IamASelfishSOB Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 This is more therapy for me than anything and hopefully I can get some friendly advise. Basically I have become consumed by thoughts of an affair. I am a 42 year old MM with children 7 and 10. I have a good wife who is a wonderful person. She is 38 and not unattractive. I have always felt we have had a good marriage. Our sex life is not extremely exciting, but I still consider it good. She is very independent and somewhat of a career woman. We compromise well. We are financially compatible. We parent well together. She is considerate to my needs and allows me some room to do the things I want to do. I have never before been truly unsatisfied with my marriage. Some of our problems include the fact that we are not really intellectually compatible and outside of our familty, have few common interests. She also is not a real social person and would be satisfied with staying home, where I really crave human interaction outside of our family. In my younger years, I would not have considered myself a lady's man. However, like many men, marriage has enabled me to safely be able to approach and make friendships or flirt, if you will, with other women. My wife has always accepted that and it has never really been a problem. In fact, I have a very close personal friendship of over 10 years with a very attractive married co-worker. She and I go to lunch nearly every day. We socialize as couples and vacation together etc. She is friends with her as well, but not as close as I am. My co-worker has helped me through many difficult times in my life and even my marriage. We never have any physical contact and I have always scoffed at the notion that men and women cannot be close friends and point to our relationship. Here is the twist. About six months ago, my small business partnership hired another extremely attractive MW. Of course I flirted and tried to strike up a friendship with her as well. While, of course, I was attracted to her, I truly did not intend for an affair of any kind to result. I had met her husband and thought I would hit it off with him and we could develop a couples friendship with them as well. Well she flirted back and without going into details, she ended up telling me that she was very attracted to me and knew that if we were not married we would be dating. I told her that I was very flattered and that my ego thanked her, but we were married. Not blaming her entirely, but she persisted and I couldn't stop thinking about her and we spent one evening together stopping short of intercourse, not that it matters. We talked extensively after that saying that neither of us wanted to be divorced and that there was really no point in a relationship other than for selfish reasons. Shortly after that, she had a family tragedy and had to leave work and town for an extended period. We talked a little, affirming the fact that it was not a good idea, but we have had very little personal contact. I know that I am not alone in the fact that I was intoxicated by the excitement and euphoria that something like this provides. That night was like heroin for me. I cannot stop thinking about her and our situation. I know I don't love her, this is about nothing but sex and the excitement of new relationships. I find myself approaching other women more frequently and flirting all of the time. I've always been this way to some extent, but it is literally consuming me. The kicker is this woman is coming back to work in a couple of weeks. I honestly don't know what will happen. This situation has affected my work and my life to an extent that I honestly cannot believe. I'm addicted to the rush. It makes it easier to obtain these days because I am a good looking guy and I'm currently in the best shape of my life. Women have become very receptive to me. I know this has to stop, but I honestly love the attention. I think about it constantly. I know it has to do with the fact that I have never looked for or made any kind of advances toward a woman to have an affair. This woman has really just affirmed the fact that affairs really do happen unexpectedly. I just really have to know how to make this feeling go away. I know what I have to lose, but my selfish feelings don't care. I would appreciate some advise. I hope something hits home for me.
norajane Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 I know what I have to lose, but my selfish feelings don't care. You have EVERYTHING to lose. EVERYTHING. Your whole life as you now know it. Once you step into an affair, nothing will ever be the same and you will not be able to get it back. Once you break your wife's trust and start lying and cheating, you will not be the man you are now, and your wife and children will eventually see that. Once you break trust, it is never, ever the same again. You can generate this kind of heat with your wife. Try that before diving into an affair. Start flirting with your wife instead of with other women. Start sending her sexy texts. Call her in the middle of the day and tell her you were thinking about her...naked. Devote all that energy you are devoting to your fantasy about this other woman into thinking of ways to re-light your wife's fire. Make no mistake about it - having an affair means you are giving up on your marriage without even trying.
whichwayisup Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Bottomline - WHAT is more important to you...Your wife and your family or having some hot tail on the side? THINK with the head on your shoulders, not the one between your legs. Another thing you MUST think about (now and again in the future) YOU are putting yourself in situations where affairs can take place. Sure, men and women can be friends, but you're building an emotional friendship, opening up and sharing with other women, when infact, all that energy is being wasted and directed at the wrong people! You need to have MALE friends too and it seems you're much more focussed on bonding and getting to know women. THAT is what is getting you into trouble, and now with this other woman you've fooled around with, you've gotten yourself into a stupid situation that could blow up in your face. BIG TIME. Yes, you are being selfish. (Just confirming what you've said already..) Talk to your wife, tell her that you're sexually attracted to another woman and that your marriage is in trouble. Together you two can to marriage counselling, or a sex therapist to make things more exciting... Seems you have a good marriage and I do understand not having everything in common with your wife, but that isn't an excuse to go take advantage of your wife's trust, betray her in the worst way because you now find this other woman HOT and you want sex with her...It just plain sucks. I mean, how would you feel if your wife was lusting after some guy she worked with and fooled around with him, had sex with him. Bet you'd be hurt, jealous, sick to your stomach...Pissed off too. Do you want these feelings to go away? If so, you gotta not be around the OW, you must keep professional with her. No flirting, nothing. Only work related discussions...Or, quit your job. (IT will come down to that if you knowingly go into this affair now, because once 'd-day' aka discovery day of the affair arrives, your wife WILL ask you to quit your job so you won't be around the OW. Think of your children...Think of your wife...Think of your family, your inlaws, all that you've worked hard for over the years. Are you ready to turn lives upside and ruin all that is safe and sound? Get some one on one counselling for yourself because you're about to make a HUGE mistake that you can never take back. It's bad enough you've already opened the door.
norajane Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 If you want a pretty thorough debate on what happens when you follow your lust into an affair, read through this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t127469/ It's long, but you will see how everyone is affected by one man's selfishness, a man who admittedly loved the flattering attention his OW gave him. In your case, your OW has a husband, so she also would be risking what you are. Let's hope she's a little smarter than you and won't seriously consider destroying her marriage.
bish Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I just really have to know how to make this feeling go away. I know what I have to lose, but my selfish feelings don't care. I would appreciate some advise. I hope something hits home for me. You want something to hit home? Ok...here it goes. Man up and quit being a selfish SOB as your handle suggests. The difference between a man and a boy is a man will honor his wedding vows, and a boy will look to simply stick his little willy in another woman just because it is "new and exciting". And when you cheat on your spouse, you cheat on your kids. I don't care what anyone says about that. So if you are going to be selfish...then at least do the right thing...divorce your wife...do right by her in the settlement...give her custody and let her move on with her life so you can pursue your desire to wet your wick in another married woman who is nothing but a selfish huss herself. Or, break contact with this woman and concentrate on your marriage. Remember...the grass is greener on the other side....until you have mowed it for a while....then its the same OLD grass.
bish Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Once you break your wife's trust and start lying and cheating, you will not be the man you are now. Correction...he will not be a man....period.
New_Wife Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I hear you loud and clear that you want some excitement. So here's a thought: Plan an exciting trip away for you and the wife - sans daughters. Maybe just a quick weekend away in Vegas, or if you have the time and energy, a cruise or something else. Something you've not done before that will put you in a new spot with new excitement all around you. When my husband and I were doing well, our little get aways to Vegas always provided that "new sex" feeling when we were in a strange hotel and knew the kids wouldn't knock on the door from a few states away. Then plan a trip with the family too. Disneyland? Start adding new excitement to focus on and hopefully add some sass back into your life - family and marriage. Other ideas - buy your wife something naughty to wear and surprise her with it and a nice evening out same day. maybe a hotel? maybe quietly blindfold her as she comes into the bedroom and tell her she's yours for the night and you get to have your way with her - then do. Try new lotions and potions, toys, etc. in the bedroom. If she asks what the change is about, tell her that you're trying new ways to spice up your marriage to your forever vixen (or some other term she'd like.) I've never heard of a woman that wouldn't like that.
whichwayisup Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 And I'll add this...There are some things you're not happy about in your marriage, so don't you think your wife could feel the same way? Maybe some of her needs aren't being met either? Hopefully together you can talk, reconnect and you can focus that new found energy into your wife instead of the OW.
Author IamASelfishSOB Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 I'm going to expand on this a bit. I know some of what I say is not necessarily flattering to me, but it is the truth. I honestly don't regret having friendships with women. I also have close friendships with men as well. I can't say that I am not attracted to my women acquaintances, but I had never strayed up til now. The close friendship that I have with one coworker is one that I value above most all the others, save one of my male friends. Yes, my wife is my friend as well, but I'll be honest. She just can't help me some times. She simply doesn't help me through some of my issues, especially professionally. She tries, but she just doesn't help. I will also say that I would never dive into an affair with just anyone. I wouldn't pick up some girl in a bar or ask the waitress out. This woman is practically the only type of situation that this could have possibly happenned. Plus she approached me and if she hadn't I would have never been assertive about having an affair. Like I said before, this woman was attractive to me on so many levels. I liked her a lot, but we were both in the same situation where we did not have unsuccessful marriages, but we were both disenchanted with our spouses for many of the same reasons. She is an intelligent woman and we have a ton in common, but were both in prime condition for a dose of excitement. Neither of us had designs on having an emotional attachment. It's not so much the sex as it is the experience. I know there is absolutely no future there. I rationalized as no one will ever know and no one will ever get hurt. I know, I know. I'm a selfish SOB. I just didn't realize how it would make me feel about my life in general. Actually it has me quite depressed. It made me think about the state of my marriage and made me contemplate my future after my children are gone. I don't like what I see. On the other hand, I don't want to break up my family. Ultimately, I'm not happy either way. I think I can work through this, but I have to say that I find myself contemplating stupid actions at times and quite frankly it kind of scares me. I've seen this woman as kind of a temporary fix for my life's shortcomings. By the way, there is no way I can quit my job. I am a part owner in my business and no one else wants to fire her. Absolutely no one else knows about what happenned between us and she is not going to tell anyone. Unless I can convince her to quit, she's going to be around. I can also say that I will not pursue an affair when she gets back, but my problem is if she does, I can see myself going either way. I know this makes me a horrible person, but I keep rationalizing that by remembering that I am already a horrible person for doing it in the first place. I appreciate the reponses. I have spent some time in Matt's thread. I will make every effort to keep our relationship professional. I know it's a horrible situation to put myself and my family in. That's why I am here.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Talk to your wife, tell her that you're sexually attracted to another woman and that your marriage is in trouble. Together you two can to marriage counselling, or a sex therapist to make things more exciting... This the best advice you'll get here as it accomplishes three things: 1). Pulls your thoughts out from under the rock and exposes them to the light of day. Also makes your schedule and conduct accountable to your wife. 2). Hopefully lets her know the seriousness of the problem. I'd like to think that she'd be sufficiently alarmed to haul your ass into MC immediately. 3). In MC or IC, you learn strategies to both deal with these kinds of feelings and keep the home fires burning. There's not a man alive that hasn't looked at an attractive friend or co-worker and thought "what if ?". There are ways to plow that emotional and sexual energy back into your marriage and reap great benefits (not the least of which is you get to see your children grow up under one roof and set an example for them). I wish you well... Mr. Lucky
Author IamASelfishSOB Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 You want something to hit home? Ok...here it goes. Man up and quit being a selfish SOB as your handle suggests. The difference between a man and a boy is a man will honor his wedding vows, and a boy will look to simply stick his little willy in another woman just because it is "new and exciting". And when you cheat on your spouse, you cheat on your kids. I don't care what anyone says about that. So if you are going to be selfish...then at least do the right thing...divorce your wife...do right by her in the settlement...give her custody and let her move on with her life so you can pursue your desire to wet your wick in another married woman who is nothing but a selfish huss herself. Or, break contact with this woman and concentrate on your marriage. Remember...the grass is greener on the other side....until you have mowed it for a while....then its the same OLD grass. Bish, the tough love angle doesn't work for me, but I hope it made you feel better. I understand you have very little use for people who succumb to temptation like myself, but you really aren't helping me. Thanks for the effort though.
Author IamASelfishSOB Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 And I'll add this...There are some things you're not happy about in your marriage, so don't you think your wife could feel the same way? Maybe some of her needs aren't being met either? Hopefully together you can talk, reconnect and you can focus that new found energy into your wife instead of the OW. No doubt, I have shortcomings. Obviously she is not getting the attention she deserves. I really need to overcome the strong desire to make things worse before I can concentrate on making them better, though. If that makes any sense.
Author IamASelfishSOB Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 This the best advice you'll get here as it accomplishes three things: 1). Pulls your thoughts out from under the rock and exposes them to the light of day. Also makes your schedule and conduct accountable to your wife. 2). Hopefully lets her know the seriousness of the problem. I'd like to think that she'd be sufficiently alarmed to haul your ass into MC immediately. 3). In MC or IC, you learn strategies to both deal with these kinds of feelings and keep the home fires burning. There's not a man alive that hasn't looked at an attractive friend or co-worker and thought "what if ?". There are ways to plow that emotional and sexual energy back into your marriage and reap great benefits (not the least of which is you get to see your children grow up under one roof and set an example for them). I wish you well... Mr. Lucky Actually, I have thought about telling her that I have been tempted. I honestly don't think it will be constructive to tell her the entire truth. In order to do this though, she will require details and names. I really am just not prepared to do that and she will demand it. I am really hopeful that I can work through this without compounding the problems. She has not expressed to me or given me any indication that she is unhappy. This will definitely make her unhappy.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 By the way, there is no way I can quit my job. I am a part owner in my business and no one else wants to fire her. Absolutely no one else knows about what happenned between us and she is not going to tell anyone. Unless I can convince her to quit, she's going to be around. I can also say that I will not pursue an affair when she gets back, but my problem is if she does, I can see myself going either way. I know this makes me a horrible person, but I keep rationalizing that by remembering that I am already a horrible person for doing it in the first place. As a fellow business owner, I can't imagine a better recipe for legal action (on many different levels - Civil Court, Family Court, etc.) than this: You, the married business owner, have an affair with a married acquaintance that is also your employee. Possibly the Triple Crown of potential lawsuits ! Mr. Lucky
norajane Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 She has not expressed to me or given me any indication that she is unhappy. This will definitely make her unhappy. Nor have you expressed to her that you are unhappy. Just because she hasn't said so, doesn't mean she is not unhappy. Reconnect with the woman you married. Try, at least, before you start lying and cheating.
Author IamASelfishSOB Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 As a fellow business owner, I can't imagine a better recipe for legal action (on many different levels - Civil Court, Family Court, etc.) than this: You, the married business owner, have an affair with a married acquaintance that is also your employee. Possibly the Triple Crown of potential lawsuits ! Mr. Lucky Point taken, but I'm not to worried about the employee aspect. She doesn't need the job. Even if she were to get divorced she would be set. Now if I get divorced, I'd be in a bad way. But let's hope it doesn't come to that. I'm going to think positive, for at least tonight.
Author IamASelfishSOB Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 Nor have you expressed to her that you are unhappy. Just because she hasn't said so, doesn't mean she is not unhappy. Reconnect with the woman you married. Try, at least, before you start lying and cheating. Actually, she has sensed my uneasiness. I have shown some signs of a guy having an affair. I just really think she doesn't believe I'm capable of it. We've talked a little about it. You're right though, we haven't really communicated about it. It's funny though, about a year and a half ago, she went through a period of discontentment where it was up to me to make some substantial behavior changes. I willingly did it.
Trialbyfire Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Here is about as friendly as I can get with advice for you. Stop now before it tears your happy little safety net family apart. The security you now know will be a disaster zone.
frannie Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I am a 42 year old MM with children 7 and 10. I have a good wife who is a wonderful person. She is 38 and not unattractive. I have always felt we have had a good marriage. Our sex life is not extremely exciting, but I still consider it good. She is very independent and somewhat of a career woman. We compromise well. We are financially compatible. We parent well together. She is considerate to my needs and allows me some room to do the things I want to do. I have never before been truly unsatisfied with my marriage. Some of our problems include the fact that we are not really intellectually compatible and outside of our familty, have few common interests. She also is not a real social person and would be satisfied with staying home, where I really crave human interaction outside of our family... ... I know that I am not alone in the fact that I was intoxicated by the excitement and euphoria that something like this provides. That night was like heroin for me. I cannot stop thinking about her and our situation. I know I don't love her, this is about nothing but sex and the excitement of new relationships. I find myself approaching other women more frequently and flirting all of the time. I've always been this way to some extent, but it is literally consuming me. The kicker is this woman is coming back to work in a couple of weeks. I honestly don't know what will happen... I know what I have to lose, but my selfish feelings don't care. I would appreciate some advise. I hope something hits home for me. Why do you think the situation with this woman, rather than the others before, is different..? Is it simply because she's reciprocated..? I'd like to know how the conversations have gone between you, because it seems like you're almost putting the 'blame' on her for not turning you down... and you're almost claiming you can't avoid what will happen because you label yourself a 'selfishSOB' who "honestly doesn't know what will happen". BUT... you DO have choice and free will in this. Her coming back to work does NOT have to inevitably lead to sex... you're sounding far too much like this is all out of your hands because of her 'advances' (or at least not putting you off) and your selfish nature. Well that's just not true, is it..? Now some people have suggested the method of coming clean to your W about your feelings, but you're understandably reluctant to do that. At this stage I can't see you doing it, because as you say she'd be unhappy... but also it would stop your flirting games dead in their tracks, you'd probably have to see less of your (platonic) woman friend... etc. etc. But if you really fear that you're setting off down affair avenue with this work colleage then I would let your W know what's happening. But really, I think they key to escaping this situation is to concentrate on your relationship with your W. Reading your description above it sounds more like a 'list of nice, comfortable, average things people assure me I'd be a fool to throw away' rather than anything really positive... those are marriagey-things, rather than relationship-things, if you know what I mean. You describe your "not exciting" sex life with your "not unnatractive" wife who is "considerate" etc. etc. etc. and how you parent well, finance, etc. etc. etc. What I'd like to know is where is the relationship in all this..? Far too much time spent on separate interests, incompatable intellectually and socially... it is no wonder you are feeling 'selfish' ... or as I would say looking for something for your SELF in this life. Nothing wrong with that... but you're looking in the wrong place (of course). You HAVE to improve your relationship with your wife. And you HAVE to stop toying with the idea of giving in to 'the inevitable' (NOT) with this potential OW. Because where would that get you..? You'll end up giving even less time to your primary relationship NOT healing it, not improving it... you fear your future as it stands now..? One sure way to have an even worse one is to neglect your primary relationship. So... get your head out of the clouds and start thinking realistically about where it's all gone wrong at home. Why does your W not make you feel the way you want to feel..? You say (and others have put the emphasis on) sex... buy her some lingeree etc. etc. etc. but actually reading between the lines I suspect that it's more to do with the fact of different interests, intellectual differences, and her 'independence'..? Is she so capable and uninterested in you and your interests that you feel like a bit of a spare part at home..? Just my suggestions anyway and maybe some food for thought. But, from an OW... I'd just advise you not to go down that route of messing around outside the marriage, because as inevitable and exciting as it looks... it ends up being not very pretty for any of the protagonists... AND it will only make things worse at home whatever the outcome.
frannie Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Actually, she has sensed my uneasiness. I have shown some signs of a guy having an affair. I just really think she doesn't believe I'm capable of it. We've talked a little about it. You're right though, we haven't really communicated about it. You need to communicate about it. Maybe not about having affairs, but disenchantment at home, and the need to pull together on the romance/sex/excitement side of life... finding activities you both love that will bring you together. Ever looked at the 'Emotional Needs' thing..?
ohmy3 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I read your post 2 times now you make me SICK! GROWN UP! excuses for EVERYTHING! just so you can get your rocks off. what a jerk! go cry somewhere eles..................
Lizzie60 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 you have been injected by the addictive 'lust venom'... and like you said it's like heroin... highly addictive and extremely hard to 'recover'. Bottom line... you might be comfortable in your marriage but I see 2 possible scenarios: 1) you will remain in your marriage, comfortable with your kids around, your home, your family and friends, etc.... and you will seek outside 'treats' to make your life less miserable... that scenario should make you happy...IMO 2) you will become so miserable in your marriage that you will eventually want out... then you might start a new life with someone else just to find yourself, a few years down the road, in the exact same situation, in lust with someone else again... That seems to be the 'circle of life' these days LOL
Mz. Pixie Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I will also say that I would never dive into an affair with just anyone. I wouldn't pick up some girl in a bar or ask the waitress out. This woman is practically the only type of situation that this could have possibly happenned. Plus she approached me and if she hadn't I would have never been assertive about having an affair. Like I said before, this woman was attractive to me on so many levels. I liked her a lot, but we were both in the same situation where we did not have unsuccessful marriages, but we were both disenchanted with our spouses for many of the same reasons. Oooooh, I used to say the same kinds of things to myself when I was having an affair. I never wanted to leave my husband. Never wanted him to leave his wife. As time went on though and I let the OM meet more of the needs that my husband should have been meeting (but openly told me he was too busy to work on our marriage) I got more unsatisfied with my life. By the time the affair ended I was absolutely positive that I needed someone else in my life and that my husband would never meet my needs and that I'd been unhappy for years. Cheaters re write the history of their relationships to make themselves feel better about their choices. Here's the thing about your affair. The OW?? She doesn't have to see you when you're in your underwear scratching your crotch. She doesn't have to pay bills with you- divide up household chores with you- nag at you to take out the trash- or decide how to raise kids with you. So it's all fun and exciting. Right now you're like an addict. The crack pipe that you're smoking is the OW. It's really a chemical reaction your body is having that is making you feel this way. Not her exactly. She could be anyone and meet the need that you need met and you'd feel the same way. It's about WHAT she's doing, not who she is. Here's a sure fire way to end things with OW. Tell your wife what's been happening. Tell OW you cannot talk to her anymore unless it's professional. That you're going to work on your marriage. Then do it. Get in counseling, visit marriagebuilders. Trust me. You will get caught. Cheaters never think it will come out. When it does you'll be in a world of hurt. You will have also lost your integrity- and the guilt that you feel now will not compare to what you'll feel once you really wake up. I've been where you are and I'm not slamming you because I know how it can happen. Yet I also know that three plus years out of what I did I still feel guilty as hell- and it's not a good place to be. Tell your wife. She deserves to know.
whichwayisup Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 1) you will remain in your marriage, comfortable with your kids around, your home, your family and friends, etc.... and you will seek outside 'treats' to make your life less miserable... that scenario should make you happy...IMO 2) you will become so miserable in your marriage that you will eventually want out... then you might start a new life with someone else just to find yourself, a few years down the road, in the exact same situation, in lust with someone else again... OR 3) You work hard (as marriage is hard work at times, you can't just glide along and hope things will work out on their own), reconnect with your wife. Life is what you make it be and you DO have a pretty good marriage...
VIP Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I think the key question is: What kind of a relationship do you have with your wife? Not in a superficial sense, but are you satisfied emotionally? Remember those days when you fell in love with her, may be find her old photo. What attracted you to this woman? Why of all the women you chose her to be your wife? May be all those things that attracted you to her are still there, but you got used to them and don't notice them anymore? The affair with another woman will be purely physical. Do you value sex with a stranger more than intimacy with your wife? It can also happen, that you will fall in love with her and then you won't be able to feel the same with your wife anymore. And you two will have to continue living with your spouses, because she is not willing to divorce. Ask yourself, if you were to divorce your wife, would it be a big loss for you? You cannot stay in love forever, but is there something in your marriage that's worth holding on to? You are probably having a middle-age crisis, that has to do with raging hormones. But you can overcome it if you are conscious and aware of what is really going on in your mind, body and in your life. You need to do some soul searching, because your life will depend on the decisions you make now.
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