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How often are we wrong


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 1st September 2016, 10:53 PM   #1
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25 years of blind love

We have now been married for 25 years with two daughters in their late teens and early 20s. We married young and moved to a smaller city so I could go to a specialized college for 2 years. My wife worked a couple different jobs and fell in with a younger crowd. She would party with them minus me and she even brought a guy home with her once. She became somewhat distant during our second year of marriage and our lovve life floundered. About May of the second year she got a phone call which turned out to be the doctors office advising her that the pregnancy test was positive. She hung up, looked at me, told me she was pregnant and that she would be having an abortion. When I asked why, she simply said that she did not want a baby. I could not recall the last time we had sex, so I was a little taken aback. She had the abortion and we did not talk about it again. Fast forward 20 years and we have two daughters and a cottage on a lake which we enjoyed with our long time friends. Anyway, one evening my best friend is over and we have supper and many drinks. I am tired and go to bed about 11:00pm. Waking about 1:00am I go out for a drink and realize they are both gone on his snow mobile. They show up about an hour later with the machine damaged and claim they were just riding over to another mutual friend's house when they hit a tree. Since our mutual friend was not up at his cottage I asked what the plan was, they told me they wanted to try out his new hot tub.
Dial forward a couple more years and we are at a party at a marina where a friend's boat is kept. I had a few and decided to go for a walk. It was a very dark night and as i am walking off my drinks I see my wife and the same best friend riding a couple bikes to another part of the marina. I was temted to follow them but was side tracked by anther lady who was at the same party. She started the conversation with "you know your friend and wife are having an affair" to which I responded, "thats insane, not happening". Well anyway once they returned about 45 minutes later I said in a joking manner" hey Judy says your having an affair" to which they both just chuckle along with me. Anyway, now I am curious and the next morning notice my wifes underware in the laundry, and the are very wet and getting stiff in the crotch area. I jave since that time been somewhat concerned that perhaps they are or were having some type of fling. My friend at the time was seperated from his wife who he married shortly after we had been married, and both of us were each others best man. So here is the question, am I simply putting unrelated activities together with the wrong answer or not. My friend is well known for his infidelity and he and his wife split a few times over the past 25 years. He has since reconciled with his wife and they seem to be living together more than not. As well we have not seen him in almost a year and my wife and I get along great. So I am not looking to open any potential wounds, but am I actually fooling myself about the possibility or am I just being delusional?
Comments certainly are welcome.
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Old 1st September 2016, 11:08 PM   #2
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Sounds like they are. Sorry to say.

Don't base it on the underwear though. That is not an indicator of sex. Women had normal vaginal discharge which can do that to underwear.

I would base or odd off all the times your wife and friend have snuck off together.

Have tou ever asked her or done any snooping? You don't seem to motivated to find out the truth.
Or angry for that matter.
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Old 1st September 2016, 11:37 PM   #3
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I think if I were you, I would have put a stop to their running all over the place together when it first started.

Second thing is when she got pregnant, I would have had a calculator out doing some serious adding and subtracting because the way it sounds, she got knocked up and had the abortion.

I think you better come out of the fog and wake up friend because it sounds like your being run over many times.
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Old 1st September 2016, 11:40 PM   #4
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Well I guess i am just still not believing it. Yet any actual evidence does seem to elude me. Also, as stated, life is very good for the both of us right now.
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Old 1st September 2016, 11:52 PM   #5
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Evidence shows your wife enjoys male company without you around...and gets pregnant when you don't have sex.

She's never going to admit to anything. You've had plenty of reasons to admit it to yourself...yet you CHOOSE to be delusional about your wife.

She cheats. She lies. You stay married to her.

Do you have a question or are you planning to keep your head in the sand so not to upset the apple cart?

You can call it a happy marriage - evidence shows it's not. Plenty of people lie to themselves every day.

Is this good enough for you to stay?
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Old 1st September 2016, 11:55 PM   #6
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life is always good for the delusional. It's easy to be happy when your head is in the sand and you live in perpetual denial.

Do some actual due diligence and look for signs of her chronic infidelity and you will find it.

Don't ask her, she will just say no and you will believe her because believing her doesn't rock the boat and doesn't challenge your denial.

Actually go through her phone bill and texting history. Hack her computer and her emails and social media. Dig through all her stuff like a CSI guy looking for that one strand of hair that makes a break through in the case.

Pick up a few voice activated recorders and stash them in her car and any other place she may have a private conversation.

Make up a story to leave town and then hire a PI to watch her while you are gone and then contact you to show up while she is getting it on with the OM.

When you decide to accept reality and open your eyes, you will see the truth.
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Old 1st September 2016, 11:57 PM   #7
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you see here is why this is a slam dunk. Cheating is a character issue. She has a character flaw.

You are an enabler that has looked the other way for a quarter of century so you don't have to deal it.

when you are ready to open your eyes to reality, you will see.
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Old 2nd September 2016, 12:00 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jay12 View Post
Well I guess i am just still not believing it. Yet any actual evidence does seem to elude me. Also, as stated, life is very good for the both of us right now.
Evidence doesn't elude you. You are eluding the evidence. You are hiding from the evidence so that it doesn't rock the boat or challenge your delusional world view.

You are in deep denial.
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Old 2nd September 2016, 12:01 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by jay12 View Post
Well I guess i am just still not believing it. Yet any actual evidence does seem to elude me. Also, as stated, life is very good for the both of us right now.
Ignorance is bliss until it isn't.

Check your phone bill.
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Old 2nd September 2016, 12:02 AM   #10
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Hi. What reason did they give for the 45 mins at the marina?

Would you ever go off somewhere with his wife? Like if you needed ice or drinks. Would you & his wife, or both the wives go off together to get it done?

My close (from teenagers) group of friends in England do things like that. Innocently. None of us have ever cheated within the core group.
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Old 2nd September 2016, 12:07 AM   #11
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Jay12,
I think you know that old adage about "denial isn't just a river in Egypt".

Some of us lie to ourselves because it's easier that facing a painful reality. As long as we have our heads somewhere else we don't have to acknowledge a problem and deal with it.

I'm afraid you need to wake up and smell what you're shovelling, and it won't smell good.

You'll need to get some sound evidence of her cheating, as others have suggested, then see a solicitor/lawyer and kick her sorry @r$e into touch.

This is a tough situation but you need to get rid of this parasite from your life before you waste any more years with her.

I'm sorry, I really am x
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Old 2nd September 2016, 12:24 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oldshirt View Post
life is always good for the delusional. It's easy to be happy when your head is in the sand and you live in perpetual denial.

Do some actual due diligence and look for signs of her chronic infidelity and you will find it.

Don't ask her, she will just say no and you will believe her because believing her doesn't rock the boat and doesn't challenge your denial.

Actually go through her phone bill and texting history. Hack her computer and her emails and social media. Dig through all her stuff like a CSI guy looking for that one strand of hair that makes a break through in the case.

Pick up a few voice activated recorders and stash them in her car and any other place she may have a private conversation.

Make up a story to leave town and then hire a PI to watch her while you are gone and then contact you to show up while she is getting it on with the OM.

When you decide to accept reality and open your eyes, you will see the truth.
But wait - he doesn't want to see the truth... He wants to keep believing the lies.
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Old 2nd September 2016, 12:26 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by jay12 View Post
Well I guess i am just still not believing it. Yet any actual evidence does seem to elude me. Also, as stated, life is very good for the both of us right now.
What would it actually take for you to believe it?
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Old 2nd September 2016, 12:27 AM   #14
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You came here for a reason. You're getting the answers. Listen to everyone.
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Old 2nd September 2016, 12:36 AM   #15
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I'm afraid to say - the best friend should be eliminated too.
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