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-   -   What is the best method for finding out? (https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/636441-what-best-method-finding-out)

Cally1975 25th May 2017 11:02 PM

Why is husband so defensive?
 
My husband has been working out of town a lot lately. I do know he is working because his checks reflect it. And it's part of his job from time to time.
Well, my husband is the kind to use his debit card for everything. Well this last trip out of town lasted 12 days. I noticed on the bank statement that he pulled out like 500.00 in cash in one week. I asked him if that was correct and he got defensive. He told me I am not his mother. He don't have to answer to me. Now mind you he used his debit card for everything else. He was so angry he walked in the other room and shut the door. Why would someone get so defensive over a question.

Scarlett.O'hara 25th May 2017 11:47 PM

Perhaps he has something to hide?

Fear can manifest as anger, so if his reaction was disproportionate to the rest of the conversation or his usual behavior, then you should pay attention.

The worst case scenario would be that he was withdrawing money for drugs or sex, but it is not the only possibility.

He might also feel defensive if he feels like he is being judged or criticized a lot. Only you can know if this is a possibility.

Has anything else changed in your relationship recently? Are you generally able to communicate well?

Mr. Lucky 26th May 2017 12:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cally1975 (Post 7322328)
Well, my husband is the kind to use his debit card for everything. Well this last trip out of town lasted 12 days. I noticed on the bank statement that he pulled out like 500.00 in cash in one week. I asked him if that was correct and he got defensive. He told me I am not his mother. He don't have to answer to me. Now mind you he used his debit card for everything else. He was so angry he walked in the other room and shut the door. Why would someone get so defensive over a question.

Hard to answer without context. Most couples have a threshold beyond which financial decisions become jointly discussed. Would $500 normally fall into this category for you as a couple?

Mr. Lucky

Cally1975 26th May 2017 12:16 AM

As a wife I am always complementing him. Telling him how hard he works. How proud of him I am. How good looking he is.
I try to do nice things all the time for him. Pack lunches, lay out work clothes etc.
I was shocked at how angry he became and defensive.
Changes in our relationship is he changed all passwords. He is very guarded with his phone at all times. I couldn't get into his phone if I wanted. Which to me is weird but I guess I am just an open book about things. I never think twice of he touches my phone.

Unforseen 26th May 2017 1:37 AM

Well Cally, I think you already know the answer to that. He got so defensive about it because he has something to hide in regards to that cash withdrawal. Odds are, with that kind of defensive reaction, something he feels you wouldn't approve of.

The other things that you have mentioned are also some pretty big red flags indicating that he has something going on that he doesn't want you knowing about. I can't think of any reason except legal/security why a married couple should not have access to each other's phones, accounts, emails, social media, etc.

I do not want to scare you, but that was about the first sign my WW started displaying as she was getting involved with some people, a few of which turned into EAs. She started hiding the screen of her phone if I came around, never left it unattended, and changed her passcode. That was even before the EAs started and it was because she felt I wouldn't approve of who she was chatting with and the kind of things they were talking about.

I obviously don't know you, your H, or the relationship you two have, but do you think he would be open to hearing how you feel about all of this? I understand it isn't the easiest thing in the world for a man to listen to his Wife's feelings, especially when it regard something he is trying to keep from you. Are you guys in a spot where you can have that calm conversation with him and ask him if you've done something disrespectful? Because the way he got mad at you and seems to be hiding things from you feels unloving to you. It hurt your feeling and probably also made you feel confused and maybe even questioning yourself and your actions to try to figure out what you did that deserved that kind of reaction.

I hope you know that you did not deserve that kind of reaction. I don't care if your a stay at home mom with no income at all. You guys are married and you have every right to know what is going on financially. In a similar fashion you are not his mother. You are his wife and he should be more concerned about making sure you have no reason to feel insecure about him.

Phoenician 26th May 2017 2:01 AM

Dear ,


how is your sex life ?

Scarlett.O'hara 26th May 2017 3:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cally1975 (Post 7322347)
As a wife I am always complementing him. Telling him how hard he works. How proud of him I am. How good looking he is.
I try to do nice things all the time for him. Pack lunches, lay out work clothes etc.
I was shocked at how angry he became and defensive.
Changes in our relationship is he changed all passwords. He is very guarded with his phone at all times. I couldn't get into his phone if I wanted. Which to me is weird but I guess I am just an open book about things. I never think twice of he touches my phone.

Based on that evidence, I think your concerns are justified.

If you take a look at some of the threads in the infidelity section you will find some great advice and tips for how to figure out if your spouse is cheating.

Those who have been through it know exactly what to look for and can offer some fantastic insight and support. I really recommend you take a look and perhaps even start your own thread there too.

I hope I'm wrong.

Cally1975 26th May 2017 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky (Post 7322346)
Hard to answer without context. Most couples have a threshold beyond which financial decisions become jointly discussed. Would $500 normally fall into this category for you as a couple?

Mr. Lucky


We have never really designated a threshold. I guess what concerned me is it was so out of the ordinary. To be staying out of town. Use your debit card for food, gas and everything else you need. Then have 500 in cash on top of all that. It was like an 800.00 weekly spending budget including everything for one man. The out of the ordinary is he uses his card even for a 2.00 drink at a gas station. He never uses cash.

jenkins95 26th May 2017 12:49 PM

Hi Cally

Sorry that you are in a difficult place right now. I feel for you

I'm so sorry to say this but I'm going to go right out and say that I think he's having an affair. I truly, truly, truly hope I'm wrong.

I was a wayward husband once, to my very great shame. Before my affair was exposed, my wife could have written your original post word for word. Time away on business, large, out of character cash withdrawals, guarded with phone, changed passwords.... These are about as red as flags get.

My immediate advice is not to confront in any way or continue to question him. Very likely this would just push him to be more secretive, have his guard up and develop less traceable behaviour.

I would advise you to go into secret investigating mode while outwardly not mentioning a single thing or showing him your worries. Very common techniques are putting a VAR and/or a GPS tracking device in his car.

I know this sounds horrible, but it may be necessary to uncover what's going on. We're here for you and thinking of you and as I said, I truly hope I'm wrong about this. Keep us informed.

Good luck

mightycpa 26th May 2017 12:57 PM

Does it have to be an affair? Could it be drugs or a few nights at the t*tty bars? Gambling maybe? A screw up at the job that cost him some cash? Maybe he was swindled?

He's hiding the activity now, but the way he did it, either he's stupid, or at the time, he didn't mind that you knew about the money.

jenkins95 26th May 2017 1:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mightycpa (Post 7322723)
Does it have to be an affair? Could it be drugs or a few nights at the t*tty bars? Gambling maybe? A screw up at the job that cost him some cash? Maybe he was swindled?

He's hiding the activity now, but the way he did it, either he's stupid, or at the time, he didn't mind that you knew about the money.

Or he didn't bother to cover his tracks because he takes it for granted that his wife trusts him, suspects nothing and wouldn't check up on him. I have been there, I regret to say.

You are right - it could be something else. None of those options you listed are great, but an affair is surely the worst of all.... and sadly, the most likely, I feel.

alsudduth 26th May 2017 1:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenkins95 (Post 7322729)
Or he didn't bother to cover his tracks because he takes it for granted that his wife trusts him, suspects nothing and wouldn't check up on him. I have been there, I regret to say.

You are right - it could be something else. None of those options you listed are great, but an affair is surely the worst of all.... and sadly, the most likely, I feel.


Yeah, I'm pretty sure OP will be back in the next few days to tell us all her husband is having an affair. :( Sorry OP.

preraph 26th May 2017 1:59 PM

His defensiveness says it all. He's guilty. He probably hired a prostitute out of town. A LOT of guys who travel for work get prostitutes out of town.

BluesPower 26th May 2017 2:20 PM

No he is having some type of affair...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by jenkins95 (Post 7322716)
Hi Cally

Sorry that you are in a difficult place right now. I feel for you

I'm so sorry to say this but I'm going to go right out and say that I think he's having an affair. I truly, truly, truly hope I'm wrong.

I was a wayward husband once, to my very great shame. Before my affair was exposed, my wife could have written your original post word for word. Time away on business, large, out of character cash withdrawals, guarded with phone, changed passwords.... These are about as red as flags get.

My immediate advice is not to confront in any way or continue to question him. Very likely this would just push him to be more secretive, have his guard up and develop less traceable behaviour.

I would advise you to go into secret investigating mode while outwardly not mentioning a single thing or showing him your worries. Very common techniques are putting a VAR and/or a GPS tracking device in his car.

I know this sounds horrible, but it may be necessary to uncover what's going on. We're here for you and thinking of you and as I said, I truly hope I'm wrong about this. Keep us informed.

Good luck

No he is having some type of affair...

Either prostitutes, he has a part time girl there, maybe strip clubs, I am not sure. But he is absolutely doing something that he should not be.

He is not very smart about it, but something is going on. And yes MCPA, it is most likely sexual in nature.

Follow the advice of jenkins95. There are too many red flags.

RecentChange 26th May 2017 2:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phoenician (Post 7322379)
Dear ,


how is your sex life ?

I don't think this tells you much regarding if someone is cheating or not. Some sex addicts have very active sex lives at home, and still persue prostitutes etc. While some men go years without sex yet never cheat.

I have known some cheating men personally, and all of them still had frequent sex with their wives


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