is YOUR ACTIONS that gave him reason to re-evaluate the relationship...not his child. I understand this child may be difficult to deal with, but this isn't why he doesn't trust you.

 

And actually my feelings about this child are not really the issue..

 

Huh?...if you don't think your actions are at the heart of the problem...and your feelings about the child aren't either...then what IS the problem?

 

My issue.. my question.. six months after a reconcilliation.. would you feel comfortable about sharing all of your emails.. myspace account.. etc with your partner..

 

If I f#cked someone over like that and deperately wanted them to trust me again, even though 100% trust will never be possible...maybe 90%), then I either do what I have to do, or leave the relationship.

 

but is it healthy for him and me for him to have access to every single piece of my personal business 24/7 six months after reconcilliation..

That is my issue..

 

Well if you don't like it...then maybe you should move on. You damaged the relationship...don't think that you can have it your way any longer.

Sure there should be a time where all of that should pass...but 6 months isn't d!ck when it comes to the amount of time he will have to have what you did to him in the back of his mind...which is pretty much forever.

[Salicious Crumb]

Please.. WHY, AGAIN IS IT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE ON A FULL TIME POSITION WITH A DISABLED CHILD THAT I DO NOT HAVE ANY CONNECTION WITH OTHER THAN DATING HIS DAD?

You can't really be serious.. this is hard core .. the "Nanny" would go insane with this child.. I have reread your comments and I am just feeling the need to invite you over to try to have dinner with this kid.. you would leave in 30 mins..

 

Oh for the love of Pete....then f#ckin' leave him already. You already proved to him and us that you dont' love him since you treated yourself to your lead guitarist's d!ck...so why don't you just leave him.

 

Ya I know...you love him:sick: ....tell us another good one.

[Salicious Crumb]

You're really judmental for not knowing the situation very well. Those kids often DO have control over what they do to some extent. He's not this helpless victim, that's how these kids enable themselves to act like little s**ts. They go "it's my DISABILITY." Whatever. You don't know what you're talking about. They do have control, particularly if they are on medication.

 

So you are saying because this guy has an ADD child, that it gives her a free pass to cheat on him?

[bridget_jones]

The problem is the guy is letting his gf take on parenting responsibilities of his own kid while he's going out and doing his own thing. She shouldn't have to be doing that, the kid deserves to have a dad who will actually be there. Poor kid.

[Salicious Crumb]

Personally I think your BF is WHACK for making you give up all your privacy.

 

Ah...and I don't suppose she is not "WHACK" for cheating on him in the first place? Remember...he trusted her until she gave him a reason to NOT trust her.

[Salicious Crumb]

The problem is the guy is letting his gf take on parenting responsibilities of his own kid while he's going out and doing his own thing. She shouldn't have to be doing that, the kid deserves to have a dad who will actually be there. Poor kid.

 

I don't disagree about the kid...but if Spankie doesn't like it..she should have left the relationship...not cheat.

[bridget_jones]

this guy is not a good parent. He is using her to watch his kid and be a surrogate parent while he goes out and pursues outside interests. I still don't think she should have to be at his mercy and suffer because of a mistake. she has done paid her dues. He needs to come home and face being a parent now. why doesn't he come home and they work on the parenting strategy together?

Yes, she knows she cheated. she doesn't need to be kept reminded of that. But she's not cheating now and deserves to be respected and have her life back. In a year, is she supposed to be putting up with everything on his terms because she cheated once? No. She 's a human being, she made a mistake. this doesn't make her a bad person.

[Salicious Crumb]

Wow.. I get up this morning and everything is getting misconstrued (is that how you spell that?) Anyway.. the BF didn't ask for my passwords to my emails and such.. I gave them to him, I don't regret it. I don't really mind him looking except I think it makes him more paranoid.. I am not sure.. Like the day of the Match.com password thing.. I noticed that he had read every advertisement/spam that said anything about dating sites.

I worry that I have given him fuel to be paranoid. But I realized last night that I can't take it away.. It just may have been a mistake to give him that fuel.

 

The fuel for him being paranoid isn't the fact you gave him all the information and passwords willingly....the fuel is you cheated.

 

I babysit him so my BF can go do his outside interests..

 

Outside interest?...like what?

 

I want the relationship that I had before He suddenly came into our lives.

 

And I'm sure your bf wanted the relationship you had before you cheated too....but that can never be taken back now and will always stick with him.

 

Of course when he hit my daughter in the face with a glass and left a big bruise on her face.. there wasn't much anyone could do to stop me from putting my hands on him.. but that was the only time.

If it makes me selfish to dread the idea of dealing with something like that .. then I will go buy a IM SELFISH bumpersticker today.. or four of them..

Me and my BF are doing great otherwise.. he is very understanding, loving and warm. I am sorry that I was not clear about that.

I hope that makes a few things a bit more clear..

_Spankie

 

Now you said he wasn't in his son's life before he moved in, was that simply because he didn't have custody, or did he go out of his way to not have any contact with his son?

 

Either way...I don't know what this has to do with your bf not trusting you any longer because of your cheating.

[Salicious Crumb]

this guy is not a good parent. He is using her to watch his kid and be a surrogate parent while he goes out and pursues outside interests.

 

First off, what are these "outside interests"...she never said.

 

Secondly...the fact he was in the military and gets shipped all over the place doesn't make him a bad parent...it means his situation sucks and custody was given to the mother because of his career...and understandably so.

 

I still don't think she should have to be at his mercy and suffer because of a mistake.

 

She should for a while.

 

Or what?...you don't think cheaters need to pay a price? Cheaters should be able to betray and hurt someone without suffering a little?

 

And remember...Spankie said SHE gave him her account info and passwords...she said he didn't ask for any of it. She did it of her own free will. So your argument holds no water.

 

she has done paid her dues.

 

She has? How do you know? 6 months isn't sh!it compared to him having to think about this here and there from here on out.

 

If she can't handle 6 months or more of paying "dues" compared to the hurt she handed him....then maybe its time for her to move on and leave him alone.

 

Yes, she knows she cheated. she doesn't need to be kept reminded of that.

 

She does for a good long while....if cheaters don't pay some sort of price, they will continue to cheat.

 

But she's not cheating now and deserves to be respected and have her life back.

 

She deserves to be respected after helping herself to another man? Uh....ok..

 

 

In a year, is she supposed to be putting up with everything on his terms because she cheated once? No. She 's a human being, she made a mistake. this doesn't make her a bad person.

 

Cheating is not a mistake...its a conscious decision to betray and hurt someone that is suppose to be dear to them.

 

Cheating doesn't make her a bad person?...I suppose it makes her a saint?

[woe_is_me]

Me and my BF are doing great otherwise.. he is very understanding, loving and warm.

_Spankie

 

are these pre-requisites for 'swinging' lol yuk!

 

and the mother of 'the child' as you so fondly call him really needs her head read for letting that child stay with you...she should probably see a dietician also as ADD is grossly overdiagnosed. i like to refer to it as 'adult discipline disorder'

 

your muso lifestyle isn't really the ideal one for your child or his ..more befitting for your swinging and sleazing imo

[Shadowdog36]

I took a girl to dinner 7 times...does that mean that I pre-paid enough to f**k her friend??? If you can pay after the fact, and establish when enough is enough, why can't you pre-pay that tab and set yourself up for some GOOD TIMES!!! Preferrably with her hot friend!!!

 

What??? It doesn't work that way??? Huh.....