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Why can't you be friends with an ex affair partner?


october87

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ok first off I am not saying I want to or plan to be friends with my exAP. I know that shipped sailed long ago and isn't possible. However I don't understand WHY you can't go back to being "just friends" if you were friends before the line was crossed. And what do you consider a person who used to be a friend but now that lines were crossed they can't be "just a friend" anymore, so what are they now? What category do they fit if they are no longer a friend? My exAP basically told me he can't handle being friends because I know we are more than that... and he seemed upset that I don't think we are more than friends, he said being friends with me is too tempting for him...but I feel that I could be just friend, I get turned off from people (men) very quickly once I am done with them. I have exes from the past who i chat with sometimes and I feel absolutely nothing. But once I am done and turned off, then that's all she wrote...

 

Also do you need to block someone if neither one of you is reaching out to the other?...seems like overkill if both parties are moving on

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Because it still a way of hanging on to the affair. It may be just emotional but it is still an affair and a betrayal to your relationship with your boyfriend. Also based on your other thread, you are far from over the OM seeing as you were only posting a few days ago about how much you miss him, etc. you are using the "let's just be friends" line because it gives you the opportunity to fully restart the affair that NC would not give you.

 

As a fWS, I know the self-justifications that get used and you are using them.

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ok first off I am not saying I want to or plan to be friends with my exAP. I know that shipped sailed long ago and isn't possible. However I don't understand WHY you can't go back to being "just friends" if you were friends before the line was crossed. And what do you consider a person who used to be a friend but now that lines were crossed they can't be "just a friend" anymore, so what are they now? What category do they fit if they are no longer a friend? My exAP basically told me he can't handle being friends because I know we are more than that... and he seemed upset that I don't think we are more than friends, he said being friends with me is too tempting for him...but I feel that I could be just friend, I get turned off from people (men) very quickly once I am done with them. I have exes from the past who i chat with sometimes and I feel absolutely nothing. But once I am done and turned off, then that's all she wrote...

 

Also do you need to block someone if neither one of you is reaching out to the other?...seems like overkill if both parties are moving on

 

This would be another slap in the face to the BS. While getting beat down already by their spouses affair wouldn't you think they would want their spouse to want nothing to do with the person who helped aid their spouse in bringing their family to the brink of collapse? It is completely disrespectful in my opinion. Apart from that there would be obvious lingering attractions between both parties. If you both had trouble maintaining a boundary the first time what would prevent it from happening a second time?

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Because it still a way of hanging on to the affair. It may be just emotional but it is still an affair and a betrayal to your relationship with your boyfriend. Also based on your other thread, you are far from over the OM seeing as you were only posting a few days ago about how much you miss him, etc. you are using the "let's just be friends" line because it gives you the opportunity to fully restart the affair that NC would not give you.

 

As a fWS, I know the self-justifications that get used and you are using them.

Incorrect. I never told him let's just be friends to keep contact. We are not friends and we are not in contact and haven't been for a couple weeks. Yes I miss him (moreso what he gave me) but I do not and will not be with him like that again. My other thread clearly states I do not want him AT ALL and I ran him off purposefully. I just happen to think I could be friends because I get turned off very quickly. Also I miss the fantasy of my OM and the fantasy world...I do not miss the reality of him.

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If you can get to a point where you can all sit in the same room as your MM, his wife, and all his friends and everyone knows about your affair, and everyone can enjoy some barbecued steaks together - then by all means, you guys can be friends.

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This would be another slap in the face to the BS. While getting beat down already by their spouses affair wouldn't you think they would want their spouse to want nothing to do with the person who helped aid their spouse in bringing their family to the brink of collapse? It is completely disrespectful in my opinion. Apart from that there would be obvious lingering attractions between both parties. If you both had trouble maintaining a boundary the first time what would prevent it from happening a second time?

Good point and actually answers my question for a reason why. I totally agree with the slap to the BS face again. The reason this got me asking was because I was still referring to exAP as friend (didn't know what else to call him) and sister flat out told me "He is not your friend". So then I thoguht why and what exactly is he then?

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I'm not in the camp that AP's can never be friends in the future. It really is dependent on each relationship dynamic.

 

After reading your back story you are not in the category of being able to be 'just friends' with your AP. The reason I say that is because he fulfills things your husband can't. That will never change. You will keep seeking him out for those validations. Secondly, and just as important, you are not over this affair yet. 7 days ago you started a thread talking about how much your miss AP.

 

You also said you lied to him, you future faked him, etc.. What kind of friendship is there really? Doesn't sound like a very healthy one, if there really is any friendship bond at all.

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If you can get to a point where you can all sit in the same room as your MM, his wife, and all his friends and everyone knows about your affair, and everyone can enjoy some barbecued steaks together - then by all means, you guys can be friends.

Well he was separated from his wife and she was moved out during so I don't count that as an affair. Now I was in an 8 year relationship at the time so for me it was an affair. I don't consider myself an OW technically because his wife did know about our friendship and did confirm their separation, but he was def my OM.

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So then I thoguht why and what exactly is he then?

 

You answered your own question in the thread title: ex affair partner.

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If you can get to a point where you can all sit in the same room as your MM, his wife, and all his friends and everyone knows about your affair, and everyone can enjoy some barbecued steaks together - then by all means, you guys can be friends.

i don't see why he needs to confess anything to his family seeing as he wasn't cheating and his wife knew. He considers me a friend to his family and has told his wife he considers me a good friend as well but he told me it was more than friendship which i don't exactly agree, my feelings are dying fast.

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Well he was separated from his wife and she was moved out during so I don't count that as an affair. Now I was in an 8 year relationship at the time so for me it was an affair. I don't consider myself an OW technically because his wife did know about our friendship and did confirm their separation, but he was def my OM.

 

Fine. In that case, dinner in a room with your AP, and your husband, and everyone knows about the situation. Unless your AP can be friends with your husband and your husband knows absolutely everything, he can never truly be your friend - you would be fooling yourself.

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Incorrect. I never told him let's just be friends to keep contact. We are not friends and we are not in contact and haven't been for a couple weeks. Yes I miss him (moreso what he gave me) but I do not and will not be with him like that again. My other thread clearly states I do not want him AT ALL and I ran him off purposefully. I just happen to think I could be friends because I get turned off very quickly. Also I miss the fantasy of my OM and the fantasy world...I do not miss the reality of him.

 

If you do not want him "AT ALL" then why do you want to be friends with him? You are so far from being able to be just friends with this man.

 

Also - If you are friends with him, will you tell your boyfriend that the two of you are friends? Will you all socialise together?

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I'm not in the camp that AP's can never be friends in the future. It really is dependent on each relationship dynamic.

 

After reading your back story you are not in the category of being able to be 'just friends' with your AP. The reason I say that is because he fulfills things your husband can't. That will never change. You will keep seeking him out for those validations. Secondly, and just as important, you are not over this affair yet. 7 days ago you started a thread talking about how much your miss AP.

 

You also said you lied to him, you future faked him, etc.. What kind of friendship is there really? Doesn't sound like a very healthy one, if there really is any friendship bond at all.

Yes I miss him. My thought process right now isn't making sense but even though I miss him, I do not miss him anywhere near enough to risk my relationship, hurt my BF again or have any kind of future. I miss things about him and things he did but not necessarily him.

 

We were friends along time ago and we do have a real friendship bond. BUt I am sure he future faked and lied to me as well, nothing I can prove at the moment. I read a bunch of threads about MM and I don't put it past him. It's just in my case the playing field was leveled, I don't fall quickly for anything and i got him before he got me...

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My exAP basically told me he can't handle being friends because I know we are more than that... and he seemed upset that I don't think we are more than friends, he said being friends with me is too tempting for him..

 

He told you what he wanted. Respect it!

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ok first off I am not saying I want to or plan to be friends with my exAP. I know that shipped sailed long ago and isn't possible. However I don't understand WHY you can't go back to being "just friends" if you were friends before the line was crossed.

 

Unless ALL the feelings of emotions and intimacy are completely gone, it's impossible. All that friendship becomes is an EA and unhealthy ego feeds, which means each of you are still hanging on for emotional reasons, not true friendship, platonic or innocent friendship. Once that line is crossed, you can't go back.

 

And what do you consider a person who used to be a friend but now that lines were crossed they can't be "just a friend" anymore, so what are they now? What category do they fit if they are no longer a friend? My exAP basically told me he can't handle being friends because I know we are more than that... and he seemed upset that I don't think we are more than friends, he said being friends with me is too tempting for him...but I feel that I could be just friend, I get turned off from people (men) very quickly once I am done with them. I have exes from the past who i chat with sometimes and I feel absolutely nothing. But once I am done and turned off, then that's all she wrote...

 

Ex's are not like exAP's. Completely different dynamic and relatioships. Ex's are between singles and don't involve sneaking around, hurting innocent people (BS's, children) so that's apples and oranges. Keeping a friendship with a married person IS selfish and unfair to their spouse. I'm sure too, the spouse wouldn't approve or like the exAP to still be in the picture, even as a friend. It's a selfish, self serving friendship, not an honest one at all.

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If you do not want him "AT ALL" then why do you want to be friends with him? You are so far from being able to be just friends with this man.

 

Also - If you are friends with him, will you tell your boyfriend that the two of you are friends? Will you all socialise together?

I started off this thread by saying

 

"ok first off I am not saying I want to or plan to be friends with my exAP. I know that shipped sailed long ago and isn't possible. However I don't understand WHY you can't go back to being "just friends" if you were friends before the line was crossed."

 

I don't plan on being friends with him so i don't need to tell my BF anything.

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It honestly sounds like you should not be in any kind of a relationship. The fact you even have to discuss this should be a huge red flag to yourself.

 

No one ever can be friends with a xAP while trying to recover your relationship.

 

There is no situation where this would ever be good for you or for your SO.

 

Does your BS know your on this site? You should invite him here to read this.

 

It might help your relationship.

 

Clay

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I started off this thread by saying

 

"ok first off I am not saying I want to or plan to be friends with my exAP. I know that shipped sailed long ago and isn't possible. However I don't understand WHY you can't go back to being "just friends" if you were friends before the line was crossed."

 

I don't plan on being friends with him so i don't need to tell my BF anything.

 

So do you think your BF would be happy knowing that you are still friendly with your exAP? What about his wife?

What purpose would any friendship serve?

 

It just is. Once you cross the line, have that affair, any innocence of that friendship is over, you can't get it back.

 

Also, those affair feelings, that addictive obsessive need to 'hear' from the other person doesn't just go away if you are still in each others lives. Time, NC makes that go away, not friendship.

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He told you what he wanted. Respect it!

and I have respected his wishes...except after that he continued to contact me and still wanted to talk and be friends (all his words). Now if he can't handle being friends why say that? I didn't offer it. He needs to respect his own wishes and stop flip flopping. I know what I want.

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and I have respected his wishes...except after that he continued to contact me and still wanted to talk and be friends (all his words). Now if he can't handle being friends why say that? I didn't offer it. He needs to respect his own wishes and stop flip flopping. I know what I want.

 

He *may* be caught up in the ego feed, affair dynamic still. Like a drug, he needs his fix.

 

What do you want?

 

If you don't want to hear from him, then block him. Email, text, any social media. Make it completely over and make it impossible for him to contact you again.

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ok first off I am not saying I want to or plan to be friends with my exAP. I know that shipped sailed long ago and isn't possible. However I don't understand WHY you can't go back to being "just friends" if you were friends before the line was crossed. And what do you consider a person who used to be a friend but now that lines were crossed they can't be "just a friend" anymore, so what are they now? What category do they fit if they are no longer a friend? My exAP basically told me he can't handle being friends because I know we are more than that... and he seemed upset that I don't think we are more than friends, he said being friends with me is too tempting for him...but I feel that I could be just friend, I get turned off from people (men) very quickly once I am done with them. I have exes from the past who i chat with sometimes and I feel absolutely nothing. But once I am done and turned off, then that's all she wrote...

 

 

 

"Please read your other post "Had an affair and feel crazy", this is why. Your ex AP is your ex AP and if you want your relationship to work he can never, ever be your friend again. Your AP is telling you he can't trust himself around you. Why are you trying to hold on to someone that almost helped you destroy an 8 year relationship and security for your daughter?"

 

Also do you need to block someone if neither one of you is reaching out to the other?...seems like overkill if both parties are moving on

 

Why unblock him unless you intend to contact him? You should be asking about how to stop looking for outside validation, about ways to affair proof your family and not about finding ways to justify keeping your AP in your life. You do not sound remorseful, your actions are not the actions of someone remorseful and if I can see this perhaps so can your boyfriend.

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Have you considered moving this question over to the OM OW forum. There is alot more people over there that support cheating and clearly I think that is what you are looking for. Most people that are trying to better themselves look for a way to distance themselves from the bad choices they made in there lives. You are clearly looking to reopen your affair and your just looking for people to support that.

 

You will find people that support that over there. You wont find that in this part of the forum.

 

Clay

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Unless ALL the feelings of emotions and intimacy are completely gone, it's impossible. All that friendship becomes is an EA and unhealthy ego feeds, which means each of you are still hanging on for emotional reasons, not true friendship, platonic or innocent friendship. Once that line is crossed, you can't go back.

 

 

Ex's are not like exAP's. Completely different dynamic and relatioships. Ex's are between singles and don't involve sneaking around, hurting innocent people (BS's, children) so that's apples and oranges. Keeping a friendship with a married person IS selfish and unfair to their spouse. I'm sure too, the spouse wouldn't approve or like the exAP to still be in the picture, even as a friend. It's a selfish, self serving friendship, not an honest one at all.

I agree with this except I wasn't an affair partner to him, more like a girlfriend while he was separated and his wife knew about me and our friendship. So he is an exAP to me but I am like an ex-gf to him...if that makes sense. Thank you for response!

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What is the purpose of this thread then? :confused:

To understand exactly WHY a friendship can't revert once lines have been crossed. I mean it's the same thing if I had a guy best friend and one day we have sex so now we are longer "just friends" anymore....why??

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