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Need Advice about informing other Betrayed Spouse about My Wife's Affair


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 18th January 2018, 3:04 PM   #16
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My wife does not want me to contact this idiot's wife. She does not want to cause anymore harm to anyone (Glad that she is thinking about the potential for harm now)

^^^This says what she thinks of YOU. Nothing. Right now, you are being branded as the ***hole attorney that starts trouble at work and harps at his STBXW...

She is still in limerence and likes sleeping with other men, and definitely not you! Gross.

Sorry you are going through this..
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Old 18th January 2018, 3:09 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by ReallyStruggling View Post
My wife does not want me to contact this idiot's wife. She does not want to cause anymore harm to anyone.
This is leverage. Get a divorce with better terms before you do this or at the very least a post-nup. The reason to tell the other spouse is to end the affair and have another set of eyes on them. Do this now only if you plan to stay with her.

If you’re going to divorce then get better terms, wait until the divorce is final and then expose.

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She just wants everything to return to "normal."
I like the idea of divorcing and shacking up. Divorce might finally wake her up.
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Old 18th January 2018, 3:42 PM   #18
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Thank you for your responses. Not sure where to begin. I have the Other betrayed spouse's phone number and address. I also believe I have several good email addresses. There are a number of sources online that will provide you with this type of information. I used these sources all of the time when I litigated. I am hesitant to approach her in person. I don't need him filing a RO against me. I believe I will send a hardcopy letter addressed to her at her home address. She is also a physician and I know where she works but I don't want to do that to her. This will be difficult enough on her without dealing with it at work. I imagine she already knows he is a POS though.
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Old 18th January 2018, 4:40 PM   #19
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Back on you for a second...Since you are an attorney, are you able to separate all your finances and get things prepared so you are protected either way? Also, if you do get in touch with the BS, does that include any conflict of interest or other legal deal? I seriously don't know and just asking...thanks.
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Old 18th January 2018, 4:45 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by BarbedFenceRider View Post
My wife does not want me to contact this idiot's wife. She does not want to cause anymore harm to anyone (Glad that she is thinking about the potential for harm now)

^^^This says what she thinks of YOU. Nothing. Right now, you are being branded as the ***hole attorney that starts trouble at work and harps at his STBXW...

She is still in limerence and likes sleeping with other men, and definitely not you! Gross.

Sorry you are going through this..
Exactly this

Also says that she's not too concerned about the other innocent betrayed spouse but is concerned about her AP who helped her betray you and your family.....says a lot about where her head is.....come to the light Luke.....
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Old 18th January 2018, 4:58 PM   #21
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I believe I will send a hardcopy letter addressed to her at her home address.
I resorted to doing this as the other BS was being purposely elusive online to prevent a crazy ex boyfriend from contacting her. It didn't work as I expected as the OM intercepted the letter, as I figured he might. It made him so nervous that a couple of weeks later he confessed to his wife of the affair and she ended up calling our home after finding my information online in a business filing. So your wife's OM is likely checking the mail as you suspect he is with the phone. Be persistent as it took me months to finally get in contact with the OBS. All my attempts to reach out to her via email, phone, and letters made the OM finally crack and confess. I hold the view that all betrayed spouses deserve to know no matter the circumstances as it is the morally responsible thing to do.
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Old 18th January 2018, 5:03 PM   #22
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I resorted to doing this as the other BS was being purposely elusive online to prevent a crazy ex boyfriend from contacting her. It didn't work as I expected as the OM intercepted the letter, as I figured he might. It made him so nervous that a couple of weeks later he confessed to his wife of the affair and she ended up calling our home after finding my information online in a business filing. So your wife's OM is likely checking the mail as you suspect he is with the phone. Be persistent as it took me months to finally get in contact with the OBS. All my attempts to reach out to her via email, phone, and letters made the OM finally crack and confess. I hold the view that all betrayed spouses deserve to know no matter the circumstances as it is the morally responsible thing to do.
Might try to send it registered mail....if I am not mistaken, it is a criminal offense to forge a signature and even if he did sign for it....this attempt will really make him nervous....time for you to f with his world a bit....right????
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Old 18th January 2018, 5:11 PM   #23
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It's your job to tell the OBS not your wife's. You're an attorney...you can figure out how to tell her

certified mail or go to their home when he's gone to work.

I hope you've put support (like counselling) in place for your daughters...after letting them know what your wife did.
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Old 18th January 2018, 5:28 PM   #24
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Might try to send it registered mail....if I am not mistaken, it is a criminal offense to forge a signature and even if he did sign for it....this attempt will really make him nervous....time for you to f with his world a bit....right????
I agree and in my case it would have been the next step if I had not received any response.
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Old 18th January 2018, 7:28 PM   #25
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One last thought. I read the same book last night. I doubt she has the inner strength and resolve to do the things necessary for reconciliation. The book outlines the five options that a cheater has available them. My wife seems to be in the "Wants to stay in the marriage but makes no real attempt to save the marriage" or "makes a bungled, haphazard attempt to save the marriage".

I think I will know within the next couple of months how this is going to turn out. I will probably be the one to file for divorce unless she can turn this around really fast.

It is heartbreaking for my family but we both agreed from the start that one incident of cheating would be a deal-breaker for both of us. Now that it has happened, the lines seem a bit blurred but a man can only take so much. I am definitely no wimp. I would have been gone if we did not have kids.

Better get back to work.
Do what is best for you and your daughters.

If your wife is not responding to R at this time read up on the 180. See if parts of it can get a reaction.

The 180 will also help you detach from her if you decide to D.

Keep your daughters in the loop. Do not bad mouth her to them. Ask for their input and advice. Tell them to be honest about it with you. Talk things through with them. Stay strong and kind in their eyes and no matter what happens don’t be a doormat.
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Old 18th January 2018, 8:34 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by ReallyStruggling View Post
Thank you for your responses. Not sure where to begin. I have the Other betrayed spouse's phone number and address. I also believe I have several good email addresses. There are a number of sources online that will provide you with this type of information. I used these sources all of the time when I litigated. I am hesitant to approach her in person. I don't need him filing a RO against me. I believe I will send a hardcopy letter addressed to her at her home address. She is also a physician and I know where she works but I don't want to do that to her. This will be difficult enough on her without dealing with it at work. I imagine she already knows he is a POS though.
If all of these reasons weren't enough to stop her from f+++ing another woman's husband why should these same reasons now be cause not to tell her? That doesn't make any kind of sense. Your telling the other betrayed spouse just how much of a POS her husband is isn't what is going to cause the pain, your wife getting naked and exchanging bodily flu**s with him will. Everything that will hurt her has already happened, your wife knew this before she did the deed with him but that and the potential of loosing you and her children wasn't enough to stop her. She lost her right to object to anything you need to do to protect yourself and your children, she brought the predator into your lives.

She has made you an accomplice by asking you to keep a secret between her and her lover. That to me is the same as choosing him over you and shows her level of commitment. Shut that down my friend, it's you or him and nothing in between. Do not let someone that makes really bad decisions decide the fate of your future, she no longer has that right, that right has to be earned. She showed you where her loyalty stands. Draw your line in the sand and defend it, she's all in or ask her to leave. You and the children are the prize and if she can't choose that 100% then make the choice for her. It all comes down to what is it that you want? The woman you now see in front of you is the real woman you married, do what you need to do to protect your children and yourself. Telling you she wants the marriage then telling you to protect her and O/M's a$$ by withholding the information from his wife, that should tell you clearly where she's coming from. Can you imaging someone knowing that your wife is f***ing another man and doesn't tell you? Do the right thing and tell her. This is not this POS's first rodeo. As a physician she understands STD's, please tell her, she is at risk.

Last edited by aliveagain; 18th January 2018 at 8:37 PM..
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Old 18th January 2018, 9:26 PM   #27
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Hire a PI to personally deliver a letter to her.

It won't cost much and you'll know she got it.

Immediately without warning and don't tell your wife. She is trying to protect him. She'll just warn him.
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Old 18th January 2018, 9:31 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
Hire a PI to personally deliver a letter to her.

It won't cost much and you'll know she got it.

Immediately without warning and don't tell your wife. She is trying to protect him. She'll just warn him.
^^^This guy gives good, no-nonsense advice.^^^
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Old 18th January 2018, 9:41 PM   #29
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So is their workplace going to discipline the OM? I would be surprised if his wife hasn't known about the affair already (especially since both of them are in the medical field).
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Old 19th January 2018, 8:27 AM   #30
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OP,
In your shoes, one of the first things I would do is seek legal advice. Am I right that you practice law yourself? ( sorry if I have that detail wrong). Even if you do, it can be good to have neutral third party hear the details and give you some feedback. That doesn't mean that you are gong to divorce, just that you will have some additional input.

Secondly, I would ask myself the really tough question of whether or not you feel like you can really trust your wife at all, and if you ever feel you will be able to again. The idea that she's wallowing around, stuck in self pity is really troubling to me. Right now, it sounds like she has no idea how much damage she has caused and she is not taking responsibility for it. If asked by someone, I have to wonder if she'd try to blame you/ the om/ her circumstances, the fact that the sun came up one day for the fact that she cheated. If she can't get to a place where she says something akin to "I cheated because I wanted to and I felt entitled to do it", your "happy"marriage is toast.

Third, if she tries to paint herself as some sort of victim of a predatory om, shut that down immediately. Don't even give it the time of day. She's no victim. She may have fallen for his charms, but that doesn't make her a victim of anything, except her own crappy choices. There are many ws who have an affair,learn a lot from the fallout and put in a lot of work to figure out why they cheated so that they will never make that choice again. They accept responsibility. It doesn't sound like your wife is doing that.

Fourth, get some counseling for yourself and your kids. Your wife's actions have hurt the whole family, and healing is needed. If she's still in the "poor me" phase, she's not ready for counseling yet. She may never get out of that stage, but you and your daughters can use the extra support right now.

Lastly, while I can't debate the value is hiring a pi or other professional to check up on her, if you are in a place where you feel you have to do so, I wold really question whether or not your marriage is sustainable. For you two to reconcile, you have to both be all in. It can't just be you.

About contacting the om's wife, all I can say is that if I was married to a man who had cheated on me, I would want to know so that I could take steps to protect myself and my family...not just from hm, but from any ow who might be less than stable.

Best of luck to you and your family. Whatever happens, you'll get through this.
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