ConfusedAtHome Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 My partner and I have been together 3 years, have a house together, etc. We are committed to one another, but have hit a "snag" lately. She has been feeling suffocated by our time together and wants more time to herself, which I understand and need to work on doing my own thing. Also, she admitted to me that she has a "crush" on a co-worker. This person is her direct supervisor. This person is straight and has no interest in being with a woman long term, but could possibly act if my partner pursued. I'm glad my partner told me about her feelings and she said she would not jeapordize our relationship for a fling, but I am thinking the worst. I just need some advice on how to handle all of this. I'm worried that office flirtation may turn to something more paired with the fact that my partner feels suffocated. I'm at a loss. I want this to work, but it is hard to focus in the midst of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Your partner needs to find someplace else to work, or find a way to completely end contact between her and her 'crush'. You have every reason to be concerned. One thing I've seen here after four years of posting...if they TELL you about a 'crush'...its most often far more than that already. She's "dipping her toe in" to see how things are going to go when she breaks the news to you that she's in a full blown emotional affair with this person. I might be wrong...but I'm probably not. Start snooping. Find out if she goes to lunch often with this 'crush'...alone. Check her cell phone records...see if she's calling this "crush" during her commutes home/to work. See if she's texting/etc... I'm sorry, but you're likely to find out that there's more to this than just a crush. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetnlow Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 I think it's a good sign that she was able to tell you this and I would encourage her to continue to talk to you regarding anything like this. If she's having concerns regarding aspects of the relationship, address them together and work to build on the trust and respect that you currently have. Whatever you do don't obsess over the crush, quiz her constantly or give her the impression you don't trust her. You risk driving it underground, which is when crushes can come dangerous. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted October 6, 2008 Author Share Posted October 6, 2008 Thanks for the advice. They have to work closely together and I don't see a job change as an option due to the economy, etc. They go to lunches with other co-workers, but I don't think it has been the two of them alone. They do talk and text, but I am nearby and my partner isn't hiding the fact that they talk or text. I can see the texts and they aren't suggestive in any way. I too think my partner has never been in a relationship as long as ours and hasn't quite realized that the day-to-day things are monotonous and not all butterflies in your stomach happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 You pointed out that the supervisor is "straight, but..." Is the supervisor a man or a woman? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 During off work hours, there is NO reason for them to be emailing and texting eachother. All that does is open doors and allow her to become more and more attached to him. Even if it looks innocent, fact is, she has a crush on him! It's self serving HER in some way, so make sure SHE understands this. Also, ask her how she would feel if you had a crush on a co-worker, or your boss and worked closely with her, went out to lunch and off work hours, did alot of emailing etc, back and forth. .. She would be so upset and jealous! Ask her if they go out one on one. I bet they have.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted October 6, 2008 Author Share Posted October 6, 2008 My partner and I and her supervisor are all women. They are the same age and are friends. They do things together outside of the office, a few of which I have gone to. I don't think the other woman has any interest in women, but women also have bonds that are different and emotional, so that is the reason for the "but" in the first post. The great thing with us is that we have good communication, so her telling me all of this is good. I'm just depressed, worried, etc because overall we have a good relationship, but there are times when being attracted to someone else happens. The important thing is to not act on it, which she assures me hasn't happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 No, the important thing is to NOT TO LET IT GROW. She doesn't have to act on it for it to become an obsession, or for it to destroy your relationship with her. But hey...maybe I'm wrong. Come back here once things have worked further down this path and let me know if I was right or wrong...I'm curious. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 When at home, how often is she chatting with her? It is daily? She needs to also be careful because this woman IS her supervisor! I also have to ask, has she told her about the crush? If so, that's dangerous territory because that means they HAVE discussed feelings. If this woman isn't a lesbian, but is curious, who knows, she may think it's "safe" to have a sexual experience with another woman who has no plans to leave her partner (you). When you are all together, do you pick up on any vibes? She has been feeling suffocated by our time together and wants more time to herself, which I understand and need to work on doing my own thing. And during this "time" for herself, does that mean she wants to spend more time with the OW? Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 The great thing with us is that we have good communication, so her telling me all of this is good. I'm just depressed, worried, etc because overall we have a good relationship, but there are times when being attracted to someone else happens. The important thing is to not act on it, which she assures me hasn't happened. I agree with Owl here that the important thing is to not let it grow. I've noticed a couple things here on LS. One, is that people that people who avoid cheating are more likely to be those that avoid situations where things can grow. People often think that they won't end up in an affair type situation because they are not the type to cheat. They become overly confidant, maybe go out to lunch together, etc., and then feelings develop. Then it is often to late. Another thing I notice is that a marriage or partnership doesn't have to be bad for a partner to cheat. All long term relationships have their ups and downs. I'm not saying that your partner has or will do anything. I'm just saying this is something to keep in mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted October 6, 2008 Author Share Posted October 6, 2008 She is not on the phone or texting very much at home. I don't think she has discussed her feelings with OW. I will have to ask. I don't think it is something she would discuss with her. This only came to light yesterday, so I haven't been able to ask everything I needed. I can't ask her to stop talking with her b/c they work together, but I did ask that no texting suggestive, etc. I do not get a vibe from them when with them. Honestly, I think it is someone new and intriguing and this too shall pass. I just want to be keenly aware of what's going on. As for the time for herself, she literally wants to be alone...not with the OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 She is not on the phone or texting very much at home. I don't think she has discussed her feelings with OW. I will have to ask. I don't think it is something she would discuss with her. This only came to light yesterday, so I haven't been able to ask everything I needed. I can't ask her to stop talking with her b/c they work together, but I did ask that no texting suggestive, etc. I do not get a vibe from them when with them. Honestly, I think it is someone new and intriguing and this too shall pass. I just want to be keenly aware of what's going on. As for the time for herself, she literally wants to be alone...not with the OW. Realize something...all of us posting to you are people who have been through this with our significant others...and this led to an affair of some type. We're posting through EXPERIENCE. We've seen how this situation can so easily and rapidly be out of hand. We learned the hard way that what we THOUGHT was innocent was not. And we've learned the hard way about the various red flags that we missed in our own situations...ones that we're pointing out to you now in yours. You posted here, on an infidelity forum...because your gut was telling you something. Our experience is that the "gut" is very often right. Think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted October 6, 2008 Author Share Posted October 6, 2008 Thank you Owl and I appreciate all of your responses. My gut is telling me that she hasn't cheated and she is saying the same thing, so I have to trust her at this point. I got on here to see what the best way is to handle this situation since is one that I am concerned about. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 I might be wrong...but I'm probably not. Start snooping. Find out if she goes to lunch often with this 'crush'...alone. Check her cell phone records...see if she's calling this "crush" during her commutes home/to work. See if she's texting/etc... I'm sorry, but you're likely to find out that there's more to this than just a crush. C'mon owl, that's just jealous and controlling behavior now. Some folks here would say that you're supposed to be compassionate and understanding of her desire to have an affair and to ignore the signs... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 This person is straight and has no interest in being with a woman long term, but could possibly act if my partner pursued. Why do you think this person would be open to a relationship with your partner? The vast majority of straight people aren't interested in same-sex relationships... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 C'mon owl, that's just jealous and controlling behavior now. Some folks here would say that you're supposed to be compassionate and understanding of her desire to have an affair and to ignore the signs... LOL...you're right, YA! I know that my wife's biggest complaint about me when we went to MC right after d-day was that I was controlling! Which was HILARIOUS... I asked her point blank to point out all of my controlling behaviors...the first she cited was snooping. I asked her how long had it been going on...when did she believe I'd started. She hemmed, she hawed...and then finally admitted it had only been since I'd suspected her affair. She couldn't cite any other behavior as 'controlling'....the counselor blew her outta the water for that one. I'm all about respecting your partner, don't take me wrong. I've also learned the difference between privacy and secrecy...and realized that no marriage should allow for secrecy if it wants to be a healthy one. But hey...what do I know? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted October 7, 2008 Author Share Posted October 7, 2008 Why do you think this person would be open to a relationship with your partner? The vast majority of straight people aren't interested in same-sex relationships... Mr. Lucky This person would not be interested in pursuing a relationship with my partner at all. I don't even know that she would act on anything. My partner just has a "crush" and I haven't found, seen or heard anything to make me think it is anything more than a "school girl crush". My partner has said that she wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our relationship by acting on anything, but she wanted to be honest and upfront with me. Also, I think part of the issue is that I need to be more independent and do my own thing without her. She is learning that once the "butterflies" and excitement are gone you are not only in a relationship, but a partnership as well. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 My partner and I have been together 3 years, have a house together, etc. We are committed to one another, but have hit a "snag" lately. She has been feeling suffocated by our time together and wants more time to herself, which I understand and need to work on doing my own thing. Also, she admitted to me that she has a "crush" on a co-worker. Gee, she needs her "space" and has a "crush" on a co-worker. Don't need to be a rocket scientist to read between the lines here. If she wants her "space", then let her have it.....permanently. This person is her direct supervisor. This person is straight and has no interest in being with a woman long term, but could possibly act if my partner pursued. I'm glad my partner told me about her feelings and she said she would not jeapordize our relationship for a fling, but I am thinking the worst. She is full of crap my man. She needs her "space" and has a crush? Or maybe she is going to see this "space" as a silly break and that way she can do what she wants and if you find out she can say, "but we were on a break!" don't be a boyfriend when its convenient for her. I just need some advice on how to handle all of this. I'm worried that office flirtation may turn to something more paired with the fact that my partner feels suffocated. I'm at a loss. I want this to work, but it is hard to focus in the midst of this. Why do you want it to work? Why do you want someone that wants someone else? Man up. She wants her space? then like I said, give it to her permanently. Find someone that doesn't want space while "coincidentally" having a "crush" on someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted October 8, 2008 Author Share Posted October 8, 2008 Well, she wants "alone" time...not necessarily space as in a break-up. She is the type of person that needs time to herself and there is nothing wrong with that. I think the crush has to do with the "ho-hum" of everyday relationships and it happens. Everyday life isn't always fun and exciting. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2008 Share Posted October 8, 2008 I think the crush has to do with the "ho-hum" of everyday relationships and it happens. Everyday life isn't always fun and exciting. Then spice it up. Why don't the two of you go away somewhere for a weekend? Don't let her feed that crush.. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 8, 2008 Share Posted October 8, 2008 Well, she wants "alone" time...not necessarily space as in a break-up. She is the type of person that needs time to herself and there is nothing wrong with that. I think the crush has to do with the "ho-hum" of everyday relationships and it happens. Everyday life isn't always fun and exciting. I would caution you that this request for "alone time" and "space" is a very, very typical phrase that you'll hear from someone involved in an affair. I heard it from my wife during her affair as well. While she was asking me for space...she was also mentioning this same time frame to OM as an opportunity to meet up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted October 8, 2008 Author Share Posted October 8, 2008 I would caution you that this request for "alone time" and "space" is a very, very typical phrase that you'll hear from someone involved in an affair. I heard it from my wife during her affair as well. While she was asking me for space...she was also mentioning this same time frame to OM as an opportunity to meet up. Those words make me cautious, of course. And I understand what they mean. My partner stated she wanted the house to herself for a night a week while I go do an extracurricular activity. She even said it's not meeting up with friends or anyone else, she just wants to be alone for a few hours a few times a week. We have been together 3 years and the most time we have ever spent apart is 5 days straight. So, for 3 years we have been basically together most of our time outside of work. Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted October 8, 2008 Share Posted October 8, 2008 We have been together 3 years and the most time we have ever spent apart is 5 days straight. So, for 3 years we have been basically together most of our time outside of work. Well, this is what long term relationships, partnerships are about. Unless you are restricting her from ever doing an activity without you or leaving the house without you, or even going off to the bedroom to be alone for awhile, I don't understand her request for you to leave the house for a night. It just sounds odd to me. Could she be going through something else? Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted October 8, 2008 Share Posted October 8, 2008 I have another question that you might have already answered. Are you sure this woman your partner has a crush on is straight? Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted October 8, 2008 Share Posted October 8, 2008 LOL...you're right, YA! I know that my wife's biggest complaint about me when we went to MC right after d-day was that I was controlling! Which was HILARIOUS... I asked her point blank to point out all of my controlling behaviors...the first she cited was snooping. I asked her how long had it been going on...when did she believe I'd started. She hemmed, she hawed...and then finally admitted it had only been since I'd suspected her affair. She couldn't cite any other behavior as 'controlling'....the counselor blew her outta the water for that one. I'm all about respecting your partner, don't take me wrong. I've also learned the difference between privacy and secrecy...and realized that no marriage should allow for secrecy if it wants to be a healthy one. But hey...what do I know? Nice post and I agree. Never been married myself, but this site has some great nuggets. Link to post Share on other sites
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