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No trust left, not sure if I should divorce


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 19th August 2018, 10:06 AM   #16
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Isn't that what family is supposed to do? Help you when you're having a tough time? Actually have your back?

No, it's not something you should expect. If I had a child who was 31 years old, able-bodied with a child of their own and EXPECTING me to finance them, I would not do so even if I could afford it, because I would be teaching them that they don't have to take responsibility for their own choices and life despite their advanced age. If I kept bailing them out, how would they ever learn to be independent?


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So how was I supposed to afford an expensive doctor I was referred to, if I couldn't afford it?

Huh? Australia has universal healthcare. Are you not eligible for Medicare? There are restrictions on which doctors you can see, but why do you need THIS particular doctor?
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Old 21st August 2018, 9:01 PM   #17
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So why did he lie about helping me out? Then say it "was in jest"? That's very callous. Should I do the same when he needs my help one day? As I said before I tried everything to get work and was willing to do anything. I applied for hundreds of jobs. I was willing to do anything, I'm not stuck up.


It's true that there is Medicare, but as I said before, I still needed well over $300 up front. You only get some money back later. It doesn't help if you don't have the money upfront, to begin with.


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No, it's not something you should expect. If I had a child who was 31 years old, able-bodied with a child of their own and EXPECTING me to finance them, I would not do so even if I could afford it, because I would be teaching them that they don't have to take responsibility for their own choices and life despite their advanced age. If I kept bailing them out, how would they ever learn to be independent?





Huh? Australia has universal healthcare. Are you not eligible for Medicare? There are restrictions on which doctors you can see, but why do you need THIS particular doctor?
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Old 21st August 2018, 9:03 PM   #18
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So one day if my parents need help. Should I lie about helping them, say it's "in jest", go on holiday and then brag about it?
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Old 21st August 2018, 9:05 PM   #19
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Only problem is I don't know my chances of getting custody, if I divorce him.
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Yes, you should get a divorce. You consider your husband an idiot. That is reason enough.

I understand your child is in the custody of your in-laws. This is the perfect opportunity for you to strike off on your own and get yourself sorted out. It's time that you learned to be responsible for yourself and your own life. For many of us this includes asking for help - not financial help, but in the form of therapy to aid us in overcoming stumbling blocks.

You are a grown woman with a child - I encourage you to take charge of your life. Hopefully you will be very involved with your daughter's daily life in the near future.
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Old 21st August 2018, 9:10 PM   #20
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Only problem is I don't know my chances of getting custody, if I divorce him.
In all fairness, I'm not sure that your chances of getting custody are any higher, if you stay together. Before you get your child back, you must demonstrate that you are stable, financially and emotionally capable of providing a home and caring for a child... It sounds like you have yet to demonstrate that.
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Old 21st August 2018, 9:41 PM   #21
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I've been working real hard, but our costs are high, have to pay other people we sometimes share jobs with and my husband refuses to move. We've had a couple of large customers not pay us, which didn't help.

It costs money to go back to court and do courses etc. Problem is if I get another job, then I'm unavailable to help my husband do the larger jobs.


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In all fairness, I'm not sure that your chances of getting custody are any higher, if you stay together. Before you get your child back, you must demonstrate that you are stable, financially and emotionally capable of providing a home and caring for a child... It sounds like you have yet to demonstrate that.
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Old 24th August 2018, 9:11 PM   #22
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Still arguing every day and husband refuses to communicate (Aspergers), even though we're trying to run a business together. Been trying to do marriage counselling, but we're still fighting 24/7.

I've never gotten over the anger over betraying me and telling me his parents weren't going to do and take custody. Then they kicked him out. I regret ever believing him that day. Yet he expects me just to trust him and have another child.


I'm really at my wits end here.
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Old 26th September 2018, 9:17 AM   #23
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That's great that you found it so easy ( was it decades ago when you left home? Jobs were easy to get decades ago) and you're son, but that doesn't help my situation.


My dad is a career firefighter and even though he loves to make out he's had it hard, he's had a job for life and has NEVER BEEN MADE REDUNDANT, unlike most people these days. His house needs a lot of repairs, but he always has his MUTLIPLE motorbikes, MULTIPLE cars and holidays. Yet he always complains how "hard" he's got it.


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It's nice when family can help but parents are not obligated to their children once those children become adults and have children of their own. I raised my kids as a single parent and never got a penny of help from my parents after the day I left home and I was only sixteen when I left.

Now my oldest son has his own kids and I love him and I love his kids but frankly I do not wish be financially responsible for his children. Thankfully he works hard and does what he has to to take care of his children. I've seen him suffer through having to stick by a job that he hates, I've seen him sacrafice so much for the good of his family. He never buys himself anything, never indulges himself, rarely even takes a few hours for himself. He has never asked anyone for money and he was only 22 when his first was born and now he has 3. I'm not rich but if he asked me for help I would do my best to help but not because it's my duty or my obligation, but because I know he pours his heart and soul into taking care of his kids, he gives 100% of himself and he never complains. He would never ask for help unless there was truly nothing more he could do to help himself.

Now I don't agree with your father reneging on his offer to help you but it is what it is. If helping you requires that he sells his vintage car which is likely a prized possession then clearly he is not rich and does not have loads of cash available to give away. He shouldn't have made a promise he can't keep but he is not responsible for his married 30yr old adult daughter. You have a husband. Two adults in their thirties should be able to support themselves.

All of your threads are about what people are not doing for you, what people are not giving you. Your focus needs to shift from stewing on what you think the world and everyone in it owes you to what you are going to do to help yourself. You owe you. All this resentment about what you are not getting isn't helping or changing your situation. You have a husband. The two of you should be able to figure this out.
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Old 26th September 2018, 9:21 AM   #24
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Honestly surprised by some these answers. My dad making blatant lies about helping me out. Then saying its all "in jest". Then not doing it and calling me a liar. All his siblings took my (adult) cousins, which says it all.
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Old 26th September 2018, 9:25 AM   #25
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We were behind to begin with financially and it just got worse.
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A little bit confusing to follow but I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.

I'm trying to understand your anger at your father. You and your husband are married, both adults, so why is it your dad's job to bail you out of financial difficulties? You don't seem to just expect his help, it's pretty clear you feel entitled to it.

Given that approach, not sure I'd be in a hurry to assist your either...

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Old 26th September 2018, 1:51 PM   #26
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Honestly surprised by some these answers. My dad making blatant lies about helping me out. Then saying its all "in jest". Then not doing it and calling me a liar. All his siblings took my (adult) cousins, which says it all.

You've said multiple times that your dad promised to sell his vintage car, and he didn't, and he lied and that's why you've got all these problems. You've also said that everyone is "siding" with your dad, and that you cannot be with your child unsupervised.



There's a lot more going on here than just your dad saying he was going to sell his car and not following through. Perhaps he meant it when he said it then he decided not to. It's not necessarily a lie, it's a broken promise, and those sorts of things happen.


I suggest you focus on other things rather than this big lie your father told you because it really doesn't change anything, and figure out how you're going to change your situation for the better. Don't assume that family is supposed to help you out- family is under NO obligation to help you, it's totally their choice as to how much or how little they contribute to your life. Some parents walk away from their kids and not look back, others pay for everything and hand their kids enough money to live on without ever working. It's not fair that some of us get more than others, but you know what? Life isn't fair, its what we make of it.
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Old 26th September 2018, 2:11 PM   #27
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You're focusing on the wrong things. Instead of seething in anger over perceived wrongs, focus on improving the situation. Focus on getting a job and a stable place to live. Let go of all the anger at your father, husband, and in laws.

Interesting to note that you blame everyone else for your problems. Sorry, not buying it.
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Old 26th September 2018, 2:41 PM   #28
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Your dad isn't obligated to give you money. Given your level of anger, and constant arguing, it doesn't seem like staying with your husband benefits you. I think your efforts would be better spent on accepting responsibility for your choices, and figuring out what you need to do to regain custody of your child. Perhaps your family will let you come back while you figure things out.
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Old 26th September 2018, 2:44 PM   #29
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I can guess the reasoning as to why your father has retracted his offer to help you. I have a sibling nearing his 50th birthday, who still lives with my parents and feels entitled to support because he has refused to become a responsible adult. Everytime he has issues, he expects them to bail him out and they've enabled him. This has been going on for decades. I have a feeling that there is more to your story and your history with your father, hence his hesitancy to help you. You're an adult, you bore a child and you have a husband. You made adult decisions and this is where it has gotten you and now you need to face and own your choices.

I understand you are upset that he has retracted his offer but your anger is misplaced. Placing your expectations on others is a recipe for disappointment. The only person you can depend on is yourself -- in that sense you need to remove your sense of entitlement and expectation and works towards finding and achieving your own independence. You keep complaining about everyone under the sun -- but yourself. There is a reason why you are where you are -- you didn't just end up in a bad situation.

I don't callously say those things because I've had it extremely hard since I was wee bit kid and over 4 decades later, I'm finally living a comfortable life. It was a very long and painful journey, but I am proud to say I did it all on my own. You're 31 -- time to grow up.
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Old 3rd October 2018, 7:28 AM   #30
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So why promise to help us out, if he had no intention of doing so? Why say its all "in jest"? That's incredibly callous. I think quite sociopathic. This is custody stuff, its hardly a joke.



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Originally Posted by Mardelis View Post
You've said multiple times that your dad promised to sell his vintage car, and he didn't, and he lied and that's why you've got all these problems. You've also said that everyone is "siding" with your dad, and that you cannot be with your child unsupervised.



There's a lot more going on here than just your dad saying he was going to sell his car and not following through. Perhaps he meant it when he said it then he decided not to. It's not necessarily a lie, it's a broken promise, and those sorts of things happen.


I suggest you focus on other things rather than this big lie your father told you because it really doesn't change anything, and figure out how you're going to change your situation for the better. Don't assume that family is supposed to help you out- family is under NO obligation to help you, it's totally their choice as to how much or how little they contribute to your life. Some parents walk away from their kids and not look back, others pay for everything and hand their kids enough money to live on without ever working. It's not fair that some of us get more than others, but you know what? Life isn't fair, its what we make of it.
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