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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 11th March 2019, 8:58 AM   #151
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Listen to everyone here and go to counseling. Stop making excuses. Itís worth the money it will cost because this is your whole life we are talking about. And your kidsí wellbeing.

Hereís whatís going to happen though if you wonít like it because the counselor wonít agree your wife is ďthe problem.Ē You two created this dynamic together and continue to do so. You pushing her isnít working and seems to make it all worse but you still do it. With fake ultimatums and explaining to her that she doesnít understand things as well as you do...she doesnít understand she canít spend the money she spends on cars on houses as well. She doesnít understand that her finances will be affected by divorce. She doesnít understand that when you basically told her that her IC was biased and potentially worthless that didnít mean to stop going. If someone told me the stuff you say you tell her, internally I would be thinking ďhe thinks Iím stupidĒ or worse...ĒI am stupid.Ē

Stop asking what she wants. Itís clear she doesnít know. And thatís okay. Start working on yourself whether itís for her or for the next relationship. You donít have to know now. But Iím telling you, you arenít without your flaws, none of us are. And what you are doing now is driving her away but itís also tearing her down so that she will really struggle on her own and that will affect your kids because she canít parent them when sheís got so much healing to do.
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Old 11th March 2019, 12:57 PM   #152
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Originally Posted by chryssy83 View Post
Listen to everyone here and go to counseling. Stop making excuses. Itís worth the money it will cost because this is your whole life we are talking about. And your kidsí wellbeing.
I'll just add - amen...

Blind-Sided, you've waited months now for this issue to resolve itself.

How's that working?

Mr. Lucky
Happiness is not a goal; it is a byproduct -

Eleanor Roosevelt
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Old 12th March 2019, 6:03 AM   #153
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Cryssy: I understand, and I don't claim to be perfect. Heck, even when I've told a couple close friends, I tell them I'm not angle, and that I've accepted many of the issues that have come up. That's also why I've apologized to my wife about "The sins of the past".

Mr Lucky, and all:

It hasn't worked out at all, but I fear it's too late. The wife found this thread, and is just using it to fuel the fire. She said it's just all lies.

Since I needed to have my surgery, I though I would try to talk with her yesterday morning, and see how we can make that happen, since we would have to be together for a couple months more, and wanted to ask about going to MC during that time... but she went on the attack about this thread and said she had no interest anymore.

Anyway... I guess this will be my last post. Thanks to everyone who tried to help.

Last edited by Blind-Sided; 12th March 2019 at 6:07 AM..
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Old 12th March 2019, 2:05 PM   #154
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I am sorry to hear that. Maybe she will create her own profile out here to tell her side of the story. She would get honest feedback.
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Old 12th March 2019, 5:24 PM   #155
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vla1120, doubt that would happen. At this point, feels like she's more into blaming than fixing.

Truth be told, she's been gone from the marriage before Blind-Sided first posted. She just hasn't left the house yet...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 20th March 2019, 12:56 PM   #156
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You seem to be very stubborn and hard headed.

You have been given her good advice and it seems to me you have followed none of it. Communication problem?

You were advised to get an IC. You say you don’t need one. It’s obvious to everyone here you do. You have no idea how to communicate with your wife and all you can think of is it’s her fault. GET AN IC.

You whole thread from the beginning to the end has been your same post written differently the whol way through. I’m not saying you’re a bad guy. Your simply in your bed your head and what you have tried hasn’t come close to working. You should have got the MC when she hesitated. You don’t have the experience to deal with your marriage, your wife, or yourself. Get help. Humble yourself. You are not the first to go through this. You may be the most opinionated but not the first.

My suspicion is that you are overbearing. She overbearing people rarely see it in n themselves.

Last edited by Chaparral; 20th March 2019 at 12:58 PM..
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Old 29th March 2019, 3:09 PM   #157
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what's it matter?

So much of this thread has concentrated on the reasons for your wife's behavior. The truth is that it really doesn't matter. Yes, that may sound strange because if you knew the cause you could fix it. That's thinking like most men, an engineer, etc. (including how I think).

It took me quite a while to figure out it doesn't really matter the cause. Only where you are at today. Once a woman no longer loves you it is almost impossible to get it back. Certainly in a long term relationship like this one where there is so much resentment and 'water under the bridge'. By now she has rationalized things into convincing herself you are "controlling" (true or not) and have kept her from the wonderful life she so wanted and 'deserved'.

I'm sorry, but you and she can't unsee, unhear, or unfeel things. You would always wonder if she really loved you. She will always think she missed out, you were a jerk (not saying you were - she thinks you were so it is true to her no matter what), and she doesn't love you.

Neither of you will pull the trigger. You are at a miserable stalemate. You will both wallow in it while you damage your kids (yep - they have horrible examples of a good marriage and it is damaging them in ways you don't yet know. BTDT).

Man up. Seriously. YOU make the decision to divorce her. It doesn't matter who actually makes that decision. It really doesn't. You are going to 'get the blame' from her and a few others no matter what. Blame doesn't matter. Only the future matters. You will NOT be happy without love in your life and your never really going to get it from her again. You likely haven't for a very long time. Divorce her as amicably as possible as fast as possible.

Even if she said, "I've been wrong. You are the greatest." and then wore a fake smile every day of her life would you really still want to be married to her and subject your kids to a sterile environment?

Best wishes. Sorry if this has been harsh, but you are in a harsh situation and need to step up and do the right thing for both you, your wife, and your kids (staying in a bad marriage is NOT what is best for the kids). Sounds like she won't do it. You'll have to.
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Old 15th April 2019, 7:26 AM   #158
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WOW, what a thread!!!

OP, you have been through so much.... Now is the time to treat/reward yourself.

Get ready for this.... GO TO MC!!!! Drag your STBXW and go. Not for your marriage, or your STBXW but for YOU!!! Not because you need it but for what you have and are going through.

My exW and I went to only 2 sessions, I learned so much and looking back it answered so many questions that had not even entered my mind at the time.

Looking back it was the best money ever spent. It did not save the marriage but for the hours spent talking and listening it has saved 10 fold over time.

Treat yourself, you will not regret!!!
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