loripuff Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 Hi! 10 days ago I ended an affair (close friend co-worker for 4 1/2 years followed by 6 months of emotional affair with touching and a few weeks of sex.) I felt very disrespected because the last few weeks I thought he was over with his wife...they hadn't had sex in probably a year....and they he came over to my house for sex and then went home and within hours slept with her. I am angry and sick about it and told him not to ever talk to me. I am heartbroken. Here I am hurt and lonely and he gets to just pick up his life where he left off. I want to tell her...so very badly so he can feel as badly as I do. What do I do? It's not fair that he not have any consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 This is totally out of revenge. You certainly had NO problem messing around with him knowing full well he was married and had a wife. You only want to tell because things aren't going your way anymore. The best revenge is for you to move on with your life and completely ignore him, cut him out forever. Anyway, he lied to you obviously about the status of his marriage. Sorry to say this, but by getting involved with a MM, you must have KNOWN he a liar to begin with, hense cheating on his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loripuff Posted July 18, 2009 Author Share Posted July 18, 2009 It would be purely revenge, but is there anything wrong with that? I wouldn't be so upset if he had just been up front with me about trying to repair things with his wife, rather than come over to my house for sex. This is the first time I felt like I was used. He is a pig and needs some consequences. What about telling him that he needs to tell her or I will? Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 This is totally out of revenge. You certainly had NO problem messing around with him knowing full well he was married and had a wife. You only want to tell because things aren't going your way anymore. I SOOOO agree with this wwu. Motive is important. That is why I am always taken aback when a BS asks the same question with the same motive and gets a lot of support. OP, if you do not think there is anything wrong with that...then go ahead do it...why bother asking anybody if you don't think it is quite an evil act? The best revenge is for you to move on with your life and completely ignore him, cut him out forever. I agree! Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 DO NOT tell his wife... how low can someone be.. you knew he was taken.. but you chose to go with it.. you live with the consequences now. It was just sex.. live with it!!! Did he promise you he would leave his W? How could you believe him when he said he wasn't having sex with her.. COME ON!!!!! If the guy swears he's NOT married or with anyone.. then that's different.. but if you KNEW about it.. a whole different story.. Time to move on.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 It would be purely revenge, but is there anything wrong with that? I wouldn't be so upset if he had just been up front with me about trying to repair things with his wife, rather than come over to my house for sex. This is the first time I felt like I was used. He is a pig and needs some consequences. What about telling him that he needs to tell her or I will? If he had been upfront with you? HELLO, he's married!!!! You were the OW. While having sex with him before you 'knew' that he had no intention of leaving his wife, there was no problem, right? Yeah he lied to you, but you chose to get involved and believe a MM. Your own consquences are what you should be concerned about, not him. Forget him, heal and move on. It isn't up to you to decide what consquences he suffers. Plus, if you threaten him, all that's going to do is make him throw YOU under the bus and make it seem like you're crazy, you're stalking him etc.. Revenge isn't worth it. Heal yourself and move on, seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loripuff Posted July 18, 2009 Author Share Posted July 18, 2009 Have either of you ever been the other woman? I always question the motives of other posters...you could be cheating spouses or bitter from being cheated on or maybe you have had the same experiences. I always feel like I'm being judged for sleeping with a married man. He's in the committed relationship, not me. His infidelity, not mine, but I feel like I'm the only one who is hurt. Where are his consequences? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 Does it really matter? Instead of being concerned about posters reasonings and their background history, why not just take in the advice and think about your situation abit? Take a step back.. It isn't up to you to decide the consquences for him. He is the one who cheated on his wife, yes, he was WRONG, so wrong to do that to her..But he isn't the one posting, you are. Sounds like you need to own up to your part in this. Knowing he was married, had a wife, you chose to be the OW and have an affair with a MM. Don't put that on him, you could have said NO, I don't date or get involved with MM, but you didn't.. Yeah it's his infidelity, but you helped him betray his wife, he didn't do this alone. Again, his consquences aren't your concern. Worry about yourself and healing so you can find a healthy love with someone who can love ONLY you. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 Lori, Lizzie has had many MM. To ask her if she has any experience being an OW is like asking if she drinks water. LOL. Seriously, no one is judging you, just questioning your motives. When you call a man's W, claiming to be his OW for four years, your revenge motive seeps through the conversation and makes it easier for him to lie and say you are just some crazy stalker looking to make him look bad. Cut your losses and move on. Or else become exactly the bunny boiler that he is going to tell his W that you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loripuff Posted July 18, 2009 Author Share Posted July 18, 2009 That's the most sensible advice I've heard. Thank you NoIDidnt and WhichWay! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 It would be purely revenge, but is there anything wrong with that? I wouldn't be so upset if he had just been up front with me about trying to repair things with his wife, rather than come over to my house for sex. This is the first time I felt like I was used. He is a pig and needs some consequences. What about telling him that he needs to tell her or I will? He was upfront with you. You knew he was married. You knew he was a liar since he was lying to his wife will getting freaky with you. You knew she didn't know and helped with the deceit, since you didn't tell her before you had sex with her H. You knew that his character was crappy since he was married and disrespecting his wife with you. You weren't used. You knew up front what you were dealing with and the possible outcome of him never leaving. Why wouldn't you expect lies from a liar. If he did with you, he'll do it to you. And by the way, feeling upset that he had sex with his wife....find another reason to be upset, like why you allowed yourself to be involved in a situation like this. He had sex with the woman he is married to for Pete's sake. If he is a pig, you had sex with the pig, how do you view yourself? And what consequences do you think you need? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 Also, if you think telling her is going to give you hope that she'll divorce him and he'll come to you willingly, it ain't gonna happen. He'll HATE you and want nothing to do with you ever again. Lori, take care of you - Be around your friends and family, people who truly care and can help you through this, help you heal and let go. Holding on for revenge isn't worth it. And, it may be something you'll regret doing if you DO tell. Be prepared for ALOT of drama to come your way, you think you're hurting now? The rollercoster ride you're on now will get worse. Link to post Share on other sites
StoptheDrama Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 His consequence is that he can't have YOU. You may be the only one hurt but he obviously is unsatisfied and/or unhappy in his life; otherwise he would not have pursued you. I read once that success is the best revenge. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 That is why I am always taken aback when a BS asks the same question with the same motive and gets a lot of support. Tami, start your own thread about this. Stop is right! Maybe his consquence is, he loses you. And she's right again, success and happiness is the best revenge. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 That's the most sensible advice I've heard. Thank you NoIDidnt and WhichWay! You're welcome. I hope you don't tell. Thinking about it is one thing, telling is another. I honestly believe if you told, you'd regret it instantly because of the fallout and MORE consquences to follow. This is why it's good not to do anything when you're upset and angry.. Once you calm down and think things through, chances are, you're going to feel alot differently and probably be glad you didn't tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loripuff Posted July 18, 2009 Author Share Posted July 18, 2009 Again Bent, I'm looking for constructive advice, not criticism from some self-righteous judgemental Puritan. Spew your fire and brimstone elsewhere. I'd rather be a pig than a creep who takes out their own bitterness on strangers. Find another forum. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loripuff Posted July 18, 2009 Author Share Posted July 18, 2009 Thanks StoptheDrama! I never thought about it that way! Link to post Share on other sites
StoptheDrama Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 You're very welcome, lori! I (as well as the other OW/OM on this forum) can understand and relate to the hurt and anger you feel as well as the desire to hurt the MM in kind. We OW/OM really need to be there for each other and use this forum as it was intended, a support system. Best of luck and boatloads of support to you! (I just love the bunny!) Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 Again Bent, I'm looking for constructive advice, not criticism from some self-righteous judgemental Puritan. Spew your fire and brimstone elsewhere. I'd rather be a pig than a creep who takes out their own bitterness on strangers. Find another forum. IF you don't like what I said, ignore it. It is easy enough to do for a mature mind if it can grasp it. And as far a judgemental, if I were to judge you, Thank God I can't that's too much responsibility, you wouldn't be trying to tear someone else down because of your own actions. You are pissed at the wrong person....look in the mirror. What are you going to do to that person that hurt you. That person so full of anger is the one who set you up for this big fall. BS are always told to put the blame on the WS not the OW. I think OW shouldn't put the blame on the WS(at least all the blame). After all if you hadn't said yes(for over 4 years) you could have him arrested for rape. As you can see this forum and as well as several others are very interesting...ain't going nowhere. Link to post Share on other sites
1Angel Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 Hey another vote for don't do it. Live well and be happy. Show that you don't need him. Move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 It's easy to fall into the trap of criticism (as has been shown here) but the question is a valid one even if it comes from a situation that we may prejudge. Here's the salient point:Here I am hurt and lonely and he gets to just pick up his life where he left off. I want to tell her...so very badly so he can feel as badly as I do. What do I do? It's not fair that he not have any consequences.My $0.02, FWIW, is to keep away. Far away. Nothing constructive can come of telling the BS. The best revenge, it is said, is living well. So live well. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 I don't think you should tell the W, if for no other reason than self-preservation. Since he is (still?) a co-worker of yours, it could backfire on you bigtime in the workplace. For example, the W could go postal and come to your work and shout at you, in front of everybody. Or HE could retaliate, spreading rumors about you - like you're nutso or something. You don't want to ruin your career over him. No man is worth that. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 I don't think you should tell the W, if for no other reason than self-preservation. Since he is (still?) a co-worker of yours, it could backfire on you bigtime in the workplace. For example, the W could go postal and come to your work and shout at you, in front of everybody. Or HE could retaliate, spreading rumors about you - like you're nutso or something. You don't want to ruin your career over him. No man is worth that. Amen. No man is worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 DO NOT tell his wife... how low can someone be.. you knew he was taken.. but you chose to go with it.. you live with the consequences now. It was just sex.. live with it!!! Did he promise you he would leave his W? How could you believe him when he said he wasn't having sex with her.. COME ON!!!!! If the guy swears he's NOT married or with anyone.. then that's different.. but if you KNEW about it.. a whole different story.. Time to move on.. Totally agree with Lizzie! You knew he was married. You chose to have sex with him. You could have said no. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Again Bent, I'm looking for constructive advice, not criticism from some self-righteous judgemental Puritan. Spew your fire and brimstone elsewhere. I'd rather be a pig than a creep who takes out their own bitterness on strangers. Find another forum. WOW You come into this forum, post a thread and then start lashing out at others who respond. WOW two posters who have a LOT of experience, and since you don't like their replies, you start attacking them. Own up to your OWN mistakes and quit crying foul when things don't go your way. Link to post Share on other sites
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