Can a dog really end a relationship

[BeyondConfused1n]

I’ve dated this girl for nearly 4 months now, and thingshave progressed very fast between us right out of the gate. All in a good wayof course, we have many things in common and see eye to eye on a lot ofdifferent topics, which has brought us very close in a short time. Except forwhen it comes to dogs. We couldn’t be more different. I grew up with dogsthroughout my life but they have always been outside dogs, and the ones I didown all lived well into their older years 15+. They were always treated well.Lived happy and loving lives. She also grew up owning dogs and multiple dogs atonce. She was raised to see dogs as part of the family. Just like anyone elsein the family. So to her she treats the dogs almost like another human being. Needles to say. She is a dog lover. She hasowned these dogs before we met, so I knew she liked dogs, but I was alwaysexposed to treating dogs for what they are, so this has been a uniqueexperience for me thus far. Looking for some advice, or just another persons opinion.

 

 

She owns two English Springer Spaniels and they are bothinside dogs. She lives in an average size place that’s around 1700 square feet,and the dogs are allowed to go everywhere. They have no boundaries for the mostpart. However, when she is gone they do get put away in their own room becausethey can sometimes miss behave and chew up furniture, or the walls. This is a rarecase but as a precaution they have their own room so they don’t get bored anddestroy parts of the house. The remainder of the time the dogs get exclusiveaccess to the entire place. And here lies the problem…

 

 

I feel these dogs are too big to keep inside the house. Especiallytwo of them in the size of her place. They stink up the entire place. No matterhow many times a dog person tells you their dogs don’t smell. They do, and sodoes the place they reside. That’s just the way it is if you own animals. Theyshed hair everywhere no matter how much she cleans there is hair everywhere andno way to stay on top of the cleaning. The dogs jump all over the furniture,which has dog hair on it. She allows them to cuddle with her. They also sleepwith her in her bed. The two dogs play together on her bed. They eat in herbedroom. If I lay on someones bed, I don’t expect to have dog hair coming offof my hair, or if I walk around bare foot on the carpet. I wouldn’t expect to betaking dog hair out of my shoes days later. This is all due to the fact thatthe dogs are in her master bedroom a lot. They sleep on the bed all the time,in fact one of them even sleeps on her pillow with her at all times. I thinkall these things are pretty excessive and over the top, but to a dog lover.These appear to be normal as dogs shed and they are part of the family. For me.This is not normal, nor clean. So I’ve limited my visits to her place andinstead we visit mine.

 

 

The dogs are well cared for. In my opinion, I think they aretoo well cared for and put on pedestals, which is partly why they act the waythey do. Dogs do what their owners allow them too. I think in this case thesedogs get to do way too much. They took basic training so they do listen tobasic commands, but she allows them to do whatever they want, and she wants itthat way as she wants to be with them at all times. She enjoys having themaround all the time. She calls them her Velcro dogs. She goes out of her way togive them bottled water, and buy them expensive ($150 monthly) special meals. Thedogs are extremely high maintenance. They eat special food. They eat out ofspecial bowls because if they don’t they might get sick. They cant be outsideby themselves because they are allergic to somethings and can possibly die. Thisis only scratching the surface because it gets worst, but I think you all getthe idea.

 

 

I’ve told her how I felt about the way she treats her dogs,which typically leads to uneasy conversations, but its better to have them nowthan later down the road. She is willing to work on putting the dogs in theirown room if I come over, but that still doesn’t address the hair, and how badit smells like dogs. Plus, when they are locked in their own room they crybecause they are not used to being locked up while she is home. When she letsthem out they are literally wrapped around her neck or by her side at all times.They’re her shadow. If she is getting too much attention. One of the dogs willcry, and try and jump up on us to try to get attention. If we’re eating at thekitched table. She wants to dogs there as well near by our feet. Which I thinkis gross. These are not small dogs so smelling their breath while they sitaround begging for food is not something I consider to be a romantic meal. They’realways walking around panting. It’s a bit out of control. I do see her tryingto compromise, but in my opinion its very little because she just wants thedogs around almost all the time. Whereas I do not. I don’t mind playing withthem outside for a bit, but then. I’d like to relax and enjoy my time with herand not have to worry about taking the dogs out to the bathroom every 2 hours. Shesbasically willing to keep the dogs off her bedroom if I come over, but the restof the house they should be able to do whatever. Kitchen, family room, hallway,dining room, etc…

 

 

I think you all get the idea, and if you made it down thisfar. Note – No I’m not jealous of the dogs, and no I wouldn’t ever ask she getrid of them, but I think she really needs to adjust her outlook on how dogsshould be treated. From her point of view. She thinks I need to be more openminded. I’d welcome your opinion.

[bathtub-row]

This could be a dealbreaker for the two of you. She isn't going to be able to meet your standards and you're not likely to cave in to hers.

 

I dated a guy once who had a huge dog - a Newfoundland. It looked like a big black bear. And the guy lived in a small apartment with this dog. I believe that in order to be truly happy, the dog needed to have about 3 acres to romp around in. His apartment had a sunroom and that's where the dog stayed during the day. Now this dog pooped in this room too. When I walked into the apartment, I would literally gag. Later he got a house and things got better but by then we were broken up and talking about getting back together. One day I was meeting him at his house, he was late, and as I sat outside on the porch, the poor dog became restless, whined, and in general looked miserable while his master left him in the house all day. What some people think is loving toward a pet can often make them quite miserable. I never respected the guy for the way he treated his dog.

 

We did discuss the dog issue though because we thought it likely that we'd live together someday. I simply could not live with the dog the way he did. And, like you describe, the dog shed constantly. There was just no way my house was going to look like that. So we agreed that the dog would have a yard, and that he'd be allowed in the laundry room whenever we weren't around. When we were home, the dog would be with us but no free rein in the house at all times. The guy agreed to these things.

 

I do believe that dogs are happier being able to socialize with their "people". I didn't grow up with dogs I the house but when I have owned dogs as an adult, I let them in the house. But I think the dog should also have easy access to a yard. I don't own a dog now because they are a huge responsibility. I never had a dog that shed a great deal though.

 

Your gf is extreme about her pets but she's not likely to compromise on this. I personally don't like dogs in my bed and I don't like them sleeping with me. I think that's just a bit too much. She will either need to get control of her home and her pets, or the two of you won't make it. Perhaps the two of you can agree on what's acceptable if you end up living together.

Edited April 4, 2016 by bathtub-row

[startingagain15]

I hear you on being overwhelmed by the dogs. My bf has the same breed of dog and he's a big moose. I also really dislike how he spoils the dog, lets it on all the furniture, it sleeps in his bed, etc. But the thing I have come to accept is that he loves the dog, the dog was his companion through a few very rough years for him. So because I love him, I'm learning to accept the dog. Compromises will be made once we live together, but I can't expect him to change much in how he treats the dog.

 

You're probably going to have to accept the dogs with a few minor compromises, but I don't think there's much chance of you getting too much change from her. The dogs are her family, I'd imagine it's probably a deal breaker if you can't accept that.

[Arieswoman]

BeyondConfused1n,

I had dogs all my married life. When I got divorced I rehomed one and kept one until he died of old age. They were mainly inside dogs, although they slept in the conservatory in the summer with access to the garden.

 

They had boundaries. They were not allowed upstairs. (I had a kiddie-gate at the bottom of the stairs to stop that) and they were put outside at meal-times.

 

So I agree that dogs shouldn't be free to wander all over the house, and I agree that dogs smell (of dog !) no matter how often you bath them. They also make your house smell (of dog !) no matter how often you shampoo the carpets.

 

After my old dog died, I began to realise how bad the smell actually was when I went to other dog-owners' houses. So much so, that I didn't date anyone who had a dog.

 

Your gf, IMO, is treating them like children. However, that's her choice.

 

You both have different ideas about this that are poles apart. I can't see a compromise, I'm sorry x

[deckard11]

Dogs are one of my red flags. They are just like kids and require constant care and attention. Not to mention they smell and jump up on you and slobber everywhere.

[bathtub-row]

I do need to add that I totally understand where your gf is coming from -- to a point. I tend to think of pets as family and once I own one, they're with me for life. I think they're very tender souls and, in many ways, I admire animals more than I admire humans. I also think of my animal family as my buddies. I currently own two cats but I tend to favor dogs because they are so loving toward people in a very outward manor. Still I live my kitties and they're my little friends that I am happy to take care of. I also believe that when we bring pets into our lives, we have an obligation to take care of them and be loving toward them.

 

So, I get how your gf feels about them. I think she just needs to create a few boundaries. Especially in the sense of keeping her home and bed clean.

[mrldii]

The answer to your question, OP, is "Yes, dogs [cats, snakes, gerbils, kids, etc.] can be a deal breaker."

 

The bigger deal breaker [iMHO] is someone (in this case, it would be a man) coming into MY life and MY house and telling ME the way things are going to be, especially when I've been living MY life in MY house, doing things MY way...with MY money.

 

The door of MY house, which opened to invite him in to MY space, works just as well when he's shown the opposite direction, as it shuts firmly closed behind him.

 

 

 

Best of luck to both of you, OP...indeed, I hope there can be some new-found "compromise" and "open-mindedness"

 

for the two of you.

[Els]

I think the two of you are just not compatible. Pets, especially dogs/cats, are a huge part of some people's lives, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. On the other hand some people just don't like living with dogs/cats, and there's nothing wrong with that either.

[BeyondConfused1n]

Thank you all for your feedback and opinions.

 

 

I can understand that people love/value their pets, as they should. They are a major responsibility, but what I don't understand is how someone just blurs the line between dogs (pet) and humans. You can love and adore a pet without needing to have it cling to you. That's not healthy in children, not sure why it appears to be acceptable to a dog lover.

 

 

I have no problems with the dog themselves. These dogs specifically just don't belong inside a house. A small dog I can understand, but these are not small dogs, and there are two of them. I also understand dogs need attention, but she has two of them for that reason specifically. As for treating dogs like humans. That to me is so wrong on so many levels. You wouldn't treat a human like a dog, therefore you shouldn't treat a dog like a human. That doesn't mean because the dog cant be in your bed or allowed to destroy your home you're treating it with any less love. I would think the compromise is doable, but because she is so used to spoiling the dogs the compromise from her point of view is going to seem like its always going to be more.

 

 

Regarding the comments about it being her place. I fully am aware of that, which is why I also mentioned instead of being at her place most of the time. We end up spending time at my place. I don't tell her how to train her dogs, what to do with her dogs, where they should or shouldn't be. It's her place. However, if someday there's a future together. I do let her know that living with dogs in such a manner is not something I foresee. I can compromise on a lot. I feel like I have less to compromise on than she does, but I also feel she doesn't see that. For example, if we owned a two story house together. The dogs wouldn't be upstairs, which she is good with. However, she would want the dogs to be all over downstairs. Which in all fairness is a decent compromise on her part, but I just don't see what business a dog has in a kitchen? If you went into any restaurant that had dogs in their kitchen would you eat there? Would you eat at a grade F establishment? Because if you have dogs that's what grade your kitchen and for the large part home would receive wherever the dogs are allowed to roam. Again, its all about prospective.

 

 

I personally don't see there being any issue with these dogs living in the laundry room, and or garage. I know she's totally against the garage but is willing to work on the laundry room, but only while they sleep, and she would want them to be around roam during the day whenever we're around. My biggest issue for the most part is with all the dog hair, and the smell. Plus, the fact that they do whatever they want. That's out of control. In my head it doesn't make sense to work 40-50 hours a week and pay a $2,000 mortgage for your dogs to destroy your home over time. If they lived in the garage, backyard, or laundry room. You can have your fantasy relationship (cake) and icing all under one roof.

[Yookie]

... I think she really needs to adjust her outlook on how dogsshould be treated. From her point of view. She thinks I need to be more openminded. I’d welcome your opinion.

 

I think you both should just agree that you are not on the same page and either come to a compromise or just move on. It's not a question of right or wrong. It's about how much you both are willing to bend on this issue.

[len51]

Love her, love her dog. My wife's dog jumps into bed when we have sex and than lays down with his butt against my wife's naked body. I just ignore him. BTW, we do treat our dog like our child but he is well behaved. We have always had dogs too and treated them as part of the family. They fall into our routine. Our dog wakes when we do, eats when we eat, jumps into his TV spot on the couch when it is TV time and reminds us when it is bed time. We spend more on his medical stuff than we pay for ourselves.

 

We bought a minivan so he could be comfortable when we travel. We bought a house that has a wall all around it and plenty of grass for his use. He has a Burberry coat that costs more than mine. She is spoiled and I do not care. When I buy a pet I take responsibility for its life and knowing that they have a short life span compared to us, I want them to have the best life they can. My wife and I cannot have kids so our dog gives us someone to use all that built up love on and we get it back from him.

 

Funny story. We had guest over and the talk turned to a YouTube video where a dog said "I love you". For a joke I told my dog to say the same thing and he did, clear as a bell. It shocked everyone, especially us since he never tries to talk nor do we train him to do so. Our friends still talk about it. It was said so clearly that it was disturbing.

 

I never dated a person who did not like dogs the way I did. I used to go trap shooting with guys who had hunting dogs and although they took good care of them (probably due to cost to train them), they did not feel emotional about them. They were treated as working dogs and they used to make fun of me when I told them about my Yorkies. They thought I was crazy but I did not care. What I said first, love the woman, lover her dogs, has proven to be true in my experience. As you said, she treats her dog as a child and because of that, she will not take kindly to anyone who does not share her view of her dog. If you are uncomfortable now, just wait for all that time you have ahead of you when she will replace one dog with another.

[Emilia]

I'm not the tidiest person in the world but I like to have my place smell clean. I open my terrace doors even in the winter first thing in the morning to get fresh air.

 

I would not spend regular time in someone's house that stank and was full of hair. Lack of boundaries would be also an issue for me, your girlfriend sounds a bit needy. In my view, well put together people tend to prefer some order or at least and are capable of a rational conversation and thought.

 

I think you are finding out about her personality OP and you don't like it.

[Raena]

It should be interesting to see how this works out for you. Is she going to change or are you. One or both of you is/are going to have to change your viewpoint in order for it to work.

 

I do think that a dog can most definitely break a relationship.

 

If my dog doesn't like you, you can bet I'd get rid of you before I'd get rid of him. The same is true about what you talked about. If some guy I'm dating tells me he doesn't want to be in a house with dogs that like to be near their owners all the time then I'd seriously consider ending the relationship. Or I'd at the very least keep it casual knowing that it could never really work out in the end.

[BeyondConfused1n]

She's education and holds amazing conversations. She's been pretty rational for the most part while we have these conversations, but the choices she makes for the dogs in my opinion are poor. The thing with coming from one extreme is in order to find middle grounds the person coming from the extreme has to travel a bit further. This part of her with the dogs is how she was raised. Her parents were this way with dogs and typically that tends to stick with children, so to her this is who she is.

[Dirt]

It can and it's ultimately up to you on what you can deal with and how she will compromise. Sleeping with dogs and allowing them on furniture will certainly shrink her available dating pool.

 

This sounds exactly like a previous relationship of mine. My gf humanized her dogs. She compromised and no dogs were allowed in the bed once we started dating and I stayed the night. She has had her dog pee/poop on her bed yet still let the dog in the bed later. Her couch was covered in dog hair and my clothes always needed to be lint rolled after sitting on it.

 

We eventually lived together. I had dog piss and poop on my couch. The shedding meant the house and couches had to be vacuumed every other day. Every day would have been ideal. She'd let her clothes get covered with dog hair and then they'd end up in the wash with my clothes. Clothes came out of the wash still with dog hair on them and you'd have to lint roll them even though they were supposed to be clean. You couldn't walk around the house with socks on because by the end of the day they'd be covered in dog hair.

 

She was overprotective of her dogs and incredibly picky with dogsitters. This negatively impacted our relationship in some ways because we couldn't do some stuff because she couldn't find a dogsitter she would trust.

 

Both her dogs had separation anxiety issues because she babied them so much.

 

We parted ways for other reasons. I learned to deal with all the dog crap because I loved her but from that relationship I learned that I can't see myself dating someone again who humanizes their dogs.

Edited April 4, 2016 by Dirt

[BeyondConfused1n]

It should be interesting to see how this works out for you. Is she going to change or are you. One or both of you is/are going to have to change your viewpoint in order for it to work.

 

I do think that a dog can most definitely break a relationship.

 

If my dog doesn't like you, you can bet I'd get rid of you before I'd get rid of him. The same is true about what you talked about. If some guy I'm dating tells me he doesn't want to be in a house with dogs that like to be near their owners all the time then I'd seriously consider ending the relationship. Or I'd at the very least keep it casual knowing that it could never really work out in the end.

 

Interesting... Maybe. Challenging. Most definitely.

 

 

I would think getting rid of an animal for the sake of just getting rid of an animal is not right. I don't think I'd ever do that to someone. Especially not over dog hair. That's immature. It would hurt the person you love, as well as the dog. That person may also end up resenting you down the road for it. Therefore, that doesn't make much sense. However, your comment about considering ending a relationship over a dog also doesn't make sense to me. What if the person you're considering pulling the plug on just so happens to turn out to be your guy indefinitely? And you pulled the plug over a dog that will give you 10 - 15 years of happiness while the person you tossed away would have given you 30+ years, and a whole lot more?

[amaysngrace]

She probably doesn't like that you kept your dogs outside as much as you don't like her dogs inside.

 

You call her needy but she thinks you're mean.

[BeyondConfused1n]

It can and it's ultimately up to you on what you can deal with and how she will compromise. Sleeping with dogs and allowing them on furniture will certainly shrink her available dating pool.

 

This sounds exactly like a previous relationship of mine. My gf humanized her dogs. She compromised and no dogs were allowed in the bed once we started dating and I stayed the night. She has had her dog pee/poop on her bed yet still let the dog in the bed later. Her couch was covered in dog hair and my clothes always needed to be lint rolled after sitting on it.

 

We eventually lived together. I had dog piss and poop on my couch. The shedding meant the house and couches had to be vacuumed every other day. Every day would have been ideal. She'd let her clothes get covered with dog hair and then they'd end up in the wash with my clothes. Clothes came out of the wash still with dog hair on them and you'd have to lint roll them even though they were supposed to be clean. You couldn't walk around the house with socks on because by the end of the day they'd be covered in dog hair.

 

She was overprotective of her dogs and incredibly picky with dogsitters. This negatively impacted our relationship in some ways because we couldn't do some stuff because she couldn't find a dogsitter she would trust.

 

Both her dogs had separation anxiety issues because she babied them so much.

 

We parted ways for other reasons. I learned to deal with all the dog crap because I loved her but from that relationship I learned that I can't see myself dating someone again who humanizes their dogs.

 

 

Your reply does indeed sound very familiar.

 

 

Going to the bathroom inside the house is disgusting. Doing it on the furniture is right up there as well. One time is an accident. If it happens twice. It's a justifications.

 

 

The reason we're having all these conversations upfront is because one day we do have a vision of a future together. However, the picture in my head and her head are a bit different when it comes to the dogs. I'd rather see if we can compromise before it gets to the point where we moved in together. If things don't get better now. They're not going to later. That's typically been my experience. That's not to say it never happens, but its rare.

 

 

As for the dogs and separation anxiety. Both her dogs have it, but the one she has on a pedestal has it bad. Also, she does the same thing with pet sitter.

[BeyondConfused1n]

She probably doesn't like that you kept your dogs outside as much as you don't like her dogs inside.

 

You call her needy but she thinks you're mean.

 

I don't call her needy... I do question the way she handles her dogs. See dogs learn what you teach them, or in this case what she doesn't teach them. The good behaviors as well as the bad ones are a direct reflection of the owner.

 

 

I did keep my dog outside as he was a larger 110 lb dog. He loved to be outside, he loved to roam around the backyard and do his thing as he pleased. If I had kept that dog inside. He would have been beyond miserable and that wouldn't make me a good pet owner.

[amaysngrace]

I did keep my dog outside as he was a larger 110 lb dog. He loved to be outside, he loved to roam around the backyard and do his thing as he pleased. If I had kept that dog inside. He would have been beyond miserable and that wouldn't make me a good pet owner.

 

My large dog weighs more than your large dog but he would be miserable if I left him out in the yard and that wouldn't make me a good pet owner.

 

So compromise with her. Let your outside dogs be happy outside and let her inside dogs be happy inside.

[BeyondConfused1n]

My large dog weighs more than your large dog but he would be miserable if I left him out in the yard and that wouldn't make me a good pet owner.

 

So compromise with her. Let your outside dogs be happy outside and let her inside dogs be happy inside.

 

 

I no longer have any dogs. This was while I was growing up. She's the one with two dogs.

[amaysngrace]

I no longer have any dogs. This was while I was growing up. She's the one with two dogs.

 

Then what's the problem? Honestly you sound like a control freak when you tell her how to care for her dogs.

 

It's really none of your business.

[anika99]

My large dog weighs more than your large dog but he would be miserable if I left him out in the yard and that wouldn't make me a good pet owner.

 

So compromise with her. Let your outside dogs be happy outside and let her inside dogs be happy inside.

 

 

Yeah, that's the thing with dogs, it's not so much about their size as it is about their breed. I have 10yr old cocker/springer cross and the guy who lives downstairs has a 3yr old Rottweiler and the lady next door to me has a 5yr old Lab. My dog is the oldest and smallest of the 3 of them and yet he is the one with the most energy!! He is hyper and can just go go go all day long. I absolutely must exercise him for at least 1-2 hours a day or he gets on my nerves. Still as much as he loves the outdoors and loves running and exploring he doesn't enjoy being outside alone in the back yard at all.

 

 

I pretty much let him go wherever he wants in the house. He sleeps on my bed and is allowed on the couch. He is a very good boy though. I've had him for 3 yrs and he has never had an accident in the house. He's had a couple of bouts of diarrhea and has been very good about waking me up to let him out. He doesn't smell bad in the winter but in the warmer months when he swims then he can get funky smelling so I get his hair shaved short and we take a couple of trips to the dog wash every week.

 

 

I know a lot of people would think I give him to much freedom and to much free reign but I don't care. It was hard for me to adjust to the extra cleaning, the extra expense and the extra burden on my time. I wouldn't expect someone else to put up with my dog in their house but I don't care to be told what to do with my dog in my house.

 

 

Still I can relate to the OP because I once dated a guy with cockatiel birds. They were sweet but they weren't caged and they did whatever they wanted which included flying around the house and crapping all over the place. BARF! Once we were eating Chinese food and the birds came onto the table and started walking around. One crapped on the table and the other one of them hopped right into the food and walked all over it while helping himself to some fried rice, lol. The guy I was seeing just kept eating and didn't bat an eye but I lost my appetite. Then they would fly around the bedroom and chirp during the night. I couldn't sleep with them in the room. I never complained though, cause I could see the guy loved them and they were important to him.

[Emilia]

Interesting... Maybe. Challenging. Most definitely.

 

 

I would think getting rid of an animal for the sake of just getting rid of an animal is not right. I don't think I'd ever do that to someone. Especially not over dog hair. That's immature. It would hurt the person you love, as well as the dog. That person may also end up resenting you down the road for it. Therefore, that doesn't make much sense. However, your comment about considering ending a relationship over a dog also doesn't make sense to me. What if the person you're considering pulling the plug on just so happens to turn out to be your guy indefinitely? And you pulled the plug over a dog that will give you 10 - 15 years of happiness while the person you tossed away would have given you 30+ years, and a whole lot more?

 

You don't pull the plug on a person because of the dogs. You pull the plug because their behaviour with dogs (as an example) gives you a window to how they construct their lives. Setting boundaries in all aspects of life is very important.

 

I grew up with dogs, a mixture of outside and inside. I do not agree with humanising them and projecting all sorts of emotional needs on them, that's what I meant by 'needy' in my earlier comment.

[Truth34]

Then what's the problem? Honestly you sound like a control freak when you tell her how to care for her dogs.

 

It's really none of your business.

 

It is his business if they are in a relationship. Or if they are bringing up the topic over possible future circumstances. If her business ends up all over his clothes, interrupts their time together, and causes a possible breakup, how ISN'T it his business?

 

I'll add that I would have no problem with how she treats her dogs, I just wouldn't go over to her house. Not my cup of tea, but neither person is more right than the other here. Personal preferences is all.