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She still won't give up.


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 4th September 2018, 2:11 PM   #16
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op,whatever you do, please be honest with her. Don't let her think there is a possibility that you two may become an item again if that is not something you ever intend to let happen.


Yes, she cheated on you. Yes, she screwed up, and yes, it was likley very painful. This being said, if you do get back in a serious relationship with her, it's not going to work if the A is constantly hanging over her head.


In other words, if you don't think you can let go of the affair, then it's better to walk away and start new with someone who you don't already have this baggage with. Otherwise, you may end up hurting both her and yourself.



If you both agree to take the leap of faith, then I would suggest you get some couple's counseling. It might help to work through any lingering issues.
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Old 4th September 2018, 3:33 PM   #17
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I don't usually go here, but...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Far View Post
Remember me? Of course you do. I pop in once and a while just for the heck of it. Remember my story? It's definitely somewhere here. I'm the sorry sod that actually made it out of infidelity. I D'd my WW and it was clean, clinical and with little hassle (who am I kidding???)

Well, last year I came on this site and told people my story. My ex wanted to get back together and had been relentlessly pursuing me ever since the D. I asked people if I should give it a shot. I was informed to 'Run Forest, run!' and never look back. Great advice, as it allowed me to cut her completely out of my life and 'play the field', so to speak. Got my mojo back. I actually had no idea how many woman were just available to 'have fun' and nothing else. It felt great for a time. And then I got bored of the whole friends with benefits gig.

Mind you, I hadn't talked to my ex in five months when all this was happening.

Fast forward three months ago, when feeling a lot better and being healthy, she tracked me down to my new place (I moved into a new, lovely house). How did she know? Well, one of my mutual friends ratted me out. It's not like I was running away or anything; I just didn't want her in my life anymore... I think. Anyway, that friend has apologized and explained to me how desperate ex wanted to talk to me after so much time had past (gets me every time).
.
.
.
.

Why did I write this? To update you, of course!

As a bonus, I told OBS and she dumped OM a long time ago.
I don't usually go here, but... what will it hurt to try.

Having said that, do not allow yourself to get too comfy in this situation. Understand, just don't.

And there should not be any time limit on you deciding what YOU want is the long term.

But she is being coached, probably from one of the infidelity sites.

If she can prove that she has really changed and does ALL the heavy lifting, I don't know, it might be worth a shot...
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Old 4th September 2018, 4:30 PM   #18
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If she has really changed and there is still love and a connection, then go for it. Just remember to protect yourself before, during and after. If she loves you enough to kiss your feet in a public place, then that is one h*ll of a display of love. I do wish you well.
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Old 4th September 2018, 6:47 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Timshel View Post
You are so smug.


Two people make a relationship and marriage. If you will have her kissing your feet and holding a sword, this will not work.


Two people respecting and loving each other make a strong relationship.


Good luck.
Hold it right there. I did not mean for her to do that. Hell, I told her to do it absolutely sure that she wouldn't. You think I like the fact that she did that? Nope, mortified and embarrassed, that was me. It happened really quickly. It wasn't as if I was condescendingly watching her do it. I use sarcasm and dark humor a lot, especially to people I don't like. But your point is noted. My post does come across as smug from a black and white perspective.

You actually have a point about the relationship. It might not last due sorely to my inhibition to invest all I can into it to make it stronger. Maybe experiencing infidelity, sleepless nights , losing weight, suicidal thoughts, IC, and a very expensive devorce might have made me a little distrustful of her intentions? Maybe I don't wanna put myself out there like the last time and make it easy for her to stab me in the back again?

And let's talk about respect. I respect her resolve and effort to change. She has done a lot of work on herself and I can actually see the results. That is the only reason I'm in this. I want to see if her remorse is genuine or just another one of her facades in order for me to be like, "Okay, I want this as much as you do". I will take my sweet time with that.

Oh and a part of me still does have feelings for her. Why would I be going through this crap again if there wasn't a glimpse of hope that something great might come out of it?

Anyway, I do appreciate your response.
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Old 4th September 2018, 7:00 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pepperbird View Post
op,whatever you do, please be honest with her. Don't let her think there is a possibility that you two may become an item again if that is not something you ever intend to let happen.


Yes, she cheated on you. Yes, she screwed up, and yes, it was likley very painful. This being said, if you do get back in a serious relationship with her, it's not going to work if the A is constantly hanging over her head.


In other words, if you don't think you can let go of the affair, then it's better to walk away and start new with someone who you don't already have this baggage with. Otherwise, you may end up hurting both her and yourself.



If you both agree to take the leap of faith, then I would suggest you get some couple's counseling. It might help to work through any lingering issues.
We have had quite a few talks and no I actually don't hold the A over her head. I do still feel effected by it but ever since the D the pain is more like a dull ache instead of crippling pain I felt before. SHE is the one who actually initiates a lot of conversations of her A. She says she wants me to process it so that I can get it out of my system and heal more effectively. Couples Counseling is out of the question...for now at least. I will consider it in due time though.

Like mentioned before, I don't know what I want and I'm still taking things slow to see if "this" is worth it. I don't ever plan to lead her on but I'm not jumping into this with blinders either.

You are right. If we do get serious again, then I want her A to be the furthest thing from my mind. She's doing a really good job of trying to make that happen.
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Old 4th September 2018, 7:04 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
Far, have you asked yourself why she’s doing this? Not what or how, but why?

I could make a case that reinserting herself into your life after you’ve moved on is a another manifestation of the selfish behavior that enabled her affair...

Mr. lucky
This is something that has crossed my mind many times. I'm being very cautious with her because you might just be right about that.
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Old 4th September 2018, 7:07 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by aliveagain View Post
I guess you have answered a question I asked you when you were deep in it with her, "is your life better with her in it?" You divorced her, your both adults and you paid dearly to get out of infidelity. If your satisfied that she has been professionally helped enough to considered her a safe partner, there is nothing stopping you from pursuing a relationship with her. Be wise about it though, have a brutal prenuptial in place, one that gives you the majority of assets if you divorce/end your relationship because of a new infidelity. She shouldn't have an issue with that being a requirement of having a relationship with her because of your history together(if she doesn't don't take the relationship any further). Glad you are OK.
Thanks for you words. We did discuss a prenup and she is all for it if we do get serious later on.
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Old 4th September 2018, 7:10 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
I don't usually go here, but... what will it hurt to try.

Having said that, do not allow yourself to get too comfy in this situation. Understand, just don't.

And there should not be any time limit on you deciding what YOU want is the long term.

But she is being coached, probably from one of the infidelity sites.

If she can prove that she has really changed and does ALL the heavy lifting, I don't know, it might be worth a shot...
This is very good advice. Thanks.

She is on a healing from infidelity forum (not this one).
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Old 4th September 2018, 7:12 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
Was the OM a coworker? If so do they stil have any contact.

For this to work he has to be nc forever
OM is gone for good. Yes, he was a coworker. It's very cliché.
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Old 4th September 2018, 8:57 PM   #25
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If you choose the R route it takes two. She nor you can do it alone.

You either go all in or not.

From many I've seen you have a better shot than most. There are no guarantees.

The good thing is you did this right upfront. I've not seen many able to pull it off like you did. So she should know there won't be another chance if she gets this one.

You know her better than us.
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Old 5th September 2018, 12:14 AM   #26
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The short term relationship dynamics with a few new skill sets might be working for the moment. But, the fundamental nature of two people is fairly hardwired. In 5 or 10 years, many of the fundamental personality traits are likely to slowly return. The communication problems, styles, and differences, that contributed to relationship problems before, again will say, are likely to slowly redevelop.
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Old 5th September 2018, 1:06 AM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by QuietDan View Post
The short term relationship dynamics with a few new skill sets might be working for the moment. But, the fundamental nature of two people is fairly hardwired. In 5 or 10 years, many of the fundamental personality traits are likely to slowly return. The communication problems, styles, and differences, that contributed to relationship problems before, again will say, are likely to slowly redevelop.
I agree with this, but only to an extent. Listen, people dont change, we adapt and modify.

I dont think it's a given that the previous dynamics will return. I believe some people, once those behaviors are understood, can be more mindful of avoiding them or limiting them in the future.

My story is eerily similar to OP as many of you already know. Affairs rarely happen in a vacuum, there are contributing factors that are not always entirely on the WS. I think (as in my case) sometimes the BS can realize or understand that they weren't as desirable as a spouse as they thought, not to say it's an excuse for the affair, but you can foolishly believe it wasn't a factor.

OP, like me, avoided his ex. That inability to communicate is a sign that the anger and deep pain is still there, so by extension so is a deep love and connection. Any attempt by her was met with anger and venom. Her persistent along with his inability to truly connection with another woman left the door open.

OP, my advice having been right where you are now, is go slow. Yet, be mindful and appreciate her efforts. She is farther along then you so dont be pressed into a faster pace. Set aside two times per week were you discuss the past pain and relationship. The first one to ask questions and raise issues, the next to get answers and responses. Try to avoid talking about it outside of those assigned times. My wife and I have been doing this for several years now. it's very productive, Dont be afraid to be uncomfortable with conversations, uncomfortable conversations is what keeps relationships strong.
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Old 5th September 2018, 8:50 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
I agree with this, but only to an extent. Listen, people dont change, we adapt and modify.

I dont think it's a given that the previous dynamics will return. I believe some people, once those behaviors are understood, can be more mindful of avoiding them or limiting them in the future.

My story is eerily similar to OP as many of you already know. Affairs rarely happen in a vacuum, there are contributing factors that are not always entirely on the WS. I think (as in my case) sometimes the BS can realize or understand that they weren't as desirable as a spouse as they thought, not to say it's an excuse for the affair, but you can foolishly believe it wasn't a factor.

OP, like me, avoided his ex. That inability to communicate is a sign that the anger and deep pain is still there, so by extension so is a deep love and connection. Any attempt by her was met with anger and venom. Her persistent along with his inability to truly connection with another woman left the door open.

OP, my advice having been right where you are now, is go slow. Yet, be mindful and appreciate her efforts. She is farther along then you so dont be pressed into a faster pace. Set aside two times per week were you discuss the past pain and relationship. The first one to ask questions and raise issues, the next to get answers and responses. Try to avoid talking about it outside of those assigned times. My wife and I have been doing this for several years now. it's very productive, Dont be afraid to be uncomfortable with conversations, uncomfortable conversations is what keeps relationships strong.
Thanks for your advice. I like your idea and I don't want to seem like a jerk to hee because I do appreciate what she doing. I am taking it very slow, but maybe engaging with her more an actually putting more in the effort might be beneficial to us both. I don't want her to be miserable. I don't want her to suffer. I'm not perfect and I don't expect the same from her.
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Old 5th September 2018, 9:10 AM   #29
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I think you have both changed. Not that you necessarily needed to change but this situation has decidedly changed you. Sexual abuse is a very serious thing and tough to work through. I’ve seen people who have experienced that and they’re typically a mess - get into drugs, very low self-esteem, etc.

It seems to me that she has genuinely turned a corner. I know it’s risky for your heart but, really, have you met anyone else you feel this way about? I’d give it a shot, if I were you. I think the things that tore the two of you apart have been dealt with, and enough time has gone by to make a clean start. I think she knows, without question, that if she even hints at cheating again, you’re gone. But most likely she has no interest in that. I think she has truly learned her lesson. Understand that things will be different because both of you are different. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
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Old 5th September 2018, 10:26 AM   #30
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Actually...

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Originally Posted by Far View Post
Thanks for your advice. I like your idea and I don't want to seem like a jerk to hee because I do appreciate what she doing. I am taking it very slow, but maybe engaging with her more an actually putting more in the effort might be beneficial to us both. I don't want her to be miserable. I don't want her to suffer. I'm not perfect and I don't expect the same from her.
Actually... Sorry, but she does need to suffer a little. Did you cheat? Did you go there when things were not great? I don't think so.

I am not saying that you need to be a jerk, but this relationship is and should be forever on your terms, bottom line.

The fact that you are even seeing her is a GIFT that you are giving her. You don't have to even talk to her if you did not want to.

It is up YOU if you want to continue. It is up to her to prove that she can be a safe partner, lets not even talk about marriage at all...
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