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Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage


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Old 15th April 2019, 4:32 PM   #1096
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It has indeed become more important to project masculine strength in light of recent events so I have been concentrating on that of late.
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:25 PM   #1097
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I figure one can never lose trying to optimize whatever relationship one happens to be in, regardless of whether it lasts another 40 minutes, 40 months, or 40 years.
This sounds like something someone who settles would say.
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Old 15th April 2019, 10:05 PM   #1098
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@S2B It's not about settling. This is about making a choice based on a complex series of factors. Each member of the couple has the right to leave at any point where they feel it necessary. For me, the calculus is complicated by the fact that we have a twelve-year-old at home (and a twenty-year-old in college), a mother-in-law who has dementia and needs me to care for her, and a basically sound relationship with my wife with a few significant problems that have not yet been resolved.

Sticking around a while in hopes of resolving them makes sense for me. If we cannot resolve them soon, I then face a very stark choice.
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Old 16th April 2019, 8:12 AM   #1099
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Sticking around a while in hopes of resolving them makes sense for me. If we cannot resolve them soon, I then face a very stark choice.
I agree with this approach. If you can bear the sexlessness, stick around for a bit. Sure, 6 years is a tad long, but you can only try. The big sticking point for me (no pun intended) would be the treatment that my wife has decided to inflict on me, with no proper explanation. My resentment would grow and grow...
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Old 16th April 2019, 10:00 AM   #1100
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I agree with this approach. If you can bear the sexlessness, stick around for a bit. Sure, 6 years is a tad long, but you can only try. The big sticking point for me (no pun intended) would be the treatment that my wife has decided to inflict on me, with no proper explanation. My resentment would grow and grow...
Yes, that is why I need to insist on a series of conversations about what has happened in this relationship over the last year or so, how I perceive her behavior and its impact on me, and what is required to restore a sense of emotional intimacy. If taking sex off the table for a while more is what it takes to achieve that, so be it. This marriage is worth preserving but we are going to have to interact differently going forward.
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Old 16th April 2019, 11:44 AM   #1101
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Him being a stay at home dad isn't necessarily the issue, unless he's being less than forthcoming about her wanting that. My ex-neighbor was married to a doctor and did all that while she was in residency and now that she has her own practice. He was a waiter when they met, so it's not like he gave up a big career for it. They got along splendidly and I know they had sex because they were having about a baby a year at last count. Of course, he did lots of manly things in addition to the childcare and housecare, like mowing the yard and plowing a garden patch and smoking meat! Who wouldn't want to be married to that?
You would be very surprised how many women would prefer to be with a man who is not inclined to stay at home. This is why stay at home fathers are still rare. In fact, I believe that the vast majority of women prefer men who earn as least as much as they do or preferably more.
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Old 16th April 2019, 11:47 AM   #1102
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Responsible adults who care about something more than their dicks.
The OP has clearly shown that he is bitter and angry about not having sex. He has even mentioned divorce more than once.

Expecting sex in any type of romantic relationship is not irresponsible.
It’s an entirely reasonable expectation.
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Old 16th April 2019, 11:53 AM   #1103
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@S2B It's not about settling. This is about making a choice based on a complex series of factors. Each member of the couple has the right to leave at any point where they feel it necessary. For me, the calculus is complicated by the fact that we have a twelve-year-old at home (and a twenty-year-old in college), a mother-in-law who has dementia and needs me to care for her, and a basically sound relationship with my wife with a few significant problems that have not yet been resolved.

Sticking around a while in hopes of resolving them makes sense for me. If we cannot resolve them soon, I then face a very stark choice.
In a sound relationship, couples have honest discussions about any topic. There is no stonewalling because that indicates a lack of love and respect.

You’re staying for your children and comfortable life. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that if you’re prepared for the ramifications of that decision. Based on what you post here, it doesn’t seem like you are completely fine with not having sex with your wife again.
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Old 16th April 2019, 11:58 AM   #1104
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@S2B It's not about settling. This is about making a choice based on a complex series of factors. Each member of the couple has the right to leave at any point where they feel it necessary. For me, the calculus is complicated by the fact that we have a twelve-year-old at home (and a twenty-year-old in college), a mother-in-law who has dementia and needs me to care for her, and a basically sound relationship with my wife with a few significant problems that have not yet been resolved.

Sticking around a while in hopes of resolving them makes sense for me. If we cannot resolve them soon, I then face a very stark choice.
Totally sounds like settling.

When do start full time work?
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Old 16th April 2019, 12:57 PM   #1105
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Admittedly, I havenít kept up with this post but Iím really curious as to why thereís such push for him to divorce, or such criticism about him choosing not to leave. Will his life be any better if he does? Will everyone in the family be better off after that?

So what if heís settling or whatever. Itís not like heís in an abusive relationship that he needs to get out of. His wife has shut off communication on this issue and has cut off sex. Itís cold and insensitive of her but if heís willing to deal with it, then more power to him. Iíve seen worse marriages. Maybe when theyíre in their 80ís this wonít matter in the least and theyíll still have their marriage.
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Old 16th April 2019, 1:26 PM   #1106
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@bathtub-row

The OP's wife told him to find someone who can give him the love that she can't.
After that, the OP mentioned divorce more than once when he was understandably angry about the whole situation.

If the OP chooses not to leave, he needs to stop being angry and petulant about the situation or else that could destroy his marriage even more than it already is.

I believe that it's emotionally abusive to stonewall one's spouse.

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Old 16th April 2019, 2:37 PM   #1107
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@BettyDraper I think there's at least one more option other than separation/divorce on the one hand and staying and putting up with the status quo on the other (neither of which is a particularly enticing option for me).

One of the alternatives is staying with the proviso that my wife and I work on improving the marriage together. We have an anniversary coming up and that's the perfect time to reboot.

But of course I will need buy-in and commitment to the rebuilding effort from my wife.
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Old 16th April 2019, 3:18 PM   #1108
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OP, how many jobs have you applied for since starting this thread?
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Old 16th April 2019, 4:04 PM   #1109
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We should consider that she may only be sticking it out because he IS taking care of everything at home, just as many married men over the years haven't wanted to divorce their SAHM who is holding down the fort because they don't want to have to change up their own lifestyle. It's a possibility. Plus they get along except for she's 56 and done with sex. There is the remote possibility that her hormones will surge again at some point, but he shouldn't count on it, and it may not be her hormones but her mindset and how she's come to view him that is the issue -- probably a bit of both. It's pretty normal at her age. He's not far behind her, and it may cease to be an issue to him sooner than he thinks.

You know, the day Viagra was put on the market, the drone of older women rolling their eyes could be heard all over the world. They knew it was only going to stir up a problem they thought they were past having to deal with. An early poll showed 75 percent of women were against it. Of course it's great for young people with real ED problems, but not so much those who "age out."
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Old 16th April 2019, 4:47 PM   #1110
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Those who have read the thread carefully know that (regardless of the thread title), our issues are not fundamentally about sex but rather concerning marital behavior, emotional intimacy, communication, and respect. If the latter four were satisfactory the lack of sex would be a heck of a lot more bearable and the marriage would be on much more solid ground going forward.

A couple can make love without the physical act of sex; I want to do that every day with my wife but we aren't really doing that now. Even couples who are abstaining from sex have a sex life; I want to have a sex life with my wife. Do you see where I am coming from?
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