Cally1975 Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 My husband has been working out of town a lot lately. I do know he is working because his checks reflect it. And it's part of his job from time to time. Well, my husband is the kind to use his debit card for everything. Well this last trip out of town lasted 12 days. I noticed on the bank statement that he pulled out like 500.00 in cash in one week. I asked him if that was correct and he got defensive. He told me I am not his mother. He don't have to answer to me. Now mind you he used his debit card for everything else. He was so angry he walked in the other room and shut the door. Why would someone get so defensive over a question. Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 Perhaps he has something to hide? Fear can manifest as anger, so if his reaction was disproportionate to the rest of the conversation or his usual behavior, then you should pay attention. The worst case scenario would be that he was withdrawing money for drugs or sex, but it is not the only possibility. He might also feel defensive if he feels like he is being judged or criticized a lot. Only you can know if this is a possibility. Has anything else changed in your relationship recently? Are you generally able to communicate well? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 Well, my husband is the kind to use his debit card for everything. Well this last trip out of town lasted 12 days. I noticed on the bank statement that he pulled out like 500.00 in cash in one week. I asked him if that was correct and he got defensive. He told me I am not his mother. He don't have to answer to me. Now mind you he used his debit card for everything else. He was so angry he walked in the other room and shut the door. Why would someone get so defensive over a question. Hard to answer without context. Most couples have a threshold beyond which financial decisions become jointly discussed. Would $500 normally fall into this category for you as a couple? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cally1975 Posted May 26, 2017 Author Share Posted May 26, 2017 As a wife I am always complementing him. Telling him how hard he works. How proud of him I am. How good looking he is. I try to do nice things all the time for him. Pack lunches, lay out work clothes etc. I was shocked at how angry he became and defensive. Changes in our relationship is he changed all passwords. He is very guarded with his phone at all times. I couldn't get into his phone if I wanted. Which to me is weird but I guess I am just an open book about things. I never think twice of he touches my phone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Unforseen Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 Well Cally, I think you already know the answer to that. He got so defensive about it because he has something to hide in regards to that cash withdrawal. Odds are, with that kind of defensive reaction, something he feels you wouldn't approve of. The other things that you have mentioned are also some pretty big red flags indicating that he has something going on that he doesn't want you knowing about. I can't think of any reason except legal/security why a married couple should not have access to each other's phones, accounts, emails, social media, etc. I do not want to scare you, but that was about the first sign my WW started displaying as she was getting involved with some people, a few of which turned into EAs. She started hiding the screen of her phone if I came around, never left it unattended, and changed her passcode. That was even before the EAs started and it was because she felt I wouldn't approve of who she was chatting with and the kind of things they were talking about. I obviously don't know you, your H, or the relationship you two have, but do you think he would be open to hearing how you feel about all of this? I understand it isn't the easiest thing in the world for a man to listen to his Wife's feelings, especially when it regard something he is trying to keep from you. Are you guys in a spot where you can have that calm conversation with him and ask him if you've done something disrespectful? Because the way he got mad at you and seems to be hiding things from you feels unloving to you. It hurt your feeling and probably also made you feel confused and maybe even questioning yourself and your actions to try to figure out what you did that deserved that kind of reaction. I hope you know that you did not deserve that kind of reaction. I don't care if your a stay at home mom with no income at all. You guys are married and you have every right to know what is going on financially. In a similar fashion you are not his mother. You are his wife and he should be more concerned about making sure you have no reason to feel insecure about him. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoenician Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 Dear , how is your sex life ? Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 As a wife I am always complementing him. Telling him how hard he works. How proud of him I am. How good looking he is. I try to do nice things all the time for him. Pack lunches, lay out work clothes etc. I was shocked at how angry he became and defensive. Changes in our relationship is he changed all passwords. He is very guarded with his phone at all times. I couldn't get into his phone if I wanted. Which to me is weird but I guess I am just an open book about things. I never think twice of he touches my phone. Based on that evidence, I think your concerns are justified. If you take a look at some of the threads in the infidelity section you will find some great advice and tips for how to figure out if your spouse is cheating. Those who have been through it know exactly what to look for and can offer some fantastic insight and support. I really recommend you take a look and perhaps even start your own thread there too. I hope I'm wrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cally1975 Posted May 26, 2017 Author Share Posted May 26, 2017 Hard to answer without context. Most couples have a threshold beyond which financial decisions become jointly discussed. Would $500 normally fall into this category for you as a couple? Mr. Lucky We have never really designated a threshold. I guess what concerned me is it was so out of the ordinary. To be staying out of town. Use your debit card for food, gas and everything else you need. Then have 500 in cash on top of all that. It was like an 800.00 weekly spending budget including everything for one man. The out of the ordinary is he uses his card even for a 2.00 drink at a gas station. He never uses cash. Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 (edited) Hi Cally Sorry that you are in a difficult place right now. I feel for you I'm so sorry to say this but I'm going to go right out and say that I think he's having an affair. I truly, truly, truly hope I'm wrong. I was a wayward husband once, to my very great shame. Before my affair was exposed, my wife could have written your original post word for word. Time away on business, large, out of character cash withdrawals, guarded with phone, changed passwords.... These are about as red as flags get. My immediate advice is not to confront in any way or continue to question him. Very likely this would just push him to be more secretive, have his guard up and develop less traceable behaviour. I would advise you to go into secret investigating mode while outwardly not mentioning a single thing or showing him your worries. Very common techniques are putting a VAR and/or a GPS tracking device in his car. I know this sounds horrible, but it may be necessary to uncover what's going on. We're here for you and thinking of you and as I said, I truly hope I'm wrong about this. Keep us informed. Good luck Edited May 26, 2017 by jenkins95 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 Does it have to be an affair? Could it be drugs or a few nights at the t*tty bars? Gambling maybe? A screw up at the job that cost him some cash? Maybe he was swindled? He's hiding the activity now, but the way he did it, either he's stupid, or at the time, he didn't mind that you knew about the money. Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 (edited) Does it have to be an affair? Could it be drugs or a few nights at the t*tty bars? Gambling maybe? A screw up at the job that cost him some cash? Maybe he was swindled? He's hiding the activity now, but the way he did it, either he's stupid, or at the time, he didn't mind that you knew about the money. Or he didn't bother to cover his tracks because he takes it for granted that his wife trusts him, suspects nothing and wouldn't check up on him. I have been there, I regret to say. You are right - it could be something else. None of those options you listed are great, but an affair is surely the worst of all.... and sadly, the most likely, I feel. Edited May 26, 2017 by jenkins95 3 Link to post Share on other sites
alsudduth Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 Or he didn't bother to cover his tracks because he takes it for granted that his wife trusts him, suspects nothing and wouldn't check up on him. I have been there, I regret to say. You are right - it could be something else. None of those options you listed are great, but an affair is surely the worst of all.... and sadly, the most likely, I feel. Yeah, I'm pretty sure OP will be back in the next few days to tell us all her husband is having an affair. Sorry OP. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 His defensiveness says it all. He's guilty. He probably hired a prostitute out of town. A LOT of guys who travel for work get prostitutes out of town. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 Hi Cally Sorry that you are in a difficult place right now. I feel for you I'm so sorry to say this but I'm going to go right out and say that I think he's having an affair. I truly, truly, truly hope I'm wrong. I was a wayward husband once, to my very great shame. Before my affair was exposed, my wife could have written your original post word for word. Time away on business, large, out of character cash withdrawals, guarded with phone, changed passwords.... These are about as red as flags get. My immediate advice is not to confront in any way or continue to question him. Very likely this would just push him to be more secretive, have his guard up and develop less traceable behaviour. I would advise you to go into secret investigating mode while outwardly not mentioning a single thing or showing him your worries. Very common techniques are putting a VAR and/or a GPS tracking device in his car. I know this sounds horrible, but it may be necessary to uncover what's going on. We're here for you and thinking of you and as I said, I truly hope I'm wrong about this. Keep us informed. Good luck No he is having some type of affair... Either prostitutes, he has a part time girl there, maybe strip clubs, I am not sure. But he is absolutely doing something that he should not be. He is not very smart about it, but something is going on. And yes MCPA, it is most likely sexual in nature. Follow the advice of jenkins95. There are too many red flags. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 Dear , how is your sex life ? I don't think this tells you much regarding if someone is cheating or not. Some sex addicts have very active sex lives at home, and still persue prostitutes etc. While some men go years without sex yet never cheat. I have known some cheating men personally, and all of them still had frequent sex with their wives Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 My first reaction was not an affair. I wondered if it was a night at a casino...or a strip club...or even a hooker. But affair? Do you have a birthday or anniversary coming up? I mean...a $500 withdrawal...certainly could be for a whole lot of reasons. Does he travel to this same place where this transpired on a regular basis? Doe he travel with others? are there women in the group? It could be so many things...but you ask on a forum...and the first response is going to be...he is cheating...no doubt about it next will be divorce the bum Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 I second this post. Well Cally, I think you already know the answer to that. He got so defensive about it because he has something to hide in regards to that cash withdrawal. Odds are, with that kind of defensive reaction, something he feels you wouldn't approve of. The other things that you have mentioned are also some pretty big red flags indicating that he has something going on that he doesn't want you knowing about. I can't think of any reason except legal/security why a married couple should not have access to each other's phones, accounts, emails, social media, etc. I do not want to scare you, but that was about the first sign my WW started displaying as she was getting involved with some people, a few of which turned into EAs. She started hiding the screen of her phone if I came around, never left it unattended, and changed her passcode. That was even before the EAs started and it was because she felt I wouldn't approve of who she was chatting with and the kind of things they were talking about. I obviously don't know you, your H, or the relationship you two have, but do you think he would be open to hearing how you feel about all of this? I understand it isn't the easiest thing in the world for a man to listen to his Wife's feelings, especially when it regard something he is trying to keep from you. Are you guys in a spot where you can have that calm conversation with him and ask him if you've done something disrespectful? Because the way he got mad at you and seems to be hiding things from you feels unloving to you. It hurt your feeling and probably also made you feel confused and maybe even questioning yourself and your actions to try to figure out what you did that deserved that kind of reaction. I hope you know that you did not deserve that kind of reaction. I don't care if your a stay at home mom with no income at all. You guys are married and you have every right to know what is going on financially. In a similar fashion you are not his mother. You are his wife and he should be more concerned about making sure you have no reason to feel insecure about him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pheonixrisen Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 Hi .. I am a bs ..i had no idea my h was in an 18 month affair ...on the day I found out I kept going back to how could I have been that fu***ng naive and missed an 18 month affair and as I was trying to remember moments /incidence of the last 18 month one of the thing that stood out was that I did not pay much attention too then Was him guarding his phone ...i had no idea he had changed all his password (I am not much into emails and social media )till one day I found out he did ...that led to me finding out his affair . This was 4 years ago ...we are in reconciliation his phone or anything related to sm or emails etc...are all open for me to view as I like since the day I agreed to a reconciliation . He has nothing to hide so there is no need to guard his phone and change password 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 My first reaction was not an affair. I wondered if it was a night at a casino...or a strip club...or even a hooker. But affair? Do you have a birthday or anniversary coming up? I mean...a $500 withdrawal...certainly could be for a whole lot of reasons. Does he travel to this same place where this transpired on a regular basis? Doe he travel with others? are there women in the group? It could be so many things...but you ask on a forum...and the first response is going to be...he is cheating...no doubt about it next will be divorce the bum OK but it is not just the $500 withdrawal is it? Changes in our relationship is he changed all passwords. He is very guarded with his phone at all times. I couldn't get into his phone if I wanted. Plus the over the top defensiveness. He is hiding something and that something in the experience of the forum tends not to be gambling or drug addiction or financial worries or an expensive birthday/anniversary present, it usually turns out to be cheating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 OK but it is not just the $500 withdrawal is it? Plus the over the top defensiveness. He is hiding something and that something in the experience of the forum tends not to be gambling or drug addiction or financial worries or an expensive birthday/anniversary present, it usually turns out to be cheating. You could be right...I am not denying it. But God...I just hate that the first thing everybody thinks is cheating. I was not there...I did not see his reaction...nor did i see how she confronted him. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 The bottom line here is that he is hiding something. No one reacts in this manner unless they have something they need to hide. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cally1975 Posted May 26, 2017 Author Share Posted May 26, 2017 Hi Cally Sorry that you are in a difficult place right now. I feel for you I'm so sorry to say this but I'm going to go right out and say that I think he's having an affair. I truly, truly, truly hope I'm wrong. I was a wayward husband once, to my very great shame. Before my affair was exposed, my wife could have written your original post word for word. Time away on business, large, out of character cash withdrawals, guarded with phone, changed passwords.... These are about as red as flags get. My immediate advice is not to confront in any way or continue to question him. Very likely this would just push him to be more secretive, have his guard up and develop less traceable behaviour. I would advise you to go into secret investigating mode while outwardly not mentioning a single thing or showing him your worries. Very common techniques are putting a VAR and/or a GPS tracking device in his car. I know this sounds horrible, but it may be necessary to uncover what's going on. We're here for you and thinking of you and as I said, I truly hope I'm wrong about this. Keep us informed. Good luck Thank you so much for responding to me. Wish I would have seen this post an hour ago. Because I had brought it back up. I just didn't understand the defensiveness last night. So I thought maybe he would be more calm. He erupted again. He told me he isn't doing anything to jeopardize our marriage. That if I can't trust him our marriage is over. If he wants to spend money on something he is entitled. I said yes you are entitled to buy things. I would be excited for you if you bought something nice. What did you buy? He said if I want cash and use my debit card on some things then cash on some things that's what I will do. Then he told me if I bring it up again he will pack his bags and go back out of town where he is working and stay there instead of being home on the weekends. Then he told me if I don't trust him I know where the door is. How do you go about a tracking device? I really hate this feeling. I hate the idea of spying. But my gut is telling me something isn't right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cally1975 Posted May 26, 2017 Author Share Posted May 26, 2017 My first reaction was not an affair. I wondered if it was a night at a casino...or a strip club...or even a hooker. But affair? Do you have a birthday or anniversary coming up? I mean...a $500 withdrawal...certainly could be for a whole lot of reasons. Does he travel to this same place where this transpired on a regular basis? Doe he travel with others? are there women in the group? It could be so many things...but you ask on a forum...and the first response is going to be...he is cheating...no doubt about it next will be divorce the bum We don't have an anniversary coming up and birthday is a month away. He never usually does any lavish gift. He does travel to this same location for now quite often. He has been working there for 2 months and home on the weekends most of the time. He doesn't travel with any women only men. Link to post Share on other sites
Unforseen Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 (edited) Thank you so much for responding to me. Wish I would have seen this post an hour ago. Because I had brought it back up. I just didn't understand the defensiveness last night. So I thought maybe he would be more calm. He erupted again. He told me he isn't doing anything to jeopardize our marriage. If this is the truth then why can he not tell you what is going on? That if I can't trust him our marriage is over. And yet he is not behaving in a trust worthy manner. Concealing the purpose of large monetary withdrawals from what I'm assuming is a joint account is not something that he should be doing. If he wants to spend money on something he is entitled. I said yes you are entitled to buy things. I would be excited for you if you bought something nice. What did you buy? This was a very good statement on your part. You seem to clearly understand that a man needs respect and every now and then should be able to do something nice for himself. But once again, him excluding you from the purchase is not a move that inspires love or trust. Just as he may be entitled to spending money on himself, you are entitled to know where $500 went to. He said if I want cash and use my debit card on some things then cash on some things that's what I will do. Then he told me if I bring it up again he will pack his bags and go back out of town where he is working and stay there instead of being home on the weekends. That cannot have felt good to hear. It sounds like he is making threats in a manipulative fashion in order to keep you from further prying to find out. Then he told me if I don't trust him I know where the door is. Really? An ultimatum like that is really limiting your options. He is acting in a way that is completely unloving and untrustworthy and then demanding that you accept that or leave. I hope it does not come down to you making that decision to leave, but he is not leaving you with much of a choice. How do you go about a tracking device? I really hate this feeling. I hate the idea of spying. But my gut is telling me something isn't right. From what you've been writing about how you treat your husband he should be as proud as he can be to be able to call you his wife. You sound as though you truly care for him and treat him with nothing but respect. I am sorry to hear that things are getting worse between you two. I'm not the best for information for spying on or tracking your spouse. An internet search for various trackers or voice activated recorders might be more useful. If you are concerned enough, consulting with a PI might be better than your H discovering you are trying to spy on him with a DIY solution. Even though this is not confirmed as an affair, he is certainly acting like someone involved in one. You may get some benifit from looking over a process called the 180. At the very least his threats and manipulative behavior should not be taken lightly by you. There are some ideas in the 180 that address self care in this time where it sounds like you are feeling betrayed and hurt. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/understanding-the-180.asp It can't be easy to have a husband on the road for work so often. Have there been any other changes that you've noticed in how he acts or in how he treats you? Have you been noticing any changes in the way you act or treat him? Edited May 26, 2017 by Unforseen Added 180 link... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 Or he didn't bother to cover his tracks because he takes it for granted that his wife trusts him, suspects nothing and wouldn't check up on him. I have been there, I regret to say. You are right - it could be something else. None of those options you listed are great, but an affair is surely the worst of all.... and sadly, the most likely, I feel.Trust or not, one does not leave a huge steamy pile of "this is going to raise questions" unless one is stupid... because the other thing that strikes me is that the way she said it, looking at the bank account is not unusual for her. If you're doing something wrong, the way to keep someone's trust is by not leaving a trail. It just seems like he had no qualms about her finding out he'd taken $500. The only problem seems to be what he did with it. It does seem like an impulse purchase. Link to post Share on other sites
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