Need Advice about informing other Betrayed Spouse about My Wife's Affair

[lolablue17]

ReallyStruggling:

 

Right now you're focused on the present, and the very near future. It's natural because this is the way to deal a crisis you're in it.

 

But some of the advices you get here, are made for the distant future. What is going to happen AFTER the water are cooled down. So let's assume everybody are relaxed, you and your wife have managed to find peace and a good loving routine.

 

From what i've read, there's 98% chance that your wife will do it again. She is not remorsefull at all. What has she leared?

1. Cheating is easy. No consequences, no price to pay.

2. Beside from a little inconvenience on her behalf, no harm was done to anybody, especially to herself. .

3. You are a very solid reliable husband, you react reasonably, and she can rely on that, you're not a scary man when you are hurt.

4. The only lesson to be made here is that next time she must do a better hiding job.

 

You are so focused on solving the problem, and you're doing a great job, so Hey... your wife can drive like a creazy teenage, can cause a fire in the house, can break the roof, but her husband is wonderful, he will fix it all.

 

If, and only if you were different - If you were really angry, making an ultimatum, making some damages, like forcing the other family to face the cheating.

If you have made some drama, if you have showed that you're unpredictable, that she should be afraid (not physically) of your reaction - This fear, this stress, would have been burned in her mind that cheating is a risky businees, that cheating is horrible and can cause serious implications.

 

But you didn't create this atmosphere. So, next time is on you. Sorry for being brutally honest with you.

[wmacbride]

It might be foolish to you and many others... and to many others it won't be. Each person can decide for their selves which advice makes the most sense. One size really doesn't fit all ;0

 

you are right that every situation is different.

 

Some ws come to their bs, admit what happened and are more than ready to do whatever their bs needs them to do to recover. They have some insight into why they did what they did, and are more than willing to put the work in that's needed to make sure it never happens again.

 

A ws like that is more than willing to do their share of the "heavy lifting", hard as it may be.

 

The ws in the op's situation isn't like that.

[Maddieandtae]

Would it be fair (for lack of a better word to use ,especially in this affair situation) that both the WS and BS are lost in so many emotions that neither know what they really feel?

 

RS's WS could reach a place of real authentic understanding of what her actions created and caused. It may take her years and only RS knows how he will feel and if he feels anything at all about her by that point.

 

She will need to learn to accept the consequences regardless of the eventual outcome.

 

I don't feel RS should do the heavy lifting of reconciliation. He should do a 180 for his well being. I do think from his posts that he will if he hasn't already gone this approach.

Edited January 23, 2018 by Maddieandtae

[BarbedFenceRider]

Some on this site are consumed by their experiences of infidelity. They have congratulated and given support to you as you rage against your wife. You have vilified her to her daughters and to her family. You are forcing her to either completely swallow her pride and in effect bow down to you.

 

People make mistakes. Monogamy is more of an ideal. Over half the population just can’t do it. You two need to figure out if you can truly build an open honest marriage. Move forward and try to leave the past behind.

 

I think you should have been more mature and worked on your marriage with your wife rather than dragging her name through the mud. You had a chance to be Noble, strong and wise. Your actions make you seem weak.

^^the cheater smell is strong with this one...Caution

[BarbedFenceRider]

OP has a couple of easy things to digest...

 

1. The wife stated that she would have continued screwing the guy even after being found out and separated. She probably pats herself on the back for saying this...

2. She tells BH that she wasn't excited by him anymore. And all her friends and siblings were "living the party life:.

3. She doesn't want to be held accountable for any amount of time for her infidelity. And the blame shifting ensues.

 

All in all. There is no remorse, and he is the plan B. Yet again. OP ought to ask her if it's okay to leave this marriage and find another that wants him as plan A. And tell her that his healing has NOTHING to do with her. The narcissism is starting to get really smelly here. If he wants to leave for the day and go hunting/fishing, so be it. She now has NO say. He wants to grab a beer and watch a game...Go for it. She has no right to discuss this. If OP wants to stay "gentlemanly" about this, feel free to say please and thank you. But thats it...You do not have to get **it tested to see if you will cower and bow to her command. Somewhere along the line, you have to have pride in yourself and say, I am worth more than all this....

[JS84]

It's also better to assume the OBS didn't get the letter. Wish I had seen this thread a few days earlier.

 

When you expose to the opposite betrayed spouse you do not do it by email, letter, certified mail, text message, etc. Because you can't be sure that they even received it unless they reach out to you.

 

You either talk to them on the phone or you speak with them in person face to face. Those are really the only ways you should go about exposing to an OBS.

 

I'd give it another week to wait for the OBS to contact you, if not you might have to get more aggressive with tracking her down.

 

It sounds like your wife has been exposed to plenty of people at this point but the OBS is a must.

[igotoverit]

I am sorry, you lost me at you told your daughter's ... um why did they need to know and why am I the only ones who's jaw dropped. Terrible parenting choice. there is no appropriate way or reason to have told them. Your business, wasn't theirs. Your role models not in this together.

[igotoverit]

You guys have kids no? Anyone ???

[S2B]

Any update OP?

[Chaparral]

For the record, I've neve understood this "she had sex with him because she wanted to" line. Of course she wanted to. The question is why she wanted to. And when she wanted to, why wasn't she able to stop herself, knowing the harm it might cause. These are the questions she needs to address in therapy, whether you stay with her or not.

 

Ignore the alpha male crap you sometimes hear in here. While there's definitely some truth to their theories in that women like strong men, their arguments seem to ultimately reduce to a dehumanization of women. Women, like men, are more complex than that.

 

I would guess that your wife liked the validation she received from a high-status doctor. He's probably well-respected at the hospital (or at least up until everyone finds out). His attention counted for more because of his status. She did things to please him and get more approval.

 

One thing you might want to find out--and this is a deal-breaker for many men--is whether she did sexual things for him that she refused to do with you. This is a common theme in stories about cheating wives. "Ewww, I would NEVER do that." Then you find out they willingly did THAT 50 times and wrote to him about how great it was.

 

Beware, you might not have the whole truth yet.

I need to point out you rejected the alpha male concept and then immediately refuted your arguement. Do you not see that?

[JuneL]

Has his wife contacted you after receiving the letter?

[Blueskies66]

I find it interesting that you simply state that my advice is insane. You don’t actually offer any solid reasons for your statement. I just think that they should have tried to solve the problem as a couple....in a constructive way. The OP’s scorched earth approach is irrational. By shaming his wife to her family, for what should have been a private matter, he is treating her like property not a partner. Yes, she made a mistake, but tearing her down to her family will only weaken all of the familial bonds. Best of luck to you OP.

 

 

This is insane in every way. Have you ever been involved in infidelity, at all?

 

Have you cheated or been cheated on?

 

I don't mean to be rude but this is the most foolish advice I think I have ever heard.

[BluesPower]

I find it interesting that you simply state that my advice is insane. You don’t actually offer any solid reasons for your statement. I just think that they should have tried to solve the problem as a couple....in a constructive way. The OP’s scorched earth approach is irrational. By shaming his wife to her family, for what should have been a private matter, he is treating her like property not a partner. Yes, she made a mistake, but tearing her down to her family will only weaken all of the familial bonds. Best of luck to you OP.

 

I have and many others have... But I will go over it for you.

 

In order for the affair to completely stop, and be done with, is to wake the wayward spouse up from the fairytale world that they have been living in.

 

1) The first and most important way to do that is exposure, to everybody. It forces the WS to recognize what they have done, and have some shame about it if they ever will. This is how it is done.

 

2) The other Betrayed Spouse has to be informed as well. Now you have two sets of eyes watching them.

 

3) Complete No Contact Forever: OP's wife broke this rule and he should have divorced her then. This often means one of them has to leave their job, as hard as that may be, tough cookies.

 

4) Don't worry about the kids, they figured it out before OP and they are disgusted, as they should be.

 

5) The wayward spouse is the one that has to do the heavy lifting if the marriage is going to be saved and reconciled. They get to carry the shame and eventually the pain of the Betrayed Spouse.

 

6) No previous issues about the marriage get dealt with until the BS has made these changes. MC at this point is a waste of time and money.

 

7) The WS is the one that has to help the BS heal and recover from what they did to them. Sometimes that requires the BS to sit and listen to how hurt and how much pain they have caused.

 

8) No coddling should ever happen for the WS, that is for the BS.

 

I hope that is enough for you to understand what I said...

[igotoverit]

I am just going to repeat that you lost me after you used your daughters to shame your wife ... who cheated on you.

[BluesPower]

I am just going to repeat that you lost me after you used your daughters to shame your wife ... who cheated on you.

 

Again, the daughters figured it out...themselves. They may have told OP, but I am not sure of that.

[aliveagain]

BluesPower, couldn't have said it better myself with one minor revision on item number one, exposure to everyone that has influence over the cheating spouse. We all know that affairs flourish in the dark and bringing it into the light kills the fantasy allowing the reality of the damage caused to set in. The goal is getting yourself out of infidelity as quickly as possible and surviving it as a pairing or if necessary buy yourself. You can't nice them back into the relationship and there has to be a consequence for their destructive action. Reconciliation is earned and should never be entered into because they expect it. Good post. His daughters discovered their mothers infidelity before he did.

[Chaparral]

I find it interesting that you simply state that my advice is insane. You don’t actually offer any solid reasons for your statement. I just think that they should have tried to solve the problem as a couple....in a constructive way. The OP’s scorched earth approach is irrational. By shaming his wife to her family, for what should have been a private matter, he is treating her like property not a partner. Yes, she made a mistake, but tearing her down to her family will only weaken all of the familial bonds. Best of luck to you OP.

 

It is common knowledge that for reconcilliation to place exposure must be made. In a case like this where she kept the emotional affair going after he caught her it is doubly important. Go to the Marriage Builders website and search for exposure and also exposing to children. Folks on these boards have seen it all. Another must is for her to quit her job or the doctor. This isn’t negotiable. She’s in trouble. Soon her doctor will be seen as an ally against the husband who is demanding progress in her actions and attitude. In ten years on this and other boards, I have never seen reconciliation work when the two cheaters remain in any contact. Never. She blew up the marriage, she has to fix it and own it. After a period of individual counseling they can work on the marriage “problems.”

 

To OP, have you talked to your wife about a polygraph to see if she is telling the truth? A lot of your story doesn’t add up. How has your sex life changed in the last year or two? Since he has only been at the hospital a few months, how did everyone know his reputation.

 

Every thing your wife tells you has to be independently verified. There isn’t a case on any of these boards that the cheater didn’t lie and hide things.

 

A comment on the alpha debate. Alphas isn’t a substitute for ash:::. When you think alpha think “walk and talk softly and carry a big stick.” For example and alpha would visit him at the hospital and give doctor PosOm a quiet and determined warning about consequences for attacking your family.

 

So far your wife is either overwhelmed or doesn’t want to go to the trouble of reconcilliation. R is going to take three to five years with both of you trying.

Good luck

Edited January 26, 2018 by Chaparral

[igotoverit]

Again, the daughters figured it out...themselves. They may have told OP, but I am not sure of that.

 

 

 

If you read his original post, OP mentions how he called relatives before appropriately telling his daughters what their mother has chosen to do. If you return to read that line that then you will understand that is the real problem here and should be addressed. It's worse then the affair itself in my opinion.

[BluesPower]

If you read his original post, OP mentions how he called relatives before appropriately telling his daughters what their mother has chosen to do. If you return to read that line that then you will understand that is the real problem here and should be addressed. It's worse then the affair itself in my opinion.

 

If you read further, then you will find out...

 

As for our daughters. My oldest daughter actually suspected something was wrong before I did. She pays attention to everything around her. She saw that her mother was spending a lot of time on the phone in the evening away from the family. This would have been in early November. She told her younger sister about some of what she observed.

His wife deserves for everyone to know what she did. It is his right to tell anyone he wants.

 

And what if he had told them and they knew nothing. Your sense of right and wrong is way off IMHO.

 

He even has the right to tell his kids if he wanted to.

 

As it happened, it did not additional damage, because they already figured it out.

[DKT3]

I am just going to repeat that you lost me after you used your daughters to shame your wife ... who cheated on you.

 

Kids are small not stupid. While at a young age they may not be able to process and understand the situation, they for sure record it.

 

In our case we decided to not tell our son who was really young. Mistake not trying to inform him in an age appropriate way. Over time he pieced together a puzzle that wasn't totally accurate. Here is the problem, it's how he remembered the events, so now at 17 how do you tell him what he knows in his heart is factual is actually not? The relationship between mother and son is damaged, they are working on it but he doesn't trust her. He left for college last week and my wife has cried herself to sleep every night since. She fears they will never again be close. Affairs never stop giving.

[road]

Kids are small not stupid. While at a young age they may not be able to process and understand the situation, they for sure record it.

 

In our case we decided to not tell our son who was really young. Mistake not trying to inform him in an age appropriate way. Over time he pieced together a puzzle that wasn't totally accurate. Here is the problem, it's how he remembered the events, so now at 17 how do you tell him what he knows in his heart is factual is actually not? The relationship between mother and son is damaged, they are working on it but he doesn't trust her. He left for college last week and my wife has cried herself to sleep every night since. She fears they will never again be close. Affairs never stop giving.

 

Time to bite the bullet and you and your wife take a ride

to the college and tell him the truth in an appropriate way.

That does not mean the gory details. But ask him what he

thinks is the truth, does he have questions, then tell him

the truth.

[igotoverit]

Kids are small not stupid. While at a young age they may not be able to process and understand the situation, they for sure record it.

 

In our case we decided to not tell our son who was really young. Mistake not trying to inform him in an age appropriate way. Over time he pieced together a puzzle that wasn't totally accurate. Here is the problem, it's how he remembered the events, so now at 17 how do you tell him what he knows in his heart is factual is actually not? The relationship between mother and son is damaged, they are working on it but he doesn't trust her. He left for college last week and my wife has cried herself to sleep every night since. She fears they will never again be close. Affairs never stop giving.

 

 

 

Although I appreciate that, I am also a parent and there are some things that aren't my son's business and he knows that. I don't think anything I do in my personal life would affect my son so you should have been able to separate your parenting roles from your personal relationship. Now, it is healthy for a child to see conflict resolved in a healthy manor for a child. Too often, parents blame "society and life'' and too often what is deemed as common sense is actually taught.. So, in my opinion which I expect to receive some negative responses too.. You allowed your personal relationship problems that weren't able to be resolved in a healthy manor, to be viewed by your son and now your son is somewhat affected by this.

 

 

That's your fault and not his.. Having said that, I admit to not reading through this entire thread. I was going to but he seems like he's shaming her and is not setting the proper example for his children.

[aliveagain]

Although I appreciate that, I am also a parent and there are some things that aren't my son's business and he knows that. I don't think anything I do in my personal life would affect my son so you should have been able to separate your parenting roles from your personal relationship. Now, it is healthy for a child to see conflict resolved in a healthy manor for a child. Too often, parents blame "society and life'' and too often what is deemed as common sense is actually taught.. So, in my opinion which I expect to receive some negative responses too.. You allowed your personal relationship problems that weren't able to be resolved in a healthy manor, to be viewed by your son and now your son is somewhat affected by this.

 

 

That's your fault and not his.. Having said that, I admit to not reading through this entire thread. I was going to but he seems like he's shaming her and is not setting the proper example for his children.

 

Sorry igotoverit but just my opinion but when your spouse betrays you over a long period of time, you can't help taking it personally. Being shamed and cuckolded over a period of time takes a lot of deception, lying and meticulous planning. To find out your children are on to it before you elevates the shame you experience, specially when you find your spouse is the aggressor and continues to reach out to the other man even after you bust her. There is no right or wrong way to react because we all handle betrayal differently. This is his post and he has the right to get out of infidelity any way he wants to. You can always start your own thread and pursue your point of view.

Edited January 27, 2018 by aliveagain

[wmacbride]

Although I appreciate that, I am also a parent and there are some things that aren't my son's business and he knows that. I don't think anything I do in my personal life would affect my son so you should have been able to separate your parenting roles from your personal relationship. Now, it is healthy for a child to see conflict resolved in a healthy manor for a child. Too often, parents blame "society and life'' and too often what is deemed as common sense is actually taught.. So, in my opinion which I expect to receive some negative responses too.. You allowed your personal relationship problems that weren't able to be resolved in a healthy manor, to be viewed by your son and now your son is somewhat affected by this.

 

 

That's your fault and not his.. Having said that, I admit to not reading through this entire thread. I was going to but he seems like he's shaming her and is not setting the proper example for his children.

 

My kids were small and found out about my husband' affair through neighborhood gossip. At first, we lied to them, but when they full out ask " what's did it mean that daddy cheated on you" the truth came out.

 

to his credit, he took full responsibility and we explained it to them in an age appropriate way. They learned a valuable lesson that people can make bad choices, and when they do, they need to take responsibility for them. It's a fool's errand to think that kids are passive and never figure these things out. When they don't know the truth, they can ( and usually do) hear bits and pieces and weave that into their own interpretation of a situation, which can be far worse than the reality.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, as far as I can perceive, infidelity when exposed, is never personal but public. By the time the OP got to know of his wife's infidelity, his children already knew and possibly a host of others also knew. Infidelity can lead to divorce and children will be affected by the fallout.

 

Even if reconciliation occurs there is likely to be a lot of tension within the household and children are likely to be affected by it. They will wonder what is wrong and an explanation is very much on the cards. Children are part of the family unit and what affects the family affects them. To try and isolate them from the fact of infidelity is like burying one's head in the sand and hoping the problem will disappear. However, to each his own and if someone feels that they should isolate their children from something like this it is their prerogative. Warm wishes.