How do I get over my affair partner? I love him.

[Conqueror]

I am a married woman. After being a stay-at-home mom for over a decade, I went back to work once my youngest started school. Got hired by a the owner of a finance company who was also married. From the moment I met him, I felt a connection, but I wouldn't go as far as to say it was romantic initially. He told me he felt a connection to me and that he loved me within a month. The feelings were mutual. Our conversations were great. We confided in each other about a lot. He confessed that he didn't love his wife and actually never did. I did love my husband, but had been unhappy for a long time. An emotional affair began. We vowed to never have a sexual relationship because we didn't want to hurt our spouses and our children. He did, however, wine and dine me. He even drove by my house one night to see where I lived and told me about it the next day. We decided that we needed to be together and he started making plans to move out of their family home and get an apartment for he and I. He told me the ball was in my court and asked me when we could be together. At first I said 3 years because I needed time to tell my husband of 10 years and my children and I didn't know how to do about doing that. He felt 3 years was too long, so I said 2 years. Our emotional affair turned into a very intense physical affair. I allowed him to take the lead. He told me not to make love to my husband, and I didn't. He gave me a time limit to tell my husband and told me that I needed to tell him RIGHT NOW. He told me that he had put everything on the line and was honest with his wife and told her that he loved me. When it was time for him to move in to the apartment, he called me and told me that I needed to be honest with my husband and tell him that I wanted to leave. THen, I needed to come home to him. AP's wife called me and stated that her husband told her that he loved me. She asked me to take a step back so that they could work on their marriage. I agreed, but the very next day, AP told me that his mind was already made up and he was ready to go and told me to do the same. He also planned a trip for us, but his wife found out and everything blew up on our faces. He told me that because I couldn't make up my mind, he would stay with his wife. He asked me not to tell my husband EVER, because if I did and if my husband stepped to him, he would murder my husband. (I believe he was just blowing hot air). He and I stopped talking for a while, but he called back telling me that he missed me and loved me. He said that he would stay with his wife, "Not because I love her, because I DON'T! I am only with her because of what scripture (the Bible) says. I am going to love my wife like Christ loves the church." He told me that life is funny sometimes, and that maybe somehow, someway we would end up together. I asked, "how? Your wife is not letting you go." But he said that his wife was not an active person and she could end up getting high blood pressure or heart disease and dying from it, NOT that he was wishing that on her or anything. We continued to see each other. The last time we spoke (May 2015) he told me that he will never run away from love again and that if I could not be his wife, at least we could be friends for now. He told me that love scared him because you can't control it. He told me he once loved another woman, but he was an ******* and lost her. When he got his life together and went back to her to try to make things work, she had already found someone else. He said that when he met his wife, they got married within 30 days and at the time he got married, he still had feelings for his ex. At the time I met him, they had been married for 5 years. He told me that he wanted to leave her so many times before and that he was unhappy. He had planned on taking me out to lunch the following week, only his wife found out and called me threatening to tell my husband if I continued to talk to her husband. Ultimately, I did tell my husband everything. I even thought of leaving him because I didn't feel worthy enough to be with me. My husband told me I wasn't going anywhere and that we would fight for our marriage. He called my AP up and told him to never contact me again, or there would be consequences and repercussions. A couple of days later, my AP called my husband and tried to throw our affair into my husband's face. I was horrified, but my husband told my AP that he already knew everything, so nothing my AP told my husband was a surprise. My husband and I have been through both couples counseling and individual counseling. I love my husband and never want to hurt him again. But almost a whole year later, I am still finding it difficult to get over my AP. It seems he has moved on and is happy. Why is it taking me so long? I once read that it takes half the time that the affair lasted to get over an affair partner. I should be over him by now, but I find that I still secretly desire him. I am so in love with this man still. Our affair didn't even last that long...just 5 months total. I felt AP was my soulmate and he felt the same way. Please don't judge me. Has anyone else had any similar experiences? Any advice? Thanks!xcc

[Samhain]

He said that you should never tell your husband because if your husband "stepped" to him, he would murder him? And that his wife isn't too active so maybe she will die of high blood pressure or heart failure.. I think you have dodged an actual bullet with this guy, he sounds like a psychopath.

 

Sure you can chalk it up to him "blowing steam", but a person would have to lack a severe amount of empathy (It's also completely narcissistic) in order to act as though your husband, after being lied to and cheated on by the woman he vowed to spend his life with and likewise, deserves to get physically hurt and that he is the victim in all of this.

 

Not to mention that after you told your husband the truth, he called him up and mocked him while trying to cause further pain by throwing affair details into his face that he was probably already struggling to wipe away images of.

 

This guy is really wrong in the head. And he's cruel too.

 

I don't know how you will get over him, but what I will say is that this is not the type of person any woman should be entangled with and regardless of what happens with your marriage, if I were you, i'd deal with your emotions and stay the hell away from him!

 

Your husband has shown great courage and a willingness to forgive and work through a marriage that clearly he has great value for. He must love you a great deal If you cannot love him and treat him the way he deserves then you should end it and let him find happiness with somebody else eventually.

 

And just an add on here: If his wife ever turns up dead and it's put down to natural causes, i'd call the cops and tell them to organize an autopsy.

Edited January 4, 2016 by Samhain

[harrybrown]

So this POSOM would kill the father of your children and you have not warned the father of your children?

 

What kind of person are you?

 

Warn the father of your children. You had sex with the POSOM and refused to have sex with your H because this worthless human being told you to do this?

 

How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

 

You need to tell the father of your children before the OM's wife does.

 

What impact would it have on your children if their father was killed by your wonderful POSOM?

 

Wake up. What if your H's OW killed the mother of your children?

 

Your children will be devastated. Stop letting the OM control you.

 

Think and warn the father of your children.

 

I know you do not care about the father of your children, but warn him about this freak that plans to kill him.

 

Good luck to you in this mess.

[TX-SC]

There is a lot negative I could say about you and your POSOM, but lets just look at the facts. He threatened to kill your husband, and forced you to stop having sex with your spouse. This man is not someone you want to be with. See him for what he is. That'll help you get over him.

[Buckeye2]

Oxytocin is a hormone released during orgasm in both sexes but seems to affect women more. It’s also released when nursing and helps a woman bond with her baby.

 

 

Some women start an affair thinking it’s only sex and then bond with their affair partner. If you look in the other man other woman section it’s full of women asking how their other man could just walk away.

[acrosstheuniverse]

There is a lot negative I could say about you and your POSOM, but lets just look at the facts. He threatened to kill your husband, and forced you to stop having sex with your spouse. This man is not someone you want to be with. See him for what he is. That'll help you get over him.

 

He didn't force her. He had no ability to. He asked her to and she willingly acquiesced. The OP has to take responsibility for her part in this situation and phrases like 'he forced her' shift blame.

[TX-SC]

He didn't force her. He had no ability to. He asked her to and she willingly acquiesced. The OP has to take responsibility for her part in this situation and phrases like 'he forced her' shift blame.

 

True. He forced her to do so if she wanted to continue to have her "treat" but it was her decision to make. She has to take full responsibility for her affair. Either way, the guy is a dick and she should see him as such. That will help her get over him. If the roles were reversed, she would be awfully hurt.

Edited January 4, 2016 by TX-SC

[HereNorThere]

When you finally accept that it's human nature to want things we cannot have, you will move past it.

 

In my opinion, every single time you think OM, you're still actively cheating on your husband. If you can't let the idea go, you need to quit being so selfish and set him free. There are plenty of good women and there for him and he deserves it.

 

You are an abusive partner. Go look in the mirror and say that over and over again until you get it through your head. Maybe when you truly accept who you are, you can make positive changes.

[HereNorThere]

And I seriously lol'd at the "he's going to love like Christ" part. Quick, someone get me a cross and some nails. This should be kind of fun.

[Horton]

Any advice?

 

Yes, use paragraphs...

 

Seriously though, I don't know what kind of advice anybody could give you that's gonna make you stop loving this creep. You did the right thing by confessing to your husband, so I'll commend you for that. Could you be more specific in what you're actually looking for?

[road]

So do you still work with the OM?

[Marc878]

Read what you wrote about OM. Pretend it's a friend of yours that's seeing him.

 

What would you advise her?

 

From your post this guy is a lunatic. He's married having an affair with a married woman and quoting the bible out of the other side of him mouth.

 

Threatening crazy things. Calling up the BH, etc.

 

Step back and take a long, good look. It lunacy!!!!!

 

Can you not see?

[Horton]

My husband told me I wasn't going anywhere and that we would fight for our marriage. He called my AP up and told him to never contact me again, or there would be consequences and repercussions. A couple of days later, my AP called my husband and tried to throw our affair into my husband's face. I was horrified, but my husband told my AP that he already knew everything, so nothing my AP told my husband was a surprise. My husband and I have been through both couples counseling and individual counseling. I love my husband and never want to hurt him again. But almost a whole year later, I am still finding it difficult to get over my AP. It seems he has moved on and is happy. Why is it taking me so long? I once read that it takes half the time that the affair lasted to get over an affair partner. I should be over him by now, but I find that I still secretly desire him. I am so in love with this man still. Our affair didn't even last that long...just 5 months total. I felt AP was my soulmate and he felt the same way. Please don't judge me. Has anyone else had any similar experiences? Any advice? Thanks!xcc

 

On second thought I do have one piece of advice for you. If you haven't already, tell your husband what you said on here. That you're still in love with your affair partner, tell him that the man that you cheated on him with, that very same man that called him up and had a good laugh at his expense after f'n his wife and the mother of his children is actually your soul mate and he's the one you desire. Tell him that this is who you truly are and advise him to find somebody that loves him the way a wife ought to love her husband. Let him decide from there if he still wants to remain your backup plan. If he does then so be it, if not then maybe he can find him a woman that wants him and nobody else.

[66Charger]

I think you know who you should be with and it is not your Husband. Your husband is your second choice.

Your AP said he would kill your husband. ..and you still are in love with him.

Your AP told you to stop having sex with your H. And you stopped.

Your AP laughed in your husbands face. Disrespected your H. And you still desire him.

 

Have mercy on your Husband and free him. You will only torture your husband, even if silently. He doesnt deserve your disrespect. Love him as the father of your children, but leave him.

 

It will hurt your husband, but in the long run, its for his own good.

 

Read what you wrote. That is your truth.

 

Do not try and save this marriage. It is a lie.

[Conqueror]

Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it. I really do love my husband and don't want my marriage to end. We also have beautiful children together. I love my family. I am going to continue to work on myself and look deep inside and find out why on earth I would be attracted to someone like that. Truth be told, I really did think that AP and I would end up together. Initially he seemed so supportive of my dreams me aspirations when my husband did not. Initially my husband didn't care about me having a job or any kind of career. He just wanted me to stay home and care for him and our children but I also grew board as a result. I felt I couldn't thrive and I had no outlet. I felt life was passing me by. I didn't feel important to him. We never went out on dates or anything as he didn't see the need. But when AP starting wining and dining and planning trips for us...when we would meet for lunch to discuss my goals so that we could devise a plan for those goals to come into fruition, I was beside myself. My husband and I had never done that in our years of being together. I am not making excuses at all. Also, to be honest I did see many red flags in the beginning now that I look back, but I chalked it up to him just "talking crazy," or he didn't mean it. He once told me that he had such a relationship with God that he would wake up speaking in tongues. My head tells me that he and I should not be together and that I should run from him. On the outside, it looks like I have done just that. Just waiting for my heart to catch up. I am so stupid!

[Clay]

I personally just think you should tell your husband so he can choose for himself if he wants to stay married. He deserves a chance to find someone that wont do this to him. He also deserves to know the OM threatened.

 

C

[Bryanp]

Your husband sounds like such a remarkable man.

I do hope that the both of you have been tested for STD's.

[66Charger]

The worst kind of cheater is one who doesnt learn the lesson. The husband was threatened with death, and look how casual she took it. This one would cheat again if the OM calls.

Edited January 5, 2016 by 66Charger

[HereNorThere]

If you really, truly want to get over your affair partner, you have to fight for it. It's like any other addiction: smoking, drugs, alcohol, food, etc. You have to actively force those thoughts out your head. You have to reassociate those experiences with negative feelings.

 

Ever see a hard core drug addict and wonder "why don't they just stop?" That's the way everyone else sees your situation. It's obvious you're addicted to something that's absolutely horrible for you. You feed the addiction with the thoughts, longing and fantasies. Fight those thoughts and force them out of your head. Replace them with thoughts of your family and their well-being. Minute by minute, thought by thought challenge those feelings.

 

Also, know the difference between grief and general sadness/depression. You've experienced a few losses. The loss of a couple relationships, the loss of your self respect and the loss of the stability of your life. You're going to feel kinda crappy and emotional for a while. Don't mistake that for "needing" this other guy. I can assure you that whatever short term relief he could provide you will only prolong the withdrawal. He is your opiate, your heroin and will kill you just the same.

[Tayla]

accept that you are where you are... still pining away. I would suggest that your counseling is not working... sad really since your hubby is a victim of your actions.

contact a lawyer, you need to make plans for this family. They deserve a healthy environment not an adult secretly suffering for her true love.

As someone suggested, come clean completely. Surprised that the counselor did not suggest that. What has your counselor directed you to consider? Love does not tolerate inappropriate behavior, I'd question your hubby why even stay when you have chosen to smear the vows and continue such?

[Conqueror]

I personally just think you should tell your husband so he can choose for himself if he wants to stay married. He deserves a chance to find someone that wont do this to him. He also deserves to know the OM threatened.

 

C

 

Oh he knows what AP said. I told him everything. My husband thinks this guy is all talk no action. He talks a bunch of crap, but I don't think he will step to a man.

[Conqueror]

Your husband sounds like such a remarkable man.

I do hope that the both of you have been tested for STD's.

 

Yes, I absolutely got tested for STD's. In fact, when I told AP that I was going to get tested, he tried to stop me from doing it stating that he has no STD's and never cheated on his wife prior to me. He even tried to say that if I tested positive, it would be because my husband must have been cheating and transmitted something to me. I knew this wasn't the case. Because AP was so adamant about me not getting tested, I became nervous and was even more determined to do so. Thankfully, all of my tests came back negative.

[Mrs. John Adams]

If you have told your husband EVERYTHING...then the choice to reconcile is his and not yours.

 

If he decides to give you a second chance...which you do NOT deserve....then you should be willing to do whatever he needs to make the reconciliation happen....and that includes giving up your lover.

 

If you are NOT willing to give up your lover.....then reconciliation is of course off the table.

 

I am an advocate for reconciliation....but it is not feasible if you still want the other man.

 

Reconciliation is difficult...and if you still have feelings for the other man....there is no point in trying.

[Ms. Faust]

Wow, your AP sounds psychotic. He threatened to murder your husband and talks religious mumbo jumbo. Can I ask how you can possibly love someone who sounds so unhinged?

[Conqueror]

The worst kind of cheater is one who doesnt learn the lesson. The husband was threatened with death, and look how casual she took it. This one would cheat again if the OM calls.

 

I appreciate your comment. I did learn my lesson...in more ways than one. I would never want to hurt my husband again in that manner. I am totally committed to him. I just don't want to think about AP again.