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How to broach subject with wife?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 11th February 2014, 2:06 AM   #1
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How to broach subject with wife?

I am in what I believe to be a unusual situation with my wife of 2 years and would like advice. I don't believe she has had any long term affairs or romantic infatuations and all my covert diggings lead me to believe she values our relationship and our marriage very highly but her behavior on occasions seems to be at odds with this.

We have been married for 2 years and together for 4 years and there is a large age difference between us. I am 48 and she is 28 and in nearly all aspects of our lives together we are very happy. Our sex life is good and frequent and we are normally are very open and honest with each other and frankly I thought I was the happiest I could be.

However it has recently come to my attention that during our relationship that she has had several (3 that I know about ... one that I strongly suspect) one night stands with other men (and one .. 2 day weekend stand) that she had met while I was away on business or otherwise engaged ( I travel frequently). The most recent of these was about 2 weeks ago and I learned of it by complete accident by overhearing a conversation between her and her best friend when they thought I wasn't home.

Since then I have checked her computer and phone records and found several references to the other previous incidents going back about 18 months. Before I married her several of my friends mentioned to me that she was flirtatious but she has always been very loving towards me when we are together and I'd never noticed her flirting with other men when I have been around but she certainly has a bubbly and gregarious personality and is very attractive. The pattern of her behavior seems to be restricted to times when I was away and she was out socializing with her friends (who are very much younger then me but with whom I get along fairly well).

I am of course very hurt by this and I find it difficult to understand how she could be having what appears to be occasional casual sex with other men while things between us have been so good. She is often telling me how lucky she feels to have me and how I make her so happy and has discussed starting a family.I have said nothing to her but she is well aware that something is wrong with me. She tells me to tell her about it when I am ready but I haven't the slightest idea how to tell her or even how to broach the subject. Any advice from people who have had similar issues ?

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Old 11th February 2014, 2:27 AM   #2
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You seem oddly calm for a man who just found out that his wife is cheating. Why are you even worried about her feelings at this stage? What do you think most men in your situation would do?
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Old 11th February 2014, 2:42 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by DasPope View Post
Since then I have checked her computer and phone records and found several references to the other previous incidents going back about 18 months.
You asked how to broach the subject?

Gather the evidence and confront her. If you feel you need more evidence, then get a voice-activated recorder and hide it (often cars are where people go for private conversations).

If you confront her without evidence, she may "gaslight" you. Google it.

Ultimately, you have to decide if you want to continue your marriage with a known cheat and liar.
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Old 11th February 2014, 2:44 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by Eivuwan View Post
You seem oddly calm for a man who just found out that his wife is cheating. Why are you even worried about her feelings at this stage? What do you think most men in your situation would do?
I'd say that I feel pretty far from calm but I'm a thinker and tend to internalize things until I'm ready to act. Obviously something must be said and done to expose the situation but I'm at a loss as to how to proceed with that. Every scenario that I run through my head see's me getting very nasty very quickly and everything I've read up about this tells me that is not the way to do it. As to her feelings If things are indeed as I suspect I have no idea as to her feelings about this excepting the casual fashion in which it was discussed with her friend. I'm 100% sure she has no idea I suspect anything.
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Old 11th February 2014, 3:56 AM   #5
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Like Carrie said, gather evidence because if you do broach the subject with out any physical proof she'll turn the whole thing around on you and make you feel like the guilty one.
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Old 11th February 2014, 5:50 AM   #6
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What exactly did you hear in her conversation with her girlfriend, that made you suspect her cheating?

Maybe its a misunderstanding?
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Old 11th February 2014, 8:22 AM   #7
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Was infidelity discussed by you both as a deal breaker in your marriage? If so, hire a PI to get hard evidence to confront her and hire a divorce lawyer. Obviously if what you suspect is true, she is a serial cheat, so her behavior isn't going to change and you will always be looking over your shoulder. If you suspect three ONS, she may have had more. If cheating and telling lies is something you can't tolerate, figure out how to protect yourself financially and divorce her. She isn't respecting you or your marriage vows.
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Old 11th February 2014, 9:05 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by lolablue17 View Post
What exactly did you hear in her conversation with her girlfriend, that made you suspect her cheating?

Maybe its a misunderstanding?

Maybe you missed this post?


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Since then I have checked her computer and phone records and found several references to the other previous incidents going back about 18 months.
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Old 11th February 2014, 9:12 AM   #9
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What exactly did you hear in her conversation with her girlfriend, that made you suspect her cheating?

Maybe its a misunderstanding?
There could be no mistaking her telling her friend that she went back the guys place and had a great time and didn't get home until morning
There have been txt messages to the same friend referring to other incidents that must have occurred previously and plans made with her to go out together to pick up some guys because I was going to be in NY.
If there are platonic explanations I'd love to know what they might be.
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Old 11th February 2014, 9:18 AM   #10
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You believe yourself to be in an unusual situation with your wife (your words). Really? It's not that unusual actually. She is cheating on you while you are away (which you tell me is quite often which is very convenient for her) and you are her meal ticket and support. So having sex with you is the unusual thing for her and maybe even (sorry for the brutality), the price she has to pay for her lifestyle.

This marriage is not a marriage but an expensive arrangement for you. Get your evidence and secure it somewhere she cannot get to. Then separate your finances, see an attorney and file for divorce as fast as you can.

Go, go, go ...
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Old 11th February 2014, 9:22 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by OpheliaSong View Post
Was infidelity discussed by you both as a deal breaker in your marriage? If so, hire a PI to get hard evidence to confront her and hire a divorce lawyer. Obviously if what you suspect is true, she is a serial cheat, so her behavior isn't going to change and you will always be looking over your shoulder. If you suspect three ONS, she may have had more. If cheating and telling lies is something you can't tolerate, figure out how to protect yourself financially and divorce her. She isn't respecting you or your marriage vows.
Well there was no discussion ever of anything like that but certainly it's implied, but its clear to me that she is aware of an expectation of traditional sexually monogamous marriage . Apart from this nothing gives me the slightest indication that anything whatsoever is wrong with our relationship in fact I'd thought of us still being in the "new" phase. There are no financial considerations as we have a pre- marital agreement in place as there is a large disparity between our incomes and assets and I have college age children from my first marriage to consider. ( my first wife passed away 9 years ago )
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Old 11th February 2014, 9:40 AM   #12
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Since you are a thinker, think about how a big ol' silverback gorilla in the jungle would broach the subject if he caught his mate slipping into the bushes with an interloper?

...... then do that.

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Originally Posted by DasPope View Post
Well there was no discussion ever of anything like that but certainly it's implied, but its clear to me that she is aware of an expectation of traditional sexually monogamous marriage . Apart from this nothing gives me the slightest indication that anything whatsoever is wrong with our relationship in fact I'd thought of us still being in the "new" phase. There are no financial considerations as we have a pre- marital agreement in place as there is a large disparity between our incomes and assets and I have college age children from my first marriage to consider. ( my first wife passed away 9 years ago )
From her perspective, there isn't anything wrong with your relationship. She is getting a big house, cars, money, social status, security, shopping trips, shoes etc from you, and getting fun and excitement and sex etc from her dudes.

She parties and plays, and you pay for it and you support her lifestyle.

This arraingement clearly benefits her. The choice you need to make is whether to continue to provide for her while she boinks other guys as long as you get some too vs cutting her off and sending her packing.

You can try to cut off her outside sexual activities but the chances are she married you for your money and the comfort and security you provide and not because she was sexually attracted to you. She gets her fun and excitement from these other guys so when you try to cut that off, she may react like a teenager when Daddy takes the car keys away and will become bitter and resentful that an old man is cutting her off from her partying.

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Old 11th February 2014, 10:37 AM   #13
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From her perspective, there isn't anything wrong with your relationship. She is getting a big house, cars, money, social status, security, shopping trips, shoes etc from you, and getting fun and excitement and sex etc from her dudes.

She parties and plays, and you pay for it and you support her lifestyle.

This arraingement clearly benefits her. The choice you need to make is whether to continue to provide for her while she boinks other guys as long as you get some too vs cutting her off and sending her packing.

You can try to cut off her outside sexual activities but the chances are she married you for your money and the comfort and security you provide and not because she was sexually attracted to you. She gets her fun and excitement from these other guys so when you try to cut that off, she may react like a teenager when Daddy takes the car keys away and will become bitter and resentful that an old man is cutting her off from her partying.
That is one of the major possible downsides to dating or marrying someone that much younger than you.

But, you know how to broach the subject, we all do. What you need to do is collect all of the evidence that you possibly can, even if you have to wait a few more weeks.

Then you make an appointment with a lawyer, file for divorce, go back home and pack all of her bags while she is out with her "friends". When she gets home, show her the bags, hand her the evidence and the divorce papers and tell her to GTFO and then never look back.

I feel that with only a 2 year marriage, no kids, and your age difference, this is the proper course of action. If you feel differently and really want to save your marriage, then still do all of the above except for the never look back part.

You can cancel divorce proceedings if she proves to you that she deserves another chance, but she would definitely have to give up all of her enabling friends, for good.
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Old 11th February 2014, 11:16 AM   #14
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From her perspective, there isn't anything wrong with your relationship. She is getting a big house, cars, money, social status, security, shopping trips, shoes etc from you, and getting fun and excitement and sex etc from her dudes.

She parties and plays, and you pay for it and you support her lifestyle.

This arraingement clearly benefits her. The choice you need to make is whether to continue to provide for her while she boinks other guys as long as you get some too vs cutting her off and sending her packing.

You can try to cut off her outside sexual activities but the chances are she married you for your money and the comfort and security you provide and not because she was sexually attracted to you. She gets her fun and excitement from these other guys so when you try to cut that off, she may react like a teenager when Daddy takes the car keys away and will become bitter and resentful that an old man is cutting her off from her partying.
The above is perfect.

You seem to be reluctant to rock the boat because you are otherwise quite happy. You are having good sex with a young woman on a regular basis.

Even though you have what you consider to be a smoking gun, still collect more evidence. She will tell you that you didnít hear what you did.

Your wife seems to be a free spirit and will probably continue to cheat no matter what happens.

Since you already have a family, grown kids and a prenuptial agreement, I would consider the following:

Secretly get a vasectomy and donít tell her. If it makes feel better, make a donation to a sperm bank before you do.

Think of her as your mistress. Her thinking that the gravy train will end if you find out limits her cheating because she has to sneak around. If you confront her and forgive her, she will know that itís not a deal breaker. Sheíll cheat even more. Only confront her if you are willing to divorce her.
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Old 11th February 2014, 11:22 AM   #15
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Your her sugar daddy that's providing the comfortable lifestyle for her to be among her peers to have sex and party around with. Your being used. A 20 year gap between you two is way to much. If she is doing this now what do you think is going to happen when your 60 and she's 40? Dont get this women pregnant. She will divorce you down the road and pimp you out for child support payments.

Tom Leykis: A Woman Being Honest (Do Not Get Married, Ever!): Mirrored Video. - YouTube
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