Need Advice about informing other Betrayed Spouse about My Wife's Affair

[seren]

Can I suggest that you send a letter saying who you are, what happened (they had an A) then leave it up to her to contact you. I would also say that it is never a good idea to send a letter to the workplace, or photo etc, remember how you felt when you found out, now imagine that happening in work, out of the blue. Same thing applies to sending photos or text messages, let her find out what she wants to know, where she chooses to deal with it, at her own pace.

 

The OW sent me text messages and I burned them unopened, I already knew about the A as my H told me, had I been sent a letter at work I would have literally gone to pieces, work was my sanctuary after D Day, the one place I didn't have to talk about it to anyone. Please don't send anything to her workplace.

 

I hope things are getting easier for you, I am 10 years after D Day and life is good for us both. it was damned hard work for us both, but he has shown over and over how sorry he is for what he did to us, especially to me. I wish you the very best x

[Cephalopod]

I just don't get it. My therapist said I probably never will fully understand. I think that is the most difficult thing for me. I have an insatiable need to understand why things happen.

 

 

Sometimes it's just lust. Good old fashioned lust. You get two people working together in close proximity who find each other physically attractive, and if they have weak boundaries, one step leads to another and pretty soon they are having a full blown physical affair.

 

 

Sometimes it's just that simple. Your WW never meant to destroy the marriage or leave you. She probably had no intention whatsoever to ever step outside the marriage. But then a guy came along who she fancied and she let her hormones dictate her actions. She made a really bad decision to allow this creep to schmooze her and she chose to let her guard down. One bad decision followed another. She was so blinded by lust that she was not even thinking about the possible outcomes.

 

 

That is probably the closest you will get as to the "why" of what she did.

[Buckeye2]

I can't believe she did not think this through. My wife told me she had no idea this would happen. She figured I would leave her.

 

She didn’t think through getting caught because that was never going to happen. She seems to care a great deal about her friends and family so she never planned to divorce you. She even thinks that you would have a great life post divorce.

 

Her plan was to have a guy on the side and grow old with you.

 

She keeps telling me that I will never be able to forgive her.

 

She is baiting you. She wants you to tell her that she’s wrong. Then she will start asking you when you’re going to forgive her. Once you forgive her she will use that to shut you up if you ever mention her affair again. "I thought you forgave me."

Edited January 19, 2018 by Buckeye2

[Betrayed&Stayed]

That is probably the closest you will get as to the "why" of what she did.

 

For me the reason of "Why?" boils down to this: because she wanted to

 

And 99% of cheaters believe they won't get caught

 

The rest is psycho-babble

[ReallyStruggling]

Wow, Jamess1. Thanks for taking the time to respond but just wow. I don't want to join you in that dark place. I'll stay in the light.

[ReallyStruggling]

You're probably right. I don't want to understand why but I know don't ever want to do this to my wife and family. It is a horrible, horrible thing to live with.

[wmacbride]

You're probably right. I don't want to understand why but I know don't ever want to do this to my wife and family. It is a horrible, horrible thing to live with.

 

You know,after reading many stories on here, it really seems like there may never be a way for a bs to understand why their spouse chose to hurt them.

 

AT least to me, that is one of the things that is the most difficult to square in my mind. My spouse, who promised to never intentionally hurt me, decided to do just that. It's ten years out for us, and he says that is one thing he will never be bale to square in his mind either.

 

Almost every marriage/long term relationships has its ups and downs. Some react ( albeit usually unconsciously) by having an affair. Others don't. I don't know why. Weak boundaries, a sense of entitlement who knows?

 

I sometimes think it's almost becomes as if they are playing an emotional game of "chicken". They think they can handle the flirting, the "innocent" ego strokes and take it right to the edge and come back. Sandy, most don't seem to be able to, and their spouse/family ends up paying the price- mind you, a truly remorseful ws will also pay a heavy price too.

[ReallyStruggling]

Seren thank you. I agree with you. I would never send the other wife an email or letter to her office. That would be patently unfair and callous. I have her address. I sent the letter this afternoon. She should receive it tomorrow. I will email a copy to her on Monday as well. I would never send pictures or notes to her either. Again, she does not deserve that. She has my contact info if she needs further info but I will not reach out to her again. She owns what she does with the information. My wife is actually coming around to the idea that she needs to send her own letter to this woman. It would be the first thing I could be proud of her in quite some time (wow, really bad grammar)

[drifter777]

Your WW protecting the other man is nothing more than a continuation of the affair. I don't care who you think is "watching" her behavior at work, nothing will be more effective than having his WIFE monitor his comings and goings. You want her affair to be over before you can even approach the next phase of your mourning. I'm glad to read that you sent OBS the letter.

 

We, other betrayed husbands, know one thing is absolutely, 100% guaranteed and that is she is lying to you about pretty much everything. Her "admission" was only made after you had already figured out she was up to no good. This soon after d-day you are still in emotional shock and trying to get your world right-side-up again. You are in no condition to see her betrayal for what it is and you are very vulnerable to her gaslighting and manipulation. All I will say to you at this point is do not believe anything she says and try to limit physical contact with her. Sex and tears are a woman's primary tools to manipulate men and you really need to start seeing things clearly as you have a lot of important decisions to face in the very near future. Good luck.

 

Please remember, the affair has very little to do with you and your family, it's all about her feeling of entitlement and her selfishness.

Not picking on you aliveagain but I hate this "it wasn't about you" bull$hit. Many criminal statues recognize that "depraved indifference" is a crime against a person. That is to say, what a defendant might claim is an accident can be found to be an intentional act due to "depraved indifference". The reason is that indifference, by it's very nature, is directed at a person. It is intentional harm. End of TJ

[ReallyStruggling]

Alright Drifter777, I'll bite. How do I converse with my wife if everything she says is potentially a lie? I'm not into having marital relations with her at this point because it seems more like sex instead of making love.

 

For those of you who are successfully working on reconciling, what should I look out for? What will stand out? Everyone says actions speak louder than words. What actions? What behavior matters at this point? D-Day was 12/3.

[ReallyStruggling]

My wife is a super intelligent person and is fully capable of gas lighting me. I think my daughters know it to. Unfortunately, I can't rely upon their intuition because I don't want to put them in the middle of this mess.

[drifter777]

Alright Drifter777, I'll bite. How do I converse with my wife if everything she says is potentially a lie? I'm not into having marital relations with her at this point because it seems more like sex instead of making love.

I get the sex part - I'm just warning you about the manipulation that can accompany the sex.

 

When you discuss the affair, challenge every answer to every question. Assume she's either outright lying or minimizing. Make it clear to her that if she thinks she's "protecting" you by lying and/or withholding she is sadly mistaken. Tell her how your mind is filling in the blanks with far more disgusting details than she could ever reveal. Also make sure she understands - really understands - that you will find the truth eventually and every lie she tells you will weigh heavily on your final decision regarding divorce or attempting to reconcile. Reinforce all of this every single time you talk about it.

 

Accept that you will never get the whole truth out of her because there are certain details that she knows you can never find out. Like how she really felt about him and how good the sex was. A very common minimization/avoidance that WW's use is to tell their BH how awful the sex was and how small is dick is and/or he couldn't get it up and all sorts of bull$hit. They believe that by minimizing the sexual component that they can chill you out about the other stuff. The sad truth is that they are usually right because BH wants to believe their story so badly.

 

For those of you who are successfully working on reconciling, what should I look out for? What will stand out? Everyone says actions speak louder than words. What actions? What behavior matters at this point? D-Day was 12/3.

It's too early for you to be thinking seriously about this kind of $hit. If you don't have a counselor, find one and start seeing them ASAP. There are many books about infidelity and you need to start educating yourself so start reading. Others will recommend their favorites - mine is "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. Start moving ahead with those things that will help you heal. Your marriage is secondary right now.

[ReallyStruggling]

Thanks for the follow-up. She has shared all of the details. The good, bad, and indifferent. I probably asked for too much but I would rather know than not know. I don't get too freaked by the details. I've spent 20 plus years in the legal field. It is enough for me to know that she betrayed me. The details just help with the context and help me determine her veracity.

[ReallyStruggling]

I assume the sex had to be good. She would not have done it otherwise. My wife has always been confident in her body and sexuality. I always assumed she was confident in us but obviously that is not the case. It sucks but what can you do? I have never been one to cry over spilled milk. I agree that I have a lot of decisions to make. Many of the decisions will have to be deferred until the future.

[aliveagain]

Have you discussed a post nuptial agreement with her? You now know that if the opportunity ever arises in the future and she thinks she can get away with it the odds are good that she will go for it. She's already dealt with her demons in her affair, second time is easier. I am not saying she will but if you go by the statistics she's a higher risk. You may never know the truth as to why she would risk so much for a known player. All you can do is make sure your bullet proof because most men won't give a third chance.

 

Have you decided what to do with your rings? She more then likely wore them during her betrayal. I would have a hard time with what they represent but I am not you. Take your time before committing to R or D. Make her do the work. Second chances are earned and should never be expected. You caught her, she never confessed on her own and very likely their affair would still be active had you not. They never expect to get caught yet look at the thousands of members just on this site, most do eventually.

[ReallyStruggling]

Honestly, I gave no thoughts to her rings. You bring up a good point. My therapist would probably ask me how far my anger is going to go? How much pain do I bring to her. At the end of the day, the decision to stay or leave the marriage is as much mine as it is hers. I want to be able to live with myself and how I treat others.

 

No matter what happens to our marriage, my wife has to live with the consequences of her choices. Yes, I am suffering to but I don't see how bringing more pain and emotional torment will help the situation.

 

It seems like a lot of folks on this site are big believers in the Alpha Male concept. I don't necessarily buy into this concept. I think men can be kind, compassionate, honest leaders and still be strong. I am 6'3'' tall and a former quarterback. The stupid doctor is 5'7" tall. I could crush him in 12 seconds if I wanted. I don't want to. I prefer to deal with conflict in a more meaningful, and direct way, He and I both have jobs that affect people's lives everyday.

[WilyWill]

For the record, I've neve understood this "she had sex with him because she wanted to" line. Of course she wanted to. The question is why she wanted to. And when she wanted to, why wasn't she able to stop herself, knowing the harm it might cause. These are the questions she needs to address in therapy, whether you stay with her or not.

 

Ignore the alpha male crap you sometimes hear in here. While there's definitely some truth to their theories in that women like strong men, their arguments seem to ultimately reduce to a dehumanization of women. Women, like men, are more complex than that.

 

I would guess that your wife liked the validation she received from a high-status doctor. He's probably well-respected at the hospital (or at least up until everyone finds out). His attention counted for more because of his status. She did things to please him and get more approval.

 

One thing you might want to find out--and this is a deal-breaker for many men--is whether she did sexual things for him that she refused to do with you. This is a common theme in stories about cheating wives. "Ewww, I would NEVER do that." Then you find out they willingly did THAT 50 times and wrote to him about how great it was.

 

Beware, you might not have the whole truth yet.

[BluesPower]

It seems like a lot of folks on this site are big believers in the Alpha Male concept. I don't necessarily buy into this concept. I think men can be kind, compassionate, honest leaders and still be strong. I am 6'3'' tall and a former quarterback. The stupid doctor is 5'7" tall. I could crush him in 12 seconds if I wanted. I don't want to. I prefer to deal with conflict in a more meaningful, and direct way, He and I both have jobs that affect people's lives everyday.

 

No it is not really that... the alpha male thing.

 

And it is not a size thing. It is a survival thing. After you have dealt this this stuff for a while, you learn some universal truths.

 

Nice GUYS ALLWAYS FINISH LAST. Now I am not saying that you have to be a jerk to anyone, ever.

 

But what I am saying is this: A man, knows his worth. He should at all cost take care of his family. He has to be a strong leader with his family.

 

And if someone is doing damage to your family, you have to be able to eject that person from your life, even if it is your wife.

 

So when you say that you or your wife could leave the marriage, sure. But what you need to decide is whether you want the marriage and the woman the betrayed you. Who cares what she does as long as you do what is right for you.

 

So if you want to call that alpha male, go ahead. But your wife does not deserve the nice guy husband right now. She screwed him over.

 

What she needs to know is that she might get another chance but there is no guarantee.

 

Further, she really does not get a choice about how things go and what you do. She can choose to leave.

 

She HAS to quit her job or the affair continues.

 

Does that make any sense. The nice guy days are over...

[DavidJoseph]

Why did you find out on 12/3 and the EA only ended 12/17? Did your wife go underground? Did she not end it with him until you used the shock-and-awe approach?

 

What did your wife find other man attractive? That he desired her strongly, that was it? For other man to be 5-foot-7 and a known horndog, albeit a doctor (status), how is he able to bag so many young attractive women? Where I'm getting at is, how charming is this guy that women know his "game" yet go for it anyway? What do women find so attractive about this guy? Just because there are a lot of people who will do anything for "attention"?

 

I have teenagers, so do you. A few years back there was a speaker at the school for the parents about sending sexts and pics amongst teenagers. The speaker said something along the lines of how it works is a teenage girl's boyfriend begs and begs and nags and begs and nags over and over again for a pic, and the girl says no, no, no, no, no, and no. Over and over. Then one day, the girl is feeling down, insecure, questions herself, whatever, is temporarily vulnerable, and sends the pic. Once the pic is sent, it can't be undone, the guy has it, and the girl's pic is now at the hands of a teenage boy. It seems to me that many infidelity happens the same way. Maybe your wife was vulnerable. I'm pretty sure you had thought your wife was much stronger than you thought she was. Much stronger.

 

I am a few years past where you are and still have issues in my marriage and with my wife, which is why I just registered here. You are the first post for me here. Your wife seems a religious person, a moral person, and does a lot of good in her part of the world. For what you should look at from her is what I call "making amends." It is something like catholic confession, sin no more and do penance. What you would see from her is her reading the books, seeking out why she did this - but she would be doing it herself, and making this a high priority. Like at night, instead of watching TV, read the book. Be interested in the reading, like she can't wait to get through it so she can find out all of the information she needs. Not like she is doing it because you asked her to and it seems a chore.

 

I know you had a shock-and-awe bomb hit on you when you caught her cheating, but definitely you dropped one back on her by telling both of your families and your daughters. You must know by now that your wife was not as strong as you thought, she probably was vulnerable, made some very bad decisions, now she feels she is in a spot that can never recover. Sisters in law hate her, her sisters disappoint her, she has lost her reputation from the top of the pedestal on the statue to now being not even wanted to clean up the pigeon at the foot of the base of the former statue on which was at the top of the pedestal. It may really be too overwhelming for her, and on top of that to still deal with her patients, which as important as a lawyer you could be, I doubt it could be as important as her patients' health. I'm giving you the one-year mentality, yet you are only in the one month mentality. Your anger is white hot, and I get it. I was there. Just keep this in the back of your head. You may have to tell her what she needs to do to make you stay in the marriage - meaning she has to get some enthusiasm in reading the books and implementing the methods she reads about.

 

It might be hard to put the genie back in the bottle, but I don't think it helps that she feels no one in the family will ever want to be friendly to her at all. At some point, if you are going to stay and she continues to improve, you're going to have to go to them and tell them you are accepting her, and they will have to also. If she is going to be your wife, you will have to protect her.

 

Finally, this will sting a bit, but you mention an EA, and a two-month continually texting from a guy who told her how hot she was, how sexy, how much he desired her, and she became infatuated, felt alive like she hadn't since she first met you, or when she was in high school, and she felt "in love" with him and only "loved" you. It probably is true that your marriage had become a co-parent, co-chorer, maybe friends with benefits type of relationship, but you never had alone time. The stuff with the other guy did not involve any conversations about your daughters' grades at school, the money you need for college for the girls, the refrigerator that broke and needs to be repaired or buy a new one, the car needing an oil change - none of that mundanity. With him it was all excitement and him courting her. Remember when you courted her? The girls are at the point where they don't need mom so much, you've got your own hobbies and civic activities, and this guy comes along. The compliments feel fantastic and she rationalizes how this is OK because you don't care that much. After the fact she can see how she rationalized it, but while it was starting and continuing it felt so good it was like a drug, and she lied to herself everyday, "I will end it tomorrow" or "he won't know." If you had made more time for her, date nights, etc., would she have cheated? Very possibly she would have cheated anyway, because date nights in a long-term marriage is quite different than an affair. The overwhelming single-focused sexy and compliments in the affair is a diffent animal than a night out to dinner and a movie. Truth is, you will never know. Regardless, she did it, and it's on her.

 

The sting part is she felt she loved the guy, and furthermore, she has to grieve it. The way you handled it knocked her out of her fog pretty fast, but like most traumas in life, to save the emergency, there is extreme urgency to fix it, and after the initial emergency passes, there could be a bit of lethargy. It's very unlikely she went from enjoying it and wanting him like a drug to not caring about him at all. She probably is smart enough not to tell you about her feelings in that area.

 

I do believe she has to leave that job if he is not going to. After you tell his wife, if he is not leaving, perhaps you should tell your wife that it won't get over the affair and him if she has to see him every day. Even though she is not contacting him and being honest with you, I believe there probably would be a part of her to like the fact that he still is pursuing her. She cared enough about him to risk her marriage and have sex with him, then apparently go underground even after you found out. She should be completely away from him, not even see him in the parking lot everyday. I'm curious, have you looked at her browsing history? Has she been searching him online? Or instead if you look at her browsing history, are there searches for how to heal my spouse after an affair? I find it a good way to see where her head really is at.

[usa1ah]

My therapist would probably ask me how far my anger is going to go? How much pain do I bring to her. At the end of the day, the decision to stay or leave the marriage is as much mine as it is hers. I want to be able to live with myself and how I treat others.

 

It’s not your anger driving this, it’s the actions of your wife.

 

Hate to say this, what is more important right now.

 

Trying to save your marriage that your wife dumped on.

 

Or

 

Taking care of your daughters and them being able to look up to one of you.

 

If my wife had done this it would be over between us. One reason is because I don’t believe someone can do this to someone that they love. Second reason is for the kids, to be there for them. To show strength and how to stand up for oneself.

 

Forgiveness yes in time but that doesn’t mean you stay with someone that obviously is not in love with you. If she was it would have never been the me game for her. It would have been how to help you.

 

Are you sure she wasn’t trying to end the marriage?

 

Sounds like she had it all playout in that direction.

[MidnightBlue1980]

No one has commented on the fact that some woman is going to get to get a letter in the mail tomorrow saying that her husband is having an affair. I guess no one cares.

 

I feel sorry for this woman. I think this was the wrong way to communicate this information. The OP knows nothing about the this man's family. What if the woman commits suicide? What if she is sick? Pregnant? What if the MM beats her senseless? Will the OP be there to get involved? No he was interjecting himself into a marriage he knew nothing about. For revenge.

 

If he wanted to get involved he should have called her up, like an adult. I hope tomorrow when this woman gets her letter, her world does not collapse.

[sandylee1]

What exactly do posters need to focus on the OBS for? She has a right to know her husband cheated...how she's inforned isn't really the issue.

 

We're here to support the OP... not discuss the person we don't know...even virtually.

 

If the OBS receives the letter and starts a thread...we'll support her too.

 

Whatever the fallout is... the OM/MM will have to take responsibility for.

 

I dislike all this scaremongering nonsense tbh. If you're that worried about violence or suicides.. it's really simple DON'T CHEAT. ....and if the s**t hits the fan and all he'll breaks lose... own it...because you caused it. If you cheat.... you face the consequences when it comes out.

 

I'm unimpressed with trying to make the BS feel guilty about it.. as I see at times on here.

[sandylee1]

Whilst there is no turning back... I believe informing your family of your spouses infidelity isn't in your best interests IF you want to reconcile.

 

Telling her family is different...they are blood ...they love her and they will forgive her.

 

Your family don't have to love her. They did because you brought her into their lives...and now she's hurt you..so they in turn are hurt.

 

You may ultimately forgive her...but your family may not and it will forever cause a strain in her relationship with them.

 

I know she caused this...

 

I've often said I'd only tell my family if I was leaving..because they would be fuming with my husband...and he'd be very unwelcome and probably excluded from family events.

[Whatnotagain]

No one has commented on the fact that some woman is going to get to get a letter in the mail tomorrow saying that her husband is having an affair. I guess no one cares.

 

I feel sorry for this woman. I think this was the wrong way to communicate this information. The OP knows nothing about the this man's family. What if the woman commits suicide? What if she is sick? Pregnant? What if the MM beats her senseless? Will the OP be there to get involved? No he was interjecting himself into a marriage he knew nothing about. For revenge.

 

If he wanted to get involved he should have called her up, like an adult. I hope tomorrow when this woman gets her letter, her world does not collapse.

 

Right. Because all of us, the betrayed, are nothing but shrieking violets who can't handle the truth, and the moment we find out the truth, we're going to do something to harm ourselves. OP, this is nothing but cheater speak. Earlier when you posted that your wife claimed that you were informing the OBS of the affair out of revenge, that was cheater speak. No one, not one single person, was ever upset when I disclosed the truth to them. They all thanked me for being the honest person when everyone else around them seemed not to be. This response really pisses me off, the idea that ignorance is bliss. You see, many of us perceived that something was wrong way before disclosure of the affair, and it is a very unsettling feeling. You know something is wrong, but what? Then the truth is made known and it is a release. It may be hurtful, but so are the days, months, years of not knowing what the f*** is going on in your relationship with your spouse. And who is it that is deciding that it is cruel to disclose the truth to the OBS, the cheater. You did the right thing and don't let anyone cause you to doubt your actions.

[BrokeInside]

Hello Reallystruggling

 

I did read the whole thread and i'm impressed by your determination. I'm also interested about the whole kids part.

 

Ive got two kids aswell, but very tiny (1 and 3 years old when their mother decide to cheat and dump everyone) and im thinking everyday : how this thing is going to evolve in few years ?

 

I can't see any scenario where they are not going to hate their mother ? I guess, it's not my problem and everyone should deal with the consequences of their act but i'm concerned about those futur issues.

 

If you decide to divorce, what the girls are saying ? Willing to live with you, the mom ? How do they feel about their mother ?

 

And in a general opinion, should kids be informed about the betrayal of one parent or should we keep them out of these adult issues.