I am such an idiot

[Pyro]

I will let others explain to you LL

 

In other words, you got nothing?

 

LL -

 

You could play devil's advocate and just innocently say "maybe i'll move out now so we might be able to consider dating for a while."

 

See what his reaction is - that will tell you everything you need to know!

 

You will have an opportunity to tell him that you enjoyed your friendship and the benefits of it better before you lived there.... maybe his mind will be triggered to remember the bj you gave him before being roomies.

 

In any event, yes... i think he wants you badly - but is holding back so as not to lose you for good. He probably figures some of you is better than nothing at all...

 

Try it - okay?

 

Threatening to leave someone almost guarantees to get a reaction out of someone, especially if they do care or have feelings.

[2sunny]

In other words, you got nothing?

 

 

 

Threatening to leave someone almost guarantees to get a reaction out of someone, especially if they do care or have feelings.

 

so what - at least this way she finds out what his intentions are and quits wasting her time wondering if he's planning to do anything.

 

she could potentially go on wondering for years; and how would that benefit her?

 

just throw the info out there and see how he reacts... at first, and after a few days when he has had time to think about losing you on a daily basis.

[LoveLace]

Alphamale I have yet to see you back up your opinions with anything.

 

Sunny2 and Riddler, in way I have already threatened to move out. After the last argument we got into, I sent him an email explaining that I was torn between the pros and cons of living alone and living with him. He did not read the email the same I day sent it...so we ended up arguing in person about it that night. I left the part Torn part out of the discussion. But I think he must have read the email the next day. Cuz since then he's been very sweet to me and hangs out with me more, etc. He throws out these one liners that are meant to be sexual metaphors (like he asked if it was ok to turn on the heater..."you KNOW you like it" he says..ha ha...whatever...anyhow, we are still up in the air about whats going to happen when our lease is up, so I"m hoping a discussion of our relationship will come up then.

[Pyro]

so what - at least this way she finds out what his intentions are and quits wasting her time wondering if he's planning to do anything.

 

she could potentially go on wondering for years; and how would that benefit her?

 

just throw the info out there and see how he reacts... at first, and after a few days when he has had time to think about losing you on a daily basis.

 

I wasn't disagreeing with you at all.

[alphamale]

Alphamale I have yet to see you back up your opinions with anything..

I dont' need to back up anything....you've already provided the documentation. Go back and read your own posts very slowly and very carefully.

[2sunny]

just do SOMETHING....

 

it is too hard for me to stand by and watch people do nothing - when they obviously want to do SOMETHING.

 

who cares if he rejects you... he is doing it very modestly every day right now.

 

just ask him and get it over with and move on. if he says he can't go there, then just act as you always have.

 

maybe he hasn't said or done something because he's afraid of being rejected by YOU... ever think about that?

[LoveLace]

just do SOMETHING....

 

it is too hard for me to stand by and watch people do nothing - when they obviously want to do SOMETHING.

 

who cares if he rejects you... he is doing it very modestly every day right now.

 

just ask him and get it over with and move on. if he says he can't go there, then just act as you always have.

 

maybe he hasn't said or done something because he's afraid of being rejected by YOU... ever think about that?

 

I have thought of that many times Sunny. So i've tried to be more attentive towards him like he has been to me, and we go back and forth with it, but neither of us do anything major. What did you mean by him rejecting me every day?

[bridget_jones]

This more complete history you have given only confirms that he's not really that into you. He's had all these years to make his move towards a relationship with you and has done nothing, fully aware of the fact that you have feelings for him. He knows you're in love with him. You are a good friend at most, a f**kbuddy at times....a roommate/rent payer the rest of the time to him. I am really kind of surprised at how many people on here are encouraging you to believe he is in love with you.

[alphamale]

This more complete history you have given only confirms that he's not really that into you. He's had all these years to make his move towards a relationship with you and has done nothing, fully aware of the fact that you have feelings for him. He knows you're in love with him. You are a good friend at most, a f**kbuddy at times....a roommate/rent payer the rest of the time to him.

yes BJ...thats what i meant also

[bridget_jones]

yes, alphamale, I'm with you 100% on this one. I was agreeing with you.

[LoveLace]

Alpha you are not helping me out here...I'm the confused one remember? Going back to read my own posts aren't going to help me. I wouldn't be here if things were that obvious to me. If you want me to understand where your coming from, you need to state the details that support your opinion. It isn't that I completely disagree with you, you could be right, but I need to know why you think so, otherwise I don't see what point you are trying to make.

[LoveLace]

This more complete history you have given only confirms that he's not really that into you. He's had all these years to make his move towards a relationship with you and has done nothing, fully aware of the fact that you have feelings for him. He knows you're in love with him. You are a good friend at most, a f**kbuddy at times....a roommate/rent payer the rest of the time to him. I am really kind of surprised at how many people on here are encouraging you to believe he is in love with you.

 

 

We are not f**k buddies at all, the BJ was the only sexual event between since we've been friends again. We haven't had sex in probably 6 years, Cuz then he lived with his Ex for about 3 years, we didn't talk AT ALL because he was settling down and he rarely called anyone as far as his friends went. His friends would complain about him not being around. Of course he wasn't thinking of me then- he was engaged. During that time I never thought of him either, cuz I was long over him by then. I never expected them to break up and I never expected that he would be in my life again. So I can't say he's using me, because I don't give him any sexual attention what so ever, and we split the bills like any other roommates.

 

And he hangs out with me more than he does any other girl, I know that for a fact.

[bridget_jones]

I didn't say he was using you. I just don't think he's really that into you. He's still had tons of time to make a romantic move on you and he hasn't. other posters agree with me, but you are certain he IS interested in a relationship. So...what is the problem then? If he's in love with you like you insist, then tell him and both of you will be happy in love forever. Tell him tonight!

[alphamale]

I didn't say he was using you.

well BJ...I will say he is totally using her.

[LoveLace]

Ok fine guess what, I will have a talk with him tonight. I might even just come out with it. We'll see what happens.

[Erik]

Please keep us posted.

 

I'm tempted to say go ahead and tell him, as it would prove my point, but the fact, is you don't have to take chances you don't have to. Take it from a guy, talking emotions can scare the strongest of us, just as if a guy decides to come clean about how much he desires your body. Even if you love him, such a declaration is bound to make things awkward. Court him instead. Male psychology responds better to sexual approaches than to emotional. Blame it on my immoral Danish upbringing, but if I want to know about computers or cruise missiles, I'll ask a Yank. You want to know about sex, ask a Dane.

[alphamale]

You want to know about sex, ask a Dane.

ha ha ha....the repressed nordic do not know much compared to the peoples of South America. I would rather ask some from Rio Di Janero.

[Erik]

That's what they call Copenhagen in Sweden.

[polywog]

I've just read this thread through and have some thoughts. For those of you who say that if he was interested in her he'd have made it obvious by now, I think you could be underestimating this guy.

 

Maybe he has his own fears of being rejected for one thing, since so much has been unspoken. Yes, OP has given him hints, but how many of us here on LS have agonized over whether to believe what we're seeing?

 

The other thing is that the fact that they are living together is a tremendous burden on any blossoming relationship. At least when we are dating, we have the space to let things develop. Lovelace and roomate don't have that very necessary option.

 

The other thought I have is that Lovelace and roomate probably know each other as well as an old couple after all these years. Maybe roomate is not at a stage in his life where he's ready for that kind of emotional intimacy. The cheating fiance is a red flag for me, reading about him. So maybe he needs to date "emotionally unavailable" women now, and just hasn't been ready for what it seems Lovelace could offer (a romantic relationship with a friendship). Very "When Harry Met Sally"!

 

It's a tricky situation, and I've never experienced something like this myself, but from the outside I can see the reasons that are squashing down the flow of romance.

 

Sorry to talk about you in the third person, Lovelace!

[LoveLace]

Thank you, Polywog! Everything you say makes sense. He might not be making any big moves for the same reason I'm not making any. We're Roommates!! (We were not living together when the BJ happened...If i'd known we are about to live together, I don't know that would have done that!) I think we respect each other a lot. And we do know each other very, very well. But since there was a gap of time that we didn't talk, we did both grow and change in some ways, so now it's like we get to know each other all over again as well.

 

You are also correct that he came out of his long term relationship with bitterness because his Ex cheated on him. When we 1st moved in, he was using girls left and right for his physical needs, but made it pretty clear to me that he wanted nothing more with them and has little respect for them. He was perfectly aware of his own bitterness. So if he would have made any moves on me, I would have accused him treating me like I'm one of those girls.

 

He asked if I had sex on a date I went on a couple months ago. I told him no, because I don't want to have sex again until its with somebody who is worth it. Since then, he has been extra sweet to me. Last night we were both home and I did laundry and dishes; then he took out the trash and started fixing things. It felt so domestic... We make a good team in many ways, so I can't help but wonder, if romance was thrown in there, would it be even better? He bluntly said he wants to keep living with me. If you found someone of the opposite sex that you live with well....wouldn't it make you wonder if there's a REASON why you live together well?

[Erik]

He asked if I had sex on a date I went on a couple months ago. I told him no, because I don't want to have sex again until its with somebody who is worth it. Since then, he has been extra sweet to me.

 

Girl, you are exasperating! He can hardly make it any plainer without assaulting you. What are you waiting for? Serenades and plate mail? Now, go kiss him before I get angry!

[crimzonheartache]

Well, I would just like to say that maybe if you didn't see yourself in such a negative light you would have better luck with men. You need to walk around with your head up... not staring at the floor!!

[bridget_jones]

Lovelace...please stop making excuses for this man. He is just not that into you to put it bluntly. Have you read the book He's Just Not That Into You? If you have to make that many excuses as to why he's not acting on his romantic feelings to you, he just doesn't have any. It is so sad today how women will make excuse after excuse after excuse after excuse for men who just are not in love with them. "He doesn't want to ruin the friendship" "We're roommates" "His exfiancee years ago cheated on him." "He is bitter because of past experiences" "He is afraid to make a move because he thinks I am not interested in him" "He's Just Not Ready for Emotional Intimacy Right Now" "He has a Fear of Being Rejected" yada yada yada yada...I'm sorry but the reason he wants you to keep living with him is because he can continue to rent a better place with you helping out with rent! Sure,he likes you. but he's not interested in a romantic relationship. You might even be able to get him to bed...but...he's just not that into you. There is NO sign from any of your posts that he wants you in a romantic way, there just isn't.

Guys go for what they want...He hasn't gone for you. Remember....if you have to make excuses for his behavior, and that is pretty much what you have been doing this entire thread, he's just not that into you.

[polywog]

Thank you, Polywog! Everything you say makes sense. He might not be making any big moves for the same reason I'm not making any. We're Roommates!! (We were not living together when the BJ happened...If i'd known we are about to live together, I don't know that would have done that!) I think we respect each other a lot. And we do know each other very, very well. But since there was a gap of time that we didn't talk, we did both grow and change in some ways, so now it's like we get to know each other all over again as well.

 

You are also correct that he came out of his long term relationship with bitterness because his Ex cheated on him. When we 1st moved in, he was using girls left and right for his physical needs, but made it pretty clear to me that he wanted nothing more with them and has little respect for them. He was perfectly aware of his own bitterness. So if he would have made any moves on me, I would have accused him treating me like I'm one of those girls.

 

He asked if I had sex on a date I went on a couple months ago. I told him no, because I don't want to have sex again until its with somebody who is worth it. Since then, he has been extra sweet to me. Last night we were both home and I did laundry and dishes; then he took out the trash and started fixing things. It felt so domestic... We make a good team in many ways, so I can't help but wonder, if romance was thrown in there, would it be even better? He bluntly said he wants to keep living with me. If you found someone of the opposite sex that you live with well....wouldn't it make you wonder if there's a REASON why you live together well?

 

Well, this stuff is very encouraging! I still think that living together "before" dating presents an obstacle, IMHO.

 

I mean, when one starts to get in a relationship, date someone, that is...there's that delicious angst-filled stage where you come home from the date to process what happened... sitting alone in the kitchen, sipping whatever you like to drink, wondering how it went, whether they like you or not, whether you really want to be with them, etc etc... you know.

 

In your & roomate's case this is not an option. No room alone to process and reflect. I don't know what the solution is. Erik thinks you should just jump his bones, but I think it's a little bit risky. But then, I've never been in your position. Maybe someone else reading this thread has, surely?

[polywog]

Lovelace...please stop making excuses for this man. He is just not that into you to put it bluntly. Have you read the book He's Just Not That Into You? If you have to make that many excuses as to why he's not acting on his romantic feelings to you, he just doesn't have any. It is so sad today how women will make excuse after excuse after excuse after excuse for men who just are not in love with them. "He doesn't want to ruin the friendship" "We're roommates" "His exfiancee years ago cheated on him." "He is bitter because of past experiences" "He is afraid to make a move because he thinks I am not interested in him" "He's Just Not Ready for Emotional Intimacy Right Now" "He has a Fear of Being Rejected" yada yada yada yada...I'm sorry but the reason he wants you to keep living with him is because he can continue to rent a better place with you helping out with rent! Sure,he likes you. but he's not interested in a romantic relationship. You might even be able to get him to bed...but...he's just not that into you. There is NO sign from any of your posts that he wants you in a romantic way, there just isn't.

Guys go for what they want...He hasn't gone for you. Remember....if you have to make excuses for his behavior, and that is pretty much what you have been doing this entire thread, he's just not that into you.

 

I dunno, bridget... I know you mean well for LoveLace, but I have read that book (took me 20 minutes) and I think it's got maybe a little useful stuff, but is mostly just formulaic drivel... and extremely patronizing toward us women. It doesn't address the nuances that I am gleaning from her thread.